Episode 5 Watson & Oliver

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello! Good evening.

Welcome to Watson & Oliver, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Ingrid Oliver.

Lorna? What's wrong?

I want you to have this.

Your favourite pot plant.

I got some pretty bad news, so I'm giving away all my possessions.

-All right.

-What's going on?

-I'm dying, Ingrid!

-What?

I've got the plague. All right?

Apparently you don't recover from that. I looked it up on NHS Direct.

I didn't even know the plague was a thing anymore.

No, neither did I.

But what with my luck, I've gone and caught it.

Awful. You poor thing.

-It's the way they tell you.

-Yeah?

-Don't get me wrong,

I really like my dentist but he was so matter-of-fact about it.

Your dentist?

He said, "You've got really bad plague all in your mouth, and all around your upper teeth."

And then he said, "Come back in two weeks."

And I probably won't be alive in two weeks, will I?

-He said plaque, Lorna.

-What?

-You've got plaque.

-Oh, so I'm not going to die then?

-Not of plaque, no, no.

Well that's a relief.

Isn't it? Isn't it?

Oh no... I gave away all my possessions to a donkey sanctuary.

I'd better go and ask for it back now... Awkward.

Enjoy the show.

APPLAUSE

All stations, this is Tango One. I have eyeball.

Repeat, I have eyeball. Over.

Sorry, I...thought you were someone else.

I've nearly got him. All stations on standby.

Sarah! Sarah!

Oh, no.

Sarah! Sarah! Why are you ignoring me?

Ah, no wonder you can't hear me.

You've got your headphones in, silly!

This is Tango One. Position compromised. Repeat, position compromised. Dammit!

Right, now, just listen a minute, be honest.

I bought slippers for Jo, but they didn't have her size in her colour.

So I've gone for the purple, even though she wanted red.

She said tassels, I thought they were more important.

But now I'm looking at them, I'm thinking I don't even know if she likes purple.

-Liz.

-Yeah?

-I'm at work.

-In the park?

Think about it.

-Were you following that man?

-Mm-hmm!

-Is he a baddy then?

Yes he is and when I'm at work, you don't know me.

Remember? You don't know who I am.

Why do I always forget you work for MI5?

Sshhh!

Sorry.

Do you think I got the right slippers?

-Yeah, no, they're really nice actually.

-Soft, aren't they?

RADIO FIZZES INTO ACTION

Oh, that's me. Better go.

See you at Jo's on Saturday?

Er, yeah, I'll see you there... Whoever you are(!)

Sarah?

What did I just say?

That man you're looking for, he's up that tree.

Oh, right.

GUNSHOT

Thanks! Got him.

Righty-ho then, there's your key, Mr Cooper.

It's a modern airy room with a sea view and a window that fully opens.

The room's furnished with a high-backed chair and twill rug,

a la mode, that I believe you'll find most agreeable.

I see you favour the Brylcreem, Mr Cooper.

Best stay away from my antimacassars unless you fancy paying a fine

and I don't suppose you do, Mr Cooper, I don't suppose you do.

Now, I like my guests to be back at Lyndhurst by ten of a night time

and not a second later mind, as that's when I put the chain on

and I shouldn't be inclined to open the door if the King himself

were a-hammering till dawn in a damp, clinging vest,

and naked from the waist down.

If you're a mucky pup, I should say, I won't have no lady friends on the premises

after I've turned the lights down in the parlour.

There were a Scotch fella here last Whitsun, caught him

tip-toeing down the stairs with a lady of very loose virtue!

He tried to claim she was his sister, so he did,

but I knew different.

I'd seen this brazen hussy before.

Excuse the language, Mr Cooper, but her drawers have been up and down

more times than the King himself doing press-ups, shirtless,

on Empire Day before a dawn ride on his best stallion!

I waited for Caledonian to sit down to his bacon and eggs

and then I sent young Sally to fetch the constable.

"Run, pell mell!", says I.

When the constable arrived, you should've seen

the consternation on the Scotch fella's face!

Eyes as wide as if the King himself had shimmied into the parlour

wearing a pair of my bloomers and rubbing Chinese teak oil into his very own nipples.

So, young McTavish was apprehended on the spot

and sent to the Antipodes for seven years' hard labour.

But here's the fun of it, Mr Cooper, when I arrived back at Lyndhurst,

who should be helping himself to the Scotch fella's bacon?

Why, the constable!

A bit of levity for you there, Mr Cooper,

but I believe I've made myself clear.

No sluts, got it?!

Excuse me.

Right, so are there any questions before we go through the agenda?

Yes, Holly?

Actually, Simon, there was one thing.

Where does the company stand on texting during a staff meeting?

Well, we certainly wouldn't encourage it.

That's what I thought.

-If there's nothing else...

-Simon?

-Yes.

Simon, I was wondering where does the company stand on

staff members who carry around a packet of cigarettes

everywhere so that it looks like they've just come back

from a fag break when actually they've just been chatting

with Maria on main reception about how Claire from accounts has

let herself go since the twins, and if she doesn't stop stuffing her face she'll lose her husband?

That's...quite specific.

Where does the company stand on staff stealing from the stationery cupboard

so they can sell them at market on a Saturday?

I...

Speaking of stealing, Simon, where does the company stand

on staff who steal their colleagues' boyfriends?

Oh, that's right, I remember...

He doesn't give a monkey's!

Ladies, could we get back to the staff meeting?

We do have quite a lot to get through.

Yes, Simon.

No problem, Simon.

Right, so...the first point of discussion on the agenda today is staff parking.

As you are aware, there are limited spaces

at the front of the building.

And we've applied to the council to extend the car park

all the way up to Latchmere Road.

Unfortunately, the person who deals with these requests...

Are you ready to order?

Aye, pet. Um, I'll have the butternut squash risotto.

OK. One butternut squash.

So...got a war to go to?

You what?

Oh, shine a light!

Hey, I'm Candy.

And I'm April.

BOTH: And we're Hugh Hefner's new girlfriends!

Yay!

Today we're doing a photo shoot.

It's for the front cover of the sports babe edition so...

it's kind of a big deal.

Who wants to play a round of golf?

How do I look?

Look at me and my bouncing boobs!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, look what I found. Tit-tees.

Look what I can do!

PHOTOGRAPHER: Beautiful!

BUGGY HORN TOOTS

Oh, Hef's coming.

-Yay! Hef's here!

-Love you, puffin!

-Love you, puffin!

HUGH: How are my two favourite golfing partners?

BOTH: Ha-ha-ha, you're so funny, Hef!

So which one of you two lucky ladies wants to help papa with his wood?

Papa wants to practise his follow through.

I'll see one of you in the club house for a hole in one!

Right, well I did it after his asthma attack, so it's definitely your turn.

No, cos I did it after his prostate replacement, so...

But I did it after his triple bypass surgery, so...

Well, I did it during his triple bypass surgery, so...

Well, I did it when he was diagnosed with kidney failure

and had to be hooked up to a dialysis machine, so...

Well, I did it after his stroke when he lost all feeling in the

left-hand side of his body and could only see out of one eye, so...

Well, I can't do it because I promised to Skype a friend of mine

who's fighting for our country in Afghanistan, so...

Well, I can't do it either!

Why not?

Because I have a head trauma!

What?! No, you don't!

CRASH

Damn it!

Fore!

Uh! Well, I'm passing out!

No, Sergeant, we need results and we need them now.

I'll be back at the station in half an hour.

Right Clare, what have we got? I need to get an image out there, ASAP, alert the press.

Hopefully someone will recognise her. A husband, neighbour.

Yes, well, it wasn't easy piecing together the jaw from just

those few bone fragments.

The temporal line was damaged,

the entire orbital plate was absent, as was any cartilage.

However, I think I've managed to construct the face of the victim.

Tina Turner?

Yes.

Sorry, you're saying the mystery body found in the canal

just outside Uxbridge is the American singer, Tina Turner?

Well, it certainly appears that way, Inspector.

Clare. This...this is ridiculous.

Isn't it? I mean, what's she ever done to anyone?

Is there a problem?

Well, yes, actually there is, Clare.

Firstly, I'd say it was doubtful that Ms Turner has spent any time

in the Uxbridge area.

Secondly, and here's the clincher,

I'm fairly certain that Tina Turner is still alive.

Well, you might want to check that.

In fact, this wouldn't be the first time, would it?

What do you mean?

Well. Those remains we found in Epping Forest last summer?

Yes?

According to your handiwork...

Princess Anne.

Look, I can only work with the materials provided, Inspector.

If the bones do form the facial structure of the Princess Royal or indeed irreverent funny man,

Billy Connolly, there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm just saying, you're a tiny bit obsessed with celebrities

and perhaps it's because you didn't get that job at Madame Tussauds.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got someone coming from Time Team

at two, expecting a facial reconstruction

of early Stone Age Man and I don't want to keep them waiting.

Heston Blumenthal?!

Good day, Inspector!

Catherine, do you think we will get into Brigadier Burnham's biannual ball without invitations?

We have to, Lucy.

Mr Bridgewater and Sir Thomas will be there...

And they will be drunk.

Oh, good grief!

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies. Might I see your invitations?

Oh, yes. Certainly you might.

Oh, how odd. I seem to be momentarily dispossessed of my invitation... Lucy?

Unfortunately, Catherine, I too am without my invitation.

Oh, I remember me now. I forgot it.

Aren't we silly things, Lucy? Forgetting to bring our invitations.

Oh yes, we are so silly.

-So very silly.

-The silliest of sillies, aren't we, Catherine?

I do declare we are such silly sillies that we should feel quite at home on the Isles of Scilly!

May I ask for your names?

Our names? Oh yes, your list, your list of names.

Oh! Look yonder!

Your names?

Lady Fortescue, my name is Lady Fortescue.

Thank you. And yours?

Baron Friedrich von Gluckhausen.

Guten abend.

Ladies, may I ask you to step aside?

Oh, Mr Bridgewater?

-Sir Thomas?

-Oh, Sir Thomas!

Mr Bridgewater, it is me, Miss Steeps and Miss Rutherford.

Mr Bridgewater!

Sir Thomas!

-Mr Bridgewater!

-Sir Thomas!

MR BRIDGEWATER!

SIR THOMAS!

Oh, they do not appear to hear us. Never mind.

Ladies, your names are not on the list

so I shall have to insist that you take your leave.

Oh yes, quite right.

With immediate effect.

Oh yes, off we go.

Goodbye.

Go away!

All right.

Rude.

Plan B.

-Help!

-Help! Somebody help us!

Good Lord!

For God's sake, run.

-Help!

-Help!

Good morning.

BOTH: Hiya.

And this is obviously main reception. Waiting area for guests.

Toilets are over there. I think that's about it.

Morning, ladies.

BOTH: Hiya.

This is Jo. She's just joined the marketing team upstairs.

Nice to meet you.

BOTH: Hiya.

Oh, that must be the stationery order that no-one told me arrived.

The phones have been playing up again, have they?

That's right, Carol, they have.

Yes, of course they have.

Anyway, if you've got any admin queries just ask the girls here,

I'm sure they'll be able to help.

Actually, Carol,

we might be a bit too busy seeing as how this is main reception.

Oh, I'm sure you will be, Francine.

I'm just saying if Jo has ever got any quick questions, you know.

-About what, Carol?

-Well you know, admin questions. That kind of thing.

As I said, Carol, it does get quite busy here on main reception.

Yes, of course it does.

Which is presumably why you fail to carry out the jobs I give you which would make my life easier.

I'm just saying, if Jo has a question about the computers,

I'm sure you wouldn't mind...

We don't use computers, Carol.

Health and safety.

What do you mean health and safety?

We don't use the computers, Carol, because it's not safe for our nails.

You don't keep nails in this kind of condition by tapping away

at a computer every day, Carol.

They'd get chipped, Carol!

They'd be ruined, Carol.

And if you've a problem with that, Carol, then that's your problem, Carol, all right?

Jealous of our nails or something, Carol?

Or do you just hate nails in general, Carol? Is that it?

As always, you've been incredibly helpful.

Jo, could you grab the stationery for me?

Certainly, Carol. Right then.

I'll just...grab this.

So if I need anything, I'll ask and you'll do it. All right?

Oh, my God, were those...?

Banana bonanza.

Limited edition.

Only three bottles in existence.

Call the salon, tell them it's an emergency.

No operations today then?

What?

Oh, bum bags!

Emma, this is Bob. He lives next door.

Oh, hi! I'm so glad you could make it.

Welcome to the neighbourhood.

Oh, thank you very much, you shouldn't have.

Emma, you've run out of ice.

Oh, Mel, this is...sorry, I didn't catch your name.

-Bob.

-Bob. This is Mel.

Nice to meet you, Bob. Ice?

Oh, yeah. Bottom freezer drawer.

So, how are you settling in?

Oh, yeah, good, you know.

I've still a few boxes to unpack but everyone's been so friendly round here. It's great.

Can I tempt either of you to a sausage roll?

Erm, Nick, this is...erm... Sorry, I've forgotten your name.

Bob. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Bob.

So, Rob, how long have you lived here?

-It's Bob.

-Of course it is, sorry.

Me and the wife have been here three years.

Oh, veterans then.

-Em, people want to know where to put coats?

-Just pop them in my bedroom.

Oh, Tom, have you met my new neighbour?

This is Bahhh...

This is Behhhh...

This is Brrrr...

Bob. It's Bob.

Wow, that really isn't going in.

Nice to meet you, Bob.

Tom's a marine biologist. Now, are you all right for a drink, Babs?

-Bob.

-BOB! Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. You're name is Bob.

My neighbour Bob. Got it! Sorry, I'm so rubbish with names.

Right, Bob, let's introduce you to the rest of the party, shall we?

Everyone, I'd like you to meet my new neighbour.

This is Ali, Tim, Hannah, Charlie, Katie, Lucius, Leopold,

Horatio, Heraldo, John-James, John-Jo, John-Ross,

John-Thomas, Delicia, Daneka, Tameka, Tamara, Vladislav,

Aristophanes, Thaddeus, Concepcion, Xerxes and Winston.

Everyone, this is...

I want to say Boobs?

Bob! It's Bob!

You stupid, thoughtless, idiot woman!

It's B.O.B. It's Bob!

To be fair, it is a really unusual name.

The great hall of the Capulets where Romeo first lays eyes on Juliet.

Moving along to where we last left off. Bea, could you be Tybalt?

And, Fee, could you read Capulet?

Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe. A villain that is hither come in spite.

To scorn at our solemnity this night.

Young Romeo, is it?

'Tis he, that villain, Romeo.

OK. Let's hold it there.

Umm... So what does Tybalt think about the presence

of a Montague in the house of Capulet? Bea?

I don't know.

Well, think about it.

I think he thinks it's nice.

Are you sure?

He thinks it's really nice?

What word did he just use to refer to Romeo?

Um...

Anyone? Yes, Fee?

Is it "nice"?

No, he calls him a villain, doesn't he? "That villain, Romeo."

So what does he think about Romeo being at the feast then?

Bea?

He doesn't think it's nice.

That's right.

In fact, he goes on to say, "When such a villain is a guest:

"I'll not endure him."

-BOTH:

-Really?

Good. So what does this tell us about Tybalt?

What do we think of him? Hmm! Yes?

Nice?

No. Come on. Yes?

-BOTH:

-Not nice?

Yes, but try using different words. Bea?

The opposite of nice?

Yes and what's the opposite of nice? Fee?

Not nice?

-Yes, but give me another word for that.

-Really?

Really what?

Really not nice.

OK, let's try using some different adjectives. How about vociferous?

Yes?

What does that mean?

It means...well, he's strident, isn't he? Yes?

What does that mean?

It means a quarrelsome character. Yes?

What does that mean?

He can't hide his disapproval, his hatred. He's brassy.

What does that mean?

-It means he's aggressive. He's got a temper. He's boisterous and argumentative.

-What does that mean?

It means he personifies hatred. He's proud and unchangeable.

Yes?

-ALL:

-What does that mean?

It means he's not very nice, OK?

-ALL:

-Really? Is he not very nice?

No, he's really, really not very nice. OK?

-ALL:

-Totally.

BELL RINGS

Oh, thank God.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, Lord Sugar.

Lord Sugar will...

Lord Sugar...

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I've forgotten my line.

Cut!

I know it. I'm so sorry.

It's, "Lord Sugar will see you now."

-Lord Sugar will see you now.

-Yeah.

-Lord Sugar will see you now.

-OK. We'll go again. Positions everyone, please.

Lord Sugar will see you now.

Action!

PHONE RINGS

Yes, Lord Sugar.

You can all go on holiday.

Cut!

What did I say? I'm so sorry.

-Yeah. Going again.

-What's my line again?

-It's, "Lord Sugar will see you now."

-Lord Sugar won't see you now.

No, no, Lord Sugar WILL see you now.

Oh, Lord Sugar WILL see you now?

Yeah. Got it?

Yes. Yes. That makes more sense.

Of course he will.

Great.

Lord Sugar will see you now.

-Lord Sugar will see you now.

-Action!

PHONE RINGS

Yes, Lord Sugar.

Two for a pound, lovely cabbages!

How was that?

Hiya.

Oh, hello.

You, er, getting married today then, are you?

What?

Oh, my God! What time is it?

Five past two.

Poo balls!

-Your white wine, Miss Graf.

-Danke.

Steffi?

Steffi Graf?

Boris. Boris Becker.

Yes, sir? What can I get for you?

Ein whisky, bitte. Mit eis.

Very good, sir.

Boris, wie geht's?

Gut, gut danke, und dir?

Danke, gut, ja.

Und... Andre Agassi?

Ja. Erm...ist mein mann.

Und du? Bist du noch mit...erm...mit...erm...mit...

-Barbara.

-Barbara!

Nein, ich hatte sex in einem restaurant und ja,

das war nicht so gut.

Hast du babies?

Ja, ja, ich habe zwei babies.

Zwei babies.

Ja. Und du...babies?

-Drei.

-Drei?

Zwei mit meiner ex, Barbara und dann

hatte ich sex in einem restaurant...

..ein, zwei...ja...drei in total.

Ah, wunderbar.

Wow, Steffi deine muskeln!

Ich mache cross training und pilates.

Und deine haare ist...so blonde.

Boris, bitte.

Und deine lippen, sie sind so gros und super sexy.

Boris, nein!

Ach, komm, Steffi! Es war so gut.

Ich kann nicht!

Agassi ist ein dummkopf!

-Boris, schtop!

-Aber ich liebe dich!

Oh, Boris!

MUSIC: "Wind Of Change" by Scorpions

# Follow the Moskva

# Down to Gorky Park

# Listening to the wind of change

# An August summer night

# Soldiers passing by

# Listening to the wind of change... #

Boris...nein!

Ich liebe Agassi.

Was? Aber...

Auf wiedersehen, Boris.

Scheisse!

Can I get you anything else, Mr Becker?

Ja. New balls, please!

PHONE RINGS

Yes, Lord Sugar.

Lord Sugar will...

SHE BARKS MADLY

CUT!

Woof. Woof.

Pat's told me all about you.

Oh, has she now?

This is just ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous. This is our first child we're having.

You have it then!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd