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This programme contains strong language | 0:00:05 | 0:00:12 | |
# Next year, all our troubles will be out of sight... # | 0:00:13 | 0:00:18 | |
Your mummy won't be long until she's home. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:24 | |
Have you got a present for Granny? Have you? | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
SHE SNIFFS Oh, I think you have. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:32 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
-Oh! -Hi, Eric! | 0:00:36 | 0:00:37 | |
-You all right, squire? -Aye! | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
Just to say, that's us off! | 0:00:39 | 0:00:40 | |
Oh, right, very good. Beth! So, what time's your flight? | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
BETH! | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Oh, hi, Cathy. Oh, ready for the off, then? | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
Oh, yes. Christmas in the Alps, eh, Cathy? | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Chernobyl, here we come. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
-It's Grenoble, Cath, it's Grenoble. -Oh. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
All the lovely snow and the mountains | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
and those big outdoor cafes with the heaters, | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
where you can just sit and smoke and smoke and... | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
-..smoke. -What the pair of you two up to, then? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Oh, we're just having it here. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
Aw, just the two of yous? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
Well, Ian's popping over to drop off presents | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
and I think he's bringing that new guy he's seeing with him. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
Oh, no need for the mistletoe - | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
they'll still be at the "shagging nonstop" stage. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
Aye. Remember that, Eric, eh? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
Well, they're just dropping by | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
and then it'll just be the two of us for dinner. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
You'll not be bothering with a turkey | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
-if it's just the two of you, then? -Turkey crown. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
You've got a turkey crown, Beth? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:29 | |
Oh, I wish I was staying here now. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
OK, let's go. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
Enjoy yourselves. Have a good time. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Cheers. Hope Santa's good to you! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Aye, well, he's given us one good present already! | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS ON TV | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
What's happened? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
-DOOR CLOSES -What's going on? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
French bastards, Beth! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
All right, Cath, all right. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
What happened? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Air traffic control - they've gone on strike. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
-Oh, no. -They've cancelled the flight. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
No flights in or out of France for the next 48 hours at least. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
Honestly, Beth, I've not been this disappointed | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
since my implants had to come out. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:37 | |
Oh, what a shame. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
I never, ever, want to go to France or have anything to do with | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
anything French ever again in my life. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
I've been looking forward to this for ages, haven't I, Col? | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
She has, aye. Had all her tache bleached and everything. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
Look, if you've not got anything else planned, | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
well, you're welcome to have your Christmas dinner here if you like. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
Sorry? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:07 | |
Well, if you're not going away and you've got nothing in, then... | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
Colin? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:12 | |
Er...it saves us cooking. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
That's true. Would we not be better getting a table somewhere? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
-It's too late in the day. -What about the Thai Fountain? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
-I think they're shut Christmas Day. -Oh. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
The Indian with the paper tablecloths? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
I think they do something for the homeless. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
Sake! There's definitely nowhere else? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Not that I can think of. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
That would be lovely, Beth. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
Wait a minute. What about Sophie? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
As long as she doesn't sit opposite me, that'll be fine. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
No, I mean how is she going to get back? | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
-Oh, God, of course. -What do you mean? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
Well, she was out with Christine and the wee one at EuroDisney. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
And the flight back was overbooked. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:50 | |
So she got put on the waiting list for the next flight home. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Jeezo! Well, any luck, she won't be affected. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
Stuck?! What do you mean, "stuck"? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
Now, you listen here to me. I don't care how they do it... | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
If they have to get Donald fucking Duck himself to fly you back, | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
you will get here for this wee one's first Christmas. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
BABY CRIES Sh-sh-sh. It's all right, | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
it's all right. Everything's fine. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
That be enough for us, will it? | 0:04:24 | 0:04:25 | |
Well, it says "serves four". | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
Aye, four what - mice? | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
There's plenty of veg. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
I wonder if Sophie did make it home last night. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Well, no news is good news. Let's not get involved. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
-Maybe I should go round and check. -Beth! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Hi, Christine. Merry Christmas. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
No' for me, it's not. Come in. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
She's just off the phone a minute ago - | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
next chance of a flight's tomorrow. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
Oh, no! | 0:04:56 | 0:04:57 | |
She says the airport's like a refugee camp. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
There's folk peeing in the prayer room, Beth. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
I mean, on Christmas Day itself. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
And poor Madison. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:08 | |
Oh, she's devastated. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
Is she? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Oh, aye. She shat in her bath. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:13 | |
Oh, dear. Well, listen, why don't you come through to ours? | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
Oh, no, we'll just have it here, Beth. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Are you sure? Cathy and Colin are coming and Ian's popping by. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
No, honestly, we'll be fine. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
We can put Madison upstairs and use the monitor | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
and then you can have a mince pie and a glass of wine. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Just give me two ticks, then. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
OK, I'll just get this. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:32 | |
In you come. I've got her. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
-Right. -Didnae bother with a wreath, I see, this year, Beth. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:41 | |
Oh, she's heavy, isn't she? | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Aye. Sophie's breast-feeding her - | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
every time she slips that bra down it's like Man Versus Food. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:49 | |
There you go, you wee honey. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
Christine's going to join us for dinner. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
Aw. I was hoping you'd say that. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
Compliments of the season, Eric. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
You won't know I'm here - I shan't disturb. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
No problem. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Aw, look at that! I love a real tree. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
# O, Christmas tree | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
# O, Christmas tree | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
# De-deedle-ee, de-de-de-de. # | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
-Do you not find the needles choke up your Hoover, though, Beth? -Er... | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
I'll keep my slippers on, just in case you've missed any. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
I've got the fibre optic tree, Eric, that changes colour. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
Oh, have you? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
Mm-hm. Oh, I cannae put it on the rapid flash, though, | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
in case the guinea pig takes another seizure. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
Right, I'd better start getting things into the oven. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
Do you want a drink, Christine? | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
Oh, no, not when I've got Madison. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
Aw, the wee soul. She's happy as Larry lying there. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Aye, so she is. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:47 | |
Fuck it, then. I'll take a wine. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
-All right? -Fine. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:53 | |
That's five of us that's got to feed now. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
It'll be fine. I won't take much. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:00 | |
What is it you're cooking? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Turkey crown? Are you not doing a proper turkey? | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
-Well, we just thought it would be... -What veg? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
-Sorry? -What veg are we getting? | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
Er, potatoes, sprouts... | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
Are you doing a pig in a blanket? | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
-IAN: -Hi! | 0:07:18 | 0:07:19 | |
Oh, hi. Come in. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
Merry Christmas. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:23 | |
Merry Christmas, Mum. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:24 | |
Aw! | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
This is Gordon. Gordon, this is Mum. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
Hello, Mrs Baird. Merry Christmas. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
Ooh! Merry Christmas. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
Ian's told me a lot about you. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
Oh, right. All good, I hope! | 0:07:36 | 0:07:37 | |
Don't worry - nothing bad. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
Except the story about when you clipped the woman's wing mirror | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
in the car park at Sainsbury's and didn't say anything | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
and then the police came to the door. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
And about the time you broke wind in the yoga class | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
-and everyone was like... -Why don't we go through? | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
That's Ian and Gordon here. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
Oh! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:54 | |
Hiya, Dad. Merry Christmas. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
Merry Christmas, son. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:57 | |
-Gordon, this is my Dad. -Hi Gordon, son. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Merry Christmas, Mr Baird. Are we doing hugs or...? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
OK, that's fine. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:05 | |
-All right, Christine. Merry Christmas. -Mm. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
Christine, this is Gordon. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Hold on till I get the rest of this pie down me. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Hello, Gordon. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:21 | |
Christine stays next door. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
Hello, Christine, merry Christmas. How's your day been so far? | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
Oh, a fucking shit show. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
-Oh. -We were away in EuroDisney and my daughter's stuck out there | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
cos she cannae get a flight back. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Oh, no. Because of the strike? | 0:08:34 | 0:08:35 | |
No, cos she's been kidnapped by the seven dwarves. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
Aye, because of the strike. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Here, Beth, Eric tells me that you're no' doing a proper turkey. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:45 | |
She didnae tell me that | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
-when she was dragging me in here, Gordon. -Well... | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
-BABY CRIES -Aw, there's wee Madison. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
That's my granddaughter, Gordon. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
She's lovely. Aren't they cute at that age? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
She shat in her bath. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
Will I take her upstairs? | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Aw, I don't know, Beth. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
Seems a shame to have her up there on her own. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
We brought you a wee bottle of fizz. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
Well, er, take her up, Beth. Take her away up. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
Aw, thanks very much. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
-Ah, you want a wee drink? -Aye. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
What do you want? | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
Er, just a beer'll do me. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:15 | |
Gordon? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:16 | |
Oh, er, something Christmassy. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
A beer in a glass? THEY CHUCKLE | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
Have you got any Baileys? | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
Oh, I could go one of them as well, Eric. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
You've got your wine. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:26 | |
Not any more, I don't! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Could I get a cube of ice in mine? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:33 | |
It just helps you get the dregs out the bottom of the glass. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Oh, that's a good idea. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
Here, Eric, I'll have a cube of ice in mine as well. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
So, Gordon, how come you're not with your own family today, then? | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
They're all down in Yorkshire. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
Oh, Yorkshire. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
There was a woman from Yorkshire in front of me | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
in the queue for the toilets at EuroDisney. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
Oh, right. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Mm. She took fucking ages. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
That's her - she's settled now. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
I was just chatting to my wee pal Gordon. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
Here, Beth, do you know that if you put ice cubes into Baileys | 0:10:08 | 0:10:13 | |
you don't need to stick your finger in to get the rest of it out? | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
Right, well, shall we do presents now? | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Cos I know you two can't hang around. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
Actually, I was going to ask if it would be all right | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
if we could stay and have our dinner here. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
Oh, I thought you were going to Morven and Lynn's. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Well, we were but...they cancelled. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
Are you doing a pig in a blanket, Beth? | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
Hang on a minute, Christine. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Well, if you want to, you're more than welcome. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
-Aw, thanks, Mum. -As long as you're not a fussy eater, Gordon. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
No, no. Well, I'm a vegetarian. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
What's this? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:43 | |
Ian and Gordon are staying here for their dinner. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
They're... Oh, right, OK. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
SHE HUMS: Jingle Bells | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
-# Jingle all the way... # -GORDON JOINS IN | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
BOTH: # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh | 0:10:56 | 0:11:00 | |
# Hey! | 0:11:00 | 0:11:01 | |
# Jingle bells, jingle bells | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
# Jingle all the way. # | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
You, me, Cathy, Colin, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
Christine, Ian. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
-What about Gordon? -He won't take any. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
-Why not? -He's vegetarian. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
Oh, God. So what we going to give him? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
I don't know! Vegetables. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
-Oh! -Och, it'll be fine - we've got | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
the big Christmas pudding and that'll fill everyone up. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Right, come on, let's do these presents. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
Oh, OK. Right, go on. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
That's your dad's. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Dad, that's for you. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Thanks very much, son. Much appreciated. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
This is where I could start getting all emotional - | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
this should be me and Sophie sat here exchanging presents. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:43 | |
She was so looking forward to it, as well. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
Aw, what did you get her? | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
Two pairs of tights and a big Dairy Milk. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
Right, will we get on with this? | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
-Mrs Baird, that's for you. -Ooh! Oh! | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Oh, I feel bad opening this in front of you, Christine. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
Don't be daft, Beth. You go ahead. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:03 | |
I'm just happy to sit here and watch the surprise on folk's faces | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
when they open them up. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
Oh, I wonder what it is! | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
That'll be perfume. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
It's lovely paper. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:14 | |
I'm telling you, it'll be perfume. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
Christine, don't spoil it. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:17 | |
What is it? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
It's perfume. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Told you! | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
Thanks, Ian. Thanks, Gordon. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
Absolute pleasure. I'm not saying that you stink! | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
Right, come on, Eric. You open yours. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
Come on, Mr Baird, rrr! | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
Listen, you didn't need to bother - I don't need anything. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
It won't be much, Eric. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:40 | |
It'll just be pants that come in a box or a wee tin of posh biscuits. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
-Biscuits. -Told you! | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
Right, Ian, this is from me and your dad. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:55 | |
Wait - I'll get my phone out. I should really be taking photos. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
Oh, here, Gordon, take one of me before I get pished. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
Aw, thanks a lot. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:04 | |
That'll be something to wear. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
-Christine! -Sorry. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
A polo shirt or the likes. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
-Hey! -Sorry, sorry. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
Aw, that's lovely. Do you like it? | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
That's really nice. Ralph Lauren! | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
-Ralph Lauren, aye? -Yeah. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
12.99, TK Maxx. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
Have you got the bag, Colin? | 0:13:28 | 0:13:29 | |
Merry Christmas. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:33 | |
I'm supposed to be skiing. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
What a shame. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Wee Madison's first Christmas | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
and her mum's not even here to give her her presents. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
I was thinking - why don't we...? | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Och, no, no. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
What? | 0:13:54 | 0:13:55 | |
Where's that Santa suit we had? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
MUSIC: Last Christmas by Wham! | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
Who was that? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
It's my mum. I'll call her later. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
How come you're not speaking to her? | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
It's just... | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
..if I speak to her, I'll have to speak to my dad. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
And? | 0:14:20 | 0:14:21 | |
And he'll ask me where I am. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
-And? -Well, he doesn't know. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
He doesn't know you're having Christmas with me? | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
-No, he doesn't know that. -DOORBELL RINGS | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
He also doesn't know I'm gay, to be honest. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
What?! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
BOTH: Merry Christmas. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
-Hi, Cathy. Hi, Colin. -BABY CRIES | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
-CHRISTINE: -That's Madison awake. -Two ticks. In you come. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
-How you feeling? -Fucking gutted, Beth. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
I got new pants. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:48 | |
Hey! | 0:14:50 | 0:14:51 | |
Merry Christmas. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:52 | |
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, everybody. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:56 | |
Merry Christmas. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:57 | |
-Hi, Ian. -Hiya! | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Oh, and you must be Gordon. Look, Colin - Ian and Gordon. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:04 | |
Or is it Gordon and Ian? | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
I suppose it might depend on who's the... | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Merry Christmas, Cathy. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
Oh, merry Christmas, Gordon, honey. Let me just give you a little kiss. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:15 | |
Ah-oh-oh-oh! Peck on the lips. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Peck on the lips, Gordon, just for Christmas. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
That's you. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:25 | |
Merry Christmas, boys. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:29 | |
Merry Christmas! | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
Really different from Jaz, isn't he? | 0:15:31 | 0:15:32 | |
What's your type, Ian - just...anything? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
Yous had a good day, boys? | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
Oh, yes, lovely. Very nice. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
Getting a bit hungry now, mind you. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Ready for our Christmas dinner, you know. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
Oh, aye, I could do with something myself. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
I mean, there's nothing in these pies of hers. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
You having it here as well, are you? | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
Your mum said you were going to a lesbian's house. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
We were, aye, but... | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
Our plans fell through as well. | 0:15:57 | 0:15:58 | |
Oh, no. What happened? | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
We were supposed to be skiing | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
in a five-star resort just outside Chernobyl, Gordon. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
Grenoble. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:07 | |
Yes, but the French Air Traffic fuckers fucking fucked us, Gordon. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:11 | |
Is this your first time here, is it, Gordon? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
It is, yeah. I'm the new boy! | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
Aye, very good. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
And where did the pair of you meet - | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
was it online or was it, like, in a park? | 0:16:20 | 0:16:25 | |
-BABY MURMURS -Here she is. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
ALL EXCLAIM | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Christine, that's Madison down now. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
-Has she been changed? -Yes. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
All right. Just keep your eye on her for me, then, please. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
What a shame Sophie's not back. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
I know. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:43 | |
How is Madison? Is she all right? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
She shat in the bath. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
Well, never mind that, cos we've got a nice surprise for you. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:54 | |
Is it a turkey? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:55 | |
Wait and I'll see if he's ready. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Oh, is that something I can hear on the roof? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:04 | |
Is it reindeer? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:05 | |
Is she half cut already? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
We're ready for you now! | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
Ho, ho, ho. Santa's here. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
Oh, good god. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:16 | |
-Merry Christmas! -What's this? | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
Oh, it was your dad's idea for Madison, | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
seeing as Sophie can't be here. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
Oh, look, Madison, who's this? | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
Hello, Madison. Have you been a good girl? Have you, Madison? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:31 | |
-COLIN: -Eric! | 0:17:31 | 0:17:32 | |
-Have you been a... -Eric! -..good girl? | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
Eric! That's a bit threatening, that, Eric. I'd pitch it up a bit. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
Aw, she's still a bit sleepy. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Hold on. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:43 | |
TOY SQUEAKS | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
That's her now. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
Right, well, you sit down here, Santa, | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
and give Madison all her presents. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:54 | |
Beth, Beth, could I just nip out for a cigarette while this is happening? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
No. That's OK! | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
There we go! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:02 | |
Look at the beard. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
What happened to your beard, Santa? | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
Oh, don't ask. Her pal, Pat. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
What is it? | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
That's the same suit that Pat was wearing | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
-when she set fire to herself. -She what?! | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Well, she tried to light a fag and the whole beard went up in flames. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
Oh, for God's sake. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
It's the flame on that lighter of hers. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
It's like a blowtorch. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
Honest to God, when she whips that out at the bus stop, | 0:18:26 | 0:18:30 | |
you don't know whether she's going to light a fag or fix the pavement. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:34 | |
Are you all right, sweetheart, eh? | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
-ALL: -Aw. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Oh, Santa, you must be tired after your journey | 0:18:38 | 0:18:42 | |
all the way from the North Pole, hmm? | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
I hope you didn't give out any presents to | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
anyone in France on the way, | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
-because they are off the list. -Cathy! | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
Right, here you go, Santa, here's the first one. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
Col, Beth's an elf. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
And who's this from? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
-This is from us. -All right. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
Aw, let's see. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
Aw, that's nice, Beth. Oh, she loves elephants. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:11 | |
They love them in China, too. The tusks. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
They put it in the cups of tea in the brothels. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
Here's one from us - that's from me and Gordon. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:23 | |
Oh, look at the card! Look, Christine, | 0:19:23 | 0:19:28 | |
there's a wee robin on it. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
-Is it cash or a voucher? -Voucher. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
SHE TUTS | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Right, so is that us all done? | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Erm... | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
Oh, don't worry, don't worry. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:42 | |
No, no, no, no! Colin, where's the, er...? Where's the bag? | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
-Mmm? -The bag with the pressies in it. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
-Oh, er... -Oh, here it is. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
Right, er, let's see what we've got. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Boy, oh, boy, let's see what we've got for you. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
Now, I'm afraid I haven't had time to wrap it, but it is... | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
A beautiful bottle of tonic. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
OK, we're nearly ready. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
-It's a wee bit... -Don't! | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Look, are you wanting me to open a tin of beans - | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
just fill the plates out a bit? | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
I am not serving beans with Christmas dinner, Eric! | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
We've got loads of sprouts | 0:20:25 | 0:20:26 | |
and that big Christmas pudding for afters - we'll be fine. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
All right, Christine? | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Aye, fine, Beth. Is that us nearly ready for getting our dinner, then? | 0:20:32 | 0:20:36 | |
Yes. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:37 | |
Oh, I WILL go just now, then. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
SHE HUMS: O Christmas Tree | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
So, you not with the family today, Gordon? | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
No, no. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
Where are you from, Gordon? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
Yorkshire. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
-Hmm? -Near Manchester, the airport where we fly to Dubai from. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:54 | |
Oh, right. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:55 | |
You'll be giving your folks a wee ring at some point, no? | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Colin called his dad earlier to wish him merry Christmas. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
Well, I left a message with one of the nurses. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
Aw, look! Oh, Colin, look. Isn't she sweet? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
-SPLASHING -Oh! | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
Pass me a wipe out my bag. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:09 | |
Right, folks, shift your bums up to the table - food's nearly ready. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
Two ticks. Gordon's going to phone his mum first. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
Oh, I'll do it later. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
No, the food's not out yet - you're fine. Go on. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
Oh, crackers! I love crackers. Come on, Ian, let's do one. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:27 | |
That is shit. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
Beth, your crackers are shit! | 0:21:32 | 0:21:33 | |
Hello! | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
Oh, hiya, Dad. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
Yeah, merry Christmas. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:45 | |
I'm good, yeah. Uh-huh. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
That's lovely loo roll with the holly on it, Eric. Very Christmassy. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:54 | |
Christine, Gordon's dad's on the phone. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Oh, well, just a quick word, then. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
Merry Christmas. It's Christine here. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
Christine. I live next door to Ian's mum. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
What do you mean, "Who's Ian?" | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
Ian - Gordon's boyf... | 0:22:11 | 0:22:12 | |
I'll just pass you back. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
Okey dokey. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
Here we go! I tell you what - I am ravenous. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
Me too - it's all that running about after the wee one. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
OK, that's us, folks. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
THEY CHEER I'm ready for this, I tell you! | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
-Woohoo! -There you are. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
What's this? | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
It's Christmas dinner, Christine. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:57 | |
It looks like a wee plate of leftovers | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
you'd put out for the birds. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
We only thought it was going to be the two of us. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
It's fine - we always eat too much anyway. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
No chance of that the day. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
There's a big Christmas pudding in there for after. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
It looks lovely. Isn't the main thing that we're all here together? | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
-All right? -Yeah, fine. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:22 | |
Right, now, who would like gravy? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
-Yes. -What's she serving that in - a thimble? | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
Bon appetit! | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
What? | 0:23:35 | 0:23:36 | |
It's French for "enjoy your..." | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
Well, it's maybe not the biggest, but it's absolutely delicious. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:56 | |
Ach, it's a shame Sophie's not here. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
Will she get Christmas dinner over there? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Nup. A ham baguette, a strawberry yogurt | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
and a bit of Ryanair shortbread. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:08 | |
God, that's a nightmare. I feel so sorry for her. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
-She's not the only one who's had her Christmas ruined. -Sorry? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
I'm just saying, Sophie's not the only one who has had her | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
-Christmas turned upside down. -You're not wrong there. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
I should be up a mountain right now. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
Like, a proper mountain, with a bar at the top | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
and a medical centre in case you break your leg | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
or your lips go all...dry. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
A-and snow that's properly white, not like the stuff we get here | 0:24:32 | 0:24:38 | |
that just goes brown and disappears. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
This is the worst Christmas I think I've honestly ever had. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
Now, look, Cathy... | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
All right, Cath, all right. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
Look, there's something I arranged - | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
a wee surprise that I was gonnae show you while we were away, but... | 0:24:51 | 0:24:55 | |
..it might be all right now. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
Let's go outside. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:02 | |
Come on, everyone. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
Come and see what I got Cathy for Christmas. Come on, grab your coats. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
-ERIC: What's he on about? GORDON: -What's this? | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
-Chilly, isn't it? -Well, there's nothing here. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
It's not out here - it's up there. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
-What? -Look up there! | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
-CHRISTINE: -I cannae see anything. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
I have bought you a star. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
-No! -Aye! | 0:25:31 | 0:25:32 | |
I've adopted a star and it's named after you. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Col. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
Beth, I've got a star named after me. What one is it? | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
Well, er... | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
See that... See that big one there? | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
Oh, wow! | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
Well, next to that, there's a weer one. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
Uh-huh. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
And to the left of that, just down a bit. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:58 | |
-That one? -What one? | 0:25:59 | 0:26:00 | |
-The one in between the two that are close together. -No, down a bit. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
Right. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
So, what did he say? | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
Oh, not much. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:09 | |
He was going to find out sooner or later. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
Was he all right about it? | 0:26:13 | 0:26:14 | |
-Not too bad. -That's good. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
I'm glad. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:18 | |
Must be a weight off your mind. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Are you still going to go down and see them at New Year? | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
No. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
Not a cloud in the sky, eh, Beth? | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
I know. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
Makes you think, doesn't it? | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
Yes, it does. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
Makes you think... | 0:26:34 | 0:26:35 | |
..there are worse places to live than this, eh? | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
Oh, I see it, I see it! Look! | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
What did you call it? | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
Cathy. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:46 | |
Oh! | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
Beth, look! That's me. That's my star! I'm a star, in the sky! | 0:26:49 | 0:26:56 | |
Fuck this. I'm wanting my pudding. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
Come here, you. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
Merry Christmas. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
I mean, Gordon, all right, | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
Sophie didnae make it home, we've had fuck all to eat | 0:27:18 | 0:27:22 | |
and Madison got a bottle of tonic water for her Christmas, | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
but in the grand scheme of things, could've been a lot worse, eh? | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
Yeah. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
OK, who fancies Christmas pudding? | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
-Me! -Oh, yes! | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
Make some space. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
That's it. Move that there. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
Here it comes! | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
Ho, ho, ho! | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
Here he is - Santa Eric! | 0:27:52 | 0:27:56 | |
-SHE CHANTS: -Santa Claus, Santa Claus! | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
Are you ready? | 0:27:59 | 0:28:00 | |
ALL: Yes! | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
ALL: Ooh! | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
THEY YELL | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
# Who's got a beard that's long and white? | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
# Santa's got a beard that's long and white | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
# Who comes round on a special night? | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
# Santa comes round on a special night | 0:28:14 | 0:28:15 | |
# Special night, beard that's white | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
# Must be Santa, must be Santa | 0:28:17 | 0:28:20 | |
# Must be Santa, Santa Claus | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
# Who wears boots and a suit of red? | 0:28:26 | 0:28:27 | |
# Santa wears boots and a suit of red | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
# Who wears a long cap on his head? | 0:28:29 | 0:28:31 | |
# Santa wears a long cap on his head | 0:28:31 | 0:28:33 | |
# Cap on head, suit that's red | 0:28:33 | 0:28:34 | |
# Special night, beard that's white. # | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 |