Episode 6 Watson & Oliver


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Good evening and welcome to Watson and Oliver. I'm Ingrid Oliver.

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I'm Lorna Watson.

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And this is our sketch show.

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What?

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Anything you want to tell me?

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No.

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You've got a massive moustache.

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What? You're kidding! I only shaved half an hour ago.

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-You're taking steroids again, aren't you?

-No.

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I can't believe you're back on the 'roids.

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Look, it's not a big deal, yeah. I just needed a bit of testosterone

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to get me through the show, that's all.

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I'm not doing this again, Ingrid.

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I want out. I'm walking.

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Listen, listen, all right, all right, I messed up, OK?

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I'm through with them now.

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That's what you always say

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and then you go and get off your face on the 'roids.

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It's different this time, yeah? Take them.

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I'll throw them away.

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Good.

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I'm proud of you.

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I'm proud of you.

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Let's hug it out.

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BONES CRACK

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Ow!

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Enjoy the show.

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I need to get that file back on the...

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I can't stop. I'm going to see the chief.

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ENTRY SYSTEM BEEPS

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Damn it!

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ENTRY SYSTEM BEEPS

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Officer Brooks, Counter Terrorism. I need to see the chief.

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I'm sorry. You've not got clearance.

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I know I don't, but I need to see the chief now. It's urgent.

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We can't let you through.

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I wouldn't be trying to get clearance if it wasn't really important, would I?

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Do you want to let me through

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or lose your job because you didn't let me through? Hm?

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DOOR BUZZES

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Thank you.

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Excuse me, you can't just... Wait!

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Sir, I really need to speak to you.

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What the hell's going on?

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I'm sorry, Sir. She just barged in. I couldn't stop her.

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-I'll take it from here.

-Yes, Sir.

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This had better be good officer...?

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Brooks, Sir. Counter Terrorism Unit. We met last week, Sir.

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On the first floor by the vending machine?

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You wanted a can but you didn't have change so I lent you some, remember?

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No, Officer Brookes, I do not remember.

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I haven't got all day, so what's this about?

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Well, you owe me a pound, Sir.

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What?

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You owe me a pound, Sir.

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You've breached three levels of security to get into my office

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because I owe you a pound?

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Yes, Sir. So have you got it or should I come back later?

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No, I haven't got it!

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All right. I'll come back later.

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No, you will not come back later.

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But you owe me a whole pound.

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Yes I know I owe you a pound but as I said before,

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I haven't currently got it!

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Don't you shout at me, Sir.

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You're the one who's borrowed a pound without paying it back.

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Right... Stephanie?

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Yes, Sir?

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You know that pound I lent you for those biscuits?

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Well I need it back.

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Sorry, Sir, but I lent it to Martin yesterday for some stamps.

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But if it's urgent I could...

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-Could you?

-Yes, Sir. Martin?

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-Hello?

-You haven't got that pound I lent you yesterday?

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Oh, um...

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Yeah, there you go.

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Great. Thanks.

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-Oh, hey, Brooks.

-Hi, Martin.

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Sir.

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Thank you.

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There you go. One pound.

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Thank you, Sir.

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Right, is everybody settled now?

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Yeah. I think so. Yup.

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Jolly good.

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Actually, Brooks, um, you owe me a pound.

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-Do I?

-Cheese roll. Remember?

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Last Tuesday, at the pub, I had a cheese roll,

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you were hungry, so I bought you one.

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Oh, yeah.

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Yeah, yeah yeah.

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Oh, very funny. Well, I know who these are from.

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Guilty.

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These are going straight in the bin, mate!

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OK, who's next?

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The final two. We have Holly...

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..and Ruth.

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Holly, open yours first!

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-What is it?

-It's a can of weight loss drink.

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I just thought it might come in handy. I know how difficult

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it can be to shift the pounds once they start piling on.

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But I suppose that's the price you pay

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for being in a loving, fulfilled relationship.

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And when I say you, I mean me.

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Ruth?

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I just saw it and it screamed you!

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That's so thoughtful. I've been meaning to watch this for ages.

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This is the one about two girls who work in an office together

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and one of them has a boyfriend and the other one doesn't,

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so she steals the other one's boyfriend

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in an unbelievable act of betrayal, right?

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You know? Hang on a minute. That wasn't a film.

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THAT WAS YOU!

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Ahhh!

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I can't see!

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Ahhhh!

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SHE SCREAMS

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Aahhhhhh, the bells, the bells!

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Right, well, we've all had fun

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so everybody back to work please, OK?

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-Yes, Simon.

-No problem, Simon.

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MUFFLED MOANING

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Oh, hello, Fiona.

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Hello, Mr and Mrs Beckford. We've come to pick up...

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Bea! Fiona's here!

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It's so lovely of your parents to let Bea come on holiday with you.

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-Two whole weeks.

-Two whole weeks.

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-Hey, Fi.

-Hey, Bea.

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-I like your jelly shoes.

-Do you like them?

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Yeah, I really like them. They're really nice.

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Right then, Bea, have you got everything?

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I think so.

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Let's just make absolutely sure. We don't want you coming back

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-because you've forgotten something, do we?

-No, we don't.

-Bea, did you bring your straighteners?

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Yeah. I brought my pink ones and I also brought my other ones.

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-I really like the pink ones.

-Do you like the pink ones?

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I was thinking about your passport. Are you sure you've got it?

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Do I have my passport?

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-That's what we're asking you, yes.

-I'm not sure.

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Let's just have a quick look then, shall we?

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Sunglasses.

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Oh, those are nice.

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Really? Do you think they're nice?

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Yeah. They're really nice.

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-I really like them.

-Next.

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-Bangles.

-Oh, they're nice.

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-They're nice, aren't they?

-Yeah, they're really nice.

-Focus, Bea.

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-Body spray.

-That's nice.

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-Coconut lip balm.

-That's nice.

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Flamingo purse.

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-Denim shorts.

-Those are nice.

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Straw hat.

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I like that.

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Flip flops.

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Those are nice.

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Hang on a minute. Is that...

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-Here it is!

-THEY LAUGH

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-Well done, darling!

-THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

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-Thank God!

-Goodness!

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Thanks so much for having her!

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We'll see you in two weeks then.

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OK, come on, darling. Bye! Come on, darling.

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Fi?

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Yes, Bea?

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Why are your parents crying?

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How long since our last contact?

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48 minutes and counting, Sir.

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'Sir? Things are getting pretty tight up here.'

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Just hang on in there, boys. We're going to get you out of this mess.

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-'Sir?'

-Yes, Captain?

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'If you get us home safe, the drinks are on me.'

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Copy that.

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Listen up, everyone, we've got a window of approximately 20 minutes

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to get these guys back on the ground, before their oxygen runs out.

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So, Cooper, could you work on the landing trajectory?

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Yes, Sir.

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And I want oxygen status reports every 60 seconds.

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Yes, sir.

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Jenkins, I need you to...

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Flight Marshall Jenkins? Is there a problem?

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I was wondering if I could nip off actually?

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Pardon me?

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Well, obviously I'd love to stay, what with the whole...

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MIMICS CRASH

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..but the thing is it has already gone 5.00.

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These guys are depending on us to get them home safely.

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We can't do that without you so...

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Well, it's just I do badminton on a Tuesday

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and I already missed last Tuesday

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because I had to take Cath to the hospital

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to have her waterworks seen to,

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so I tell you what, I could come in early tomorrow?

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Sit down, Jenkins!

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How we doing here?

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17 minutes of oxygen left, Sir.

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Um... The thing is, I'm not sure if you're aware of this,

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but I did only have half an hour for lunch.

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-And?

-It's supposed to be an hour.

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We are a team and if we don't pull together, four men,

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four good men, will lose their lives.

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Well, four badminton players will go without their post-match oranges

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if I don't make it to practice.

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I'm just saying.

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If you don't sit your ass back down right now, Jenkins,

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I will have you court-marshalled!

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-I'll just go and...

-Do it.

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'Houston?! Houston do you copy? She's breaking up!'

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Captain Miller! Can you hear me?

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It's...We can't...

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HE SCREAMS

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RADIO STATIC

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Miller? Miller!

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Oh dear, that's terrible, isn't that terrible?

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Aaagh!

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Come on, darling, you can do it.

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-Push!

-Push!

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Ow! Why does it hurt so much?

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-Come on.

-Uuurrrgghhhh!

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Almost there. One final...

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-I can't do this.

-Yes, you can. Come on, Michelle.

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No, I'm not doing it.

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Come on, Michelle. You're nearly there.

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I said I'm not doing it.

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Just one final push.

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It's never just one final push, is it?

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You said that five hours ago and yet here we are still.

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-Michelle...

-I've had enough. This is just ridiculous.

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It's not ridiculous. This is our first child!

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Well, you have it then. I'm going home.

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Michelle!

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Seriously, Andrew it's really painful, and I mean REALLY painful.

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I've had enough. I'm going home. End of.

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Listen, why don't we try some of those breathing exercises again, eh?

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Give me the car keys.

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-No!

-Fine!

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-Professor.

-Ah, Scott.

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Is it ready?

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Yes. Follow me.

0:13:410:13:43

I had to make a few minor adjustments to the proximity sensors

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and thrust controls, but I think we're operational now. Ready?

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It's perfect.

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It will need to be. It's a dangerous world out there, Scott.

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Now it's exactly as we discussed.

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The armour's carbon alloy, coated in dilobium polymer.

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It should flex at the joints, but be all but impervious to weaponry.

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A crystalline micro display behind the left eye

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will give a complete system profile, including damage report.

0:14:210:14:24

Now, power is routed through the...

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Ow!

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What's wrong?

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It's the boots, they're a little tight.

0:14:300:14:33

Oh, that's odd. They should be a perfect fit.

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They're a ten?

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A ten? No, I thought you said you were a nine.

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No, I'm a size nine in sneakers,

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but in boots and shoes I'm usually a ten.

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Ten and a half sometimes.

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Oh, right.

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OK. Well, will they stretch at all?

0:14:480:14:50

Well, they're pretty soft metal.

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METAL CLANKS

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-They should give slightly over time.

-Right, right.

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-That's your toe there, is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

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Do you have them in a ten?

0:15:050:15:06

Er, no, it's just what you see here.

0:15:060:15:09

Could I maybe wear it with different boots?

0:15:090:15:12

I think that might just look a bit odd.

0:15:120:15:14

Hey, jeez, listen to me going on

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and you've made me a unique crime fighting suit

0:15:160:15:19

and here I am complaining about my tootsies!

0:15:190:15:21

You might not even notice once you do the speech?

0:15:210:15:23

Do you want to do the speech?

0:15:230:15:25

Sure. OK, why not.

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Wherever there are wrongs, Alloy Man... Ow!

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..Alloy man will right them.

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Wherever injustice rears its ugly head... Ow!

0:15:360:15:39

God, they really pinch!

0:15:390:15:42

Lights out!

0:15:430:15:45

-LOUD THUD

-I heard that, Simpson.

0:15:450:15:48

'Ere we go.

0:15:540:15:56

Oi, Pat...it's me.

0:15:570:15:59

I just wanted to say night night.

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Night yourself.

0:16:000:16:02

Oh, no.

0:16:020:16:03

Oh, no.

0:16:030:16:05

-'Ere it comes.

-There's trouble.

-Ere she goes.

-Someone's off.

0:16:050:16:08

There she is.

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Here I am.

0:16:100:16:11

Off she goes.

0:16:110:16:12

-'Ere it comes.

-There she is.

-Hang on a minute.

0:16:120:16:15

-Someone's off.

-Who was that?

0:16:150:16:17

-'Ere it comes.

-Off she goes.

0:16:170:16:19

Is that you, Pat?

0:16:190:16:20

-That depends.

-Don't you start.

0:16:200:16:22

Right, that's it.

0:16:220:16:24

-Who are you?

-It's me, Pat.

0:16:260:16:29

Yeah, I know that. Who's this joker?

0:16:290:16:32

-I'm Lou.

-Mischief, more like.

0:16:320:16:34

Oh, she's good.

0:16:340:16:37

It's nice to meet you, officer. Pat's told me all about you.

0:16:370:16:41

Oh, has she now? So, um, you new then?

0:16:410:16:44

That's right.

0:16:440:16:45

Arrived today, and already me

0:16:450:16:47

and Pat get on like a house on fire, don't we, Pat?

0:16:470:16:49

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Funnily enough, that's why I'm in here.

0:16:490:16:52

Oh, there she goes.

0:16:520:16:54

-Off I go.

-'Ere it comes.

-Here it is. Yeah, it's funny really.

0:16:540:16:58

I already feel like I've known Pat for years.

0:16:580:17:00

Yeah. Course you do.

0:17:000:17:03

Best friend material this one.

0:17:030:17:05

Well, she's Pat, isn't she?

0:17:050:17:06

That's right.

0:17:060:17:08

Well, I'd better...

0:17:100:17:11

Yeah, yeah...

0:17:110:17:13

I've got to finish my patrol and that so...

0:17:130:17:15

Yeah, course.

0:17:150:17:17

I'll see you both later then.

0:17:170:17:19

Not if I see you first!

0:17:230:17:25

That's what they all say!

0:17:250:17:26

-Off we go!

-Here it comes.

0:17:260:17:29

-There she is.

-There she goes.

0:17:290:17:32

Fancy a nightcap, Pat?

0:17:320:17:34

Yeah, go on then.

0:17:340:17:36

There she goes.

0:17:360:17:37

Alloy Man! Alloy Man!

0:17:460:17:48

They're robbing the corner store!

0:17:480:17:50

Ow, ow, ow!

0:17:520:17:53

SHOES CLUNK

0:17:530:17:55

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

0:17:550:17:59

Well, that has got me very angry.

0:17:590:18:02

Excuse me for a moment.

0:18:030:18:05

Gah!

0:18:080:18:10

I'm sorry you had to see that.

0:18:130:18:15

I've just had some... Sorry.

0:18:150:18:17

I've just had some very bad news.

0:18:200:18:21

Apparently, my application to light the Olympic flame

0:18:210:18:24

has been rejected because, and I quote, "I'm not sporty enough."

0:18:240:18:28

SHE LAUGHS

0:18:280:18:30

But then neither is David Tennant so I don't see why he gets to do it.

0:18:300:18:35

That man is literally the bane of my life.

0:18:350:18:38

Ingrid.

0:18:380:18:40

I've got the most incredible news.

0:18:410:18:43

What are you wearing?

0:18:430:18:45

Well, I got in, didn't I?

0:18:450:18:46

I got into the Team GB Luge team.

0:18:460:18:48

The Luge Team?

0:18:480:18:50

-What are you doing?

-I'm Luging.

0:18:530:18:56

So, basically, this means that you and me, we can go to the Olympics.

0:18:560:18:59

You can be my plus one.

0:18:590:19:02

Lorna, you do know that London is hosting the summer Olympics?

0:19:020:19:05

Yeah, I know.

0:19:050:19:06

And you also know that Luge is a winter sport?

0:19:060:19:08

-No, it isn't.

-It really is.

0:19:080:19:11

Oh, no. I've been training for the wrong Olympics.

0:19:110:19:15

It would appear so, wouldn't it?

0:19:150:19:17

That's fine. It doesn't matter. It's all right.

0:19:170:19:20

I just need to pick a new sport,

0:19:200:19:22

which is not a problem

0:19:220:19:25

because I happen to be rather good at figure skating.

0:19:250:19:27

Thank you.

0:19:270:19:29

Yes, except that's also a winter sport, isn't it?

0:19:290:19:32

-Bobsleigh?

-Again, a winter sport.

0:19:320:19:34

You're kidding!

0:19:340:19:35

Basically, if it's on ice or snow you're pretty much guaranteed it's going to be a winter sport, Lorna.

0:19:350:19:40

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

0:19:400:19:41

-Do you though?

-Yes. Do I look like an idiot?

0:19:410:19:45

No, our time's running out, Lorna.

0:19:500:19:53

We have to find a new way of making our Olympic dream happen

0:19:530:19:56

and luckily for you, I have an amazing back-up plan.

0:19:560:19:58

-Oh, yeah?

-Huddle up.

0:19:580:20:00

OK, I've got two words for you.

0:20:030:20:06

Olympic Opening... Three words... Olympic Opening Ceremony.

0:20:060:20:09

Keep talking.

0:20:090:20:11

If we can create an Olympic Opening Ceremony under budget for, say...

0:20:110:20:15

..£7.24,

0:20:170:20:19

I have a feeling they'll have no choice but to give us the gig,

0:20:190:20:22

which means that you and I will have the best seats in the house.

0:20:220:20:25

SHE LAUGHS

0:20:250:20:27

Oh, you're good.

0:20:270:20:29

Or I could always give Steve a call.

0:20:330:20:35

-Who's Steve?

-He's head of hurdles.

0:20:350:20:37

He coaches the hurdles team?

0:20:370:20:39

No, he sets them out on the track before the race

0:20:390:20:41

and when the race is over, he picks them up again

0:20:410:20:43

and puts them in a kind of storage cupboard.

0:20:430:20:45

He might need some help.

0:20:450:20:46

OK, well as tempting as that is,

0:20:460:20:48

let's stick with choreographing the Olympic Opening Ceremony for now, OK?

0:20:480:20:51

All right then.

0:20:510:20:52

Can we maybe do a thing where a dog comes on,

0:20:550:20:57

pulling a mouse on a tiny cart?

0:20:570:20:59

No. And by the way, your nipples are showing.

0:21:020:21:05

Lucy, look, your papa is here. Parlaying with my papa.

0:21:390:21:42

Oh, yes. Catherine!

0:21:420:21:45

Look who our parlaying papas are presently parlaying with!

0:21:450:21:48

Whatever could they be talking about?

0:21:480:21:51

Well, Sir Thomas is wearing his lucky breeches

0:21:510:21:54

so it must be a matter of great importance.

0:21:540:21:57

Oh, and do you see how they mark us?

0:21:570:21:59

Constantly throwing longing looks in our direction?

0:21:590:22:02

Mr Bridgewater and Sir Thomas parlaying with our papas,

0:22:060:22:09

pertaining to a matter of premium importance...

0:22:090:22:12

You don't think?

0:22:120:22:13

WEDDING BELLS CHIME

0:22:160:22:18

THEY GIGGLE EXCITEDLY

0:22:180:22:21

Papa, you did not tell me we were expecting company?

0:22:270:22:30

Ah, Catherine, Lucy.

0:22:300:22:32

Gentlemen, I believe you are acquainted with our daughters.

0:22:320:22:36

Indeed.

0:22:360:22:37

Indeed.

0:22:370:22:39

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

0:22:390:22:40

Well, to the matter at hand.

0:22:400:22:43

Sirs, we come to seek your permission.

0:22:430:22:45

Go on.

0:22:450:22:47

Sir Thomas and I have of late formed a certain attachment

0:22:470:22:51

to two very special ladies.

0:22:510:22:54

I see.

0:22:540:22:55

And should their fathers agree,

0:22:550:22:57

and we flatter ourselves that they will...

0:22:570:22:59

an answer in the affirmative would render us the happiest men alive.

0:22:590:23:03

Well come on, man, ask the question.

0:23:050:23:08

-Would you sirs...

-Yes.

0:23:080:23:09

-..do us the very great honour.

-Mmmmm?

0:23:090:23:12

-..of allowing us...

-Yes?

0:23:120:23:14

-..the use of the village hall...

-Right?

0:23:140:23:16

..on the very special occasion of our marriage to....

0:23:160:23:19

Yes?

0:23:190:23:20

Miss Honeywell...

0:23:200:23:22

..and Miss Lavender.

0:23:220:23:23

-GLASSES SHATTER

-Ah, and here they come now. Mum's the word!

0:23:240:23:29

THEY BOTH SCREAM

0:23:300:23:33

THEY CONTINUE TO SCREAM

0:23:410:23:43

May we be of assistance?

0:24:030:24:05

My associate and I have just moved in to the village.

0:24:160:24:19

I believe we are to be neighbours.

0:24:190:24:21

Indeed.

0:24:210:24:22

Indeed.

0:24:220:24:24

-Indeed.

-Indeed.

0:24:240:24:27

'Ladies and gentlemen,

0:24:310:24:34

'Watson and Oliver proudly present

0:24:340:24:36

'the 2012 London Olympics Opening Ceremony.'

0:24:360:24:41

# Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

0:24:440:24:48

# That I love London so

0:24:480:24:51

# Maybe it's... #

0:24:510:24:53

CLOCK CHIMES Oh, look. It's Big Ben.

0:24:530:24:57

Now, ladies and gentlemen, come with us...

0:25:060:25:09

Elementary, my dear Watson!

0:25:090:25:11

No, no, no, not yet.

0:25:110:25:13

Come with us on a journey as we introduce you to

0:25:130:25:16

-some of London's most colourful...

-Elementary, my dear...

0:25:160:25:19

-No!

-No, no.

0:25:190:25:20

She's saying no!

0:25:210:25:24

..some of London's most colourful characters.

0:25:240:25:26

Oh look, it's Baker Street's Sherlock Holmes.

0:25:260:25:30

Oh look, it's Oliver Twist.

0:25:320:25:36

SONG: "Food Glorious Food"

0:25:360:25:38

Hey there, little fella.

0:25:380:25:40

There you go.

0:25:400:25:41

That's all I've got.

0:25:420:25:44

Ow! You little...

0:25:460:25:48

Oh look, it's the Labour MP for Lambeth North.

0:25:480:25:50

THUNDER CLAP

0:25:540:25:55

Oh, no, it looks like rain again.

0:25:550:25:57

BOTH: Typical London.

0:25:570:25:59

SONG: "Umbrella" by Rihanna

0:25:590:26:02

Ingrid. I've dropped my umbrella. Ingrid.

0:26:060:26:09

-Get the rain.

-I can't bend over.

0:26:110:26:13

Get the rain.

0:26:130:26:15

Eh! That's the rain, is it?

0:26:260:26:28

It's all we could afford.

0:26:280:26:31

Oh, look, let's take shelter in that traditional London phone box!

0:26:310:26:35

Ow! You're pushing me.

0:26:470:26:50

'Ladies and gentlemen,

0:26:520:26:55

'Team GB!'

0:26:550:26:57

SONG: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

0:27:000:27:03

-Oh hi, Steve.

-Thanks, Steve.

0:27:250:27:27

Right, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

0:27:300:27:34

The Olympic Cauldron.

0:27:340:27:37

Lorna, will you please fetch the Olympic Torch?

0:27:500:27:53

Ladies and gentlemen, I will now attempt to light the Olympic Cauldron

0:27:550:27:59

using this bow and arrow.

0:27:590:28:03

-Really?

-Yes!

0:28:210:28:24

-The flame's gone out.

-Relight it, please.

0:28:280:28:31

Has anyone got any matches?

0:28:310:28:33

Oh, can you just hold that for me?

0:28:330:28:35

It's all right!

0:28:430:28:45

Crisis averted.

0:28:450:28:46

Oh, no. What happened there?

0:28:490:28:52

You, Lorna. You're what happened there.

0:28:520:28:54

Where are you going?

0:29:000:29:02

I'm going to get off my face drunk, Lorna.

0:29:020:29:04

Oh, can I come?

0:29:040:29:05

Elementary, my dear Watson.

0:29:050:29:06

BOTH: Too late!

0:29:060:29:08

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0:29:230:29:26

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