Episode 6 Watson & Oliver

My child.

You wished to see me?

Yes, sir. I have a request.

It's the Widow Maroni.

She owes me money.

How much?

200.

Money...

Money is a dirty thing.

I'll see what I can do.

I owe your late husband very much.

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry.

What is this?

You're meant to kiss it.

Oh!

Well, I thought, you know, well, if you didn't, then I...

I just randomly started kissing your hand, that'd be so embarrassing.

No, no. I want a kiss.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, right, yes.

Kissy-kissy.

Yep, just a moment, maybe if I, just, er...

Are you sure you just don't want a hug?

No, get up, you've made it weird now!

No, no, just give me a minute.

No tongues! Get out!

Right, sorry. Thank you, sorry, sorry, thank you.

Ah, babe, you look so beautiful.

I can't believe I'm getting married.

Neither can I.

Er, what are these?

Oh, those are your bouquets. Do you like 'em?

-We said pink flowers.

-I know but...

-These are lilac, Lis.

I was just worried with the pink dresses...

I hate lilac, Lisa, you know that.

Seriously, I can't even look at them, they make me feel sick.

-Don't worry, babes.

-Thanks babes.

-I'm sorry, Nads, I didn't know.

-Just take these ones, babes.

-Ah, cheers

-Actually, Em, those are mine.

So, what you saying? She can't have 'em?

Brilliant, so I'm going to walk down the aisle without

a bouquet like some freak? Thanks, Lisa.

I'm sorry, Nads, but I've got to have a bouquet. I'm the bride!

Do you know what, Lis?

I'm not being funny, yeah, but you're coming across

as really self-obsessed right now.

-You are.

-And I know it's your wedding and that,

but at the end of the day, it's not all about you

and I'm sorry if that upsets you,

but I've got to speak my mind, cos I always tell it like it is,

cos that's just who I am.

I've got to be true to myself, cos if I'm not being true to myself,

-then I'm lying to myself.

-Don't do that.

And I ain't never going to do that, cos I'm such an honest person.

-She is.

-Em, it's her wedding day!

-Back off, Mish.

I'm not going to stand here and pretend I don't know for a fact

you think you look like Kate Middleton right now.

You actually look like Em's nan and she's like 100 years old.

-She's well ancient.

-You probably can't hear what I'm saying cos you're so in love with yourself.

I ain't never going to not tell the truth,

-just cos it's like your special day or something.

-That's right.

I'd be two-faced and that's just not what I'm about,

cos I'm about keeping it real, cos I'm a really honest person.

-That's just who I am.

-Who she is.

I chose you to be bridesmaids, cos you're my ugliest friends

and I knew you wouldn't upstage me on my big day.

What? Just being honest.

OK, so next up is the fight sketch.

Gareth and myself have had a chat about this and we think

the best way to go about this one is to bring in some body doubles.

-Oh, OK.

-Great.

We've asked them to come in today, actually,

so we can block it through.

Shall I just go and...

Grab them, we'll have a look, see what we think.

Do you want to come in?

Oh! Hello, hi, I'm Lorna, nice to meet you.

Hi, wow gosh, it's like looking in a mirror!

-I think it's uncanny.

-That's brilliant!

I think you're being a little generous there, no?

-And Ingrid, this is your body double.

-Great.

Thanks for coming in..

Hi.

Guys, I don't think this is going to work actually.

Oh, yeah, God, sorry.

Wow, Ingy, that's amazing.

That's quite, er, freaky, actually.

You know, with the wig on,

I actually genuinely can't tell who's who.

Sorry, sorry, can you all not see one fairly major problem here?

Oh, yes, I know he's a man,

but we're not showing faces, so it won't be a problem.

I didn't mean that. Well, there's that as well, yes.

It's just that... well, you know..

-He's...

-What?

Erm... Well, he's...

And I'm...

-I don't follow.

-OK, just look at him, Gareth.

-What you talking about, darlin?

-Are you serious?

No?

He's bloody enormous!!!

Sorry.

Darling...

-You're exactly the same size.

-What?!! Don't be ridiculous!

Really?!

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, God!

Guys will you just, erm, I'm just going to...

Erm... I'll see...

Actually, his bottom isn't quite right.

Do you think we could get some kind of padding or..?

-Oh, yes, no problem.

-Large it up.

We can make it...

I know I shouldn't have any of these, but I have to say,

-I've been so good today.

-Oh, have you?

Yeah, I've barely had anything at all.

So, for breakfast what did I have?

I had a small bowl of porridge...

'Here we go.'

with just a little a teaspoon of honey and skimmed milk,

then, I had, what did I have?

Oh, then I had a glass of orange juice...

Oh, and then I had a pear just before lunch.

Lunch was, er...

'Please, stop talking.'

Then I had like a low fat pot of natural yoghurt,

with just like a slice of...

'Oh, my God, she's going to do the entire day.'

Then I had a chicken breast with like a basic salad...

so that was kind of like lettuce, tomato, carrot...

BABY CRIES

It's your turn.

Oh, can't you go? I'm shattered.

No, I've got a very important meeting tomorrow.

Have you?

I told you. We've got a team building breakfast first thing.

Suppose I'd better go, then.

Oh, no, I forgot. I've got that COBRA meeting tomorrow.

Maybe you should go after all.

It's your turn!

CRYING CONTINUES

You know, as Prime Minister,

I could technically order you to go feed the baby.

-I order you to go feed the baby!

-What? No way!

Oh, dear, I'm afraid that is treason.

-What? How is that treason?

-You're disobeying the Queen.

-No I'm not!

-Yes, you are.

The Queen, ordered me to form a government,

and as head of that government, I'm telling you to go feed the baby.

Ergo, if you disobey me, you're actually disobeying the Queen.

Well, you'll just have to clap me in irons

and lock me in the tower, because it's your turn!

If that's your final answer, Jeff,

then I'm sorry, but you leave me absolutely no choice but...

ALARMS RING

Hah!

Oh God! Oh God!

Fine! You win!

POLICE DOGS BARK

Signor Santanos, please follow me, your guest is already here.

For your discretion.

Senor.

Gracias.

And, erm, bring us a bottle of your finest champagne.

Ola, my darling.

Carlos!

Hey, what is wrong with your head?

Oh, it's nothing.

I was in a china shop and, well, you know how it goes.

My clumsy little Toro.

Ahem, Your champagne, Sir.

Gracias.

And do you know what you'd like to order?

Si, for me I will have the vegetarian tagine.

And would it be possible to have that with a little bowl of grass?

I'll ask chef. And for you, sir?

-I will have the fillet of beef.

-Carlos!

Oh, my darling. I'm so sorry. I will just take a salad, thank you.

Sweetie, how is your friend?

Oh, he's still at the vets, it doesn't look good.

Unfortunately, that final spear that you drove into his lungs

is causing some complications.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he makes it.

He was a good bull.

Si.

Toro, there is something I want to ask you.

What I want to ask you is...

Will you marry me?

But, Carlos!

It fits!

Carlos, I want to say yes,

but your people and my people, they'll never allow it!

Then we must move to a place where a bull and a matador can be together.

-Norfolk?

-Si, we leave tonight.

Oh, no, they have found us.

Amigos! Como estas?

Where is the bull?

Hey, Pedro, nice cape?

Where is the bull?

There is no bull here.

Toro, run!

But I have no incentive!

Thirsty, exhausted with blood trickling out of my nose,

I made my solemn vow, that no man would be a party to the

confidential knowledge of operations that I would forever carry...

..in my fighter's heart.

That's Secrets of the SAS, £15.99.

I'll be in the foyer to sign copies.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Derek, sorry, I mean, Mr A.

We're privileged now to offer you something of a coup.

Indeed her latest offering, A Darker Shade of Beige,

has been called the latest voice in middle-aged Mummy erotic literature.

Expect things to get steamy now as we welcome E.L. Phillips.

Nice to see you all this afternoon.

I've been asked to read a bit from my book, A Darker Shade.

Chapter seven.

Eleanor wandered into the beautifully appointed kitchen.

There he was, brooding, enigmatic, perched against the Aga,

with fingers casually caressing one of her lovely French pans,

which she always left out to give it that rural look she'd seen

in that Sophie Dahl photo shoot in Homes and Gardens.

She was just reaching for her Kath Kidston apron, when he pounced.

Grabbing, um...

Grabbing, grabbing...

Well, grabbing both actually, of her...

Basically, so then he...

Then he sort of...

spanks her, um...

spanks her, um....

on the bottom and then...

Then, oh, yes, then, here we are...

They stood embracing against the antique table.

He smiled at her, thrusting his....

Well, yes, thrusting his erm...

Thrusting his, you know, his dingle dangle.

His oojamaflip!

Um, anyway, and then she...

Then she...

Then she does a...

You know, does a...

She sort of treats him to a erm....

Thinga-me-bob.

And then, yes, he sort of ties her up on the um...

You know, sort of throws her down on the...

Well, it's a nice slate floor from Fired Earth, actually...

And...

Yes, that's pretty much it actually, that's chapter seven.

-Thank you.

-Has anybody got any questions?

Oh, no!

Don't listen to Michelle.

She's hardly the best person to dish out relationship advice.

She's been divorced three times!

Yeah.

-Now, this is weird.

-What? What's weird?

This. That's so odd, I've just had a really bizarre flashback to a dream

I had last night.

'Oh, great.'

It was exactly like this, right, except you weren't there

-and it wasn't on a balcony.

-Mm-hm.

And, um, oh, I know where it was, it was in a massive field...

'Other people's dreams, my favourite.'

No, no, it wasn't. It was, I know!

It was the old playing fields from my old school.

There was this massive group of people and they were playing cricket.

So I go over to them but I was running this B&B on the beach

and then, then I was in Hawaii...

Right!

And you know who was there?

-Go on.

-Steve Guttenberg. Do you remember him?

-Wow!

MUSIC BLARES FROM UPSTAIRS

Fi, will you please turn that music down?

I tell you what, I envy you two having the boys.

I am totally outnumbered in my own home.

She's got her friend Bea round.

The amount of bloody time that girl spends here,

I'm going to start charging her parents rent.

They'd probably pay it if it meant getting rid of her for a bit.

LAUGHTER

Oh, hi, Bea.

Hey, Mr and Mrs Edwards.

Mum, can me and Bea show you our dance routine?

No, darling. We're just in the middle of dinner.

-Please?

-I don't think now's the time, OK?

But, it's really quick.

Yah, it's like, so quick.

Listen, I don't think Liz and John want to see you do a dance routine, OK?

But it's really nice.

Yah, it's a really nice dance routine.

Yah, I really like it. It's really nice.

Hey, we'd love to see your dance routine, wouldn't we, Liz?

MUSIC: Notorious by The Saturdays.

No, not yet.

-OK, that's enough.

-TURNS MUSIC OFF

Did you like it?

Yes, goodness, it was, um, very nice.

Can we do another one, please?

No!

Thanks very much. Bye -bye!

What if he calls me a bitch?

-This is your first redundancy, Liz, be positive.

-OK.

But there is always the chance that they will call you a bitch. That's the hell of HR, I'm afraid.

-Right.

-KNOCKING

Peter! Hilary Swimmer, Head of HR. Ignore me.

I'm just here to observe, as Liz's mentor.

-That's fine.

-I think you know Liz.

-Yes.

Liz'll be the one sacking you today

-You're sacking me?

-Liz?

Right, so... Thank you for coming in, Pete.

As you know, we've had a difficult year

-and projections have been poor.

-So I'm out?

Jeez, slow down, will you? Can I just say "Sandwich", Liz?

-Always give them a bit of good news first.

-OK, um...

Your punctuality is really good and you've been a brilliant

designated first-aider but management did a 360...

-Can I go now?

-Sit down and cut her some slack, will you?

She's never sacked anyone before and you being all hysterical

and flappy about it is the last thing she needs. In your own time, Liz.

And they were all ticking the same boxes.

-Close it down, Liz!

-We want to leverage you downwards.

-Time for the knockout!

-Offboard you, so to speak

-For God's sake woman, DO it!

-You're fired!

-Yes!

Come on! That's what I'm talkin' about.

Got there in the end, eh, Liz, didn't she Pete?!

Classic bad news sandwich.

Bad news sandwich?

In that case, where's my positive topping?

Ooh, Liz?

He's thrown you a curve ball there, what are you going to do?

-Ahem.

-Close it down Liz. Come on. Think. What does he want?

You can take the chair?

How do you sleep at night?

I was supposed to offer him the redundancy package!

And the penny drops.

Don't beat yourself up, Liz, that was a great chair.

Finally! Where's my husband? I want to take him home.

I'm afraid there were some...complications.

Complications?

Yes. Your husband he...he didn't make it.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, just give me a minute, sorry.

Cut!

What's going on, Sophie?

I'm so sorry, this is my first crying scene

-and I just can't seem to...

-Can someone get the crying coach!

-The what?

-Crying coach?

Jan Peters, Crying Coach.

Give me two minutes, I'll have her blubbing in no time.

OK, thank you, my love. I need you to look at me.

If you could just... Look at me.

I said look at me!

-Ow!

-What the...!

OK, let's just get the waterworks up and running, shall we?

We haven't got long.

Um, any childhood traumas we can access here, hm?

No, not really.

-Family illness?

-No. We've been very lucky.

You're a massive ham!

You're entitled to your opinion.

Yep, won't be a second.

Hello, hello. Your father never loved you!

I'm an actress...that's kind of par for the course.

Oh, come on!

Fake.

Right, positions everyone, we need to get this, OK.

-A few more seconds. I really think I could crack her.

-Please.

Action!

Finally! Where's my husband? I want to take him home.

I'm afraid there were some...complications.

Complications?

Yes. Your husband he... He didn't make it.

I love this place.

Oh, yeah it's nice, isn't it?

I just feels so tucked-away, you know what I mean?

Like a little secret. It reminds me of a place Steve and I visited for our anniversary...

'Oh, no, not the Prague story again.'

Do you remember, when we went to Prague?

Or Praha, as they call it, the sexy Czechs.

-I've got some pictures somewhere...

-'Of course you have.'

Here we go, there was this one day,

we got up at the crack of dawn, skipped breakfast completely,

spent the WHOLE day trekking around the city. I tell you what, they have the most amazing architecture...

'Oh, piss off!'

Jose! My brother!

Toro! Toro!

Toro! Toro!

Toro!

Toro!

Nooo! Nooo!

You killed him!

Carlos? Carlos!

Shhh...Shhh my little one.

If only we had been born in another time, another place.

If only you had been born a cow.

Si.

-SINGS:

-There's a place

# For us somewhere...

BOTH: # A place for us... #

Carlos? Carlos!

Moooooo!

MOOOOO!

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