Episode 1 Watson & Oliver

CHEERING

Good evening, and welcome to Watson & Oliver. I'm Ingrid Oliver.

I'm Ingrid Oliver.

LAUGHTER

-You done your bit?

-Yes.

-And I'm Lorna Watson. Good evening!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Lorna.

-Yes?

-Trousers?

-I didn't have time.

-So you thought you'd just come on in your pants?

That's the decision I took, yes. I didn't want to miss my cue, did I?

Well, you did miss your cue, so...

Yes, but I didn't WANT to miss my cue.

Well, I can't argue with that kind of logic.

If it's that big a deal, I can go and get them. I know where they are.

No, you haven't got time.

I know, which is why I didn't put them on in the first place!

-Just like you didn't have time to do up your flies properly.

-What? Oh, God!

APPLAUSE

Enjoy the show.

Ta for seeing me. I couldn't turn to no-one else here.

I thought about going to Margaret at number seven, but she's got her own problems.

-What do you mean?

-Didn't I tell you?

Her daughter has been seen down The Crown with Joany's lad,

and not two months since she was stepping out at the dance

-with Keith Gordon from Beaulieu Street.

-You are kidding! Hold on a second.

Thought that'd shock you. Mind you, she's a wicked old bag is that Margaret Drummond,

and you're not safe from her fishwife's tongue.

She's called you common on many an occasion, and no mistake!

-I'll have her guts for garters!

-Pay no heed, Irene.

You know, you're the only one I can rely on.

I want to thank you for showing me such sympathy.

Any time, Brenda. Roger's been ever so unkind.

Left me without a second thought, and then last night he telephones to say he still loves me.

Yeah, what do you think of that?

I know, I can see you're horrified. Still loves me!

I'm as nonplussed as you.

What he's up to I don't know. Even says he wants to come back!

So just perhaps, Irene Leonard, you should be happy for me.

Maybe you should be sad.

But hark at me going on at you. That's men!

What do I expect you to say? You're like me, completely...

Oh, what would you call it?

Flummoxed. Yes, that's the only word for it, Irene. Flummoxed.

Discombobulated, that's what we are. Totally discombobulated.

How did me old French teacher used to put it?

"Entre l'arbre et l'ecorce." That's it.

But come on, Irene. This moping around isn't going to achieve anything.

Let's stick on an 'appy face and meet the world!

Hello, I'm Myleene Klass, and I done a Hear'Say.

Likeable.

OK, all units standing by. I don't want any false moves,

and nothing, I repeat, nothing, happens without my direct say-so, got it?

And, Steve, good work.

OK, team. Listen up.

Surveillance have confirmed that Reznikov has left the Pimlico address

and is en route to the pickup. This is it.

I want a visual of every single person coming in and out of that hotel.

-Chris, where are we at with the security overrides?

-Almost there.

Get there faster. We need everything in place before he arrives.

-Special ops are in position?

-ETA - three minutes.

OK. It's crunch time.

The success of this mission depends on each and every one of you giving 100%.

If we work as a team, we win as a team.

And remember, we've been building up to this for the last 18 months.

In 20 minutes, it will all be over, so let's make it count.

-Sarah, I'm just going to...

-Jenkins?

Yeah, is it all right if I just nip off a bit early, actually?

It's just I'm having a fridge delivered. Well, fridge-freezer.

Excuse me?

Well, they've already been once, and I wasn't there...

-SHE CHUCKLES

-..so I really should be there this time.

-We need you here, Jenkins!

-I know.

-You're not seriously going, are you?

-Is that all right?

-No! No, it's not all right!

Mmmm.

The thing is, I did only have half an hour for lunch.

It's supposed to be an hour, so...

Erm, good luck, everybody. Fingers crossed. All right?

-Sarah...

-Give me a minute.

-What are we going to do without Jenkins?

-I said give me a minute!

Jenkins, thank God!

Sorry, forgot my scarf!

Bye-bye! Bye, then!

97, 98, 99, 100.

Did you have a good day today, Wills?

Erm, yeah, yeah, it was a pretty good day, actually.

Cleaned out the chopper in the morning, erm,

-then I saved someone's life.

-Oh, well done you!

-Yeah, he was ever so grateful.

Then in the afternoon, I had high tea with the Obamas.

-Oh, I forgot they were in town.

-Yeah, yeah.

They were on really good form, actually.

-Did you send them my love?

-Yeah, yeah.

-They were really sorry to miss you. Michelle was, like, totally gutted.

-Oh, sweet.

So what did you get up to?

Well, this morning I opened a couple of hospitals,

and then I wore a new dress which people seemed to like quite a lot,

because they kept taking photographs of it.

In the afternoon I was guest of honour at a charity gala

for promoting child health issues in Africa.

-Oh, those guys are great!

-Yeah.

So a good day all round, then?

-Yeah, really good day.

-Great.

-Right, then, time for bed, I think.

-Yeah.

-Night, Wills.

-Night, Kate.

-Kate?

-Yes, Wills?

It wasn't as good a day as our wedding day.

-BOTH: Our wedding day!

-That was such a great day!

-It was such a good day!

I was so nervous, remember? I was trying not to show it,

-because there were two billion people watching. Seriously, two billion!

-What's that all about?

I was trying to keep things light-hearted, remember?

I was like to your dad, "Hey, don't worry about it. Just a small family gathering!"

Not! Remember when I tried to get into the car outside the hotel, and there was this screen up,

but you could still see me, but you couldn't totally see me,

and I was, like, "Oh, no, guys, stop looking at my dress! You'll ruin the surprise!"

Then Beatrice and Eugey arrived, and everyone wondered why Beatrice was wearing a pretzel on her head.

You couldn't get the ring on my finger. I was like,

"Everyone's going to think I've got really fat fingers now,

-"even though I literally haven't eaten for three weeks!"

-Yeah. Sausage finger alert!

Remember when your sister bent over to pick up your train, and everyone was like,

"Whoa, look at the arse on that!"

Because I don't. That is definitely not what I remember at all.

Have you changed your hair?

-Good night, William.

-Night, Kate.

Three full English, darling! One no mushroom, darling, one no sausage, darling. Yes, my darling?

-Service, darling!

-Service, darling!

-Bacon sandwich, please, darling.

-Coming, darling!

-Bacon sandwich?

We got white bread, darling, we got floury bap, we got toasted panini, we got baguette, darling.

-White sliced, darling.

-Ketchup, brown sauce, darling?

-Ketchup.

-Bacon sandwich with ketchup and white!

-And a cup of tea, darling.

-Service!

-Service, darling! One cup of tea, my darling?

-Coming, darling!

-That's £2.45, please, darling.

-£2.45?

-Yes, £2.45, please, my darling.

-2.45, darling.

-That's £2.45, thank you, my darling, and one cup of tea, darling.

-Service, darling!

-Service!

-Thanks, my darling.

-Thanks.

-Coming, darling.

-Yes, my darling?

-Three egg rolls, darling.

-Three egg rolls?

-That's right, darling.

-Service, darling.

-That's £2.80, please, my darling.

-Coming, darling.

-Egg rolls, darling.

-There you go, darling.

-That's £3, darling.

-Keep the change, darling.

-Service, darling!

-Thanks, darling.

-Coming, darling.

-Thank you, darling.

-Who's next? Yes, darling.

-Service, darling!

-Service, darling!

-Darling?

-Yes, darling?

-Any mustard, darling?

-Sorry, my darling. Kath, my darling?

-Coming, darling.

-Mustard, darling.

-Yes, my darling.

-Service, darling!

-Yes, my darling?

Full English, love, extra beans, love, and a cup of coffee, love.

Trish!

Yes, my love? Morning, my love! What can I get you, my love?

Hello, I'm Myleene Klass, and I done a classical.

SKILFUL PIANO MUSIC

Approachable.

(Oh, God.)

Mr Bridgewater, Sir Thomas.

Miss Deeps, Miss Rutherford.

You are returned from London, I see.

-Indeed. Our business there did not detain us long.

-Indeed?

-Indeed.

-Indeed?

-Indeed.

And what brings you to Whitborough on this fine summer's morn?

We are off to purchase pincushions from Mrs Pinkerton-Pye of Pippering Place!

-You see, I mislaid my pincushion, didn't I, Catherine?

-Yes!

-She's for ever mislaying her pincushions, aren't you, Lucy?

-Yes!

I could not retain ownership of a pincushion if my life were dependent on it!

GIRLS GIGGLE

THEY CONTINUE GIGGLING

I trust you'll be attending Brigadier Burnham's biennial ball at Banbury?

-But of course.

-I too shall be attending, Sir Thomas.

-Good.

-Our dance cards are as yet untroubled by a single name, Mr Bridgewater.

We've been saving our slots, you see.

For two very special gentlemen.

Yes, we eagerly await the filling of our slots by two very special gentlemen.

Splendid. Well, sadly, we must take our leave of you.

-So soon?

-We must away to London.

-Again? You have just come from thence.

-Yes, well, we must away again immediately. Good day to you both.

-BOTH: Good day!

Goodbye!

Oh, my God. They want it.

They want it, all right. They want it big time!

And I tell you what - we're going to give it to them.

Hey! I'm Candy.

And I'm April.

BOTH: And we're Hugh Hefner's new girlfriends! Yay!

SHE GIGGLES

So this is my bedroom, and as you can see,

I really played around with the colours in here.

So, we have light pinks, baby pinks, pastel pinks...

I'm cartwheeling!

..candy floss pinks, Barbie pinks, and, you know, pink pinks!

This is me when I did the July centrefold.

I'm the Statue of Liber-titty!

That's so cute, right?

-I know, right?

-Right!

So this is my favourite picture of Hef.

He's so adorable!

Look at me, upside down in my tiny shorts!

And even though he's, like, 102, he's still, like, really, really sexy.

Look at my boobs! They're upside down and on my face!

He's so hot that just looking at him really turns me on.

Yeah, he's so hot!

-We're both very much in love with him, right?

-Right.

KNOCK AT DOOR

< Where's my two favourite bunny-wunnies?

< It's a quarter to five, time for sleepy cuddles!

BOTH RETCH

< Hugh needs his sleepy cuddles.

BOTH RETCH

< Who's going to be the lucky girl tonight?

BOTH RETCH

I guess it's your turn, so...

No, because I did it last night, so it's your turn, right?

Right, but I think I'm coming down with something, so...

Right. I have toothache, so...

-Right. I have a fever.

-I have mouth ulcers.

-My glands are swollen.

-My gums are receding.

-I have conjunctivitis!

-I have gingivitis!

-I have bronchitis!

-I'm unconscious!

What? No, you're not!

Damn it!

< Come on, honey. Time for beddy-byes!

Coming, puffin!

< Don't forget my special pump!

SHE RETCHES

Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a bit of a treat for you this evening. I'm very excited.

So without further ado, please give a very warm welcome to a very special guest - Mr John Barrowman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hi!

Good evening. Hello, I'm John Barrowman, and thank you, thank you.

-It's so great to have you here, John.

-Thanks, it's really, really great to be here.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-OK. So, I've chosen the duet

-we're going to be singing at the end of the show.

-Hold on, we're doing a duet?

Because I thought I was doing a solo from my new hit musical called John Barrowman,

starring me, John Barrowman, written by me, John Barrowman,

with original songs by me, John Barrowman.

No. You see, I really want to get into musicals,

so you're here to help me showcase my vocal talents.

Oh. Oh, I didn't know you could sing.

-Oh! Oh, I can sing.

-Really?

Yeah. I sing all the notes.

C, B, E flat, W.

-Wow, that's quite a range!

-Thank you.

So, anyway, I've written a song especially for this evening.

I've highlighted your bits here.

-Also, is Lorna going to be involved in the finale?

-Oh, no. No, no.

No, Lorna won't be. It'll just be the two of us.

-OK.

-Yeah, it's not really her thing, to be honest.

OK, because I wouldn't want to do anything to upset anybody,

because John Barrowman doesn't upset people.

John Barrowman is a good man. John Barrowman is kind and sensitive.

John Barrowman makes people's dreams come true!

You don't need to worry about her, John. She hates musicals.

Yeah. She really doesn't want to be in a musical whatsoever.

-At all.

-All right, OK.

-OK? So...

I didn't get it! Unbelievable. Too old, apparently.

God, I love musicals!

Oh, my God! It's John Barrowman!

-Hey.

-What's John Barrowman doing here? I love John Barrowman.

He's so kind and sensitive. He makes people's dreams come true.

Yeah, well, Ingrid invited me to...

-OK.

-I called John Barrowman because I'm going to sing a song with him at the end of the show.

OK? Good.

You know, I really wouldn't want to get in-between anything here, if you know what I mean, OK?

-Oh, you're not in the middle of anything, John.

-OK.

So, anyway, I thought maybe if we just play around

with the harmonies a little bit, and then...

-Can I do a duet with you, please?

-You know, I'd love to, but...

-John, focus, please!

-We need to rehearse right now. Come on.

-OK.

-I'm so sorry.

-John!

-I'll see you later.

Maybe one day I'll be in a musical.

Maybe one day I'll get the chance to sing.

-# I...

-Psst!

-John, what are you doing?

-Oh, it's no problem.

Listen, I think I left my wallet.

Psst, Lorna! Quick, huddle up!

OK. I think I've found a way to work you into the finale.

Great! Thanks, John!

You're welcome.

-OK.

-Here's your wallet.

Thank you very much.

-Lorna.

-Yes?

There was £20 in this wallet.

-I was going to buy tap shoes with that.

-Sorry.

Selfish.

Tidy that cell, Matthews.

Grow up, Jeffries!

Oh, no.

-Oh, no!

-Off we go!

-Here she comes!

-There she is!

-Here I am!

-There's trouble!

-Don't you start!

-Someone's off!

-There she is!

Morning, mischief. You had your breakfast, then?

-I've had my breakfast. You had yours?

-Cheeky!

-I bet you have!

-That's not what I heard.

-Oh, yeah?

-What you had, then?

-Porridge.

-Porridge, is it?

No, thanks, I've already eaten!

Oh, dear!

S, what you up to today, then? Doing anything nice?

-Don't mind if I do!

-Oh, yeah? Got plans, have you?

I'm going on holiday, ain't I?

Going on holiday, are you? Go on, where you off to?

-Tuscany.

-Going to Tuscany, are you?

-I'm going to Tuscany, are you going to Tuscany?

-As the actress said to the bishop.

-Oh, bishop, is it? What bishop's that, then?

Wouldn't you like to know!

BOTH CHUCKLE

No, seriously, pet. What are you doing today?

Oh, I thought I'd just sit in my cell.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I could pop by later if you fancy some company.

I can't, I've got slops duty.

Oh, yeah, of course, slops. I forgot it was Monday.

-Well, I've got cell inspections and that, anyway, so...

-Yeah, yeah.

-All right, well, I'll see you later, pet.

-See you later. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

-Oh, no.

-Oh, no!

-She's off again!

-Here we go!

-There she is!

-Here it comes!

-I'll see you later, trouble.

-Not if I see you first!

Oh, dear. What is she like?

Good evening, and welcome to Question Hour.

Tonight, we come from the historic town of Hastings,

and with me on the panel, ready to answer the questions you want answering,

Shadow Chancellor Sarah Lane, Peter Damon, columnist for the Guardian,

and Junior Minister for Health, Justin Tooth.

Unfortunately, because of transport strikes,

not all our audience could be here tonight,

but I'm sure we'll have an excellent debate regardless.

And our first question comes from Karen Wainwright.

Oh, hello! Erm...yes...

Why doesn't the moon marry the sun?

Why doesn't the moon marry the sun?

Interesting question, but are you sure you don't want to ask something more topical,

like about today's strike, for instance?

No, I'd like to stick with my original question, please.

Why doesn't the moon marry the sun? Would anyone like to...?

No, no-one wants to answer that question.

OK, we'll move on to the next question,

which comes from Miss Karen Wainwright.

Yes. What are these?

Peter Damon, we'll start with you.

Why doesn't the moon marry the sun?

No, we're not on that question now.

Trust me, they're not going to answer the other one.

Have we had any more arrivals yet? No?

-OK. On to the next question, which is from...

-Yes.

Who would win in a fight between a silverback gorilla and some cheese?

Sarah Lane, today's transport strikes will cause more harm than good to those taking part.

-Do you agree?

-Yes, I quite agree. You see, ordinary...

-Sorry, we're not on that one now.

-I'm allowed to rephrase a little.

-But that wasn't even close.

But no matter, I've got lots more questions.

-Oh, have you(?)

-Yes.

Why don't we actually bake Alaska?

Unless you got a question that's something we can actually answer, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Very well. Then I have a question for this lady here.

How exactly do you become a sound person?

Next week's programme will be coming from Rhyl,

where we WILL have an audience, or I will be booking myself into a spa.

What's the time, Mr Wolf? What's the square root of Tuesday?

Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that hat?

Hello, I'm Myleene Klass, and I done a jungle.

And then I done a presenting!

And then I done a modelling!

I've pretty much done it all, really!

Girl-next-door.

# I've never seen a face

# As perfect as the one I'm seeing now

# Her cheekbones so defined

# Her skin tone so sublime

# She's like a swan

# Or a very successful international supermodel

# Her beauty makes me tingle

# I can't believe she's still single... #

Neither can I.

# She's the one

-# I'm the one

-She's the only one

# I'm the only one We'll get a cottage in the country

# Torchwood makes a lot of money

# I'm the one

# Oooh

# But wait a minute Who is that stage left?

-# It's me

-Hello

# Beauty beyond compare

# I prefer them with blonde hair

# Watch how I walk and sing at the same time

# Amazing.

-# Thank you... #

-What are you doing?

# Now I'll sit down on a chair

# Then get up and walk to there

# You're the one

# I'm the one

# You're the only one

# I'm the only one

-# You are ruining my song... #

-No, I'm not!

# Can't you both just get along?

# I'm the one

# No, I'm the one

# You're the only one

-# Who is?

-Which one?

# There will never be another

# Do you have an older brother?

# Not the one

Take it to the bridge, everybody!

# The thing is, girls, you need to know

# I'm only here to promote my show

# Neither of you's quite right for me

# I don't do heterosexuality

Key change!

# I'm the one

# I'm John Barrowman

# I can act and I can sing

# I'm pretty great at everything

# Oh, I'm the one

# He's off on one

# I'm John Barrowman

# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

# I'm more popular than Gandhi

# I'm the one

# Television's John Barrowman...! #

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

Thank you, everybody. I am John Barrowman. Good night!

Wooo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

God, someone likes the sound of their own voice!

Oh, give it to me!

I had a Jedi take him on holiday.

Oh, dear. Cracks me up!

Jenkins, where are you going?

I should warn you, I won't have no unlawful conjugals under my roof.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd