Episode 4 Watson & Oliver

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the motivational programme developed by qualified sports scientists

to get you running.

Are you ready?

OK, let's go!

So, let's start at nice, even pace,

just finding your rhythm before we...

Wait a minute.

What's that? Footsteps behind you, getting closer...

Oh, my God! Run! Run! Run!

There's a hit man behind you and he's armed!

He's going to take you out, he's going to take you out because you look like someone

who double-crossed the Mafia and the KGB!

GUNSHOT

-MALE VOICE:

-Argh! I've been shot, I'm shot!

Don't look back! You have to get away! You have to run!

It's not safe!

You're dead meat, Emma!

-How do you know my name!?

-You can't outrun him.

Your only chance is to hide, hide, hide!

Oh, thank God, you lost him!

And relax.

-Oh, no.

-What is it?!

Oh, God! It's a massive swarm of killer bees!

And they're angry, Emma, they're angry with you!

BUZZING

Where are you going to go, what are you going to do?!

Congratulations.

You have burnt 12 calories.

26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37,

-38, 39...

-Excuse me?

54, 54, 56...

Sorry, I just...

I'll be with you in a second. Diane!

So, that's all fine, uh, there.

So, what am I doing? Uh, yes!

So, yes, I'm dealing with you.

How can I help you, young man?

It's just that I've got separated from my gran.

I was out in the maze and I think she might still be

in the agricultural exhibition in the great hall.

I see, so... Not a problem.

So... What am I doing?

Right! So I've done that, I've cashed up, so that's...

So I'll simply put out a message on the, uh,

on the, uh... Diane... On the, erm, Diane, love... intercom.

What's your gran's name?

Oh, Mrs Lawler.

Lawler. And you are?

David Baines.

Right, let's have a look for the, um... Lawler, Lawler, Lawler...

Law-ler, Lawler, Lawler...

Intercom. Right, so...

TANNOY FEEDBACK

Good after- good mor- um, hello.

Bit of a problem - if there's a Mrs Lawler in the, um...

..Mrs Lawler in the, um... Diane!?

Lawler in the great hall...

could you, um... What are you doing, Susan?

What are you up to?

Yes, that's it!

If there's a Mrs Lawler in the exhibition, um,

in the great hall, your, um...

What was it? Nephew or uncle?

Grandson.

That's it!

Where were we? Uh, yes.

So your grandson, David,

is here in the, um, where is he?

What are you doing, Susan? Where is he?

Yes, no, ticket office!

He's in the ticket office for collection...

Um, well, so actually you're now in the ticket office

here with me.

David is, is, is standing right next to you here,

so, uh... Thank you.

Thank you. We'll be off now.

Got there in the end, didn't we, Mrs Lawler?! Baines!

Lawler!

Honestly, how can you forget to take your own grandson with you?

Some people would forget their heads if they weren't screwed on properly.

Hi, Mike, hi, Veronica, Steve and Vicky here.

Just wanted to say we're running a little bit late, I'm afraid...

Why don't you just go without me?

We're just having a little bit of a wardrobe crisis, that's all.

The reason I'm having a wardrobe crisis

is because the outfit I bought specifically for today,

that cost me nearly £200,

actually makes my arms look like massive, fatty, bulging hams.

So if it's all right with you, Steve,

I'll just crack on here until I've found an outfit

that doesn't make me look like a sausage in a dress.

Oh, and for your information,

I'm pretty sure that Veronica will back me up on this - Hi, Veronica!

When a woman asks you how she looks,

you should try and come up with something more encouraging than "fine."

I didn't say you looked fine, I said you looked nice!

Do you see what I've to put up with?

I hate myself.

Hello.

You must be the new girl. I'm Alison.

Nice to meet you. I'm Megan.

Oh, I know who you are.

Sorry?

Here are the helpful elves,

helping others, not ourselves.

-Pardon?

-It's OK.

Oh, um...

I'm one, too.

One what?

You're a Brownie.

So are you.

I used to be, but I left when I was like ten.

You didn't leave the Brownies. No-one leaves the Brownies.

Your moussaka's ready.

Oh, um...

Now's not the time but the time will come.

The time for what?

You might want to try that with Parmesan. I also have the cooking badge.

Listen, I...

Just tying my shoelace.

I'll see you around.

Someone's hungry.

Oi, you lot, keep it down!

Sorry, love, there's no sausages left.

Oh, right.

Oh, no. Off we go.

Oh, no.

-There's trouble.

-Here it comes.

-Someone's off.

-Hold your horses.

-There she is.

-Don't you start.

-Watch it, you.

-Oh, happy days.

What you got there, then, Pat? Peas and mash, is it?

That's right.

Oh, gone vegetarian, have you?

I've gone vegetarian. You gone vegetarian?

-Your guess is as good as mine.

-I bet you do.

-Oh!

BOTH: Oh, dear.

No, seriously Pat, that's all you're having, is it?

-Well, they ran out of sausages so...

-Oh, right. Yeah.

I'm always last in line, see.

Yeah.

I miss meat.

Course you do, Pat.

Listen, this might be your lucky day.

Oh, my lucky day, is it?

Well, that'd be telling,

but keep it on the down low, yeah?

Sausage! I don't believe it.

You yanking my chain?

Not if I can help it. Tell you what, there'll be a very disappointed Terry

waiting for me back home. Mr Twinkles loves his scraps, he does.

But, well, I won't tell if you won't.

Well, I've got some transfers coming in from Broadmoor, so...

-Pat?

-What?

-I said I'd better go.

Oh yeah, yeah.

You might want to blow on that, it's been in my pocket.

Oh, right.

See you later, mischief.

Pat?

Oh, yeah, not if I see you first.

It takes two to tango!

That's what they all say!

Bon appetit, Pat. Bon appetit.

OK, hello, Veronica and Mike.

MOOING

What was that?

Did you hear that?

I did try to call but you're obviously busy getting married,

so not to worry.

It's just that I seem to have got a bit lost, actually.

So if you could you call me back if you get a mo, that'd be grand.

Obviously only if you get a chance, obviously.

It's just that I did follow the directions to the church

and I definitely went through Kent

but I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere

because I seem to have ended up in...

France.

Madame? 'Allo?

Yes, go away!

No, go away, thank you!

Bonjour, thank you.

I don't know if you can see this, erm...

Madame, 'allo, 'allo?

OK. If I'm not back in a week, then call the police.

GO AWAY, YOU DIRTY LITTLE MAN!

Time for your two o'clock meeting.

-What meeting?

-Follow me.

Hello, Megan.

What is this?

I told you. No-one leaves the Brownies.

Our work goes on.

We make the office a better place, one good turn at a time.

Who do you think cleans up the cups every night? Sally.

She's got a covert washing-up badge.

Who do you think bakes the birthday cakes? Rachel.

She's got the baking birthday cakes badge.

Do you want me to go on?

Who does the toilets?

That's... Private contractors. But everything else is us.

Join us, Megan! Help us help the world!

This all sounds really great, but, erm, I think

you've got the wrong girl.

Walking away! Not exactly the Brownie way.

You swore an oath to do your best, to do your duty to God...

I was eight years old!

To serve the Queen.

-ALL:

-To help other people and to keep the Brownie Guide law.

I can't, all right?

(Megan, what are you so scared of?)

That dress! I really hated that dress!

But it's the dress that gives the Brownies their power!

We wore this thing week in, week out

when we were at our most emotionally vulnerable.

But we survived.

(And we thrived.)

Brownies, we live in an age where no-one cares any more.

Help desks that don't help.

Good Samaritans that don't Samarit good!

Megan, it's time to take the Brownie Way out of the office

and into the streets.

It's time to do a good turn for the world! Are ya with me?

-Let's do this!

-Yes!

-TOGETHER:

-Brownies lend a hand!

Megan, you're up! Help that old lady carry her shopping across the street.

-Hey, do you need any help?

-No, I'm fine, dear.

-Says she's fine.

-What?!

She says she's all right, so...

-Why won't you let us help you?

-No, I'm all right.

Just let us help you. Be much easier if you just let us help you!

No, thank you!

Be much easier! Why won't you let us help you?!

OLD WOMAN WHIMPERS AND CRIES OUT

Brownies lend a hand!

Brownies lend a hand!

Oi! Cyclist!

I'm going to help you!

I'm going to help you so good!

I'm not in a mood. I just want some fresh air, woman! God!

-'Allo, Rodg.

-Oh, all right, Pete?

You all right, mate?

No, I'm not. Bloody livid. Second place, can you believe it!?

Bloody joke! Yeah, well they can take their second place

and shove it up their...

God! Son of a bitch!

And I don't know what you're staring at, either!

He's a Pug. That's just his eyes.

Yeah, well, that's inbreeding for you.

So who won, then?

Who do you think? John Pierre!

What, again?!

Shouldn't be allowed, mate. Coming over here, taking all our rosettes.

Bonjour!

Oh, all right, Jean Pierre? Well done, mate. I like your collar.

Ooh, Merci!

What?

"I like your collar"(!)

Well, I do like his collar! It's got all them sparkly bits on it.

Listen, I've been meaning to ask you.

you've been doing this for a while, right?

Dogs' years. Why? What's up?

Well, it's just that, sometimes,

when I'm on the judging table, the rosette guy sort of...

lifts up my tail and...

-You know.

-Perfectly normal.

Oh, right. Good. I wasn't sure if I should be reporting that, or...

No, it's totally legit, mate.

Well, that's me. I suppose I better go and brush my fur.

Well, your looking good to me, mate.

Yeah, proper dogs bollocks.

Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.

-No, you're all right.

-Yeah.

How is it down there? Is it all healed up then?

Yeah, all good. Yeah, was a bit sore for a while,

had to wear a cone on me head to stop me nibbling at me...

-All right, mate.

-Oh, sorry, mate.

Must be nervous. I talk a lot when I'm nervous.

Don't be nervous, mate!

Eh? Look at you! You're in your prime! Yeah.

You got great lines, lovely, wet nose.

I reckon you got it sewn up this year!

-Oh, sorry, mate, I didn't mean to...

-No, you're all right.

-Thanks a lot.

-Yeah.

-Well, I'll see you later then.

Yeah. Don't forget. Balls of steel, yeah?

Oh, sorry, mate!

See you later...bud.

What?

Oh.

Hello, Adrian. I forgot you worked here.

So,

anything you want to tell me? No?

You don't want to tell me what happened last night?

Cos I thought you were coming to that after work drinks do

I told you about, remember?

Not that you said you'd come or anything,

I just presumed that you'd want to meet my friends given

that that would be the next logical step in our relationship.

I mean, I've met all your friends, Adrian.

Well, I say 'met', it was more of a wave, really,

cos they don't let members of the public past the gates.

But they can put a face to the name, which is more

than can be said for my friends, Adrian.

Adrian, I'm joking. Look, something came up. I get it.

Don't beat yourself up about it. There'll be other drinks dos.

It's not a big deal.

Although I did tell everyone you were going to be there,

so bit embarrassing for me when you didn't turn up.

Thanks a lot, Adrian!

Look.

All I'm saying is,

if this is going to work, you've got to let me in.

I can't get close to you if you don't let me in, Adrian.

Oh, God, why can't I quit you?

Adrian, no, no, no, no!

Haven't I been hurt enough? Hm?

I'm sorry it has to be this way, Adrian...

But it's over.

You know what that was, don't you? Our first fight.

Remember that for the wedding speech.

Can I have borrow some of your lip gloss?

-You like my lipgloss?

-Yeah, it's really nice.

It's nice, isn't it?

Do you like my hat?

Yeah, I really like it. It's really nice.

BOYS: Hey.

-Hey.

-Hey.

Shall we go in?

Yeah, we should totally go in.

Four tickets for Zombies Versus Woolly Mammoths, please.

You got ID?

No.

Well then, I can't let you in. (It's an 'R' rating.)

Oh, OK. Cool.

There is a film about to start in screen six,

Teenage Vampires In Love?

Do you want to go see Teenage Vampires In Love?

I don't know. Do you want to go see Teenage Vampires In Love?

I don't know.

Yeah. OK, whatever, sure. Four tickets. Thanks.

WOMAN IN FILM: 'Who are you?'

-MAN IN FILM:

-'I'm... I'm a teenage vampire.'

-He's nice.

-Yeah, he's really nice.

'I really like you, Ella.'

'I really like you too. Rupert.'

'Kiss me!'

'It's too dangerous!'

'I don't care! Kiss me!'

'Rupert, your teeth are growing!'

'I can't fight it! It's who I am!'

'Rupert! What are you doing?!'

'Oh, my God! No! Noooooo!'

SNARLING AND CHOMPING

G'day, Veronica and Mike. Brian and Pam here.

Sorry we can't be there on your big day,

but in case you'd forgotten, me and Pam are Australian.

That's a 24-hour flight you're talking about there.

Not to mention the price of the flaming plane tickets.

-Tell them, Pam.

-Well, they're not cheap.

And then there's the time difference.

Did you think about that?

Did you think about me and Pam having major jetlag?

-Tell them, Pam.

-No, you didn't.

Not to mention work.

You got any idea how hard it is for Pam to find cover at the shop?

Tell them about Sheila being off sick, love.

-Well, Sheila's off sick again.

-Told you.

Something to do with her thyroid apparently.

Yeah, don't go on about it, love.

And then there's all the other expenses.

The overpriced hotels, the booze, the taxis.

I don't know who you think we are.

Tell them who they think we are, Pam.

Well, we think you think we might be Brad Pitt.

Now, I'm not an unreasonable man, am I, Pam?

What?

But I don't think you thought this through properly,

because if you had, you wouldn't be asking me and Pam here to remortgage

our flaming house just so as we can fly half way round the flaming

world to watch you two flaming galahs getting flaming hitched.

Anyway.

Congratulations and have an amazing day.

-Bottoms up!

-Ah, what a couple, eh, Pam?

Oh, they're the best, Bri.

If you'd like to step this way, Mr Secretary General.

This is Ms Speedy.

She'll be your chief bodyguard during your visit

-and will be giving you a quick security debrief.

-Thank you.

The eagle has landed. I repeat, the eagle has landed. Over.

-It's a pleasure to meet you, Ms...

-Shh.

We have company.

Room service.

You were saying?

I'm impressed. You're very thorough, Ms Speedy.

Just doing my job, Your Excellency.

How did you know?

I'm afraid that's classified. Shall we begin the debrief?

By all means.

For the next three days, wherever you go, I go. Any questions?

No, I don't think so.

Press this and they'll have you in an armoured vehicle en route to the airport

quicker than you can say, "Help me, I don't want to die".

-I understand.

-Which leads me to my final point.

Don't fall in love with me.

I'm sorry?

-Don't fall in love with me.

-Don't fall in love with you?

If you fall in love with me and we're out in the field

and the shit hits the fan, you might try and protect me.

I'll be telling you to run and you won't be listening cos you'll be so in love with me.

And there'll be a terrorist

and he'll see that you're in love with me, and then to get to you,

he'll shoot me in the leg and then there'll be blood everywhere,

and I'll be shouting to you to get the hell out of there,

but you'll be too busy turning your jacket it into a tourniquet cos you're so in love with me.

And I'll be slipping in and out of consciousness, and you'll cradle me in your arms shouting,

"Nooo!" cos you're in love with me, and there's nothing worse

than watching someone suffer when you're in love with them.

And you'll resign from the UN, buy a gun and spend the rest

of your days tracking down the guy who shot the woman you were in love

with, with only one thought running through your despair-ravaged mind.

Revenge.

If that is all, I have a meeting with the Prime Minister.

At 1500 hours. Yes, Your Excellency.

The eagle is on the move. Over.

And don't worry, I can assure you I won't be falling in love with you.

Then why have you just opened the door for me?

Guys, I'm taken myself off detail.

He's fallen in love with me, big time.

Right, come on, you lot.

Laundry's not going to do itself.

Quick as you can.

Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

-There she is.

Off we go.

Oi, trouble!

Where you going to in such a hurry, eh?

Oh, don't tell me. Going to the theatre, are you?

Going West End, are you?

I'm going West End, you going West End?

Oh, no, off she goes! Eh, Pat?

Pat?

Pat Taylor, stop right there!

What are you lot staring at? Eyes front.

Pat. Look at me, Pat.

What's going on? You ignoring me or something?

Is it something I've said?

You do know I wasn't being sarcastic when I said your hair looked nice?

Yeah.

-It's not cos I didn't put you in goal, is it?

-Nah.

Well then what is it, Pat? You can tell me.

They think I'm a snitch.

-You what?

-They think I'm a snitch so I can't talk to you no more.

Who thinks you're a snitch, Pat?

-We do!

-Eyes front!

Right.

There's only one thing for it.

Punch me in the face, Pat.

-What?

-You heard. Punch me in the face.

-I can't punch you in the face.

-I can take it. I'm a big girl.

# Snitch and the officer sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s... #

In your face!

Nice one, Pat!

Right. You lot, show's over.

Laundry duty, now!

Blimey. She's stronger than she looks, that one.

Oh, dear!

I would like to sing a song for you now that is very close

to my heart. Perhaps you know it.

It's called El Tigre de Pasion.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC BEGINS

Actually, I can see one or two of you don't know it.

So for you, I will explain. It is from a saying in my country,

'Escondida el catalpa por de nada, de nada, de nada'.

Enjoy.

Actually, now I say it out loud, it doesn't really make any sense,

but it means this, if you give your love to another,

you can never take it back, even if the person you give it to...

(does not want it.)

Basically, it is the story of me and Raul, the great love of my life,

at least he was until he left me for that waitress in Vegas.

But in the end the joke was on him, because she died.

Not that I'm saying I'm happy she died, although she did deserve it.

This song is for broken-hearted people everywhere.

If you're asking if me and Raul still have chemistry, then sure,

sure we do. Will it ever work? I don't think so,

because I am the dove and he is the bastard mountain cat that I adore.

Really there is only one thing left to say...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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