Sheridan Smith Walliams & Friend

Good evening, I'm the Head of the BBC.

Due to some viewer complaints about swearing, I'd like to reassure you

than any offensive language in tonight's show has been substituted.

For example, some people find "bloody" offensive.

So, instead, we'd say "ruddy".

This is something we, the BBC,

must do to appease all those self-righteous duckheads.

The fact that we have to make these funking substitutions

is a steaming pile of bullfrog

and to me, personally, it's a giant pain in the aerosol.

After all, you only have to visit a pub or football terrace

to hear any Tom, Duck or Harry say,

"Funk this, funk that!"

"Kick him the bollards!"

Or, "The referee is a complete and utter tossed salad."

But, of course, here at the BBC,

the last thing we want to do is get on anyone's tittle-tattles.

Even if they are a whining fudgewit.

Now, duck off, you annoying winkers, and enjoy the trucking show.

Our kingdoms will become entwined

as our bodies may be in lust.

You bring out the dragon in me, Ingabord.

Then let us see how this troublesome beast...

may be tamed.

Cut.

OK, we're going to do the naked part now, so bring out the body doubles.

Right, how do you want me to start off, on me back or on all fours?

Who's that?

That's your body double. Mick.

I'm just going to line up the next shot.

-You're my body double?

-Yes, love.

You are joking.

-Well, it's good news for you.

-How's that?

Well, everyone will see my smokin' hot bod and assume it's yours.

Where's the director gone? Robert?

What's the problem, Amelia?

I'm Amelia.

You just look so alike.

I'm absolutely outraged that you would choose THAT as my body double.

-You're just jealous.

-I'm not jealous.

Please, Amelia, calm down.

Look, I know there's an elephant in the room....

-Don't call her that, not to her face.

-How dare you!

The elephant in the room is that your double is a lot younger.

And...thinner.

-And I got a better rack.

-No, you haven't.

You look like a gorilla, you're all covered in body hair.

Make-up actually stuck all this on me, to make me look more like you.

Right, that's it, I'll just do the nude scene myself, OK?

-What?

-It's just...nudity's a big part of the show.

What else are nerds are going to knock one out to?

They can knock one out to me!

-Ah...

-What?

Mm...

With the best will in the world it would be quite a struggle.

How dare you!

Amelia, we need to do a take. Places, everyone.

Right, let's keep this nice and professional, mate, yeah?

No getting over-excited.

HE GROANS

And...action!

Let's see how this troublesome beast may be tamed.

Oh, that's nice.

MOANING AND GROANING

Cut!

That...was...stunning.

Thank you.

Right, that's it.

I'm walking off the set. You can find someone else to play my role.

Good luck finishing the series without me.

What do I do now?

Will you consider taking on Amelia's role as Ingabord?

Yes.

But I would need a clause in my contract.

What's that?

I want to be nude at all times.

Sure!

-Let's go for a take.

-Right.

Good evening and welcome to What's She Cross About?

The game show that tests how much you really know about your partner.

Playing tonight are a couple who've just celebrated

their 20th wedding anniversary - Julie and Peter Evans!

-Welcome to the show.

-Hello.

-Hi.

So, Peter, you've got one minute to guess what your wife Julie

-is cross about.

-She's not.

-I am.

For everyone at home and our studio audience,

here's what Julie is cross about.

Right, peter, what's she cross about?

Is it that time I broke wind in front of your mother?

I thought that was her.

Is this about Megan from work?

-Who's Megan?

-Nobody.

30 seconds.

-Is it something around the house?

-Oh, it might be.

Is it that time I dropped your toothbrush down the toilet?

-What? When was that?

-I didn't.

-Time's running out,

we're going to have to hurry you. What is she cross about?

-Um...my internet search history?

-Don't know your password.

Oh, thank God for that.

Ten seconds. What's she cross about?

Too much time in the pub!

Too little time in the pub!

Telling you to vote Leave!

Peeing in the sink!

GONG AND KLAXON

Time's up. Julie, please put Peter out of his misery.

What are you cross about?

He left a wet towel on the floor.

When was that?

2012.

-Well, why didn't you tell me then?

-I shouldn't have to!

So, no points there, I'm afraid.

Time now to turn the tables as we play...

What's He Cross About?

For our viewers at home, let's see what Peter is cross about.

OK, Julie, one minute on the clock.

What's he cross about?

-Football.

-BELL DINGS

Correct! See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

DOORKNOB RATTLES

Ah, Mr Ballcock, it's you.

Your knob's a bit stiff!

HE LAUGHS

That's quite enough of that.

Now, I've had a number of complaints from female members of staff

who you've made very uncomfortable with your lewd comments,

and I won't have it in my factory.

Where will you have it, then?

HE LAUGHS

I've had dozens of women in this office...

I bet you have, you dirty old man! HE LAUGHS

..so you'd better change your ways or you'll be facing

a sexual harassment tribunal.

Sexual? Corr! Harassment? Phwoar!

Tribunal? Don't know what it means, but PHWOAR!

Control yourself, Mr Ballcock! One more lewd comment from you

and I'll be forced to take serious action!

Tea lady!

Oh, yes, come in, Miss Jugs.

Mr Stern, your knob's a bit stiff.

I've got a fresh pot of tea,

-would you like me to give it to you right now?

-Oh...!

Yes, I'd like you to give it to me right here on the desk.

Hm-hm-hm!

Mr Ballcock, would you like me to give you one?

Ahhhhh...!

Yes, he'll have a cup of tea.

How do you take it?

Ahhhhh...!

You're very quiet today, Mr Ballcock.

Are you feeling yourself?

Ho! Mmmm!

Control yourself, Mr Ballcock.

I said, are you feeling yourself today?

After seeing you, I'll be feeling myself later!

HE LAUGHS

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

-Mr Ballcock!

-I can't help meself!

Would you like to see my buns?

Oh, I've seen 'em already!

HE LAUGHS

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

Sorry there's no cream on them.

Oh, I'll squirt some cream on 'em later!

HE LAUGHS

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

Please, Miss Jugs! We've had complaints about you, too.

I'm trying to reform Mr Ballcock and you're making it harder.

It's hard enough already!

HE LAUGHS

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

Please, Miss Jugs, I'm not sure you're grasping this.

Grasping!

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

-Here's the bottom line.

-Bottom!

HE LAUGHS

If this doesn't stop I'll be pulling you both off the factory floor!

Pulling you off!

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

-You'll get the sack!

Oh, ball sack, nut sack, testicle sack, d'you get it?

Not as often as I'd like to get it!

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

Quite, the both of you!

I just want this factory to be a place where women can work without

having to deal with smutty remarks from the male members of staff.

BOTH: Male members!

THEY LAUGH

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

I'm doing this for you, love!

Did you just call me "love"?

Yes.

Mr Stern...

..I'm appalled at your sexism.

I thought we'd moved on from a patriarchal society

that denigrates women.

As a feminist myself,

I find it deeply offensive

that you'd use a patronising and archaic term such as "love"

to describe this crackin' bit of crumpet.

I apologise unreservedly.

I'd appreciate it if you'd keep this close to your chest.

Well, I'd love to keep it close to her chest!

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

-Breast!

-Oh!

Ladies' bits!

-Men's willies!

-Oh!

-LAUGHING:

-Saucy!

Opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return with their brand-new album,

Songs Off Of Children's Telly.

# Oh! Byker Grove!

# Oh, Byker, Byker

# Byker Grove. #

Opera lovers everywhere will adore the Iggle Piggle concerto

from the operetta In The Night Garden.

# Yes, my name is Iggle Piggle

# Iggle Piggle-wiggle-niggle-piggle

# Yes, my name is Iggle Piggle

# Iggle Piggle-niggle-wiggle-woo. #

Experience a once-in-a-lifetime operatic duet. Together at last -

Il Prima Donnas and Katherine Jenkins.

# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision

# Ch-ChuckleVision

# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision

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Il Prima Donnas' Songs Off Of Children's Telly,

available now, by the mince in service stations.

# Bob the builder

# Can we fix it?

# Bob the builder

# Yes, we can. #

Can you remember, like...

What?

Like, back in the day.

When?

Like, back in the DAY.

What was that game we was always playin'?

Game? What game?

You know, back in the day, that game we was always playin'

where we was, like, tryin' to find things.

-Oh, like hide and seek?

-Nah, nah, nah, back in the day, you know,

we'd be, like,

looking for them things in the garden and all over the streets.

-Oh, you mean, like, looking for eggs at Easter?

-No!

Like, back in the day, you know, and we'd be, like,

you'd be on your phone and you was tryin'

to collect them little monsters.

-Oh, Pokemon Go.

-Pokemon Go! That's it.

-Back in the day.

-Yeah, but, I mean, I wouldn't say that was, like,

-back in the day, that was, like, last week, innit?

-Yeah, last week,

like, well back in the day.

D'you remember back in the day what a ball ache it was to watch a movie?

Oh, what, like, goin' down Blockbusters an', like, get a DVD?

No, I'm talking, like, back in the DAY.

Oh, when you had to wait ages for, like, a movie to come out

an' watch it on the TV?

Nah, nah, nah, nah, I'm talkin', like, back in the DAY!

You know, when you be, like, sittin' on a bus,

you'd have to get your phone out your pocket and press play.

What you mean, like... watchin' a movie on your phone?

Yeah, that's it, you got it.

But that ain't back in the day, that was, like, this mornin'.

Yeah, this mornin', back in the day.

Well back in the day.

D'you remember, like, back in the day when was just chillin'

-and chattin' an' that.

-What, at my mum's house?

-Nah, I'm talkin', like,

-back-back-back-back-back-back-back in the day.

-Oh, in the playground.

Nah, nah, I'm talkin' back in the DAY!

You know, when we was, like, sittin' on this sofa,

but it was made of wood.

-D'you mean this bench?

-Yeah! That's it.

I've got, like, this memory of us sittin' on this bench,

talkin' about Pokemon Go.

No, that ain't back in the day, though, is it? That is NOW!

-Yeah!

-"Back in the day" is a long time ago!

It don't mean now, innit?!

All right, I got it.

D'you remember back in the day when you told me

-what back in the day meant?

-Oh, shut up!

APPLAUSE

Time now for round two - What's Different About her?

And for the viewers at home...

let's see what's different about Julie.

OK, Peter.

You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts...now!

-What's different about her?

-You've lost weight.

-No.

-You've put on weight.

-No!

No, you don't look like you have.

-Your rash has gone.

-What rash?

Um... Er...

-You've finally had your teeth fixed.

-No!

-Is it something to do with hair?

-You're getting warmer.

-You've waxed your moustache.

-No.

-You've shaved your ears?

-No!

GONG AND KLAXON

Time's up.

Julie, tell us, what is different about you?

I've gone blonde!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I was going to say that, yeah.

-What were you before?

-Brunette!

-Yeah, brunette!

I knew that, I knew that.

Julie, now it's your turn to play!

For the viewers at home, let's see what's different about Peter.

OK, Julie, 30 seconds on the clock. What's different about Peter?

-He's shaved.

-BELL DINGS

Correct! See you after the break.

FOG HORN

COUGHING

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

your entertainment for this evening - Miss Gina Ferrari!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you! Thank you all, ladies and gentlemen, and good evening.

It's a very special night tonight because I've been told

we've got a big, hotshot manager in the audience.

A big round of applause, please, for Mick Waterhouse!

"No pressure, Gina! Just your last chance at the big time."

OK.

# When you're alone and life is making you lonely

# You can always go... #

Just to say, Mick, sorry -

there's nothing wrong with working on cruise ships.

Some of the most talented entertainers work on cruise ships.

I'm just ready for a change.

# When you're alone and life is making you... #

Sorry, when I say "change", I mean, I am happy where I am.

Although I would pack this in at the drop of a hat

if I was offered a record deal.

I'd steal a lifeboat if I had to!

"Oh, come on, Gina, you're supposed to be singing, not prattling on."

OK, here we go.

# When you're alone and life is making you lonely... #

Oh, I meant to say, I've already got a big online fan base.

326 followers on Twitter.

If all them of them bought an album, tenner an album, you do the maths.

# When you're alone and life... #

Just over three grand. I did it in my head, see?

Not just a pretty face.

Got a business mind, too.

I want to be like Beyonce, running me own empire -

clothing range, perfume, leisurewear.

# When you're alone and life is making you... #

I mean, I'm not getting ahead of meself here, Mick.

I just know that deep down in my heart I've got something special.

# When you're alone and life is making you lonely... #

It came across a bit arrogant, that, didn't it? "Something special."

But those aren't my words. Those are the words of the Whitby Gazette.

Gave me two stars.

# When you're alone and life is... #

..out of three, not five.

That wouldn't be so good.

# When you're alone and life is making you lonely

# You can... #

Actually, the reviewer was a bit of an arsehole.

I mean, he used the word "flawless". How is that not three stars?

# When you're alone and life is making you lonely... #

But when I see an arsehole I call him an arsehole.

But don't think you couldn't trust me to headline the Royal Variety -

you could. No way I'd say "arsehole" in front of the Queen!

# When you're alone and life is making you lonely

# You can always go... #

Oh, that's it. He's off. Seen enough, have you?

"Too old, Gina!" Well, good!

Because I don't need you, anyway! That's right, go on, walk out!

Screw you, you...arsehole!

Sorry, what was that?

You're just going to the toilet? OK.

Sorry.

Well, I take that back. OK, we'll wait for you.

-MUSIC STARTS

-Wait!

MUSIC STOPS

Welcome back to Middle-class Jeremy Kyle.

Now it's time to meet a vicar

with the parishioner from hell.

Please welcome to the show Reverend Stevens.

So, Rev, tell us about this sickening turn of events.

Well, after Sunday service there's a rota

where one of the ladies of the parish bakes a cake,

which we all enjoy with coffee.

We take great pride in our baked cakes at St Christopher's.

Last week it was Meredith's turn and I'm pretty sure she brought a cake

from a supermarket and pretended that she baked it herself.

Despicable!

Let's bring out the evil hag!

BOOING

All right, let's not judge this turd of a woman just yet.

So, Meredith...

..tell us your side of the story.

I don't know why Reverend Stevens would say that. I did bake the cake.

Well, I ate five slices of it and I'm pretty sure it came from Tesco.

Well, earlier today, we sent Meredith here

for a lie detector test.

She was kicking and screaming but we strapped her into it anyway.

And the results are in. We asked Meredith, "Was the cake from Tesco?"

She answered, "No."

Our lie detector said...

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

..she was lying.

AUDIENCE GASP

It was from the Tesco Finest range.

-God forgives you.

-He might, but I don't!

OK, Meredith, I think we all know how this goes.

First, you pull off a shop-bought cake as your own.

Next thing we know, you're burning down the church, stripping naked,

covering yourself in goat's blood and praising the dark lord himself.

Praise be to Satan!

I really believe that what we need here is forgiveness.

Shut up, Reverend!

Or I'll get Steve here to smack you on the bottom

with one of your own hymn books.

Well, if that is God's will...

Shut your face! Right, this is what needs to happen -

YOU need to bake your own cakes! It's not hard.

Eggs, flour...

Just watch Bake Off. And you...

need to stop flirting with Steve. It'll get you nowhere.

He's bi-curious, at best.

Now get off my show

before I bake a cake and shove it up both of your arses!

If you'd like to be a guest on the show, just call the number below.

Goodbye!

APPLAUSE

Look at him.

Look at him.

That's my hubby, that is.

Hot, ain't he?

He should be in list of Top Ten Hottest Guys In World.

And I'm the luckiest girl alive.

Feel like I've won Lottery every day.

I wake up and I see him lying next to me naked.

And I say "Ooh, yeah, please, I'll have a portion of that!"

Ticks every box. Great conversation - tick.

Hot bod - double tick.

Smashing sense of humour - triple tick.

I only have to look at him and I know what he's thinking.

Just that lickle look and I roll with laughter.

Look, he's doing it now - look.

Stop it, you.

If you start me off, I won't stop.

Tough at times being with such an Adonis.

As you can imagine, when we go out I have to fight off womenfolk.

Holidays are worst, though,

when he's on beach in only his Speedos...

..giving the ladies a glimpse of his lickle wrinkly ball bag.

And all senoritas, they gather round to have a gawp,

they're like flies round shit.

"Who is he? Is he an actor?

"A model?" they ask. And I say, "No.

"That's my husband, Clive Stoat."

"Is he... Is he a model and pop star in films?" and I say, "No."

Actually, my Clive's currently unemployed

on account of his gangrene.

Not everyone gets to meet the perfect man.

Sometimes I think of all girls he could've had if he'd wanted.

Nicole Scherkinger.

No.

Angelina Jolly.

In your dreams, love.

Ry-anna, jog on.

Because Clive picked me - Bertha Stoat.

And he's made me happiest girl in world.

Ain't ya?

Right, come on, sexy.

Let's hoist you onto toilet.

We all have dreams as children

but very few of us get to see those dreams come true.

Trudi Funt loved playing with her dolls so much

she actually changed her name to Barbie.

This is the story of Barbie Funt.

I used to play with Barbie when I were a little,

up to the age of about, er, 27.

And, er, I always hoped that one day I'd grow up to be Barbie

and now I have -

a beautiful, real-life princess.

But this Barbie's dream hasn't come cheap.

Well, this were five grand.

These were two grand. These were a grand each.

This were ten grand.

Still saving up for this one.

Did cost a lot but I were dead lucky cos, er,

me nan got hit by a truck.

She left me all the money.

Thank you, Nanna.

I know she's looking down on me now right proud, thinking, "Nice tit."

Barbie Funt's obsession has made it hard for her to form relationships,

but she finally found a soul mate in local electrician Darren.

This is my dream man - Ken.

Darren.

If anything, he's more of a Barbie fan than I am.

I don't think that's possible, my love.

So I sold his motorbike and all his mum's furniture

and look what it paid for -

17 separate procedures.

And a lot of arse ache from the lads at work.

I made him have it all done -

teeth, highlights, liposuction, buttock lift,

breast reduction, nipple relocation.

But the one thing I love about a Ken doll

is that he's smooth as a runway down there.

Totally hairless. But he wouldn't do it.

So when Ken were asleep I immacced his privates.

She left it on too long. Hurt like buggery. Went red raw.

Having found her Ken,

this Barbie is now ready to live happily ever after.

And we're gonna get married.

Are we?

Yeah. It's gonna be the Barbie dream wedding.

We're gonna have a life-size princess carriage

pulled by four pink ponies.

You can't get pink ponies.

Just spray 'em, Ken. Use the paint left over from your van.

I'll be in a diamond-encrusted princess dress with a diamond tiara.

He'll be in a diamond encrusted thong.

You what?

Best thing is, just like the real Barbie and Ken,

we're gonna be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

And one day we'll have a little Barbie running round.

Well, what if we have a boy?

Well, these days there's procedures for that.

Welcome back. Time now for our quickfire round -

What Do You Love About Him?

Julie, you're first up, you have just ten seconds

to list all the things you love about Peter, as many as you can.

Your time starts now.

Er, well, we have a laugh together.

He's good round the house.

He always sends me for a curry on a Friday night, um, looks after me.

He's good with the kids, er, works hard,

we've been together for so long, he knows me better than anybody.

GONG RINGS

Seven things!

Let's see if Peter can do any better.

OK, Peter, you've got ten seconds and seven to beat.

What do you love about Julie?

Your time starts now.

Um...

Um... Um...

Um...

Her tits!

GONG RINGS

So, Peter managed one.

Technically it's two.

# Forget all your troubles

# Forget all your cares and go down... #

Sorry, I forgot to say the toilets on G Deck are blocked.