Harry Enfield Walliams & Friend

Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.

The corporation has been put under a lot of pressure

to reveal what it pays its top earners.

So, for the first time, I will reveal the list.

Mary Berry's fee is one crate of Jack Daniel's

and front row tickets for Megadeth. LAUGHTER

Jeremy Clarkson only requested one thing -

a hot dinner.

And if it isn't hot,

he also requests an ice bucket for his fists.

Every series, the Hairy Bikers receive a pint of real ale

and a packet of pork scratchings...

to share. And they seem happy enough.

Aled Jones is not actually paid at all for presenting Songs Of Praise,

but he IS allowed to take home

as much lead from the church roof as he can carry.

Sir David Attenborough's payment is a VIP booth at Stringfellows,

where he can observe birds in all their glory.

So-called comedian David Walliams is paid

with an annual trolley dash around Dorothy Perkins.

But the biggest earner at the BBC is Simon Cowell,

who we pay £10 million every year to stay on ITV.

Enjoy the show. LAUGHTER

TV SHOW THEME TUNE

One has always wanted to know more about one's family tree,

which is why one decided to appear on this televisual programme.

LAUGHTER

-So, Your Majesty, I've been working through your family records.

-Yes.

And I found an entry here for your great-great-grandmother.

What was HER name?

LAUGHTER

-Queen Victoria.

-And what did she do?

-LAUGHTER She was the Queen.

-You're joking!

-No.

-Who'd have thought it? Little old one related to royalty.

-Yes, Your Majesty.

-And when was this Queen Victoria the queen?

She was the ruler of Great Britain and Ireland from 1837 to 1901.

So, in Victorian times.

LAUGHTER

Yes, Queen Victoria - hence the word "Victorian".

Ah, one learns something new every day.

And was she named after the pub in EastEnders?

LAUGHTER

-Records suggest it was the other way around.

-Ah, one sees.

And she was married to your great-great-grandfather.

And what was HIS name?

-Prince Albert.

-Was he named after the gentleman's piercing?

LAUGHTER

-Again, records suggest it was the other way around.

-Jolly interesting.

And their grandson was your grandfather, King George V.

And what did HE do?

-He was the King.

-Another one? You're having a laugh!

Goodness me. One's in danger of getting rather bigheaded.

One's family tree seems to be chockablock with kings and queens.

Yes. And he had two sons, the younger of whom was King George VI.

Shove off! From the King's Speech?

LAUGHTER

-That's correct. Your father.

-My father's Colin Firth?

LAUGHTER

No, Colin Firth played your father in the film.

-So, one isn't related to Colin Firth.

-No!

-That's a shame.

I would have rather liked to have had famous blood in the family.

LAUGHTER

One's really very glad one did Who Does One Think One Is?

This morning, one thought one was just an ordinary OAP

who liked a flutter on the gee-gees and a gin and Dubonnet.

I was always curious as to why everyone bowed and curtsied to one

and how one could afford to live in such an enormous house,

and now one knows.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

one has to go to the balcony and wave at the people.

One doesn't really know why, but they seem to like it.

LAUGHTER

We're not storming out, we're walking purposefully,

so no-one from the BBC has to resign.

LAUGHTER

Do you want longer lashes?

No.

Are you looking for that supermodel style?

Er, I'm all right, thanks.

Do you want guys to be dazzled by your sparkling eyes?

I think there's been a bit of a mix-up.

Do you want a mascara that's going to make you feel

like the hottest girl in the club?

I've come to mend a photocopier.

Then look no further than Lash Sensation from Coverstar.

LAUGHTER

I feel like a bit of a pillock, to be honest.

LAUGHTER

James has prepared roasted cod,

served with a tomato and olive salsa.

AS JOHN TORODE: It's light, it's fresh.

-The balance of the flavours is exquisite.

-Wow, thank you.

Very well done. Gregg?

Gregg?

-AS GREGG WALLACE:

-I ain't eating that!

LAUGHTER

-Why not?

-I don't like fish.

You had fish last night.

Yeah, fish and chips.

-This is the same fish.

-No, it's not.

It's got no batter on it. It looks like a fish!

LAUGHTER

Just try some of the tomato salsa.

-I'm allergic to tomatoes.

-Are you?

Yeah, I've got a note from my mum.

LAUGHTER

-You had tomato ketchup on your chips last night.

-Well, that's different.

-That's from a bottle.

-Well, at least have an olive and we can move on.

-No.

-Why not?

-I don't like olives!

-Have you ever had one?

-No.

Well, then how do you know you don't like them?

Well, look, they're green!

Just eat it.

Disgusting.

LAUGHTER

It's in your hand.

Eat it.

HE GAGS

LAUGHTER

Good boy for trying.

Matt has prepared a mango and duck curry with coconut and saffron rice.

LAUGHTER

-What's the matter now?

-It's foreign!

LAUGHTER

You eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. Where do you think that's from?

Croydon!

Look, the nice man's spent a long time cooking this for you,

-didn't you?

-Yes.

So, why don't you show him what a brave boy you are

and have a spoonful?

Come on.

Here comes the choo-choo train.

Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo.

LAUGHTER

-Did you swallow it?

-Mm-mmm.

LAUGHTER

-Do you feel that the duck and the mango complement each other?

-Mm-mmm.

LAUGHTER

JOHN SIGHS

-AUDIENCE:

-Urgh!

Carla has baked a red velvet chocolate cake

with mascarpone icing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is exquisite.

It's rich, it's nuanced.

-And it's got chocolate in it!

-LAUGHTER

-He likes chocolate.

-She should win. It's got chocolate in it.

Well, don't say that now. Keep the audience guessing.

Oh, yeah, but she should win. Well done, love, you've won.

LAUGHTER

Carla, tell us, how did you keep the cake so moist?

Well, the secret really is in the beetroot.

LAUGHTER

-The what?!

-I put beetroot in it.

Why did you put beetroot in a chocolate cake, you weirdo?

You liked it a minute ago!

Yeah, but I didn't know it had stupid beetroot in it!

Well, thank you, Carla. Thank you, contestants.

You've given us a lot to think about.

Like why would you put beetroot in a chocolate cake?

We're going to go away now and pick our favourite dishes.

-It's going to be tough.

-Because they're all disgusting.

And when we come back, we'll announce the winner.

-Can we go to McDonald's to decide the winner?

-Yes, OK.

I want a double cheeseburger but don't I want no gherkins.

-I'll take them out for you.

-Oh, thanks, Uncle John.

-Come on.

LAUGHTER

Ah...

-Good morning.

-Good afternoon.

-Is it that already?

-May we join you?

-That's very kind of you.

-Do I know you?

-No.

Just admiring a pretty young girl.

-I wouldn't say I was young!

-Oh, but you can't be more than 25.

Don't insult the lady, Maurice!

She's 24, if she's a day.

-I wish I WAS 24.

-21.

-20.

-19.

-81. I mean 18.

I've just turned 72!

-I don't believe it!

-I WON'T believe it!

-I SHAN'T believe it!

-I REFUSE to believe it,

even 50 years hence from now.

If any man dared to say you looked 72,

I should pop him over my knee,

pull down his panties and spank his bare bottom.

She looks 72.

LAUGHTER

-Nice to have met you both.

-Yes, of course, and here's my card.

-Do keep in touch.

-My number is here on the back, in Biro.

What for?

-TOGETHER:

-An afternoon of delights.

-Just the three of us.

And a digital camera.

-LAUGHTER

-There's another one.

-Do excuse us.

-Madam.

-Good morning.

-Good afternoon.

-Is it that already?

LAUGHTER

Opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return

with their brand-new album,

The Ultimate Jingle Collection.

Let Il Prima Donnas transport you to a magical land,

with their unique take on PC World.

# Where in the world?

LAUGHTER

-ALL:

-# PC World... #

-LAUGHTER

Tears will well in your eyes

when you hear Il Prima Donnas perform

that song off the Flake advert.

# Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate

# Tastes like chocolate never tasted

# Before... #

You'll be captivated by Il Prima Donnas' rendition

of this timeless classic.

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Marvel at Il Prima Donnas' breathtaking performance

of this much-loved song.

-# If you like a lot of chocolate

-Ah

# Join our club... #

Il Prima Donnas, The Ultimate Jingle Collection.

Includes 45 tracks,

giving you almost six minutes of musical enjoyment.

# Washing machines live longer with Calgon... #

LAUGHTER

BACKGROUND CHATTER

-Give me the nutronium crystals.

-Over my dead body.

-OK, cut. Excuse me.

-What, me?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, you just looked straight into the camera.

-I don't think I did.

You did.

OK, so just drinks down. Whatever you do, don't look into the camera.

-Got it.

-OK, let's try again.

-Give me the nutronium crystals.

-Over my dead body.

-Would you like any space nuts or space pork scratchings?

-Cut!

-I didn't look into the camera.

-You just made up some lines.

-What, they're not in the script?

-No, you're an extra.

-Extras don't have lines.

-Got it.

OK, let's go for another take.

Oh, I just think it's odd that I come in,

put down the drinks and don't say anything.

-I mean, the scene is about this space waiter.

-No, no, it isn't.

Well, it IS, and everyone will be thinking

what kind of space waiter is he?

Is he a good space waiter, a bad space waiter...?

-I don't think anyone's going to be thinking that.

-My mum will.

Most of our audience will be focussed

-on our lead characters here.

-What, these guys?

Can we swap him with someone else?

-Put him behind the bar where he's out of the way.

-Oh, promoted!

So, is it my own space bar or do I lease it from a space brewery?

None of that is important. You're just standing there.

-Holding my space nuts?

-No! You're just standing there, doing nothing.

-So, when do I look into the camera?

-You never look into the camera!

Ready.

-Action.

-Give me the nutronium...

-Time, please, gentlemen and aliens.

-Drink up. Thank you very much.

-Cut! Get him out of here!

Great working with you all. See you at the premiere.

OK, has he gone?

Good. Places, everyone.

-Action.

-Give me the nutronium crystals.

Over my dead body.

So be it, Cando Barra.

Argh.

Space doctor coming through.

He's dead!

The end.

Cut!

Nailed it.

BAFTA, BAFTA, BAFTA. LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT MUMBLING

Excuse me.

-Good afternoon.

-Good evening.

-Is it that already?

Remarkable, the beautiful young girls

you get in the audience for Pointless.

-Have we met before?

-No! We're meeting right now.

I know a gentleman should never ask a lady her age,

-but you can't be more than...

-35?

Gerald, don't be so impertinent!

It's quite clear this young lady is barely in her 20s.

-Actually...

-No, don't tell us! We'll guess.

-We're good at this. 22.

-21.

-20.

-19.

81. I mean, 18. LAUGHTER

-I'm 65.

-I don't believe it!

-I REFUSE to believe it!

-I SHAN'T believe it.

I will never believe it, not even until my dying breath.

And beyond. LAUGHTER

If any man dared to say you look 65,

I should drag him down to my cellar, handcuff him to the radiator,

pull down his trousers, pull down MY trousers...

-LAUGHTER

-..and thrash him with my belt.

-She looks 65.

-Oh.

LAUGHTER

If the sight of Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman in action

has got you in the mood then, by chance,

we've booked a junior suite at a nearby hotel.

-A Premier Inn.

-Just five minutes' walk away.

Or even quicker on your mobility scooter.

Room 014. It's ground floor, so no stairs.

And it has a bidet. LAUGHTER

Sorry, what's this for?

-TOGETHER:

-An evening of delights.

-Just the three of us.

And a web camera. LAUGHTER

Ding-dong!

LAUGHTER Woof-woof!

Excuse us, madam.

-Good afternoon.

-Good evening.

-Is it that already?

-LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

Tonight, on Arts Wipe,

we look back at the work

of the often emulated comedian Harry Enfield.

'Am I the greatest comic actor of all time?'

-I didn't ask you that question.

-It's not really for me to say,

but I'm probably up there in the top one or two.

Or one.

Did I ever think my characters and catchphrases would be quoted

in every school, street and factory floor in the country?

-I didn't ask you that either.

-Yes, I think I probably did, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What makes me so much better than everyone else?

-Didn't ask you that.

-My editing.

Every sketch that we recorded

that wasn't up to my extremely high standard,

I took the tapes and I hurled them in the skip

at the back of the BBC.

Never to be seen again.

LAUGHTER

So, is there any way I could get a temporary extension to my overdraft?

LAUGHTER

Typewriter says no!

LAUGHTER SHE COUGHS

Let me get one thing straight. I wasn't even a comedian back then.

And in all my years as a BBC skip removal man,

I never even saw those tapes. LAUGHTER

I sat down to watch this new comedy show.

I think it was called The Bald Man And The Unfunny One.

-Little Britain.

-The same thing. And I couldn't believe my eyes.

The vile little vermin had been through my skip.

-FALSETTO:

-I'm a transvestite.

-IN DEEP VOICE:

-A man dressed as woman.

LAUGHTER

I mean, is he seriously suggesting that I bought a small stepladder,

climbed into a skip,

retrieved some rejected tapes,

took them home, watched them,

copied down all the lines and then passed them off as our own?

I mean, I have no idea what the man's talking about!

Anyway, I would never copy Harry Enfield,

because I actually find a lot of his comedy very distasteful.

Now, today's sketch is getting you a new wheelchair.

I require that one!

But you always said it was wrong

to do sketches of people in wheelchairs.

You said there was a strong possibility

that even touching on disability could cause offence.

Yeah, I know. But it's OK cos I don't actually need a wheelchair.

Oh, that's all right then. Super.

LAUGHTER

-Didn't see a thing.

-LAUGHTER

The main thing about this Walliams or Wall-iams - I don't know -

is his career's taken such a nosedive,

he's ended up as a judge on a TV talent show.

Thank God he's not making sketch shows any more.

LAUGHTER

What, he IS? Guest stars?

God! Who'd be desperate enough to do that?!

LAUGHTER

-NERVOUSLY:

-Here, at Home Fix-it,

we, the staff, want to tell you

-all about our mega sale.

-LAUGHTER

Tile adhesive down to £3.99.

Hinges half price.

IN GRANDIOSE VOICE: Linoleum...flooring...

just £19.99...

LAUGHTER

..per roll. LAUGHTER

Screws, £1.99 a box.

20% off all radiator paint.

White...spirit.

99 pence...per litre.

Bottoms up.

LAUGHTER

Prices down on everything. All trowels £1 off.

LAUGHTER

This sale is madness!

It cannot last!

Buy this beautiful mop,

get this exquisite bucket absolutely free.

Free!

Freeeee! LAUGHTER

-ALL:

-All this weekend at Home Fix-it.

And bow.

And exit.

And solo bow.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Ooh, we're finally here.

We were looking for a parking space for the past hour.

You'll have to forgive my wife. She's prone to mild exaggeration.

It wasn't an hour, it was a mere 58 minutes.

Nice to meet you both.

Well, I'm so glad we bought Barbara a bottle of champagne.

Looks like everyone else had the same idea.

She's already got a dozen bottles.

11 bottles. I did warn you about the mild exaggeration.

So, do you know the birthday girl well?

Oh, yes, I've known Barbara for ten years.

-Nine years, ten months.

-I'm glad there's some food.

I haven't eaten a thing since breakfast.

She sucked on a toffee in the car on the way here!

Talk abut laying it on with a tiny trowel.

LAUGHTER

-So, what do you do?

-Me and Ken own Yappers,

which is the biggest dog grooming parlour in Basingstoke.

Biggest in terms of size,

second biggest in terms of dogs through the door.

Once again, my dear wife is exaggerating - albeit mildly.

We're very lucky. We live five minutes' walk away from work.

Five minutes' jog, seven minutes' walk.

But I'm very interested to know how YOU know Barbara.

She's overegging it. She's not very interested, she's mildly curious.

-Barbara and I met at Pilates.

-Oh, I love Pilates!

-I do it every single week.

-She missed a class on 12th March.

Me and Barbara are actually going on holiday next week

-to celebrate her birthday.

-Oh, lovely. Where are you going?

Skopelos, where they made Mamma Mia!

Oh, me and Ken went there for a fortnight.

The sun shone every day, there was a lovely variety of food to eat,

the local people were so friendly.

Me and Ken had a very romantic time.

It was 13 nights, it rained on the first day,

the lovely variety of food was meat souvlaki, fish souvlaki,

one of the locals was slightly grumpy

and, as for the romance,

we only did it once and we had to abandon the attempt halfway through.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Well, er, it was nice to meet you both, but I really should mingle.

Good idea. You run away.

-The wife witters on so, you'll be here till dawn.

-Till dawn?!

How dare you! Ken, stop exaggerating!

-I've told you 100 times!

-98 times.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

AS JEREMY KYLE: Welcome to middle-class Jeremy Kyle.

Today, we're going to meet a man with the neighbour from hell.

Please welcome to the show Humphrey Horton-Jones.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

So, Humphrey, tell us your tragic tale.

Well, my neighbour, Cassandra, hasn't cut her hedge recently

and it's casting a shadow on my conservatory.

LAUGHTER

That is absolutely despicable.

Let's bring out the selfish cow.

Cassandra, get yourself out here.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

You deserve that, you piece of scum!

LAUGHTER

So, Cassandra, your hedge is way out of control.

-This man's life has been ruined.

-Well, I wouldn't say ruined.

Shut up!

What are you going to do about it?

Come on, speak up!

-Well, I've already...

-Shut your face!

We've heard quite enough from you!

You know what? Of all the guests I've had on my show over the years,

you are the absolute worst.

What have you got to say for yourself?

The problem is the hedge is ten feet tall,

I'm short and I don't have a stepladder.

LAUGHTER

IN CHILDISH VOICE: "Hedge is ten feet tall, I'm short,

"and I don't have a stepladder." LAUGHTER

Very convenient!

Well, before the show today,

we sent Cassandra here for a lie detector test

and the results are in.

We asked her, "Do you own a stepladder?"

Cassandra answered, "No."

And the lie detector said...

LAUGHTER

She was lying.

LAUGHTER

I did say that.

I'm sorry, I lied about the stepladder.

I have low blood pressure. I get dizzy spells.

I was worried I was going to fall off.

You know what, Cassandra?

I think we're all sick to the back teeth of your lies and deceit.

I mean, is your name even Cassandra?

Do you actually own a hedge?

-She does.

-Yes, I do!

Hey, don't get a aggressive with me! LAUGHTER

Steve here will put you in a headlock, OK.

Thank goodness you're here, Steve.

Why don't I pop round tomorrow and bring my shears?

If I can borrow your stepladder, we'll be done by lunchtime.

Thank you so much. I could lay on some tea and sandwiches.

That would be wonderful.

You need to damn well man up and not let this bully -

cos that is what she is, a bully - walk all over you!

And you need to cut your OWN hedge!

I don't care if you fall off that stepladder.

-In fact, I hope you do, do you understand me?

-Yes.

-Shut up!

The two of you, get off my show before I kick you both in the balls!

LAUGHTER

Have a great day, everybody! Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE