Episode 1 Watson & Oliver

I just think if we're going to win this account,

we need to prioritise our strengths,

so that's logistics, focus our energies on European experience...

Sorry...what are you doing?

Oh, keep going, I'm listening. I just don't want to walk on the cracks.

Right, erm.

So, yeah, we need projections of our costings

so I'll speak to David and set up a meeting as soon as possible.

Actually, do you mind not doing that? You're not six.

-I know I'm not six.

-Well, then why won't you walk on the cracks? It's childish.

Look, we have an image to maintain,

we're meant to be professionals, remember?

SHE SCREAMS

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Joanne? Yeah, it's Caroline, Katie won't make the meeting.

Bear got her.

This one's in from Middlesex...

What's the situation?

RTA - truck driver.

What happened?

Impact to the chest. Missed his turning but took it anyway.

He's in shock. BP 50/30.

We need to act fast.

Nurse, call radiology. Tell them we'll need a portable chest scan.

Nurse, not so fast. What's his BP?

140.

He'll need eight milligrams of adrenaline

and three milligrams of atropine.

We're struggling find the family.

So no information on any allergies?

'Fraid not.

I'll tread carefully.

He's crashing!

Then let's get things moving.

Doctors, we're running out of time.

-Come on, then.

-Good luck.

Doctors, your hands!

CAMERA CLICKS

KNOCK ON DOOR

In!

Your husband, Prime Minister.

Oh, hello, darling. Everything all right?

Mike and Lucy have been waiting next door for almost an hour.

Mike and Lucy? Why?

We're having dinner with them, remember?

-It's been in the diary for weeks.

-Yes, yes, of course, I remember.

Absolutely. Lovely boozy Mike and lovely chatty Lucy.

Yes, well, Lucy's brought their wedding photos with her.

She's very keen to show them to you.

That sounds...great. I'll just switch this off.

Oh! Oh, no!

What is it?

It's an e-mail from the...Europe. Looks like it's all kicking off.

Really?

Yes, looks like I'll have to have a little chat with our friends across the channel.

Sort their mess out. As per. Get me Merkel!

Yes, looks like the future of our economy and the jobs of millions

of British men and women are going to be decided by my actions over

the next few hours, yikes, so I probably won't be able to make...

-Oh, no, you don't.

-What?

-Tonight, we are having dinner with our friends.

-YOUR friends.

And if you think for a second that I'm

buying your guff about Angela Merkel and a European crisis,

then you really must think I'm a very stupid man indeed.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Angela Merkel to see you about the European crisis, Prime Minister.

-Frances!

-Angela!

SHE SPEAKS GERMAN

SHE REPLIES IN GERMAN

She's really not happy.

I think we're looking at an all-nighter here, my love. Do you mind?

No. God, no, of course.

I'll tell Mike and Lucy something came up.

-Thanks, darling.

-See you later.

Bye...um...Angela.

Dummkopf!

MERKEL LAUGHS

So, erm, this is me.

Wow. Nice neighbourhood.

Mm. Oh.

Look, erm, I know this is the first date

but, erm, I don't suppose you wanted to come in for a quick drink?

I'd love to.

Come on, then.

SHE SIGHS So, here we are!

Oh, gosh, this place is a real tip, actually, sorry...let me just erm...

That's better. So, just, er, make yourself at home, really.

Wait, this is...what?

Oh, drinks! Sorry, I'll just...I'll get them.

So, we've got, er, skinny latte, er, or....Coke?

No...thanks. Sarah?

-Yep?

-Do you live on a bench?!

Well, "benchette".

Yeah, it's tad cosy, but the boards are original, which is nice.

But...your bedroom...?!

Ooh, easy tiger.

Let me just slip into something a little more...comfortable.

Oh!

CHIMES

So, where were we?

Sarah, I'm not entirely happy with...

Ssh!

Can I borrow some money, please?

MUSIC: "I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" by Scissor Sisters

# Wake up in the morning with a head like "what you done?"

# This used to be the life but I don't need another one

WHISTLE BLOWS

# Good luck cuttin' nothin' carrying on, you wear them gowns

# So how come I feel so lonely when you're up getting down?

# So I play along when I hear that special song

# I'm gonna be the one who gets it right

# You better know when you're swingin' round the room

# Look's like the magic's solely yours tonight

# But I don't feel like dancin' When the old Joanna plays

# My heart could take a chance But my two feet can't find a way

# You'd think that I could muster up a little soft, shoop devil sway

# But I don't feel like dancin' No sir, no dancin' today

# Don't feel like dancin', dancin' Even if I find nothin' better to do

# Don't feel like dancin', dancin'

# Why'd you break it down when I'm not in the mood?

# Don't feel like dancin', dancin'

# Rather be home with the phone when I can't get down with you... #

MUSIC ENDS

MUSIC: "True" by Spandau Ballet

# Huh huh huh hu-uh huh

# Huh huh huh hu-uh huh

# So true, funny how it seems

# Always in time

# But never in line for dreams

# Head over heels when toe to toe

# This is the sound of my soul... #

-Hi, Ingrid!

-Oh, hello. Good weekend?

Yeah, yeah, it was great.

Had a good old catch up with Valerie,

so, yeah, it was lots of fun!

PHONE RINGS, VALERIE RINGTONE

It's Valerie.

# Why don't you come on over, Valerie

# Why don't you come on over, Valerie

# Why don't you come on... #

Hello. Hi, Valerie!

Yeah, no, I just got in.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, you crack me up. All right, bye.

What's with the new ringtone?

Oh, I just set up specific ringtones for certain people.

Oh. Right, long train journey, then?

I've got Starman for my brother.

You know, cos he likes David Bowie and he's a little star.

Aw, that's quite nice, actually.

Having a ringtone to say how really feel about somebody. What's mine?

Hm? Oh. Nothing.

Oh. Is it Beautiful by Christina Aguilera?

No.

Erm...ooh, You're My Best Friend by Queen?

-Yeah.

-Aw!

That's what I've got for you!

Let's have a listen.

PHONE DIALS

PSYCHO THEME RINGTONE

Hello?

Hello, Lorna. It's your former best friend here.

But I suppose you already knew that because I've got a special ringtone.

-Ingrid, don't be like that

-I'm going out.

But I chose it for a good reason,

cos you're really intense and you like...showers.

SHE SIGHS

PHONE DIALS

RINGTONE

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid Lorna.

It's stupid...

RINGTONE STOPS

MICROWAVE BEEPS

-You seen my phone? I left it in here.

-No.

Yeah, you have. You're holding it in your hand.

No, that's my phone.

No, it's not, it's got my screen saver.

Stupid Lorna. Stupid Lorna. Stupid Lorna...

Hello, girls.

Just letting you know that Mummy's stuck at work again

so she won't be home before bedtime. I'm so sorry.

They've gone left!

DOGS BARKING, GUNSHOTS

I'm out! Harris!

GUNFIRE, SHOUTING

Here you go. Oh, hello!

This is Sergeant Harris. He works for Mummy.

Well, not "for".

-It's an inter-departmental liaison, so I work WITH...

-Get down!

GUNFIRE

So have a lovely sleep

and Mummy will see you first thing in the morning.

BLOWS KISSES

Right, I'm going for door! Cover me! Go! Go! Go!

Right, so, er, that's the cheese...er...there. So that's done.

So, what are you doing, Susan? What are you doing?

BELL RINGS

Oh, right!

So, that's good. Yes.

Good morning, Madame.

Ah, yes, be with you in just a second.

Erm, yes, so that's off.

Greaseproof paper's there, cheese is here, greaseproof paper. Yes?

Pardonnez moi, Madame? Vous parlez francais?

Ah, right. Yes. No. Yes. No. Erm, sorry. Where are we?

Where were we? France! Le France! Le francais.

Erm, French. Yes, erm, so...em...

Bonsoir. Oh, oh. What are you saying, Susan? That's evening.

Buongiorno. No, Italian!

Jour, I mean bonjour! Bonjour, jour. Jour. Bonjour to you...erm...

Welcome to Blakely Manor.

Right. Done the bonjour bit, so that's done.

Er, yes, so...you want to entree?

Vous voulez-vous voulez voulez voulez...?

Enter, yes. But we do not to speak too good of English so....

Um. No. Yes. So...attendez...attendez, la...

While I get the, er, the er...French audio guides.

Les...les....les....Walkmans. Les Walkmans.

Les Marches Hommes.

Marches Hommes for the audio. Attendez. Attendez. Attendez.

What are you looking for, Susan? Audio, audio, audio, audio, audio, audio...

Right, got those!

Er, oh dear. Who's left these in a...erm...?

Diane!

Someone's left these in a bit of a...

Er, right, so...

That's, er, £4.50 each for entry plus the audio commentary.

So, that's £2.50 each, so, that's, er...

No, that just goes round there. No, I'll do that. Thank you. No.

I don't know if you're helping me or I'm helping you now!

No. I'll just take that, cos you haven't paid for it yet.

Eight, nine, ten, 11. I'll just...er...

Thank you and...that's £14 please.

But, er, I would also like to buy some cheese.

Yes. Right. Cheese. Yes. Le chezz. Erm...yes, so, right...

Ein, ein... Ein moment.

One second, I'll just pop these...pop these back on.

How do I pop these back on?

Can't get my hands in the...thing. That'll do. Doesn't matter.

Sweaty fingers. Been one of those days. But lovely day for a...right!

Move these for the cheese. Er, yes...

Right.

But we only want half of this, please.

You only want half?

Yes, right. So, how do I...what do I...?

I just need to, er...I don't think we've got anything to cut

the, erm, erm, er...Diane! I need to cut the French!

I mean cheese! I mean chez! No! Erm, what are you doing, Susan?

What are you doing? I need to find a knife!

Oh! Look, Prince Harry!

Right, er...

Let's just call it £10 for the lot, shall we?

Do you take euros?

Diane!

Next up, Charles and Eddie. Would I Lie To You?

# Look into my eyes

# Can't you see they're open wide

# Would I lie to you, baby? Would I lie to you?

# Oh, yeah

# Don't you know it's true

# Girl, there's no-one else but you

# Would I lie to you, baby? Yeah

# Everybody wants to know the truth

# In my arms is the only proof

# I'm telling you baby you will never find another girl

# In this heart of mine

# Oh

-# Look into my eyes

-Look into my eyes

# Can't you see they're open wide

# Would I lie to you, baby? Would I lie to you?

# Oh, yeah

# Everybody's got their history

# History

# On every page, a mystery

# It's a mystery

# You can read my diary, you're in every line

# Jealous minds are never satisfied

# I'm telling you, baby you will never find another girl

-# In this heart of mine

-In this heart of mine

# Woo!

# Look into my... # Oh!

Do you know, I get so annoyed with all our friends

obsessing about when we're going to get married.

I mean, I know we've been together for, what, seven years now,

but just because they've all conformed to this ridiculous

social stereotype doesn't mean that we have to.

No, I was never one of those girls that

fantasised about you know, the "fairytale wedding",

with the dresses and the bridesmaids.

SHE LAUGHS

I mean, we love each other, right?

And that's all that counts.

No, I don't need some piece of paper to...

Izzy?

Oh, my God! Mark! Yes! Yes! Yes, I will marry you!

DINERS APPLAUD

Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you!

Oh, my God, I thought you'd never ask.

I love you so much. Come here!

Oh, my God!

You were you going to ask about the, erm, napkin.

Yep, yes.

It's, it's stuck under your chair.

No, I haven't got it, you need to lift up, lift up your chair.

Got it. Got it.

Can we have the bill, please?

-But I was going to get a pudding.

-Don't you dare.

Can I help you?

Oh, this colour looks well good on you, babes.

You should wear it Saturday night.

-Do you reckon?

-Definitely.

Oh, yeah, I look proper fit, don't I?

Nadia? Emma? Customer waiting?

Customer.

Can I help you, madam?

Oh, yes, thank you.

I'm going to my daughter's graduation next week,

she got a first in Classics at Warwick University.

I don't know where she gets her brains from, certainly not from me.

Well, anyway, I've just bought a lovely red dress

and I was just trying to find a lipstick to go with it.

I thought, I thought perhaps this one. What do you think?

What I think is, is that you're too old for that lipstick.

I beg your pardon?

Ah, she's losing her hearing, you're too old for that lipstick.

Nadia! Emma! Apologise to the lady immediately.

What? I'm just being honest. She can't wear that lipstick

cos of all them wrinkles she's got round her mouth.

She's right. It'll leak everywhere.

I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it's the truth and I'm not gonna

stand here and tell a blatant lie cos that's what you wanna hear.

-Don't.

-Cos I wouldn't be being myself and I've gotta be true to myself.

-Always.

-And I'm never gonna apologise for being myself.

-Don't.

-Cos then I'd be lying to myself

and I'm never gonna do that cos I'm a really honest person.

-She is.

-And that's just who I am.

-Emma, I'm warning you...

-Can I be honest, Michelle?

-You're coming off really aggressive right now.

-You are actually.

I know you're having a rough time cos Ted left you for a 22-year-old

but maybe if you took more care of yourself in the lady area...

-Bit of a tidy.

-..He wouldn't have gone.

I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I'm not gonna not tell the truth

just cos you don't wanna hear it. Sometimes the truth hurts.

-It does.

-If you don't want to hear it, you shouldn't ask me

cos I'll speak the truth cos I'm such an honest person and...

-That's just who I am.

-That's just who she is.

-Get out.

We will get out. We're getting out right now.

Oh, and by the way, the 22-year-old Ted's shacked up with? It's Beth.

We seen 'em down Ritzy.

I knew it.

-You've just got to be honest, haven't you?

-Absolutely.

Hello and welcome to Realistic Cooking. I'm Shirley.

And I'm Jenny.

Tonight I'm going to be showing you how to make a realistic lamb casserole.

I'm going to do what most people do, and make a pudding quite badly.

Right, so let's start with that casserole.

Now, for your casserole, you're going to need some lamb.

Most cuts will do, although I didn't make it to the shops in time,

so I'm making my lamb with chicken.

Will any chicken do, Shirley?

Well this is all I had in the freezer, so it'll have to.

OK. Now we're going to want some body to the casserole,

so we're going to add some vegetables.

Err, carrots work well, as do leeks and onions.

-What have you got there?

-Oh, some broccoli.

As I said, I didn't make it to the shops in time.

I'm going to put that into the casserole dish and,

as you can see, I haven't actually cleaned that

since the last time I last used it.

That's just what happens, so let's go with it.

Jen! Do you want to talk us through your pudding?

Sure, yes. Well, I was going to show you how to make a tarte Tatin.

Then of course I realised that I didn't know what that was

so I'm just going to make apple pie instead.

Now, as you can see, I've already made the pastry case for this,

and if you look carefully, Shirley,

you can see that this bit here is completely burnt.

It is, yeah. And of course, all around here as well.

Pretty much everywhere, really.

And that's because I was on the phone to a friend

and simply forgot all about it. That will happen.

If it's not the phone, it's someone at the door,

or the kids getting on your tits

and you may as well just accept that the whole thing is going to be

burnt to buggery and move on.

Anyway, what I'm going to do next is get some apples,

or in my case, grapes.

Oh, unusual.

Yes. Well, that's what the moron from my home supermarket

delivery service decided was the closest thing to apples. So his bad.

While you half-heartedly wash those,

I'm going to carry on with making my lamb and carrot casserole,

which I'm making with chicken and broccoli.

I'm going to pop some cauliflower in there as well.

-Why's that?

-Oh, because it needed eating up, frankly.

-Is it on the turn?

-Oh, It's doing summersaults.

But I'm two glasses of white wine down so I couldn't give a toss.

Now the stock is very important.

So it's just a shame that I haven't got any.

Of course, you can make your own by simply boiling down the bones.

THEY LAUGH

Just taking the piss. As if!

So water it is.

Now, you can also use white wine, but frankly why pour it on food

when you could be pouring it down your neck instead.

We'll shove it in the oven. Time to watch a some Downton Abbey

and it should be done.

-MICROWAVE BEEPS

-Jenny.

Yes, well, erm...my grape flan's all but finished.

And by finished I mean ruined.

As you can see, I've accidentally put it in a microwave

instead of the oven, so the grapes have all been exploded

and the pastry's gone soggy.

Now all we have to do is pop that in the bin.

I'll turn off the oven, because frankly no one's going to want to

eat chicken, broccoli and cauliflower in water.

-And go and order a takeaway.

-Still watch Downton though.

Oh, yes. BOTH: See you next week.

CAT MEOWS

Mornin', nurse!

'Midwifery is the very stuff of life.

'A midwife is in the thick of it, she sees it all.

'I knew nothing of poverty or filth...'

Apples and pears? Dog and bones?

'Of families sleeping four to a bed...'

She's in there.

Been screaming the house down all morning, she has.

'In short, I knew nothing of life itself.'

Thank you...commoners.

'Never in all my days, had I seen such squalor.

'I crossed over to the bed and said...'

Mrs Harris, I'm...

'Mrs Harris, I'm Nurse Nancy.'

Yes, I'll take it from here. Thank you.

'Sorry.'

How are you feeling, Mrs Harris?

Well, Nurse, I've been diddlin' on me rinky dinks for the last

square 'n fivepence, trying to scraggle out a tiggywink.

Right. Um...

Oh! Well, we'd better get this baby delivered then, hadn't we?

Can I go down the pub now?

No, Mr Harris. We need hot water and clean towels.

Hot water and clean towels?

Yes, Mr Harris. As many as you can find.

Right-o then.

Now, I'm just going to examine you, Mrs Harris, so try to relax.

Well, that all looks fine. Is this your first child, Mrs Harris?

Not exactly.

Golly.

Here you go, Nurse, hot water and clean towels.

Thank you, Mr Harris.

Can I go down the pub now?

No, Mr Harris. We need hot water and clean towels.

As many as you can find.

Right-o then.

He seems like a good man, Mrs Harris.

He's all right.

I suppose you're wondering if I've got a fella.

SHE MOANS IN PAIN

Well you see, there's this one chap who I sort of like,

but I don't know if I actually love him.

Have you ever had that?

SHE GRUNTS

No, I don't suppose you have.

And then there's this other fella, who I'm madly in love with,

but he's married so you see, it's sort of really complicated.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, I know what you're thinking, Mrs Harris, with this flawless skin

and glossy hair, there's no chance of me being on my own for long.

And do you know what, Mrs Harris? I think you're probably right.

SHE SCREAMS

We've run out of hot water and clean towels.

-So I got these instead.

-Thank you, Mr Harris.

Oh! Oh! It's coming, the baby's coming!

Right, Mrs Harris! Push!

SHE SCREAMS, BABY CRIES

Well done, Mrs Harris. You've done it!

What is it, Nurse? Let me see.

It's...

A cockney.

Sounds like I've arrived just in time.

Sister Bridget!

Is it the end of the episode yet?

Yes, Sister.

Lovely. Well, that can only mean one thing.

Tea and cake?

-Oooh, lovely.

-Yes, please.

'Looking around that room, I no longer saw squalor and filth

'and cockneys, I saw only squalor and filth and cockneys and...cake.'

Can I go down the pub now?

ALL: No, Mr Harris!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd