Episode 4 Two Doors Down

Right, Dad, come on, that's you. You all right?

Get off! I'm fine.

This isn't your house, is it?

-Aye.

-Have you done it up?

Aye, well, we had the roughcast cleaned,

new windows there and we've got the mono-blocked driveway too.

Do you like it?

Naw.

Aye, come on, let's go. Here.

OK, leave me alone.

This programme contains some strong language.

Here he is, birthday boy.

Hi, Willie, how are you?

What's wi' all this shite?

Ah, it's for your birthday, Willie, we are celebrating.

I'm 79, hen.

The only thing I'm celebrating is getting a full piss out in one go.

Right.

How old did Colin say his dad was?

Was it not 70-something?

Jeezo.

I've no' seen him for years.

-Well, he's been in that nursing home hasn't he?

-Aye.

-Cathy says he's not that happy there.

-No?

No. He's been causing a few problems for the staff.

They thought he could do with the odd day out,

see his family a bit more.

And they thought that would cheer him up?!

Hi there, Colin.

Hello. Ho, ho, ho.

In you come, come on.

There you go, Willie.

Dad, that's... That's Eric and Beth here.

-Hello, Willie.

-Hiya, Willie.

Oh, Beth and Eric.

Oh!

It's Beth and Eric, Willie.

Who's this?

It's Beth and Eric. They stay next door.

Remember Eric changed that tyre for you that time?

Oh, aye.

How you doing?

I can see where he put the old one.

What have you got there, missus?

Fudge. I made you some fudge for your birthday, Willie.

Oh, wow-ee.

Look at the beautiful clingfilm all tucked in underneath

for your birthday, Willie.

Are you wanting to try a bit now with your cup of tea?

Fudge? With tea?

OK, OK.

Fudge. With a cup of tea!

All right, Dad, all right.

Maybe have it later.

A biscuit! A biscuit with tea.

Right, OK, Willie, I'll get you a biscuit - chocolate biscuit.

Naw, naw, naw, no' a chocolate biscuit.

A plain biscuit?

We've got plain biscuits, I could...

No, no, no, you're all right, Beth.

S'all right Beth.

We've got digestives.

Right, would anyone else like anything? Eric, a Penguin?

-No.

-You sure?

I thought you liked Penguins.

-No, I'm fine.

-What about a drink or something?

-Well...

-Would you like a beer?

-Aye, I'll take a beer.

-I'll have a beer as well. Two beers, Cath.

Two beers. Beth?

I'll come through and give you a hand.

No, no, no, you sit down.

You're the guest today, I have got this.

Oh, well, just a cup of coffee for me, then.

OK, then. So that is three coffees, two Penguins and a beer for Willie.

No' bad weather we've been having lately, eh?

Aye.

Been decent up your way has it, Willie?

Naw.

You all right, Cath?

Oh, hi, Beth.

How are you managing?

Good, yeah, no problem, just...

Willie all right, is he?

He is absolutely fine. He's no problem at all.

You know, I said to Colin,

I think those nurses up there exaggerate things.

DOORBELL RINGS

You know, lazy cows.

If they haven't got the patience to deal with old people,

they shouldn't be in the job in the first place.

Is he staying the night?

No chance.

Christine!

Is he here?

Aye, he's here.

Lovely.

Sophie, y'all right? Come on, let's get this party started.

Can I use your loo, please?

Aye, sure.

Just in there.

Oh, hi, Christine.

-LOUDLY AND SLOWLY:

-Hullo, Willie.

Good to see you again.

Who's this?

It's Christine from next door, Dad.

Uh-huh. I met you a number of years ago, Willie.

You might not remember, you were eating a fish supper.

I was in getting a battered sausage for my daughter, So...

-Where is she?

-Oh, she's in the loo.

Oh. For my daughter, Sophie,

who's here with me today also but who is in the loo at the minute.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, that's her finished.

I must say, it is indeed an honour

to have been invited along here today to your birthday, Willie.

They must think an awful lot of you,

because Cathy's hardly ever out her bed by this time,

never mind inviting folk in for a drink.

Oh, oh, here she is now.

This is my daughter, Sophie, Willie.

Hiya. Happy birthday.

Where's your sausage?

Sorry?

Did she not say she was away getting sausage?

No, no, no, no. She was in the loo.

I was in getting her a sausage when I met you with your fish supper.

Sophie, what flush did you use?

What?

We've got two flushes, Eric, a big one and a wee one.

The small one is just for liquids.

For urine, Eric.

And the big one, obviously, for...

For solids.

Let's put my music back on.

I brought you a wee present, Willie.

Oh, look at that, Dad.

-Does he like whisky?

-Oh, aye.

That's very generous of you, Christine.

Oh, look at that, Cath, look what Christine brought him.

It's malt whisky, Cathy, from Pitlochry.

Oh, Willie. Wow!

Where did you say you got it?

Pitlochry.

Pitlochry, Willie.

What were you doing in Pitlochry?

Oh, I was away on a bus tour with Pat over the back.

It was small towns of Perthshire

and a waterfall I wisnae interested in.

Malt whisky, my ass.

Whit?!

That's not malt whisky.

That's that cheap shite they sell to tourists.

Dad's quite fussy about his whisky.

Well, still, it was a lovely thought, Christine. Wasn't it, Eric?

Aye, Oh, aye.

Sophie, would you like a drink of something?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Here, Eric, do you fancy a dram?

Dad, you don't mind if I open this, do you?

Eric?

Well...

No' good enough for you, either?

No, I'll... I'll take one.

A wee splash o' water?

-Yeah, smashing.

-Beth?

Sure, why not, ice with mine if you've got it, Colin.

Sophie?

She's pregnant, Colin, she'll just have a Breezer.

Christine, would you like anything?

Aye, ma fucking money back.

I should never have bothered my arse.

Pat said to me in the shop,

"Why don't you just get him the squeezy haggis

"wi' the fridge magnet wi' the piper on the front," and I said,

"No. No way am I turning up to Cathy Whyte's hoose

"wi' a load o' cheap shite."

I know, Christine.

Miserable old bastard.

I mean, you spend £5.99 on a bottle of malt whisky

and that's the thanks you get?

I don't think he's having a great time up at that place

he's staying at.

Aye, what's the matter? The arse wiping no' up to scratch, naw?

Ho, ho, ho, here we go. Right.

Here, does anyone know what whisky means in Gaelic?

The word "whisky"?

I know, I know, I know.

I don't know.

Sophie?

I don't know.

-Guess.

-I don't know.

-Just guess!

Alcohol?

Alcohol.

She thinks it means alcohol, Colin.

No. It means...Eric?

Water of life.

Water...of...life, Sophie.

Water of life!

Water of life? That's three words, whisky's only one.

How the fuck were we meant to know that?

OK, so, everyone ready? I've got a wee toast.

Here's to my Dad - we don't see him often enough

and it's, well, it's great to have you here, it really is,

so here's wishing you a happy birthday.

ALL: Happy birthday, Willie.

Pish water!

Aye, well, cheers, everybody.

Cheers.

-Slainte.

-What's slainte?

That's Gaelic as well.

It means, "Let's get pissed!"

Christ, what is it wi' them turning everything into one word?

Are they short of paper up there?

Anyone for another wee drop?

Oh, yeah!

-Eric?

-Well, I suppose.

Isn't this fun?

Isn't this fun, Willie?

Sophie, do you want a wee drink or something?

No, I'm all right.

Are you sure?

A wee can of Irn Bru?

No thanks.

Don't! She might have a wee ginger baby.

Ha-ha ha-ha!

Heh heh heh.

PHONE RINGS Oh, it's Ian.

Hello, love.

Oh, right.

Cathy. Ian and Jaz are at ours, they've just dropped by.

-We should probably...

-No, no, tell them to come in.

Ian, come to ours, we're having a party!

Y'all right, Dad?

-Is that time to go?

-No, no.

It's not time to go yet, Willie.

No, you can stay as long as you like.

Well, till about seven.

Oh, hiya.

Look at you two, like two wee gay Jehovah's Witnesses.

In you come.

Look who I found!

Ho, ho, you boys ready to join the party?

-Hi, son.

-Hi, boys.

-Hiya. All right, Soph?

Hiya.

There's Jaz - that's my wee pal, there.

Hi, Christine, how are you?

Jaz, have you been introduced to Willie?

-Hello, Willie.

-Awright, Willie.

Who's this?

That's Eric's son. And this is his...

pal, Jaz.

So what brings you two over this neck of the woods then, eh?

Oh, we were just in at the estate agent's and we thought we'd drop by.

We put an offer in on a flat.

Oh, my goodness, have you?

Don't say anything yet,

we're just waiting to hear if it's been accepted.

Don't want to tempt fate, we're not telling anyone about it.

-What is it?

-We've just put an offer in on a flat.

Aw, smashing.

Nothing's confirmed, we're still waiting to hear,

so just keep it to yourself now, eh?

Course I will.

Hey, Cath, they just bought a hoose.

Woohoo! Oh, that is great news.

You're getting out of that nasty little flat.

Have you ever been to Pitlochry, Willie?

No.

So when will you find out?

They're speaking to the owners now

and then they're going to phone us back.

Are you going to have a house-warming, Jaz?

Oh, Cathy, let's just wait till they find out if they've got it, eh?

Remember that one we had up at our last place, Col?

That was a riot.

One of the neighbour's boys slid down the banisters

and cut himself all the way up the inside of his leg,

right up into his actual bum area.

Sorry we didn't bring a present or anything.

Aye, we didn't realise it was your dad's birthday, Colin, sorry.

Don't worry about it - Beth only brought fudge.

Aw, I love fudge.

Do you, Jaz? Col, get the fudge - Jaz wants some.

Are you a fudge fan, Willie?

Naw.

Aw, come on, a wee bit of fudge wi' a cup of tea, lovely.

Jaz, help me rip it.

That's it.

Oh, poo.

There you are.

Christine?

Thanks very much.

Dad, do you want a bit?

-Go on, Willie.

-Go on, Dad.

Go on, Willie!

Oh, Beth,

that is fucking tremendous.

It's like biting into a big thick cushion, so it is.

Oh, here, Sophie, wait till you get your teeth into that.

There she goes.

Yum-yum for baby.

Boy, oh boy, Beth, that is as creamy as anything.

Have you tried a bit, Cath?

-Eh, no.

-My back teeth are going all gooey with it.

Aye, well, don't fill yourselves up with fudge -

Cathy's getting some food on the go, aren't you, Cath?

-Yeah.

-Marks and Spencer's, Sophie.

-Oh.

-Is it platefuls you're doing, Cathy, or just a buffet?

Just a buffet, in't that right Cath?

-Yeah.

-And when are we having it?

Once I've done the fudge!

Colin.

Honestly.

I want food now.

All I've had's a biscuit.

Aw, are you no' feeding this man, Cathy?

Maybe we should just get something to eat now, Cath?

Aye, I'm actually a wee bit peckish myself.

All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going.

Nothing salady for me, Cathy, takes up too much room on the plate.

And remember, for Sophie, no quiche, no prawns, no salmon,

no soft cheese, no chicken on the skewers.

You can eat chicken when you're pregnant can you no?

Oh, aye. She just keeps jabbing the roof of her mouth wi' the sticks.

Do you want a hand, Cathy?

No, no, no, you're all right. You stay there, I've got this.

# A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat

# De dee de diddly dee dee de dee de dee de dee

-# De diddly de de mm hmm mmm...

-#

-CATHY:

-Beth!

Beth!

Any chance of a hand?

Sure.

OK, what have you done so far?

I've opened a big packet of crisps.

OK. Right.

What we'll do is we'll get the nibbly stuff on to these.

It'll be fine, everyone's beginning to relax and enjoy themselves.

You don't have to worry.

If you could just...

Oh.

Willie.

Willie.

Willie!

What?

Do you remember that newsagents that used to be in the corner

where the big Tesco's is built?

Naw.

Well, apparently the guy that used to have that

has recently been accused of filming up a woman's skirt

on a train to Edinburgh.

As I says to Sophie,

it's just as well that I normally wear my joggers when I'm travelling.

You all right there, Willie? You getting a nice chat with Christine?

Chat, chat, chat!

Would either of you boys care for a wee whisky?

No, I'm fine. I can't drink spirits.

Och, on ye go, just try a wee one.

MOBILE RINGS

Cheers.

'Sake.

JAZ RETCHES

Hello.

Speaking.

Oh.

Right, OK.

Uh-huh.

OK, I'll talk to Jaz and see what he thinks.

I'll phone you back.

Bye.

Sorry.

Too low.

They knocked it back.

-Aw, no.

-Oh, dear.

Oh, that's a right old kick in the nuts, that.

What's going on?

They just had their offer on the place knocked back.

I says to them - bit of a kick in the nuts.

Oh, bang!

Right in the ballsack.

They missed out on that house they wanted.

They tried to pull a fast one, going in low.

Now it's backfired, folk selling it have told them where to stick it.

Bang!

Oh, do you hear that, Sophie?

It's a shame.

Oh, there's Sophie all upset as well.

The prices they're asking these days are ridiculous.

Well, this is the property bubble for you, Eric, in't it?

Aye.

But we all know what happens to bubbles.

Uh-huh.

They float away.

Right, here we are.

Have you ever been kicked in the nuts, Willie?

Aye, awright, Cath.

I'm just trying to make him feel included.

Beth, nightmare. He just heard from the estate agent.

-They didnae get it. The offer was rejected.

-Oh.

Bash, boof, ah!

Right in the balls!

Why did they reject it?

It's the bubble, Beth.

-What?

-Beth, come on, hand the food round.

Sorry, Willie.

Can yous offer any higher?

See, they offered low, trying to get it on the cheap

and now the guy's got them over a barrel. It's an absolute mess.

Can we offer any higher?

I don't know.

What do you think?

Beth, could I get a napkin?

How much more do you reckon you'd have to offer?

Mmm, I dunno.

-Two grand?

-Oh, here we go again.

Three? Four?

I mean, five seems a lot.

Does it? I mean, you've already pissed them off once.

We can't afford another £5,000, can we?

£5,000, Willie.

I bet that's more than you've earned in your entire life.

Christ, how old does she think I am?

I don't know what to do.

Offer 5,000 more.

What?

Offer five grand on top of what you offered already.

-We'll...

-We'll give you the money.

You all right, Dad, you enjoying yourself?

Naw.

Anybody care for a wee top up?

Oh, come on, that's Willie's whisky. We cannae drink the lot.

Do you no' want another one?

I never said that.

I'll need to get some more ginger ale. Cath...

Beth, mixer.

Here, I'll take one.

Allow me, squire.

When I was on that bus tour to Pitlochry

there was an option of an overnight for you, a dinner and dance.

Or is it a dinner and a ceilidh?

Oh, I love ceilidhs.

Why did you not go?

Oh, well, I like my own bed and Pat couldnae be arsed.

Do you remember that ceilidh we went up to at the time-share, Col?

Remember where that woman smashed her pelvis?

Aye. Aw, they're great fun.

I'll tell you who used to go to a lot of ceilidhs.

Who?

-What?

-You were a man for the ceilidhs, were you no'?

Och, aye, but that was a long time ago.

Oh, you liked to dance, Willie?

It wisnae the dancing. He was playing in the band - accordion.

Aye? Play the accordion, do you, Willie?

Aye, a wee bit.

A bit? He was practically professional.

I had an uncle used to play the bagpipes.

Did you, Eric?

Did you hear that, Sophie?

Eric had an uncle that used to play the bagpipes.

Oh, Sophie used to play the clarinet, as well.

She was quite good too, eh?

What was it again, you...?

Oh, aye, Pop Goes The Weasel.

# Dee de dee de diddly dee dee dee de dee dee... #

Christine...

# De de de diddly de de de de de de... #

-Christine!

-# De diddly de de de de... #

Naw, Christine...

# De diddly de de de de de de de de...#

You're away on A Finger Of Fudge, Christine.

Aw, shite, so I am.

Here, Dad, you know what I've got up the stairs?

-Naw.

-Your accordion. Hmm?

Will I away and get it and you can give us a wee tune?

ALL: Yeah!

Oh, no, no, no.

Go on, Willie, it's your birthday.

-Do something.

-Two ticks.

# De dee de diddly dee dee dee de dee de dee

# De diddly de de de de

# Pop goes the weasel. #

Och.

See, I'm the same wi' Itsy Bitsy Polka Dot Bikini, Beth.

I just start humming it and before I know it,

I'm straight into the theme song fae Benny Hill.

So ah am, amn't I, Sophie?

Yep.

I blame Jive Bunny, Willie.

Oh, those megamixes they brought out just scrambled me.

Ho, ho, ho. Here she is!

ALL: Whoa!

Right, let's see what we've got here, eh?

You going to give us a tune, are you, Willie?

-Oh, Col, give me a shot, gie us a shot.

-OK.

-Whoo!

-Got it?

That's you, haud on.

Oh!

# Here comes the Highland granny,

# Great big tits and a hairy fanny. #

It's not working, it's broken Colin.

Aye. Quite a lot of money these things cost, you know.

We had this valued last year, you know, for insurance purposes.

But, there you go, Dad.

Aye, this'll bring back a few happy memories, eh?

Aye, your grandad got me this.

Jeezo, that must have cost him a few weeks' wages, eh?

Not many.

He nicked it from a wee blind boy outside the bus station.

Look at that, Sophie, I bet you wish you'd kept going

with your clarinet, eh?

You could be up here playing with Willie.

There you go, Dad, that's you.

ACCORDION PLAYS

CHEERING

What about that, eh?

That was terrific.

Right, that's enough.

Oh, come on, Willie, give us another one.

Jaz, Jaz, get up, get up, get up.

Dance!

Willie, give us another one so Jaz can dance to it.

He doesn't want to, Cathy.

He's gay, of course he wants to!

Remember Scottish country dancing at school?

-Did you ever do that, Eric?

-Oh, aye.

Drops Of Brandy, Gay Gordons, Strip The Willow.

-Strip The Willow!

-That's it. Play us a reel, Dad.

-Naw.

-Right.

We have gone to a lot of trouble today, Willie,

all for your birthday.

The least you could do is give us a wee tune on your...

That thing there, mmm.

Play, Willie!

Right, one more.

CHEERING

Beth, move that table.

Beth, come on. Hurry up!

Don't drag it.

Come on. Eric, up you get and take a partner.

-Up, up, up!

-Sophie, come on, wee dance.

-No.

-Shift, Willie.

-Come on, Soph'.

Move that back. Move him, move him over there.

Sophie!

That's you. Right, get yourself sorted.

Right.

Oh, Jaz, Jaz.

You should be wearing a kilt with no pants.

I don't know what I'm doing!

It's country dancing, Jaz.

It's easy, you just, you run up and down and scream!

Right, we'll do...

We'll do Strip The Willow, Dad, eh?

Yeah, ceilidh! Yahoo!

Right, Jaz, what you do is,

you go into the middle to meet your partner and spin round.

That's it.

Oh, stop it, Jaz. Jaz, please.

And just go right doon the line with her.

That's you, till you get to the end. That's it.

That's it, Cathy.

And do a wee spin at the bottom.

And, well, you know, basically that's it.

We've got it, we've got it. Come on, let's do it.

Right, you ready, Dad?

ACCORDION PLAYS

Now careful, Ian,

she's spewing up at the drop of a hat the now.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Oh, let Jaz and Ian spin together.

They're gay, equal rights!

Jaz! Jaz! Jaz! Jaz! Jaz!

Jaz, stop.

Jaz, Jaz!

Are you all right, Christine?

Silly wee bastard.

I'm so sorry, Christine.

It was an accident.

Mum, take Eric's hand.

Here, Christine give us your hand.

Aye, all right, give us a minute.

Sorry, Willie, apologies, my friend.

It's no' your fault.

Though...

why we couldnae have left that fucking thing

in the cupboard, I don't know.

-Aw, shit!

-What is it?

Missed call from the estate agent.

Willie, go again.

Hang on, Cathy, and wait until Ian's made his phone call.

Oh, pardon me at my own party.

Oh, landed right on my tail bone there.

Wait till you see the big giant bruise at the top of my arse

in the morning, Jaz.

Really? No, no that's amazing.

Brilliant. Bye.

-We got it!

-Yes.

We got the house, they accepted the offer.

-Aw, well done.

-Fantastic!

Celebration. Come on, Willie, give us another one.

Naw.

-Come on!

-Naw, I'm needing the loo.

Right hold on, Dad, I'll get that for you.

Now, do you know where it is?

And it's... It's the wee button for a pee.

Aye,

we'll see how much comes oot.

I think he's enjoyed it.

Aye, he has, aye, compared to what he was like when he came in.

Well, maybe the nurses are right, you know?

He's just needing some time with the family.

Oh, bless.

I feel bad about him going back up there tonight.

Why do you not just see if he's wanting to stay over?

Aye, every birthday's precious when you get to that age, in't it Sophie?

Aye, why not?

Cath, what do you reckon?

Beth will give you a hand with his breakfast.

TOILET FLUSHES

OK then.

Brilliant.

Dad, we were just saying, me and Cath,

we know things aren't ideal up at the home,

but we've had a good day and we've all enjoyed ourselves

so, how would you just like to... to stay the night?

Where, here?

-Aye.

-Stay the whole night?

Cath'll cook us a bit of dinner

and we'll make up a bed for you down here.

What do you say?

Naw.

# Oh Willie, oh Willie

# Every kiss I get from Willie is a dilly

# Willie, oh Willie

# I'm so much in love with Willie that it's silly

# Willie, he's such a honey

# When he looks at me I go all kind of funny

# Willie, oh Willie

# I just go for darling Willie willy nilly. #