Episode 6 Two Doors Down

This programme contains strong language

GAS HISSES

Beth, Beth!

Can you come through a minute?

What is it, Eric? I'm busy.

-Can you come through a minute?

-What is it?

Honestly, if this is you with that stupid helium again,

I swear to God...

Well, what is it?

HIGHPITCHED: Nothing.

'The person you are calling is not available.

'Please leave a message after the tone.'

-PHONE BEEPS

-Right, Pat, that's 2:30,

Beth's house for Sophie's baby shower thingmy.

Now, Beth's doing food, so don't have any lunch.

We've just made do wae some toast and banana.

Oh, and listen, Pat, there's no smoking in there,

so you'd better have a right good go at it before you come across.

Oh, and bring your electric thingy,

and your chewing gum...

and your patches.

Right, I'll see you later.

Oh, and, Pat, don't bother wrapping that potty.

She knows exactly what you've got her, so just save your paper.

Aye, right, see you later.

All right, okey, dokey, 2:30. Bye.

Why do you not just text her?

Aw, do you know? I never even thought.

"2:30.

"Don't eat, do smoke, bring potty."

Oh, smiley face.

# Mm, mm-mm-mm

# Mm, mm-mm-mm

# Mm, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

# Oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh, oh-oh, oh

# Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #

-Hi!

-Oh, there you are.

Oh, my goodness.

Aw! I whacked it off the corner of a cardboard box, didn't I?

Oh, dear.

Ian said he thinks it's quite sexy.

Said I look like Amir Khan.

How are you? All set?

Getting there. In you go.

-All right, Dad?

-Aye, aye.

-Hello, Mr Baird.

Hi, son. Bloody hell, what happened to you?

-He walked into a box.

-And you thumped him just for that, Ian?

Bloody boxes all over the place.

You'd better watch in case another one comes after you, Jaz.

"Aaargh, help, there's a box chasing me!"

-Are you making a cup of tea?

-Why not?

Here, watch where I'm going in these fucking shoes.

-What time do you think we'll be back?

-I don't know.

What time is it now?

Half two, half three, half four...

No, I'll stick this outside light on

in case Beth makes me stay for my dinner.

-Have you got your phone?

-Yes!

I'll get you to take lots of photos o' me with aw the presents.

We'll put it on Facebook.

-It's no just about presents, Mum.

-I know, I know.

Did you text your bank details to your Auntie Marion?

-Here, Beth, come here and see this.

-What?

Come here and see what Ian's got.

What is it?

HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Mummy.

Where's this cup of tea? My throat's awful dry.

THEY LAUGH

You're as bad as each other. I've told you,

you're not meant to do that!

That is so funny. Let me try.

HE COUGHS

-What is it?

-Oh, no, I don't like it. Tastes like poppers.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, you're here?

-Eh?!

Aye, well, it is my house, you know.

I thought it was just a women's thing.

I told you Ian and Jaz were coming.

I know, but they're no "men, men."

-Oh. Hi, Christine!

-Oh, there she is.

-Hi, Sophie.

-All right, Soph?

Hiya. Oh, wow, this is just...

Oh, my God! Jaz, what happened to you?! Have you been beaten up?

-No, no, no.

-What was it cos you're Asian or cos you're bent?

-Mum!

All right.

Sorry.

Was it cos of your ethnicity

or cos you're bent?

Neither. That's not what's happened.

-Was it you?

-No!

He bumped in to a cardboard box.

See, that can happen.

I cut the side of my mouth when I was licking an envelope.

-Mind of that, Beth?

-I do.

Between that and the cold sore on the other side,

I was like the fucking Joker.

Right, Christine, can I offer you something to drink?

Indeed you can, Beth.

What about a Prosecco?!

-Oh, lovely.

-Thanks.

Oh, there's a fucking strawberry in this.

-Well, yes.

-Is there supposed to be?

-Yes. That's what you're supposed to have for a baby shower.

-Oh.

I don't really like strawberries, Mrs Baird.

Could I maybe get a bit of apple in mine?

Or...orange maybe?

Right. So, we've got the celebration drinks, the cupcakes,

we'll do the presents,

then we'll have a toast and maybe a few speeches.

-Who's doing speeches?

-Well...

-Erm...

Anyone who wants to.

Usually it's the parents, grandparents and godparents.

Oh, here, I'd better text Pat and tell her to bring her inhaler.

THEY MOUTH

So it's definitely just the cupcakes we're getting, Beth?

Yes, just the cupcakes I made myself from scratch this morning

and then iced by hand and covered in pink and blue sprinkles.

-Ah, it's just...we havenae had our lunch.

-It's fine.

Thank you, Mrs Baird, for going to all this trouble.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll go.

Hello, Eric. Can I come in?

I've lost my honey, please let me in.

Go on, stroke my nice soft fur,

you know you want to.

-THEY YELL AND LAUGH

-Shit!

Oh, dear God.

-BOTH: Only us!

-Oh!

"Do eat. Smoke.

"Potty. Angry face."

How do you spell inhaler?

Ach, never mind. "Puffer."

Helloooo!

Oh, is this it? Where is everyone?

-I'm having a separate one for my friends.

-Why?

SHE COUGHS

Oh, hey, Sophie, look at the size of you.

You sure it's a baby you've got in there and no something else?

THEY LAUGH

It is hard to know what is actually baby and what is fluid.

-(Oh, dear God.)

-I was the same, though.

Oh, I was like a giant bloody whale, Beth.

Big baby, eh?

Not necessarily. A big bump doesn't always mean a big baby.

That's true. Although it did wae her.

I came out that hospital like John Wayne after a bad curry.

Right, well, never mind, eh?

What about this, eh? I wonder what this is, eh?

It's a present for Sophie.

"Raaaargh!"

Oh. Thank you!

-Could you no have got one a wee bit bigger?

-I think that's big enough.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jaz, what's happened?

He walked into a box...apparently.

I walked into the edge of a cardboard box.

We're moving house tomorrow and we've got stuff everywhere.

Mm-hm, right. And what really happened?

Did you try to fire into a straight guy, hm?

Most stressful thing in the world they say, Jaz, moving house.

Hmm, you might have another breakdown, Jaz.

He won't.

Are you still on antidepressants?

-Yeah.

-See, I don't think they work.

Right, let's get this started.

Everybody needs drinks. Cathy?

Oh, champagne?

Prosecco.

Oh, here, watch, Cathy - there's stuff floating in it.

Right, OK. So, it's the Prosecco and then the cupcakes,

and then we'll do presents, and then we'll have a toast,

and a few speeches and then there might be a wee surprise after that.

Oooh! What, like a stripper?

-No, Cathy! It's not a hen night.

-Remember that one we went to for

the charity night for the kidney machines and you got all that oil

in your hair?

What time is it?

Still no sign of Pat, eh?

No.

-She will love this.

-Yeah.

A special day.

A very special day.

Yeah.

Here, Sophie, going to loosen the Velcro on my shoe, there?

That's it, it's just a bit tight, the bandage. There we go.

-So...keys to the new place on Monday, then?

-Yeah.

Youse excited? Where did you say it was again?

Was it out past the turn-off for the airport?

Aye, just before you come to the big B&Q.

There's new flats on the left-hand side there.

New place on Monday for these two, Cath, out by the airport.

-CATHY:

-Oh, wow.

What's he up to?

Every time I go to the airport, it reminds me of going on holiday.

A wee bit dicey out there, is it no?

Oh, yes, it is. Uh-huh.

-Is it?

-Well, it certainly used to be.

-It's all been regenerated, though.

-They'd need to have done something

because it was like the Wild West. There was, like, gangs...

-Drug addicts.

-Beggars.

-Oh, God, I hate beggars.

Interrupting me when I'm on the phone!

It'll be all right now, though. I mean, if it's all been done up.

Look forward to the flat warming, Jaz.

I shall treat myself to a new stab vest.

THEY LAUGH

That's enough, Eric!

Honestly, Christine, he's been at this all bloody morning,

inhaling it and doing the funny voice. He thinks it's hilarious.

PHONE RINGS

HIGH-PITCHED: Hi, Pat.

LAUGHTER

-Look, it was fine when we went and did the viewing.

-Mmm.

-I saw stuff written on a wall.

-What stuff?

"Gemma loves spunk."

Look, did you like the flat?

-Well, yeah.

-Did you feel safe when you were there?

Pretty much, yeah.

Well, I'm sure it's fine. That night we went back for the second viewing

the streets were practically deserted.

Everyone was probably round at Gemma's.

Oh, yeah. Spunk.

You all right, Christine?

She's not coming.

Oh, no. Ach, what a shame!

Who's that?

Pat over the back.

No potty today, Sophie.

I wasted two fucking texts on her as well.

So, everybody all right for drinks, eh?

-Sophie?

-Oh, I'm fine, Mr Baird.

You should have a spritzer, Sophie.

That's what I had when I was on the IVF. Well, if I was driving.

Actually, can I have another orange, please,

with just a little bit of fizz in it?

Yeeees!

Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie!

Don't be getting pissed in there!

Here, Jaz! Jaz, come here.

Let me get a closer look at that eye of yours.

Oh, aye, you see, that reminds me of the time that revolving door

at the carvery battered me on the side of the face.

-Do you remember that, Sophie?

-Yes.

I was too busy watching the boy wheeling in a fresh lump of gammon.

So, how long to go now, Sophie?

Oh, well, my due date's the 15th.

Oh, she could go any time, Cathy.

Oh, really?

Do you know if it's a wee boy or a girl yet?

I don't know, I didn't want to find out.

That's why I did pink and blue ones, just in case.

Oh, and that's why I'm going to take one of each.

Oh, close your eyes, Sophie, and pick one.

No peeking.

Awful, awful dry sponge.

Oh, what's it going to be?

Oh, this is going to be a sign. What's she going to have?

A dry fucking mouth. Oh!

Oh, it's blue! She's going to have a boy!

She's going to have a boy!

A wee boy, Eric, eh? A wee pee-pee.

When my sister was pregnant, she didn't know whether it was a boy

or a girl and we all thought it was going to be a girl,

and it turned out it was a boy.

Right, has everybody had a cupcake? There's plenty.

Oh, no, you're all right, Beth.

Christ, my mouth's like the inside of an Arab's sandshoe as it is.

Shall we do the presents?

It's such a shame you're no going to be getting the potty today.

Pat's bought her a potty - it's got a princess on it.

-Awww.

-Princess Elsa.

Oh, it's a lovely deep one, Jaz.

And see when they sit on it, it plays Let It Go.

-Right, shall we start with Ian and Jaz's?

-This one?

-Ohhh...

-What is it?

-It's a night light.

-Oh, is it?

"Bulb not included."

Guess who'll be taking a trip to Wilko then, eh?

Beth, what are you doing tomorrow?

Here's another wee thing for you, Sophie. There you go.

Thank you, that's really kind of youse.

-Oh, where's that for?

-Oh, it's for John Lewis.

Oh, thank you very much.

This is from Eric and I.

Thank you.

It's very practical cos it sticks to the table.

I was thinking of getting one for Eric as well.

Ha-ha(!)

Oh.

This is exciting.

-And where's that for?

-Oh, it's for Superdrug.

Oh. Och, well, I'll take it anyway.

I'll be needing some Toilet Duck.

Well, thank you very much, everyone.

Right. Well, let's get all this paper cleared up. Eric?

Aw, no, I'll take it, Eric.

-I can use that for lining the bottom of the guinea pig's cage.

-Aye?

Oh, aye, no shiny stuff, though, because that doesnae soak up.

Can I do anything, Mrs Baird?

Bring through another bottle of Prosecco, in case anybody wants.

Oh, I'll take one, son, but no floaters for me.

So...you all packed and ready to go, then?

Yeah.

-Where did you say it was again, this place?

-Eastwood Drive.

Aw, aye, aye. No bad up there, actually.

Mind you, awful lot of dogs off the lead.

-Is there?

-Oh, aye.

I'll tell you another thing, the owners don't pick up after them.

The council have a hot line for reporting it but who wants

the reputation of being a grass?

Know what I'm saying, Jaz?

Eh?

No with some of the headcases that stay up there.

I mean, I suppose what you could do,

you could always pick it up yourselves.

-What?

-Well, somebody's got to dae it

and nobody else that lives up there gives a shit.

Oh, sorry.

Mind you,

then you risk the dog itself turning on you, which is understandable.

I get annoyed myself if someone goes into the cubicle straight after me.

And then, of course, there was all that talk about getting

a paddling pool set up in the living room.

Well, giving birth at home can be a messy business.

And I said to the midwife,

"Where's all that going to get emptied once it's all done?"

I mean, that wee drain at my back door can hardly cope

-with the juice aff a roast dinner.

-Mum!

-What?

Am I right, Ian?

(Beth!)

What?

What would happen if she had it now?

-Pardon?

-Sophie.

What would happen if it just started...coming out of her now?

-We'd phone an ambulance.

-But what if it didn't get here in time?

Have you ever delivered a baby before, Beth?

-No.

-Me neither.

You need to get her knickers straight off and move her

-through on to the lino.

-No, Cathy!

We're here to wish her all the best and to celebrate.

I am not shoving her into the kitchen

in case her waters suddenly break.

-You OK, Sophie?

-Yeah.

Oh, Ian, did you bring me those cushions I asked you to?

-Oh, yeah.

-Where are you going?

I've got to get some stuff out the car.

# One for the money and the free ride... #

-Cathy!

-What?! It's meant to be a party, for God's sake!

It's a baby shower, Cathy! Honestly!

Any chance of a can of Stella, Eric?

CAR ALARM CHIRPS

-I think we've made a mistake.

-What?

With the flat. We can't move there. We need to pull out.

Whoa, ho, ho, hang on a minute, what's going on?

-Colin was just telling me about the dogs.

-What dogs?

They're shitting everywhere.

There's dogs shitting everywhere and nobody's clearing it up

because they're too frightened they'll get bitten.

Well, I'm certainly enjoying this.

Much better without the fruit.

I don't like strawberries.

Well, when I say I don't like them,

I mean, I don't NOT like them.

I like them in jam.

I like jam.

And I like toast.

I like toast and jam.

Actually, that's one of my favourites.

# These are a few of my favourite things. #

Right, OK. So, let's have the speeches, shall we?

Nooooooo!

Sophie, this is such a special day.

You're not going to do a speech, are you?

So, we're supposed to start with the mother to be.

No!

-Go on, Sophie. Just a few words.

-Aye, just a few.

Em, well...

Come on, Sophie, don't be shy.

OK. Erm...

Well, I don't really have much to say,

just...thank you for your presents and thank you,

Mrs Baird, for having everyone over.

I just hope the baby doesn't keep you up at night

with all the noise and the crying when it comes.

Oh, we'll be fine. We're used to it with Cathy.

THEY LAUGH

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha(!)

Erm, anyway, thank you for the... the presents and for the vouchers.

I'll make sure I get something nice with them.

-A mattress protector.

-And that's...that's it.

ALL: Aw!

Oh, yes. Very good.

-Oh, another thing.

-Oh, fuck off.

Today isn't just about me and the baby.

-I think we should also be having a toast for Ian and Jaz.

-Aw!

-Oh, no, honestly.

-Uh-huh.

We should be celebrating you getting your new flat.

-To Ian and Jaz.

-ALL: To Ian and Jaz.

- What is it? - Nothing.

What? What's the matter?

Well, we're going to have to have a word with the estate agents.

Apparently the area's a bit mental.

- Really? - Apparently.

At least that's what Colin and Cathy were telling us.

Well I mean, I... I wouldn't say mental.

They said there were gangs and people begging in the street,

and you said I'd have to pick up dog's dirt.

- What?! - What's this about dog's dirt?

Colin, what's going on?

Oh, there's nothing worse.

I'd shoot the lot of them.

Mind that time you had to hose down the pavement out there, Beth,

when that daft spaniel got into your bin?

- Colin? - Well...

I had you! You fell for it!

CATHY AND COLIN LAUGH

What?

-We were winding you up!

-Oh, my God, that's so funny!

You want to have seen him when I says to him about picking up shite.

The wee lip was going and everything.

Aw, you can't beat a good wind up.

You're a dick.

-Aw.

-Ian, it was just a joke.

Oh, aye, hilarious(!) Christ, he's flaky enough as it is.

What?

I don't mean flaky, I mean you worry about...stuff.

Do I?

Jaz, son, do you want a sedative?

One of my wee Mogadons and you'll not give a fuck where you live.

Some people just don't have a sense of humour, Colin.

Just leave it.

So, it's the grandmother next.

That's you, Christine.

Oh, what do I do?

Just say a few words.

-Oh.

-Never usually a problem.

SOPHIE LAUGHS

Oh, let me get sat up then, eh? Right.

CHRISTINE SIGHS

Well, naturally I'm disappointed at the no buffet...

About the pregnancy. About Sophie.

Oh, uh-huh.

Well, obviously...

Aw, heck.

Oh, you're all right, Christine.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, one minute she's your wee lassie and the next thing you

know she's having unprotected intercourse!

It's unbelievable, so it is!

Right, that's enough.

So, is that it then?

Well, the only other thing is the godparents' speech.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

-How no?

-Well, Pat isn't here.

And who said Pat's the godparent?

Eh?!

Pat might not be the godparent.

What are you saying?

I might have already asked someone - or a couple of people.

What are you talking about, like who?

Mr and Mrs Baird.

You what?

I've asked Beth if her and Mr Baird'll be godparents to the baby.

You've asked Beth and Eric

to be godparents to my grandchild?

Pat can still video the birth on her phone, though, can't she?

Well, I'll keep it brief. I'd just like to say...

Later. Right, I've got another wee surprise.

Ian, where are the cushions?

And, Eric, where's that thing I asked you to get?

We're going to play a game called Who's Got The Real Baby?

It's a bit like Pin The Tail On The Donkey.

So, you get the cushion and you stick it up the front of your

jumper, and then we all have to guess whose is the real baby bump.

-OK? Who wants to be blindfolded?

-Me.

-No.

-Mum, you do it!

-Eh?!

-Do my mum, Mrs Baird. Mum, put the blindfold on.

-No.

-Come on.

-No!

Come on, Christine!

SOPHIE AND ERIC GIGGLE

Right, you'll need to get stood up for this.

Aw, Sophie, Sophie, you'll need to give me a hand up.

No, no, don't worry, I'll give you a hand.

Right, careful, Beth, I could fall on my arse here.

Oh, oh!

OK, everyone line up.

- OK, Sophie, you spin her around. - Oh.

Jaz, can you move that out of the way?

No, she's right there. Ian, make sure everyone's got a cushion.

-Now that's it.

-No, one more.

Oh, one more! Ooh, dizzy.

Right OK, Christine,

you're to guess which bump is the real one,

which one's the baby bump. OK?

Right, OK. Where am I going?

Over this way. No, no, over this way, to your right.

There you go. There. Right, that's it.

Ho, ho, ho, that's my wee pal there.

Right. Go down that line.

- Right, oh, oh. - That's it, that's it.

Oh, oh, oh, right, Oh, no. That's HIS wee pal.

Uh-huh.

HE INHALES HELIUM

HIGH-PITCHED: Get off me!

Stupid arse.

Oh, no, no, no, that's not it.

No?

Oh, terrible smell of booze and perfume. That's Cathy.

Right, Oh! Oh, oh, what's this.

Oh, this could be. Oh maybe.

Let me see. Oh, wait a minute. Is it this?

Wait. Mmm, maybe.

No, it's definitely this one.

It's fucking huge!

-Hey!

-Oh, for...

THEY LAUGH

-She thought you were Eric!

-It's not as big as that!

Sophie, what do you make of that then?

Ah!

-Ah!

-What is it?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mrs Whyte! My waters are breaking!

-Beth! Beth, I told you!

-Calm down.

Let go! Get her off me!

Get her off me!

SOPHIE GIGGLES

Cannae beat a good wind up, eh?

THEY LAUGH

-That's my girl!

-Oh, ya dancer!

Oh, come on! That was cheeky!

THEY LAUGH

# Yes, sir, that's my baby

# No, sir, I don't mean maybe

# Yes, sir, that's my baby now

# Yes, sir, that's my baby

# No, sir, I don't mean maybe

# Yes, sir, that's my baby now

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# Yes, sir, that's my baby now

# Yeah! #