Meera Syal Walliams & Friend

Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.

As a public broadcaster,

it's essential that we avoid bias by always hearing both sides

of an argument. For example, any airtime we give

to a Conservative, we must also give equal airtime

to a crazy commie from the opposition.

If the BBC present a news piece about the royal family,

to avoid bias, we must also feature an antimonarchist,

even if they are a dirty, ignorant crusty.

If a documentary features the Archbishop of Canterbury,

we must also feature a nonbeliever, even if God will smite them down,

send them to hell and punish them for all eternity.

And if we have a man on to talk about serious issues,

like the economy or foreign affairs,

we're also obliged to let a woman appear

to gas on about shoes or diets or something.

LAUGHTER

Goodnight.

He's a hard-bitten cop, looking for a new partner.

She's a menopausal lady with a huge collection of Tupperware.

Together they are Good Cop, Indian Mum Cop.

Now, come on. You're on the bank's CCTV.

We find 400 grand in your flat.

You're bang to rights. Why don't you just confess?

Don't know what you're talking about, mate.

Oh, come on, Razor, I'm trying to make it easy for you.

So you've tried the good cop act, what you going to do -

try and get me to squeal with a bad cop?

You'll see. Come in.

He's all yours.

LAUGHTER

Hello, darling.

Agh!

What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!

Loafer, rapscallion, big girl's sari.

She's not allowed to do that.

I can do what the bloody hell I like.

I've seen your file. I've talked to your aunt.

Oh, yes, me and your Auntie Pat had a nice long chat.

You spoke to Auntie Pat?

Do you want to kill your auntie with shame?

Auntie Pat don't need to know about this.

Too late, Sonny the Jim.

And if she doesn't put you over her knee, I will.

Duffer! Dunce! No-bollocks Nancy!

-So, you ready to confess?

-Confess to what?

Confess to being a disappointment.

I'm not a disappointment.

Oh, really? Do you have a girlfriend?

-No.

-Aha!

My sister-in-law's cousin's daughter has been single for ever.

Do you like very big girls with monobrows?

Can we just get back to talking about the robbery?

This is a photograph of your bedroom,

where we found the 400 grand.

SHE GASPS

Argh! What's that for?

Look at the state of your room. Do you want to catch diseases?

When are you going to give your mother some grandchildren?

What's that got to do with anything?

It's got everything to do with everything.

Your poor mother, don't be so selfish!

She's the real victim here.

Well, I think the real victim's the bank.

Ow!

Tell me, Razor, are you eating properly?

-What?

-Oh, look at you, you're so thin.

You're wasting away.

Let me give you something.

We can't expect you to talk when you're hungry.

-No, no, I'm fine.

-Samosa?

-No, no, I'm...

-Pakora?

-No, I don't want nothing.

-Aloo tikki?

-No.

-Biryani?

-No.

Chapati, falooda, dosa, egg curry, bhindi, malak...

Twix?

-I'll have the Twix.

-Hey! Not for you.

Leave it alone. You're too fat already.

You are a bit lumpy.

Look at him. Wibble-wobble, wibble-wobble.

No wonder Priya didn't want to go out with him.

Razor, tell me, what are you planning to do with the money?

-What money?

-The money you stole.

You can't leave it lying around.

You really should put it into property.

My friend Sushma, she is selling her place.

-You know Sushma?

-No.

-Everybody knows Sushma.

Mercedes. One very big ear, one very small ear.

-I haven't got any money.

-I can get you a very good deal.

Three bedrooms, double garage, gas barbecue.

-I'm skint.

-Hot tub in the garden for your hot date with Priya.

-No, I haven't got a penny.

-It's only 400,000.

-She take cash?

-Got you.

Ha! That... is for stealing the money!

That is for not eating my food!

And this is for having filthy thoughts about Priya!

LAUGHTER

Get off him, he's not worth it.

You're two weeks from retirement.

-BREATHLESS:

-I'm all right. I'm all right.

We've got what we need, now take him away.

OK. Come on, darling.

Argh!

Where are you taking me, to the cells?

No, to the bank, to apologise.

Move away from the Twix!

Opera boy band Il Primadonnas return with their brand-new album,

Songs Of The Playground, including this tender ballad.

# Pick it, lick it roll it, flick it

# Lick it... #

Let them captivate you with their rousing rendition

of English Country Garden.

# What do you do when you want to do a poo

-ALL:

-# In an English country garden?

# Pull down your pants and suffocate the ants

# In an English country ga-a-a-rden. #

Witness Il Primadonnas at their most passionate as they sing

Yum-Yum, Bubble Gum.

# Yum-yum, bubble gum, stick it up the teacher's bum

# When it sticks, pull her tits then we'll all have Weetabix

# Yum-yum, bubble gum, stick it up the teacher's bum

# When it sticks, pull her tits then we'll all have Weetabix. #

Marvel at the epic love story of

star-crossed lovers Fatty and Skinny.

# Fatty and Skinny were in the bath Fatty blew off and Skinny laughed

# Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha. #

Listen in wonder as Il Primadonnas dig deep into their souls to channel

the heartfelt pain of diarrhoea.

# People think it's funny but it's really hot and runny, diarrhoea

# Diarrhoea

# People think it's funny but it's really hot and runny, diarrhoea

# Diarrhoea. #

Il Primadonnas' Songs Of The Playground -

the perfect album to give your loved one this Valentine's Day.

# My friend Billy had a ten-foot Willy

# And he showed it to the girl next door

# She thought it was a snake and she hit him with a rake

# And now it's only four foot four

# Now it's only four foot four

# Four foot four. #

I know, and it wasn't even that expensive.

So I thought, "Why not? Go on, treat yourself."

ENTRY BUZZER

Oh, it's here. Wish me luck.

Somebody order a malebot?

-Yes, that's right.

-Sign here, love.

Thank you.

So, where is he?

It's me.

Sorry, you're the pleasure robot?

-That's right, darling.

-Are you sure?

You don't look like a robot.

We are getting more and more realistic every day.

Oh, no. No, no, no, I think there's been some sort of mix-up.

The... The robot I ordered looks like this.

Oh, yeah, a lot of ladies do go

for that model, the Cristiano.

-I'm the Terry.

-But I want a Cristiano.

Well, you should have read your contract.

If he is out of stock, Malebot Inc endeavour

to replace him with a product that is similar

or higher quality.

And that's you, is it?

Yeah. It's like Ocado.

You order bog rolls and you get nappies.

But I don't understand why they had to make a robot so unattractive.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

I'll have you know, love, this ain't fat,

there's a lot of state-of-the-art technology packed into here.

And they had to put it all in your belly, did they?

No. Some of it's in me chins.

A lot of it's on my arse.

Right, now, get out the way. I want to have a sit down.

You really need to get a lift in a building of this size.

It's two floors.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Now...

..plug this in, will you?

-Where?

-Plug socket.

Oh, thank God for that.

Ohh. That's better.

Robot equivalent of a nice cup of tea and a biscuit.

Five minutes, I'll be good to go.

So where do you want to start, bedroom?

N-No. Thank you.

You sure? Rutting is my prime directive.

I've been programmed with over two sexual positions.

Well, actually, that is a step up from ex-husband,

but, no, sorry, never.

So why don't you cook me something then?

You do cook, don't you? I saw it on the website.

Oh, yeah, about that,

the truth is I deleted the cordon bleu cooking programme.

I wanted to record the West Ham game.

This really isn't working out, is it?

I would like to return you straightaway.

Sorry, love, you've already signed for me.

I just want you to go!

Listen, all us Malebot 5000s are programmed

to give sensitive emotional advice.

-Really?

-Yes.

Now, come on, Jenny, I sense hurt.

Let me in.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Terry, you're right.

I suppose you must have guessed by the fact that I ordered you

that there's a hole my life. After my marriage broke down,

I had a few relationships, but none of them seemed to last.

And I've tried internet dating, but men my age just aren't interested

in women my age. I suppose that's when I saw

your advert for the malebot.

And I thought you could be the answer to all my dreams.

SNORING

HE BREAKS WIND

Oh. Oh.

-NERVOUS VOICE:

-Here at Safe Savers,

our staff are proud to bring you unbeatable value.

-FLAT VOICE:

-Check out the cheese section,

where we have lots of cheap...cheeses.

Psst!

Art thou looking for great value sau-sages?

Then stop! Look no further.

Your quest is at an end, my friend.

Thou will never, ever find cheaper sau-sages.

We've got a great deal on bin bags.

Our price on all multipacks of crisps.

Check out the savings all over the store.

We will SAVE you £1.50 on beef-bur-gers.

Buy this curry sauce, get double Super Savers points.

Just out-of-date biscuits - half price.

50% off these chicken "nou-get".

Yorkshirean puddings,

mini cay-akes and chicken...

SATAY!

If thou thinkest thou canst get a cheaper deal elsewhere,

then you can take your money back!

Never darken the door of Super Savers again!

Super Savers.

-OTHERS MUMBLE:

-..never be beaten...

Our prices will never, ever be beaten.

And bow.

Exit stage left.

Encore. For me?

LAUGHTER

Good evening, and welcome to Election Debate Live,

where we have representatives from all the major political parties.

We'll start tonight with an audience question from Major Gerard Napier.

Ever since I was a young boy,

I've been a fan of the pop singer Justin Bieber.

And as a staunch Belieber,

I would like to ask the panel their view on the Bieb's hair.

Should it be combed forward or short and spiky?

Charles Edwards, Conservative.

The Conservative Party have always

had a clear vision for Justin Bieber's hair.

We want it back to how it was

when he first went viral on YouTube.

Combed or brushed forward!

Ruth Williams, Labour.

Typical. This just shows how completely out of touch

the Government is with modern Britain.

If you actually speak to the hard-working families

in this country - as I have -

they like Bieb's hair best when it was long on the top,

shaved on the sides and he looked like a lesbian.

What is Ukip's position on Justin Bieber's hair?

Let's have a reality check here.

When it was long, around the time of his collaboration

with Sean Kingston on the single Eenie Meanie,

J Biebs looked like a girl.

A very attractive girl, I'll warrant you.

A girl I would very much like to kiss, but a girl nevertheless.

A crewcut is much more appropriate. Short and neat.

At last, he looks like a man.

A man I would very much like to kiss.

With all due respect, no way should JB's hair be short.

If you actually take the time to sit down and watch the video for

Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh hundreds of times, as I have,

you'll see Justin's hair at its best -

silky and luscious and perfectly framing his adorable face,

which sits proudly atop his banging bod.

Now, the Conservative...

No, no, no, you've had your say, you've had your say.

Bieb's hair has to be Ross Kemp on the sides, Clare Balding on the top.

May I remind the panel they're not discussing

JB's buns, guns or killer abs tonight.

We covered those in depth last week in Norwich.

Before we move onto the next question,

I'd like to bring in the leader of the Scottish National Party.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, thank you.

We in Scotland feel there is much more pressing issues facing us today

than a Canadian pop star's hair.

Let him have it whatever way he wants.

As long as it's dyed ginger!

No way...

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

A group of celebrities who used to captivate their audience.

Now, their audience are holding them captive.

Will they ever be let out?

No. They should have read the small print.

This is the most degrading reality show on television.

Welcome to Celebrity Slammer!

3987.

Eamonn Holmes is receiving a visit from his TV

and real life wife Ruth Langsford.

You know, I'm beginning to think, love,

that it was a big mistake you signing me up

for this Celebrity Slammer.

Yeah, but your appearance fee paid for the most unbelievable holiday

in the Maldives. We had nearly three months there. It was fantastic.

-We?

-Well, anyway, doesn't matter.

But you are coming over so well on TV.

Ruthie, I just want to come home.

Listen, darling, you've only got three years.

Two years with good behaviour.

-Won't be long.

-I miss you so much, darling.

-Mmm, that's nice.

-I love you.

-Oh, that's really sweet.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, excuse me.

Hi, baby.

About half an hour. No, doesn't suspect a thing.

LAUGHTER

-Who was that?

-Oh, doesn't matter.

Listen, it won't be long now

I've got to go, but I'll see you, what, six months?

-Six months?

-Yeah, six months goes really quickly.

Listen, so proud of you.

Pretend children's book author David Walliams is in the diary cell.

If there is a plus side to Celebrity Slammer,

it's that it's had a profound effect

on some of the inmates.

Because we're all locked up, oh, 24 hours a day,

quite a few cellmates have turned to religion.

Jim Davidson has joined the Hare Krishnas.

Chris Evans is now a Buddhist monk,

he's shaved his head and taken a vow of silence,

which is a relief for everyone.

And of course Nigel Farage has converted to Islam.

Sorry, I shouldn't call him "Nigel" Farage. Muhammad Farage.

It's 4pm and Eamonn Holmes has returned to his shared cell.

Hey, I know what would cheer him up. We'll sing my favourite song.

Oh, good, let's have a go.

# ChuckleVision Chuckle-ChuckleVision

# ChuckleVision Chuckle-ChuckleVision... #

Have you always dreamed of living like a Celebrity Slammer inmate?

Then why not enter our premium rate competition now

and you could win these amazing prizes?

A monogrammed slop bucket.

A home-made knuckle-duster

confiscated from Christopher Biggins.

A year's supply of toilet roll.

And a two-week luxury stay in the Chuckle Brothers' cell.

Terms and conditions apply. Winner will be detained for a period of

up to 25 years. Winners must sleep between Paul and Barry Chuckle.

'I am not going to tell her. You should tell her.

'I can't tell her, she's six!

'You get in there and tell her right now!'

Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, darling.

Tell me what, Daddy?

Oh, what are you playing with there?

-Peppa Pig?

-I'm making a house for Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig.

Oh, well, what if Mummy Pig went to live

in the Peppa Pig house and Daddy Pig

went to live in the Peppa Pig car?

Why would Daddy Pig live in the Peppa Pig car?

Because he's looking for rented accommodation.

What's rented accommodation?

It's where Daddy Pig goes when he's upset Mummy Pig.

Why has Daddy Pig upset Mummy Pig?

I'll let you take over.

Oh, no, no, no, why don't you carry on?

You're doing so well.

Well, you know Daddy Pig is really good friends with Captain Dog?

LAUGHTER

Daddy Pig and Captain Dog were at a heating and engineering conference

just outside of Leicester.

On the last night, Captain Dog

knocked on Daddy Pig's hotel room door.

Was Captain Dog scared and wanted to sleep in Daddy Pig's bed?

Yes. Something like that.

Daddy Pig was scared.

But he was also heady with excitement.

Then, in the morning, Mummy Pig

called Daddy Pig's hotel room,

and Captain Dog picked up the phone.

And Mummy Pig was a little bit cross.

That's an understatement.

Why was she cross?

Because Mummy Pig went through Daddy Pig's text messages

and Daddy Pig had to admit that for the past six months

he'd be meeting up with Captain Dog in the Peppa Pig car.

When he said he was looking at tools in B&Q.

Well, now we know what kind of tool he was really looking at.

So are Daddy Pig and Captain Dog going to live together?

No. Daddy Pig was very upset

when he found that Captain Dog had a new best friend.

Called Raul, who he met on Grindr.

What's that?

I'll let Mummy explain.

I'll be in the Peppa Pig car.

Thanks so much for coming in.

Today we are auditioning for the News At Ten.

-Oh, right.

-We are looking to cast the people

who sit at computers and sort of mill around

in the background behind the newsreaders.

Oh, that will be really interesting for me, actually,

it's very different to the sort of roles I normally play.

-Oh, what have you done before?

-Oh, you know, a real range of parts,

women in sari shop, corner shop owner's sister, Indian prostitute...

Erm, woman in queue for Bollywood film, Mexican prostitute,

women being frisked by airport security, Osama bin Laden's wife,

woman in hat behind Ben Kingsley.

Oh, and I'm in the new series of Casualty.

Oh, great, who are you playing, one of the doctors?

Woman choking on poppadom.

Well, let's just look at this role today, shall we?

-Does the character have a name?

-Oh, yes, yes, she does.

She does. She is called...

"Woman Who Works In Newsroom (Racial Diversity Opportunity?)"

Ah, so, very simple.

All we need you to do is just walk into the background and pick up

-that piece of paper.

-OK.

OK. Action.

Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.

Tonight's lead story.

The Prime Minister was at the G8 summit today to discuss...

-I'll stop you there.

-Yeah?

That was a bit big.

-Was it?

-Yeah.

Oh.

-Why not just have another go?

-OK.

-Action.

-Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.

Tonight's lead story.

The Prime Minister was at the G8 summit today to discuss climate change...

Oh, my God, Clive, you've got to see this! It's awful!

SHE SOBS THEATRICALLY

-I'll stop you there.

-Yeah?

You know what I said earlier about being a bit big?

-Yeah.

-You're doing it again.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Yes!

-So...

I've got an idea. Let's try something else.

Basically, the focus is on the newsreader.

We just need you to be as real as possible.

So why don't you just go into the background

-and pick up the telephone as if a news story's come in? OK?

-OK.

And...action.

Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.

Tonight's lead story, the Prime Minister...

-Ring, ring!

-..was at the G8 summit...

Ring, ring!

Ring, ring!

Thanks a lot, I don't think this is for you.

Oh. OK.

Well, oh, it's fine.

I've actually got a heavy pencil on another job

-and there might have been a dates clash.

-Oh, what's the role?

Mixed-heritage prostitute.

-Good luck with that.

-OK, well, thanks for seeing me anyway.

Bye.

Stop right there. That was brilliant.

The way you just walked out, that was so real, so natural.

-Really?

-Yeah, just, just do it again for me.

-OK.

-OK.

-Action.

-Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.

Tonight's lead story...

LAUGHTER

-Like that?

-We'll let your agent know.

Your three o'clock is here.

Oh, what's his name again?

-He says it's...Gaz.

-OK. Send him in.

Oi, oi, it's Gaz!

Hello, Gaz. Well, your persistence has paid off.

Do have a seat. I believe you have an idea

for a new TV show,

so why don't I just let you dive in?

It's Saturday night, teatime, and your hosts are Ant and Dec.

Oh, well, everybody loves Ant and Dec.

So what's the show called?

-Ant And Dec's Saturday Night Piss-Up.

-Piss-up?

Ant and Dec come out, they have a bit of banter, usual stuff.

Ant says to Dec, "Oi, Dec, I hate your guts, you short prick!"

And then Dec lamps Ant. They have a bit of a ruck.

-They have a fight?

-Yeah, but Simon Cowells comes out,

breaks up the fight and then he does his catchphrase.

"Watch it, everybody!" And the audience all go, "Watch it, Simon!"

I've never heard him say that.

Yeah, you have. It's his catchphrase.

And then he starts singing the Macarena.

Does the dance and all.

# Oh, Macarena. #

-But Clarksons, he don't like it.

-Jeremy Clarkson?

Yeah, he's in it, keep up. And he's got a bazooka.

A bazooka?

Yeah, you can get them quite cheap these days.

And he's going, "Simon, stop singing."

And Simon's going, "Ohhh, Macarena!"

So Clarkson gets out his bazooka and blows up Simon Cowells.

Ad break.

Right, thanks so much for coming in.

-It was...

-Back from the ads and they clean up the bits of Simon Cowell,

they've exploded all over the audience.

Then who turns up?

I have absolutely no idea.

Holly Willoughbys.

And just for a laugh, she's got no top on.

Something for the dads and the grandads.

And she gives out the scores.

You know, that... That just doesn't make sense.

Why are there scores?

She says, "Simon Cowell's team has got no points,

"but Paddy McGuinness's team has got ten."

-Paddy McGuinness is there?

-Yeah, he's a team captain.

Keep up. And then there's a knock on the door.

Who's this?

It's Gary Linekers.

And Ant and Dec say, "Oi, Gary, you've got to eat that."

And Gary's going, "I'm not going to eat that."

And it's something really disgusting.

Something you wouldn't even want to put in your mouth, like...

hummus. Ant and Dec go, "You've got to eat it, Gary,

"or nobody gets their dinner in the jungle."

The jungle? The show takes place in the jungle?

Yeah, it's all in the jungle.

Keep up. And then they go over to Will.i.am,

who's sitting in this big red chair, all right?

And this bloke comes out and he sings a song

and the song's all right, and Will.i.am spins round,

he sees the guy and he goes, "Oh, no, I got a fatty!"

LAUGHTER

That all kicks off.

And then who slides down the pole?

Where does the pole come from?

Well, from the ceiling. Look. Who slides down it?

Noel Edmond. Yeah. And it's called Noel's Pole.

That was all my idea.

And Noel's got all these red boxes, but he's done a dump in one.

I have a very important meeting that I need to get to...

And then it's the big finale!

Michael Bubles comes out.

Bow tie, dinner jacket. He's had a shave.

And he wops his old fella out.

Something for the mums and the grannies.

And he starts singing his song.

# New York, it's a city what never kips... #

And he starts swinging his old fella round like a propeller.

But he don't get his balls out.

Because it's teatime and there could be kiddies watching,

and that would be wrong. And then who comes out of the Love Lift?

I really need to wrap this up right now, so...

Davina McCalls.

And she says, "Because of your donations tonight,

"we have raised a million quids."

Wait, the show's for charity?

No, all the money goes to me.

This is the worst idea I have ever heard. Get out.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

If you want, Bubles could get his balls out...

Out!