Episode 1 World Series of Dating

Hello and welcome to the World Series of Dating.

My name is James Chetwyn-Talbot

and it's a privilege to be joined from the United States

by five-times World Series of Dating champion

and a true legend of the competitive dating world, it's Doyle McManus.

Hey! Good to be here, Jim-Biz!

I'm looking forward to seeing some great British dating.

The weather here is cold but the women are hot

-and your accents are hilarious!

-Very kind of you to say so.

That's what I'm talking about! HE LAUGHS

You sound like the Queen! Oh, I can't take you guys seriously.

It's just adorable.

Thanks. The World Series is new to the UK

so Doyle has provided us with this helpful guide.

The World Series of Dating sees seduction, sport and suppers smashed into each other. Come on!

In each heat, four guys enter the date zone

and their mission is to date the lady for as long as they can,

each second at the table earning him ten points.

-If you want to have sex with me, fine.

-You're such an arsehole.

The guys need to be at the top of their dating game

because if these girls are left cold, they will hit the blow-out button.

-Naughty!

-Legendary WSOD referee Bentley will make a judgement call on the date.

For minor dating errors, the guy may get another chance,

-but if a dating violation has occurred..

-That's a violation, man!

-..the guy is off the table.

-Go ahead, man!

The winner is the guy who lasted the longest.

The battle to become UK's greatest living dater has begun. Yeah!

Thank you very much, Doyle. We are moments away from the action

so it's time to meet the team of temptresses

the men will have to impress tonight.

# One, two, three, four

Doyle, this is Becca, 21, a petite yet potent package of passion.

A pocket-sized porcelain princess.

Becca's ideal partner would be elderly rapper LL Cool J.

I think he's like in his 70s! Kinky!

Next it's Lau, 22 from Durham, a feast from the Northeast.

-Says here she likes going out with friends.

-Ah, going out with friends.

-That's got to hurt, James.

-Nonsense. I have my round table meetings.

In the third pod tonight, it's Bambi,

a 23-year-old Brummie yummy who can apparently touch her nose with her tongue.

-I could touch her nose with my tongue.

-That's why we've locked the commentary booth door.

-Oh, come on!

Final lady tonight is Lucie, 22, stylish, stunning, unique,

-a British classic.

-Ah, much like your Sarah Ferguson.

Nope, she's your Sarah Ferguson now.

Here comes the first of the boys to do battle tonight.

This is Chris and I've no idea what he's doing

but he claims he looks like David Beckham.

I only know David Beckham the soccer player and that is not him.

-Well, let's see if he's got golden balls tonight.

-Oh! Nice one, Jado!

-Thank you. It's James.

Here comes Greg. He's a student, so probably here for the free food.

Unlike Chris, this one's a looker. He could do well.

-It's not all about looks.

-You keep telling yourself that.

Next up is 25-year-old bar supervisor Gary.

His turn-off is toe-sucking.

Well, he obviously hasn't seen my instructional video,

Doyle McManus's Toe-ma Sutra. It's red hot.

-Straight to VHS, I should think.

-It's band in most countries. It's kind of specialist.

Finally, it's Antonio, 25 from London,

a drummer with the look of philandering footballer Ashley Cole.

I like this guy. He could be a contender.

Poor, poor Cheryl. Never mind. Here's referee Bentley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gentlemen, I love the smell of dating in the evening.

The pungent mix of fear,

musk, hair products and victory.

Now, I've put in some work. I've spent the whole afternoon warming up these ladies.

All you guys have to do is bring them to the boil.

Go dating!

-Hi.

-Hi, nice to meet you.

-Chris. Is it Becca?

-Yeah.

And they're off! Chris has drawn Becca.

-Hey, so have I! Check 'em out!

-OK, back to the date zone.

-How old are you?

-Old enough. 21.

-I'm 21, as well.

-Cool.

Any chance of two glasses, one of each?

-OK.

-Why not?

-Red or white?

-I'll have red first. Cheers.

SHE LAUGHS

-Thank you.

-Wait there, will you?

'Oh! I like him!'

Cheers. I'll have white now.

I know what I'm having. I'm having the melon boat. I love melon.

-Er, I'll have the split pea soup as a starter, actually.

-Oh!

I'll let the lady choose first of all.

Erm, I'm really torn between the two.

Spaghetti bolognese reminds me of Lady And The Tramp. Thank you.

-Did you catch what the dessert was?

-Eton mess.

-Ooh! That's chocolate, I'm sure.

-Is it?

Just for the record, as someone who went there, Eton mess is not a chocolate pudding.

Obviously Antonio knows what he's doing. Never correct a lady.

Unless you're being polite, then you can.

What's your favourite film?

Oh, my favourite film? I did say... I love loads of films.

My favourite is Don't Mess With The Zohan.

-Hm.

-Have you ever seen that film?

-No.

-Oh, it's amazing.

-What's it about?

-It's like a secret agent.

-That's mine. Thank you.

-It's just a comedy and he does all sorts.

-Yeah?

-In one scene, he's flipping fish, showing off,

he's like a ladies' man in it. And then the next thing you know,

he flips up this fish and he catches it between his cheeks on his arse

while he's lying on the beach. It's a lot of things like that.

Opening with a story about catching fish in the buttocks while the lady enjoys her split pea soup.

-Take us through that.

-This guy's either a genius or an idiot.

The next five minutes will let us know which one he is. You British are weird! And I like it!

And he wants to be a hairdresser. He works for the military

but he leaves the military, pretends he's dying and he does become the best hairdresser there is.

-And is this your friend.

-No, this is the film.

-Oh!

-Yeah. I'd love him to be my friend, though.

-Yeah.

-Where you from?

-From Bristol. Where are you from?

Cambridge. Posh boy, you see?

-You don't sound very posh.

-Are you suggesting I'm common?

-No, you just don't sound posh.

-Well, I am a little bit. I'm from Cambridge, I have to be posh.

-OK.

-Cambridge University.

-Yeah, but have you gone to Cambridge University?

-No, but that's not really important.

-So what do you do for work?

-I do modelling.

-I can tell.

'What a save! This dude is sinking fast!'

He got called out twice for not being fancy-schmancy

and not going to Oxbridge College.

But then back on track with the modelling line. Kaboom!

-But she is a model.

-Exactly.

-I don't get it.

By it, do you mean women? What?

I'm a student at Liverpool. I'm doing a masters.

-In?

-In town planning.

That's an exciting subject if ever I heard one.

So if you were going to plan a town now,

and you got to choose the name, what would you go for?

'This is quite clearly a test of his mettle.'

If he gets it wrong, Lucie could hit the blow-out button. What's your advice?

When faced with this question, I usually go for one of these. Roll it.

How did you get the graphics guys to do that?

-We're regular mates now!

-Yeah?

Sure, OK. Here we go, guys, Greg's got an answer.

That's what you call it, right, mates? Mates?

Erm, Lucie-Town, that's got a nice ring to it.

Whoo! Yes!

Wow!

It's got a great ring to it, it's a great name. Mm-hm.

-What would you cook me?

-What would I cook you?

-Yeah.

-Oh, it's difficult. I don't know.

-Ten seconds.

There's time for sex twice then. Erm...

'So, Doyle, ten seconds, enough time for sex twice.'

-Risky strategy?

-It's what I call a classic innuendo attack.

I'll give you an example of how it works. Ask me a question.

-Er, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

-Tits. See?

-Ask me another one.

-Where are you going on holiday this year?

-Vagina!

It's bold but it doesn't always work.

OK, I understand he's still at it. Let's go back down and take a look.

-What's your favourite colour?

-Pussy.

-I thought I'd get a bigger bit than that.

-That's quite big.

-So I've been told. Cheers.

-No.

My mate went to the toilet and he was like,

"Oh, I hate you, Gaz, I hate you."

Even the class laughed and he was like, "No, I'm being deadly serious."

-'Uh-oh! Hand's going up!'

-What have I done to upset you?

-Yeah.

-'Oh, dear.'

-'Wait! No! Ohhh!'

-Oh, no! You've ruined me!

Goodness gracious me, our first blow-out button of the night.

And a strange quote, too! "You've ruined me."

Mm. She looked bored there, Doyle.

-Do you think referee Bentley will throw him out?

-I hope not.

I mean, I like this kid. He's a maverick.

-What seems to be the problem?

-Erm, he's just talking about himself all the time

and he looks like Chesney off Coronation Street.

I don't know who that is, but from the way you said that,

-he must look like a sissy.

-Yeah.

'Who is this Chesney and what in dating's name is Coronation Street?'

-I believe it's a soap opera. I think we have a picture.

-Urgh!

God! No wonder America doesn't buy your soaps!

She's right. He's out of here.

There's something about the way you look.

I don't know what's going on, man, but it's rubbing the lady the wrong way.

Move! Move, boy!

So Gary is our first casualty of the night, but he could be back,

although he will still be looking like Chesney.

11,390 points are in the bag for him.

-Hey, let's go and check on Bambi.

-Always.

-The furthest place I've been? I went to Jamaica.

-Oh, did you? When?

-I went May.

-It wasn't near Hedonism, was it?

-No, what's that?

-Hedonism, right, is a...

It's a big like resort in Jamaica

where everyone around the world goes and it's basically just a sex fest.

Erm...

Ooh. Bringing up a sex party during a first date, surely not a good idea.

No, but they are awesome! Check out last night's.

Oh, God.

-I quite like the material on that shirt, actually.

-Sure. I mean...

Do you mind if I have a feel of that, actually?

-You want to touch me?

-Just feel your shirt, yeah. Is that all right?

-I quite like that material.

-Yeah?

Feels like girlfriend material, actually.

Oh! Viewers, chat-up lines are like fireworks.

Use them wisely, else they'll go off in your face.

-I feel like Bentley's about to explode into Greg's.

-Mum?

You seem like a nice guy and I think you've got what it takes, but you need to get away,

-get your head together and come back stronger. I need you to hit the road.

-No problem.

-Good stuff.

Get out of the zone, man!

Our touchline reporter, the lovely Poppy Weathers, is with him now.

Greg, come join me.

So, er, bad chat-up lines

really couldn't fill those spaces, could they?

I think it was clear where I went wrong.

-Feels like girlfriend material, actually.

-HE LAUGHS

-Just go.

-HE LAUGHS

See, my cat, my cat's called Missy, I hate it, can't stand it.

-Aww!

-Honestly.

-What kind of cat is it?

It's like a pathet... It's like green and black.

-It's not even a...

-Did you just say...

Did you just say your cat is green and black?

No, it's like black and a dark green.

-So your cat...

-Mm-hm.

-..has green fur?

Dark green.

'Wow! Er, Doyle, have you ever seen anything like this?'

'I haven't. We could be seeing the birth of a legend here tonight.'

Hold that thought. Bambi has just played her heart-stopper.

This means the lady's not sure about the guy. She wants to test him.

Could be a physical challenge, could be a mental one.

OK, yeah. I'm being told it's the Language Of Love.

So Antonio must read her some romantic poetry.

You got one minute. All right, let's go.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

-My brother, keep hope alive, man!

-THEY LAUGH

-You did well. That deserves a high-five.

-I hate you.

-I hate you, too.

Thank you very much. Longest relationship?

-Three years.

-That's quite a long time.

-Mm.

I'd just like to say hello to, er, Becca's ex-boyfriend.

That was mean. I can't believe you just said that!

In keeping with his courting style all night, even I know he was committed dating suicide there.

Professionally, we call that daticide.

Why? Chris, why?

That was mean.

We meet again, young man.

Get your ass up!

'In honour of Chris's services to dating...'

-Keep it gangster, man.

-Yeah, stuff it!

-'..we've given him his very own violation.'

-Wow.

'Our touchline reporter, the lovely Poppy Weathers, is with him now.'

So you claim that ten seconds is enough time to have sex...

-Twice.

-Twice.

-Including foreplay.

-Do you know what? It's usually so short, I call it two-play.

-Wow.

Twice. Are you checking me out there?

-Yeah, I was, yeah.

-You're checking me out.

-You are beautiful.

-You were checking out Becca's bum.

-Yeah. Her arse is nowhere near as nice as yours.

Oh, he is good! He is on fire!

'We may have lost Chris, but here comes Gary again. Welcome back, G-spot!'

-Hello.

-How you doing, Becca?

-Good, thanks. Are you?

How you doing? You all right? So where are you from, then?

-From Bristol.

-From Bristol?

-Yeah.

-So you're not far from Cardiff at all, are you?

-No.

-So what do you do?

-Erm, I do modelling.

-Are you a model?

-Yeah. And some music videos.

-Oh, right.

-What sort of music videos have you been in?

-Erm...

-Thank you.

I've done, like, a video for Bluey Robinson,

MC Neat, MC Versatile, Skibadee.

-Scooby-Doo?

-Huh?

-Scooby-Doo?

-No. Skibadee.

-THEY LAUGH

-Who's that, then, sorry?

-Erm, he's like a garage artist.

Oh, right, yeah. What was one of Lil Wayne's favourites that he did?

You probably know.... If you said the name, I'd know it.

-I used to YouTube...

-Lollipop.

-Yeah, Lollipop. Did you like that?

-Yeah, I love that song.

-I used to love that.

# Licka, licka, licka, lick a lollipop

# Licka, licka, lick a lollipop

-HE LAUGHS

-That's all I know.

-Go on, then, you sing it.

-No!

-No? Say it out to me, then.

-It's not licka, licka, licka, lick a lollipop.

-Is it not?

-No!

-THEY LAUGH

-I thought it was!

-It's not. She l-l-l-licked me like a lollipop.

-Oh, right, is it?

-Yeah. She licked me like a lollipop.

Yeah.

Have you ever watched, erm, First 48?

-Uh-uh.

-Oh, mate, it is...

-Bambi? You're looking really nice.

-Thank you.

-So do you.

-What's the problem?

-It's just come to the end of the road, I'm afraid.

And he kept calling me mate.

Mate, I tell you what, right... Vodka, oh, mate... Mate, I tell you...

Come on, mate, you must have heard that. Oh, mate, it is amazing.

Here you are, Doyle. This is the ideal opportunity for a joke about too much mating.

Too much mating? There's no such thing!

Don't address a lady as mate. It's a verbal violation, man! You're out of here!

# That's not my name... 'Oh, Antonio, no, no, no!'

'It's not all bad news. He walks away with a whopping 37,920 points.'

Doyle, you know what this means, don't you?

No. Really?

Yeah!

# Cos I'm back on the streets again...

-Hi, Bambi, nice to meet you.

-Hello. Nice to meet you.

-Chris.

Aw. Thank you. What's your name, Chris?

-My brother's name's Chris.

-You can call me that or Thumper.

-Thumper. I had a rabbit called Thumper.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I had a rabbit called Thumper.

-Did you?

-No, not really.

-Oh.

-So, tell me about yourself.

-Well, I'm a promo girl.

-Cool.

-I get paid to party, that's my job.

-I would love a job like that.

-SHE LAUGHS

-It's really good.

-I would love a job like that.

-Yeah.

But I wear a bunny outfit, so would you love that, too?

I can't really talk right now. Yeah, no, of course I would.

-You'd like to be in a bunny outfit?

-I've worn worse.

-I've definitely dressed up as a woman before.

-Have you?

-As a joke.

-Yeah.

'Less than a minute in the zone

'and Chris is already admitting he's a cross-dresser. This guy's incredible!'

-I'm going to pull this out.

-'Yes! Yes!'

Right, time for you to man up.

I'm going to find out how sharp you are and how attentive you are. This is a Know Your Enemy test.

So, it's a Know Your Enemy. Talk us through it, Doyle.

Has Gary been paying attention? Bentley will ask him some questions about his date and Becca's listening,

-so every answer's crucial to his survival in the game.

-Do you think he'll do well?

-Hell, no!

Question one. What is the lovely lady's name?

-Are you kidding me, boy?

-No, no.

-What is the lovely lady's name, man?

It's, erm... Becca.

-What colour are her eyes?

-Brown, hazel.

-What is her bra size?

-I'll go with C, mate.

-That's the wrong answer, man! You should never think about a woman's bra size!

-Oh, sorry.

-Continue dating for now, man. All right?

-Thank you. Oh, gosh.

Oh. Oh. Gosh indeed. That was wincingly terrible.

-And yet he's still in the game. Watch and learn, Jamie.

-Hm. James. Jamie? Jamie's fine actually, yeah.

Antonio's been back in the date zone dating Lucie for a little while now, so let's listen in.

Are you into animals? Do you like animals?

My friend and me bought two hamsters, the little Chinese dwarf ones.

-One of them is missing a leg.

-How did that happen?

And the other one's balls are falling out of his arse.

What is this thing coming out of his other thing?

-How is that coming out, anyway?

-That is a good question.

-What does it look like?

-What does my hamster's balls look like?

What does it look like? You've got a hamster...

-OK, so you've got the hamster...

-Yeah.

..and then you've got the balls just hanging out in a little sack.

Does it rub along the floor all the time?

I don't know. Do you want to... go and talk to him about it,

-or...shall we move on?

-We should probably... Yeah. Probably.

-What is going on down there tonight?

-Jimmy, every man at some point or other

will come up against the old hamster-ass-ball conversation.

You got to have your answer down pat. I faced it in '92,

'95, twice in '97.

And, of course, '99. A man died that night.

-What do you mean, men don't...

-Shh.

I love staffies, but I do like a husky, as well, cos my best mate Brad had a husky.

-But the thing was...

-What noises do they make?

-Huskies?

-Yeah.

-If he wants attention, he goes kind of like...

-HE WHIMPERS

-Like that.

-He does what?

-HE WHIMPERS

-In front of you, like...

-HE WHIMPERS

-What does he do if he's angry?

-He'll just go...

-HE GROWLS

No, that would be it, wouldn't it? Cos I've seen him do it before.

-He gets his teeth out, like, his front teeth and he'll just go...

-HE GROWLS

-Kind of like a wolf would, you know? Have you seen the films with wolves?

-Mm.

-Kind of like that.

So, er, perfect man? Tell me about him.

See, I go for, like, bad guys.

-I've always had a thing for Davina McCall.

-Really?

-I think she's hot.

-Definitely could.

-I've dressed up as an ice cream before.

-An ice cream?

-Mm-hm.

-I'd like to lick.

-SHE LAUGHS

-No, no, no, no!

-Oh, you're so funny. Oh.

'How can you not love this guy and his ridiculous plays?

'He pleaded with her not to press the blow-out button, but she went for it.

No, no, no, no!

Bambi, beautiful, come over here and talk to me for a second.

-How you doing?

-I'm good, thanks.

-What's the problem?

Basically, I said I've dressed up as an ice cream before

and he said he wanted to lick me.

-It just seems a bit like forced conversation.

-Right.

All right, sweetie, come on, let's sort this out.

-All right, buddy, we meet again.

-We certainly do.

When you're with a pretty lady like this, you got to think two steps ahead

and don't let the conversation dry up. Now get your ass up!

See you later, baby.

'Fortune favours the brave, but not Chris.

'Live strong, you strange little British man.'

Have you seen any of the other girls around here that you think are quite nice?

Erm, the other one.

Yeah, I think she looks all right, like.

No. Don't do that! Oh, no!

'No!'

Bingo! She baited the trap and he bit!

Never admit to liking another lady, even if you do, which you will, but you definitely shouldn't.

OK, let's see what Bentley makes of all this.

All right, young man, we meet again for the third time.

-Oh, goody.

-This time you just took an invisible double barrel

-and shot yourself in the foot, man.

-Mm-hm.

You like the look of someone else? This is not enough for you?

-No, no, that was...

-Get out of town, man! Get out of town!

-I'm going, mate.

He's on down the road, man.

So Chesney lookalike and husky impersonator Gary is on his way again.

And the delectable Poppy Weathers is waiting.

-Gary, Gary, Gary.

-Hello, sweetheart.

Hello. It was all going so well with Becca!

-Yeah. I was enjoying it, I was.

-Yeah.

You literally had one hand on the prize.

And by prize, I mean fanny.

But then, you know, you ballsed it up.

She looks all right, like.

Oh, no.

Get on out there and do your thing.

-I'll do you well, promise.

-Do me well.

-HE LAUGHS

Gary has got little chance of clinching the win here in the dying few moments of dating.

I'll tell you who's got a chance of clinching this...whatever you said. It's Greg!

-Win. I said win.

-Didn't sound like that.

Here's what it sounded like. HE JABBERS

Where do you tend to go on holiday? Do you have anywhere in particular...

-I love America.

-Yeah, I was there this summer and I could so easily live out there.

-I think it's just such a...

-Where did you go?

-It was three and a half weeks

-and we did ten days in Miami.

-Ohh, yeah.

-What was that noise?

-It's an orgasm, Jimmy!

We had our first female climax in UK WSOD. This is a proud, proud moment!

-Those are real?

-Jay-jitsu, come on!

Having taken millions of women around the world to the moment of bliss,

I think I should know what I'm talking about. Boys, hit the replay!

Ohh, yeah.

That's not a nice sound.

HE LAUGHS It's the greatest sound on earth.

'But for every climax, there is an anti-climax, and tonight there were two, in the form of Ian...

-What kind of girl would you be?

-A slag. No, I'm kidding. I wouldn't be.

-'..and Ricky.'

-How do you like your eggs in the morning?

-Scrambled.

-I was talking about the song.

So was I.

-'Yikes. Those really were their best bits. Quite remarkable.'

-KLAXON BLARES

'And it's all over!'

Yes, indeed, that noise means it is the end of dating.

It is now time to crown the winner. Over to referee Bentley.

Throughout my career, I've had the honour and the privilege

to preside over some of the greatest dating sessions in history.

That, gentlemen, was not one of them.

No. But...we've got to name a winner.

It's in the rules. And that winner is...

-..Greg!

-APPLAUSE

'There is it. Confirmation that Greg is tonight's winner

'with 59,400 points.

'Antonio is in second place and Chris, despite all his efforts,

-'comes in third.'

-'I loved that crazy little guy.'

'Yeah, I know you did, Doyle.

'Time now for a final thought from you.'

Hey. What have we learned tonight?

Men, at some point in your dating careers, you will face the hamster-ass-ball conundrum.

Learn from what you've seen tonight. Be ready, be vigilant. Go forth and conquer.

And ladies, we learned that the men of Britain look and act weird.

-I'm not weird.

-You're the weirdest.

Until next time, date strong, date fast, date tight.

From me, Doyle McManus, good night.

And from me, James Chetwyn-Talbot, good night.

HE HUMS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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