Episode 5 ‹ Series 2 ‹ Watson & Oliver

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Oh, guys, this has been such fun, I know, and I've had such	:01:18.	:01:23.
and the burlesque lessons, the go-carting and the massages	:01:23.	:01:27.
and the kayaking and... Oh, the massive penis cake	:01:27.	:01:30.
with Ryan's face on it.	:01:30.	:01:32.
It's just that Ryan's parents are arriving early, crack of dawn,	:01:32.	:01:34.
so, you know, I should go.	:01:34.	:01:36.
You'll miss Long Dong Silver. What?	:01:36.	:01:39.
WOMEN WHOOP	:01:39.	:01:43.
Lucy, I said I didn't want a stripper!	:01:43.	:01:45.
Stripper! Stripper!	:01:45.	:01:47.
See? Your mum wants a stripper.	:01:47.	:01:49.
Listen. I'm sorry, Lucy, but I've got to go, OK?	:01:49.	:01:52.
Don't. Ow!	:01:52.	:01:54.
You listen to me. I'm the maid of fricking honour	:01:54.	:01:57.
and I've spent six months organising this bastard thing,	:01:57.	:02:00.
so nobody leaves until I say so.	:02:00.	:02:03.
So sit down, shut up and put on these furry handcuffs.	:02:03.	:02:08.
SLEAZY ROCK MUSIC	:02:08.	:02:10.
SLEAZY ROCK MUSIC	:02:10.	:02:11.
WOMEN CHEER AND WHOOP	:02:11.	:02:21.
	:02:21.	:02:38.
RADIO DJ: Coming up, the weather, right after this classic.	:02:38.	:02:41.
MUSIC: "Barcelona" by Freddie Mercury	:02:41.	:02:43.
# Ooh, el me habo de ti	:02:43.	:02:48.
# The bells are ringing out	:02:48.	:02:51.
OPERATIC VOCALISATION	:02:51.	:02:54.
# They're calling us together Guiding us forever	:02:54.	:02:59.
# Wish my dream would never go away	:02:59.	:03:09.
# Barcelona	:03:09.	:03:11.
# It was the first time that we met	:03:11.	:03:14.
# Barcelona	:03:14.	:03:16.
# How can I forget?	:03:16.	:03:19.
# The moment that you stepped into the room you took my breath away	:03:19.	:03:27.
# Barcelona	:03:27.	:03:31.
# Such a beautiful horizon	:03:31.	:03:33.
# Barcelona	:03:33.	:03:34.
# Like a jewel in the sun... #	:03:35.	:03:37.
OPERATIC VOCALISATION	:03:37.	:03:39.
Oh, no!	:03:40.	:03:43.
I'll call you later.	:03:43.	:03:52.
So! What do you think?	:03:52.	:03:55.
Erm... What? He's boring?	:03:55.	:03:57.
Mmmm... He's out of my league?	:03:57.	:03:59.
Um... He's too keen? Er... Bit slimy?	:03:59.	:04:03.
Erm... Too quiet?Mmmm...	:04:03.	:04:05.
Too loud? Too lairy?	:04:05.	:04:08.
Erm... Too intense? Um... Bit slippery?	:04:08.	:04:12.
Er... He's going to cheat on me?	:04:12.	:04:15.
Mm... He's already cheated on me?	:04:15.	:04:17.
Mmmm...	:04:17.	:04:18.
Bit nerdy? Bit creepy? Bit thin on top?	:04:18.	:04:21.
Erm...	:04:21.	:04:23.
Bit "I'll put my hand on the small of your back	:04:23.	:04:25.
"just so everyone knows I'm going out with you"? Mmm...	:04:25.	:04:28.
A bit "I've paid you a compliment so now I'll insult you"? Mmm.	:04:28.	:04:31.
Bit "Can I borrow your mascara"? Mmm...	:04:31.	:04:33.
Too "I can't have a lie in, I'm cycling to Brighton"?	:04:33.	:04:35.
A bit "I do the accent when I'm ordering in French restaurants"?	:04:35.	:04:38.
A bit "I'm so vulnerable, hold me, hold me. Oh, great,	:04:38.	:04:41.
"now we've had sex. Turns out I'm not so vulnerable"?	:04:41.	:04:44.
Mmm... Bit of a vegan?	:04:44.	:04:46.
Bit "I wear a hat, that's my thing"?	:04:46.	:04:48.
Bit "My beard is so thin I look like a magician"?	:04:48.	:04:51.
"I wear more moisturiser than you and all my ex-girlfriends	:04:51.	:04:53.
"are models and I live in the flat above my mother?"	:04:53.	:04:55.
Oh, my God. I'm going to have to change the locks and my Facebook status! I can't see him again!	:04:55.	:05:01.
I thought he was all right.	:05:01.	:05:07.
ITALIAN ACCENT: Oh!	:05:07.	:05:10.
ITALIAN ACCENT: Eh!	:05:10.	:05:12.
Oh!	:05:12.	:05:15.
Eh!	:05:15.	:05:17.
Ciao bella!	:05:17.	:05:19.
Eh, belissima!	:05:19.	:05:21.
Vieni qui sexy!	:05:21.	:05:24.
Sexy baby!	:05:24.	:05:29.
BOTH: OHHHHHHHHH!	:05:29.	:05:34.
Lesbiana. Ah.	:05:34.	:05:37.
you to know that I really love you	:05:37.	:05:41.
and I would have been so proud to be Mrs Ryan.	:05:41.	:05:45.
Oh! Oh, thank God! Please! Help me!	:05:45.	:05:47.
I've been kidnapped by my own hen do!	:05:47.	:05:49.
They won't let me leave!	:05:49.	:05:50.
I'm afraid I can't help you, love. I'm on a stag. Wahey!	:05:50.	:05:53.
MEN CHEER	:05:53.	:06:03.
	:06:03.	:06:08.
Oi, L-plates.	:06:08.	:06:11.
We thought we'd lost you.	:06:11.	:06:13.
I just went to get some fresh air. What's going on? Karaoke.	:06:13.	:06:18.
WOMEN WHOOP	:06:18.	:06:20.
I've hired us a private booth. We've got it for a full five hours	:06:20.	:06:23.
so we can sing all the songs to Mamma Mia just like we used to	:06:23.	:06:26.
in the good old days, before you met Ryan. Wow(!)	:06:26.	:06:29.
Get in the limo. What limo?	:06:29.	:06:32.
THUMPING DANCE MUSIC	:06:32.	:06:33.
Oh, God...	:06:34.	:06:37.
MEN CHEER	:06:37.	:06:40.
Mum?! In the limo, Janet.	:06:41.	:06:46.
So, as a special treat,	:06:46.	:06:49.
your lovely Auntie Sarah's going to- read you your bedtime story.	:06:49.	:06:52.
I'm so excited.	:06:52.	:06:53.
And she'll do it really well because she's an actress	:06:53.	:06:56.
who's been on the stage and the radio, and the television.	:06:56.	:06:59.
Once. Thanks, Alice.	:06:59.	:07:01.
Right, story time.	:07:01.	:07:03.
Tales From The Big Wide Wood. Mm!	:07:03.	:07:07.
It was a warm day in the big wide wood	:07:08.	:07:10.
and Robbie the Rat was going for a walk.	:07:10.	:07:12.
But he suddenly realised he was hungry.	:07:12.	:07:15.
So he said to himself, "I want my dinner."	:07:15.	:07:18.
MOTHER CLEARS THROAT	:07:18.	:07:20.
Problem? No, no. It's just, well,	:07:20.	:07:22.
we tend to play Robbie as a sort of cheeky chappie cockney.	:07:23.	:07:26.
I can work with that. I'm a pro.	:07:26.	:07:28.
So Robbie the Rat said to himself	:07:28.	:07:31.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "I want me dinner."	:07:31.	:07:33.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie? You want your dinner?"	:07:33.	:07:35.
said Cedric the Squirrel. Oh.What?	:07:35.	:07:37.
It's OK, it's just you did Cedric the same as Robbie. It's OK.	:07:38.	:07:41.
I tend to Cedric as Northern. You know...	:07:41.	:07:45.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie! You want your dinner?"	:07:45.	:07:47.
OK, forget it. Nathan, I'm sorry, I think Mummy should read your	:07:47.	:07:51.
bedtime story tonight. No, no, no!	:07:51.	:07:53.
I just want it to be what Nathan's used to, that's all.	:07:53.	:07:56.
So just finish the story. It's fine.	:07:56.	:07:59.
Although, erm... I will say that Robbie is cockney,	:07:59.	:08:03.
Cedric the Squirrel is Northern,	:08:03.	:08:05.
Danny the Dog is from... New Zealand?	:08:05.	:08:07.
Mildred the Mouse is Brummie	:08:07.	:08:10.
and Ralph the Rabbit is from Northern Ireland.	:08:10.	:08:13.
Near Portadown.	:08:13.	:08:16.
Three villages to the east.	:08:16.	:08:19.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie!	:08:19.	:08:21.
"You want your dinner? I've got some nuts."	:08:21.	:08:23.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Thank you, Cedric. Maybe I will," said Robbie.	:08:23.	:08:27.
NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie," said Danny the Dog.	:08:27.	:08:30.
"You want your dinner? I've got some biscuits."	:08:30.	:08:33.
Was that Australian? Biscuits? 'Buscuts'.	:08:33.	:08:38.
COCKNEY ACCENT: Thank you, Danny. Maybe I will." said Robbie.	:08:38.	:08:42.
MIDLANDS ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie," said Mildred the Mouse.	:08:42.	:08:44.
"You want your dinner? I've got some berries."	:08:44.	:08:47.
Maybe I will," said Robbie.	:08:47.	:08:51.
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie," said Ralph the Rabbit.	:08:52.	:08:54.
"You want your dinner? I've got some carrots."	:08:54.	:08:59.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Thank you, Ralph. Maybe I will." said Robbie.	:08:59.	:09:03.
Robbie couldn't decide what to have and he was about to go home.	:09:03.	:09:06.
So all his friends offered their favourite food one last time.	:09:06.	:09:14.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "My acorns are very nice," said Cedric.	:09:14.	:09:17.
NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "My biscuits are delicious," said Danny.	:09:17.	:09:20.
MIDLANDS ACCENT: "My berries are very juicy," said Mildred.	:09:20.	:09:23.
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT "My carrots are crunchy," said Ralph.	:09:23.	:09:26.
And so they all went to Robbie's house for tea. Yes! Nailed it!	:09:27.	:09:31.
Can I have another story?	:09:31.	:09:39.
The Adventures Of Billy Badger, And His 100 International Friends.	:09:39.	:09:47.
PRISON DOOR CLOSES	:09:47.	:09:52.
Here we go.	:09:52.	:09:57.
Oh, no!	:09:57.	:09:59.
Oh, no!	:09:59.	:10:01.
There she is. 'Ere it comes.	:10:01.	:10:04.
Rather you than me. Someone's off.	:10:04.	:10:06.
Hark at her. If you catch my drift.	:10:06.	:10:08.
Don't you start. I'll bet you do.	:10:08.	:10:10.
THEY LAUGH	:10:10.	:10:12.
BOTH: Oh, dear.	:10:12.	:10:14.
So, what you up to today then, Pat?	:10:14.	:10:15.
Got any plans, have ya?	:10:15.	:10:17.
I'm joining the circus, ain't I?	:10:17.	:10:18.
Oh, 'ere she goes. Joining the circus, are ya?	:10:18.	:10:20.
I'm joining the circus. You joining the circus?	:10:20.	:10:22.
Don't mind if I do. Easy for you to say.	:10:22.	:10:24.
Oh, she's off again. There she is. 'Ere it comes.	:10:24.	:10:27.
Off she goes.	:10:27.	:10:30.
THEY SIGH	:10:30.	:10:32.
No seriously, Pat, it's your big day today, innit?	:10:33.	:10:35.
That's right.	:10:36.	:10:37.
I'm going home, ain't I?	:10:37.	:10:40.
Yeah, I know.	:10:40.	:10:44.
Can't believe it's been six long years,	:10:44.	:10:47.
feels like six months, don't it?	:10:47.	:10:48.
Six weeks more like. Try six days.	:10:48.	:10:50.
Or six minutes. Six seconds.	:10:50.	:10:54.
What's smaller than a second?	:10:54.	:10:56.
Listen, I, er... I got you a little present.	:10:56.	:10:59.
It's nothing much, just, er, a book on Tuscany.	:10:59.	:11:03.
Oh, grazie mille.	:11:03.	:11:06.
Prego, Pat.	:11:06.	:11:08.
I know you've always wanted to go so...maybe now you can.	:11:08.	:11:13.
Well, I've always fancied going Tuscany myself.	:11:13.	:11:21.
Yeah, well, I've got Mr Twinkles at home	:11:22.	:11:24.
so makes travelling a bit difficult.	:11:24.	:11:27.
Y'know, likes his routine.	:11:27.	:11:29.
He's a fussy eater as well so...	:11:29.	:11:33.
Jean? Oh, all right, Bill? Didn't see you there.	:11:33.	:11:36.
Right, Pat. Time to go.	:11:36.	:11:42.
Out you come then. Out I come then.	:11:42.	:11:48.
Well, I guess this is it. Looks like it.	:11:48.	:11:56.
Ow! Ow!	:11:56.	:11:57.
Right, well, I'll see ya later then.	:11:57.	:11:59.
Yeah, see ya later.	:11:59.	:12:01.
MUSIC: "Goodbye" by Spice Girls	:12:01.	:12:09.
Oh, Pat! I forgot my suitcase.	:12:09.	:12:12.
Oh, yeah, course.	:12:12.	:12:16.
Arrivederci, Pat.	:12:16.	:12:19.
DOOR CLOSES Arrivederci.	:12:19.	:12:22.
# Listen little child	:12:22.	:12:25.
# There will come a day	:12:25.	:12:29.
# When you will be able... #	:12:29.	:12:32.
Sshh.	:12:32.	:12:34.
I won't tell if you won't.	:12:34.	:12:35.
Cheers.	:12:35.	:12:41.
I'll just pop this in your box for later. Wink wink.	:12:41.	:12:48.
"So...	:12:48.	:12:50.
"What's with the champagne, Sarah?"- I hear you ask.	:12:51.	:12:54.
"Bit much for a Tuesday, isn't it?"	:12:54.	:12:56.
Well, not when you've just found out	:12:56.	:12:57.
you're being transferred to the New York office it isn't, Adrian.	:12:57.	:13:00.
Which is exactly what's just happened to me, by the way.	:13:00.	:13:04.
Yeah.	:13:04.	:13:07.
No, it's going to be so great for my career, you know?	:13:07.	:13:10.
The money, the experience, I'd be crazy to turn it down.	:13:10.	:13:13.
Not that anyone's asked me to...	:13:13.	:13:16.
yet.	:13:16.	:13:18.
This is my home, Adrian, you know?	:13:18.	:13:22.
I've got great friends, family, a great flat,	:13:22.	:13:27.
as you know cos you've been there, in my bed...blah, blah, blah.	:13:27.	:13:31.
It's going to be really hard to say goodbye, you know?	:13:31.	:13:34.
Yeah, shame I can't take everyone with me really.	:13:35.	:13:37.
Do you fancy coming to New York with me actually?	:13:37.	:13:40.
That would be weird, wouldn't it? Or would it?	:13:40.	:13:43.
You and me in the Big Apple,	:13:43.	:13:46.
creating memories together.	:13:46.	:13:49.
But what about your work, Adrian?	:13:49.	:13:51.
Your whole life's here. You can't just give everything up.	:13:51.	:13:55.
This is crazy. It would never work!	:13:55.	:13:58.
Or would it? I mean, I'm prepared to give it a shot if you are.	:13:58.	:14:01.
Listen, Adrian, I know how much you- want this but I can't let you do it.	:14:01.	:14:04.
Sssh.	:14:04.	:14:06.
Don't make it harder than it already is.	:14:06.	:14:10.
Goodbye, Adrian.	:14:10.	:14:13.
Chin strap.	:14:13.	:14:23.
	:14:23.	:14:27.
Adrian!	:14:27.	:14:28.
Oh, my God, people are watching!	:14:28.	:14:38.
	:14:38.	:14:40.
MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA	:14:40.	:14:48.
Well, well, well,	:14:48.	:14:49.
looks like our little hen's trying to fly the coop.	:14:49.	:14:53.
You're insane.	:14:53.	:14:55.
Maybe I am.	:14:55.	:14:57.
But I'm not letting you leave until I've shown you	:14:57.	:14:59.
what an amazing and thoughtful friend I am.	:14:59.	:15:02.
No! This stops now.	:15:02.	:15:07.
How long have we all been here?	:15:07.	:15:09.
Haven't you got homes to go back to?	:15:09.	:15:11.
She's right.	:15:11.	:15:13.
Who are you?	:15:13.	:15:15.
Becky Turner.	:15:15.	:15:16.
See? These aren't even my real friends.	:15:16.	:15:20.
I haven't seen half these people since secondary school.	:15:20.	:15:23.
Nobody leaves until I say so.	:15:23.	:15:27.
Well, I guess I'll have to fight my way out.	:15:27.	:15:34.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS	:15:34.	:15:44.
	:15:44.	:15:46.
THEY SCREAM	:15:46.	:15:56.
	:15:56.	:16:02.
HISSING	:16:02.	:16:11.
THEY SCREAM	:16:11.	:16:18.
METAL CLICKS	:16:18.	:16:27.
Come on, everyone. Let's get out of here!	:16:27.	:16:34.
Mum!	:16:34.	:16:41.
You're kidding me!	:16:41.	:16:43.
Lorna!? I want a biscuit.	:16:43.	:16:45.
Do you?	:16:45.	:16:47.
Yes!	:16:47.	:16:49.
That's what you really want?	:16:49.	:16:50.
Yes, where are they?!	:16:50.	:16:51.
Ingrid...	:16:51.	:16:54.
Come here.	:16:54.	:16:57.
Are you going to give me a biscuit?	:16:57.	:16:58.
I've got something better than biscuits.	:16:58.	:17:01.
Oh, no, this is going to be a metaphorical thing, isn't it?	:17:01.	:17:05.
I have truth.	:17:05.	:17:06.
There it is.	:17:06.	:17:08.
I have truth about you and your life.	:17:08.	:17:10.
I'd rather have a biscuit.	:17:10.	:17:12.
What's the problem?	:17:12.	:17:14.
The problem is that I want a biscuit.	:17:14.	:17:16.
And yet you don't. What could I say to you	:17:16.	:17:18.
that would genuinely convince you that I genuinely wanted a biscuit?	:17:18.	:17:23.
You could tell me	:17:23.	:17:25.
that you've never really connected with your father.	:17:25.	:17:28.
I've never really connected with my father. Now give me a biscuit.	:17:28.	:17:31.
I knew it! Give me a biscuit.	:17:31.	:17:32.
Or have you, as I am now suspecting,	:17:32.	:17:35.
eaten all the biscuits?	:17:35.	:17:38.
Call him.	:17:38.	:17:43.
Hello, Dad.	:17:43.	:17:44.
Oh, hi. Yeah, good thank you.	:17:44.	:17:48.
Listen, Dad, I've got something I'd like to ask you. Could you do me a favour?	:17:48.	:17:51.
Could you bring round some biscuits?	:17:51.	:17:53.
Yeah, Lorna's eaten them all.	:17:53.	:17:56.
Yeah, she's pretending she hasn't by coming up with this psychobabble,	:17:56.	:17:59.
which is why I'm calling you, but erm...	:17:59.	:18:02.
Yeah!	:18:02.	:18:03.
Yeah, she is isn't she?	:18:03.	:18:06.
Yeah!	:18:06.	:18:07.
All right then, Dad, well, thanks very much. Love you. Bye.	:18:07.	:18:11.
You have eaten them all, haven't you?	:18:11.	:18:12.
Yes. The whole pack.	:18:13.	:18:16.
I wasn't even hungry.	:18:16.	:18:18.
Really?	:18:18.	:18:20.
I hate myself.	:18:20.	:18:24.
Why doesn't my mum ever call?	:18:24.	:18:26.
Oh, come here you, hug it out. Yeah.	:18:26.	:18:29.
Here you are, darling. Oh, thanks, Dad.	:18:29.	:18:38.
What am I going to do?	:18:38.	:18:40.
Have another biscuit.	:18:40.	:18:42.
Ooh, lovely.	:18:42.	:18:45.
Your dad brought these round very fast.	:18:45.	:18:47.
This isn't real. He was an actor.	:18:47.	:18:51.
Oh, yeah.	:18:51.	:18:53.
Thought he was younger than you.	:18:53.	:19:03.
	:19:03.	:19:04.
GERMAN ACCENT: Hey!	:19:04.	:19:06.
Hi!	:19:06.	:19:08.
Hey!	:19:08.	:19:11.
Hi!	:19:11.	:19:13.
Hey!	:19:13.	:19:16.
Hi, Fraulein!	:19:16.	:19:19.
Hey, sexy!	:19:19.	:19:22.
Hi, sexy baby!	:19:22.	:19:24.
Komm sofort hierher, ich will Geschlechtsverkehr mit dir haben!	:19:24.	:19:29.
BOTH: Oooohhhhhhhh!!	:19:29.	:19:34.
Lesbisch. Mm.	:19:34.	:19:44.
	:19:44.	:19:47.
Hello, and welcome to Realistic Festive Cooking. I'm Shirley.	:19:47.	:19:51.
And I'm ever so slightly drunk, actually.	:19:51.	:19:53.
Now, today we'll be talking you through how to make the perfect Christmas dinner.	:19:53.	:19:59.
Not really!	:19:59.	:20:01.
Just how to get through it all without killing someone.	:20:01.	:20:04.
Now Christmas Day is all about preparation.	:20:04.	:20:06.
More specifically, while you're cooking you'll have a constant stream of elderly relatives	:20:06.	:20:10.
coming up to you telling you you're doing it all wrong.	:20:10.	:20:12.
Now, I've prepared for this by lining up four bottles of sherry.	:20:12.	:20:18.
Don't forget that as it's Christmas Day you are allowed	:20:18.	:20:20.
to start drinking as early as you like.	:20:20.	:20:23.
Super, so while you open those I'm going to tend to my turkey.	:20:23.	:20:26.
Now the aim here is to keep the moisture in,	:20:26.	:20:29.
so we'll need a bit of tin foil for that.	:20:29.	:20:31.
And as you can see, my five-year-old has used all my tin foil making a robot.	:20:31.	:20:35.
So, what I've done is, I've gone to the fridge and I found this,	:20:35.	:20:38.
dirty bit of foil which was covering a half-eaten steak and kidney pie	:20:38.	:20:42.
so I'm just going to pop that on there.	:20:42.	:20:44.
As you can see, it's far too small to cover it properly	:20:44.	:20:47.
so it'll no doubt come out drier than the Sahara desert. Jenny?!	:20:47.	:20:50.
Mmm,	:20:50.	:20:51.
quick tip if you are worried about dry turkey,	:20:51.	:20:55.
my advice would just be to get over yourself really.	:20:55.	:20:58.
So we'll just put that into the oven	:20:58.	:21:00.
and until it's nice and brown on the outside	:21:00.	:21:02.
but still frozen in the middle, a sort of turkey Alaska, if you will.	:21:02.	:21:06.
Let's face it, Jenny, it's all about aiming low, isn't it?	:21:06.	:21:09.
Very much so, Shirley, which leads us onto the pud.	:21:09.	:21:13.
Now, as you can see I've made a Christmas pudding and I...	:21:13.	:21:17.
Sorry, Jen, think you accidentally said "made" there.	:21:17.	:21:19.
Did I? Oh, so sorry.	:21:19.	:21:22.
I really am off my face!	:21:22.	:21:25.
So, as you can see I've bought a Christmas pudding.	:21:25.	:21:27.
And they come in all shapes and sizes	:21:27.	:21:29.
and obviously you get what you pay for,	:21:29.	:21:31.
so my family are getting a very average pudding.	:21:32.	:21:34.
But what I will do	:21:34.	:21:35.
is cover it in so much booze that they won't notice.	:21:35.	:21:38.
And are you going to present that pudding on some kind of decorative plate, Jenny?	:21:38.	:21:42.
In an ideal world, Shirley, yes,	:21:42.	:21:44.
but I've actually used up all of the available receptacles in the kitchen	:21:44.	:21:47.
and I can't be bothered to wash anything up,	:21:47.	:21:49.
so what I'm going to do, is I'm going to take this Frisbee here,	:21:49.	:21:53.
which I found wrapped up under the tree.	:21:53.	:21:55.
I'm just going to pop the pudding on that instead.	:21:55.	:21:57.
As you can see I'm now doing some dousing, Shirley.	:21:57.	:22:01.
Now ideally this would be covered in brandy	:22:01.	:22:03.
but, erm, sadly I drank all of that last night after an argument with my husband,	:22:04.	:22:11.
No, I don't think so but this is my husband's favourite beer.	:22:11.	:22:13.
So in a way, I win. Super.	:22:13.	:22:15.
How about a sherry?	:22:15.	:22:17.
Don't mind if I do.	:22:17.	:22:25.
ETA three minutes. That's three minutes. Over.	:22:25.	:22:28.
So my PA tells me you recently worked with a good friend of mine.	:22:28.	:22:31.
Al Pacino?	:22:31.	:22:32.
I'm afraid that's classified.	:22:32.	:22:36.
But he's alive, isn't he?	:22:36.	:22:37.
Welcome to the Baftas.	:22:37.	:22:39.
Thank you.	:22:39.	:22:40.
OK, so here's how it's going to work.	:22:40.	:22:42.
I'll be two paces behind you at all times.	:22:42.	:22:45.
I'll be your eyes, I'll be your ears.	:22:45.	:22:47.
Just do what you've got to do and let me handle the rest. OK.	:22:47.	:22:50.
or take a photo for you, forget it.	:22:50.	:22:53.
I'm here for one reason only and that's to keep you safe.	:22:53.	:22:55.
Comprendez? I understand.	:22:55.	:22:59.
I've got agents positioned in the audience and on the roof.	:22:59.	:23:02.
Press this panic button and they'll have you back in the car	:23:02.	:23:05.
quicker than you can say, "It's not my time to die."	:23:05.	:23:08.
Clive! Hey, it's good to see ya.	:23:08.	:23:11.
Oh, my God!	:23:11.	:23:12.
Keep moving.	:23:12.	:23:14.
That's Roger White! He's hosting the show!	:23:14.	:23:17.
Not any more he isn't.	:23:17.	:23:19.
Which brings me to my last point.	:23:19.	:23:21.
Don't fall in love with me.	:23:22.	:23:24.
I'm sorry, what?	:23:24.	:23:25.
I can't keep you safe if you fall in love with me.	:23:25.	:23:27.
Do you understand?	:23:27.	:23:29.
What on earth are you talking about?!	:23:29.	:23:34.
Look, you might not want to fall in love with me,	:23:34.	:23:37.
but you could fall in love with me, and if you do fall in love with me	:23:37.	:23:40.
then I won't be able to protect you when the shit hits the fan.	:23:40.	:23:42.
Cos there'll be this crazed fan in the audience,	:23:43.	:23:45.
and she'll be walking towards you,	:23:45.	:23:46.
and she'll have this camera and she'll be shouting your name,	:23:46.	:23:49.
and I'll know she's trouble cos I will have already spotted	:23:49.	:23:52.
the tattoo of your face on her face which is always a worry.	:23:52.	:23:55.
Anyway, she'll start taking photos of you	:23:55.	:23:57.
but you won't be listening	:23:57.	:24:00.
because you'll be too busy trying to get me in the photos with you	:24:00.	:24:02.
cos you're so in love with me.	:24:03.	:24:04.
Then she'll see that you're in love with me	:24:04.	:24:06.
and then she'll rip open her shirt	:24:06.	:24:07.
strapped to her chest	:24:07.	:24:10.
her to take the brunt of the blast	:24:10.	:24:13.
you'll then jump on top of me,	:24:13.	:24:15.
and then before she detonates,	:24:15.	:24:17.
you'll tell me you can't think of a better way to go	:24:17.	:24:19.
than physically on top of me, cos that's how in love with me you are.	:24:19.	:24:22.
And then she'll pull the trigger,	:24:22.	:24:23.
all over the red carpet	:24:23.	:24:26.
and you'll never find out if you won the Bafta for best actor in a leading role.	:24:26.	:24:29.
More champagne, sir?	:24:29.	:24:31.
No, thank you.	:24:31.	:24:39.
By the way, my mum said to tell you	:24:39.	:24:41.
you were really great in that film about the tortoise and the... thing with the...	:24:41.	:24:46.
Are we done? Affirmative.	:24:46.	:24:49.
All agents on stand-by. Over.	:24:49.	:24:51.
Oh, don't worry, I definitely won't be falling in love with you,	:24:52.	:24:56.
I'm gay.	:24:56.	:24:58.
So was George Michael.	:24:58.	:25:01.
guys, it's happened again.	:25:01.	:25:04.
And I'm not even wearing deodorant.	:25:04.	:25:11.
Rrrglh!	:25:11.	:25:13.
Niknik!	:25:13.	:25:15.
Rrrglh!	:25:15.	:25:19.
Niknik!	:25:19.	:25:20.
Rrrglh!	:25:20.	:25:24.
Niknik!	:25:24.	:25:26.
Ooooohhhhh!	:25:26.	:25:30.
Venus muncher.	:25:30.	:25:36.
Oi, Pat!	:25:36.	:25:39.
Oh, oh sorry.	:25:39.	:25:41.
MUSIC: "You Raise Me Up" by Westlife	:25:41.	:25:44.
Yeah, well, so anyway I said...	:25:44.	:25:49.
# When troubles come	:25:49.	:25:52.
# And my heart burdened be	:25:52.	:25:58.
# Then I am still And wait here in the silence... #	:25:58.	:26:05.
'Oh, there she is!'	:26:05.	:26:06.
# Until you come and sit awhile with me	:26:06.	:26:15.
# You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains	:26:15.	:26:23.
# You raise me up to walk on stormy seas... #	:26:23.	:26:29.
Oh, no!	:26:29.	:26:32.
Oh, no.	:26:32.	:26:33.
Morning, stranger!	:26:33.	:26:35.
Don't you start. What you doing back in 'ere then?	:26:35.	:26:37.
I robbed a bank. didn't I?	:26:37.	:26:40.
Oh. 'ere we go. Robbed a bank, did ya?	:26:40.	:26:42.
'Ere it comes.	:26:42.	:26:44.
Barclays. On the high street.	:26:44.	:26:45.
Oh, right, yeah, I know it.	:26:45.	:26:47.
Then went to the nearest police station and turned herself in.	:26:47.	:26:52.
What am I like, eh?	:26:52.	:26:55.
Trouble, that's what you're like.	:26:55.	:26:57.
Oh, off he goes.	:26:57.	:26:59.
There he is, 'ere it comes.	:26:59.	:27:03.
Right, well, Bill, I'll take it from 'ere. Thanks very much.	:27:03.	:27:08.
Right then, you.	:27:08.	:27:11.
Let's pop you back in your cell, shall we?	:27:11.	:27:13.
Yeah, pop me back in my cell then.	:27:13.	:27:19.
What happened at the bank then, Pat?	:27:19.	:27:29.
	:27:29.	:28:00.
Well, that's the end of the show, but if you'd like to see more...	:28:00.	:28:02.
that likes pressing red buttons.	:28:02.	:28:05.
..then press the red button.	:28:05.	:28:07.

Episode 5 Watson & Oliver

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