Episode 1 Witless

So, I've got some big news.

-I'm buying a flat.

-Oh, wow! Amazing!

What, like a buy-to-let sort of thing? You go, girl.

-No, I'll be living in the flat.

-Right, OK.

OK!

So, you'll be the landlady and I'll be your lodger.

That'll be funny.

No, Leanne, it's a one-bed flat.

Right. So...?

I'm moving out, Leanne.

We won't be flatmates any more.

Um...

OK, wow!

-Congratulations. I'm so happy for you.

-OK.

Are you going to miss me?

God, yeah. Of course, I'll miss you.

Feels like we've lived together for forever.

Two years, eight months.

You're the longest one by two years.

-So, where is this flat?

-Bedminster.

Bedminster? That's, like, the other side of Bristol.

-You're going to be so far away.

-Yeah, shame.

I'll have to stay when over when I visit.

-I don't...

-Oh, can we go by Londis?

I need to stock up on some crisps and Tampax.

I'm coming on tomorrow. I'll get some for you as well.

-Oh, no, I'm good actually, I'm not...

-Rhona, girls who live together,

flow together. Science fact.

DOOR OPENS

Ladies...thank you for your time.

Here's a leaflet

that you may find helpful.

And I'm required to pass on.

We've no further questions for you tonight,

so we'll arrange a car to take you home.

-KNOCKING

-Excuse me.

INAUDIBLE

What the fuck?!

For fuck's sake!

All right, go and get the lady officer.

Now, in our communication with a suspect's solicitor,

we were required to inform him

that two eyewitnesses had positively identified his client.

During this process, it appears that, regretfully,

your names were involuntarily misnonredacted.

(What does that mean?)

By which you mean...?

Your names were inadvertently passed on to the defence's legal team.

The good news is that, at least until this goes to trial,

you'll both be granted protective witness status. Let me assure you...

Wait, you're saying we need to go into witness protection?

SHE GASPS

You'll be issued with new identities

and the requisite documents to accompany them.

I want to talk to your boss. No, in fact, MP.

Get my MP on the phone.

Can I just say you've come to the right person for this?

I've got a BTEC in Performance Arts,

so I know all about creating character.

There really is nothing you would call acting involved.

One starts with the shoes. Through the shoes, one finds the walk.

Is this all really absolutely necessary?

I'm afraid the murder you witnessed was part of a gang-related feud

over the sale of bootleg cigarettes.

The people it involved are considered highly organised

and extremely dangerous.

What's this? I asked for a Mini Milk.

-Mate, that's worth five Mini Milks.

-Don't care.

I ain't selling it, am I? I want to eat it.

-I want to eat a Mini Milk.

-Boys...

Look, I got a job for yous, ain't I? This one's come from upstairs.

The Osama Bin Big Bollocks himself, yeah?

Said he wants my soldiers, DJ Safe As Fuck...

DJ Sound As Fuck.

And, er...

-Appraisal.

-Wants my boys DJ Sound As Fuck and Appraisal on this one.

There's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.

They need taking out.

See where I'm coming from?

Now, er...

Have any of you lads ever handled one of these before?

Yeah, yeah, of course, man.

Loads of times.

We're cool.

MUSIC: Lapdance by N.E.R.D.

# I'm an outlaw

# Quick on the draw... #

Get one with the porn!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, I'm John Inverdale.

Usually, it gives me, and others,

a great deal of joy when I say that.

But today I say it in an altogether more sombre tone,

because if you're watching this video, it means you been placed,

or are about to be placed in police witness protection.

First up, I want to talk about "legends",

and I don't mean Beefy Botham or Sting.

Legend is police terminology for your new identity

and the requisite documents that come with it.

Sarah Penn.

Lisa Smith.

Li-sa Smith...

My mind's filling up with ideas already.

Who is Lisa Smith?

What are her dreams?

Can I see a statement of exactly

what you're going to tell my employers?

Do you know, I think Lisa Smith hasn't always been happy.

-I'll make sure it's run by you.

-There's a darkness to Lisa Smith.

Something in her past.

If I can ask you to hand over any cards?

Debit cards, credit cards, anything that identifies you.

But she'd be strong. Well, she's had to be.

From now on, I need you to only use these names, even in private.

There are bank cards and PIN numbers in there.

The account will be topped up weekly

and you'll also find £60 of vouchers for George at Asda.

-Ooh!

-OK, if you're ready, I'll take you to your accommodation.

-SHE GASPS

-Ooh, exciting!

HORN BLARES

HELICOPTER WHIRS

'You have reached your...'

This is nice and it's bang in the centre of Swindon.

Right. I thought you were supposed to match our current living situation.

I don't understand.

We live in a Victorian conversion with period features.

I'm not seeing cornicing.

You lived in a two-bed, this is a two-bad.

Hey, there's a lovely smell of egg in here.

I'll be in touch.

Er, actually...

if you think about it,

I was in the process of moving out of the flat I share with Leanne.

-Ah!

-Sorry, Lisa.

So, technically, shouldn't I be given a place of my own?

I'm sorry, we're not required to budget for that.

And there's no sort of top-up system?

Is there an equivalent of BUPA?

God, look at this place!

It'll feel like home once we've got a Glade plug-in.

The police are effing morons!

Hey, this will cheer you up.

Guess who held on to her Boots advantage card?

Leanne, that'll have your name on it.

Yeah, and 2,000 points!

-That's the business end of a femidom.

-No, I'm serious, Leanne.

You need to cut that up.

-Seriously, this affects both of us.

-OK, OK,

But you owe me at least ten Meal Deals.

God.

Morning, all. Well, here we are. Day one of WitPro.

What should you do?

Well, I'll tell you what you shouldn't do.

You shouldn't just sit around, knees knocking,

chewing on your fingernails.

It can be a while before your legend is tested,

so best get the first one out the way.

Something nice and simple.

You're going to register with your local dentist.

So, put your shoes on, get off the sofa

and get ready to say,

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah."

Oh, nice.

Is that a character detail?

-No, it's a mild asthma attack.

-Oh.

Hi, we'd like to register as new patients.

Because we've just moved here, because of, with our jobs,

from a different area to this one.

OK, well, let's get you on the system.

Who wants to go first?

My name is Sarah Penn, I live at 39 Woodbridge Court,

I work in the public sector.

Fine, and, er, can I get your NHS number?

Seven.

Seven.

-Is that another seven or...?

-Seven.

Sorry about her, um, she's a little bit nervous.

Um, she had an experience when she was younger.

-Dentist put his thingy in her mouth.

-No, no, that didn't happen.

Bless her. Abuse memory. They cover it up.

Your dentist here, he doesn't do that, does he?

Well, actually, Dr Prakesh is a lady.

Ah, did you hear that, Sarah?

Lady dentist, hasn't even got a thingy.

We haven't got our NHS numbers. Is that going to be a problem?

No, that's fine.

Can I get your name?

My name is...

..Mystique.

Mystique?

And could you spell that for me?

Ooh, now you're asking!

M...

You on the internet there? Can we google it?

Mystique? What the fuck?!

I just felt, in the moment, this woman's not called Lisa.

Oh, for god's sake, this isn't Inside The Actors' Studio!

This is trying not to get murdered in Swindon.

Well, I like to ad-lib a little. Keeps it fresh.

That bit that you did about the dentist

-putting his thingy in your mouth - great!

-You said that.

All right, it's not about taking credit for this bit or that.

I'm just saying, it was a nice detail.

It brought the character to life,

and I could tell she really enjoyed it.

Look, we don't want her to enjoy it, we want her to not think about it.

Is someone cross with themselves because she thinks she was rubbish?

Mmm.

You were fine and you're going to get even better.

Until then, I got absolutely no problem with picking up the slack.

Now, we've got 60 quid's worth of George at Asda vouchers

burning holes in our pockets.

-Let's dress Sarah and Monique.

-Mystique.

Yes, I like that! Monique Mystique.

Next!

-You killed a man before?

-Nah...

In the end, he pulled through.

-What about you?

-Yeah, mate.

-When?

-On holiday.

Corfu.

Guy slagged off my pedalo.

Bang!

Smashed his windpipe.

Now I can't set foot on the island.

Or book a holiday through Thomson direct.

Next!

We want to look at the register.

The election thing with the, um, people's names and shit.

Can I ask why?

Fucking...school?

Certainly.

Yeah, well, I've just moved to the area, you see,

with my friend Sarah, who's also single, like me, single.

-OK, well then, you should definitely come.

-Hmmm.

They don't do peach frappes, so I got you a tea. Hello?

Sarah, this is Patrick.

It was so funny!

Patrick left his receipt thingy in the cash machine,

but I chased him and gave it to him.

Yeah, it was a close call. I'm actually still shaking.

-You cheeky... He's taking the piss!

-Hm.

Patrick's having a house party tonight

and he's very kindly invited us along.

Yeah, one of my flatmates is a really talented beatboxer,

but he's away for the weekend, so it's a perfect time for a party.

Oh, shit!

We can't because we've got that, um, thing.

What thing?

You know, that bloody, um...

..christening.

What, tonight?

Oh, tonight?

Sorry, I thought you meant the party was on, um, Sunday morning.

-So we can go then?

-Yes.

Amazing.

And you were talking to that guy because...?

Rhona, he clearly looked at my baps.

Now, if I don't say hello, how suspicious is that?

We've got to be careful, Leanne, he could be anyone.

He's a student nurse. I asked him.

He's basically doing a degree in being lovely.

Well, we're obviously not going to that party.

Rhona, we have to act natural,

and that means we can't run a mile every time boys talk to us.

We're two normal girls,

and when normal girls get asked to parties, they say yes.

-I just feel like it's risky.

-Well, I'm going.

You're more than welcome to join me.

OK, we go for one hour, tops.

That's the way.

We could do with a bit of nightlife.

Have you ever been out in Swindon? It's mental!

A bit like Gloucester,

only not so stuck-up.

BUZZER SOUNDS

HE SNIFFS

Are you ringing for flat two?

They're not in.

I don't know when they'll be back.

-Can I help you?

-Do you know 'em?

-Oh, yes!

Lovely girls. They always shut the back gate.

I sometimes accept parcels on their behalf.

Have you come courting?

DOORBELL

MUSIC: Daft Punk Is Playing At My House by LCD Soundsystem

Hi.

H-hi.

Sarah. Penn.

I work in the public sector.

Manage a small team.

Six years I lived in Saudi with that particular husband

and I wanted for nothing.

Servants, perfumes, fine silks,

but there were two things I wasn't allowed.

My freedom

and a Facebook account.

Oh, wow.

Hi, I'm Sarah.

I work in the public sector, I manage a small team.

And I said, "Well, Hassan, we have a phrase in English.

"'If you love someone, set 'em free'."

And I took my burka off

and I threw it into the champagne fountain.

And I said, "Hey, just because this is the public sector

"doesn't mean I'm afraid to bang a few heads together."

Do you know what I'm saying?

I manage a small team - that means a few things.

-RADIO:

-Earlier today, police were called to a house in the Easton

area of Bristol following reports of gunfire.

A spokesman for the police confirmed

a 76-year-old woman was found dead at the scene.

Her name has not yet been released.

In other news...

Mate, I know what you're going through.

You should have seen me in Corfu.

Couldn't even finish my egg and chips.

But you became a man today.

Respect.

I'll do the next one.

You've kinda got me in the mood for it now, actually.

Someone's having a good time!

This guy is a scream!

Whoo!

-I'm Mystique.

-Ooh!

Sorry...

-Look!

-What?

Him.

Oh, yeah!

Patrick looks well fit in a suit, doesn't he?

No, him!

Hm?

Oh, bums.

Wakey-wakey, Rhons!

Hey, that was a bit of a close shave last night, wasn't it?

What are the odds?

Oh, well, all's well that ends well.

Probably laugh about it in a few years. I made you a cuppa.

-Oh, you're up.

-Yes.

How come?

I can't do this any more. It's too dangerous.

What, are you going to go to the police?

They got us into this mess in the first place.

No, I am going to do what I always do. I'm going to sort it out myself.

It's that Virgin Media contract all over again.

S...So, what are you going to do?

I'm going to talk to these people, strike a deal.

What, the baddies?!

-Are you mad?

-Leanne, these are businesspeople.

All they want to do is sell their illegal fags without any hassle.

-The police said...

-Of course the police are going to say

they're bloodthirsty murder-bastards -

-they want us to testify.

-Well, they shot that guy!

That was a precision hit. Strictly business.

Listen, I have seen Breaking Bad, I've seen...most of The Wire.

We're only in danger if they think that we're a threat. Think about it.

If they can avoid bloodshed, they will. I mean, you've not read

Freakonomics, but bloodshed is bad for business.

It brings police attention.

If they can be assured we won't testify,

they'll have no reason or wish to do us any harm.

Hmmm...

Rhona, hon, I know you're feeling kind of shaky because I had to

save you at the dentist, but honestly,

you're not in any danger at all.

You're with a BTEC-qualified actress,

and I am more than happy to use my gifts to keep you from harm.

-Listen to me...

-In fact, I've got some ideas about Sarah Penn,

-and I'd be delighted to workshop them with you.

-Listen to me!

You are the problem! You are fucking terrible at acting.

It is your acting that is going to get me killed!

That is why I am doing this, you silly, silly shit!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Boys, I'm, erm...

looking to score a medium portion of ecstasies.

No? Not to worry, should probably have an early night anyway.

But before I go,

I just wanted to put the word out there about something...

get it out on the street, as it were.

Now, I presume you boys heard about the shooting on Parsons Lane?

Well, my client,

the person I represent,

was a witness to that.

Now, obviously, the po-po have been on her balls trying to

get her to talk, but my client is a woman of business

and she wants it to be known that she is willing to cut a deal.

So if the interested party would like to meet with me,

I will be in the Ambassador's Lounge strip club from four.

I'll be the lady who doesn't have her tits out.

Community leaders in Bristol's Easton district expressed shock

today following the shooting of a pensioner in her own home.

The 76-year-old, whose body was discovered last night...

-Look, I can't talk now, I'm nearly there.

-Rhona, wait...

Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. I'm meeting them at a strip club,

the one near Robert Dyas.

It's safe for them, it's where they like to do business.

Rhona, please, stop...

You'd know if you'd gotten past episode three of The Sopranos.

-Oh, I'll call you later.

-No, Rhona - I mean Sarah - if you refuse...

Oh, bums.

Mate!

Mate!

I know where one of them is, and it's brilliant.

# Talk dirty to me

# Talk dirty to me

# Get jazzy on me

# You know the words to my songs... #

Would you mind just keeping an eye on that while I nip to the ladies?

I presume you have a ladies. For the performers and lesbians?

Great!

Mate, this is going to be sweet.

We'll have a few beers, a few quick fucks, then we'll drop the body.

No, actually, we'll drop the body first, then we'll have the fucks.

Cos you know what women are like. They see you drop a body,

they ain't going to make you pay for your fucks.

Talking of which, give me the gun. I'm going to do this one.

Oh, my God, Rhona, you're not dead! Come to me.

LOUDLY: Sorry, I don't know anyone called Rhona.

What are you doing here?! I said I'm taking care of this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! These people ARE bloodthirsty murder-bastards!

Come on.

-That's them, that's them!

-Oh, my God, our lives are going to end here,

in the Ambassador's Lounge near Robert Dyas.

The police are going to see my brown pants, and they don't match!

What are we going to do?

Erm...all right, listen.

I've got a plan, but it involves a certain amount of acting...

and you getting your ninnies out.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Get out, you slag!

I take you in off the streets and this is how you repay me?

Selling it on the side in the bogs!

This is a classy establishment.

I will not have brasses dragging it down to the gutter!

You're fired!

That was brilliant!

-They totally bought it. COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Come on!

I'm going to stay in cockney till the train, if it's all the same.

Let's get aht o' here!

How...how come he's got Visa Electron, then, if he ain't 18?

I'm scared, Rhons.

Like, more than when I saw Paranormal Activity 4 on my own

-and that old man tried to talk to me.

-I know, mate.

Listen...

..thanks for saving me today. Seriously, you were amazing.

-You don't have to say that.

-No, I mean it.

For a second or two, I honestly felt like I was being

chucked out the Queen Vic by Barbara Windsor.

Thank you!

That is the highest compliment you can pay an actor.

We'll be all right if we just stick together, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Come here.

By the way, um, if I tell you something, please don't shout at me.

-W-what is it?

-Well, you know my Boots card with my name on it?

-Mm...

-I...didn't cut it up.

OK. Um, let's cut it up now, shall we?

And I lost it, with my purse,

in my bag.

Right.

And I think I know where it is.

I will come with you and wait outside.

Well, you're going to have to come armed.

Ha... Hiya!

Mate? It's me.

We got him. And I mean we fucking got him.

I know your little secret, Mystique.

Your name isn't Mystique at all, is it?