Episode 2 Two Doors Down

SNORING

ALARM BLARES

(Eric!)

Eric!

ERIC GROANS

-Can you hear that?

-What?

The noise! Is that ours?

Somebody might be stealing the car.

Well, if they can get it started they're welcome to it.

Go and see whose it is.

ERIC SIGHS

It might not even be a car alarm - somebody might be getting burgled.

Does Christine have a burglar alarm?

No, but she's got a picture of herself in the hall

that scares folk off.

You'll need to go and have a look. Go on!

HE SIGHS

ALARM BLARES

This programme contains some strong language

-Whose is it?

-I don't know.

I panicked. I thought someone was nicking our car.

Aye, Beth thought it might be ours.

No, they'll no touch yours.

I think it's coming from over the back.

-Do you think?

-(Shh, listen.)

ALARM BLARES

It's quite soothing after a while, isn't it?

-There's no much we can do.

-Nope, it'll go off eventually.

-Right, I'm away back in.

-Beth awake?

Aye, aye, she woke me up. Cathy?

No, no, she's out cold.

Once her head hits the pillow that's her

no matter what you try.

Right...

OK, squire, that's enough excitement for one night.

What's that fucking noise?

THEY SIGH

I thought it might be my tinnitus flaring up again.

-Have you ever had tinnitus, Eric?

-No.

Oh, it's like a constant grating noise in your ear

that goes on and on and on.

If you've never had it you won't understand.

-No, I think I understand it.

-Oh, here he is.

How did you get on?

Aye, it's a Volvo outside one of the wee bungalows.

The guy in the next door says they're away on holiday.

Aw, bloody hell.

He's going to phone them

but apparently there's a bit of a time difference.

Aw, easy does it,

we don't want to wake them up while they're on their holidays, eh?

Well, they'll need to dae something because see the batteries

-in a Volvo, that'll be going for months.

-Aw, naw!

Can they no just get into the house and get a spare key?

Aye, why don't we set off the burglar alarm as well, eh?

Look, come on, there's nothing else we can do.

Why don't we just go to our beds, eh?

(Eric, what is going on?!)

Oh, there's Beth.

Beth, this is a nightmare.

It's fine. I've been away round and checked it out,

someone's away on their holiday.

Volvo, Beth.

Wait, is someone going to call the police?

Well, the thing is, Beth, there's not actually been a crime.

-It's one of the wee bungalows you said, Colin?

-Aye.

Here, Beth, I bet it's that guy whose wife did away with herself.

Remember, she borrowed a stepladder off you and you never got it back?

Eric, were you not going to buy a Volvo at one point?

I've never been a fan of bungalows, you know?

You get an awful lot of spiders in them.

I'd love to stick around and chat but seeing as it's the middle

of the night, I might actually go back to my bed.

How we're supposed to sleep after all this carry on, I don't know.

-Wee cup of tea and you'll be fine.

-Are you having one, Beth?

Well, no, what I meant was...

-Och, I'll just have one then. Come on.

-OK.

You see, what it could have been is maybe a cat

that's jumped onto the bonnet of the car and set the alarm off.

Aye, they jump on to the bonnet after the car's been running

to get a heat aff the engine, isn't that right, Beth?

I don't know.

Oh, they're notorious, cats, for loving a heat, aren't they, Beth?

Yes, Christine.

Hmm, they like heat and they like sleep.

That's why I will never have a cat,

they're just lazy little monkeys.

What about a dog?

All that walking? Oh, fuck that.

We don't leave our car in the driveway when we go on holiday.

No?

No, it goes into the long-stay car park.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Handing your car keys over to somebody you don't know.

They could be doing anything with it.

Like what? There's security there 24 hours a day.

-Aye, it's them I'd be worrying about.

-What?

Security guards, ex-army.

Listen, if they can cover up getting poor wee Iraqi blokes

to stand on one leg and shit in a bin, they will have

no qualms about taking your motor for a spin when your back's turned.

-Oh, gosh.

-You tired, Eric?

Funnily enough, yes, I am.

When was the last time you were up at this time of night, eh?

Oh, with my bladder?

There's nothing dear diary about this, let me tell you.

-Remember when we were young, we were just getting in at this time.

-Aye!

I remember we used to steal rolls from outside the baker's shop

at five o'clock in the morning after we'd been at the dancing.

-Did you ever do that, Eric?

-I did, aye!

Aye, once or twice.

-Pint of milk as well off somebody's doorstep...

-Oh, aye.

..and a newspaper as well.

Christ, I'm glad I left my handbag in the house.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Sophie.

-Is my mum here?

-Erm, yes, she is.

-Oh, God, I wondered where she was.

-I got up and she wasn't in her bed.

-Come in!

Oh, you're here. I wondered where you were.

Yes, I'm here. Beth insisted that I come in.

Oh, well, you could have told me.

I was worried something could have happened to you.

Oh, that's good.

First I'm getting into trouble for poking my nose in,

then she's complaining when I disappear

out my bed in the middle of the night.

-You just cannae win.

-You got woken up by the alarm too, did you?

-Was it a car?

-Volvo, Sophie.

Well, have youse phoned the police?

-There's no point in phoning the police.

-How not?

Because a crime has not been committed.

Sit down, Sophie.

You must be absolutely knackered.

SHE SIGHS

The last thing you need at the minute is to be woken up at night.

It's fine. I've not really been sleeping well lately anyway.

-No?

-No.

Can you not get comfy?

I was the same when I had Ian.

It was the kicking that would keep me up at night.

Not really had much kicking.

Sweating, Beth.

She's getting...

a lot of sweating.

And peeing, peeing awful heavy.

Jesus wept.

I said to her, Beth, you'd better enjoy whatever control

you've got of your bladder the now

because once you've had the baby, well,

every cough and sneeze will leave you leaking like an old fridge.

Hang on, has it stopped?

-ALARM BLARES

-No, it's still going.

Here, Colin, you get back round and see what's going on.

-I'll maybe just...

-Don't even think about it.

-What?

-If you think you're sloping off upstairs leaving

me here with Christine, you can forget it.

She'll be going back in next door soon, will she no?

Beth, more tea!

How come it's always us that gets lumbered?

I don't know, Eric.

Too bloody soft, that's the trouble.

We're going to have to put the foot down, just learn to say no.

Do you want a tea as well?

Aye, all right.

I'm just saying if you decide now, it'll be less for you to

think about when you come out the hospital.

And I'm just saying that I want a name that I actually like.

I understand that, but some of the names that you're coming up

with, they might be fashionable, but to me, they just sound daft.

-How do they?

-Well, what was the one you came up wi' last night?

Shelby.

Shelby, sounds like a service station on the M6.

All right?

Uh-huh.

Aye, good cars, Volvos.

We were thinking about getting one, you know.

We didn't.

Oh, what's happening?

Well, they got a hold of them.

Oh, that's good.

And he's trying to get in touch with his brother who's got a spare key.

-Right.

-But he's on a spa weekend.

Jesus Christ.

And where's the sister? Lying in a hammock on a desert island?

Well, there's certainly nothing to be gained by us sitting up all

night is there?

No, no, you away up the stairs.

I take it, Eric, that means you won't be wanting one of these, then.

-Rolls! In the name of God!

-Where did you get them?

-The shop.

-The shop's no open at this time of night.

I never said I bought them!!

-Oh, ho, ho.

-Colin.

-Ya dirty wee thief.

Well, after all that chat earlier, I couldn't get the idea of

a big crusty roll out my head.

So, come on, Beth,

get the pan on and don't try and tell me you don't have any bacon.

Oh, come on, you're not going to start eating rolls at this

-time are you?

-I am starving.

And I thought you were away to your bed?

Well, I'll stay up for a roll.

Sophie, will you take one?

Oh, here, you've already got a bun in the oven.

-I wouldn't mind one, actually.

-Oh.

-What?!

Christine?

Come here to me.

One wi' bacon, one with egg.

Tell me exactly how I've ended up

frying sausages at four o'clock in the morning? Honestly.

-Well, I said to you, didn't I?

-Don't start again, Eric.

-Well, maybe this'll cheer them up a bit.

-What do you mean?

Christine and Sophie. You could cut the atmosphere with

a knife when I went through.

Sophie said they've been arguing quite a lot recently.

Aw, that's a shame, cos normally they get on so well, don't they?

Leave it!

You wonder what people did before there were rolls, don't you?

Oh, I know.

Baps, they're called in England.

I remember Sophie went on a trip with the school to London,

-remember Sophie?

-Yeah.

-Aye.

When she came back, I said to her, "How was London?"

She said, "It was unbelievable.

"Trafalgar Square's a shithole,

"rolls are called baps and a fish supper's £8."

Oh, here she comes, here's the chef.

Oh, yes.

Oh, good on you, Beth.

OK. Right, Colin, one bacon and one square sausage.

Oh, Cath'll be sorry she missed this. She likes a bacon roll.

Should you not send her a text in case she wakes up and wonders

where you are? Christine.

-Oh, ya beauty, a bacon roll, eh, Eric?

-Aye.

Sophie, that's for you. Eric.

Oh, yes.

-You not got any bacon, Eric?

-No, scrambled egg for him.

Ah, ah, it's already salted.

Thanks very much, Beth. Much obliged to you.

-There's not too much butter on this, is there?

-No.

It's just I'm watching my cholesterol.

Just the two bits of bacon, eh?

Oh, God bless you, Beth.

-Any brown sauce, Beth?

-What?

Got to have brown sauce on square sausage.

Eh? Brown sauce on a sausage?

-Aye.

-Oh, no. Tomato sauce on a sausage, brown sauce on an egg.

Brown sauce on an egg? No, that's no right.

How is it no? Eric, what do you take on a sausage?

-Nothing.

-Eh?

-I don't take anything.

Well, that's all right if it's quality meat but if it's...

Sophie, what have you got in your roll?

-Sausage.

-Want a wee bit of brown sauce?

No, thanks. Are you sure?

Oh, don't question her, it's her way or the highway.

Go on, take a wee bit, eh.

It'll get that baby kicking.

In fact it'll be jumping for joy when it tastes it.

Here.

Eh? Oh, got it.

Aye, Cathy.

This place fucking stinks. Who's having brown sauce?

Revolting, that is like shit in a bottle.

-Come on in, Cathy.

-You get my text?

-Yes!

Do you want a roll?

No, just coffee.

Oh, my God, what time is it? What are you all doing?

We were wakened up by that bloody car.

-What car?

-The car with the alarm going off.

-What alarm?

-Did you no hear it?

-No.

Ssh.

-I cannae hear it.

-It's went off.

So it has, it's stopped.

Hey!

Oh, ya dirty bastard.

-Ah, are you all right, Sophie?

-Yeah.

-Do you want anything else.

-I've got a Swiss roll I can open?

-I'm fine, Mrs Baird.

Is everything all right with you and your mum?

Yeah, it's fine. Listen, I wanted to ask you something.

I was wondering if you and Mr Baird would consider being my godparents?

-What?

-Well, godparents to the baby?

-Oh!

I've been thinking about who I should ask and, well,

I've known you my whole life and you always make me feel so welcome.

My mum wants me to ask Pat over the back but I would just rather

it wasn't someone that was such a heavy smoker.

I would rather it was someone that I've chosen.

Oh, Sophie. We'd love to.

You don't have to if you don't want to.

Of course we want to.

-You've not told your mum yet?

-No.

-Oh, that's good.

And then she thought about Jade.

Aw, nice name, Jade.

Nah, I don't like it.

I picture quite an evil wee lassie, do you know what I mean?

Jade. Jade.

You can just imagine her poking at your eyes when you're sleeping.

God almighty.

I quite like Jeanette.

Oh, you cannae call a baby Jeanette.

-How no?

-Jeanette.

-What about India?

-As a name?

-Yes. It's a nice name. India.

India, in you come now, in for your bath.

India, upstairs, Mummy's very cross. Indiaaaaa!

Aye, all right, Cath. It's a nice name, India.

-It's unusual.

-And what if it's twins?

What do we call the other one, Pakistan?

What's going on?

Oh, they're talking about names.

Och, don't start this again, I swear to God.

I was just saying Sophie, India's a nice name. India O'Neil.

Sounds like a film star.

-Aye, what kind of film?

-What were you thinking of Sophie?

-Well, I quite like...

-Christine!

No, I don't want to talk about this.

Every time I say the ones that I'm thinking of,

she just says that she doesn't like them.

That's not true!

Sophie, which names do you like, mmm?

Well, the names that I like are, for a girl, Dakota.

-Oh.

-..and if it's a boy, Brandon.

-No.

-It's very difficult.

We had a terrible time trying to decide what to call Ian.

-Mmm.

-I can imagine, you'd just get fed up and go for anything

in the end, wouldn't you?

Do you know what? I quite like Ian.

Christine, Jeanette for a girl and Ian for a boy.

-Uh-huh.

-Are you joking?

-How do you mean?

Ian and Jeanette, that's the bloody Krankies.

Oh, oh, so it is.

Oh, I never even thought. Oh, I cannae stand them.

Them and Mr Blobby. Remember Mr Blobby, Beth?

-What?

-That was the entertainment.

That was just somebody going aboot pissing people off.

Well, I'm sure we'll settle on something.

Right, everybody finished?

What time is it? Time we called it a night, I reckon.

Beth? Bitsy, bitsy, pretty please,

could I have a tiny wee bit more coffee, pleeeease?

Oh, God Cathy, it's ...

To be fair, I could go another tea, actually.

You need something to wash down your roll, don't you?

Anybody else?

Have you got any Irn Bru, Beth?

God, don't start, it's contagious.

-What is?

-Yawning.

You see someone yawn, the next thing you're at it yourself.

Look.

Oh, no, I can't get it. Eric, do another one.

Christine, you watch, see if it makes you do one, too.

I cannae just do it. I mean, you have to wait.

All right, we'll wait.

Have you got one coming?

Oh, I think so. Hang on, hang on.

-Argh!

-When were you last at the dentist?

-Right, here

-you are. Awww.

-Aw, nooo!!

I nearly had it there.

Beth. You spoiled Christine's yawn.

Can we get the telly on?

Och, there's nothing on at this time.

There's just roulette, old episodes of Morse and deaf EastEnders.

I quite like that.

I'll stick the news on.

You got Sky News, Eric?

Aw, that mob.

Oh, somebody farts and before you know it, they've got the chopper out

and then Kay Burley's chapping on folks' doors asking how it smelled.

Col. Psst, Colin, it's boring.

-I know, I know.

-Oh, God, it's so boring.

It's just stuff happening and people talking about it.

Eric, put the subtitles on.

I like to see them making mistakes.

Put something else on!

-Eric!

-Well, what do you want?

Go up, keep going up.

Oh, there's the juicers for sale.

Here, Christine, you want a juicer?

No. I've got juice in the fridge.

What is that?

House of Commons.

House of Lords.

House of Lords.

Freeloading bastards.

No.

No, keep going.

Wait a wee minute, what was that there? Go back.

No, back another one.

'Call me now. I'm ready and waiting.'

What's going on here?

Oh, that, that's just a phone in thing, I think, or, or text.

Just a bit of fun.

Get that off, Eric!

-'Putting horticulture back into education.'

-No.

No.

No.

What's that?

It's Gaelic. It's the news in Gaelic.

Lost sheep and cancelled ferries, big deal.

MUSIC PLAYS

What's that?

That's us in the radio channels now.

Turn it up a bit, will you, Eric?

I know that, what is it?

It's the music for the shipping forecast.

Oh.

# De-da-lee-de-de-de

# De-de-de-de-de-de-de. #

'Now, the shipping forecast issued by the Met Office on

'behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency.

'South west 40, Cromarty fourth, westerly or north-westerly four or five,

'becoming variable three or four. Showers, good.'

Showers are bad.

He just said, "Showers, good." Showers are bad.

'Showers, good. South Biscay...'

-Biscay, where's Biscay?

-Shoosh!

'North or north-west four or five.'

What's this? Put something else on.

-We've been through all the channels.

-Just leave this on, it's quite nice.

'South-westerly five to seven but three or four at first...'

Aw, come on, son, five to seven, maybe a four.

He'd be nae use at the bingo, him, would he?

I mean, who listens to this?

It's for boats.

Who's out on a boat at this time?

Fishermen, Cathy. Drug smugglers. Folk sneaking about on canoes.

Maybe somebody...

Aye, all right, can we just hear it?

'Rain, fog patches...'

Fog patches.

You know, I used to listen to this when I was up during the

night wi' her.

I used to put her doon about three after her feed and I'd grab

a couple of hours then myself.

But round about this time, I would hear her starting to squawk

and I'd think, "Oh, she's ready for another load."

So I'd get you up on to my knee, pull nightie down at the

front and you'd latch right on and away you'd go.

Sook, sook, sook. Gulping away.

Oh, aye, quite happy.

-Oh! Oh!

-What is it?

I felt something.

Oh, is it kicking?

-Oh, my God, there it goes again!

-Oh, hello!

Do you want a feel, Cath?

Hiya.

Christine!

Oh.

Oh, ho, there it goes.

That's your grandchild in there, Christine.

-Speak to it.

-Eh?

-Speak to it!

-And say what?

-Anything, you're its granny.

Oh, aye.

Hello in there.

-I don't know what to say.

-Just say whatever's in your heart.

Did you enjoy your roll? I enjoyed mine.

I had tomato sauce with it, not brown.

The bacon was a wee bit fatty, but hey ho.

The roll itself was lovely.

So...

I'm looking forward to seeing you, I really am.

I think it's stopped kicking now.

You've sent it back to sleep, Christine.

Oh, your hair's needing washed.

-Well, I don't know about anybody else but I'm knackered.

-Aye.

Beth, could I have a little bit more coffee, please?

No!

I don't think I'm going to bother wi' any breakfast, you know.

Oh, I'll maybe have some cornflakes about 11.

Mind you, that's quite close to lunchtime, isn't it?

I don't know what I'm going to have for my lunch.

How many rolls did he...?

Come back round about 12

and I'll make you one for your lunch, Christine.

-Thanks, Mrs Baird.

-No bother, pet.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Night, squire.

-Goodnight.

We should do this again, Eric.

Yeah.

Come on, leave it. You can get it in the morning.

-I don't want to go to bed, Col.

-Come on Cathy.

Oh, please Col. Please, please, please.

Come on, Cath. Let's get to our bed.

-Can we go to McDonalds? Let's go to McDonalds.

-No.

Col!

Christ, you never know what's going to happen next round here.

Sophie asked me if we'd be godparents to the baby.

-She did not.

-She did.

-And what did you say?

-Well, I said, "Yes!"

Oh, dear God.

Oh, well, it's quite nice really, isn't it?

I think so.

I wonder if it's going to be a boy or a girl.

I hope it's a girl.

-What was the name she had for a girl again?

-Dakota.

Oh, aye, that's right. North or South?

-Night.

-Night.

CAR ALARM BEEPS

Colin! Oh, Colin, I've done something!

Shit! Shit! Shit!