Episode 2 Walk on the Wild Side

-Hello. Hello, there. You look nice.

-Ooh, I like your house.

What lovely knickknacks.

I think your should make more of a feature of your knickknacks -

they're exquisite.

We don't have any, but if we did, we would make a feature for them.

Lecture over. Cheerio. Bye.

Do I look awake? I feel awake.

I've had six coffees, a mochaccino and a biscotti. It cost a bomb!

I've spent a week's wages already and it's only 10:00.

Tell me about it. I've had seven coffees and a double flappuccino -

it cost loads. Worth it, though - I feel brilliant!

One more coffee each or we'll never get up tonight.

-Where are we going again?

-Stringfeathers.

-BOTH:

-Nice!

SHE YAWNS

Oops, sorry. No, I am listening - tell me more about your kids.

I can't believe this. Some friends they are.

They organise a party to celebrate

pulling through a triple bypass operation

-and not one of them shows up.

-Surprise!

Oh, my heart!

THUD

Yes, I thought that might be a bad idea.

Sorry, mate! (Call the ambulance.)

THEY LAUGH

No! That's good! I keep doing it!

-It's so funny!

-I know!

I know! It's hilarious!

-All right, once more... Once more. Are you ready?

-Yeah! Yeah!

-OK.

Picture the scene - one of us, right...

LAUGHTER

..walks into the bar...

LAUGHTER

..up comes the barman, who says, bold as brass...

LAUGHTER

.."Why the long face?!"

LAUGHTER

"Why the long face?!"

Whoo!

Eurgh, what a day.

Network crash, lost my wallet, phone's run out of battery -

couldn't get any worse.

Eurgh! Oh....

Cracking stuff.

So, here is Edgar Trolls, the Ghanaian, and a big crowd favourite.

He's been dominant this season - and he's over! He's almost over.

The bar there is at 42 centimetres,

which means a new championship record. He's still going.

He's making it look like a training jump, really.

Yes, he is still going - and he's over - a good, clean landing.

And the bar stays up! The bar stays up!

He's just clipped it on the way, but it stays up.

That's great, and the crowd are going wild, and so they should!

Yes, he had an enormous amount of expectation on his shoulders, but

he took the jump incredibly well - look at the effort on his face.

And it's a huge jump, really - he cleared it by a mile.

That's serious high jumping, that's what I'm talking about.

And deservedly, Trolls has got the gold.

Shouldn't have had that 12th coffee.

I can't blink any more and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

I don't get it. Mary had the same as me and she went to bed hours ago.

Tell me about it! I tried to go to bed, but rang one of those late-night quiz thingies.

-Name something a woman keeps in her handbag.

-What was it? A mouse?

That's what I said - then I said phone, lipstick, taxi numbers.

-What was the answer?

-Spatula. They're just making them up now.

Hello there. I'm Vernon Brooks, I'm your examiner for today's test.

Michael, how many times have you done the test?

-This will be my fifth time.

-OK. And you, Alison?

-I've failed four times.

OK, so you know what's in store. There's no need to worry.

You're holding position one really well -

we'll soon be ready to move off.

Remember to look all around you, give a clear signal,

relax, and then, in your own time,

just start flapping your wings really, really fast

until you take off.

In your own time.

Feel free to move off whenever you're ready.

MUSIC: "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce

RECORD SCRATCHES

RECORD SCRATCHES

And...in your own time.

Feel free to... pull out whenever you're ready.

-Hugh!

-What?

-Hugh!

-What?

-Question Time's on!

-Question Time?! Now?

-Question Time!

-Question Time?

-We're going to miss it! Who's on the panel?

I think it's Paddy Ashdown, George Osborne and Ross Kemp On Gangs.

-Sweet!

-Smashing line-up.

-Oh, no, wait - it's just an advert for it.

I thought it was a bit early.

Nailed it. Perfect blending.

Me, branch, branch, me - invisible to all.

Eh up - what's this on t'twig?

Oh, back to the drawing board, I suppose.

OK, the test is now complete, and unfortunately this time,

-it is a fail for both of you.

-Oh, no, not again.

I'm never going to get my licence.

I'm failing you both for not using your wing mirrors.

Oh, Richard - good to see you. How are the Spanish lessons coming on?

-Not too bad, thank you, Neil.

-Not long till holiday now.

-No, no.

-Dos weeks.

-You seem to be rattling through those language tapes.

-Yes, indeed, I'm on tape dos of three.

-Lovely stuff.

I hope you got a bargain -

-I hear it's a good time to book at the moment.

-I couldn't go wrong.

Dos weeks all-inclusive, dos-star hotel, dos hundred notes.

Lovely stuff. Are the kids going with you?

No, they're going to be staying at Carol's mum's,

so it's just going to be the dos of us.

-Well, if I don't see you, have a great trip.

-Muchas gracias.

HE SPEAKS IN FLUENT SPANISH

Pack it in, Rich.

Night-time...

Daytime!

Night-time...

Daytime!

Night-time...

Daytime!

-What are you doing?

-Having a game of Night-time daytime! You want to play?

No, you're all right - I've got an Xbox.

Ssh! Ssh.

MUSIC: "Spring" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi

MUSIC DRAWS TO AN END

-APPLAUSE

-Bravo, bravo!

-Oh, no - here he is, Jumping Justin.

-Good day to you, boys.

"Oh, look at me, I'm Jumping Justin. See how I prance, what, what!"

It's called style, Leonard - style! And you're a savage.

-"Oh, I'm Jumping Justin!"

-No, I'm Jumping Justin!

No, I'M Jumping Justin!

-You're all fools, goodbye.

-Ooh!

-He's cool, though.

-Yes, nice moves.

-I wish he'd hang around with us more.

-I really like him.

Oh, hello there. Welcome to the village.

-Glad to see someone's moved into the old vicarage.

-What? Why're you glad? Who are you?

I'm Lorraine, I'm on the committee.

Committee? What committee?

-I could organise some of the Scouts to clear your front garden for you.

-What's wrong with it? It's fine.

Yes, dear, but we've been voted prettiest village in the show

for the last 19 years, and it's that time of year again.

Prettiest village? Couldn't give two hoots. Hoot! See? Just one.

-That's all you're getting.

-Yes, but it's just that...

-Shut up!

-Well, I really think...

-Shut up!

-But the neighbourhood!

-I told you, shut up!

Well, what an awful skank!

-Si-i-id.

-Who's that?

-This is your conscience, Sid.

-What?

-You've been a very naughty boy, Sid.

-I ain't.

Leaving them banana skins on the floor so people slipped on them.

-No, I didn't. The bin bag, it ripped.

-bin bags?

-To dispose of biodegradable banana skins? You must be punished.

-What? No!

Ha-ha! Gets him every time!

MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

Ow!

Heh-heh!

Heh-heh!

-Oh, Kevin - that's a lovely tribute.

-I just miss him, Mum.

Karen! Karen! It's a Spitfire, love.

-Oh, have a listen to that.

-Oh.

Rolls-Royce Merlin 45 supercharged V12 engine - what a beauty!

I suppose it's better than his Morris dancing phase.

Can you come inside and wash your hands now, please, Cristiano?

Ah, Mum - can't Jamie stay for dinner?

-No, it's time for Jamie to go home.

-Oh, Mum, please?

-I said no.

Oh, Jamie's mum lets him stay out.

Well, I'm not Jamie's mum, am I? Jamie, come here, please.

I said go home!

Now, you, bath - now!

Dean, at last, where have you been? We're meant to be going out.

Sorry, Rach, but have I got a treat for you!

-Oh, no - what have you gone and bought now?

-Hear me out.

We're meant to be saving for the new nest.

But I got us something for the nest.

-Oh, OK - was it that bedding I showed you?

-It's better than that.

I've had a state-of-the-art, quadraphonic,

digital home-entertainment centre fitted.

Oh, no.

Bass! How low can you go?

-Check it out, Rach!

-It's hurting my head.

-That'll be the sub-woofer!

-Turn it off!

IT GOES OFF

Oh! Thank you.

-I thought you LIKED music.

-We agreed to consult on major purchases.

MUSIC GOES ON You what, love? I can't hear ya!

-It just keeps going off - I'll have to get it looked at.

-Gah!

OK, boys - plankton break over. Pull your fish fingers out, come on.

We have some scuba divers approaching.

You know the drill - everyone into position. OK...two, three, four.

Duh-duh.

Duh-duh.

THEY SING THE "JAWS" THEME TUNE

Louder, boys - louder! Give me fortissimo. More cello, Roger.

Use the gills. Brian, I love it! You're even scaring me. Andrew!

-Andrew, are you chewing?

-No.

Well, I hope you brought enough for everyone. Come on, spit it out.

OK, back into positions. And one, two...

-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh, yeah - going down Shimmers!

Oh, disaster - there's a massive queue here.

We're never going to get in.

Don't worry, Jenny put us on the guest list. She knows the bouncer.

-Oh, result - good old Jenny.

-Hi, I'm... Argh!

-Er, did you, like, totally eat my mate?

-Aye. What about it?

-Well, it was his birthday.

-Well, he wasn't on the list.

-He was.

-Jenny put him on the list.

-Oh. Was his name Andy?

-Yes, Andy Connor-Smyth.

-Yes, Jenny did actually tell us about him.

-Are you going to mention this to Jenny?

-Yes, I am - this is an outrage.

-Sorry, mate - that was the wrong answer.

-Uh!

Excuse me, I'm having a bit of trouble with my wing.

-I think it's broken. Can anyone help?

-Do I know anyone who can help?

GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS

Gather round, brothers and sisters! Join me!

Are you ready to receive the healing? Ready to receive the light?

Feel the power and feel the love.

If feeling the love is wrong, then I don't ever want to be right!

-I don't believe it! Look, everyone - he's healed my broken wing.

-Behold!

He believed and now he has received the healing.

-Hang on, it's still broken.

-Nonbeliever!

-Oh, no, it is working again.

-It's a miracle!

Pele, Kaka, Kaka, Kaka, Kaka! Kaka...

Kaka...

Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal!

Brazi-i-i-i-i-il!

ROCK MUSIC

What you looking at?

You want some? Eh?

Well, gertcha!

Why don't you take a picture?

Yeah, I was watching that Deal Or No Deal. You seen that?

Don't see no point to it.

Giving it all that, "Blue box, red box, banker, Noel Edmonds, eh?

"Bonkers, bonkers, it's Mr Blobby." Eh?

Rubbish.

Two little posh lads celebrating a birthday?

No, can't help you, officer. Eh?

Oh, Arnold - the brigade - the best years of our lives.

-Brigade is a wonderful place to be when there's no wars on.

-Here, here.

Gives a chap a sense of purpose - endless days filled with brekkie, bit of marching around,

showers, bit of lunch, round of golf, bath, 40 winks,

then down to the mess for G&Ts at 5:00. Bliss.

-That's the life.

-Arnold! Are we under attack?

-Quite possibly, Alistair.

-Quick!

Dust down my blunderbuss. Show yourselves, you cowards!

-How does my moustache look, Arnold?

-Fearsome.

-Good show. Thought as much.

Come on, Billy - everybody's going in.

Look, be a big, brave boy now.

-No, Mum - I'm scared!

-Come on. The first day of term should be exciting.

-You make lots of new friends.

-I don't want any new friends. They've got you.

Look, love - you can't live in my mouth all your life.

-You've got to fly the nest one day.

-Please, Mum?

-No, no, no. Let go!

-Come on! You'll be fine.

-I won't be fine!

I'll go to school, everybody hates me, they talk about me behind my back,

they say I smell and my neck wobbles when I talk.

-You have to go in, darling.

-But why do I?

Cos you're the headmaster.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, dear. He's trying to compose himself, but...

HE LAUGHS

Oh, classic.

John, I never thought I'd laugh so much. Big-nosed monkey snooker.

MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye

# I've been really trying, baby

# Trying to hold back these feelings for so long

# And if you feel like I feel, baby

# Come on, oh, come on

# Ooh, let's get it on

# Ah, babe... #

-Boo!

-ALL: Argh!

Ha-ha - gets them every time!

Oh, Wendy.

Wendy, Wendy - there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be

-right now.

-I know exactly what you mean, Stephen.

-You make me feel like it's just me and you versus the world.

-Wendy?

-Yes?

Wendy? Will you...?

-All right, lovebirds. Mind if I come and join youse?

-Actually, Phil...

-Wendy and I would...

-Thanking you.

-Ouch! Phil, we were actually...

Don't mind me. You won't even notice I'm here.

-When is he going to move out?

-He's your brother.

-Any of those Wagon Wheels left?

-MUSIC ON

-Sorry, Rach - we're going to just have to wait

-until the batteries run down.

-I'm leaving you, Dean.

-All right.

Two sugars, but only if you're making one for yourself!

And the Lord said go forth and spit, for you are llama, my child,

and spitting is in your blood.

And the llama did spit and cover all the earth with his spit.

And his wife did spit and his children did spit

and their children did spit.

And now, he says to us, spit, for it is your right.

-Blessed all that spit, for they shall know heaven.

-Speak up!

-Shh!

-Mum, quiet. I can't hear a word he's saying.

-Shh!

-Oi! Will you shut up?

-Did he say blessed are those that knit?

Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally.

It refers to anyone involved in the manufacturing of textile products.

-Oh, good - well, I'm in.

-You don't knit.

-Will you blooming shut up?

Language! And Terry, stop chewing so loudly.

I'll chew if I want to - I'm a llama. That's essentially what I do.

Yes, we chew and we knit.

-He didn't say knit, he said blessed are those that spit.

-ALL: Oh!

Oh, that IS nice.

-He looks like he's going to ask me.

-I think I'm going to ask her.

-I wish he'd just ask me.

-I should ask her.

-Why won't he ask me?

-What if she says no?

-I'm not going to say no.

-Come on, don't be a wimp - just ask.

-Be a man and just ask.

-Ask!

-Ask!

-Ask!

-Ahem... Do you like cheese?

-No.

Oh, dagger in the heart.

Oh, there's Emma - I might say hello.

Right, there's no-one around, I'm safe.

-SHE PASSES WIND

-Emma!

-Oh, typical.

This is typical. Hiya, Trace. Come on, clear! Cor, it's thick!

-Don't come up!

-Why?

-I've got chickenpox.

-It's all right, I've had it.

-This is the new one, from...Taiwan.

Oh, no - that's terrible.

Chickenpox, on top of your rancid bum burps?

You poor lamb.

All right, chief - word to the wise.

It's tough around here, so you've got to gain respect.

It's all about how you present yourself. You've got to look tough.

People see me on the street, they know not to mess. I'm menacing.

What you need is a proper tough walk.

Be lucky.

Be lucky.

Be lucky.

Oh, at last, he's gone. What a frightful imposition.

-No matter, dear. What were you saying?

-Yes, erm...

Well, this last year has been the most wonderful of all my life

and, well, I was wondering if you would do me the great honour of...

-of becoming my...

-All right, you two?

It's like Piccadilly Circus out there. I am rough.

I've eaten three nets of them BabyBels -

I forgot to take the wax off!

All red on my teeth.

MUSIC: "Africa" by Toto

# I hear the drums echoing tonight

# But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation

# Ba-dow, dow-dow

# She's coming in, 12:30 flight

# The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation... #

Oh, this guy is great! I love this song! Go on, sing it!

# Hoping to find some long-forgotten words or ancient melodies

# He turned to me as if to say

# "Hurry, boy It's waiting there for you..." #

Brilliant! That's why I hang around with these guys!

These guys know how to party!

THEY ALL SING THE CHORUS

# There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

# I bless the rains down in Africa

# Going to take some time to do the things we never have... #

Oh, this is brilliant -

I wonder if they're having this much fun down in India?

SITAR MUSIC PLAYS

Hot, isn't it, Rajesh?

Nah, boring.

# I bless the rains down in Africa

# Going to take some time to do the things we never have

# Ba-dow-dow-dow! #

So, I bet you get some strange requests.

It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes.

What's the maddest thing you've tattooed on someone?

-This one fellow wanted a tattoo of Ant and Dec on his bum.

-No way!

THEY LAUGH

What a numpty!

I couldn't remember which one went on the left or the right.

Some people are weird.

Hey, guys - you're back! Did you have a good migration?

THEY SIGH AND TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Absolute shambles...

Obviously picked up by some lowlife parrot...

So we had no idea where we were going...

-"I'm sorry, sir - I don't speak neo-Polynesian."

-Thank you, Iceland. Stopped by the volcanic ash...

-Ended up costing us for a fortune.

-And not one shred of evidence...

Act of God, they say, which I'd say is ironic.

-Well, that's the wrong use of ironic.

-Then, we came back to this letter from the council...

I wonder if they'd notice if I flew off backwards?

-None of that came up in the survey.

-Insurance null and void.

Need another holiday to get over the stress.

MASTERMIND THEME TUNE

Next, we have Gordon Croaker from Lilypad Downs.

Gordon, your one-minute general-knowledge round starts now.

The dish mainly consisting of melted cheese

on bread is known as Welsh...?

-Rarebit.

-Correct.

If you see a £5 note on the street, you should...?

Grab it.

How should you dispose of an important financial document?

-Shred it.

-Correct.

The two most widely used types of bank card are credit and...?

Debit.

In literature, the character Bilbo Baggins belongs to which race?

Hobbit.

What sport is played at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter series?

Quidditch.

-Which Manchester United defender also plays for Serbia?

-Vidic.

Which town in Worcestershire lies approximately 15 miles south of Birmingham?

Redditch.

The cartoon character Popeye...

-Spinach.

-Correct.

-Which city...?

-BEEPING

I've started so I'll...

-Finish.

-Don't push it.

Karen! Karen! It's only a Lancaster bomber, love!

Oh, pride of the fleet! Oh, the rivet work is a joy to behold.

When he said he was going to show me the Great Plains,

this isn't what I had in mind.

You are ruining this holiday for me, love.

MUSIC: "Feel So Good" by Barry White

# Feels so good

# You lying here next to me... #

HE SCATS TO INSTRUMENTAL SECTION OF "AFRICA"

# Hurry, boys It's waiting there for you! #

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC

It's telly for toffs.

'Ladies and gentlemen, can you please take your seats?

'Tonight's performance will start in four seconds.'

-Excuse me, excuse me.

-Shh!

-Excuse me.

POLITE APPLAUSE

Ooh, these are good seats.

Oh, the ballet. It's been too long.

MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE

Ah! Oof!

-Uh!

-Ugh!

GRUNTING

Next time, I'm bringing my own ice cream.

4.60 for three scoops? Someone's having a laugh.

Oh! A tragedy.

Such a beautiful love story.

4.60? Three scoops?

Oof!

APPLAUSE

-Bravo!

-Bravo!

Haunting. Brings a tear to my eye.

4.60?

Hot today.

Oh, I've blown a gasket!

I'm overheating.

Oh, there goes another one.

And another one! I am a write-off!

SNORING

PAAAAARP!

Oop!

Think I got away with that.

Explosion! Coming to the nation - strictly hard music!

DUB MUSIC PLAYS

Right, I'm home - where are my keys? I thought they were in me handbag.

Where's me handbag?

Oh, no - I've left it in the karaoke bar. Bill's going to go crackers.

This happened the last time I went out with the girls.

I'm going to have to get him up.

(Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!)

-Hey, can you keep it down out there?

-Oh, heavens.

-The kids are sleeping up here!

-Sorry. Sorry. Just one more try.

(Bill! Bill! Bill!)

Bill, man! BILL! BILL!

Right, that's it! I'm calling the police.

-The real police, or the monkey police?

-Monkey police.

Oh, that's all right - they're hilarious.

Hey, big man. A wee fly like me taking liberties in your head!

Leave it out, will you, man?

-What you going to do about it, ya big handbag?

-Just leave it.

-We dinnae want any trouble.

-Trouble? I'm not even a wasp.

-I can't even sting ye.

-Don't give him the satisfaction, Dougie.

-All right then, we're leaving.

-That's right, swim off to your mammy.

Coming up later on Wild Side 4, the inspiring story of Susan Gibbs,

the bird whose back was a synthesiser.

SYNTHESISER VERSION OF "POKER FACE" BY LADY GAGA

Susan has used her rare condition to bring joy to others, allowing

her keyboard back to be used by local musicians - free of charge.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah! This is awesome!

Let's dance! Yeah! I love festivals!

You know the first band's not on for half an hour?

Whatever! I've had two pints of cider! I'm king of the world!

Oh, I think I just twisted something.

Oh, brilliant, an injury - I'm so hardcore!

Be lucky!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd