Father's Day Uncle

Andy King, thank you for taking the time to chat with us.

Pleasure, Imogen. Long-time reader and fan.

You've had quite the fairy-tale year.

I mean, one minute, you're busking,

your demo's getting rejected and rejected.

-A loser, if you don't mind me saying.

-Hey, truth is truth.

And then, on a whim, you do this song contest.

Last Place Hero gets noticed by Marsh Healy at Portal Records,

and the rest is history.

I mean, you topped the BBC Sound Of 2016 list,

your album's getting five-star reviews,

you're tipped for a Mercury nom' -

I mean, you must feel like you're dreaming.

It just goes to show

that if you stick to making the music you believe in

and don't lose sight of your priorities,

then good things can happen.

I was talking to Yusuf the other day...

-Yusuf?

-Yusuf Islam? You know, Cat Stevens.

Anyway, me and Suf were chatting about artistic integrity

and how it doesn't matter if you're playing to a packed-out crowd

or a deaf dog, it's got to be for you, you know?

That is really going to resonate with our readers.

So, we like to throw in a couple of silly questions at the end,

just for fun. So, what are your upcoming plans for Father's Day?

None, really. I mean, my old man, he lives in Spain.

I'll probably give him a bell.

At least I won't be asking him for money this year!

Actually, I was talking about your son.

I...

I don't have any children.

But my songs... My songs are like children.

I've got a nerdy nephew, if that counts.

Really? Because our researcher found a birth certificate

from over a year ago proving that you fathered a child

with Teresa Connor, the disgraced Parliamentary lawyer.

Recently went through a messy public divorce.

Remember? It was all over the Daily Fail,

so we know that you have a child,

a little boy that you've never had the decency to contact.

What do you have to say to that, Andy King?

Well, well... We're all waiting.

This should be good.

HE SCREAMS

# What I feel

# I can't say

# But my love is there for you

# Any time of day

# But if it's not love

# That you need

# Then I'll try my best to make... #

That is communal orange juice.

You can't be putting your mouth all over it like that.

You're right, I should probably stick a bit of tongue in too.

Does everything have to be an innuendo with you?

Haven't you heard? I'm the innuendo champ.

I had to BEAT OFF some pretty STIFF competition.

Hashtag dad jokes.

It's not a dad joke. I'm not even old enough to be a dad.

Even I'm old enough to be a dad, technically.

What are you doing up this early, anyway?

Got an interview with a record company today, don't I?

-What one? Guinness Worlds?

-Portal Records, actually.

They're sort of a big deal, run by Marshall Healy.

Oh, Bruce and his old filters.

-So, are you still having those nightmares?

-What nightmares?

The ones that you wake up from every day, screaming?

That's just cramp. I probably need more...potassium.

Anyway, I need you to sign for a package

that's going to be delivered when I'm out.

Sorry, I've blocked out my day for reading.

No interruptions.

Yeah, reading(!)

Those nightmares haven't got anything to do with Melody, do they?

Melody? Haven't thought about her in ages.

Then why are you constantly checking her Instagram?

Oh, I am so late for work.

You're up early. Is it the nightmares?

Oh, shit, I forgot my phone. Munchkin, can you get it for me?

-It's by the bed.

-I'm 15 now, Mum.

Why do I still have to get your things?

When you were born, there wasn't time for an epidural,

so you owe me forever.

Can you fix Roly for me?

He's in a shit mood and I can't handle him right now

because Bruce has baby fever and it is freaking me out.

I hear you. You're a professional milf with a gawky teen.

You haven't got time for nappies and burping.

I mean, look at the Pope.

He wouldn't be Poping if he had a baby Bjorn slung over his shoulder.

Some people have a higher calling.

Exactly. My career's just taking off.

I'm finally free for yoga and book club.

Plus, you've already got two rotten kids between you.

-Why does he want more?

-With Father's Day this weekend,

I guess it's weighing on him that he doesn't have any biological children

to propagate his seed.

Men and their egos, right?

My jingle's about to come on the radio.

HEAVY METAL: # Come on down to the carpet superstore

# Buy a new rug and cover your ugly floor

# The selection's tops and the deals don't stop

# Jackpot for moths We've got the lot

# There ain't no others You get the druthers

# Come on down to

# Carpet Brothers. #

Did you see how I rhymed druthers with brothers?

Oh, genius.

So, now that you're getting paid for these radio spots,

and your home studio is up and running,

I guess I'm finally going to start seeing some rent money, right?

Right. Well, almost.

I am still paying back Val, but as soon as I've done that...

Ah. Thanks, sweetie. Can you set the table for breakfast?

Morning, gang. Hey, Roly,

have you heard about this new antibiotic thing?

Discovered in dirt.

Teixobactin. That's old news.

Errol, you didn't set Bruce a place.

Oh, it's... It's cool. I'm going to just grab an apple anyway.

I'll leave you guys to it. Thanks for my lunch.

-Bye.

-Andy, you're up early.

Nightmares?

I need you to sign for a package while I'm out.

Sure thing. I'm going to be in the garden, building the shed,

but I should hear the doorbell.

Roly, want to come help me build the man cave?

I think I'll give your gender-specific cave a miss, thanks.

Hey, you know, Tiff's here for Father's Day weekend.

Fancy coming to the Polish bakery festival?

-You can never have too many hot buns.

-I have a wheat allergy.

Duh! Nice one, Bruce(!)

Well, if you change your mind re the person cave,

you know where to find me.

Will you cut him some slack?

He's not trying to be your dad, he's trying to be your mate.

What, a grown man trying to be mates? That's a bit creepy.

-Is this because he's banging your mum?

-Don't go all Oedipal on me.

I can think of plenty of non-Freudian reasons.

So, you'd be absolutely fine

if I listed all of their favourite sexual positions?

I'm a scientist.

Let's see, there's missionary, doggy, cowgirl,

reverse cowgirl, sporking - that's a spooning/forking combo -

crouching tiger, squat-thruster,

nut-buster, wheelbarrow, the piledriver...

I think I'm going to get to my reading now.

Yeah, mate. "Reading."

PHONE RINGING

Marsh? Mr King for you.

Hm.

Music.

Love it.

Songwriting.

-Yep.

-Songwriters.

-Yes.

-Commerce.

HE CHUCKLES

What's funny?

That song you did with the bird.

Last Place Hero, right?

Wasn't total shit, for pop crap.

Thank you.

And, and... And my other stuff?

Hold my sack.

The bag.

NTL - heard of them?

National Train Line?

Not The Living - boyband.

Signed them last year. The single's charting,

but I need hits for the album.

Songwriters with an ear for

catchy pop crap.

Er... Thanks, but I'm more of a writer/performer.

Last Place Hero's your best song. You don't sing on it.

Yeah, I had the flu that day.

Should have got the jab.

Look, I can't package you.

Your age, all this.

Be a shame to waste what you've got.

You could be useful behind the board, make some money.

You got kids?

-No.

-Well...

You might do one day. So, why don't you think about what I said?

Shit! Roly...

-Come to join the party?

-No.

-Oh.

-Doing some light reading, then?

-The Death Conundrum.

-Sounds...

..fun. Any cool quotes?

"Life is the mouth of death's anus."

I hear you and Mum have been talking about having another kid.

-So, she told you, then?

-No, you just did.

Your internet history was rather illuminating.

Aphrodisiacs, primary school catchments, sperm enhancers -

not very subtle, Bruce.

Are you aware that the population is growing exponentially,

with dwindling resources?

Soon, we'll be living in a cyber slum,

being sorted into naff personality groups

like one of those dystopian novels Tiff's always reading.

We're just toying with the idea.

Speaking of toying,

there were some interesting purchase links in your history too.

What is a Pocket Dazzler? And does Mum know you have one?

OK, Roly, I'm not really too comfortable talking to you about...

Good chatting.

Oh, I reached out to Bruce. No-one can say I didn't try.

-How was the interview?

-They want me to write and produce.

Oh, great.

For a boyband.

-Oh...

-Exactly.

-I'm not doing it.

-Money's money.

Plenty of respectable artists, and Ed Sheeran, write for boybands.

Just for a pay cheque?

I mean, that's not living, that's surviving.

There's something else, though, isn't there?

Have you lost something up your bum?

Oh, no. I've seen those X-rays on Embarrassing Bodies.

Was it a Sharpie? A battery?

Was it an AA? Please, don't tell me it was a nine-volt.

Do you remember your 14th birthday?

Oh, you mean when my father announced

that he was marrying Veronica,

and my mother announced she was moving in with Bruce?

Well, I had some bad news too.

You got kicked out of your flat and Melody moved to New York.

-Worse.

-She moved to Scunthorpe?

Teresa's pregnant. Well, she was.

But that was, like, a year and a half ago.

So what's that? That's 12 months plus six months...

-Wait a minute.

-Minus nine months.

-You mean...?

-Nine months old.

-You're a father?

No! Of course not.

Well, maybe.

I mean, it's not like she had a paternity test or anything,

so it could be anyone's, you know. Postman, milkman, Ocado.

Even if it is mine, which it's not,

she never even asked me if I wanted to keep it.

-It's not really your call, is it?

-No, obviously,

but it would've been nice to at least have been kept in the loop.

-With the child that's definitely not yours?

-Right.

Is it a boy or a girl?

I don't know. I haven't talked to her since your party.

You haven't spoken to her about your child in a year and a half?

She wouldn't answer any of my texts

after I ignored her calls for two months.

You've got to go and see that baby now.

No! They're coming to deliver the package later,

and I'm not missing it a second time.

You've already missed the most important package there is.

Let me think about it.

Oh, what's Bruce made you today?

It's bresaola and brie on rye.

You've hit the jackpot there. Stan's never even peeled me a Babybel.

I think he's just fattening me up for the apocalypse

so he's got someone to eat. Do you want some?

-I've got loads.

-I'd love to. I can't eat soft cheese at the moment.

-Why, are you knocked up?

-I'm not supposed to say anything

for another week, but... Yeah, I'm preggers.

Is my hearing acting up?

-Are you pregnant, Martha?

-Guilty as charged.

Remember this time. Best is when they're little.

-No way, I'm not falling for it.

-Please, just come up to the house.

I need to show you something.

I told you, I'm not moving till my package arrives.

We can put a sign on the door. It'll only take two minutes, I promise,

and it's something you love.

If it's that photo of Serena Williams doing the splits,

then I'm way ahead of you.

Shell... What are you doing here?

Relax. Errol explained everything.

You're writing a song about parenthood and you needed research.

-I think it's cool.

-Yeah, yeah, it is.

So, is that your baby?

No, I found him in Waitrose.

Yes, it's my baby.

This is Ethan. He's 18 months.

Why don't people just say a year and a half?

I mean, you don't catch me going I'm...

-412 months.

-412 months.

Yeah, I was a cynic too.

I mean, after being a children's entertainer,

I never wanted to see another kid again,

but this primal instinct takes over.

-It obviously suits you. You look great.

-Thanks.

Do you remember how crazy I was before?

I'm... I'm scared to answer that question.

Ha-ha(!) I just mean I thought I'd go proper bonkers postnatal,

but it's actually balanced me out.

Or maybe I have something bigger to worry about than myself, you know?

I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a puke and shit machine,

and when he came out, he practically ripped my vagina in two, but...

No, don't worry, it's... it's fine now.

Good, good.

What qualities would you say make a great father?

Someone who's patient, prioritises others' needs before his own,

a provider, a protector, and willing to do late-night feeds.

And what if he forgets to feed the baby?

-He doesn't forget.

-Well, what if he is in the pub with his mates?

-You don't have any mates.

-Well, what about going to the bathroom?

Think of your baby like an iPhone. It goes everywhere you go.

I'll try not to lose him down the back seat of a cab.

What if I am writing some music, baby won't stop crying,

so I slip him a little night-time cold medicine?

Boom! Out like a light, takes the edge off things.

Oh, it's a good job you're not a dad.

I could be a dad. Kids love me.

PHONE VIBRATES

Shit, it's my boss.

-Here, take him.

-I shouldn't, I've just had lunch.

It's not like swimming. You don't have to wait two hours.

That's a myth, by the way.

Well, talk to him.

Erm...

Hello. My name's Andy.

What's your name?

What, are you just going to stare at my tits?

-Language.

-He can't understand.

Hey, you can say anything you want, can't you?

# Tits and bums and dicks and pricks gently down the stream... #

Why don't you try playing peekaboo?

-That's a game children love, isn't it?

-Oh, do they, spaceman?

Let me show you how it's done.

Peekaboo. Peekaboo.

-Peekaboo.

-You're not doing it right, you know that?

It's more like...peekaboo!

HE WAILS

-Oh...

-What's going on?

Ssh, it's OK.

What's going on in here?

Hey-hey-hey, who's this little fella?

-It's Ethan.

-Ethan?

I'm done with the baby stuff, so don't even try.

That's not why I'm here. No, you missed your package again.

What? But I've waited in all afternoon.

It's all right, we can collect it from the depot.

I don't get it, this doesn't even look like the sort of place

-where there would even be a depot.

-Andy!

-Shit, that's Tom. I went to uni with him.

-Yeah, I know.

I thought it might be good to get the dad perspective from up here.

So I used your Facebook to contact an old friend.

-How did you even get my password?

-Password 1234.

Hardly requires the Enigma machine.

-What about this?

-Photoshop.

You horrible little Gollum, that is the last time I ever...

Hey, Tom!

-Old friend!

-King Andy.

Bring it in, my liege.

It's great seeing you, man. And, Errol,

I can't believe how big you've got. I remember the day you were born.

Me and your uncle bunked off lectures and, boy, did we celebrate!

You celebrated when I was born?

Yeah, but, I mean, we used to celebrate when Countdown was on.

One bong rip for every vowel.

-Good times.

-What happened to us?

Well, you got with Nancy,

got married and then came the break-up speech.

What break-up speech?

You know, mate takes you to a pub lunch, shows you the scan,

you pretend to be happy and then comes the speech, "Look, man,

"I promise you this baby ain't going to come between us.

"We're still going to hang out and get wasted and go to gigs,

"I'm not going to be one of them lame-mo dads, it's just a baby."

-And then you never hear from them again.

-Yeah, sorry about that.

You don't realise how much work it's going to be.

Everything else just...drops away.

-But do you know what?

-What?

It's worth it, because kids give your life unimaginable meaning?

-Pretty much.

-See, Uncle Andy?

-It might suit you.

-Exactly.

You don't lose your cool card just because you become a dad.

Look at Keith Richards, Beckham, Obama.

But you know the greatest part?

It's like growing your own best friend, you can teach them anything.

Bailey? Over here.

-Who's a ledge?

-Dad is!

Who's better? Blur or Oasis?

They both suck!

-What's your favourite game?

-Grand Theft Auto, duh!

Attagirl. Bring it in.

You have a go, ask her anything.

What's your favourite food?

Curry and a pint, obvs.

What do you think about Brexit?

-Dad?

-At ease, soldier. Off you go.

See? Kids are awesome.

If you had one, we could hang out all the time,

just like the old days.

Yeah, about that, I actually... PHONE DINGS

Shit, I've got to jet, Bailey's got her Mandarin class.

Oh, so she can do business in China, when she's older?

-Clever.

-No, it's so she can watch Bruce Lee movies

without the subtitles.

How cool is that? Bailey?

Let's do this again.

-It is not!

-It is, too!

It's my body, my choice.

I know, sweetie, I just don't want to see you make a big mistake

that you can't take back. It's for life.

Gwen? Are you up the duff?

Don't be stupid. I'm getting another tattoo, but Dad says I can't.

I didn't say you couldn't, I said don't get a shit one.

It's not shit!

They are backpacking across Asia next month.

She wants to get "I love Casper" tattooed on her neck in Thai.

BOTH GROAN

Thank you!

See? It's a dumb idea.

Not to mention cultural appropriation.

Yeah, come on, Gwen,

you know they always tattoo rando swearwords on drunk Brits.

You're one to talk, "Will you go out with me, Dolores?"

And as much as I love Casper, what happens if you break up?

Need I remind you...

Who cares if it lasts?

I am watermarking my life.

You're all just jealous you're not in love.

Never have kids.

Right, so, that's 150, which leaves 600 remaining.

Oh, shit jingles are really paying off.

Your approval means a lot.

Do you think she'll listen to you on the whole tattoo thing?

Does she ever? It's OK,

I'll squirrel a little into a fund for laser removal and she'll kiss me

and call me a genius.

Can I ask you something?

Did you know you were ready to be a dad?

I swore I would never be one.

I didn't want anyone to inherit my dad's genes.

When Stella told me she was pregnant,

I begged her to get rid of it, but when Gwen arrived...

You realised she was the greatest mistake of your life?

No, that's when the real nightmare began.

Before they're born, you're just praying for ten fingers and toes.

It's up to the gods. But once they're out, it's up to you.

Every decision counts.

Give them the wrong name, they're the school joke.

Mary? Hairy Mary.

Elizabeth?

Jizzy Lizzie.

It's like you're being given a lit candle

and there's a hurricane coming.

Every moment you're convinced you're causing irreparable damage,

and the truth is...

..you are.

And then, when they're old enough to drive, to date,

to leave home, all you do is worry.

She fills my life with meaning and terror.

It's the curse that keeps giving.

And you know the best I can hope for?

-Grandkids?

-That I die before her.

Still, I wouldn't trade it for a second.

Oh, if I tell her you talked me into that tattoo,

she definitely won't get it done, just to spite you.

I'm brilliant.

So, what did you and Val chat about?

Make-up tips and stuff.

Listen, I think it's best I leave Teresa and the baby alone,

they're better off without me.

Uncle Andy, if you don't do this now,

the kid's going to turn up at your doorstep someday like, "Dad,

"I never knew you, and now I'm really mental."

I can't have a kid, I haven't got any money.

You already have a baby.

And you were offered a good job.

-No way, I'm not selling out.

-You make radio jingles.

And you produce demos for people you loathe.

This can't be any worse.

You can write pop tunes in your sleep, and if it all goes well,

then you'll have a platform to go solo.

Seasick Steve didn't release his first album

until he was in his sixties

-and do you know what he did before that?

-Drugs?

He wrote and produced.

Just like Kanye and Carole King.

Fine, I'll do it.

On one condition.

Sorry, Marsh, I tried to stop them.

I'll take the gig.

-OK.

-He has conditions, though.

-Who are you?

-He's my condition.

Well, he's my nephew.

He's my co-writer. I can't do the pop crap without him.

-Can you sing?

-No, he's rubbish.

So, have we got a deal?

Sure, OK.

What brought you round?

-Do you think it'll be a boy or a girl?

-Boys can wear pink.

Girls can wear blue.

We'll only be free once we finally defeat the hegemonic patriarchy

of enforced masculinity.

Uh-huh. Red it is.

I think I'd love a little pal.

We'll just chill out,

eating rusks while Daddy gets buzzed watching CBeebies.

But CBeebies is our thing.

Look, man, I want you to know that nothing is going to come between us,

we'll still hang out like we always do.

Nothing's going to change, it's just a baby.

Yeah, yeah. I could probably be a great first cousin,

I could teach them how to prepare a microscope slide

and the proper way to dispose of light bulbs.

And Mozart's full name,

Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.

It's all about family.

If we all open up our hearts, there's enough love for everyone.

I've got to go.

I'll see you at the house.

Good luck.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

TILL BEEPS

Do you want this gift-wrapped?

-Is it for a friend's shower?

-No, it's for...

..MY baby.

# Maybe, baby

# You're gonna cut like a knife

# Maybe, baby

# You're gonna light up my life

# Maybe you'll be my son or you'll be my daughter

# I'll protect you through hail, rains, winds, fog and high water

# If you just take my hand, we can walk through this land

# And I'll help you to build all your dreams in sand

# Sometimes, sunshine

# You're gonna brighten my days

# Wake me, shake me

# I'm gonna bask in your rays

# You'll be my kid and I'll be your dad

# Come dry your eyes every time you are sad

# You'll follow me blindly and obey my command

# You'll fetch me my beers with your small baby hand

# They can lock me away and throw away the key

# Cos if love is a crime then I'm pleading guilty

# When the meteors strike and the land turns to dust

# I'll still love you, my child

# On my love you can trust

# I'll be one step behind cos my love never stops

# You'll be right on my mind

# Kid, I think you are tops

# Maybe, baby

# You're gonna light up my life. #

Hi.

Wait! I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now.

You think you can just waltz up here,

after disappearing for over a year?

I called and called.

I couldn't handle the responsibility.

I was cowardly and selfish.

And I know I've got a lot of making up to do, but...

..I've sorted out my priorities.

I'm ready to be a father to our child.

And, don't worry, I won't ask to try your breast milk.

Unless you insist. I want to do this 50/50.

I've even got myself a sell-out job.

And I can teach the kid to be cool and teach it the guitar

and the air guitar and you can teach the kid to be,

you know, classy and put it in the posh school.

And they can have friends with names like Sebastian and...

and Raspberry.

And I'm not expecting us to be a couple, but I'll be there for you,

you know, whatever you need. Whatever you both need.

I got rid of it.

You mean...

..you put it up for adoption?

An abortion, Andy. I had an abortion.

Because I didn't call?

You...

You got rid of it cos of me?

Because of me.

I'm perimenopausal, I'm on statins and HRT, I smoke, I drink.

The scans found abnormalities.

It's just as well. I don't think either of us was really up to it,

were we?

I'm too old and you're too...

..you know.

Would you like to come in for a tea?

I should probably get going.

What's in the bag?

Nothing.

It's good to see you, Teresa.

Bruce, are you home?

I'm ready to work on the man cave now.

HAMMERING

-Oh. Hey, Roly.

-You finished it already?

Well, I had some help from the master builder here.

-What do you think?

-Nice job, Gibson.

-Huh?

We added a special touch, just for you.

I'm going to go get a picture.

-Weren't you meant to be helping Bruce?

-Yeah.

You know, I thought he was a dork when he first moved in with my mum.

And what about now?

I mean, he's still a dork, but he's my dork.

Good thing I've got my selfie stick.

# Maybe, baby

# You're gonna cut like a knife... #

Well, hello there, Mr Dad.

-How did it go?

-She never had the baby.

Oh, that sucks.

Are you kidding? It's amazing news.

I mean, I dodged a bullet there.

Can you imagine me being a dad?

Can a dad do this?

HE BURPS

Probably for the best, yeah.

Your package arrived.

Are you going to tell me what's in it, then?

-I was just stocking up on plectrums.

-Plectrum?

I hardly knew him!

-Good one.

-Mm.

-Do you want to watch some CBeebies?

-Maybe later.

Just as well, because I've got some reading to catch up on, anyway.

Oh, thank Christ, you've done the shopping.

-Did you get the OJ?

-Yeah, and I got you your own,

so you can stop stealing ours, shithead.

How was Roly? Did you talk about Bruce?

Yeah, we covered the whole dad thing.

So, I think I am going to try for a baby.

What about the career and the book club?

Screw book club, we're reading Wolf Hall.

But that's already a TV show!

I know, that's what I said.

Anyway, I'd just really like to raise a little grub

with Bruce that's ours. You don't think I'm crazy, do you?

No, we need some fresh blood in this clan.

Are you staying for dinner? We're having spag bol.

No, I've got work to do.

Everyone, dinner's ready!

Hey, Tiff, how was your week?

Mum started talking about getting a dog.

-Wouldn't you like a pooch?

-There's enough crazy in this family

without bringing an innocent life into it.

Hey, Bruce, you know there's a gluten-free section

at the Polish bakery festival?

-We should definitely check it out when we go.

-We?

I mean, yeah.

Hey, did you know there are over 500 species of yeast

but within a single species,

there can be literally thousands of genetically distinct strains?

-That's pretty cool.

-Dorks.

MUSIC: Father And Son by Cat Stevens

# It's not time to make a change

# Just relax, take it easy

# You're still young, that's your fault

# There's so much you have to know

# Find a girl, settle down

# If you want you can marry

# Look at me, I am old

# But I'm happy

# I was once like you are now

# And I know that it's not easy

# To be calm when you've found something going on... #