The Apparel Proclaims The Man Upstart Crow


The Apparel Proclaims The Man

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Well, Kit, not so dusty, eh? Things are looking up for me and no mistake.

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Already I have not one but three plays in Burbage's repertoire.

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And what's more, they are all called Henry VI.

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Which must surely be some sort of record.

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No doubt about it, Will,

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you're absolutely ripping London theatre a new arsington. Big respect, cuz.

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Feels good. Can't deny. And there's more.

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See here, I have an invitation to Lord Southampton's saucy prancings.

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Think of it.

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Me, a Stratford bum-shankle,

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a-hobbing and a-nobbing with the cock-snobbled folderols.

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Hell of a step up for you. And one in the eye for Robert Greene.

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Him and his varsity wits think the Southampton prancings

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their own private literary salon. Tch!

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He's going to crap a dead cat when he hears you've been invited!

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Which is, of course, brilliant. I salute you.

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-Thanks, mate.

-Mind you, not sure about this teenage romance thing

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you've been banging on about.

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I'm not going to lie.

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Sounds lame.

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Same. I think it's wet.

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I love it.

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Well, as it happens, I've decided to shelve Romeo for now.

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I need a guaranteed smash to cement my reputation and, sadly,

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lovey-dovey smoochy-woochy just ain't going to cut it.

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Yeah, you got that right. The plebs want violence and murder.

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Of course we do!

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So this morning I knocked out a really satisfying Richard III.

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Oh...

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Bit too much information, Will.

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I mean, why do we need to know?

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-It's a play.

-Oh, right.

-Oh!

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Even Richard must wait,

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because the one I'm really pleased with is my big new Jew play.

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Oh, yes!

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Love a Jew play! No chance you'll give it to me, I suppose?

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No, Kit, I'm afraid not.

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Come on, it's just the sort of thing I should be writing.

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-Then why don't you?

-You know why.

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Ah, of course. Your other job.

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Hunting Catholics for Walsingham's torture chamber.

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Defending the one true, pure and divine faith.

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This being the one true, pure and divine faith that Henry VIII basically invented

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so that he could dump his missus and have it away with bonker Boleyn?

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Yes, that's the one.

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A romance so spiritually true, pure and divine

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that it went from rumpy-pumpy lovey-dovey

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to choppy-woppy heady-deady

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in just three years.

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I don't make the rules, Will.

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Well, I'm sorry, but you can't have my Jew play.

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I'm on a roll and it's my time to shine.

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Fine. Can't really blame you, I suppose.

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I'm off to the bawdy house for a quaff and a roger.

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Pretty hose, Mr Marlowe.

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Very trendy.

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ENGLISH ACCENT: Tres joli, monsieur.

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Italian. Latest thing.

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Gosh, I envy you, Kit.

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I could never carry off tights like that.

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-I'm afraid they just wear me.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous. You've just got to strut!

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-Oh!

-That's all.

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You're too apologetic. Just get out there and show the world

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-that you don't give a damn. Hey!

-Oh!

-I love you loads.

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Easy for him to say.

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The problem is, I do give a damn.

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I crave approval and people sense that in me.

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It's true. You're very needy.

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Not needy. Just nice.

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People don't like nice. They look upon it as weakness.

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I want to be liked, and so for some

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dark reason located deep in the human soul,

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people are less inclined to like me.

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-HE WHISTLES

-Feet!

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Marlowe, on the other hand, doesn't give a tosslington,

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-so everyone wants to be his mate.

-I'm just like you, Mr Shakespeare.

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Girls used to call me a try-hard because I wanted to make friends.

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But the more I tried, the more they'd pull my hair

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and stab me with their knitting needles.

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But, in the end, I made three great pals.

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Latin, Greek...

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and mathematics.

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A good lesson for all us farts and try-hards, Kate.

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What we lack in easy charm we must

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make up for with talent and hard work.

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And mine is finally paying off!

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I have my big new Jew play ready for Burbage.

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And an invitation to Southampton's prancings

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in the pocket of my puffling pants.

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Even Robert Greene, who doth hate my gutlings,

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must now admit I am the coming man.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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William Shakespeare.

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Curse him for an oafish country bum-snot.

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Already are his first three Henrys hits,

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whilst mine own sublime Friar Bacon And Friar Bungay

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fades in the fickle memory of the mob.

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Many a time and oft have I thought

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to dispatch this upstart crow with steel.

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But such a death would be too quick for one so base.

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Instead, have I employed

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a crueller weapon.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Tomorrow, all London will know

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how Robert Greene doth treat a low pretender to the rank of gentleman.

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For never more a poet will I be.

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Instead...

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..I am become...

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...a critic.

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HE CACKLES

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A critic...

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A critic!

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HE CACKLES THUNDER RUMBLES

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Greene's review is out and it's an absolute stinkington.

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Oh!

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No!

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Ouch. "Upstart crow."

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That'll hurt.

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You are right, Condell.

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He'll hide away for a while after this.

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Hm, yeah, nasty.

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Mind you, might be the wake-up call he needs, so...

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I beg your pardon, Kempe?

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This is the 16th century.

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He has to move on.

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Test the boundaries, challenge the form, yeah?

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Like with his comedy. Comedy isn't jokes.

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Comedy is attitude.

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It's not what you say.

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It's what you don't say.

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Do shut up, Kempe.

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"Upstart crow"?

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He calls me "upstart crow"?

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I can't believe it.

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I mean, one welcomes intelligent criticism, but this is just abuse.

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I thought you never read reviews.

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We all say that, Bottom, but it isn't true, obviously.

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We contrive to bring the good ones to the notice of our friends

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while letting the bad ones eat into our souls until the day we die!

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Don't be so soft. It will be forgot by tomorrow.

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That used to be the case,

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but since printing took off, bad reviews hang around for ever.

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Woe to Albion that through this new invention,

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any clueless arse-mungle may make

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his puerile twitterings known to the world...

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..as Robert Greene has done with his oh-so-amusing pamphlet,

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a Groatsworth Of Wit.

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You have to admit it's a pretty good title.

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Huh! If such little wit be worth a groat,

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then a king's ransom would not purchase my brilliant gag

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about waking up in an enchanted forest and falling in love with a donkey.

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Seriously, Master, you didn't expect Greene to be nice to you?

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He's a rival poet.

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For a genius, you don't know much about human nature.

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Actually, understanding human nature is one of my big things.

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Well, then, you should be able to see that he's jealous.

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He's jealous like...like...

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The green-eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on?

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Well, I was going to say, like a talentless turd in tights, which...

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..actually, I think is better.

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The point is, don't let him live in your head rent free.

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Huh? Who cares what he thinks?

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I care! These salty barbs will ruin me.

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All London will revel in my shame.

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Yeah, cos everyone in London's talking about you, aren't they(?)

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Got nothing else to worry about at all(!)

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"Got the plague. Could be worse - I could've been called an uppity crow."

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"Starving to death? Ooh, at least you haven't had a bad review!"

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Yes, all right, Bottom!

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"You're burned alive for refusing to deny Jesus were made of wine and wafers?

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"Well, that's nothing! Will Shake got called upstart crow by a posh boy!"

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"All your kids dead? Well, that's nothing..."

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All right, Bottom! I get the gag.

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-Yeah. And you know I'm right, too.

-I do not know you're right,

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and getting a bad review is much worse than getting the plague,

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because at least with the plague, the person that gave it to you dies!

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Good morrow, Will.

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Mistress Kate.

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I let myself in. Don't really do manners. Just kind of go where I please.

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Of course, Kit. Always welcome.

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I suppose you've seen Greene's piece in the Groat?

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Oh-ho-ho! Absolutely!

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You got a serious bitch-slapping.

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-Still, forget about it, eh?

-I can't forget about it, Kit.

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It's...it's eating away at me.

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Well, in that case, kill him. Ain't no thing.

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Challenge him to a duel when you see him at the prancings.

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I can't fight him, Kit. I'm no dashing blade.

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Where I went to school, we did our duelling with conkers,

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and the loser had to give everyone a bite of his carrot.

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Besides which, I can't go to the prancings now.

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Why not?

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Because I'll look a fool.

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Everyone will have read the Groat. I couldn't stand the shame.

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Will, please! Grow a pair of Bolingbrokes.

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The way to put Greene in his place is to show London you don't care what he thinks.

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But I do care, and all will know it. 'Tis writ upon my face.

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-He's transparent.

-Come on, Will!

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The noble peacock doesn't hang his head.

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He displays his bum-shank with magnificent feathery plumes.

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Show this churl your feathery bum-shank!

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But how?

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Strut, man! Rock some fine thread! Put on a show!

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Confidence is attractive.

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Believe me, the only way this review can hurt you is if you let it.

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Go a-prancings in silken tights of figure-hugging Italian cut,

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and Lord Southampton will see you are a dainty man of taste and breeding,

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and Greene will look a fool he ever called you upstart!

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Do you know, I think that could really work.

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If I turn up in form-fitting tights,

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everyone will see I've got balls.

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My sweet wife Anne is a pretty seamstress

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and for a few pence-worth of silk

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will she stitch me hose fit for the thighs of a prince.

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Sounds like a plan.

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Then ho for Stratford.

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As I always say, the apparel oft proclaims the man.

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I still think that should be "clothes maketh the man".

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Well, I imagine that's how it'll end up getting misquoted.

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HEN CLUCKS

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Father is returned. Let joy be unbounded.

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Ugh!

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Where's our presents?

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Uh... "Hello, Dad. Nice to see you."

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Did you bring us anything?

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Blimey!

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Here's your bloody sugar sticks.

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How did it ever get to be the rule that as soon as a father

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takes one step outside his front door,

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he's obliged to bring his children presents on his return?

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Methinks that in future, less-indulgent ages,

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kids will not be suffered to demand sweets on an almost-monthly basis.

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Oh, this is a nice surprise, Will.

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We weren't expecting you.

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-Mwah!

-Dad!

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We've been practising for the May Day stupid dance.

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Mum's making us costumes! Will you watch us?

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Run along and play, kids. Give your father a minute.

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WILL SIGHS

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Good journey, Will?

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Absolutely. Good seat, clean coach, on time.

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Well, that makes a nice change.

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Except... Hang on - no, that was in my dreams!

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Unfortunately, I made the mistake of travelling in the real world

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so, no, appalling journey.

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-Will you stay long?

-Sadly not, my love.

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I'm just so busy in London churning out plays,

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I can only stay a night. I really am becoming quite a success.

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In fact, I'm invited to saucy prancings at Lord Southampton's.

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Oh, zounds, that is posh.

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Posh indeed, good wife, and a good show must I make,

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which is why I've come home. I need your help.

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Take this shilling and with it

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stitch me tights in the Italian style.

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Italian style, Will?

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People'll see the contours of your Bolingbrokes.

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Ooh, Mum!

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That's exactly what I want them to see, Anne.

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My big, bad, country-boy Bolingbrokes.

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I think I am actually going to be sick.

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It seems this upstart crow still flies.

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Word has reached me that he is seen about the town in fine new tights.

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'Tis clear the rustic fool intends to try to brazen out

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the shame of my savage review

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by showing the world the contours of his Bolingbrokes. Well...

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Well...

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If he be so vain as to think he can

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come a-prancing 'mongst educated men,

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then, perchance, I can turn that vanity against him.

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HE CHUCKLES EVILLY

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Nice bloody tights, Mr Shakespeare!

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Nice indeed, Kate.

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Strutted have I from Fleet Street to Fenchurch,

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and many a cheeky whistle have I got!

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I'll wear these to the prancings, brazen out Greene's review,

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and then my big, new Jew play will

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make my reputation as London's best bard.

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Actually, I wanted to mention the big, new Jew play, Mr Shakespeare.

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-I read it. I hope that's all right.

-No problem, Kate. Enjoy it?

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The bit where the wicked Jew poisons an entire convent full of nuns?

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The end, where the Jew gets boiled

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in a big pot by the righteous Christians?

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Yes, I was wondering about those bits, particularly.

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Well, they are good. Nothing like whipping up violent

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prejudice against small, defenceless ethnic groups

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to get bums on seats.

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Actually, it's that aspect I was wondering about.

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I just thought...well, that you were a bit better than that.

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Oh, here we go.

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I might have seen that coming.

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Lighten up, Kate.

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Has theatre got so sensitive and correct

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that a writer can't even start a pogrom without causing offence?

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Jew-baiting is funny.

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It's a joke.

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Get a sense of humour.

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But you actually feel that,

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or is it that, deep down, you know it's mean and cruel and divisive,

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but you can't resist easy thrills and cheap laughs?

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Look, it's...it's layered.

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I... I'm being ironic

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and post Renaissance.

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Oh... It's irony, is it?

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Yes. By massaging prejudice, I'm actually satirising it.

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B-B-But really, though, are you? Honestly?

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It's a joke.

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It...

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BANGING

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Goodness. 'Tis Robert Greene. Shall I get Bottom

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-to heave a bucket of wee over him?

-Yes.

-Yes!

-No...

-No.

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He must've come about some purpose and I would know it.

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But since he hates you, surely he'll dissemble,

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concealing his true thoughts and seeking to gull you into further shame.

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You're right, Kate.

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So, what I'll do is, I'll hide me behind this chair

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and bend my little ear to hear the secrets of his heart,

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for doubtless will he speak his thoughts out loud,

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as is the custom 'mongst the dainties.

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Brilliant idea!

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You hide, I'll go and let him in.

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Good Master Shakespeare...

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But soft! The room is bare.

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That foolish girl mistaken must have been.

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'Tis shame indeed

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for I am come all contrite

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to make amends for my foolish slander in the Groat

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and offer a token of my future love.

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God's conkers, here's a minty fix.

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He has come to make amends, and I am hid.

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I will reveal myself but dissemble of the cause.

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HE SNORES LOUDLY

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But soft!

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What's this? Why, good Master Shakespeare be here after all!

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Sirrah, are you well?

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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What? What? Oh...

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Yes, quite well, sir.

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HE YAWNS

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W-Weary was I and so did lay me down to rest

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behind this...chair.

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Well, now, Greene, it seems right strange

0:16:120:16:14

that one who dubbed me crow comes now a-calling.

0:16:140:16:17

I am come to beg your pardon

0:16:170:16:21

for the wrong I have done thee.

0:16:210:16:25

Wow.

0:16:260:16:27

Really? That's...that's extremely sweet of you.

0:16:270:16:31

Sweets, like the honeyed goat balls that toothless crones

0:16:310:16:35

do suck on Lammas Eve.

0:16:350:16:36

A brilliant image from a brilliant poet.

0:16:360:16:40

Thanks. I will grant thee my pardon gladly, cuz.

0:16:400:16:43

And for the new love I bear thee,

0:16:430:16:46

will I speak further.

0:16:460:16:48

'Tis whispered abroad that you would attend the saucy prancings

0:16:480:16:53

all clad in silken hose.

0:16:530:16:55

Aye, 'tis true. Spy you these naughty boys.

0:16:550:16:59

I beg thee, cuz, to think again. The fashion changeth daily.

0:17:000:17:03

Silken hose is banished in Florence just now.

0:17:030:17:06

Instead, purple puffling pants,

0:17:060:17:09

yellow tights and really silly cross-garters are all the rage.

0:17:090:17:13

Any who come a-prancing dressed not so

0:17:130:17:16

will make a poor show indeed.

0:17:160:17:18

-Really?

-Really.

0:17:180:17:20

Goodness. M-My heartfelt thanks for telling me this,

0:17:200:17:22

for I would fain make a good impression.

0:17:220:17:25

Then I will see you at the prancings.

0:17:250:17:26

Good day.

0:17:260:17:29

Well, what did he want?

0:17:310:17:34

He said he was sorry and wanted to make amends.

0:17:340:17:36

Isn't that lovely?

0:17:360:17:38

He's lying.

0:17:380:17:39

It's bloody obvious.

0:17:390:17:40

It does seem a coddling good turnaround

0:17:400:17:43

from him that called me "upstart crow".

0:17:430:17:45

'Tis certain this Greene, who was

0:17:450:17:47

all green, like the green-eyed sea-monster,

0:17:470:17:50

does not turn joyful pink, like the one-eyed trouser-monster

0:17:500:17:54

in so swift a time.

0:17:540:17:56

Hmm. It is a bit strange, when you put it like that.

0:17:560:18:00

He told me my tights weren't fashionable enough

0:18:000:18:03

and that I should wear purple puffling pants,

0:18:030:18:05

yellow tights and really silly cross-garters to the prancing.

0:18:050:18:08

-He's trying to trick you into looking stupid.

-Exactly!

0:18:080:18:12

So must I go all clad in sombre garb,

0:18:120:18:14

like a God-prodding pure-titty

0:18:140:18:16

and thus filch him of his gulling.

0:18:160:18:18

Absolutely.

0:18:180:18:19

And yet...

0:18:210:18:22

..why does this Greene hate me?

0:18:230:18:26

Because he's jealous.

0:18:260:18:27

Exactly, Bottom.

0:18:270:18:29

Because I'm a genius.

0:18:290:18:31

That's not actually what I said.

0:18:310:18:33

And...and since he knows how clever I am,

0:18:330:18:36

he must know that if he tells me to wear stupid prancing pants,

0:18:360:18:39

I will get his bluffle and come in sombre garb,

0:18:390:18:42

whilst he besports his dainty leg

0:18:420:18:44

in finest Italian cross-gartered yellow.

0:18:440:18:47

You're over-thinking this, Master.

0:18:470:18:49

And so must I practise on him a double-bluffle

0:18:490:18:52

and go a-prancing in purple pants!

0:18:520:18:55

Where be Will Shakespeare and his Jew play?

0:18:570:19:01

This is most frustrating.

0:19:010:19:04

Well, bad review - knocks you back. I know the feeling.

0:19:040:19:08

Except, hang on, I don't,

0:19:080:19:10

because I've never had one!

0:19:100:19:12

Personally, I never read reviews.

0:19:120:19:14

Oh...

0:19:140:19:15

Although there was a lovely piece of graffiti about my Faerie Queene

0:19:150:19:19

scratched on the wall behind the privy at the Red Lion!

0:19:190:19:21

Master Burbage!

0:19:220:19:24

Why, Mr Greene, to what do we owe this honour?

0:19:240:19:27

You know very well.

0:19:270:19:29

I sent word suggesting a revival of mine own sublime Friar Bacon And Friar Bungay

0:19:290:19:33

for your next production.

0:19:330:19:35

You have not replied.

0:19:350:19:38

Ah, yes. Well,

0:19:380:19:40

-lovely idea, Bunglay And Bacon.

-Bacon And Bungay.

0:19:400:19:42

Brilliant stuff, and all that.

0:19:420:19:44

It's just that we await a new piece from Mr Shakespeare.

0:19:440:19:47

Really?

0:19:490:19:51

Shakespeare...

0:19:520:19:55

Shakespeare...

0:19:550:19:57

Well, you may yet find you come crawling back to me 'ere long.

0:19:580:20:03

This crow you speak of

0:20:030:20:04

is invited to saucy prancings at Lord Southampton's,

0:20:040:20:07

and methinks he'll put up so poor a show

0:20:070:20:10

he'll ne'er be seen in this town again.

0:20:100:20:12

HE CHUCKLES EVILLY

0:20:120:20:13

I'll await your summons.

0:20:150:20:17

Good day.

0:20:200:20:22

Unbelievable!

0:20:250:20:27

He just stopped. Stopped dead.

0:20:270:20:30

Susanna, your father's home. Help him with his cloak.

0:20:300:20:33

Oh, yeah. That's right.

0:20:330:20:34

I forgot I'm a slave!

0:20:340:20:36

What stopped, doll face?

0:20:360:20:38

The coach. We were just pulling into Leamington Spa when it stopped

0:20:380:20:42

barely 50 yards from the post house.

0:20:420:20:45

No explanation! No apology!

0:20:450:20:47

It just stood there...for a day!

0:20:470:20:50

I mean, why? Just why?!

0:20:500:20:54

What are you doing home, anyway? Did you miss us?

0:20:540:20:57

I mean, not your mother, obviously. You're not insane!

0:20:570:21:00

I can hear you, Anne Shakespeare, and you're a very common woman.

0:21:010:21:05

To tell the truth, Wife, I've had a bad review

0:21:050:21:08

and must put on a really good show, so...

0:21:080:21:10

Oh, we might have just the thing, William. Go on, John.

0:21:100:21:13

Tell him your idea.

0:21:130:21:15

Idea? Dad, wh-wh... What idea?

0:21:150:21:18

Don't listen to him, love. He's a nasty, jealous old arse-mungle.

0:21:180:21:22

It seems to me

0:21:220:21:24

you've made quite a success of yourself with your ready wit

0:21:240:21:29

and uncanny command of language,

0:21:290:21:31

but you're not that bloody clever.

0:21:310:21:34

I'm as witty as you are, easy.

0:21:340:21:36

Hmm.

0:21:360:21:38

I'm...I'm...I'm wondering where we're going with this.

0:21:390:21:43

He wants to get in on it. Don't you let him.

0:21:430:21:45

You want to write plays, Dad?

0:21:450:21:47

No, not plays. I hate your plays.

0:21:470:21:48

But you're not just a playwright, are you?

0:21:480:21:52

You're also a poet, a wit and an all-round smartarse.

0:21:520:21:56

A raconteur, Husband.

0:21:560:21:59

In Paris, they say "raconteur",

0:21:590:22:01

which is French for smartarse.

0:22:010:22:03

And I was thinking, we could do it together.

0:22:030:22:06

-Together?

-Like a sort of double act.

0:22:060:22:08

You the famous, witty, successful son,

0:22:080:22:11

me the grumpy old dad who's unimpressed by your success and fashionable ways.

0:22:110:22:18

The only one who can really point out what a knob you actually are.

0:22:180:22:22

Because he's your dad.

0:22:230:22:24

M-Maybe...

0:22:260:22:28

I'm n-n-not sure.

0:22:280:22:31

You're ashamed of me cos I'm a convicted criminal.

0:22:310:22:34

No, no. I just...

0:22:340:22:35

Oh, you think you've got above us with your bloody London ways?

0:22:350:22:38

But I fear you'll never truly be accepted by the cock-snobbled folderols

0:22:380:22:43

on account of the fact you're a turnip-chomping country bum-shankle.

0:22:430:22:48

Not so, Father!

0:22:480:22:50

As you well know, I'm invited to Lord Southampton's saucy prancings,

0:22:500:22:54

and you don't get more cock-snobble than that!

0:22:540:22:57

On which subject, Wife, I need new tights.

0:22:570:23:00

It seems, to fit the fashion, I must

0:23:000:23:02

come all attired in purple puffling pants,

0:23:020:23:05

yellow tights and really stupid cross-garters.

0:23:050:23:08

You must stitch them for me.

0:23:080:23:10

And how am I to afford the material?

0:23:100:23:11

Why, from what remains of the shilling I did give thee last time.

0:23:110:23:14

-I've spent it.

-Spent it? On what?

0:23:140:23:17

On what(?)

0:23:170:23:19

On what, mate(?)

0:23:190:23:20

I've got a bloody cottage to run and a family to raise, that's what!

0:23:200:23:24

I'm having the roof thatched, the chimneys are being swept,

0:23:240:23:26

I've had the rat-catcher round to do the beds,

0:23:260:23:29

Hamnet's wooden tooth needs re-varnishing,

0:23:290:23:32

and I bought a ferret for Judith's hair, to eat the nits.

0:23:320:23:35

I paid off the witch-accuser so he won't accuse me and Susanna of being witches,

0:23:350:23:40

even though I think she might actually be a witch!

0:23:400:23:42

Oh, God, Mum! Thou art so funny(!)

0:23:420:23:45

I bought the twins lovely new outfits for the May Day stupid dance,

0:23:450:23:49

a beautiful purple doublet and hose for Hamnet,

0:23:490:23:52

and a lovely yellow dress for Judith!

0:23:520:23:56

Dad, you came back! You're going to watch our May Day dance!

0:23:560:23:59

We love our new clothes,

0:23:590:24:01

and thanks for this wonderful colourful ribbon!

0:24:010:24:04

Hmm...

0:24:040:24:05

Um...

0:24:050:24:07

Look, kids, it's bad news.

0:24:070:24:10

You...you're not going to watch us?

0:24:100:24:12

Actually, it's a bit worse than that.

0:24:120:24:16

Oh, yes! Yah!

0:24:170:24:19

Kate, Bottom, I just thought I'd drop by to check out Will's tights

0:24:190:24:22

before the prancings, you know, make sure he's hanging properly,

0:24:220:24:25

showing good Bolingbroke contour.

0:24:250:24:27

-He's already gone, Mr Marlowe.

-Yeah, he were too excited to wait.

0:24:270:24:30

Ooh, I bet he was. How did he look? Pretty cool?

0:24:300:24:32

Mmm...not exactly cool.

0:24:320:24:34

He looked like a massive futtocking cod-dangle.

0:24:340:24:38

Robert Greene came round

0:24:400:24:42

and told him to wear really silly pants, tights and cross-garters.

0:24:420:24:45

So, obviously, he realised it was a bluffle, to make him look a fool?

0:24:450:24:48

-Yeah.

-But then he decided it was a double-bluffle.

0:24:480:24:50

Hang on, hang on.

0:24:500:24:52

You're not saying that Will thought that Greene would guess

0:24:520:24:54

that he would spot his bluff to bluff him into wearing stupid prancing trousers,

0:24:540:24:58

so thought his actual plan was to twice-bluff him

0:24:580:25:00

into not wearing stupid prancing trousers,

0:25:000:25:02

so he decided to counterbluff by wearing stupid prancing trousers?

0:25:020:25:06

Exactly. It's that simple.

0:25:060:25:08

Yes, hello.

0:25:140:25:16

I'm here for My Lord Southampton's saucy prancings.

0:25:160:25:19

Yes. The artists' entrance at the back door, please. And hurry up,

0:25:190:25:23

the other clowns have been here half an hour.

0:25:230:25:25

Will! Will! Will, thank God I've caught you.

0:25:250:25:28

Greene's been playing you, mate. Trying to make you look a fool.

0:25:280:25:31

-No!

-Well, well, well!

0:25:310:25:33

Our upstart country bum-snot come a-prancing 'mongst the dainties?

0:25:330:25:39

I know. I see now you are come as a jester to amuse the children.

0:25:390:25:44

The apparel oft proclaims the man and you,

0:25:440:25:47

sirrah, are proclaimed a fool.

0:25:470:25:50

I salute you, Greene.

0:25:500:25:52

You knew that I would guess

0:25:520:25:54

that you would guess that I would guess about the stupid pants

0:25:540:25:57

and so, with fiendish cunning, did you triple-gull me.

0:25:570:26:00

No, I just told you to wear stupid pants, and you did.

0:26:000:26:04

HE CHUCKLES EVILLY

0:26:040:26:06

Happy prancing!

0:26:080:26:10

Well, that's that, then.

0:26:130:26:15

Thank heavens you got here in time to stop me, Kit.

0:26:150:26:18

If I'd gone in there dressed like this,

0:26:180:26:19

I would have been laughed out of London.

0:26:190:26:21

As it is, I must skulk away like a lowly oik

0:26:210:26:24

and miss my chance amongst the folderols.

0:26:240:26:26

Skulk away? Skulk away?! Will, mate, have you learned nothing from what I told you?

0:26:260:26:31

A gentleman doesn't skulk.

0:26:310:26:33

He struts!

0:26:350:26:37

Kit, you'd go to the prancings dressed like that? For me?

0:26:370:26:41

Course I would. You're a mate.

0:26:410:26:42

Besides which, I quite fancy the skit.

0:26:420:26:44

By the time cool kid Marlowe's danced a jig or two dressed like this,

0:26:440:26:47

the whole of London will be wearing purple pants!

0:26:470:26:49

How can I ever thank you?

0:26:490:26:51

-I'll leave it with you.

-Right.

0:26:510:26:54

And I hear Shakespeare made a huge success at the prancings after all.

0:26:540:26:59

Perhaps now he will deign at last to give us his new piece.

0:26:590:27:03

Actually, Burbage, Will has a bit of writer's block at the moment

0:27:030:27:07

-and he sends his apologies.

-Oh...

0:27:070:27:09

I, however, have been on something of a roll.

0:27:090:27:13

A new play? By you?

0:27:140:27:15

It's just a little thing I dashed off. I think you might like it.

0:27:150:27:19

The Jew Of Malta...

0:27:190:27:21

..by Christopher Marlowe.

0:27:220:27:24

Ah!

0:27:240:27:26

HEN CLUCKS

0:27:260:27:28

I'm glad you gave that play to Marlowe.

0:27:300:27:33

Kate was right.

0:27:330:27:34

There's enough intolerance in the world without clever dicks like you

0:27:340:27:37

using it to thrill the mob.

0:27:370:27:39

Perhaps you're right.

0:27:390:27:41

You're bigger than that, doll. You know you are.

0:27:410:27:43

Yes. I think perhaps I am.

0:27:430:27:46

You should do another big Jew play sometime.

0:27:490:27:52

But give the Jews some sympathetic traits.

0:27:520:27:55

A nice Jew?

0:27:550:27:57

Bloody hell. Pretty radical, Anne.

0:27:590:28:01

Oh, I don't say he has to be nice, just human.

0:28:020:28:05

I don't know any Jews meself.

0:28:060:28:08

No-one does.

0:28:080:28:10

They were all thrown out of England by Edward I,

0:28:120:28:14

and none has ever been allowed back in.

0:28:140:28:16

But I imagine, if you prick 'em, they bleed.

0:28:160:28:19

If you tickle 'em, they'll laugh, just like we do.

0:28:190:28:22

These are bold thoughts, Wife,

0:28:230:28:25

but there may be something in it. I'll let it gestate.

0:28:250:28:29

Gestate?!

0:28:290:28:31

Gestate?

0:28:310:28:33

If you mean think about it, then why not just say it?

0:28:330:28:37

I'm not doing a double act with you, Dad. Go to bed.

0:28:370:28:41

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