Episode 3 Watson & Oliver

Ta-da! What do you think?

-Erm...

-What? Too short?

Too dressy? What, too fussy?

-Erm...

-Not my colour? Not with my skin tone?

-Mmm...

-Too tight? Bit cleavage-y?

-Not cleavage-y enough?

-Mmm...

Too last year? Too "Hello, boys"?

-Too big?

-Mmm.

Too cheap? Too young?

-Too see-through?

-Erm...

-Gives me pancake bum?

-Mmm.

-Too "I bought this from a tranny shop"?

-Erm...

-A bit too "This old thing? I just threw it on," when I blatantly didn't?

-Erm...

-A bit too "Hey, I got a Mad Men box set and Peggy's my favourite character?"

-Mmm.

Too "I run a shop selling overpriced candles?"

-Too "Don't look at me, but do look at me, but don't look at me"?

-Mmm.

-Too "I'm a high-class prostitute but not high enough"?

-Mmm.

-Too "I'm a sportswoman collecting an award"?

-Erm...

-Too "I was dressed by the Romanian Gok Wan"?

-Mmm.

Too "My mother dressed me until I was 24 and I'm stuck in the '80s

"and I'd rather be wearing a school uniform because it was always so much simpler then"?

This dress is repellent! It's disgusting, I look...

I look like Hitler!

Oh, my God!

I thought it looked all right.

So, first of all, I'd like to thank you so much

for taking the time to meet with me today.

I'd like to begin, if I may, with a brief outline of my business proposal.

-Sure, yes, go ahead.

-By all means.

Thank you so much.

So, basically, as you can see,

my business is a global international business

which specialises in the knowledge diversification of strategic market sustainability manoeuvres

whilst simultaneously maximising corporate profitability expenditures.

Right, yeah.

So, moving on, if I may,

we are looking to implement core competence across all subdivisions

to enable us to optimise capital realisation strategies going forward

so that in the next five years...

COMPUTER BEEPS

COMPUTER BEEPS

..we will be the leading business provider of robust fusion solutionabilities

in both the global and international markets.

OK, yeah, sure.

Which is why I'm looking for a financial investment

funding injection package of £10 million.

COMPUTER BEEPS

So, what is it the company does? It's a global...?

Global international business, that's correct, yes.

Which is...?

Which is a business that is both global and international.

So, say we were to invest the 10 million,

what sort of return could we expect over the first 12 months?

Sure. You'd be looking at a strategic profitability influx margin

of between 200 to £210 million.

COMPUTER BEEPS

Sorry, just to be totally clear, the company, it's, it's a...?

Sure, so, it's a global international business

which diversifies outgoing growth potential knowledge projections

to increase its strategic sustainability margins, mmm.

Sorry, what is it? Sustainability diversification...?

Knowledge diversification projections, yes.

Richard?

Erm, where's the company based?

It's a globally-based company.

On this globe, for example, where exactly would you say it's based?

Mmm, well, it's probably easier to say where it isn't based

than where it is based.

-So, where isn't it based, then?

-Globally speaking?

-Yeah.

Luxembourg.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

# You cast a spell on me Spell on me

# You hit me like the sky fell on me Fell on me

# And I decided you look well on me Well on me... #

Tamara, can I have a word with you, please?

I'm just having a dance.

Toilets, Tamara. Now.

-What's going on?

-What do you mean?

Do you like that bloke?

That bloke on the dance floor? Yeah, he was nice.

-What about Nathan?

-What about Nathan?

You and Nathan have only just split up

and you're already dancing up next to some random.

-Nathan split up with me, Emma.

-Emma, I don't...

-Stay out of this, Lise.

-Right.

Right, the thing about me is, yeah, I'm a really honest person.

-She is.

-So I'm not going to pretend you're not coming off really easy,

cos I can't lie to you. And I'm sorry if that upsets you,

but I'm not going to not tell the truth, cos I just can't do that,

-cos this is who I am.

-That's who she is.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change who I am for no-one,

-so don't ask me to cos I won't do it.

-Deal with it.

Cos I'm a really honest person and that's just who I am.

Just like I'm not going to stand here and be all two-faced

-and say you look nice in that dress...

-Don't.

..when what you actually look like is a massive fat banana.

-You really do.

-And I'm sorry if that upsets you but I've gotta be myself, yeah,

-cos I'm a really honest person.

-She is.

And if you don't like that, then I'm sorry,

but I ain't never going to not be myself because then I'd be lying to myself, and I can't do that,

-cos I'm a really honest person and that's just who I am.

-That's just who she is.

I think that's enough now, guys.

By the way, Lisa slept with Nathan while you were at your nan's.

Don't worry about it, Lise, he'd slept with half of Romford by the time he got to you.

Just got to be honest, haven't you?

Absolutely.

Oh, thank goodness you've come.

We do what we can.

Can I get you a cup of tea?

I'll get these bad boys down first. Where are the Jerries?

Oh, er, the mice? Erm, well, they're over there.

Cupboard by the cooker.

-So, what now?

-Now...

we wait.

So, is it a good time for pest control?

I can't talk about that, Madam.

OK.

TRAP SNAPS, MOUSE SQUEAKS

Oh, God, there it goes.

SHE EXHALES

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, no, I'm fine.

TRAP SNAPS, MOUSE SQUEAKS

Gah!

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, nope, you think you get used to it, and...

TRAP SNAPS, MOUSE SQUEALS

Oh!

Look, is there something I can get you?

No, it's, erm... It's just that, erm...

Killing things is the part of the job that I hate, so...

Isn't that the main part of the job?

Yeah, which is what makes it very, very hard.

I love the other stuff, so...

The uniform, the people, the smell of rodenticide in the morning.

-Just not the poisoning of the rodents.

-Yeah.

Someone's son, someone's daughter, you know?

Not really...

TWO TRAPS SNAP

SHE SIGHS

That's a mummy and a daddy, and two babies.

Oh, that's a shame.

All right, give me a minute.

SHE EXHALES

May God have mercy on us all.

-RADIO:

-"Next up, that 1985 hit from Falco, Rock Me Amadeus."

# Rock me all the time to the top

# Er war ein Punker Und er lebte in der grossen Stadt

# Es war Wien war Vienna Wo er alles tat

# Er hatte Schulden denn er trank Doch ihn liebten alle Frauen

# Und jede rief Come and rock me Amadeus

# Er war Superstar Er war popular

# Er war so exaltiert Because er hatte Flair

# Er war ein Virtuose War ein Rockidol

# Und alles rief Come on and rock me Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus... #

POLICE SIREN BLARES

# Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus

# Come on, rock me, Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus

# Hey!

# Es war um 1780 Und es war in Wien

# No plastic money any more Die Banken gegen ihn

# Woher die Schulden kamen War wohl jedermann bekannt

# Er war ein Mon der Frauen Frauen liebten seinen Punk

# Er war Superstar Er war so popular

# Er war so exaltiert Because er hatte Flair

# Er war ein Virtuose War ein Rockidol

# Und alles rief Come on and rock me Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus

# Come on, rock me, Amadeus... #

Oi! Denim. Crisp packet.

Bin. Now.

Lucky we were here.

Unbelievable. See that?

Good morning, Susan.

Ah, erm, er, yes.

I'll be with you in a second, er, Lord Blakely.

Right, so, vase, trifle, and china, so that's...

So, erm, where were we?

Um, er, yes, and a good morning to you, too, Lord Blakely!

Got there in the end, didn't we?!

I was just coming in to check they'd brought in my blue jasper?

Ah, 234 years she's been in the family.

What a beauty, eh?

Yes, the, er, the vase, that's on display.

Good. Right, well, Fiona Bruce is just outside in the courtyard.

I'll be bringing her in in a sec to take a look at it,

and I dare say she'll be wanting a taste of your delicious trifle, Susan.

Shan't be long.

Oh, er, yes, right. Fiona Bruce! Um...

Diane, we've got a code red celebrity situation happening down here, my love!

"Oh, hello, Mrs Bruce.

"Er, Miss Bruce. I mean, Ms Bruce.

"Hello, Fiona Bruce. Would you care for some trifle?"

That's all, er, set.

WASP BUZZES

BUZZING CONTINUES

What are you doing, wasp?

What are you doing?

BUZZING CONTINUES

BUZZING STOPS

Oh!

BUZZING RESUMES

Diane?

Can you come down, my love?!

BUZZING CONTINUES

BUZZING STOPS

BUZZING RESUMES

Ooh!

Diane, we've got an A-list sting potential

with Bruce in transit, my darlin'.

Susan, this is Fiona Bruce...

CHINA SMASHES

Bruce!

WASP BUZZES

HE YELLS, VASE SMASHES

My jasper!

BUZZING CONTINUES

BUZZING STOPS

Got ya, you bleeder!

Not you, Bruce.

DIANE!

RADIO: # It's everything about you You, you

BOTH: # Everything about you you, you

# It's everything that you do Do, do

# Everything about you... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

-Hey, Fi.

-Hey, Bea.

-Hey, Melissa.

-Hey, Clarissa.

Thank you for taking us to the concert, Mr Beckford.

It's my absolute pleasure, Melissa.

-Did you have a nice birthday?

-Yah, I had a really nice birthday.

Do you want to see my presents?

Totally.

I got a One Direction pencil case.

That's nice.

I got a One Direction Velcro purse.

I like that.

I got a One Direction ringbinder.

That's nice.

I got a One Direction lunchbox.

I really like that.

I got a One Direction flask.

That's nice.

I got a One Direction hot water bottle.

I like that. I think it's really nice.

And I got a Take That calendar.

It's from my aunty Catherine.

She's, like, bipolar.

'I guess it was a night like any other.

'I was writing up a story about a district attorney who was living way beyond his means.

'He was waving more notes than a fat kid in gym class.'

Night, Ginger.

Good night, Joe.

'That's his yacht. Pretty, ain't she?

'And I guess the girl's not bad either.

'I had it all figured out. Just another DA on the take,

'another actress on the make. So far, so blah, right?'

Good night, Joe.

'Boy, could I be more wrong?'

'It was no good. I couldn't sleep.

'Something had gotten under my skin. Something in those photographs.

'Something stank like three-day-old fish.

'And it wasn't my three-day-old fish.

'I just had to take a closer look at those photographs.'

Hi, Joe.

'What was wrong with that picture?

'What was eating away at me like a piranha at a pool party?'

Come on, Ginger, you're looking at this all wrong.

'And then I saw it!'

My God!

'I had a grenade in my hand, and I'd pulled out the pin!

'I needed to call Joe, my editor, not Joe the photographer.

'Or Joe the cleaner.'

PHONE RINGS

It's 3am, Ginger! This better be good.

She has cellulite, Joe! I'm going to win the Pulitzer with this!

Forget it, Ginger! You're off the story.

I've had a tip-off the VP's selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese.

How's your Mandarin?

Put Jimmy on the Chinese nukes! An actress has orange peel skin!

Don't you see?

And I'm telling you now to drop it, Ginger!

People don't want to know about the physical

imperfections of the rich and famous! It just don't sell.

I remember when I was just a cub reporter working for an editor

who didn't care what would sell.

The only thing that editor cared about was the truth.

And the truth is an actress has got slightly bumpy thighs.

People need to know, Joe. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but in three months' time while they're waiting for the dentist.

Goddamn it! I'm going to run this story!

Oh, you won't regret it, Joe!

Hold the front page! We're running with "Famous Lady Has Bumpy Thighs"!

Think I'll make a drink.

What do you want, Sal, tea or coffee?

Erm...

Sally Marshall. I'm from the future. Listen carefully.

We don't have much time.

The future of the planet lies in your hands.

You must choose tea. Do you understand? It's your destiny.

It's vitally important that you choose tea! I must go.

Choose tea.

Sal? Tea or coffee?

Er...tea, please, dad?

Oh, no, we're out of bags.

Do you want to pop to the shop, darlin'?

Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll just have a coffee.

Oh, well, thanks a lot, Sally Marshall.

Seriously. Thanks a... Argh! Laser in the face!

Actually, Dad, have you got a biscuit?

If you could marry one of One Direction, who would you marry?

I'd marry Niall. He's really nice.

Oh, he's so nice.

He's nice, isn't he?

Yeah, Niall's really nice.

I really like Niall.

Yeah, I really like Niall. I think he's really nice.

Yeah, I like Niall, but I also really like Liam.

ALL OTHERS: Really? Do you like Liam?

Literally. I think Liam's eyes are so nice.

Yeah. I really like Liam's left eye.

I like Liam's left eye, but I also really like Liam's right eye.

Yeah, he's got a really nice right eye, I really like it.

I'd marry Harry.

Oh, I really like Harry!

Yeah, I really like Harry. He's got really nice hair.

Yeah, his hair's so nice.

It's such nice hair.

-Yeah, he's got really nice hair. I really like it.

-Yeah.

Do you not like Zayn's hair?

-Right! That's it!

-CAR HORN BEEPS

It's like a part of me likes Zayn's hair

but another part of me doesn't like Zayn's hair.

ALL OTHERS: Totally.

Is there a story there, Ginger? Is there anything in it?

Oh, there's a story, Joe. There's a story all right.

You just need to know what you're looking for. Open your eyes!

There's a slight overhang on her waistband

like the top of a muffin - a muffin-top!

-Hold the front page!

-Not so fast!

Bump muffin top to page four! This is dynamite!

Look at this famous man - he has small pockets of fat on his torso!

-He's got man-boobs!

-Moobs?

I could kiss you, Joe! Now you're talking like a real newspaperman!

But wait! Bump moobs to page six! Look at this famous lady!

My God!

There's no clear demarcation where her calves end and her ankles begin!

She's got cankles!

Hold the front page! We're running with cankles!

Hello, girls.

Just letting you know that Mummy's stuck at work again,

so Mummy won't be home for bedtime tonight.

Will you hold the camera still?

-I'll give you a list of names in a minute, all right?

-Hurry up!

That's Sergey. He's a baddie.

Hello! We're not baddies. We have legitimate aims.

No, they don't.

Oh! I like your pyjamas. Are they kittens?

-Don't tell him anything!

-Ha-ha!

Right! Be good for Daddy.

And, Rosie, don't jump on the bed, all right?

Mummy will be home as soon as she can steal a helicopter.

Hello. I'm Denise May and welcome back to Treat Yourself TV.

Well, you've certainly been treating yourselves tonight

because the genuine multi-gemstone Flamingo Princess droplet earrings

with matching quartz studded Flamingo cameo has almost sold out.

Only 50,000 left in stock, so what are you waiting for?

Pick up the phone and treat yourselves.

Moving on to our next item, and here to present it is Lenora.

Hello, Lenora.

Oh! Hello, Denise.

So, I'm here today to introduce to you a brand-new product

that I'm so excited about, I really am.

So it's called the Globaliser, and basically

it's an international facilitating device that not only promotes

structural stability on multiple levels, but also distributes

independent strengthening functionalities...

globally speaking.

So, it's a kind of, erm...

well, it's, you know, the kind of thing you'd use

when, obviously, when you wanted to, erm...

-Globalise. That's correct, yes.

-Great, great!

OK! Well, shall we take a look at it? I'm sure it will become clearer.

Absolutely.

So this is it.

And if I can just direct your optical organs to this global

accessibility display panel,

not only does it enable you to instigate key variables

of existing core manoeuvres,

but it also promotes intrinsic sensibility fluctuations,

on a global scale.

I don't know if you can see this at home actually,

but the detail on this is really rather special.

Just look at the finish here. And the shape.

It really is very unique indeed.

Lenora, talk us through it in a bit more detail.

What are we actually looking at here?

Well, it's very simple, Denise.

So, basically, this bit opens up like this,

and then you have your immobiliser there...and then of course

you have your flexibility accentuaters,

but then you have your standard global enhancement activators

here,

here, and thus.

And what's this bit?

That's the handle, Denise.

So that, for example, you can take it with you to work

or to the supermarket.

Lenora, where are our viewers most likely to use this?

Well, Denise, it can be used pretty much anywhere,

but personally I like to use it in my living room and at barbecues.

And how much will one of these set you back?

-Well, it usually retails at a price of six million pounds.

-Oh!

But tonight, and for one night only, we have a special promotional offer

of just two million pounds.

-Gosh! So that's a saving of...

-Just four million pounds, yes.

Well, I don't know about you at home,

but I can definitely see myself buying a Globaliser.

So why don't you? Come on.

Pick up the phone and treat yourself.

And, for a limited period only,

Lenora, tell us what you're giving away.

Well, Denise, with every purchase of the Globaliser,

we're giving away a free fibre dispersal catalyst

completely free of charge.

And that is a...

A hairbrush! Of course!

Well, that's me sold!

I'll tell you what, if I wasn't at work, I'd be buying myself a Globaliser right now.

You can have this one if you like, Denise.

Oh! I do like. Thank you very much!

See you after the break.

That's two million pounds, please.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in!

Good morning, Prime Minister.

-No rest for the wicked, eh?

-There's your morning schedule.

Thank you, Mark.

Mummy, Mummy, look!

Oh, that's lovely, darling.

HE MAKES LOUD NOISE

Don't forget it's your day to take the kids to school.

Mum, I think I drank too much chocolate milk.

Yes, well done, darling. That's today, is it?

Yes, it's on the calendar.

Oh, right, well, if it's on the calendar(!)

HE RETCHES

What is it you're doing again?

I'm pitching to the Swiss, first thing.

Right, yes, of course you are.

-See you later.

-Yes. See you later.

Oh, God! I don't believe it. We're going to war!

What?

Yes, I've just had a text from the Foreign Secretary

and it looks like we're going to war, so I'm probably going to have to go in early, I'm afraid.

I didn't hear you get a text message.

No, well my phone is on silent so...

PHONE RINGS

Pushed the thingy by mistake there.

Looks like you're going to have to take the children to school. Sorry about that.

The Foreign Secretary told you we're going to war...in a text?

Yes, I should probably have a word with him about that, actually.

Bit unprofessional.

-Let me see it.

-What?

Show me the text.

I can't.

It's...it's classified.

Show me the text or I'm going.

There - see?

Frances, are you pretending we've gone to war

so you don't have to take the kids to school?

Oh, my God, Jeff! How could you even think that?

You're right. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Aha-ha-ha-ha-haa!

ALARM RINGS

I told you it was classified.

Bye, boys! Be good for Daddy.

Bye, darling!

# Hello

# I'd like to introduce myself to you

# I'm that girl from all those adverts

# That your boyfriend wishes he was married to

# I'm cute

# I sound just like a baby when I sing

# I can play the ukelele

# And do cartwheels in the rain, that's just my thing

# I wear dark-rimmed retro spectacles

# And ankle socks with brogues

# Now I'm rolling in a meadow in my girly vintage clothes

# That's right, I'm kooky girl

# And my favourite mode of transport

# Is a bicycle with a basket on the front

# For flowers and French baguettes

# Cos I'm a kooky girl

# Look, a fountain! Now I'm in it

# How original! Who can resist my quirky charms?

# Adorable, cutesy, nerdy # She's feminine and flirty

# Kooky girl

# If you need someone to advertise your bank or mobile phones

# Or your dating website needs more hits, we'll make it more well known

# Yes, we are kooky girls

# We're all over your TV

# Like Zooey Deschanel

# We're the quirky girl army # We're so non-threatening

# Men and women both love me

# We'll sell you anything

# Cos we look so flippin' twee... #

Right, what do you want?

We've got digital cameras, we've got perfumes, mortgage deals...

-Quick! It's the fuzz!

-Laters.

POLICE SIREN WAILS

So the transmission is concluded but there is additional material

if you digitate the red protuberance, right now.

Push the red button for more.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd