Episode 3 Watson & Oliver

APPLAUSE

-Hello!

-Good evening!

Good evening and welcome to Watson & Oliver. I'm Ingrid Oliver.

I'm Lorna Watson and er, can I just say it's really great you can join us,

-because today's actually a very special day for us.

-Is it?

Yeah.

It's 20 years to the day that we first met.

That's today, is it?

You!

Anyway, it's not a big deal, but I got you a little card.

Oh gosh, thank you.

Mr postman, can you just...?

It's just something little.

It's just a little, enormous bunch of flowers.

-You think I've forgotten our anniversary, don't you?

-Yes.

Well, I haven't, cos I know how much it means to you.

Which is why I got you...

..eleven pence in change and an old travel card.

LAUGHTER

You did remember.

Thank you.

-OK!

-How did you know I like old travel cards?

-Enjoy the show.

-This one!

APPLAUSE

Morning.

BOTH: Hiya!

There you go.

-If you could put your card in, please.

-What's this?

-Package for Simmons.

-Who?

-Simmons.

I think you've got the wrong address.

Er, 8-12 Langley Street.

Yes, but as I said, we don't have a Simmons here.

Do you want to double check just in case? This is the right address, so...

Do you want to get a qualification in admin like I've got

before you start giving me advice on how to do my job?

I'm not taking it back, this is the right address. It's not my problem.

Do you mind keeping your voice down, please?

I didn't say anything!

-Morning.

-Hiya!

-Hiya!

-Oh great, is that for Mr Simmons?

-Yes!

-I'll take it up.

The girls will sign for it, thank you.

You need to put in your code.

Yes, thank you very much.

We are receptionists, in case you hadn't noticed.

Thank you.

-It says invalid code.

-Are you saying I don't know how to enter a pin code?

-No, I'm saying if your nails weren't so long, then...

-THEY GASP

What are you saying about her nails?

Have you got a problem with my nails?

Is there something you want to say to me about MY nails?

If you've got a problem with my nails, you should keep it to yourself, thank you very much.

How dare you come in here and tell me what to do as a human being.

These are professionally manicured nails, in case you hadn't noticed.

Do you even know how much a professional manicure costs these days?

-No.

-£22.50, and that's not including the cost of a nail bath

and that's not including the cost of cuticle cream.

Don't even get me started on pedicures

because that is a whole different ball game entirely.

-All right? Delivery for Harris.

-Yeah, good luck with that.

Oh, don't tell me, Flamingo Fancy,

-and Mint Surprise.

-Oh, yes it is.

My wife wears the same colours.

You're a man who knows his nails. I like him.

Where do we sign, love?

Do you not find, Sir Thomas, after a stay in London,

it is always such a relief

to return to the peace and quiet of the country?

Indeed, it is most tranquil.

BOTH: Cooee!

Oh, God.

Mr Bridgewater, Sir Thomas.

What a surprise.

Miss Rutherford. Miss Steeps.

-What a fortuitous, serendipitous and completely unexpected occurrence.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

In-bloody deed. God.

-Will you not join us for luncheonstance?

-A little morn repast?

No, really, we couldn't.

-Oh, Mr Bridgewater, surely you would not have us beg?

-Yes, Sir Thomas.

-You would not wish to see me on my knees.

-No.

Well, then you must join us.

No, really. We could not impose.

Mr Bridgewater, you are in danger of hurting a lady's feelings.

Yes, Sir Thomas, if you do not join us, I will cry and cry and cry and never desist.

No, we really can't.

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

Very well, then.

Splendid!

Mr Bridgewater, you shall sit here!

Sir Thomas, you shall sit there.

Now, might you be persuaded to a mouthful of my juicy apple dumplings?

No, thank you.

-Sir Thomas, can I tempt you to a handful of my sweet macaroons?

-No.

Surely you will not say no to a nibble on my almond puffs?

Roly polys, Sir Thomas?

Fruit jellies?

Peachy fritters?

Rock biscuits?

Syllabubs?

French pancakes?

Fried eggs?

Jugs?

Melons?

Tits on a plate?

I beg your pardon!?

I have just remembered me. We must away to London.

Really?

-Yes, we have urgent business there.

-But...

-Good day to you.

-Good day.

-Good day.

-Good day.

Somebody hold 'em back.

I can't. They want it too much.

All right? I'm Damien Hirst and I done a shark in a tank.

Two million quid. Cushty!

Regarde, regarde. Maintenant, ici, ici.

-Ici, maintenant.

-Regardez. Allez, allez!

-Maintenant.

Alors! Alors!

IN FRENCH:

-So, how was it?

-Yeah, it were all right, but he doesn't speak

a word of English and the only thing I can say in French

is "how much is the rabbit?" I don't think I'm saying that right.

Undercover Millionaire Carla Fredricks has come to the end

of her week-long journey on a council estate in Southam.

She pays one final visit to the outreach centre,

where she's been working with London's homeless and dispossessed.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I just wanted to say goodbye, Brian, and to say how much

I've enjoyed spending time with you this last week.

We've enjoyed having you, Carla.

I think the work you do here is incredible.

Well, you know, you just, you do what you can.

You're an inspiration, Brian.

Not just to them, but to me as well.

Oh, come on, you'll start me off soon.

There's also something else I wanted to say to you.

Um, I've not been totally straight with you, I'm afraid.

Oh, right?

My name is Carla, but I don't live in Hackney,

I live in Chelsea.

-Right?

-Brian, I'm actually a very successful businesswoman.

I run a telecommunications company

that I floated on the market last year for several million pounds.

Oh my God!

And apart from the townhouse in Chelsea,

I've got an estate in Oxfordshire, a villa in Umbria...

-A villa?

-..and an apartment in New York.

-I can't believe it!

-I also have three cars...

-Three!

-..six horses...

-Six!

-..two yachts...

-Right.

-..and a private jet.

-I had no idea, I just...

-I stay in luxury five-star hotels wherever I go.

-Aha...

-So, like I say, I'm doing pretty well for myself.

-Right.

I'm quite literally, a multi multi-millionaire.

So, Brian...

..that's all I wanted to say, really.

I just really love telling people I'm a millionaire!

I'm a blooming millionaire!

All right then, well take care, everyone.

Keep up the good work, yeah? All right, lots of love, thank you. Bye!

That's nice.

Oh, this is nice.

I like this.

That's nice.

This is nice.

I really like this.

This one's nice.

This is nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really nice.

I really like it.

It would look really good on you.

Do you think?

Yeah, it's really nice.

Do you think I should try it on?

I think you should try it on. It's really nice.

I think I should try it on.

Do you like it?

Yeah, it looks really good on you.

Yeah.

It's really nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really nice.

It would look good with my jeans.

I think it's really nice.

I think you should get it.

Really?

Do you think I should just get it?

I think you should just get it.

It's nice though, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really nice.

I think you should just get it.

Yeah.

I should probably just get it.

You should definitely get it. It's really nice.

I really like it.

I can wear it with leggings.

Yeah, it's really nice.

So you're going to take it then?

-No.

-No.

-Thanks very much. Bye.

-Bye.

All right? I'm Damien Hirst and I done some dots.

Ten million quid. Get in!

Hey, I'm Candy.

And I'm April.

BOTH: And we're Hugh Hefner's new girlfriends.

Yay!! Woo!!

So, today at the mansion, we're having an Easter party.

Here I come!!

A whole ton of people are coming,

so right now, we're just getting everything ready.

Yay!

Look at my butt cheeks. They're so round and firm.

Oops.

So we painted up a whole bunch of eggs that we're gonna hide

in the garden for the Easter egg hunt.

This is me...

And this is Hef.

Isn't he adorable? I love you, Puffin.

Mwah, mwah, mwah...

Hef really loves his parties.

And even though he can only stand for, like ten minutes at a time,

he's such a party animal. He really turns me on.

Yeah, he's so hot.

Yeah, Hef's really hot.

Yeah, he's such a hottie.

Yeah, he's superhot.

KNOCKING

Where are my two favourite snuggle bunnies?

Papa wants to show you his Easter eggies.

THEY HEAVE

Who wants to unwrap Papa's eggie-weggies?

There's a party in my eggs and you're invited.

Coming, Puffin!

Right, this time it's definitely your turn.

-No it's not.

-Yes it is!

I did the early bird shift. So...

I did elevenses and I did the midday massage, so...

Well, but I did Sexy Saturday, so...

I did Slutty Sunday, so...

I did Missionary Monday...

I did Tantric Tuesday...

I did Whipped Cream Wednesday ..

I did Threesome Thursday! On my own!

Well, I'm not doing it.

You still owe me for Viagra Valentine's.

-Well, I CAN'T do it.

-Why not?

Because I have concussion!!

What? No, you don't.

-Damn it!

-I'm waiting.

Papa wants his snuggle cuddles.

SHE HEAVES

Coming, Puffin!

-What you doing?

-Gosh.

Gosh what? What is it?

It's from Barbara Broccoli.

What? As in the producer of James Bond?

Yeah. Apparently I'm one of the favourites to be the new Bond Girl.

Don't be ridiculous. Let me see.

It's between you and Penelope Cruz.

-I know.

-When did you audition for this?

I didn't. I didn't audition.

It's very unexpected.

Well, why would they come to you? I mean, there must be some kind of a mistake.

Well, I presume they're looking for someone

with the face of a supermodel and a body that screams,

"Hello I'm sexually dangerous".

Well, that would certainly be you, wouldn't it?

I wouldn't like to say.

What's the part called?

Jenny Tal Frenzie.

Jenny Tal Frenzie? Jenny Tal...

-Genital Frenzy?

-I presume she's Italian.

Post for Miss Oliver?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Oh, my goodness, it's from Barbara Broccoli.

Apparently I'm down to the last two to play James Bond.

-What?

-I know! I didn't audition either!

Erm, yeah, apparently the whole blond Bond thing wasn't working out

so they wanted to go back to the archetype -

tall, dark and classically handsome so...

Oh brilliant. Brilliant (!) It's between me and David Tennant.

Oh, he always gets your parts, doesn't he?

-I didn't want to be the Doctor anyway, so...

-Yes, you did.

-No, I didn't.

-You cried when you didn't get it.

That's overstating it a bit, Lorna.

Ingrid, you shaved all your hair off and burnt your house down.

Yes, well, that was the past and this is the future.

I really want this job, Lorna,

and I really want to be the next James Bond.

Yeah, well, I really want to be the next James Bond... girl.

-Oh, no, Ingrid.

-What?

-It says she's watching the show tonight.

-What?

Barbara Broccoli is watching the show right now.

Lorna, can I talk to you for a minute please?

-Lorna!

-Yes.

This is our big chance, OK?

I have a plan.

We end the show with a spectacular James Bond-themed finale

that will quite simply blow her mind.

Or I could make her a collage.

OK, let's stick with the spectacular

James Bond-themed finale for now, shall we?

Well, if you're sure. I can knock them out pretty quick so...

OK, well, we've always got that as a back-up, haven't we?

Right. Now Susan, what are you doing?

That's done.

Oh, right, yes, now, I'll be with you in a second.

Erm, change, good. Sorry. Where were we?

-Yes? Can I help you?

-Morning. Two adults and two children for the house, please.

Right, one second, if you would...

Diane! I'm all on my own here, love!

Sorry, what was I doing?

Right, so two adults and two children, wasn't it?

And that was for the house, you say, not the gardens?

-I don't think the kids are bothered about the gardens.

-Just a second...

So that's two adults, £4.60 each,

that's £4.60 times two.

£1.20. Carry the one.

That will be...

£9.20 please, for the adults. Forgetting them, aren't we?

And... So...

What are you doing, Susan? What are you doing?

So... Right. Start again.

Two adults, two children, done the adults.

So are both kids under 21?

Yes.

OK. So that's simple.

Diane?! I'm manning the fort on my own here, love!

So they're £3 each and you don't want the gardens, you say?

-No, thanks.

-No. So what am I doing, Susan? What am I...

So they're £2 each right and we've looked at that

so we don't need that any more.

So that's the £9.20 plus the four...

£13.20, please.

We got there eventually, didn't we?

Do you have a souvenir brochure, by any chance?

You want a brochure?

-Only if you've got...

-Brochure.

Brochure, brochure, brochure, brochure, brochure, brochure.

Brochure, brochure, brochure.

Right, got that. Now. What are you doing, Susan?

So, we've dealt with the entrance fee. That's done.

There's your brochure.

So what are you doing, Susan? What are you doing?

So this is £6, so that's £6

plus the £13.20.

Look, if it's easier we'll forget the brochure.

You don't want the brochure?

It's just the £13.20 for the entrance.

£13.20? Yes, if you say so.

So er...

-Two and five to you.

-Thank you.

Actually I've got a few free souvenir pencils under here

for the children if you'd like a couple?

Oh, thank you. Like that, kids? That would be lovely, thank you.

Pencils, pencils, pencils, pencils!

Pencils. What are you doing, Susan?

What are you looking for? Pencils, pencils, pencils, pencils.

Right, got 'em! Aaarrgh!!

Diane!!!!

All right?

I'm Damien Hirst and I done a load of diamonds on a skull.

Hundred million nicker.

Ker-ching!

# See reflections on the water

# More than darkness in the depths

# See him surface in every shadow

# On the wind I feel his breath

# Goldeneye, I found his weakness

# Goldeneye, he'll do what I please

# Goldeneye, no time for sweetness

# But a bitter kiss will bring him to his knees

# You'll never know how I watched you

# From the shadows as a child

# You'll never know how it feels to be the one

# Who's left behind

# You'll never know the days, the nights, the tears,

# The tears I've cried

# But now my time has come and time

# Time is not on your side

# See him move through smoke and mirrors

# Feel his presence in the crowd

# Other girls they gather around him

# If I had him I wouldn't let him out...#

# Goldfinger

# He's the man, the man with the Midas touch... #

Ow! Stop it!

Ow!

MUSIC: "Live And Let Die" by Paul McCartney & Wings

-Dead end.

-What?

It's a dead end, turn round.

# What does it matter to ya?

# When you've got a job to do,

# You've got to do it well

# You've got to give the other fellow hell... #

You're chasing me now!

# Nobody does it better

# Makes me feel sad for the rest

# Nobody does it half as good as you... #

-Do you mind if we just talk?

-Yeah, that's a much better idea.

-Actually, do you want to have a go at that collage?

-Oh, yes.

We've got an international situation here, my love.

Maybe if your nails weren't so long...

I'm Colin Firth. Humble. Humble.

And I done a Darcy.

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I did only have half an hour for lunch.

We got chip butty, darlin', bacon butty, darlin', egg butty, darlin'...

-Number two's number two.

-Number one's number one. So how can you be both?

What are you doing, Susan?

-There she is!

-There she goes!

She's really nice.

Mr Bridgewater!

Woof, woof, woof!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd