Episode 2 Watson & Oliver

Good evening and welcome to Watson and Oliver! I'm Ingrid Oliver.

And I'm Lorna Watson.

ALARM WAILS

Oh, my God. What was that?

-You got too close.

-What?

Listen, Lorna, we've been spending a lot of time together recently.

I just need some space, all right?

I thought we were going through one of our good patches?

We are, but I think it's good to get a bit of distance sometimes,

which is why I've taken some measures.

-What kind of measures?

-A restraining order.

You've taken out a restraining order against me?

No, it's not a big deal,

you just have to stay five feet away from me at all times.

I think it's for the best.

-All right. If that's what you want.

-It is.

AUDIENCE: Aah!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Watson and Oliver... No, no,

that doesn't feel right. Who am I kidding?

You're my double act partner. I need you by my side, where you belong.

I don't know.

Come here, you.

All right. God, you had me worried there for a minute...

That's not very nice, Ingrid.

Enjoy the show! APPLAUSE

97, 98, 99, 100!

All done?

Yup. Helicopter helmet polished and ready for inspection.

Um, I was thinking of popping round to see Granny tomorrow,

-if you're around?

-Oh, I'll have to check the diary.

-When were you thinking of doing it?

-Um, let's see...

08:00 hours, I'm doing a Search and Rescue demonstration

for the Anglesey Cub Scouts.

Er, then I'm going to Cardiff to open a school

for disadvantaged Welsh children.

Morning's no good for me, I'm afraid.

I'm serving breakfast at a homeless shelter,

-and then I've got a charity brunch with Nelson Mandela.

-Right.

-I'm so nervous about meeting him.

-Oh, don't be, he's such a great guy.

Get him, er, get him to do his Morgan Freeman impression.

-Cracks me up.

-Oh, brilliant.

-Er, well, what about 4:00?

-Oh, no, I can't.

-I'm meeting the Pope at 4:00.

-Um, 4:30?

Perfect. It's going in the diary.

-Visit the Queen.

-Visit Granny.

Sorry, hasn't quite sunk in yet! Visit Granny.

Great. I'll let her know.

Should be a good day tomorrow, all in all.

Yeah, should be a really good day.

-Night, Wills.

-Night, Kate.

-Kate?

-Yes, Wills?

It won't be as good a day as our wedding day.

BOTH: Our wedding day!

-That was such a great day!

-It was such a good day!

Do you remember when I got out of the car and everyone was screaming and cheering,

and I was like, "I hope I don't trip on my train and fall on my face,

"that would be so embarrassing!"

And do you remember when we were standing at the altar

and I leant over to you and I was like, "Babe, you look beautiful"?

And then everyone was like trying to lip-read what I was saying

and I was like, "Guys, trying to have a private moment here!"

In front of two billion people!

And do you remember when you were like,

"I, William Arthur Philip Louis do take you, Catherine..."?

And I was like, "Louis?! You kept that one quiet!"

Ha! Ha! And do you remember,

do you remember when Harry wore that uniform that was clearly like,

way too big for him? And everyone was wondering why it didn't fit properly,

but he didn't care and was just being all like, "Whatevs."

Classic Harry!

And do you remember the next day, when the main story in the papers

was about how amazing your sister's arse was?

I'm not sure I do, William.

But I tell you what, why don't you remind me?

Hmm? What?

I said why don't you remind me how amazing my sister's bottom is?

Um, is this one of those times when you say something,

but actually, you mean the opposite?

-Goodnight, William.

-Goodnight, Kate.

One scrambled egg on toast, my darlin'!

Two sausage baps, darlin', one bacon on white, my darlin'!

Crispy bacon in the sarnie, if you can, my darlin'.

Crispy bacon in the sarnie, if you can, my darlin'!

-No problem, darlin'!

-No problem, darlin'.

-Service, darlin'!

-Service, darlin'!

-Thanks, my darlin'.

-Coming, darlin'!

-Thanks, my darlin'!

No problem, darlin'!

No problem, darlin'. That's £2.85 change, my darlin'.

Thanks, my darlin'.

Thank you, my darlin'. Morning, darlin'. Yes, my darlin'?

Oh, yes, hello. That was quick. Um, sorry, one moment.

-Yes, my darlin'?

-Right. Could I have please a...

-Coffee, darlin'?

-No.

-Tea, my darlin'?

-No, hang on.

Water, darlin'? Juice, my darlin'? Cup of herbal tea, my darlin'?

No, could I please have a...

Bacon sandwich, darlin'? Beans on toast, my darlin'?

Fried egg in a roll, my darlin'? Full English, darlin'?

Vegetarian English, darlin'? Bacon and egg on toast, my darlin'?

No, I think I'll just get a sausage sandwich to go.

Please?

-Darling?

-One sausage sandwich to go, my darlin'!

That's £1.85, darlin'. Sauce is on the side, my darlin'.

Thank you, darling.

-Service, darlin'!

-Service, darlin'! No problem, darlin'.

-Coming, darlin'!

Hello. I'm Keira Knightley,

and I done a film.

Pouty face.

# I dreamed I heard a nightingale

# Who sang sweet song from yonder hill

# My ears delight in wondering

# My heart

# Remembers still. #

-Bravo! Bravo!

-Very good. Very good indeed!

BOTH: Nah.

Miss Lavender, you play magnificently!

I assure you my playing is, at best, adequate.

BOTH: My playing is, at best, adequate.

And you, Miss Honeywell...

I beg of you, sir, to reserve your praise

for one who is more deserving.

You can be assured, Miss Honeywell,

that there is none more deserving of my praise than you...

-Do something!

-Like what?

Oh... Look at me!

That is to say, Miss Rutherford and I also play a little.

-Indeed?

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

Very well, then, you must play for us.

Oh, we couldn't possibly! We couldn't!

It would be too much.

Please do not ask us again, Mr Bridgewater.

Yes, please do not ask us again.

Very well, shall we move through to the...

-Well, if you absolutely insist!

-Yes, if we must!

Really, Mr Bridgewater, you are so very persuasive.

# Look at me, look at me I'm going to sing a song

# I'm going to sing a song I'm going to sing a song

# I'm now singing a song I'm singing a song

# Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa I am singing a song

# Don't look at her, look at me-e-eee

# Don't look at her Look at me, not she

# Fa fa faaa, fa fa faa Fa fa fa fa fa fa faaa

# Lucy!

# And look at me I am fingering the keys

# Fingering, fingering, fingering the keys with a tra la la laaa

# La la la la I'm fingering the keys

# Black or white It's all the same to me

# Fingering, fingering, fingering the keys

# Fingering, fingering, fingering

# Fingering, fingering, fingering

# Fingering, fingering, fingering

# fingering, fingering, fingering

# Fingering, fingering, fingering

# Fingering the keys! #

Ahem... Dinner is served.

We are so in there!

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, Ruth, you haven't got a spare paper clip, have you?

No, sorry, I've run out.

Holly, could you pass me the stapler, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ruth, I'm using it.

Sorry, Ruth, can I borrow your...?

My what, Holly? My hole punch? Hmm?

My Post-its? My Tipp-Ex?

I tell you what, why don't you just take it all, yeah?

And while you're at it, why don't you take my boyfriend as well?

Oh, hang on a minute...

YOU ALREADY HAVE!

Eurghhhh!

NO!

Woah!

Yah!

Argh!

Ugh!

Agh!

Ladies, when you've got a minute, could you email over

the balance sheets for the last quarter?

-Of course, Simon.

-No problem, Simon.

Ruth, could you pass me the accounts file, please?

The Prime Minister.

Thank you, Mr Speaker.

I am here today to urge this house to vote in favour

of our National Health reform bill.

The Department of Health has worked ceaselessly for the past few months

to create a health package that will see shorter waiting lists,

more beds for patients,

more money invested in state-of-the-art medical equipment.

But more importantly than all of this,

we aim to give power back to those people who deserve it most.

Our tireless Health Workers.

The GPs, nurses and doctors

without whom the NHS simply would not and could not exist.

I now give the floor to the Minister for Health,

who will outline the bill in detail

and take any questions you may have, before we put it to a final vote.

Jenkins!

Where are you going? You've got to read out the bill!

Sorry, it's just, I was wondering if I could nip off a bit early?

What?

We've been working on this for months, you can't leave now!

The thing is, Mr Crumbles is at the vets and they shut at 6:00, so...

The vet's?

What it is,

is...he swallowed one of my driving gloves last week.

Not all of it came out the other end, so they're trying to,

you know, extract it.

Jenkins, you have to stay and vote, or the bill may not be passed!

Mmm. Can we maybe do it tomorrow?

No!

It's summer recess tomorrow, we're all off for six weeks.

If we don't do it now, it may never happen.

Mmm... The thing is, I did only have half an hour for lunch.

What?

It's technically supposed to be an hour.

But with this kicking off, muggins here only got half an hour, so...

You're not serious?

Well, Dave had an hour. Didn't you, Dave?

Anna had an hour, didn't you, Anna? I tell you what I'll do...

I'll leave this with you, OK? It's all fairly straightforward.

And if anyone asks, I'm a yes. OK?

So good luck with it all, yeah?

All right, then, see you later, then. Bye, then.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Well, um, I, er...

Sorry, I haven't finished the crossword. Bye-bye!

Hands where I can see 'em, please, Jefferies.

Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

-There she is.

-'Ere she comes.

-Off she goes.

-'Ere I am.

-Someone's off.

-There she is.

-Don't you start.

-'Ere she goes.

-I don't believe it.

'Ere it comes.

-'Ello, trouble.

-'Ello, yourself.

-What you up to, then?

I'm waiting to open a bank account, ain't I?!

That's funny, cos I don't see no bank round 'ere.

Well, maybe you need glasses.

-You saying I need glasses?

-Maybe I am. Maybe I ain't.

-Oh.

-Oh, dear.

No, seriously, Pat, what are you up to? It's your birthday today, innit?

Yeah, that's right.

I thought I might get a family visit, you know.

Yeah, right.

Ain't seen them for five years, so...

Yeah. Of course.

Well, they're probably just running late or something.

Yeah. That's probably it.

I tell you what, I could have a birthday chat with ya, if you like?

To be honest, I could do with a chat myself.

(I don't think that's a very good idea.)

Yeah, well, I've got stuff I should be getting on with anyway, so...

-Parole Board and that.

-Yeah.

Well, have a good one, Pat.

Oh, er, I've cleared it with upstairs.

Oh, great. I love the Bee Gees.

Yeah, I remember you saying. Well, I'll see you later, Pat.

-Not if I see you first!

-Oh, off she goes.

-'Ere it comes.

-There she is.

-Off we go.

-I'll believe that when I see it.

-I'll bet you will.

-Happy birthday, trouble.

Happy birthday, yourself.

Oh, dear. Cracks me up.

I think you'll find the room more than agreeable.

It's a superior suite for an honeymooning couple,

such as yourselves.

A very comfy bed, madam. And so is yours, sir.

I don't have a finer room to give

if the King himself were to stay, carrying his ermine knapsack

and collection of ceremonial jockstraps with him.

We have all the mod cons here at Lyndhurst Guest House,

and we pride ourselves on the coldest showers this side of Ipswich.

Breakfast is served in the dining room at 6:15,

with final rashers at 6:30 sharp,

because I like to have the curtains down and steam-ironed by 9:00,

or else I'll never get on with oiling the banisters.

And as me mother used to say, "We ain't Welsh!"

Now, before I let you retire,

I'll just need to see your 'proof of marriage statement'

from the vicar, and the gentleman's Empire birth certificate,

and a letter of consent from your Member of Parliament, Madam.

I don't suppose this newly-married lark is a ruse, but if it is,

I should warn you, I won't have no unlawful conjugals under my roof!

Not even if the King himself burst into my quarters,

his pert bare bottom cheeks sticking out from his ermine undergarments

and demanding the sort of Brighton and Hove revelries

you read about in any variety of penny dreadfuls!

But hark at me going on, spoiling your special day.

You go and enjoy yourselves, and remember,

if you stain the sheets, I'll have you arrested.

Oh, hello. I'm Keira Knightley,

and I done another film. Pouty face.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to let you in on a little secret.

Erm, I'm actually a classically trained violinist.

No doubt some of you have already heard me play.

I do a lot of work at Glyndebourne, on the High Street there,

just outside the Pound Shop.

Anyway, I...

I... Right a bit.

-Left a bit.

-You just said go right.

I'd like to take this opportunity to play

a piece of music by a great guy who I like to call Jo.

Or as you probably know him, Johann Sebastian Bach.

Just leave it, please. Leave it.

Please enjoy.

-And...

-Delivery for Miss Watson?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr Postman. Thank you.

-And...

-Oh, these are lovely.

-Lorna, do you mind?

-Sorry, carry on.

-And...

-What a lovely man!

-Right, go on, then! Who are they from?

-Geoff.

-Who's Geoff?

-My conductor.

-What conductor?

At the London Philharmonic.

-You play for the London Philharmonic Orchestra?

-Lead Cello.

We did a gig last night, so Geoff sent me these to say thank you.

So you're quite good, then?

Grade Nine.

I thought there were only eight grades.

Not when you get to my level.

How did I not know this?

-What?

-This is brilliant news!

-Is it?

It's goodbye, Pound Shop, and hello, Royal Albert Hall.

-What do you mean?

-Huddle up. Lorna!

We should join forces and put together a sexy classical music act.

Yeah? Classical music's all about being sexy these days.

Catherine Jenkins, Myleene Klass, Paul Potts... All sexy.

And if we can be sexier than them, we will make an absolute fortune.

Yeah? You in?

-Go on, then.

-Good girl.

Ingrid, I'm not very good at doing sexy.

Well, I'm going to teach you everything I know about sexy,

which is a whole lot. OK?

-Really?

-Yeah.

I don't suppose they do sexy at the London Philharmonic.

Well, you haven't seen Janet play glockenspiel.

You haven't seen me play naked flute.

Good morning, Mr Handsome.

Good morning, Mr Handsome.

Good morning, Mr...

Good morning, Mr Handsome.

Baps.

Your 9:00 has been rescheduled for Tuesday.

You have a 10:00 meeting with Mr Langley,

brunch is at the Meridien, Donald will meet you there,

followed by a 3:00 pitch with Mr Hinkman,

that's the toothpaste account. Oh, and your wife called...

Let me guess, lipstick on my collar?

-Morning, Ted.

-John.

-Baps.

-I'll be right outside.

-Thank you, Baps.

-Can I get some fries with those?

Hey, congratulations on the brassiere account, Ted.

-You really came through for us.

-Well, you know what they say?

Don't sell the steak, sell the sizzle.

I'll drink to that.

HE BUZZES INTERCOM

Baps, could you come in here, please?

-Baps.

-Move my meeting from 3:00 to 3:30, will you?

Yes, Mr Handsome.

-Thank you, Baps.

-I'll be right outside.

If I had a hammer, I'd frame 'em.

So how's married life treating you, John?

It isn't. Can you believe that she wants a divorce?

You know what they say...

Men only hit what they aim at?

-One man's meat is another man's poison.

-I'll drink to that.

HE BUZZES INTERCOM

Baps, could you come in here, please?

-Baps.

-Move my meeting from 3:30 to 4:00, will you?

-Yes, Mr Handsome.

-Thank you, Baps.

-I'll be right outside.

If I had a jet, I'd take 'em on holiday.

So where are we at with the Hilton account?

These are difficult times, Ted. The man's nervous.

-Why don't you let me talk to him?

-I'll drink to that.

HE BUZZES INTERCOM

Baps, could you come in here, please?

-Baps.

-Move my meeting from 4:00 to 4:30, will you?

-Yes, Mr Handsome.

-Thank you, Baps.

-I'll be right outside.

If I squeeze 'em, do they make a noise?

Baps, could you come in here, please?

Baps.

-Thank you, Baps.

-I'll be right outside.

Ahooa! Ahooa!

HE BUZZES INTERCOM

COUGHING

Baps.

Baps.

-SLAP!

-Ow!

-SLAP!

-Ow!

-PUNCH!

-Ow!

-I'll be right outside.

-Thank you, Baps.

Hello, I'm Keira Knightley, and I done an advert.

And then I done another film.

Bloody hell, I just done another film, just then!

Double pout.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

-Oh! Just...

-Oh! Ow!

-I've broken my shoe.

-Take it off.

It's a pretty flammable dress.

THEY PLAY: "Sex Bomb"

I haven't got any wind! Can someone get me some...wind?

Thank you.

THEY PLAY: "I'm Too Sexy"

No, Lorna, Lorna, sexy. Sexy, like this.

Lorna! Lorna! Too much! Too much.

Sorry.

SHE PLAYS: "Just A Little"

Your turn.

SHE PLAYS: "EastEnders Theme Tune"

Lorna, not sexy.

THEY PLAY CLASSICAL MUSIC

RIPPING

APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Thank you so much.

-How you feeling?

-Yeah, I'm feeling pretty sexy, actually.

-Told you.

Surely you will not say no to a nibble on my almond puffs?

Ou sont les lapins?

-I'm saying if your nails weren't so long...

-Aah!

Papa wants his snuggle cuddles! >

What are you doing, Susan? What are you doing?

Oh, it's from Barbara Broccoli.

Apparently, I'm down to the last two to play James Bond!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd