Harry Enfield Walliams & Friend


Harry Enfield

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.

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The corporation has been put under a lot of pressure

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to reveal what it pays its top earners.

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So, for the first time, I will reveal the list.

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Mary Berry's fee is one crate of Jack Daniel's

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and front row tickets for Megadeth. LAUGHTER

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Jeremy Clarkson only requested one thing -

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a hot dinner.

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And if it isn't hot,

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he also requests an ice bucket for his fists.

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Every series, the Hairy Bikers receive a pint of real ale

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and a packet of pork scratchings...

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to share. And they seem happy enough.

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Aled Jones is not actually paid at all for presenting Songs Of Praise,

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but he IS allowed to take home

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as much lead from the church roof as he can carry.

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Sir David Attenborough's payment is a VIP booth at Stringfellows,

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where he can observe birds in all their glory.

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So-called comedian David Walliams is paid

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with an annual trolley dash around Dorothy Perkins.

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But the biggest earner at the BBC is Simon Cowell,

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who we pay £10 million every year to stay on ITV.

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Enjoy the show. LAUGHTER

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TV SHOW THEME TUNE

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One has always wanted to know more about one's family tree,

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which is why one decided to appear on this televisual programme.

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LAUGHTER

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-So, Your Majesty, I've been working through your family records.

-Yes.

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And I found an entry here for your great-great-grandmother.

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What was HER name?

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LAUGHTER

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-Queen Victoria.

-And what did she do?

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-LAUGHTER She was the Queen.

-You're joking!

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-No.

-Who'd have thought it? Little old one related to royalty.

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-Yes, Your Majesty.

-And when was this Queen Victoria the queen?

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She was the ruler of Great Britain and Ireland from 1837 to 1901.

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So, in Victorian times.

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, Queen Victoria - hence the word "Victorian".

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Ah, one learns something new every day.

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And was she named after the pub in EastEnders?

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LAUGHTER

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-Records suggest it was the other way around.

-Ah, one sees.

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And she was married to your great-great-grandfather.

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And what was HIS name?

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-Prince Albert.

-Was he named after the gentleman's piercing?

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LAUGHTER

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-Again, records suggest it was the other way around.

-Jolly interesting.

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And their grandson was your grandfather, King George V.

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And what did HE do?

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-He was the King.

-Another one? You're having a laugh!

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Goodness me. One's in danger of getting rather bigheaded.

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One's family tree seems to be chockablock with kings and queens.

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Yes. And he had two sons, the younger of whom was King George VI.

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Shove off! From the King's Speech?

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LAUGHTER

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-That's correct. Your father.

-My father's Colin Firth?

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LAUGHTER

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No, Colin Firth played your father in the film.

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-So, one isn't related to Colin Firth.

-No!

-That's a shame.

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I would have rather liked to have had famous blood in the family.

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LAUGHTER

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One's really very glad one did Who Does One Think One Is?

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This morning, one thought one was just an ordinary OAP

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who liked a flutter on the gee-gees and a gin and Dubonnet.

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I was always curious as to why everyone bowed and curtsied to one

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and how one could afford to live in such an enormous house,

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and now one knows.

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Now, if you'll excuse me,

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one has to go to the balcony and wave at the people.

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One doesn't really know why, but they seem to like it.

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LAUGHTER

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We're not storming out, we're walking purposefully,

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so no-one from the BBC has to resign.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you want longer lashes?

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No.

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Are you looking for that supermodel style?

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Er, I'm all right, thanks.

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Do you want guys to be dazzled by your sparkling eyes?

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I think there's been a bit of a mix-up.

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Do you want a mascara that's going to make you feel

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like the hottest girl in the club?

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I've come to mend a photocopier.

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Then look no further than Lash Sensation from Coverstar.

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LAUGHTER

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I feel like a bit of a pillock, to be honest.

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LAUGHTER

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James has prepared roasted cod,

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served with a tomato and olive salsa.

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AS JOHN TORODE: It's light, it's fresh.

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-The balance of the flavours is exquisite.

-Wow, thank you.

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Very well done. Gregg?

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Gregg?

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-AS GREGG WALLACE:

-I ain't eating that!

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LAUGHTER

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-Why not?

-I don't like fish.

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You had fish last night.

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Yeah, fish and chips.

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-This is the same fish.

-No, it's not.

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It's got no batter on it. It looks like a fish!

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LAUGHTER

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Just try some of the tomato salsa.

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-I'm allergic to tomatoes.

-Are you?

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Yeah, I've got a note from my mum.

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LAUGHTER

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-You had tomato ketchup on your chips last night.

-Well, that's different.

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-That's from a bottle.

-Well, at least have an olive and we can move on.

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-No.

-Why not?

-I don't like olives!

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-Have you ever had one?

-No.

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Well, then how do you know you don't like them?

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Well, look, they're green!

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Just eat it.

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Disgusting.

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LAUGHTER

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It's in your hand.

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Eat it.

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HE GAGS

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LAUGHTER

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Good boy for trying.

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Matt has prepared a mango and duck curry with coconut and saffron rice.

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LAUGHTER

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-What's the matter now?

-It's foreign!

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LAUGHTER

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You eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. Where do you think that's from?

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Croydon!

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Look, the nice man's spent a long time cooking this for you,

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-didn't you?

-Yes.

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So, why don't you show him what a brave boy you are

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and have a spoonful?

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Come on.

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Here comes the choo-choo train.

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Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo.

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LAUGHTER

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-Did you swallow it?

-Mm-mmm.

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LAUGHTER

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-Do you feel that the duck and the mango complement each other?

-Mm-mmm.

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LAUGHTER

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JOHN SIGHS

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-AUDIENCE:

-Urgh!

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Carla has baked a red velvet chocolate cake

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with mascarpone icing.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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This is exquisite.

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It's rich, it's nuanced.

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-And it's got chocolate in it!

-LAUGHTER

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-He likes chocolate.

-She should win. It's got chocolate in it.

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Well, don't say that now. Keep the audience guessing.

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Oh, yeah, but she should win. Well done, love, you've won.

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LAUGHTER

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Carla, tell us, how did you keep the cake so moist?

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Well, the secret really is in the beetroot.

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LAUGHTER

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-The what?!

-I put beetroot in it.

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Why did you put beetroot in a chocolate cake, you weirdo?

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You liked it a minute ago!

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Yeah, but I didn't know it had stupid beetroot in it!

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Well, thank you, Carla. Thank you, contestants.

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You've given us a lot to think about.

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Like why would you put beetroot in a chocolate cake?

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We're going to go away now and pick our favourite dishes.

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-It's going to be tough.

-Because they're all disgusting.

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And when we come back, we'll announce the winner.

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-Can we go to McDonald's to decide the winner?

-Yes, OK.

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I want a double cheeseburger but don't I want no gherkins.

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-I'll take them out for you.

-Oh, thanks, Uncle John.

-Come on.

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LAUGHTER

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Ah...

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-Good morning.

-Good afternoon.

-Is it that already?

-May we join you?

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-That's very kind of you.

-Do I know you?

-No.

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Just admiring a pretty young girl.

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-I wouldn't say I was young!

-Oh, but you can't be more than 25.

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Don't insult the lady, Maurice!

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She's 24, if she's a day.

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-I wish I WAS 24.

-21.

-20.

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-19.

-81. I mean 18.

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I've just turned 72!

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-I don't believe it!

-I WON'T believe it!

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-I SHAN'T believe it!

-I REFUSE to believe it,

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even 50 years hence from now.

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If any man dared to say you looked 72,

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I should pop him over my knee,

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pull down his panties and spank his bare bottom.

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She looks 72.

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LAUGHTER

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-Nice to have met you both.

-Yes, of course, and here's my card.

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-Do keep in touch.

-My number is here on the back, in Biro.

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What for?

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-TOGETHER:

-An afternoon of delights.

-Just the three of us.

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And a digital camera.

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-LAUGHTER

-There's another one.

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-Do excuse us.

-Madam.

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-Good morning.

-Good afternoon.

-Is it that already?

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LAUGHTER

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Opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return

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with their brand-new album,

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The Ultimate Jingle Collection.

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Let Il Prima Donnas transport you to a magical land,

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with their unique take on PC World.

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# Where in the world?

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LAUGHTER

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-ALL:

-# PC World... #

-LAUGHTER

0:11:010:11:07

Tears will well in your eyes

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when you hear Il Prima Donnas perform

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that song off the Flake advert.

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# Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate

0:11:140:11:21

# Tastes like chocolate never tasted

0:11:220:11:27

# Before... #

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You'll be captivated by Il Prima Donnas' rendition

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of this timeless classic.

0:11:350:11:38

# Do the Shake n' Vac And put the freshness back

0:11:380:11:42

# Do the Shake n' Vac And put the freshness back... #

0:11:420:11:44

Marvel at Il Prima Donnas' breathtaking performance

0:11:440:11:47

of this much-loved song.

0:11:470:11:50

-# If you like a lot of chocolate

-Ah

0:11:510:11:54

# Join our club... #

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Il Prima Donnas, The Ultimate Jingle Collection.

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Includes 45 tracks,

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giving you almost six minutes of musical enjoyment.

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# Washing machines live longer with Calgon... #

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LAUGHTER

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BACKGROUND CHATTER

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-Give me the nutronium crystals.

-Over my dead body.

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-OK, cut. Excuse me.

-What, me?

-Yeah.

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-Sorry, you just looked straight into the camera.

-I don't think I did.

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You did.

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OK, so just drinks down. Whatever you do, don't look into the camera.

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-Got it.

-OK, let's try again.

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-Give me the nutronium crystals.

-Over my dead body.

0:12:430:12:47

-Would you like any space nuts or space pork scratchings?

-Cut!

0:12:470:12:52

-I didn't look into the camera.

-You just made up some lines.

0:12:530:12:56

-What, they're not in the script?

-No, you're an extra.

0:12:560:12:59

-Extras don't have lines.

-Got it.

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OK, let's go for another take.

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Oh, I just think it's odd that I come in,

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put down the drinks and don't say anything.

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-I mean, the scene is about this space waiter.

-No, no, it isn't.

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Well, it IS, and everyone will be thinking

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what kind of space waiter is he?

0:13:140:13:16

Is he a good space waiter, a bad space waiter...?

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-I don't think anyone's going to be thinking that.

-My mum will.

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Most of our audience will be focussed

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-on our lead characters here.

-What, these guys?

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Can we swap him with someone else?

0:13:260:13:27

-Put him behind the bar where he's out of the way.

-Oh, promoted!

0:13:270:13:32

So, is it my own space bar or do I lease it from a space brewery?

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None of that is important. You're just standing there.

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-Holding my space nuts?

-No! You're just standing there, doing nothing.

0:13:410:13:45

-So, when do I look into the camera?

-You never look into the camera!

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Ready.

0:13:490:13:51

-Action.

-Give me the nutronium...

-Time, please, gentlemen and aliens.

0:13:530:13:57

-Drink up. Thank you very much.

-Cut! Get him out of here!

0:13:570:14:00

Great working with you all. See you at the premiere.

0:14:000:14:03

OK, has he gone?

0:14:030:14:05

Good. Places, everyone.

0:14:070:14:09

-Action.

-Give me the nutronium crystals.

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Over my dead body.

0:14:130:14:15

So be it, Cando Barra.

0:14:150:14:17

Argh.

0:14:170:14:19

Space doctor coming through.

0:14:200:14:22

He's dead!

0:14:220:14:24

The end.

0:14:260:14:28

Cut!

0:14:280:14:30

Nailed it.

0:14:300:14:31

BAFTA, BAFTA, BAFTA. LAUGHTER

0:14:310:14:35

INDISTINCT MUMBLING

0:14:350:14:37

Excuse me.

0:14:370:14:39

-Good afternoon.

-Good evening.

-Is it that already?

0:14:410:14:45

Remarkable, the beautiful young girls

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you get in the audience for Pointless.

0:14:470:14:50

-Have we met before?

-No! We're meeting right now.

0:14:510:14:56

I know a gentleman should never ask a lady her age,

0:14:560:14:58

-but you can't be more than...

-35?

0:14:580:15:01

Gerald, don't be so impertinent!

0:15:010:15:03

It's quite clear this young lady is barely in her 20s.

0:15:030:15:07

-Actually...

-No, don't tell us! We'll guess.

0:15:070:15:10

-We're good at this. 22.

-21.

0:15:100:15:13

-20.

-19.

0:15:130:15:15

81. I mean, 18. LAUGHTER

0:15:150:15:19

-I'm 65.

-I don't believe it!

0:15:190:15:22

-I REFUSE to believe it!

-I SHAN'T believe it.

0:15:220:15:24

I will never believe it, not even until my dying breath.

0:15:240:15:28

And beyond. LAUGHTER

0:15:280:15:30

If any man dared to say you look 65,

0:15:300:15:34

I should drag him down to my cellar, handcuff him to the radiator,

0:15:340:15:37

pull down his trousers, pull down MY trousers...

0:15:370:15:40

-LAUGHTER

-..and thrash him with my belt.

0:15:400:15:43

-She looks 65.

-Oh.

0:15:430:15:46

LAUGHTER

0:15:470:15:49

If the sight of Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman in action

0:15:490:15:54

has got you in the mood then, by chance,

0:15:540:15:58

we've booked a junior suite at a nearby hotel.

0:15:580:16:01

-A Premier Inn.

-Just five minutes' walk away.

0:16:010:16:05

Or even quicker on your mobility scooter.

0:16:050:16:09

Room 014. It's ground floor, so no stairs.

0:16:090:16:13

And it has a bidet. LAUGHTER

0:16:130:16:16

Sorry, what's this for?

0:16:160:16:18

-TOGETHER:

-An evening of delights.

-Just the three of us.

0:16:190:16:23

And a web camera. LAUGHTER

0:16:230:16:26

Ding-dong!

0:16:260:16:28

LAUGHTER Woof-woof!

0:16:280:16:31

Excuse us, madam.

0:16:310:16:33

-Good afternoon.

-Good evening.

0:16:330:16:35

-Is it that already?

-LAUGHTER

0:16:350:16:37

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LAUGHTER

0:17:540:17:56

Tonight, on Arts Wipe,

0:18:000:18:02

we look back at the work

0:18:020:18:05

of the often emulated comedian Harry Enfield.

0:18:050:18:09

'Am I the greatest comic actor of all time?'

0:18:090:18:11

-I didn't ask you that question.

-It's not really for me to say,

0:18:110:18:15

but I'm probably up there in the top one or two.

0:18:150:18:17

Or one.

0:18:170:18:18

Did I ever think my characters and catchphrases would be quoted

0:18:180:18:21

in every school, street and factory floor in the country?

0:18:210:18:24

-I didn't ask you that either.

-Yes, I think I probably did, yeah.

0:18:240:18:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What makes me so much better than everyone else?

0:18:280:18:31

-Didn't ask you that.

-My editing.

0:18:310:18:34

Every sketch that we recorded

0:18:340:18:36

that wasn't up to my extremely high standard,

0:18:360:18:38

I took the tapes and I hurled them in the skip

0:18:380:18:40

at the back of the BBC.

0:18:400:18:42

Never to be seen again.

0:18:420:18:44

LAUGHTER

0:18:440:18:45

So, is there any way I could get a temporary extension to my overdraft?

0:18:450:18:49

LAUGHTER

0:18:490:18:52

Typewriter says no!

0:18:550:18:58

LAUGHTER SHE COUGHS

0:18:580:19:00

Let me get one thing straight. I wasn't even a comedian back then.

0:19:020:19:06

And in all my years as a BBC skip removal man,

0:19:060:19:09

I never even saw those tapes. LAUGHTER

0:19:090:19:13

I sat down to watch this new comedy show.

0:19:130:19:15

I think it was called The Bald Man And The Unfunny One.

0:19:150:19:17

-Little Britain.

-The same thing. And I couldn't believe my eyes.

0:19:170:19:20

The vile little vermin had been through my skip.

0:19:200:19:23

-FALSETTO:

-I'm a transvestite.

0:19:250:19:28

-IN DEEP VOICE:

-A man dressed as woman.

0:19:280:19:30

LAUGHTER

0:19:300:19:32

I mean, is he seriously suggesting that I bought a small stepladder,

0:19:320:19:37

climbed into a skip,

0:19:370:19:39

retrieved some rejected tapes,

0:19:390:19:41

took them home, watched them,

0:19:410:19:43

copied down all the lines and then passed them off as our own?

0:19:430:19:46

I mean, I have no idea what the man's talking about!

0:19:460:19:49

Anyway, I would never copy Harry Enfield,

0:19:490:19:52

because I actually find a lot of his comedy very distasteful.

0:19:520:19:56

Now, today's sketch is getting you a new wheelchair.

0:19:560:19:59

I require that one!

0:19:590:20:01

But you always said it was wrong

0:20:010:20:03

to do sketches of people in wheelchairs.

0:20:030:20:06

You said there was a strong possibility

0:20:060:20:08

that even touching on disability could cause offence.

0:20:080:20:12

Yeah, I know. But it's OK cos I don't actually need a wheelchair.

0:20:120:20:16

Oh, that's all right then. Super.

0:20:160:20:19

LAUGHTER

0:20:190:20:20

-Didn't see a thing.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:220:20:24

The main thing about this Walliams or Wall-iams - I don't know -

0:20:240:20:27

is his career's taken such a nosedive,

0:20:270:20:29

he's ended up as a judge on a TV talent show.

0:20:290:20:32

Thank God he's not making sketch shows any more.

0:20:320:20:35

LAUGHTER

0:20:350:20:36

What, he IS? Guest stars?

0:20:360:20:39

God! Who'd be desperate enough to do that?!

0:20:390:20:42

LAUGHTER

0:20:420:20:45

-NERVOUSLY:

-Here, at Home Fix-it,

0:20:450:20:48

we, the staff, want to tell you

0:20:480:20:51

-all about our mega sale.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:510:20:54

Tile adhesive down to £3.99.

0:20:540:20:58

Hinges half price.

0:21:000:21:02

IN GRANDIOSE VOICE: Linoleum...flooring...

0:21:020:21:06

just £19.99...

0:21:060:21:11

LAUGHTER

0:21:110:21:12

..per roll. LAUGHTER

0:21:120:21:15

Screws, £1.99 a box.

0:21:150:21:19

20% off all radiator paint.

0:21:220:21:24

White...spirit.

0:21:260:21:29

99 pence...per litre.

0:21:290:21:33

Bottoms up.

0:21:350:21:37

LAUGHTER

0:21:370:21:38

Prices down on everything. All trowels £1 off.

0:21:380:21:41

LAUGHTER

0:21:410:21:43

This sale is madness!

0:21:430:21:46

It cannot last!

0:21:460:21:48

Buy this beautiful mop,

0:21:480:21:51

get this exquisite bucket absolutely free.

0:21:510:21:56

Free!

0:21:570:21:59

Freeeee! LAUGHTER

0:21:590:22:03

-ALL:

-All this weekend at Home Fix-it.

0:22:030:22:08

And bow.

0:22:080:22:10

And exit.

0:22:130:22:14

And solo bow.

0:22:170:22:19

LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:21

LAUGHTER

0:22:230:22:25

Ooh, we're finally here.

0:22:290:22:32

We were looking for a parking space for the past hour.

0:22:320:22:35

You'll have to forgive my wife. She's prone to mild exaggeration.

0:22:350:22:38

It wasn't an hour, it was a mere 58 minutes.

0:22:380:22:42

Nice to meet you both.

0:22:420:22:44

Well, I'm so glad we bought Barbara a bottle of champagne.

0:22:440:22:46

Looks like everyone else had the same idea.

0:22:460:22:48

She's already got a dozen bottles.

0:22:480:22:50

11 bottles. I did warn you about the mild exaggeration.

0:22:500:22:53

So, do you know the birthday girl well?

0:22:530:22:56

Oh, yes, I've known Barbara for ten years.

0:22:560:22:59

-Nine years, ten months.

-I'm glad there's some food.

0:22:590:23:02

I haven't eaten a thing since breakfast.

0:23:020:23:04

She sucked on a toffee in the car on the way here!

0:23:040:23:07

Talk abut laying it on with a tiny trowel.

0:23:070:23:10

LAUGHTER

0:23:100:23:12

-So, what do you do?

-Me and Ken own Yappers,

0:23:120:23:15

which is the biggest dog grooming parlour in Basingstoke.

0:23:150:23:18

Biggest in terms of size,

0:23:180:23:19

second biggest in terms of dogs through the door.

0:23:190:23:22

Once again, my dear wife is exaggerating - albeit mildly.

0:23:220:23:27

We're very lucky. We live five minutes' walk away from work.

0:23:270:23:30

Five minutes' jog, seven minutes' walk.

0:23:300:23:33

But I'm very interested to know how YOU know Barbara.

0:23:330:23:35

She's overegging it. She's not very interested, she's mildly curious.

0:23:350:23:40

-Barbara and I met at Pilates.

-Oh, I love Pilates!

0:23:400:23:43

-I do it every single week.

-She missed a class on 12th March.

0:23:430:23:46

Me and Barbara are actually going on holiday next week

0:23:460:23:49

-to celebrate her birthday.

-Oh, lovely. Where are you going?

0:23:490:23:52

Skopelos, where they made Mamma Mia!

0:23:520:23:54

Oh, me and Ken went there for a fortnight.

0:23:540:23:57

The sun shone every day, there was a lovely variety of food to eat,

0:23:570:24:01

the local people were so friendly.

0:24:010:24:03

Me and Ken had a very romantic time.

0:24:030:24:05

It was 13 nights, it rained on the first day,

0:24:070:24:10

the lovely variety of food was meat souvlaki, fish souvlaki,

0:24:100:24:13

one of the locals was slightly grumpy

0:24:130:24:15

and, as for the romance,

0:24:150:24:17

we only did it once and we had to abandon the attempt halfway through.

0:24:170:24:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:230:24:27

LAUGHTER

0:24:290:24:32

Well, er, it was nice to meet you both, but I really should mingle.

0:24:330:24:38

Good idea. You run away.

0:24:380:24:39

-The wife witters on so, you'll be here till dawn.

-Till dawn?!

0:24:390:24:44

How dare you! Ken, stop exaggerating!

0:24:440:24:48

-I've told you 100 times!

-98 times.

0:24:480:24:52

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:520:24:55

AS JEREMY KYLE: Welcome to middle-class Jeremy Kyle.

0:24:580:25:01

Today, we're going to meet a man with the neighbour from hell.

0:25:010:25:05

Please welcome to the show Humphrey Horton-Jones.

0:25:050:25:08

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

0:25:080:25:11

So, Humphrey, tell us your tragic tale.

0:25:130:25:17

Well, my neighbour, Cassandra, hasn't cut her hedge recently

0:25:170:25:21

and it's casting a shadow on my conservatory.

0:25:210:25:23

LAUGHTER

0:25:230:25:25

That is absolutely despicable.

0:25:250:25:28

Let's bring out the selfish cow.

0:25:280:25:30

Cassandra, get yourself out here.

0:25:300:25:32

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

0:25:320:25:36

You deserve that, you piece of scum!

0:25:360:25:38

LAUGHTER

0:25:380:25:40

So, Cassandra, your hedge is way out of control.

0:25:400:25:45

-This man's life has been ruined.

-Well, I wouldn't say ruined.

0:25:450:25:48

Shut up!

0:25:480:25:50

What are you going to do about it?

0:25:500:25:52

Come on, speak up!

0:25:520:25:54

-Well, I've already...

-Shut your face!

0:25:540:25:56

We've heard quite enough from you!

0:25:560:25:58

You know what? Of all the guests I've had on my show over the years,

0:25:580:26:03

you are the absolute worst.

0:26:030:26:07

What have you got to say for yourself?

0:26:080:26:11

The problem is the hedge is ten feet tall,

0:26:130:26:16

I'm short and I don't have a stepladder.

0:26:160:26:20

LAUGHTER

0:26:200:26:23

IN CHILDISH VOICE: "Hedge is ten feet tall, I'm short,

0:26:230:26:27

"and I don't have a stepladder." LAUGHTER

0:26:270:26:30

Very convenient!

0:26:300:26:32

Well, before the show today,

0:26:320:26:35

we sent Cassandra here for a lie detector test

0:26:350:26:39

and the results are in.

0:26:390:26:41

We asked her, "Do you own a stepladder?"

0:26:410:26:45

Cassandra answered, "No."

0:26:450:26:48

And the lie detector said...

0:26:480:26:50

LAUGHTER

0:26:520:26:55

She was lying.

0:27:000:27:01

LAUGHTER

0:27:010:27:03

I did say that.

0:27:030:27:05

I'm sorry, I lied about the stepladder.

0:27:050:27:08

I have low blood pressure. I get dizzy spells.

0:27:080:27:11

I was worried I was going to fall off.

0:27:110:27:13

You know what, Cassandra?

0:27:130:27:16

I think we're all sick to the back teeth of your lies and deceit.

0:27:160:27:20

I mean, is your name even Cassandra?

0:27:200:27:24

Do you actually own a hedge?

0:27:240:27:26

-She does.

-Yes, I do!

0:27:260:27:28

Hey, don't get a aggressive with me! LAUGHTER

0:27:280:27:31

Steve here will put you in a headlock, OK.

0:27:310:27:33

Thank goodness you're here, Steve.

0:27:350:27:37

Why don't I pop round tomorrow and bring my shears?

0:27:370:27:40

If I can borrow your stepladder, we'll be done by lunchtime.

0:27:400:27:42

Thank you so much. I could lay on some tea and sandwiches.

0:27:420:27:46

That would be wonderful.

0:27:460:27:48

You need to damn well man up and not let this bully -

0:27:490:27:53

cos that is what she is, a bully - walk all over you!

0:27:530:27:57

And you need to cut your OWN hedge!

0:27:570:27:59

I don't care if you fall off that stepladder.

0:27:590:28:02

-In fact, I hope you do, do you understand me?

-Yes.

-Shut up!

0:28:020:28:06

The two of you, get off my show before I kick you both in the balls!

0:28:060:28:10

LAUGHTER

0:28:100:28:14

Have a great day, everybody! Bye-bye!

0:28:140:28:16

APPLAUSE

0:28:160:28:20

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