Episode 1 Walk on the Wild Side

OK, are we rolling? Yeah?

Hello, this is Outback News, and I'm Tim McKenzie,

reporting to you live from...

Oh, hold it there.

-Excuse me, mate. You're in shot.

-Oh, sorry. I'll get out of the way.

OK, no problem.

Am I out of shot now?

No, you're still in it. Keep walking.

-Am I out of it now?

-No, you're still in it.

-How about now?

-No. I'll tell you when you're out of it, mate.

-Keep walking.

-Now?

-No.

-How about now?

-Oh, someone get security!

-And now?

-No!

-Now?

-No!

-What about now?

-No!

-Must be out now.

-No, you know you're there, mate.

-Now?

-No!

-What about now?

-No.

-Now?

-No.

-OK.

Is this gorilla enough for you? Yeah?

Hey, Keith, Keith! Do that thing where you fart through your head!

All right, then.

FARTS

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, mate, that was wicked!

# You know it, you know it, You know it!

Hey, Keith, have you been eating tuna again?

Ha-ha, yeah!

Oh, I'm going to the surface for some air!

Oh, that's rank!

< Thank you for filling out the application, Mr... Bluebeard,

< is that correct?

Yar!

< OK. Address.

< "The five oceans and seven chartered seas vast and untamed."

< "That be my abode."

Yar!

< It says here your occupation is

< "a-blundering booty and imbibing hearty grog."

Yar!

< On the health questionnaire, you've put you have a scar from the

< "cursed cutlass of the Barbary villain".

Yar!

< And final question, can you say anything other than "yar"?

Nar!

< Next!

MUSIC: "Seven Nation Army"

SQUIRREL "PLAYS" PANPIPES

In some ways, and this is literally just off the top of my head,

I think I'm more...

I could be...

In some ways, I'm like Cher.

Oh, I'll tell you what,

I don't like that man who's just moved in next door.

Oh, he's really creepy.

THUNDERCLAP

Oh, hello! Could I trouble you for a cup of sugar, please?

I was getting chased one Tuesday morning,

and one of the cleaners left a tree lying around.

I suffered mild whiplash and couldn't type for a month.

'Have you been hurt or injured at work?'

Not your fault?

'Ever been bitten by a crocodile?'

Not your fault?

'Ever been knocked over by the sea?'

'Or fallen off a rhinoceros?'

Not your fault?

Well, here at Claims On The Plains,

we've helped thousands rebuild their lives after accident or injury,

and our team of experts could do the same for you.

I was working late in the sea one night,

and someone had left a killer whale lying about.

I felt humiliated.

Claims On The Plains took my case,

and I received a lump sum of 3,000 squid, and my dignity back.

Where there's blame on a plain, there's a claim.

Terms and conditions apply.

We will not pursue any action against the tiger community.

They're off! Away first time in the crab Grand National.

Sideways Glance shows early, then Nipping Boy.

Coming up is Giving It All That, then Delicious Dean,

and then Pincer Movement.

We have Crusty Crustacean, Soon To Be Paste,

and I'm Not A Lobster, Nor Do I Taste Like One is bringing up the back.

Giving It All That takes the lead from Sideways Glance,

and Nipping Boy is coming up. What's this?

I'm Not A Hermit And I'm Quite Outgoing shows for the first time.

He's coming out of his shell.

Just two furlongs to go,

and it's Giving It All That followed by Nipping Boy.

Crusty Crustacean almost fell there.

Pincer Movement a little shellfish there.

Onto the home stretch, it's Nipping Boy,

followed by Giving It All That, then Crusty Crustacean,

with I'm Not A Hermit making a scuttle from the back.

But it's Nipping Boy, followed by Pincer Movement

and Crusty Crustacean.

It's Nipping Boy. Nipping Boy takes it by a claw.

MUSIC: "The Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel"

Three, two, one, bungee!

Waaaah!

SPLASH

Wow! What a rush!

Oh, hey, I love ants, me. I'll have them in anything.

Ants on toast, ant lasagne, even had an Ant Kiev the other day, man.

Very exotic.

I once went to this place down in London, like,

and I had Queen ant risotto.

Oh, they are lovely.

Much smoother than your worker ants, but about ten times the price,

you know, but I couldn't have one every day, like.

Very rich. Much like the people who eat them! Ha-ha-ha!

MUSIC: "Yakety Sax"

Well, I suppose a lot of my anger issues come from the fact

I was the youngest.

My mum never really groomed me like she did with the others,

and I suppose I felt a little bit left out.

I see.

Then, of course, my sister went to Hollywood on the back of that

tea advert, my brother was Cheeta in the Tarzan films.

I just felt a bit of a failure.

OK. Vell, that is the end of your session today, Sebastian,

and I think we have made a lot of headway, ja?

But I will see you again next week, und... There is just this one thing.

Yes?

Well, if...

Yes?

-If you could perhaps...

-Spit it out, man.

If you could wear underpants next time, that would be good.

Oh, OK. Well, you're the doctor. Whatever you say.

Wait for it, wait.

It's coming up.

Coming up. Now!

MUSIC: "Chop Suey" by System Of A Down

It hurts a bit!

Come on, Linda. Take the photo!

Hang on a moment. I just need to wind it on. >

I can't find the button. >

You don't need to wind it on, it's digital!

Just hold that smile. You look lovely, Ron! >

Right, do I look through the hole or the little telly on the back? >

The little telly on the back. Now get on with it!

I can't hold this smile much longer!

Did it flash? >

Yes! Now check it on the little telly on the back,

and quickly do one for luck.

Oh, it's all blurry. You look like you're in a sauna. >

I'll do it again. Hold that smile. Oh, the red light's come on. >

You're doing a movie, woman! Click the switch back to camera!

All right, grumpy chops. Keep your scales on! >

Right, you ready? >

Yeah, and this time, get this lovely twig in.

So I was down the reef bar, Friday night.

I saw this octopus, I thought "Phwoar, nice legs!"

And being a leg man, I sidled straight up to her,

thrown some fierce moves, she's loved it, can't blame her.

Went to the bar, got her a spritzer, when I got back, gone.

Not bothered. Plenty more fish in the sea! Ha-ha!

# Ask me question, I tell you no lie

# Ask me no question, I play music. #

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

Two little ducks, 22. Quack, quack.

Eight and seven, 87!

Two fat ladies, 88!

Bingo!

Two and four, 24!

Bingo! Bingo! Over here!

Straight to heaven, 47!

-Bingo!

-< Bingo!

Oh, we have a winner!

What? This is a swiz!

Right, it's that time again. I've got a tough decision to make.

One of you will be fired.

I've consulted with my eyes and ears on the ground, Nick and Margaret.

It's actually Karen.

I'm talking now!

Simon, you were project manager.

Good project manager?

MURMURS OF APPROVAL

No complaints, no complaints.

-That's not what Margaret says.

-It's Karen. My name's Karen.

I won't tell you again. I am talking!

OK, I've made up my mind. Simon.

With regret, you're tired.

Thank you, Lord Sugar, but you're making a big mistake...

Nick, I think Margaret might need the afternoon off.

It's Karen!

She's acting a bit weird.

Argh, I can't get the jar open!

All right, Kev? How was work?

Que dia miserable! Estaba tarde, como siempre.

Al volver habia problemas en el tren.

Oh, Kevin, I didn't know you could speak Spanish!

No, nor did I! It's just come on.

Oh, I fancy you all over again! Do a bit more.

Eh... Smblmbplthmb pdrsmakpth...

No, it's gone.

You been to the barbers, love?

I see you took the picture of Elton John with you.

Yes, I did. They did a fine job.

# Don't let the sun go down on me! #

'Tonight, on Bingeing Beasts Go Ballistic,

'more sickening scenes of the antisocial mayhem that's shaming the

'natural world, and making certain parts of the jungle a no-go area.'

'This pie-eyed panda can barely stand, but is still having a pop.

'The reason for this madness? Someone spilt his bamboo.

'The black and white waster was so out of it,

'he ended up trying to start a fight with a tree.

'Talking of trees, these grogged-up goats have got themselves

'stuck up one after a heavy session.

'It might have been a laugh at the time,

'but they'll be shamefaced when the emergency services turn up.

'Muppets!

'It's just after closing time,

'and this mashed-up marsupial is itching for a fight.

'A flippant comment made by the roo on the right

'about the bagginess of his wife's pouch has pushed him over the edge.'

'His wife tries to pacify the situation, but the mouthy kanga

'that's caused this ruck just goads her own even more.'

'The situation is now out of control.

'Thankfully, a concerned rabbit has tapped out 999 on the jungle drums,

'and it's not long before the elite police tusk force

'arrive at the scene.

'With the threat of zoo hanging over him,

'this kangaroo will think twice before kicking off again.'

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, my word!

Flipping heck!

It's... It's...

Shelia!

Put the kettle on! We've got guests!

Is it the aliens again?

Yep!

Well, they're not coming in! They left a terrible mess the last time.

# Lets their wings unfold

Dave, take your headphones out. I'm stuck in the...

Dave, Dave. Take your headphones out.

Dave, I'm stuck. I've got my foot stuck. Dave!

Dave! Dave! Dave, can you take...? Dave!

David! Dave!

# ..loving angels instead. #

Dave, mate, I've got my thing stuck in the mud.

# Through it all...

# She offers me protection

Dave, take your headphones out!

# A lot of love and affection

Dave! Dave!

Dave! Dave! I've... ow!

Dave! Dave, come on!

David! David!

Dave! Dave!

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Shoot! Shoot!

GUNSHOT

Oh! I didn't think he'd do it.

MUSIC: "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder

# Isn't she lovely. #

Hmmmmm.

Can anyone hear that?

Yeah, it's coming from over there.

Hannah, are you humming?

Hmmmmmm. Mm-mm. Hmmmmmm.

Right, it's not Hannah, so where is it coming from?

Hannah, do you know where it's coming from?

Hmmmmmm. Mm-mm. Hmmmmmm.

It's annoying!

It's going to send us all mad.

Hannah, is it bothering you?

Hmmmmmm. Mm-mm. Hmmmmmm.

Ro?

Rowena?

Ro?

Ro-bot?

Kids?

Where is everybody?

Is it Wednesday today?

I'm sure it was Wednesday this morning.

They should be here if it's Wednesday.

Oh, now, this is weird.

Kids?

Rowena?

Hang about, this isn't my tree!

How stupid do I feel? There's my tree, next door.

I feel a right pudding-head!

What am I like?

This time you're on your own.

What if I miss it?

Just feel it.

I think I'm going to miss it.

Now!

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

Yeah! I got it!

You rock!

Thanks!

Here, Johnno, pull me flipper. I'm going to do one of me head farts.

Oh, Keith, no way, man. That last one made me gag.

Oh, come on, mate.

I've got a belly full of tuna, and a head full of fart, all right?

Oh, go on, then.

There she blows!

FARTS

Oh, Keith, I caught that one in the face!

# Yeah, you caught it, you caught it, you caught it. #

Keith, you need to let it go, soft lad.

Yeah, I did let it go!

I'm going up to the surface for some air. That's disgusting!

MUSIC: "All The Single Ladies" by Beyonce

We all looking so hot this evening, ladies!

Yeah, all we need now is some arm candy.

We need to get down Shimmers and get ourselves some fit footballers.

Oh, no, look who it is.

Hello, ladies. Looking fine on this fair evening.

Where are we all off to tonight?

-Go away, Colin.

-Yeah, get lost, Colin.

Well, nice talking to you, ladies. Probably see you later.

Probably won't!

How'd it go then, Colin?

Yeah, got loads of numbers, gave out a few raffle tickets

that I'll be cashing in later, if you get my drift!

Whoaaaa!

You always get all the good birds.

That's the Colinator 3000.

Not out in the shops yet. Laters, lads.

# At the copa, Copacabana

# Music and fashion Is always the passion

# At the copa...

Hey! Are you filming me in the bath?

Get out! Howay, man, I'm naked!

You'd better not put it on YouTube!

'Fur feeling too tight?'

Me fur's getting a bit tight.

'Hiding choccies in your pouch?'

It's for emergencies, mate.

'Wallaby fatter than you are?'

Oh, OK.

Then you need me, The Champ.

For the price of a packet of biscuits,

you can get my seven-day jumpstart weight loss programme.

It's on a DVD. It's not like your regular daggy workout.

Oh, no.

I can guarantee that after seven days, if you don't feel

like a ruddy rockstar, you can have your blinking money back.

But I'll say this - if it didn't work, you didn't try hard enough!

Suitable for all fat marsupials and mammals. Not fish! No refunds.

OK, everybody.

It's week one of our new production, Close-up Of Ross Kemp's Head.

So, like the great Houdini, I will dangle

high in the sky from a single branch.

Unaided.

But, unlike Houdini, I will stay here, not for one hour,

not for four hours, not 24 hours, but 25 hours!

For the next 25 hours, I will hang from this branch.

I will eat nothing. I will drink nothing. I will simply hang.

This is more than illusion, more than magic. This is daring magic!

I may die doing this. No-one has ever done anything like this before.

Hello, David. >

All right, Robert.

Aaaah!

Ugh!

Oh, you idiot!

Oh, this is very embarrassing. Oh!

MUSIC: "The Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel"

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Fliss, where are you?

I'm here, where are you?

-I'm here!

-Where?

-Here!

-Where?

-By the grass!

-The green grass?

-Yeah!

-Oh, hang on, I've got an incoming call.

-Jenny, are you here?

-Yeah, I can't see you guys.

Oh, I must get back to work. My lunch break's over.

Yeah, me too. Let's try again tomorrow.

Lovely not seeing you!

You too. Bye!

Hey, Darren, have you tried that new toothpaste?

Yeah, it's horrible. You sure it's not bubble bath?

Of course it's not, you idiot.

Norman, have you tried the new toothpaste?

No, it's disgusting. It's made my gums go all numb.

I've lost control of my lips!

I think it's nice. Minty fresh.

Goodness, that was a wonderful starter.

I'm bordering on full already.

But they were amazing.

Yeah. Very moreish.

That dip, it was magnificent. What was it? Garlic?

Houmous, I think. Lovely. Go easy on the sardines, Steve.

We've still got two courses to go.

I feel so bloated. Do I look bloated?

Hang on. I might just have one more.

HE COUGHS

Steve...

EXPLOSION

Whoa, pants on fire!

Crumbs. Whoa. Whoa!

That just happened!

Gentlemen, I see your friend has exploded.

Will you still be wanting your main course?

Yeah.

It's what he would have wanted.

Yeah, yeah. We'll have this, and then we'll tell his wife.

Very good, sirs.

Yes, Doctor.

As you know, my mother's domineering presence loomed large

over my formative years.

Mm-hmm.

Through the work we've been doing in these sessions,

I can now see that a lot of the problems

I face in forging relationships stem from that dysfunctional dynamic.

Zat is time, I'm afraid, Sebastian.

Next veek, ve vill vork through the break-up of your second marriage,

und, in the meantime, I have a question for you.

Oh, yes?

Erm...

Yes, Doctor?

Do you...?

Oh, spit it out, man.

-Do you possess underpants?

-Ugh!

Yes!

Boobs!

-You what?

-Sorry, did I just say that out loud?

Oh...!

What is left for me now?

Why did they cancel The Bill?

Oh, Sun Hill, how I shall miss thee!

SINGS THEME FROM "THE BILL"

Night-time.

Daytime!

Night-time.

Daytime!

Night-time.

Daytime!

Honestly, Gareth.

I'm not called Gareth any more.

What are you called now?

Night-time Daytime! New name!

It's been over a year now.

Night-time....

It's not going to catch on, you know.

I've got my own Facebook group. 470 members!

Daytime!

And I saw it come down, about 45 inches from goal,

and I am just belting it.

Looked up, it's gone straight past the keeper into the back of the net.

That is a contender for goal of the season, that is.

Last time we played that lot, that's when I got my hat-trick.

Oh, yeah, and we ran them all over the riverbank, didn't we?

I don't think they even got a touch first half.

They never. It was boys versus men.

Are you all right, Tom?

Er, no.

I think my wife's having an affair.

-Oh.

-Hm.

Are... Are we still top of the league?

Yeah, yeah. Goal difference.

Hm.

Right.

I've made my decision.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Andrew.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Is it all right if I go to the toilet, Lord Sugar?

No! I'm building up tension!

Thanks for the opportunity, Lord Sugar, but I'm desperate.

Hey, Jaymo. How's it going, brother?

Not so bad. Hey, like your shoes. Nice.

Do you think? I'm not so sure, mate. Bit showy, you know.

Got it off that eBay.

They're vintage, but there's no way they're an eight. Proper tight.

You've just got to break them in. They're always tight first.

Suits you, though. Really brings out the colour in your gorgeous eyes.

Aaaaanyway. You see the old football last night?

Great game, great game. You?

Yeah, I went down the disco, met a few birds.

I bet you did, I bet you did.

Let's not mention this again.

Yeah, deal, yeah.

Aaa-tchoooo!

Sorry about that one, there, pal.

Is that phlegm or venom?

It's phlegm, don't worry. I've just got a bit of a cold.

Starting to sting a bit. Are you sure that's phlegm?

Aye.

Well, you could at least cover your mouth!

With what? How?

Atchoo!

SNAKE COLLAPSES

Aye, it's venom, so it was.

MUSIC: "The Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel"

Hiya, love. You all right?

Yeah, just being silly.

Oh, what's up? You can tell me.

No, no, it's nothing. It's nothing.

Come on, spit it out!

Well, do you think my horns are a bit girly?

No, don't you dare!

Who's been putting silly ideas like that in your head?

Oh, just some of the lads at work, you know, they mentioned it,

saying they're not very manly,

and that even Barbara in accounts has got bigger horns.

That is ridiculous! You're all man.

You're my big, hunky sheep and I love you!

"You?" How are you spelling that? Like a female sheep?

Oh, there's no point talking to you when you're like this.

I just don't want the lads to think I'm not, you know,

manly and butch as the rest of them.

I tell you what.

Shall I run you a bath with lots of candles and put Buble on?

Oh, that would be smashing!

Can you make us a fruit tea, as well?

Course I can!

# ..People are the same...

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

# Learn to give each other

# What we need to survive

# Together alive

# Ebony

# And ivory

# Live together in perfect harmony

# Side by side on my piano keyboard

# Oh Lord, why don't we? #

-I love you, man.

-I love you too, man.

Oh, my word!

Goodness me. It's... It's... It's...

It's...

Sheila!

Are you decent?

We've got guests!

Is it the aliens again?

Yeah.

I'm in the shower. And anyway, they can't just turn up uninvited.

Well, I don't complain when your friends pop round!

Well, my friends don't leave a trail of green slime

and drink straight from the toilet bowl!

I've told you, Sheila! It's just their way.

Nice day today.

Think I might... Is that Alan?

Alan! Al! Alan!

No, I don't think you can hear me, you know.

Alan! Alan! Alan!

Alan! Alan! Al!

Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!

Alan! Alan! Alan!

Oh, that's not Alan.

It's Steve, that, Steve.

Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

Steve! Steve! Steve!

Hey-ho-hooo.

Oh.

Ooooh.

Oooooh! Hey!

Oooh!

Oh.

Oh-oh-oh!

Oooh! Oh!

Oh, I shouldn't have eaten that spacehopper.

MUSIC: "I Vow To Thee, My Country"

Is it videoing now?

Yes, Ma'am.

'Ello, you lot.

As you sit there, with the families,

with the massive dinner with all the trimmings and crackers

and the little sausages wrapped up in bacon, spare a thought for me.

I've had a very busy year,

and not all of it was going to the racing and giving out medals.

I had that silly business with my grandson dressing

up as a zebra to deal with in February.

I had to open a youth centre.

It was noisy, and they wouldn't let me have a go at their ping-pong.

It's been an annus baddus for Queenie!

So, yes, think on, before you start moaning about anything else.

It's not easy at the top, so, erm, Merry Christmas.

Ding, Dong, Merrily On High, and all that.

With love, as ever, your Queen.

Was that all right, Geoffrey?

-Lovely, Ma'am.

-Yeah, it was.

Oh, no, that's not Steve. That is Alan.

Alan! Alan! Al!

Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!

Did someone just say my name?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Did you say Alan?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd