Episode 6 W1A

This programme contains some strong language

Stand by, two.

Mix through. Cue on two.

The BBC has announced the appointment of ex-head

of Olympic deliverance Ian Fletcher, as its new head of values.

Time now for the shipping forecast...

Superimpose.

The fact is, Claudia Winkleman is an almost perfect example

-of something we currently do well.

-Sure.

-Brilliant.

The fact is we should be looking at better ways

of doing more of her, not fewer.

-Right. OK.

-Like, duh.

VOICEOVER: Thursday morning at the BBC's New Broadcasting House.

Another day, another damage limitation meeting

and this morning it's a one-item agenda.

-What I don't understand is how this can possibly have happened.

-I know.

-Yes, exactly.

-How did we get to this point?

-I know, tell me about it.

So, just to be clear, what you're telling us is that Amanda Holden

-has already signed an agreement in principle?

-Yes, I know, yes.

-Right, OK.

-Can I just say, guys?

-I never thought we'd end up in this situation.

-Brilliant.

-Never thought it.

-No, clearly.

-Despite the offer of an exclusive contract worth

-BLEEP

-million pounds

-from rival broadcaster

-BLEEP,

the BBC were close to persuading Claudia Winkleman to stay

and develop On Your Bike as a way of being taken seriously,

until they discovered that they've also been developing an almost

identical show with Amanda Holden as presenter.

It feels to me like what needs to happen is someone needs to

-phone Amanda up and basically explain to her...

-Sure.

-Fabulous.

-Yes, exactly.

-Right.

-It's a no-brainer.

I've got to say I agree, Ian.

So, sorry, when you say explain to her...

-I don't know, just be honest with her.

-Right, yes.

-Tell her the truth.

-Brilliant.

-The truth.

-Exactly.

-You never know, it might work.

-Yes, exactly, yes.

-Everyone knows, with Claudia having promised

-BLEEP

-a decision

by the end of the week, the future of Strictly Come Dancing and

therefore of the BBC itself could well be hanging in the balance.

When you say the truth, Ian, what exactly are you going to say to her?

-Yes, interesting.

-I'm sorry, I'm not doing this.

-Oh, OK.

-I don't mind who does, obviously.

-No, of course.

Can I just say, guys? Me neither. I'm easy.

-There'll be a form of words here, surely.

-Yes.

-Yes, exactly.

-A form of words, yes.

-Yes, no, very clear.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the building

it's also a big morning for Izzy Gould.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-How are you feeling?

-Yeah, good.

With the BBC facing a demand for a £1.5 million donation to charity

following its use of the film star Hugh Grant's

image to promote a BBC product without his consent, she's been

summoned to the director-general's office to explain.

-So, do you know who else is going to be there?

-No.

Apparently the more he smiles, the bigger the trouble you're in.

-Really?

-Apparently.

-OK.

-That was a joke, right?

-Oh, OK.

-I just came to say good luck.

-Yes, thanks.

-It'll be fine, OK?

-Yes.

-It's simple.

They issue a formal, grovelling apology,

we're really sorry, a fuck-up by a junior employee,

in this case also an idiot, who has since been removed from post.

-Right.

-That's what happens now, OK?

And promise me you're not going to do something stupid

because really this has gone far enough.

-Sorry, guys, but when you say words, Ian...

-Look, I'm really sorry.

-For Christ's sake.

-So I'm bored of this now.

-Yeah, me too.

Back in Mary Berry, the search is still on for the best

form of words to explain to Amanda Holden that there's only

one BBC bike and that she's not going to be riding it.

-OK, here's the thing with this.

-All right, here we go.

-It is not brain science.

-Brain science?

-What?

As of now, Amanda has signed an agreement in principled. Whatever.

-Yes.

-An agreement in principle.

-Exactly, so what you do is offer her a ridiculously small fee.

-Right.

-Brilliant.

-Presumably we've done that all ready.

Yes, we have, Neil, yes.

No, I get that but I mean like crazy small, like zippence.

-OK.

-So, how much are you offering her now?

-How much?

Sure, how much? I just said that.

-Well, I think we were talking about something like

-BLEEP

-thousand.

-BLEEP

-thousand?

-I think so, yes.

-Christ.

-So, you offer her like

-BLEEP.

-BLEEP?

-Sure.

-What? Per episode.

-No, for the whole thing, whatever.

-Really?

-BLEEP

-thousand?

-Well, she's getting like

-BLEEP

-for Britain's Got Talent.

-Right, do you think?

-Exactly.

-BLEEP

-thousand.

-At least

-BLEEP.

-Jesus.

So Amanda is like, "I really want to do this

"and I know these guys don't have any money"

-but she can't accept

-BLEEP.

-Brilliant.

-Her agent won't let her.

-Right, well.

-Oh, my God, Siobhan.

-It is a slam dunk.

-Fabulous.

-That's one way of doing it, I suppose.

-Yeah.

-It totally is.

-OK, Amanda, tick.

If that doesn't work, you can always try the truth.

-Yes.

-Yes, no brilliant. Goody good.

-Yes, exactly.

-Yeah, great.

Meanwhile, Izzy has emerged from her meeting with director-general

Tony Hall and his people about the Hugh Grant affair.

-So... How did it go?

-It was fine. Cool.

-So, you told them?

-You did the right thing.

-I didn't need to.

-What do you mean?

-It was fine, it's all gone away.

-What?

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: At the southern end of the earth,

after four months of total darkness,

the sun once more rises over Antarctica.

Astonishingly, for both Izzy and for the BBC,

there's been some good news overnight in the shape

of an intervention from a completely unexpected quarter.

Will?

-Oh, yeah, Izzy, yeah, hi.

-I don't want to disturb you.

-No worries, yeah, cool.

-But I came from a meeting with Tony Hall.

-Whoa, Tony Hall.

-Yes. About the whole Hugh Grant thing.

Yeah, I know, crap.

It appears that no less a person than Sir David Attenborough

himself has now become involved.

Apparently they know each other from the whole worldwide wildlife thing.

That's like, no way.

Anyway, he phoned him personally in LA,

he has his private number and everything.

No way, that's like mental. That is so random, like, I don't know.

-Can I just ask you...?

-Yeah.

Because the first thing I thought when they told me,

was this something to do with you?

Yeah, no, say again?

I know it's mad but were you involved in this in some way?

-I knew it.

-Yeah, no.

-I knew it was you.

-He's such a cool guy.

-Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me?

-Yeah, I know, crap.

Will?

-Oh, sorry.

-Yeah, no, crap.

Yeah, me too. Yeah, crap.

It's Friday and the end of another week at New Broadcasting House,

but this isn't so much the end of something

as the start of something new.

Tonight finally sees the launch of the BBC's new online platform

BBC Me and with it the dawn of a future in which BBC

content will be uploaded mainly by the same people who then watch it.

-Ah, Anna.

-Yes.

-Morning.

-Yes, exactly, yes.

-How are you?

Yes, I've been trying to catch you up.

With so much change in the air,

including the creation of a single new post of Director Of Purpose

to replace the current posts of Head Of Values and Director Of Better,

there's a lot to think about for anyone with a folding bike.

-The fact is I need to talk to you.

-Yes, right.

-Yes.

-Are you OK with that, by the way?

-Yes, I'm fine.

-Maybe we should...

Oh, careful.

-Now. Are you OK? Anna?

-Yes, no.

-Let me have a look.

-The fact is I'm fine.

Erm...

Right, OK.

-Here we go, some plaster strip here so that's good.

-Yes.

Some TCP. Hang on, no, that's eyewash.

-No, I don't want that.

-Here's the TCP.

Fortunately for Anna, the BBC has installed state-of-the-art

first aid facilities in New Broadcasting House, especially

equipped with just this type of folding bike injury in mind.

-How are you doing?

-Yes.

-It really stings, doesn't it?

You're doing really well.

It's certainly a different way to start the morning.

-The fact is I need to talk to you.

-Yes.

I'm assuming if this is the whole Director Of Purpose thing,

-yes, let's have coffee or something.

-Yes.

But do you want to hold your hand out?

-Maybe you want to just make sure that's really dry.

-Exactly.

I don't know what to think about it.

There's so much happening at the moment.

I haven't made a decision yet if that's what you're asking.

-Er... That looks better, doesn't it?

-Yes.

So, no, but just to say whatever happens we're both grown-ups.

-Yes.

-OK?

-Yes.

-So I don't think it needs...

-The fact is I'm leaving.

-Right, OK.

-Yes.

The fact is I need to talk to you.

Yes, right. OK.

Meanwhile, up on the sixth floor, Will is

arriving for work as usual, another busy day of assisting ahead of him.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

Yes, no, brilliant.

It's the same day but later and BBC Head Of Brand Siobhan Sharpe

has come over to New Broadcasting House from Fun Media to take the

renewal group through the itinerary for tonight's seminal BBC Me launch.

So one minute to midnight you've a ton of cool people there,

-you've got champagne.

-Champagne?

-Sure.

-Brilliant.

-Prosecco, whatever.

-Yes, please.

-Sure.

-It may be the future but this is still the BBC.

-Yeah, sure.

I'm good with that.

Siobhan is keen everyone understands just how important a moment

this is in the history of what was once the BBC.

So, one minute to midnight, cue Me, Me, Me on the big screen.

BBC Me, it's you, whatever.

-Then countdown to midnight like countdown to the future.

-Brilliant.

Everybody is like, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four.

-Yes, I think we know how a countdown works, Siobhan.

-Yes.

-Exactly.

-Three, two, one. Yay!

-Yes, I mean...

-No, no. I've got more.

-Great.

So this is the really cool part. We've done Me, Me, Me.

We've done the countdown. We've done yay, it's the future.

-We've got everybody there, what do we do now?

-Don't know.

-No, so you say stuff and I tell you the answer.

-Right.

-No, I'm sorry, Siobhan. I give up.

-Please, Miss, can we have a...?

-We dance.

-Oh, brilliant.

-We dance.

-Sure.

-OK.

-Right, that's me out.

-Like it's a party, right?

-So we have the world's biggest silent disco.

-All right.

-Silent disco.

-Fabulous.

And we live stream the whole thing on BBC Me.

-Right.

-No, honestly.

-How cool is that?

-Right, is that it now?

-No, sure. We're pretty much done here.

-OK, thanks for that, Siobhan.

-Quite a lot to process there.

-Yes, exactly.

-Really?

-There so is.

Just to check, I am assuming Tony's office is happy with all this?

-Sure, totally.

-Right.

-Tony who?

-Tony Hall, Siobhan.

-No, sure.

-Director-general...

-Yeah, no, got it. Good with that.

-OK, here's to the future.

-No, honestly. Bring it on. I can't wait.

-Me neither.

-Bagsy dance with you, Anna.

-Yes, exactly.

-No, I'm sorry.

-Fabulous.

-Yeah, great.

-Hi, Will.

-Yeah, hey, I don't know.

-Are you off?

-What? Yeah, I'm off.

-Me too.

-OK, cool.

-So, another week.

-Yeah, another week, yeah, cool.

-Are you going to this launch thing later?

-Yeah, I don't know.

-You should.

-Yeah.

-Everyone will be there, I think.

-Yeah.

PHONE VIBRATES What's this?

Oh, right. Sorry, Will. I'd better just deal with this, I think.

OK, cool.

-Hi.

-Oh, hi. Yes.

I was going to reply but then thought it was probably

-quicker just to...

-Yes, thanks.

-Are you OK?

-Yes, no, I'm fine.

-No, I don't want to keep you.

-No, no.

-Are you going to this thing later on?

-Yes. Are you?

-Yes.

-Right, apparently we've all got to have fun.

-Yes.

Yes, no, it is not official and I'm not supposed to tell anyone

-but I've got some news.

-Right.

-Will.

-Hey, yeah.

-I was just leaving, actually.

-Yeah, me too.

-I'll come with you, shall I?

-OK, cool.

Yes, so like another week.

-Yes, another week, yes.

-Are you going to...?

-Jack.

-Hey, yeah. I don't know.

-I'm not going to ask, OK?

-OK, cool.

-I don't care. I was just coming to find you.

-To find me?

-It's On Your Bike.

-What do you mean?

-I just ran into David Wilkes.

-Right.

It is like he's foaming at the mouth.

That is great, Lucy. That's fantastic.

They're not announcing anything official until next week.

Head Of Empowerment.

I'm not going to believe it until I actually get the e-mail.

-Congratulations.

-Yes.

-So, hi, guys.

-David.

-I know you're busy and didn't want to disturb you.

-No, we were just...

I wouldn't bother you at all

but I think something really bad's happened.

-Something bad?

-And what it is, I didn't know who else to tell.

-Right.

Even though it's already been a big week for everyone at the BBC,

for those who haven't managed to get out of the building yet

it's just got even bigger.

So I tried to get hold of Simon and Anna

-but Simon's gone home to change and Anna isn't answering.

-No.

-Oh, thank God.

-I found her.

-Lovely Izzi.

-Hey, yeah.

-I found him, too.

Yes, no, so what it was it I phoned Amanda to leave her a message

but I got straight through to her which I wasn't expecting.

In the course of a number of conversations with both

Amanda Holden and her agent during the course of the day

on the subject of a crazy low fee for her BBC One Cycling Shorts

series, David seems to have somehow succeeded in formally

attaching her to the show.

And she's like, "David, this isn't about money,

"it is not about that. I've had my fill of Simon's trousers

"and people juggling dogs, I'm done with that."

And her agent's like, what it is,

at this point in her career, this is a perfect fit for Amanda,

and she'd, like, kill to be on the BBC, she don't care who knows it.

-Right.

-So, anyway, she wouldn't have it.

And she ended up saying that she was, like, signing

the actual contract today and putting it in the post.

-Right.

-End of.

-OK.

-I know, nightmare.

With the clock ticking towards a brick wall,

and Claudia Winkleman waiting to hear back from the BBC

about On Your Bike, they need to think of something fast,

and worse still, something good.

-OK, so break the contract.

-Oh, well.

-Whoa.

No, like, she's signed it now.

She has signed now, yes.

Yes, I know, that's what I'm saying.

-Yes.

-It's fine, it's like, people break contracts all the time.

-Yes, but they're not the BBC.

-OK, so...

-Well, we are.

Yeah, we are, yeah.

With other key players having either gone home,

gone somewhere else, or left the BBC entirely,

those who are left have no option

but to roll up whatever sleeves they can find and try to sit down.

-I mean, Will...

-Yeah, cool, yeah?

-Don't feel you've got to hang around for this, obviously.

-No.

-Yeah, no worries, yeah. I don't know.

-What?

-So if you are going to be hanging around...

-Yeah, cos...

Yeah, any chance of doing a coffee run?

-OK.

-Will...

-No, Jack.

I don't know about anyone else...

-Don't talk to me about sugar levels, do not get me started.

-OK, cool.

-No, hang on, Will.

-Yeah?

-You were going to say something.

-Yeah, I don't know.

-No, go on.

Yeah, I don't know, it's like, you could have, like,

-loads of different programmes about cycling.

-Right, yes.

-Great.

-Yeah, cos, like, at school, we had, like, a whole cycling week.

-Right.

-It was pretty cool.

-A cycling week?

Yeah, like, in the summer term.

So, like, in history, it was, I don't know, like, Penny Farthing.

-Like, in English, we had to write, like, a story about a bike.

-Right.

-Like, in maths, it was, like, I don't know, like, wheels.

-Yes.

And, like, in geography, we did, like, China.

Yes, I think we're getting the picture, Will.

-Yeah, I know, yeah, me too.

-So, what, you mean...?

Suddenly, out of nowhere, and without trying,

it's starting to look as if Will Humphries may have finally

found himself in a situation for which he is uniquely qualified.

So, like, a cycling season.

-A cycling season.

-Yeah, cool.

-Right.

-Cycling season, yeah, cool.

Or, like, a kind of On Your Bike season,

but across the whole of the BBC.

Yeah, cool, yeah, the whole of the BBC.

-OK.

-Oh, my God.

His school cycling week was no doubt intended to educate,

inform and entertain, as well as to fill time

and, by some fluke of circumstance, it turns out those were also

the original founding principles of the BBC.

Cos you could have a public awareness,

-like, a health angle, as well.

-Yes.

-Like, you know, getting Britain moving.

-Get Britain moving.

-Britain on two wheels.

-Britain on two wheels.

I suppose you could run bicycle thieves somewhere.

-Yeah, cool.

-Bicycle thieves.

-Yeah, cool, yeah,

-with, like, bicycle police chasing them.

-Yes.

-What?

No, I was just thinking, in terms of the whole distinctivity thing,

suddenly, this is starting to sound very BBC.

-Yeah, exactly.

-No, in a good way, I mean.

-OK, so how does this play with Claudia Winkleman, then?

-Right, yes.

If we're promising her an exclusive gig.

-Yes.

-Yeah, I don't know, yeah, good point.

OK, so I don't know, maybe there's a version of this

-where you make Claudia the face of the whole thing.

-Yes.

-Oh.

-You know, and you make On Your Bike the flagship show.

-Cool.

-Oh, my God, genius, Ian.

-Well, no.

Can I just say, guys, is it just me

-or have we basically just saved the BBC?

-Well, cool.

I mean, let's not get too carried away with this just yet.

Yeah, no, OK, crap.

Eventually, it's later,

and excitement is building in the building

as the countdown to the future for the BBC is inexorably underway.

The guest list amounts to a literal who's who of the social media world,

together with some dignitaries specially chosen to represent

the outgoing world order, such as Fiona Craig

from the Department of Culture, Media and also Sport.

To top it all, BBC Director-General Tony Hall himself has arrived in

order to be there in person, as well as to make some sort of big speech.

So, we put him in there, OK,

and we've got a guy with, like, a smoke machine, whatever.

-Right.

-Cool.

-Yeah, yeah.

-With, like, real smoke?

-What?

-We put who there, Siobhan?

-Brilliant!

-Tony?

-Sure.

-Yeah.

-So fun.

-We're putting Tony Hall in the TARDIS?

-Yes, very good.

As the minutes tick away,

Siobhan and her fun, creative team are taking Tracey and Simon

through some of the fine detail of what's going to happen.

-Then it's like, nine, eight, seven, six...

-OK.

-..five, four...

-Yes.

-..three, two, one.

-ALL:

-Yay!

Yes, OK, thank you, Siobhan.

-The door opens...

-Yeah!

-Fabulous!

He comes out and he goes to the podium, whatever...

Suddenly, he's arrived, it's the future.

Then you've got a speech, right.

No, really, it's too much.

OK, so not being awkward or anything, Siobhan,

but have you actually asked Tony about this?

-He's going to love this, right?

-Yeah.

As someone who's worked with Tony closely over the years,

and who I don't mind saying I think he respects...

-Yes, no, brilliant, Tracey.

-..I am going to say this.

-Tony likes to know what he's doing, OK?

-Sure.

He doesn't like surprises.

OK, so he's doing this, right?

-OK.

-Like, how cool is that?

-No.

-It's not a question, right, it's way cool.

-Fabulous.

-Chief global content officer?

-Yes, exactly.

-Right.

Meanwhile, Anna is in the process of taking Ian

through some plans of her own.

-And this is LA, is it?

-LA, yes, exactly.

-Right, well.

-The fact is, it's sunny there. I've had enough of rain.

-Yes.

With one eye on which way the wind is blowing

and another eye on the rain,

Anna has decided to leave the BBC behind her altogether

and has already landed a senior role

with US media giant Amazon in America.

-Well, I mean, what can I say? Congratulations, Anna.

-Yes, exactly.

-That sounds amazing.

-Yes, exactly, yes.

Given the responsibilities that will come with her new role,

it's vital that she's done as much preparation for life

in Los Angeles as possible before she gets there.

-That's the kitchen.

-Right.

-The terrace is outside.

-Right.

-Yes.

She's got some photos of a house in Santa Monica

which she's happy to share with him.

-And this is the utility room.

-Yes.

-There's another shower in there.

-Is there?

-It's nice, isn't it?

-Oh, I mean, no, it's really...

-Yes, exactly, yes.

-Oh, David.

-Hello, lovely Lucy.

-Sorry, I didn't see you there.

Yes, I know. Look at you, in your lovely dress.

What? Oh, no, yes, it's just...

Oh, congratulations, by the way.

-Hear they're in order.

-Oh, thank you.

With the future really not that far away now,

Anna isn't the only one in the room thinking about what it

could possibly hold for them.

Yes, no, cos I've got a bit of news of me own,

-but I promised myself I wouldn't tell anybody.

-Right.

What I've said is, if you've

any sense, you keep it to yourself, David.

Right, OK. Well, I mean, that's...

-What it is, and this absolutely to go no further...

-No.

..but I've taken the first step on a very big journey today.

-Right, have you?

-Yes, I have, Lucy, yes.

-The fact is, I need to talk to you.

-Well, yes, so you keep...

-I mean, actually, you are doing, actually.

-Yes, exactly, yes.

-The fact is, you could come with me.

-Oh, yes.

-You don't need to do this.

-Yes.

-You don't need to be here.

-Well, no.

I mean, hang on, just checking, you're not serious, are you?

-The fact is, I'm not drunk.

-No.

-They're really keen on you over there.

-What?

-The fact is...

-Who is?

-We talked about it at interview.

-Talked about what?

Yes, exactly, yes. The fact is, we make a good team.

-The fact is, I'm not drunk.

-No.

-Sometimes, I think you want to start my life all over again.

-Right.

-The fact is, I feel the same.

-Yes.

What it is, OK...

OK, this morning, right...

-WHISPERS:

-I filled in stage one

of the Director of Purpose application form and I send it off.

-What?

-I filled in...

-No, I heard you.

-OK.

Director of Purpose?

And now, I know what you're thinking, Lucy,

but do you know what I think it is, though, what it is?

I'm passionate about the BBC.

-Right, are you?

-Yes, I am, yes. And do you know what?

-We're living in an era of change.

-Yes.

-We are in a time where, like, literally anything can happen.

-Mm.

And I'm like, if anything can happen, then do you know what?

-Might as well be happening to you.

-Yes. You mean happening to you.

-Happening to me, yes.

-Yes.

-Yes, I know me, yes.

Meanwhile, as Senior Communications Officer Tracey Pritchard

is doing her best to mitigate any surprises

that Director-General Tony Hall might find himself

facing on the way to his big speech, in another part of the room,

Will Humphries has got other issues to think about.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-This is fun, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-That for me?

-No, I just picked up two just in case.

Right, well, thanks.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Here's to David Attenborough, then.

-Yes.

-Mm, what a guy.

-Yeah.

-If it wasn't for him,

-you would've crashed and burned by now.

-Well...

And all just to protect Forrest Gump.

-Christ.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-For God's sake.

-No, I'm sorry.

No, no, fine. Whatever.

Drink your own bloody prosecco.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Nice quiet corner.

Yes, it's... Yes.

-Not long to go now.

-No.

-No.

-Well, here's to you.

-To?

-To empowerment.

-Oh, right, yes.

Congratulations.

And here's to purpose.

-Right, yes.

-Cheers.

I hope you stay.

Yes, well...

I really do.

Meanwhile, as midnight approaches,

it's time to put BBC Director-General Tony Hall

in the TARDIS.

-OK, well, he's in.

-Right.

-Cool.

-Great.

-Yes, no, great.

Can't see anything going wrong with this.

-Poor Tony looked a bit forlorn in there on his own.

-Yes.

OK, all set here, guys, we're locked and loaded?

I've got to say, I'm not surprised.

He asked me if I'd mind leaving the door open a bit.

I bet he did. Not being funny but I wouldn't go in there if you paid me.

Really rather sweet.

OK, shut up. And run, Me, Me, Me.

-OK, we've got one minute, guys, one minute.

-Right, here we go.

Me.

Me...

OK, can somebody close that door, OK?

-No.

-Ah, now...

-No, I'm sorry, Siobhan, Tony wants that open.

-Excuse me?

-It's dark in there.

-Dark?

-Yes.

-Well, let's not...

-It's a door, right?

-Yes.

If it's a door, he comes out of that, duh.

No, I'm sorry, he expressly asked for it not to be shut.

-Let's not...

-OK, we've got 50 seconds here.

-I don't care.

That door gets closed or that guy's got nothing to come out of

and we just launched a train wreck.

I don't care, you are not shutting Tony Hall in the TARDIS.

-TV:

-Me!

-TV:

-Me!

-Right.

-Er, so...

-Brilliant.

-Fuck's sake.

-No, no, I'm sorry.

-I can't watch this.

-Erm...

No, this absolutely cannot happen.

No, I mean, it's an interesting one, isn't it?

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

AUDIENCE: Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

CHEERING

CHEERING

-Come out of there.

-Are you OK?

-Come out of there. Come out.

-SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

What the fuck?

-Tony?

-SHE BANGS ON THE DOOR

Are you actually in there?

So, yes, BBC Me is now live online and broadcasting to the world.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, we may be in the digital future but we are still the BBC.

Now, we were thinking Tony Hall, our Director-General,

might want to say something to mark this moment

but currently, as some of you might have already noticed,

and this is typical of him, by the way,

it looks like he's overshot and gone so far into the future

that he's left the rest of us temporarily behind.

-ALL:

-Yay!

We may well get him back at some point but in the meantime,

my name is Ian Fletcher, I'm currently Head of Values here

and I'll be your waiter tonight.

Yay!

I'm going to keep this really short.

I gather we've got some sort of dancing to do.

Yay!

So this is indeed a big moment, the start of an exciting new era.

But we're in this building.

"Nation shall speak unto nation" is what it says above the door,

so everything changes but nothing changes.

In fact, what it says is "Nation shall speak peace unto nation."

Yay!

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So, yes. So, BBC Me, It's You.

Of course we're in an age of great change and as time passes,

as people come and go, the Me will change and the You will change,

the technology will change but the thing at the centre of it all,

the speaking unto each other, that will remain,

and it will be more vibrant, more far-reaching

and more important than it's ever been.

-Thank you.

-Yay!

George!

With the time for speaking now over, it's time for something else.

For everyone, it's time to dance.

MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES: Power Of Love by Huey Lewis And The News

At last, after everything that's happened,

it looks as if a future of some kind for the BBC

is finally underway,

and perhaps, for the moment, that's all that matters.

Perhaps it's enough that the night is still young.

For the moment, tomorrow may seem a long way away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But exactly who will be in that tomorrow

and what it will hold for them if they are, no-one knows.

MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES: Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross

Only time will tell.