Episode 2 World Series of Dating

Hello and welcome to

the first-ever British season of the World Series of Dating.

I am the BBC's James Chetwyn-Talbot,

and with me, all the way from the USA,

is five times WSOD champion, Doyle McManus.

Thrilled to be here. Hello, England!

It's the United Kingdom.

So, Doyle, we're about to see real British people competitively date.

You and I are here to commentate on the action as it unfolds,

a little bit like Andy Grey and Richard Keys, only less sexist.

Can't promise anything.

Take us through the rules.

The World Series of Dating sees

seduction, sport and supper smashed into each other.

In each heat, four guys enter the datezone

and their mission is to date the lady for as long as they can,

each second at the table earning him ten points.

-Do you like transport?

-Nobody has really asked me that question before.

These guys need to be at the top of the dating game,

because if these girls are left cold,

they'll hit the blowout button.

Oh, my God! You'll die!

Legendary WSOD referee Bentley will make a judgement call on the date.

For minor dating errors, the guy may get another chance, but if a dating violation has occurred...

That's a Cleveland violation, man!

-..the guy is off the table.

-Go ahead, man!

The winner is the guy who lasted the longest.

The battle to become

the UK's greatest living dater has begun. Yeah!

Those are the rules.

Let's meet the four fearsome ladies

who'll be out there in the datezone tonight.

Louiza is 23 and from Leicester.

I believe you misread that. She is from Lie-ces-ter.

Leicester! She likes men who go to the gym.

I'm in the gym all the time. It's a great place to pick up women.

Just bait the hook with a tight pair of cycle shorts

and you'll get a nibble.

That's my cue to move on to Robyn.

She's a media sales executive.

She's 27, describes herself as impatient, and she's from Preston.

And you know what they say about Northern women.

-No, what?

-Do they put out more?

No! They're friendly! Great. That'll get in complaints.

Third girl tonight is 20-year-old Laura, from Norfolk.

She wants a man to be well groomed, athletic and a fan of football.

What? Like, soccer?

Then I'm afraid the kind of guy she's into isn't into chicks.

Finally tonight, it's 23-year-old Bambi from Birmingham.

I once dated a girl called Bambi.

-She was like the one in the film.

-I see where you're going.

-Was she bad at ice skating?

-No, her mum was shot by hunters.

And that's our girls!

Let's go down to the datezone

and meet the first four boys who'll fight it out tonight.

First out of the blocks, it's Chris. A 21-year-old student from Glasgow.

Chris's best chat-up line is,

"Did you just fart? Because you blew me away."

Wow! That's beautiful, man.

Second out, it's Jonny from Hampshire.

If confidence was chocolate, he'd eat himself.

-How does that work as a metaphor?

-A meta-what?

Next up is 20-year-old Marcus from Woking. Just look at that hair!

That is the hair of a champion, right there. Strong, long and full of product.

Finally, kissing his muscles and dusting off the dandruff,

it's Scottish joiner, Gary.

I really love a man who is good with his hands. Know what I'm talking about?

Absolutely know what you're talking about. You cannot underestimate the value of good DIY skills.

And there he is!

GUNSHOTS FIRE

The judge, jury and date executioner himself. It is referee Bentley.

Greetings, gladiators. Welcome to my arena. You're in my world now.

I see before me a fine example of prime British beef.

Ready to do battle in the noble and ancient art of dating.

All right, fellas, lock it in!

Lock it in.

Who's going to make me proud?

ALL: We are!

Start dating, man!

-Hi there.

-Hi.

-I'm so happy I got you. Let's put it that way.

-You are stunning. You're beautiful.

-Thanks.

-I'm Jonny, by the way.

-Jonny?

-All right to give you a kiss on the cheek?

-That's a bit too much.

-That's fine. That's fine.

-Yeah. Control yourself over there.

-I'm in control!

Uh-ho! Louiza has come out swinging tonight.

-So then, yes, I'm Marcus.

-Laura. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, so, how...

-It's all right.

-I'm really quite bad with nerves and stuff, but...

Erm...

-I like your jumper, by the way.

-Cheers. It's, er...

It's from River Island. If I'm allowed to say that.

-It's nice.

-Yeah. I like your dress.

-Thank you.

-Kind of revealing!

Oh! Poor chap! He's really got the nerves there.

Come on! That's a deliberate move. The shy guy.

Hugh Grant built his entire career on that strategy.

Chicks go nuts for it.

I'm not sure "chicks" is the right word.

He shouldn't be nervous. He's good-looking.

Yeah, well, clearly Laura is impressed that

Marcus imports his clothes from an island. Exotic!

Oh, you've been to Jamaica? Wow!

It's funny you should say that, because you're Ja-maic-ing me crazy!

-You heard that one before?

-Yeah, but I like how you got that in.

That's so funny.

I'll probably just stay away from the child play.

Yeah. It was good. It was worth a shot.

Chris's chat-up line was about as convincing as his toupee.

I think it's actually a hairstyle

-that is trendy with the kids these days.

-Well, it shouldn't be.

Boys, bring in the WS0D tele-strater.

Chris needs to commit to a hairstyle.

He's either got too much hair here or not enough here,

but he should never go with one of these.

No-one likes a Charlie Chaplain. Hitler even less.

OK. Moving on.

-You into football?

-I love football.

-What team do you support?

-Rangers. I like Man City as well.

Oh, no!

Well, a very early press of the blowout button there.

I think I should probably step in here and explain to you, Doyle.

Do you know what Man City is?

Sure do. It's San Francisco's finest gay bar. Hello, Maurice.

Let's see how Bentley calls this one.

All right, young man. Here's the deal.

During my short time in the UK,

I've noticed that a Man City fan and a Man United fan is a big problem.

So, clearly, you ain't got no future here, man.

I'm going to need you to raise up.

And I'm going to need you to hit the road.

Go on now! Get!

Specially created for the UK,

it's a Petty Tribalism Violation.

Gary's short time at the table means he won't score many points.

However, he could be back in the datezone,

but for now, he is with our touchline reporter,

the effervescent, if I may say so, Poppy Weathers.

Tell me about it. Football?

Mmm. It went all right,

and then I remembered she said she was from Manchester.

I just came out and said I like Manchester city.

And she likes Man U.

It's never going to happen.

SHE LAUGHS

Like Romeo and Juliet.

Chillies and noshing.

It can never be.

Got any pets?

Yeah, I got a little dog. I love her. Her name's Foxy.

-Yeah?

-Little foxy dog.

-Yeah?

-How about you?

-I had a hamster, but sadly no longer.

-Aw!

-What was your hamster's name?

-Glen. Wee Glen the hamster.

It's always more sad, eh?

Glen. That's so cute.

Brings back memories. Move on quickly!

Oh, nice play! Using a dead pet to get sympathy.

With Gary gone, it's time for a new guy in the datezone. Let's meet him.

This is Kevin.

He's 26 and he's called Kevin.

I'm not great at these interjunctions.

Why don't you take over, Jimbo?

James! It's too late anyway, he's reached the table.

-Hi, how are you doing?

-Hi. Good, thank you.

-What's your name?

-Robyn.

-Pleased to meet you. I'm Kevin.

-Nice to meet you.

-Whereabouts are you from?

-Preston, in Lancashire.

-Preston?

-What is it you do with yourself?

-I work in sales.

-Ah!

-What about you?

-I'm a personal trainer.

-Ah!

I need a personal trainer in my life.

Do you enjoy working out, yeah?

No, but I think a personal trainer would be good,

to have someone helping you work out

and someone to get sweaty with.

That's quite a bold statement there!

-It is a bold statement.

-It's good.

I like his tan. I didn't know they had sun in Britain.

Only in certain shops.

Let's check in on nervous Marcus.

Online gaming, that's another thing I do.

Really? What games do you play?

-World of Warcraft.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

-The same!

-You play?

-Yeah.

-Oh, my God! What do you play?

-No way. No way. That's mental!

-What do you play?

-You've proper excited me now.

-Gnome rogue.

-Gnome rogue?

I used to be a Troll rogue, and now I'm a Blood Elf Priest.

-Are you, like, 85?

-Obviously.

-Do you raid?

-I go on the Orc runs with my guild.

-Cool!

-I haven't got time.

-Yeah.

I was actually, while I was at college, this sounds big-headed,

but I was in one of the top guilds.

-Do you know Method?

-Yeah. You were in Method?

-Yeah.

-Oh, my God! Always been a Rogue?

-Yeah.

-Erm, no actually. I played DK in Method.

-What server were they on?

They were on Silvanus but they moved to Axavius...

-As if you were in Method!

-Yeah.

-What the hell is that all about?

-Uh...no idea.

That may have been the dreariest conversation

-in the WSOD's proud 40-year history.

-Yes. Very weird.

Strange.

Let's get back to dating.

-How tall are you?

-Five foot seven.

-Don't buzz me. Don't buzz me.

-How are you going to stop me buzzing you?

-Because you've not heard more. Just...

-But you're too short.

-No, no, no.

That doesn't mean you need to buzz me. That's a bit unfair.

DO NOT PRESS THE BUTTON!

-WOW! This guy is desperate.

-Yeah, to win. Awesome!

I like your little accent, though.

-Well, I'm from daahn saahth.

-But you're very like, "Oh, well..."

-I know.

-No, it's nice.

I get that quite a lot.

-Were you nervous before you came on here?

-I'm not loving those eating habits. What was that?

-Oh, yeah. Sorry.

-With the accent, I would have thought you maybe would have had better table manners.

You're right. I should do.

I'm in a different environment than usual, so I've...

You're a bit under pressure?

-A bit under pressure. A little bit.

-Go on then, sell yourself to me.

Sell myself. Right...

Erm...

Well, I'm quite tall, brown hair.

-I'm sorry.

-Go for it.

-Yeah.

-That's fine.

BUZZER

Can I talk to you for a second?

Erm...he's just a bit of a wet fish. Do you know what I mean?

And I can't get past his shirt.

It's like he's wearing his pyjamas.

OK. All right. Come with me.

All right, buddy. It's the end of the line.

So, get up and take a walk.

I know you can move faster than that, man!

Half wet fish, half pyjama top.

A Can't Put My Finger On It offence.

Jonny's a gonny.

Well, he lasted long enough to score 23,640 points,

-but what went wrong there, Doyle?

-Well, I have two notes.

One, when asked to sell yourself by the lady, go with more than your hair colour.

-Mm, perhaps listing your hobbies?

-No! Not that.

Two, control your woman.

Kevin says, "Do not press the buzzer," and the buzzer isn't pressed.

Jonny says, "Go for it," and Louiza presses the button!

-I want to see if you can... I want to see your rhythm, definitely.

-Arse wiggle?

Yeah, I want you to turn around and, like, give me a little... either shimmy or a...

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle?

Yeah. See if you can do a little Beyonce shake.

-You're mean. I love it!

-It kind of turns you on, I think.

-Do you want me to do it here?

-Just there.

-There?

-Right. Tell me when.

-I'm ready.

-Do you want a feel?

-It's hard! It is! That's good.

You're crazy! I love it. No, I love it. I love that you're confident.

But you're not arrogant, so that's good.

Well, this guy is good.

I think we could be looking at tonight's winner.

You know, JJ, steely buns are

an important part of the dater's armoury.

Mine were, and still are, like rocks.

Can I ask, how do you maintain them?

Very simple. Electrodes. One in each cheek.

A simple press of this button and the muscles contract

and it's, "Hello, solid buns!" Try.

They're still in there.

FART

-That's one of the side effects. Sorry about that.

-What is that smell? Is that burning hair?

Yeah, that's one of the other side effects.

-I do that about 200 times a day.

-Take it back.

-Thank you.

FARTS

-No, no.

-That's the stuff! Oh, yeah!

Go for it! Do it! Be a winner. Be a winner!

AH! OK.

Whooh! Ha ha!

Who's ready to play?

-Your ring goes with your earrings as well.

-Yeah.

-Triangles all round.

-Yeah. Thank you.

Your watch is nice, too.

-Thanks very much. My grandpa gave it to me.

-Oh, that's lovely.

-Cheers.

-Really lovely. But...

I'm really sorry, but...

BUZZER

Can you speak to me for a second, please?

How are you doing, sweetheart?

I tried to give him a chance, but I just wasn't impressed. OK?

All right, buddy. Here's the situation.

I like you.

Unfortunately, with a lady like Bambi,

you've got to keep her engaged.

So what I need you to do is just take a walk

-and come back up and try again.

-Will do.

-All right?

Oh, that's a Shania Violation.

Man, he felt like a woman?

No! He don't impress her much.

Oh, yeah. Of course. Still, he's been at her a while,

so he's racked up a few points.

If he'd been more decisive about his haircut, I think he'd have scored more.

Speaking of noteworthy hair, let's check in on Marcus.

BUZZER

All right, bud. Here's the deal.

That's a real great look, and I think you've got some potential, OK?

Get some confidence and come on back, all right? Now go ahead.

I'm a big fan of yours, man.

Well, that is a Words Don't Come Easy Violation.

Almost a mercy killing there.

Sensitively handled by Referee Bentley.

He's sensitive as a referee.

And as a lover.

OK. Poppy is with Marcus.

-You two bonded, didn't you?

-Yeah.

-Over World of Warcraft?

-Yeah, that was actually really weird.

-Why?

Because I don't actually meet any girls that play it,

and the girls that do play it are usually quite bad.

That has been around for a while, though, hasn't it?

-Yeah, a few years.

-I used to play it myself.

-Yeah, sure!

-But, you know. Yeah, I did!

Yeah, my wizard sleeve used to see quite a lot of action in the '80s.

Not so much now. Sadly.

Let's pick up the action as blue-blooded Jonny prepares to

nosh down with Norfolk nymphet Laura.

-Hi there, Laura.

-Hiya.

-It's lovely to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you too.

-Can I say how lovely you look tonight?

-Thank you.

Jonny. Lovely to meet you.

Can I give you a kiss on the cheek?

You can do whatever you please.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah!

-Hi. Jonny. Lovely to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

Yeah. Excellent. So, um, are you at university?

-What are you doing with yourself?

-Yeah, I'm studying maths.

-You are clever. Maths. Good shout.

-What are you doing?

I'm no mathematician, let's put it that way.

-What is that? That's not cool.

-That is awkward, isn't it?

-That was awful. Can't believe I just did that.

-In fact...

OK, here we are. The first heartstopper of the night.

If the lady is uncertain about her man, she can invoke the heartstopper.

-Basically, it's either a physical or verbal challenge designed to test the male daters.

-That's right.

And this is the Silver-tongued Sonata,

which means that Jonny must now improvise

a romantic poem for his date, Laura.

One of the tougher challenges normally reserved for the pros.

Let's see what you've got.

Right. Erm...

I'm talking about love here, aren't I?

Erm...

You are as beautiful as a rose petal

that has fallen from the sky, from heaven.

Like an angel has popped into my hand,

and I am peeling away how beautiful you are.

The love that just comes

from your beautiful brown eyes is just shining.

It's just so lovely, and the fact that you look at me now

and I'm here with you... I'm saving this moment,

I am cherishing this moment.

Stop!

That was some good stuff, man. That was Gary Barlow-esque, man.

-Continue dating.

-He's my hero.

-I'm impressed, actually. I am impressed.

-Whoa!

Now I am unimpressed!

You need something new to say, because I'm getting a bit tired.

-You're getting tired?

-Yes.

What do you want to talk about?

-What do you want to talk about?

-Mm...

Robyn, princess, can you walk to the centre?

How are you doing?

He's been with me a while now,

and he's done his best, but it's time to go.

All right.

-Hi, bud.

-All right.

-A man with a nice tan. Beautiful teeth and nice smile.

-Thank you.

Move!

Move, boy!

Well, he ran dry after just over an hour at the table,

but with 36,440 points scored,

Kevin is at the top of the leader board as things stand.

-What colour pants are you wearing?

-You actually just asked me that?

I'm joking!

You'd better... You were joking?

Of course I was. You couldn't be wearing a bra

with that top, could you?

Come on! If you saw me in a bar, you would.

You want me to be brutally honest?

-Yeah.

-I've had thrush less painful than this.

-I'm not even joking.

-You've actually had thrush?!

That's disgusting. I want out now!

-I really want to buzz you because you're such an arsehole.

-I'm not an arsehole!

-Why have you got that impression? I'm not.

-That's the impression you've given me!

-You've just told me you've got thrush!

-I didn't say I've got thrush. Oh, my God!

Whatever Jonny is doing out there is weird, but it's working.

The mahogany owl swoops silently into the datezone once again.

-Hi, how are you?

-Are you OK?

-I'm not bad.

-Good.

-What's your name?

-Kevin. What's your name?

-Bambi.

-That's a unique name.

-Where are you from, Bambi?

-Birmingham.

-Birmingham?

-Birming-gum.

So what do you do with yourself, Bambi?

-I'm a promo girl.

-Promo girl! Do you enjoy it?

-Love it. Yeah. How about you?

-I'm a personal trainer.

-Oh, that's good.

-Do you use the gym yourself?

-No.

-No?

-No.

-I suppose you don't really need it, to be fair.

-Ah! Yes, I do.

-A bit of a jelly belly.

-Have you got a jelly belly?

Another strong start from Kevin. All-out attack.

Absolutely. Tell the girl she's not fat. Great play.

I reckon I can impress you.

-You have to close your eyes, though.

-God! No! I'm dreading...

OK. If you promise me...

..there's not going to be any involvement with my mouth!

-No, there won't be.

-OK.

-Close your eyes.

Oh, you...!

-Yes, yes, yes!

-Oh, you...

BUZZER

NO!

Laura.

He told me to close my eyes. He was going to surprise me and impress me and he put food on my face.

All right. I've seen that. Come on, sweetie. That's totally unacceptable. Calm down.

-Can I punch him?

-No, no. Calm down, sweetie.

All right, bud. Now you don't cross the line. Get your ass up!

I'm going to tell you what, man.

If you don't move fast enough, last you're going to see is the back of my hand, man.

Bentley upset there and rightly so.

That's not really acceptable on a first date, is it?

-Putting custard on a girl's face!

-Not always true.

Stick your nose up your ass man, and blow it real hard until the pressure equalizes.

Jonny. Oh, Jonny.

Now, I have had some things put on my face on a first date.

Believe me, it is a wonder I haven't gone blind in at least one eye.

But custard! What were you thinking?

-I'm not doing that on the first date again.

-You misread the signals then?

Big signals. Misread a lot of signals there. Not happy, was she?

And a new boy has just entered the arena.

His name is Jed. He is a student. He's 19.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-How you doing? Nice to meet you.

-OK.

-Enjoying it so far?

-Yeah.

-Slightly.

-What's your name?

-Jed.

-Jed?

-Jed.

-Like Jedward.

Like...

Jedi.

-What sort of music do you like?

-R&B.

Are you a good... Cut the shapes and stuff?

Yeah! Yeah. What's your best move?

-I like to grind.

-Do you? Ooh!

I've got a grinding side to me!

Oh, ho ho! I'd like to see you grind.

Doyle, what exactly is grinding?

Well, it's easier to show you then to tell you.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, yeah!

-Please!

-Ungh!

-Oh, no! OK. Please stop.

HE GRUNTS

OK. I see what grinding is. OK. Oh, God! Please!

LOUD GRUNTING

So, sell yourself to me.

Er... OK.

I'm kind of smart-ish. Uh, er...

I get Bs.

Right. But that's not an A, is it?

What else can I sell myself on? You tell me. Sorry...

-A DJ!

-I'm sorry, Jed.

-Oh, no!

BUZZER

-SLOW MOTION:

-Sell yourself to me.

I get Bs.

All right, buddy, you're sitting at this table with one of the finest Britain has to offer.

-You can't last the pace, man.

-No.

Get your ass out of here!

That's a Yawn Star Violation. Good, quick, clean exit, that one.

Don't go crying to your momma now.

Wait! Jonny is entering the datezone and he's heading back to Louiza's table. Again!

It's a first for the UK game.

Hi there. I don't think we've met. I'm Jonny.

-Not you again!

-Lovely to meet you. It's Louiza, isn't it?

-Why are you pretending like you don't know me?!

-I'm joking.

-Are you trying to go on your second take?

I've been given a second chance.

Yeah, you've been given a lifeline.

-I thought, "Let's start in a better way that we left from off last time."

-OK.

A big bang.

-But how have you been since I last saw you?

-Good.

-Is that tea or coffee you're going for?

-Tea.

-You must be pretty drunk now after those four glasses of wine.

-I'm hammered.

-You're hammered!

what would you say your best feature is?

Erm...

My body, probably. Abs maybe.

Yeah, you need to show me then. You can't... Just do it.

You're so funny.

Oh, that is good. Let me feel.

Yeah, they're hard.

BUZZER

And that sound means it is the end of dating and not before time. Bambi's hands were all over Kevin's abs.

-Kevin's got magnificent abs to go with his buns of steel. Where is that button?

-It's been hidden.

Let's go to Bentley for the announcement of tonight's winner.

All right, fellas. This is a proud country, rich in history and tradition.

I admire your monarchy and your sense of fair play.

And I've also been watching Eastenders. I quite like that.

But I feel tonight, you men let your country down, man.

Man, I witnessed was some lame-ass dating out there.

However, there was one of you who got his groove on tonight.

Tonight's winner is...

..Kevin!

YES!

Yes! Yes! Get in, yes!

-SLOW MOTION:

-Don't buzz me. Don't buzz me.

There it is in black AND white. You can't argue with the stats.

Kevin tops the leaderboard with 50,800 points

thanks to his taut body and his begging girls not to buzz him.

Doyle, what are your thoughts on tonight's dating?

Let's face it, Britain, it's always weird down there

in the dating zone, but tonight it was especially weird.

-BREAKING WIND NOISE

-Strange hair choices, throwing custard in the lady's face?

Discussing what kind of guild your warlock is in, and thrush.

BREAKING WIND NOISE Most importantly, we learned that if you dominate the datezone enough,

even men who look like mahogany owls can win in the game we call love.

BREAKING WIND NOISE

Too wit, to woo. Stay strong, Britain.

CONSTANT BREAKING WIND NOISE

Oh-ho! It burns. It burns. AH!

-That last one was good.

-I'm done!

-OK.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd