Episode 1 Two Doors Down

-ON TV:

-'All this week, we've been telling you how to bag yourself a bargain,

'and it seems you want to brag about those bargains.'

-Are you expecting anything?

-What, apart from a baby?

This programme contains some strong language

Ah. What have we got here?

New pet insurance, Specsavers, Weight Watchers.

Watch me throw you in the fucking bin.

Right, there we go.

Pizzas, curries, Thai noodles.

Oh, what a load of muck.

Ooh, fish suppers - 4.95.

What's this here in the buff broon een?

Oh.

Oh!

-Oh!

-What? What's the matter?

Ya beauty!

-Four swimming pools, three cinemas.

-A champagne bar.

-Oh.

-Two gyms, a massive casino.

-Free lager.

A nightclub, an amusement arcade. God, there was even a bowling alley.

-Soft drinks only.

-And see the entertainment?

-What was it like, Cath?

-Very entertaining.

They had comedians, dancers, magicians, puppets,

live band every night, except the night of the foam party.

They didn't want the bubbles getting into the trumpets, Beth.

Honestly, it feels as if we've been away for about a month.

No, just the ten days.

Well, that sounds lovely, but I really should be getting on.

-Oh, right.

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Oh, my God! Colin, look at her.

-Jeezo!

-Look how pale she is!

I said to Colin, "I bet I don't even notice how tanned I am

-"until I get back and see Beth."

-She's like a ghost next to you.

Please don't tell me I looked like that before I went away.

Well, you can let us know how you enjoy the ham, will you?

-Some bother we had carting it back, too, didn't we?

-Er, yes!

Eventually, I just said to the guy at the desk,

"Stick it in a bin liner

"and tag it along with the buggies and the golf clubs."

You know, it's amazing to think that

that was once joined onto a pig in a sty in Spain,

and here it is now on top of a newspaper on your pouffe.

-Well...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh!

-Oh, are you expecting someone, Beth?

-Oh, Eric!

-What?

-Ooh, what's going on?

-Where's Beth? Beth!

-Oh, there she is!

-Christine, are you all right?

Oh, Beth, I can hardly breathe!

What is it? Is there something wrong?

-The PPI, Beth.

-The what?

-The PPI.

I've been awarded £6,400 PPI.

-Jeezo!

-Bloody hell!

-We got the letter fae the bank this morning, didn't we, Sophie?

-Yeah.

As I say, I can hardly breathe.

-Actually, my legs are feeling a bit weak.

-Sit down.

-Oh, bless you, Beth. Bless you.

-I should sit back down, too.

-I'm in shock.

-Would you like a drink of something, Christine?

Not just now, no.

Just a glass of wine for me, then, Beth.

Sophie, give us my Facebook. I want to type a message.

Oh, I don't want to give too much away.

"Six grand PPI. Over the fucking moon."

So, what are you going to spend it on?

Oh, I've not even had a chance to think about it, to be honest, Colin.

-What about the deep fat fryer?

-Oh, that's a definite.

What about Sophie? She deserves a treat, too.

Aye, all right.

We'll go for the doughnut maker, as well.

You want to invest some of it, Christine.

Oh, I don't want to get involved in anything dodgy.

Stocks and shares? That's for crooks.

Have you not got any debts you need to clear, Christine?

None in my real name, no.

Oh, isn't that brilliant news for Christine?

-I know.

-Six grand!

Lucky cow.

Mind you, it's a shame it's not enough for her

to do something really exciting, you know.

-Like what?

-Move house.

Well, still, I wouldn't turn my nose up at six grand.

True, Beth. Just think what you could do with it.

You could get your hair done whenever you want.

-I had my hair done last week.

-Well, I mean, get it done properly.

In fact, I know what you could do,

and it's actually much cheaper than you'd think.

-Cathy, I'm not having my boobs done.

-No! You could go on a cruise.

I tell you, you know I had my doubts about going on one,

but you were right - they did have brand-name spirits,

and we didn't have to pick up any refugees.

It's an unbelievable experience.

What it is, Christine, it's like a hotel that moves around,

so every day, you're in the same room,

but in a different place.

-We stopped in Lisbon...

-Oh, that's in Portugal, Christine.

-..Gibraltar...

-REALLY cheap fags.

-..Morocco.

-Shithole.

-But Barcelona, we loved that, didn't we, Cath?

-We did, yeah.

-Aye, that's where we got the ham there.

-Jamon ham.

That's it, aye. Jamon ham. We were out sightseeing

and we passed this window with pig legs hanging upside down.

We just looked at each other and we both went...

-BOTH:

-Eric!

-THEY LAUGH

Same with Beth's present, as well, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah. Show Christine what I bought you, Beth. Where is it?

Where did I put it? Ah.

Aaaah... Ta-da!

Ah. Where's mine?

It's...

Ooh, I've got it here. Erm...

-Oh, there you go.

-Oh.

-New York?

-Manhattan theme bar, lower deck.

Half-price cocktails three till five.

So, what are you two up to tonight, then, eh? Out celebrating?

-Oh, I don't think so.

-Oh, haven't really thought.

Oh, you'll need to dae something. Something a wee bit special.

-Sophie, will we get fish suppers in?

-No! Sophie doesn't want a fi...

-I know. You could have a party.

-A party?

-A PPI party!

-A PPI party!

-No, I don't think so.

-Why not?

-Well, I don't have anything in.

-Well, get stuff from the shops.

You can get Sophie to go to Asda. You like going there, don't you?

Here, in fact, what's the weather like?

It's actually not too shite.

What about...a barbecue?

-A barbecue!

-SHE GROANS

-A PPI-becue.

-Oh, no.

The last thing I'm needing is to be setting up barbecues

and standing outside till all hours cooking big bits of meat.

-Um, boring!

-Just leave it, Cathy. She doesn't want the hassle.

-Well, what if Beth did it here?

-Oh, that'd be lovely.

-Some machine, eh, Eric?

-Oh, aye.

-I mean, nay offence,

but that wee one of yours just wouldnae have coped.

-Caked in grease, as well.

-Aye, all right, all right.

You want to have seen the barbecues they did on the boat.

I mean, honestly, Eric,

-they had steaks that they cooked right in front of you.

-Aye?

Aye, with the flames shooting right up in the chef's face.

And see in terms of freshness? I says to Cathy, I said,

"They must have a slaughterhouse somewhere on board."

Sounds brilliant.

-Never fancied a cruise, Eric?

-Nah.

-I think you'd enjoy it.

In fact, we're actually thinking of going on another one.

-You could come with us.

-Oh, I don't...

-Just think about it.

Beth and Cathy go off, do their ain thing,

get their whatever's waxed,

and you and me go on a wee wander.

There's plenty going on on board -

badminton, Ping-Pong, giant drafts.

In fact, I tell you what there is, Eric.

There's putting.

Now, imagine that.

Standing in your deck shoes, gliding past the coast of Africa,

a putter in one hand, a can of Miller in the other.

King of the world.

-Hello?

-Hi, it's us!

-Hi!

-Hello, Mrs Baird.

-Hi, Jaz.

-Thanks for inviting us.

I've not been to a barbecue for ages. Are you excited?

Yeah, I'm managing to control myself. Through you go.

HE SHRIEKS

-What's that?

-Oh, that's a Spanish ham

Cathie and Colin brought back from their holiday.

Oh, right. Makes a change from another dishtowel.

-Is that its trotter?

-Yes. So, you two been at the gym?

-We were actually away looking at flats.

-Flats?

-Gross.

-Why were you looking at flats?

-Cos we're thinking of buying one.

-Is it a pig?

-Yes.

-Buying one? Together?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that's so gross.

-Exciting, isn't it?

-Yes, I suppose it is.

-Like an actual pig? BOTH:

-Yes!

-Sophie, there's no press, is there?

-Eh?

It's just I don't want anything in the papers, begging letters,

folk looking for free money without lifting a finger to earn it.

-Oh, do you know what I'm looking forward to?

-What?

Corn on the cobs done in the tinfoil,

maybe wee bits of steak.

Here, she better no think that she can get away

with shovelling sausages onto torpedo rolls

and padding it out with big dods of coleslaw.

Well, I think it's nice of Mrs Baird

just to have everyone over, actually.

You're right. You're right. SHE CHUCKLES

-Oh, would you look at that.

-What?

No bunting.

Would you think, looking at that house,

that the person living next door to it

had recently won a PPI victory? No.

Aye, she's coming up to temp now, your wee thermostat there.

-What I normally do is...

-Who's doing this, you or me?

All right. All right, squire. Hey, she's all yours.

Ah, here she comes.

-Here, Beth, chop, chop.

-HE LAUGHS

Let's see what you've got there. Chicken, burgers.

God, the burgers are awfully thin.

They're the wee, cheap, frozen ones, are they?

-Not got any quarter pounders, no?

-We'll do two to a roll.

Oh, fair enough.

Enough mustard on them, they might not be too bad.

Ah, there's the star of the show there,

your friend and mine, the sausage.

-Not putting them in the back, no?

-Right, everybody, here I am!

-Hello, Christine.

-There she is. You all right, moneybags?

-Is this it?

-What?

-Mum!

We're just getting started, Christine.

Ian and Jaz are here. Ian, Jaz, that's Christine here!

Burgers, sausages, and there's chicken there, as well, Christine.

Ooh, aye, very good.

-Make sure that chicken's cooked properly.

-I will.

It's no spicy, is it? I had a couple of those peri peri drummers

when I was at that air show. Oh, what a day that was.

It wasnae just the Red Arrows with their tails on fire, I can tell you.

Christine, what would you like to drink?

-Have you any white wine?

-Yes.

-Have you got soda?

-I think so.

-I'll have a large white wine, a whiskey and soda.

-Right.

That's a lovely, big barbecue you've got there, Eric.

Oh, it's mine. We had to bring ours round.

-What's the matter with his?

-It was shite.

Ah, imagine volunteering to have a barbecue

and then having to borrow your neighbour's.

I mean, that's shocking.

-Hi!

-Aw, there's Jaz, my wee pal.

Hi, Christine. Congratulations. Mrs Baird told me the good news.

Oh, Beth, I'd appreciate if you'd just keep it to yourself for a bit.

-Oh, right. Sorry.

-Hiya, guys.

-Did your mum tell you I've got a PPI?

-Oh, right.

Have you been to see the doctor about it?

THEY LAUGH

He's turning into a right cheeky wee bastard, so he is.

-All right, Sophie. Bump's getting bigger.

-I know.

None of my clothes are fitting me.

I keep telling her she's got to get elasticated waists.

-Och, no this again.

-I'm telling you, they're a godsend.

Remember that time I had the big tea at Costa, Beth,

-and you had to pull over on the bypass?

-Yes.

-Not that long to go now.

-I know.

-Are you having it in hospital?

No, she's going to lie down on a pile of hay like a big horse(!)

Of course she's having it in hospital!

I just thought she might be having a homebirth.

Well, maybe if I still had that dark rug, but no.

-There you go.

-Thanks.

-Here, Beth, Beth.

-Yes?

-No nuts or crisps, no?

-Um...

Beth, I tell you what you could do - you could bring that ham out.

-Oh, no, I don't think we...

-Oh.

I'll bring the ham out.

Let's get ready to partaaay! SHE LAUGHS

Ah, there's Cathy.

# La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la-la-la... #

What do we want? Barbecue. When do we want it? Now!

Well, actually, let's wait till it's ready

cos I don't want to get the shits.

Oh, there's Jaz! Hiya, Jaz. How are you?

That's me and Col just back from our holidays. Look how brown I am.

-That's not fair.

-Right.

-Here, Jaz, hold this for a minute.

-Ah, there she is - the Spanish ham.

Jamon!

# Celebrate good times, jamon!

# Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Jamon! #

Settle down now, Cathy.

-Where shall I put it?

-Just put it on top of the wheelie bin there.

-Sophie, bin!

-No, she can't do it. I'll get it.

# Everyone around the world, jamon! #

-Start slicing it!

-Eric, cut a couple of slices.

-I'll do it.

-Er, I can manage.

-All right, all right.

-# Jamon, Eileen, too-loo-ra-eh... #

-Cathy!

SHE GASPS Slicey, slicey.

Look at it coming away from the shin, Jaz.

-Do you have any olives, Beth?

-Oh, I cannae stand them.

That wee bit in the middle takes forever to chew.

-Right, who's for a slice of ham?

-Jamon ham!

-Jamon ham.

-Who's for a slice of jamon ham? Ian?

-Aye, I'll have a bit.

-Sophie?

-No.

-Cathy?

-Oh, yes.

-What is jamon?

-It's Spanish for gammon, Christine.

-Gamon.

-But the G is silent in Spanish, so it's...

-Jamon. Jamon. But it's not a G. It's a J.

-Eh?

Aye, well, it's not...

-It's not a G, it's a J.

-Is it?

-Aye.

But it's silent, as well, so they say H.

-Oh, my God. So, you'd be Haz, Jaz.

-What?

-Haz.

The J is silent. You'd be Haz.

-Here, Haz, do you want some ham?

-No, I'm actually vegetarian.

Are you, Haz?

Oh, no, no. No, no, I cannae go that.

I'll just stick to my gammon that I get in Asda. Honey roast.

Sophie still likes the one with the wee teddy face.

Oh, she loves that in her roll.

Here, Jaz, you could try that. That could get you started.

You'd be that happy eating your way round that wee teddy face,

you'd never even think it was meat.

-Beth, do you want a bit?

-No, I'm all right.

Oh, Beth, just try it. Spit it in the bin if you don't like it.

If she spits that out, I'll never speak to her again.

-Hang on, have you washed your hands?

-Eh?

You shouldn't be touching the raw meat then touching that.

-Ah, you're fine. It's all going down the one way.

-No, no, he's right.

Away and wash your hands, Eric.

Aye, wash your hands, you manky bastard.

Jesus wept, how did we get talked into this?

Oh, bloody Cathy again.

Did Colin say to you about the cruise?

What about it?

He was on at me asking if we wanted to go with them when they go again.

Oh, yeah, Cathy mentioned something about it.

-What do you think?

-Two weeks trapped on a boat with Cathy and Colin?

Oh, it might not be that bad, no?

POPPING, SHE SCREAMS Hey! Hey! Oh!

-CATHY: Aye-aye-aye!

-What are you doing, Cathy?!

-Are you all right, Mum?

-Aye, apart fae nearly pishing my pants.

It's just firecrackers. I got them in Spain.

Aye, they use them in fiestas. That's Spanish for piss-up, Jaz.

Fieth-ta. Fieth-ta.

# Ah-ah-ah... #

-Fast clap me, Jaz. Fast clap me.

-What's going on?!

They are just firecrackers, Beth.

-Cathy!

-Listen, Cathy, that's enough. Actually, could I have a word?

Oooh!

Boo!

-Oh, there's wine on the go?

-Listen, Cathy, about this cruise...

I know that Colin's spoken to Eric about us going on one with you...

Beth, you will love it. We can go for a colonic.

I had one and I swear I saw the back of an earring

-floating up the pipe.

-Cathy, we can't go.

-What?

-We can't go, I'm afraid.

-Why not?

-Well...

-Is it money? Cos if money's a problem...

No, but that's very kind of you.

-I was going to say, could you not sell something?

-No.

It's more just, well, for one,

Ian and Jaz are going to be buying a flat together,

so it's not great timing, I'm afraid.

-Is that rain?

-No.

-THUNDER RUMBLES

-Oh, yeah, it might be.

THUNDER RUMBLES, RAIN POURS

Oh, here we go! This is all we need.

They've no even got a gazebo up or nothing.

-Oh, for God's sake!

-Jeezo!

-Oh! Oh!

-Oh, stupid bloody thing.

-Jaz, get the ham! I mean the jamon. Get the jamon.

-Oh, God!

-Where do you think you're going?

-It's raining!

-The barbecue's still going, Eric.

-It's a powerful gas flame, Eric.

-A wee drop of rain'll no bother it.

-Out you go.

-Oh!

This is the trouble with being back in Scotland.

It's just fucking shit.

Oh! Ah!

-Did you get a chance to speak to her?

-She said no.

-She what?

-Something about Ian buying a flat and not enough money.

-Oh, bugger.

-What are we going to do now?

-Don't know.

This whole thing is a complete wash-out.

We should have just stayed next door.

Bloody Beth insisting and dragging us all over here.

Won't be long till the food's ready, Christine.

Bless you, Beth. Bless you.

-Sophie, are you all right?

-Can I use your loo, please?

Yes, of course. Use the downstairs one.

Aw!

-So...hi, missus. How are you doing?

-Hi, Cathay.

THUNDER RUMBLES

-That's it coming on heavy now, isn't it?

-Oh, it is, Christine.

-Bloody rain. Typical.

-Aw, what a shame.

-Right enough, the forecast did say cloud.

-Did it?

-Supposed to be dry tomorrow, though.

-That's good.

-Mind you...

So, Christine, what's about all this money, hey?

Eh? Oh, aye, aye.

Thought any more about what you're going to do with it?

-I thought I might slab the whole of my front garden.

-Oh.

-Not thought about going on a wee holiday?

-A holiday?

-Yes.

-When was the last time you were away?

-Oh, now you're asking.

Beth, when was I in Bradford?

I don't know, Christine.

No, when were you last abroad?

Oh, well, I know that it was before the euro, anyway,

because I remember I had to break a 1,000-peseta note

to buy a lukewarm can of Fanta at Alicante airport.

-Never thought about going on a cruise?

-A cruise?

-All right.

-Where's the chops?

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, bloody hell!

I tell you, there is even - there is even, Christine -

-a doctor on board.

-Is there?

-Oh, aye.

He's got his own clinic and everything.

Oh, a clinic, Christine.

-Oh, well, that's certainly handy.

-Well, it is.

I mean, Cathy had her stomach pumped in it a couple of times.

-Here, Sophie, what do you think about a cruise?

-A what?

-A cruise.

-Mm.

See, the thing that always worries us about a cruise

-is all the viruses you get that are doing the rounds.

-No, no, no.

Well, as I says to her, it only takes one wee bit

of something in that buffet that's not hot in the middle,

and before you know it, there's 2,000 people going at both ends.

No, no, no, no. It's immaculate, Christine.

I myself saw the chef taking a chicken's temperature.

And see the toilets, Sophie - they are...

-What are they like, Col?

-Well, it's actually a pleasure to go.

It's like an extra part of the holiday.

OK, everybody, here we are!

Oof, that's a beautiful platter of meat there, Jaz, eh?

Oof, get the smell of that. Chicken, pork, lamb, beef, sausage.

It'll be a quiet night on the farms tonight!

THEY LAUGH Here, Beth!

There's relish and squeezy mustard if you want it, Sophie.

-Thanks, Mrs Baird.

-Jaz, you can have...

Oh, you can have a buttered roll with some salad on it.

-COLIN:

-Cathy, do you want a chicken thigh?

Oh, gads! Chicken thigh? No.

I tell you what I am going to have.

I'm going to have some more of that beautiful jamon.

-Er, has everyone got a plate?

-Beth!

-Where's the big knife for the ham?

-Kitchen.

-Beth!

Bit wet out there, squire, eh?

Woohoo!

-Beth!

-Anybody needing a bit of kitchen roll?

-Beth!

-Yes, Christine?

-Guess where we're thinking of going.

-I don't know.

-Tell her, Sophie.

-She's thinking about going on a cruise.

-What?

-I'm thinking of going on a cruise.

-Oh.

Oh, here, that's a point -

-where's this cruise going to, Colin?

-Er...

The only place that I don't fancy is Egypt.

Oh, fucking snakes coming out of baskets

and camels spitting in your face.

To be honest, we'll just be glad of the break, won't we, Sophie?

Oh, there's a thing - Cathy, you can babysit.

-Are yous all going together?

-Aye. Why not? It's a nice thing to do.

-Does that mean you'll get yours cheaper, then?

-Eh?

-You'll get yours cheaper, will you not?

-No, no, no.

Cheaper? No! What are you talking about?

We're paying a fortune, aren't we, Col?

Oh, right. It's just that my uncle's been on a lot of them,

and if he gets his friends to go, as well,

it means he gets a discount and an upgrade on his cabin.

-No, he...

-HE STUTTERS

-They're all different, these ships.

-SHE GROANS

-Now, Christine...

-Oh, I see exactly what's going on here.

-Colin, tell her.

-Just using me and my PPI.

-Now, that is not true.

-Oh, aye? Well, what about what Jaz said, eh?

Oh, bollocks to Jaz. What does he know? He doesn't even eat meat.

No! The only reason that you're asking her

is so you can get money off for yourselves.

It's not true. We have...

We've always wanted to go on a cruise with you and your mum.

-Haven't we, Col?

-Is that why you asked us first, then?

-What?

-No, we didn't.

-Aye, you did.

You asked us earlier on if we wanted to go, and we said no.

-I am not standing for this, Colin.

-Now, Cathy, hang on a minute.

We have brought you back this beautiful jamon ham

and a dishtowel and a... The... You...

-The lighter.

-The lighter.

And now you're accusing me

of being somebody who doesn't care about their friends

and is only interested in them for what they have

-and what they can do for me.

-SHE SIGHS

Come on, Col.

Get the ham!

Well, there's still plenty of food if anybody wants.

No, Beth. I don't think I could. Not after all that.

-OK.

-In fact, I think I might just go home.

-You sure?

-I think I've had quite enough for one day, Eric.

-Fair enough.

-Do you want something away with you?

Four burgers, two breasts of chicken and one of your round Tupperwares

filled up to the top with salad, thanks.

SHE SIGHS

-It's been quite a day, hasn't it, Sophie?

-Yeah.

A rollercoaster of emotions, Beth.

Well, I think you handled it very well.

I like to think that I've kept my dignity.

Mind if I have a quick pish in your loo before I go, Beth? Thanks.

Just keep it on the slabs, Colin!

And you can stick your Spanish gammon up your arse!

Come on.

Ooh.

POPPING Ah! Ooh! Ah! Beeeeeth!

Bastards!

# Happy we'll be beyond the sea

# And never again

# I'll go sailing

# No more sailing... #