Episode 5 Two Doors Down

Eric! Scrambled eggs ready!

Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

This programme contains some strong language.

Thank you.

DJ CHATS ON RADIO

Good morning, Mr Baird.

Hi, son.

Are you having a shave?

-Aye.

-I've got some post-shave moisturiser, if you'd like it.

No, you're all right.

It's good for cuts.

I don't get cuts.

Have you ever tried growing a beard?

No.

I did, but I kept on getting stopped at the airport.

What about a moustache?

No!

I tried one but Ian said it was too tickly.

Mr Baird?

What?

You've cut yourself.

So, what are you up to today?

Not much. What about you?

Well, once your dad's away, I'm going to go and get my hair done.

Aw, nice. Are you getting it dyed?

I mean, cut?

Well, I'm just looking forward to getting a bit of time to myself.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Beth, you're up and dressed. Good, I'll come in.

MUSIC: Love Sex Magic by Ciara ft Justin Timberlake

Ooooh, there he is.

Give us a twirl.

Wait till I get my hat on.

Hey, hey!

Oh, look at you!

Like a wee Krankie.

Right, that's me.

Latvia, here I come!

Are you no' taking a bag?

Naw! Everything I need I've got in here.

Passport, my wallet, tickets for the match, my lip balm.

What about clean pants and stuff?

Oh.

Fair enough.

So then I pressed confirm.

You know how you get that wee box down at the bottom

on the right-hand side that says confirm?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, I pressed that.

And then the wee dots started going round and round in a circle.

And then I says to her - what was it I said, Sophie?

"What do they wee dots mean?"

Uh-huh.

And she says - what was it you said again?

"Buffering."

Buffering, Beth.

It buffered and buffered and buffered and then...

-went blank.

-It froze halfway through the order,

so we don't know if it's gone through or not.

-What were you buying?

-Don't ask.

A buggy.

Oh, right.

The Barneyboo, Beth.

In navy, in't it, Sophie?

Barneyboo, Ian.

I said that I would buy her that and her breast pumps,

and Pat over the back is going to buy her the brolly to match

and an Elsa potty.

Oh, hiya, Christine.

Oh, you're here, as well?

You've got a houseful the day, Beth!

Uh-huh. Well, Ian and Jaz are staying here until

they get the keys to their new place.

And is that all your boxes there?

Uh-huh.

Let me know if you've got any bubble wrap going a-begging,

because Sophie loves popping that wi' her teeth.

For fuck's sake.

Actually, Jaz, you might be able to help.

Are you any good wi' computers?

Sorry, I'm not.

What it is is...

She was in the middle of buying something online

and her computer froze.

Sophie, can I get you anything?

A cup o' tea for me, please, Beth.

So, Jaz, what was it you said that you thought it was again?

I really don't know.

I mean, it might be something to do with your router.

-My what-er?

-Your router.

Either that or a virus.

A virus.

What do you think? Could be, couldn't it?

Is that what you think, Jaz? A virus?

And where might that have come from?

From spam?

A spam virus?

Oh, my God!

I thought maybe just the Wi-Fi signal was weak.

Well, it would be weak if it'd had a virus.

That's not how it works, Christine.

Look, could you shush for a wee minute, Ian?

Jaz is the expert here.

I'm really not.

Jaz, do you think that I might've been hacked?

-Ugh!

-Look, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, Christine.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

You're not the one that'll be sitting here without a buggy,

while some thieving bastard is cutting about Nigeria,

away out for his tea wi' money aff my debit card.

Did we not get some kind of booklet thing that came with our broadband?

Aw, yeah, yeah. I think it's in one of those boxes.

Thank God Jaz is here, eh, Sophie?

-CATHY:

-Yoo-hoo!

It's only us!

Oh, here he is!

-All set?

-Hiya, Cathy.

Morning, squire.

Look at you in your dressing gown, Eric.

Lovely big towelling robe keeping you all nice and warm.

Hi, Cathy.

-Hiya, missus.

-Oh, Eric, are you not even dressed yet?

And I've got scrambled eggs sitting there for you.

Have you, Beth? Lovely.

I'm nearly ready. I was just packing my bag.

What are you taking a bag for?

Just put all your essentials into your sporran, that's what I've done.

-That's all Colin's done.

-Aye, it weighs it down at the front as well,

so it doesnae flap up, you know?

Flap up and show your cock.

Ah! Thank you, Cathy.

-What?

-Well, I don't think we need to spell it out.

Well, we all know he's got one.

You said it was thicker than a....

Cathy!

Colin's going commando, aren't you?

I am. Well, you know, if you're on the pints it just saves time

after a while, Beth.

I'm not wearing a kilt.

-BOTH:

-What?!

He's not wearing a kilt. He doesn't even have one.

You can't go on a trip with the old Tartan Army no' wearing a kilt.

-Well?

-Colin, what about your old one?

That'll no fit Eric. Look at the size of him.

Oh, go and get it. It'll be fine.

I've wiped all that stuff off it.

Beth!

Oh, is that Christine?

Beth!

Coming, Christine!

Yes, Christine?

Jaz thinks it's my router.

I'll go and see if I can figure out what's the matter with it.

Give us your computer.

Technology, eh, Jaz?

Here, I've got a flashing Christmas headband that is on the blink as well.

You might have a wee look at that, if you don't mind.

Oh, he's a little wizard, this one, aren't you?

Right, I'll not be long.

So, what are you getting up to while Eric's away?

I'm having my hair done this afternoon.

-What?

-I'm having my hair done.

-You're going out?

-Yes.

-Today?

-Yes.

Oh.

What about you?

Oh, busy, Beth.

I've, er, tons of stuff to be getting on with.

What time'll you be back?

Beth.

So, how are you doing, missus?

I'm OK. I'm getting a bit tired now.

I was gonna say, you look done in.

Oh, it's so exciting though, isn't it?

Just think, in a few months' time you'll be a mum!

A single mum, knackered, but making the most of it.

Aye, never mind her! I'm knackered.

I've been up since seven o'clock this morning trying to get

my hands on a Barneyboo.

-A what?

-A Barneyboo, Cathy.

It's a buggy, Mrs Whyte.

THE Barneyboo. Oh, you should see!

What's it like, Sophie?

-It's all right.

-Eh?! It's absolutely beautiful.

I said that I would get her that and her breast pumps,

and Pat over the back's going to get her the matching brolly

and an Elsa potty.

So, are you breast-feeding, are you, Sophie?

I'm gonnae try.

Aw, that's amazing.

Jaz, isn't that smashing?

Little baby sucking all the milk out of Sophie's breasts.

It helps you to bond with the baby.

Oh, yeah. Why pay for milk when you've basically got two big

bottles attached to you already?

You all right, troops? Howdy doody.

Christine's computer's packed in.

Aw, no.

-I know.

-Oh, that's terrible.

-It is.

-And is there nothing you can do with it at all, Jaz?

She was in the middle of ordering a Bunnybugger, Colin.

Barneyboo.

Oh.

It's a buggy.

Hey, what's aw this?

It's for the football.

They're going to Latvia to see Scotland play, Christine.

Latvia?

-There's a guy that goes to my gym who's from Latvia.

-Is there, Jaz?

-Yeah.

-It's a beautiful country, apparently.

It's Riga we're going to, Jaz.

And you say it like this - Riga.

Yeah, that's where he's from.

He says it's a really popular destination for men looking

for cheap alcohol and prostitutes.

Oh.

Can you imagine being a prostitute, Beth?

-Sorry?

-In and out strangers' cars all night.

I just couldn't do it.

I get travel sick if I can't see out.

Oh, Jaz, can you clear up that mess, please?

Oh, sorry.

There is so much shit everywhere.

I don't know how you cope with it.

Colin, are you wanting anything?

Have you still got some of that scrambled egg on the go?

Oh, Christine, what a shame about your Buggeryboo.

Barneyboo.

COLIN: Why don't you just order another one?

-Eh?

-If your order didnae go through, just order another one.

Oh, right enough.

Where's my computer?

Ian's away with it.

Beth, iPad!

No, honestly, just leave it.

You're all right, Sophie. We'll get aw this sorted out for you.

Yeah, you single mums need all the help you can get.

Beth!

-What?!

-Where is your iPad?

We're gonnae order another Barneyboo.

Oh, for God's sake.

Pig sty.

Ah!

Right...

Oh, no.

What is it?

Battery low.

Technology, eh, Jaz?

Jaz, do you mind nipping upstairs, see if you can find

the charger for that, please?

When it works, it's great. When it doesn't, you're totally fucked.

Oh.

Sorry.

I was just looking for the iPad charger.

Over there.

You know, I've got clippers if you want to...

No.

Just a wee bit of privacy in my own home would be fine, thanks.

Have you ever been to Latvia, Sophie?

No, no, I've not.

That's the great thing about the Tartan Army, you know.

It gives you a chance to see the world.

I mean, I've been in hospitals and police stations all over Europe.

Barneywhat, Christine?

-BOTH:

-Boo!

I like the way she does that.

Look at that, Sophie.

I'd love an iPad.

But there's always the worry of sitting on it.

I'll leave that to you, Jaz. You're the, er, whizz kid.

Cathy, come over and sit next to me so I can watch it.

No, no.

All right, I'll come and sit next to you then.

Sophie, can I get you anything at all?

I'm fine, Mrs Baird, honestly.

Do you want a banana or something?

No, I'm OK.

Bananas are supposed to be good if you're pregnant, are they not?

-I don't really like them.

-I'll have a banana, Beth, if there's one on the go.

You've not even finished your roll yet!

48 hours solid drinking ahead of us.

Cannae do that on an empty stomach.

You're not drinking for 48 hours, surely!

No. Well, the game's 90 minutes and, well, there's no bottles allowed in, so, naw.

Beth? Beth?

Yes, Christine?

I'll take a wee banana.

Oh, dear God.

Right. Anybody else want a banana?

No, thank you.

Jaz?

No, thank you.

Oh, Beth?

I'll take half of one.

Er...

Please, may I have an apple?

Right. Christine, quantity?

Er, one.

Oh, uno.

Card details?

Ah, Christ! I've left my bag in the house.

Oh, Christine!

Sophie, nip back next door and bring me my bag, will you?

No, you don't need to bother.

All right, I'll give you the money back, Cathy.

It's not my card, it's Beth's.

Oh.

-CATHY:

-Expiry?

-CHRISTINE:

-04-19.

Aye, there's a few trips to Morrison's left in you, my friend.

Well, what d'you think?

Yeah...looks good.

What?

What is it? What's she laughing at?

All right, that's enough. I'm taking it off.

No, no, you big baby!

I'll just put my jeans back on.

Honestly, Eric, it's fine. Looks good.

It looks fine, Mr Baird. It really suits you.

Are you wearing anything underneath?

Well, yeah.

-Are you?

-Of course!

I'm not going to Latvia and back wi' a bare arse.

I saw his bum earlier when I was upstairs.

It was really hairy.

Colin is a true Scotsman.

Have you got nothing on under that?

-No.

-Aw, for God's sake!

There's food being served here!

Maybe change the shoes, Eric.

-To what?

-Well, boots or something would look good.

That's what guys normally wear wi' a kilt.

-I've no' got boots.

-I have!

Well, sort of high tops.

-What size are you?

-Nine.

-Oh, snap.

Go and try them on.

Big size nine feet on the end o' they wee dumpy legs.

He looks like somebody's put him together at a jumble sale.

TV IN BACKGROUND

Thanks, Beth.

You all right, Sophie?

Just a bit knackered.

Huh, you and me both, pet.

This is supposed to be me getting a day to myself.

Do you want to go upstairs for a wee lie-down?

Do you mind?

On you go.

Where's she going?

She's going up for a sleep.

Beth. Beth!

God bless, Beth. There we are.

Jaz, Jaz!

Let's get a look at the history, see what Beth's been looking at.

Right, so lasagne recipes, second-hand Fiat dealers, Santander.

Here, I'll put something in for her. You'll know it.

Latino monster cocks.

Oof!

Eh, sorry, Mr Baird.

DOOR SHUTS

Aw, here he is. You took your time.

Aye, sorry.

How did you get on?

I switched everything off and left it for a good five minutes

and then switched it back on and it's fine!

-As simple as that?

-Aye.

In fact, it looks as if that thing you were buying has went through.

You're joking?

Naw. Hang on, I'll just connect to the Wi-Fi here.

Jaz, password!

I don't know.

Oh, it must be a hard one if Jaz doesn't know it, eh, Beth?

It's all right, I've got it.

There you go - look!

Hang on, hang on! What's going on? Has she got one?

She's got two.

Two?

Well, if you ordered one when you came in here

and the original one went through, then you've got two.

Aw, no. Aw, no, no.

Jaz, how could you let this happen?

It's fine. We'll just, we'll just cancel one of them.

Beth, phone up and cancel yours.

-Mine?

-Well, it's on your card, so...

It's on my card?!

We used your debit card to buy it.

Oh, for God's sake!

Well, Christine'll give you the money. It's all right.

Can I wait till the end of September, Beth?

Right, who am I phoning?

Aw, hey, here he is.

Aw, hey, they look the business, Eric.

-Do you think?

-Oh, trainers are ideal.

Comfier, aren't they?

Aye, they dry oot quicker than boots if you get hit by

the old water cannon.

I hope they don't keep your mum on hold for too long.

I was on the phone for 45 minutes last week to

a wee boy in Calcutta about a fault in my oven.

By the time we'd finished,

I was for sticking my head in the bloody thing.

What, er, what time are we meant to be there?

Should we not be getting a jilldee on?

Hand baggage only, Eric. We'll be through in no time.

Are you excited, Eric?

Aye, I am quite looking forward to it.

Not still wearing the pants, are you?

Aye, I am.

Aw, he's letting his country down, isn't he, Colin?

He can do what he wants.

No! He should take them off!

We all want you to, don't we, Jaz?

-No!

-Oh, don't be such a spoilsport, Eric.

Colin's is tiny when it's soft and he's still going for it.

-No!

-Booo!

BETH: Right, that's it cancelled.

Well done, Beth.

Credit where credit's due.

You are amazing when it comes to cancelling stuff.

Christine, I'm saying that's it cancelled.

Beth, what d'you reckon?

Really?

Sure he shouldn't wear pants, Beth? Tell him to go bare.

Christine, what are you doing? I've phoned and cancelled it!

Take a look at this!

Cherry tomatoes, 79 pence.

Cherry tomatoes, 79 pence, add to basket.

Oh, satsumas in the net, 1.59.

Christine, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just doing a wee online shop, Beth.

Ian's got me wired up to your Wi-Fi here.

It's like lightning.

What else? Oh, carrots.

A 5kg bag.

Who's gonna buy that? Bugs fucking Bunny?

Toilet rolls. Where's Sophie?

She's still upstairs.

-Is she sleeping?

-I think so.

Ian, away and wake her up and ask her if she wants Cushelle or Andrex.

Right. Well, I hate to be a pain but is there any chance you could

finish that off next door?

What?

Well, I've got a hair appointment this afternoon and, Eric,

you two will need to be getting to the airport, will you not?

What am I going to do?

Aye, we should be thinking of making tracks, actually.

As I say, I hate to be a pain...

What about Sophie?

Well, the boys'll be here.

Beth, can I come with you to the hairdresser's?

I'm gonna get dreadlocks.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, wait a minute.

Who is this?

Hello?

Speaking.

What?

It's about the Barneyboo.

Oh, for God's sake.

Sh! Sit down.

Now, don't tell me you don't have it, because we've just checked

here and it's said it's gone through.

Good.

What?

Aw, no.

They don't have it in the blue, they've only got it in the red!

-Oh, God, no.

-Red's fine, Christine!

Are you joking?

Going about with that with the hood up, she'll look like Postman Pat.

Pat!

The brolly, the brolly!

Hello?

Er, no, this is Mrs Baird.

I'm with Mrs O'Neil.

Er, no, she's on the other line at the moment.

Hello, Pat, it's me.

-Pat...

-They're asking if she wants a refund.

-Christine...

-Sh, sh, sh.

Pat, are you there!

Answer machine.

Aw, hell's teeth!

Don't tell me that she's already away out buying the brolly.

Look it's complicated. There's a brolly involved.

Erm, Pat's buying the brolly.

Hello, Pat, can you phone me ASAP?

I'll not say much till I speak to you,

but there's been a problem with the Barneyboo.

Oh, and by the way,

Asda have got satsumas in the net for 1.59.

Okey dokey.

Right, give me that.

Right, son, this is Mrs O'Neil now.

Let me get this straight.

You don't have the buggy in the blue? Right.

You've only got it in the red?

Uh-huh.

And you don't know when you're going to get blue ones back in?

Fine.

But, you have refunded the money onto my card?

Good-oh.

Now, fuck off.

What are we going to do?

So, then I said to her, "Well, I'm thinking about using cloth nappies,"

and she says, "What d'you want to use cloth nappies for?"

And I said, "Oh, cos they're better for the environment."

And then she said, "Oh, you'll no' be saying that when your

"environment's a sink full of shitty nappies."

It's only nappies, innit?

It's not just nappies, it's everything.

It's shawls, cots, dummies.

One dummy's the same as another, is it not?

Not after she's tested it out, it's not.

Well, at least you're getting the buggy you want.

I'm not getting the buggy I want.

I only said yes to shut her up.

It's not exactly worked, has it?

No, you're right, it hasn't.

We should be getting a move on, should we not?

Er, just wait a minute, Eric, until we sort this out.

Have you not got the hairdresser's?

You're going nowhere, missus.

-What?

-Pat's already got the brolly!

-Eh?

-Pat's got the brolly, so we need to get the buggy.

Now, Christine's on the phone to...

-Who are you on the phone to, Christine?

-Argos!

-Argos.

-I've still got this Vivaldi blaring in my ears.

The Four Seasons.

Feels like a fuck of a lot longer than that.

Oh, hello?! Hello, I wonder if yous could help me...

Beth, you do Debenhams. Eric, you do Mothercare. I'll do John Lewis.

..I'm phoning to enquire if you've got a blue Barneyboo buggy in stock.

Er, Barneyboo.

"Barney" as in argument,

"boo" as in gie you a fright.

Do Halfords do buggies, Jaz?

Er... Come on, Jaz, think!

I'll give them a try anyway.

Oh, useless bastards.

All right, who am I doing now?

TK Maxx, Christine!

Aw, bloody junkyard!

Oh, hello! Hello, yes...

All right, I'll give them a try anyway.

Aw, have you no'?

Ooh, yes, hello! I'm looking for a Barneyboo in navy blue.

Aw, that's a shame.

And do you have it in blue, by any chance?

Just out of interest, how much are you doing screen wash for?

No, you don't, you've only got them in red?

Ssh!

Oh, hello! I'm so sorry to trouble you,

excuse me, but we have a bit of an emergency here.

So, my friend's neighbour's daughter is pregnant, but Pat over the

back has already got the brolly but we are looking for the Buggeryboo

to go with it, so I'm wondering if you can help us with that at all?

Oh, no, don't put me on hold!

Aw, there she is.

I hope you're feeling nice and rested.

It's going like a Filipino sweatshop in here.

-Mum, listen.

-Er, Christine.

Mum, will you listen? See this buggy....

-Christine...

-Mum!

What is it, Sophie?

Christine, they've got one!

I don't want it.

You what?

Sophie, what's the matter?

I don't want the buggy.

I've decided, and you can tell Pat to forget the brolly

or whatever it is that she's got to go with it as well.

Aw, no, no, no, no, no.

Mum! Will you listen?

It's my pregnancy and it's my baby

and I just want to be able to choose my own stuff.

Erm, can you hold the line for a minute, please?

Sophie, listen...

Sophie, we have done everything.

-We have been sitting in here working for you and your baby...

-Cathy.

Cathy!

Sophie's right.

Maybe I have just got a bit carried away wi' all of this.

I didn't mean it.

Honestly.

It's just that, wi' this being my first and hopefully my last

grandchild, I just had my heart set on getting everything right.

And when I saw that buggy, I just thought, that's it.

I can just see Sophie wheeling that about the town,

Pat's wee brolly on the side keeping the sun out.

Mair like the rain, I think.

Ssh!

But, maybe you're right.

Even as the grandmother,

I should just keep my nose out.

It's a shame, but, hey-ho...

..if that's what you want.

Get the buggy!

Only if you're sure.

Get the buggy, but I swear, from now on, I'm in charge.

Got it?!

Mm-hm!

Right, hello.

Yes, we'll take it.

Er, great.

And that's the Barneyboo...

-In blue!

-..and it's definitely navy blue?

Great. OK, and we can pay for it when we collect it?

Oh, that's great.

No, no, no - that's all.

Thanks for your help. Bye!

Hey-hey!

Oh, great.

Oh, Jaz!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, ho! Oh, there's Pat.

Hello, Pat.

Yes.

What?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yes,

I'll let her know.

Thanks. Bye, Pat.

What was she saying?

It's about the brolly.

She has been everywhere and she couldn't get it in the navy blue.

So she's got it in the red.

Where are you travelling to today?

-Riga.

-Ah, away for the football, eh?

Aye.

Any bags to check in?

No, no - this is us.

I can show you the inside of my sporran if you like.

No. No, you're all right.

Passports?

First time over there?

Aye, aye. I hear it's very popular.

Aye, what's not to like? Cheap alcohol and plenty of fa...

Gate 20.

Boarding in 40 minutes.

Thank you.

Here we go, eh! Excited?

Oh, I'm just excited to get away fae that madhouse.

Christ, I've no' had a moment's peace the whole day.

Just the boys now, eh? Here, Eric.

-Oh, no.

-On you go.

It's a wee tradition, that.

Speaking of which, are you no' going to do the true Scotsman thing, no?

Och, sod it! Why not?

That's the spirit!

Here, on you go in behind there.

-Eh?

-On you go.

Nip in there. Naebody'll see you.

PASSENGERS CHEER AND LAUGH

Oh, shit!

You little...