Episode 3 World Series of Dating

The use of fruit actually makes it healthy.

Hello and welcome to the World Series of Dating,

I'm James Chetwyn-Talbot.

And I'm Doyle McManus, five-times World Series of Dating champion.

Retired now, but I love the game.

Yes, Doyle is here to give us expert insight and analysis

into the world of competitive dating

in this, the inaugural UK season.

I've got to tell you,

I've been mightily impressed by some of the dating I have seen

in these ancient islands as I spectate on the amateur circuit.

Just regular daters, going at it hard in your nation's bars,

restaurants, movie theatres and public toilets.

But back to the World Series, here's the low down.

The World Series of Dating sees seduction,

sport and suppers smashed into each other.

Kaboom!

In each heat, four guys enter the date zone

and their mission is to date the lady for as long as they can,

each second at the table earning him 10 points.

-If you wanted to have sex with me, that's fine.

-You're such an asshole!

These guys need to be at the top of the dating game

because if these girls are left cold, they will hit the blow-out button.

Naughty!

Legendary WSOD referee Bentley will make a judgment call on the date.

For minor dating errors, the guy may get another chance

but if a dating violation has occurred.

-That's a grievous violation, man!

-The guy is off the table.

The winner is the guy who lasted the longest.

The battle to become UK's greatest living dater has begun.

-Oh yeah!

-Oh yes.

Here are the four rather intimidating ladies

who will be grilling our boys in the date zone tonight.

Oh yeah.

First up we have Robyn.

This Preston Princess is 27 years old, 5ft 10,

and she likes tall men.

Her ideal man being Jason Statham, who's actually 5ft 9.

Ah, Jay-Stam, the thinking woman's Vin Diesel.

This chick probably likes those, em, what do you call them, books.

Next up we have Marisa, I met her earlier, she's very imposing.

-She gave him an asthma attack!

-I'm allergic to perfume.

-Whatever!

There's a technique for these wild ones.

It's like facing a charging rhino.

You've got to meet its gaze, punch it in the nuts

and stick your finger in its blowhole to suffocate it.

This is basic stuff.

OK, here's Bambi.

She's from Birmingham

and this little deer has blonde hair and big eyes

but does not have hooves.

Finally here is Lucie.

Our steamy student nutritionist.

This one's a man eater and man, would I like to be served up on that plate!

Those are our ladies so let's go down to the date zone

as I hear the first four boys are raring to go.

First up, here's Tom, a lettings negotiator from Richmond.

Boring!

But that is a bold, confident walk.

The boy is focused and I like it.

Next up is Chris. He's from Barry in South Wales.

That is the proud mane of a dating lion.

And the gallop of man ready to pounce on his prey.

-Oh, this boy is pumped up.

-Yes he is.

The third act tonight is car salesman, Rick.

16 horsepower of passion,

looking for one careful lady owner...

That was lovely and very clean.

..with two fully inflated airbags!

Back in the room.

Oh, hello, who's this?

Respecting the date zone with a natty blazer

is Michael from Newcastle upon Tyne.

Sharp, I like it. This guy looks like

he knows something about womankind.

Let's hope so for his sake

because here comes the muscular mountain of mediation

that is referee, Bentley.

-He looks focused tonight, Jay-Way.

-Yes he does. It's James.

Gentlemen, welcome to the World Series of Dating.

I'm your referee, Bentley, and this is my kingdom.

You will show it, and the ladies that dwell in it,

courtesy and due respect.

I want good, clean dates.

Make me and men all around the world really proud.

All right, gentleman, approach your ladies and commence dating.

Here we go. Let's get dating.

-Hi, my name's Tom.

-I'm Robyn.

-Robyn, nice to meet you, how are you doing?

-I'm very well, thank you.

-How old are you?

-I'm 23, how old are you?

-27.

-27? That's not too bad.

-You're my toy boy!

-Yeah? That would be awesome!

I could go with that, definitely!

'A strong start there from Tom,

'the classic "butter wouldn't melt" opener.'

-Hi.

-Michael, what's your name?

-Lucie.

-Nice to meet you.

It's just there.

-How are you?

-Nervous. How are you?

-Brilliant, thanks.

-Where are you from?

-Oxfordshire. What you do?

Day job, I'm a consultant for Apple.

And I manage a nightclub in Newcastle.

-Right.

-Do you go out a lot?

I quite like your accent, it's doing well for you.

I like Southern accents, there's something about it,

that London twang, it's really good.

-So, would you like a drink?

-Oh, yeah, lovely.

-What would you like to drink?

-I'm a water lass, myself.

Can I get a waiter please?

WIND BLOWS

-Bad service in this place, don't you think?

-Terrible.

What's your favourite ice cream?

Mint, I think.

Mint's good. I like strawberry.

I like a mixture, you know the ones

with vanilla and chocolate and strawberry.

Me and my ex had an argument. I was like...

Oh, that's not good.

That is weak, weak!

-Are you all right?

-Good, thanks.

-What do you do?

-I'm a sales manager.

What do you sell?

-I work for a leisure company in London.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I'm a car salesman.

-Are you?

-You've got lovely teeth, by the way, they're really white.

-Thanks.

-Do you have them whitened?

-No.

HOOTER

Oh, sorry!

Oh, that is unbelievable, Marisa has hit her blow out button.

Less than a minute in there. Doyle, that can't be good, right?

What kind of datesman opens with asking a lady if she's had work done?

I'll tell you what kind, the crappy kind, this man is a write-off.

-Or you could say white-off.

-Why?

Because he said something about teeth. It doesn't matter.

Referee, Bentley, is in place.

Let's go over now to hear his judgment.

All right, young man. We've got a situation.

You're making lame conversation.

For you, my friend, it's the end of the line.

Take a walk, man, get out of town!

# I can't smile without you... #

That is an offence offence. Rick is gone.

Welcome to the dating hall of shame, Dickie. Let's check-in on Lucie.

-This waiter's taking a while.

-I know, it's ridiculous.

Can I get the waiter, please?

Brilliant. So what have you got for me? What else have you got for me?

-Hopefully some food. What do you like to eat?

-I'm a vegetarian.

-Really?

-How do you feel about that?

-So you wouldn't like my favourite meal.

-What's that?

-Turkey dinosaurs, potato smilies and alphabetti spaghetti.

HOOTER

These ladies are in a mean mood tonight.

What's the problem?

-Quite frankly, I think he's got an attitude problem.

-Really?

-Mm-hmm.

-OK.

-He hasn't learned from his mistakes.

-You don't need that.

We're going to take care of that, OK? Come on, let's go.

His gag about British cuisine has not gone down well. He is gone.

All right, get your ass up. Get out of here, man!

I need you to walk faster now.

You don't often see that violation

but do not mess with the vegetarians, man.

-They will literally chew you up and spit you out.

-Yes, they will.

-That's because they're vegetarian.

-What is?

Touchline reporter Poppy Weathers is waiting for Michael now.

-Come on in, Michael.

-Hello, Poppy.

-Tell me about it.

She just didn't enjoy it whatsoever. No smirk, no laugh. She buzzed me.

Turkey dinosaurs, potato smilies and alphabetti spaghetti.

-Picky, picky Lucie.

-Not my best date ever.

Get out of my sight. Do better next time. What a bad dater.

-There's always something to do.

-Oh, that's good.

-I like to say I live in the posh end of Barry.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

10 minutes away from the airport, five minutes away from a little park.

I used to take my ex down there, we'd walk down there,

the sun would shine through the green leaves. We'd walk with each other and just be happy.

-Aw, was you together long?

-Five-and-a-half years.

-Gosh, that's long.

-I know.

-I kind of wasn't happy the way I broke up with her either.

-Really?

Aww...

-I know.

-That's awful!

-I know.

-Don't...

-I have to. That's bad.

-HOOTER

You could never finish with a girl over the phone.

I think someone just committed dateacide.

That could be three boys gone already.

Bambi, sweetheart, come over here for a second.

He was talking about his ex and he finished with her over the phone.

-He was talking about his what?

-His ex.

-I'll take care of the situation.

All right, buddy. You're in violation. You know that, right?

Conversation about the ex? Don't say nothing, don't say nothing.

You're out of here, man, take a walk!

X-rated conversation. Rookie error!

That kind of chat has to stay in the WSOD men's locker room.

NEVER talk about your ex. But never ever admit to dumping her by phone.

Even though it's the only way to do it. Am I right, guys? Huh?

I know this guy knows what I'm talking about.

Then forward like that, then back.

I can't believe you're doing it upside-down. That's really funny.

You're really nice. You're nothing like I expected.

-Oh, look at you. Stop it.

-You are!

-Stop it.

-You're gorgeous.

Yeah, you are, definitely.

I'm ready to kind of find someone who interests me like you,

and like, you know, just kind of nice, just a nice person,

just like a genuinely nice person. So, yeah,

what did your last boyfriend look like?

I tend to go for a similar type, which is always like a skinhead,

like no hair, quite tall, and kind of dark eyes,

so like opposite to you! Ha-ha!

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

But then you can always try someone who's not your type.

-See where that lands.

-This looks really good, actually.

-I think it's got coriander in it as well, you know.

-I think you should blow on my soup for me.

-Yeah?

-Do you want me to eat it as well?

-No!

I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

-Not too bad, not too bad.

-I wonder if they have a chef for this.

'Oh, this guy's good. I mean, this guy is good.

'He opened with the "butter wouldn't melt", and what we've just seen there are two more great plays.'

-Jay, your thoughts?

-Well, coriander can be quite overpowering as a flavour.

I think I've got a daughter named Coriander. Ha-ha! Ah.

Anyway, he pretends to be interested in the woman, which is classic,

and then when things looked a bit rocky, he steered the conversation

away from the danger towards the relative safety of soup.

If anything, I'd sprinkle a bit on top

rather than involve it as a key ingredient, because... Sorry.

Yeah, sadly, that conversation will never be finished.

We have a new guy coming into the Date Zone.

-This is Michael from London. He likes to play chess.

-Chest?

I love to play chest.

-Hey, Marisa.

-Hello.

-I'm Michael.

-Nice to meet you, Michael.

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm OK. How are you?

-Not bad, thanks.

-How has your evening been so far?

-Yeah, all right. Really good.

-Where are you from?

-I'm from Bedford.

-Bedford?

-Yeah.

-I'm from London actually.

-Are you? What part?

-West London, Ladbroke Grove, have you heard of it?

-No.

-Have you heard of Notting Hill Carnival?

-Yeah.

-Right there, on that road there.

-OK. How old are you?

-I'm 18.

-You're 18?!

-Yeah.

HOOTER

DOYLE: Woah! Man down!

-He's really, really, really young.

-A spring chicken, huh?

-Yeah.

-All right, come back with me.

-She is so nasty tonight, Doyle.

She gave Michael just 23 seconds there.

We got a spring chicken problem. You know, you're a bit too young.

Take a walk, son.

It's age rage and that is the shortest date we have ever seen,

earning Michael a paltry 230 points.

Well, hopefully he's learnt his lesson.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

-In fact, it pretty much never is.

-Honestly?

-No...

It's busy down there in the Date Zone tonight. Here comes Chris again.

-Let's hope Chris can do better this time.

-Eurgh...

I'm picking up some signals here.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-I'm Chris.

-Nice to meet you, Chris.

-How are you?

-I'm good. How are you?

-I'm good, I'm good.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, just trying to relax, compose myself.

-Just being myself, and just enjoy it.

-Brilliant.

-So where are you from?

-I'm from Oxfordshire originally.

-How about yourself?

-I'm from Barry, which is in south Wales.

I love a good Welsh boy, I do.

Well...

Don't let me down, don't let me down.

No, the view, the scenery is absolutely amazing.

And I go out in Cardiff as well.

-My brother's got his own club so I just go there.

-Oh, really?

-Oh...

-I get all the perks.

-Meaning?

VIP, free drink. It's got a bean bag room.

Beanbag room?! Ha-ha! Play on, playa!

Nervous start there. This is new boy, Neil.

He's from Stirling and he says his best feature is his hair.

Why? What can it do?

-How are you doing?

-I'm good, thank you. How are you?

-I'm tremendous.

-Aww... Are you nervous?

-Just a little bit. I can't help it.

-What do you do?

-I'm currently a student.

-OK.

-I do many things. I'm a student.

-What do you study?

-Politics.

But don't judge me on that. I'm not a politician.

-You're not going to be David Cameron.

-I'm definitely not.

-Can I just say, your hair is ridiculously good.

-Aw, thank you.

Fantastic.

DOYLE: Textbook tactics there, Jay-Shizz.

He's gone straight in with the strong complement.

Her hair is not just good, it is RIDICULOUSLY good.

Let's leave them to get better acquainted whilst we head back

to catch up on Tom and Robyn.

-You know Baskin Robbins ice-cream?

-Yeah.

-I worked there.

-Oh, cool.

-In Cairns, in North Australia.

-You must have put a bit of weight on, eating ice-cream every day!

-Mate, I ate so much, definitely.

-Did you just call me "mate"?

-Mate?

-Did you just call me "mate"?

-Er, that was kind of like a...slang thing that I do?

-Ewww...

-Um, but...yeah, I kind of, I say it just, kind of...

-I hate being called "mate".

-Really?

-Oh, God. It's like, it's just, no.

-Its like what you call a bloke. Blokes call blokes "mate".

-OK.

-I'll remember that.

-First warning. First warning.

-First warning, OK.

Thank you. But...

This is really good soup, actually,

considering that, um, I didn't know it would be this good, definitely.

HOOTER

-DOYLE: Oh, ouch. That was tough.

-It really was.

He recovered very well from Mategate,

but then he ended up drowning in his own soupy defence.

-I worry it's croutons now for Tom.

-Ho-ho!

Embarrassing slip up there, Jay.

-I think you meant to say "curtains for Tom".

-No, I didn't. It's a pun.

-I was doing a pun. Lineker would lap this stuff up.

-What's a Lineker?

That's a clear attention violation, man.

You're paying more attention to your soup than the beautiful lady right in front of you.

Get up, boy!

-Go ahead, man!

-Bye.

-Nice to meet you.

DOYLE: Soup proves to be Tom's downfall,

-just like it was with Nixon.

-What?!

Anyway, he scored 32,930 points and in a game where everyone else

is getting ejected in seconds, Tom is doing very well.

-He's in the lead. He's with Poppy now.

-Tom, come on in. Well done.

You lasted just short of an hour. What went wrong, though?

I think I was paying far too much attention to the soup.

This is really good soup, actually.

Considering that, um, I didn't know it would be this good.

You clearly liked that soup, Tom. What flavour was it?

-Liquid gold?

-No, it was carrot soup.

But it might as well have been liquid gold, so unfortunately,

I need to pay more attention to the girl and not the food.

Michael, the veggie-baiter is back.

-Hello, how are you?

-Hello.

-Marisa, I'm Michael.

-Nice to meet you.

-You too. How you doing?

-Good, thanks.

-You look very nice.

-Thank you.

-I like the peach.

-It's Mar-ee-sa, not Mar-is-a.

-Mar-ee-sa.

-Yeah.

I live in Newcastle. And I run a nightclub.

-I look after one of the venues in London.

-Really, which one?

-Have you heard of a company called I AM VIP? They do the photos.

-Yeah.

-I used to be a director of that when I was 18.

-OK.

I used to own my own business, an IT solutions company. After I had my own business,

I kind of landed myself in a pretty good job.

-So it's like work during the week and on the weekend, do my own thing.

-Right.

So it's a pretty busy lifestyle.

-You sound like you should be on The Apprentice.

-A lot of people say that.

I told my family like, since I was about 14, 15,

that I was going to make my first million before 25.

And I'm looking forward to sticking to that, hopefully.

I really, really like food.

I'm trying really hard not to be rude now,

but all I want to do is literally just eat it.

I love my food. Honestly, you should see what I eat.

My cousin's a nutritionist so I probably should eat pretty well but like...

Wow. He is still going on down there.

Throughout the season, Marisa's been a tricky customer,

but she's in a particularly feisty mood tonight.

Two guys have gone. One in just 23 seconds.

-How is Michael pulling this off right now?

-Well, Jar-Jar,

this guy just might have the dating chops.

Effectively what he's doing is using the words

as if they're an anaesthetic. A potent mix of boring business talk

and mind-numbing narcissism seems to have put her completely off her stride.

Ha-ha! I like it!

I've got a couple of friends who are like expecting their first child.

When I saw him last week, he said, "Are you drinking?" I said, "I've no beers."

He said, "Fine, crash here, and drink." I said, "Are you sure?"

He was like, "Yeah, we've got a spare room. Stay there."

-Stayed up till 3 o'clock in the morning watching TV.

-Oh, crazy.

It was a fun night.

So how come you always stay at their house?

Sadly, I still live at home with my mum and dad. I, I... Oh, come on...

HOOTER

DOYLE: Oh, no, no, please, don't, no, wait, meh!

Come talk to me.

-What's he done now?

-He lives at home with his parents.

-Right.

And, quite frankly, he looks like a hobbit.

That's unacceptable, yeah.

-Have a seat.

-Thank you.

-All right, young man.

Some things you need to keep to yourself on first dates.

As in like where you live and how you live.

Bounce your ass out of here, man!

# Mama, mama, I'm coming home. #

Too much information violation.

Well, you have to feel for him there. Lucie is one tough adversary.

DOYLE: That was like a wounded baby gazelle being stalked by a ravenous cheetah.

Those are the eyes of a stone-cold dating predator.

It was only a matter of time before the kill was made.

Oh, come on...

I love my dog. Honestly.

-What kind of dog is it?

-Shih Tzu.

-Classic.

-She's a bitch.

-She's a shit?

SHE GIGGLES

I'm awful. People are like, "You're so cruel to her",

cos I dress her up and everything. But she's just like my little baby.

My cat got AIDS.

People always laugh.

Why do people laugh when I say that?

My cat genuinely got AIDS.

SHE LAUGHS

-Can't laugh at that!

-That's really sad!

It is sad. That's the same reaction every time.

People start laughing. I'm like, "Cheers(!)"

Aw, that's so sad!

Erm... Doyle, what do you...?

-I... I... I don't...

-I don't...

-Cos I...

-Did...

-I've never even...

Erm... Other Michael has joined.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, ma'am.

-Did you just call her "ma'am"?

-Yeah.

-That's really nice.

-It shows that you've got manners.

-Yeah.

I grew up with manners cos I grew up with my mum

so I learned to love a woman a lot.

Aww.

THEY GIGGLE

Aww, that's more like it. Talk of love from Mum, well done.

Meanwhile, Tom is back.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-My name's Tom.

-Nice to meet you.

-What's your name?

-Lucie.

-Nice to meet you.

-I like your eyelashes.

-Thanks.

Really nice. I'm just putting that out there.

-Cheers.

-No problem.

See, I love puddings, but sweets... Actual sweets like Haribo.

Such a child. I love jellies. I'd have jellies over chocolate.

I'd have a bar of chocolate and feel sick,

but I can eat jellies all day.

'We have a Heartstopper.'

Shit.

He's about to face a mental or physical test.

I'm being told it's Show Me The Funny.

As a warning to you at home,

the following scenes may be hard to watch,

but please don't have nightmares.

You've got to make the beautiful Marisa laugh three times in 30 seconds.

Your time starts now. Three, two, one, go.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Damn".

-Oh!

-Ugh.

-Ooh, what is that?

-Oh, dear.

I could try and speak French.

-Come on!

-No, no.

-You see, my reply was...

-HE SPEAKS FRENCH

No?

Je nais se pa.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

EXPLOSION

EXPLOSION

EXPLOSION

EXPLOSION

TYRES SCREECHING

Would you look at this?! This is a total blowout. All pods are red.

This is unprecedented stuff.

Not only that, Jay-Pissed, it's the never-happened-before.

-It's Date-ageddon!

-It's James!

Let's get the low-down on this meltdown.

Tom went back to the 1950s asking Lucie to darn his socks.

-Do you have any hobbies?

-I'm a mean machine when it comes to sewing.

-I've got lots of stuff that needs stitching at the moment.

-Whoa!

You can't have her sewing up your stuff! Now get the hell out of here!

DOYLE: Stitch that, Tomahawk!

Bambi got bored with Neil.

I feel really bad, but I'm so sorry.

EXPLOSION

DOYLE: He peaked too early with the feline AIDS chit chat.

Michael fell victim to another blast of age rage.

-How old are you?

-21.

-Baby.

I'm a baby.

EXPLOSION

DOYLE: With time almost up the Date Zone is refuelled like this.

We've got veggie-baiter Michael with Robyn.

-Hi. Oh!

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Tom gets a bit of Bambi time.

-Bambi.

Bambi, nice to meet you.

And cat man Neil gets big cat Lucie.

-Neil. How are you doing?

-All right, Neil?

DOYLE: And then there's the scent of

fresh blood in the shape of Stewart,

the Scottish banker!

-Hiya.

-Hi!

-How are you doing? My name's Stewart.

-Nice to meet you.

-Marisa. Nice to meet you.

-Good.

-Can I just check your shoes?

-Yes.

-OK, cool.

-Is that OK?

-Yeah, just checking.

Excellent. Thank you.

-It's all right.

-How are you feeling today?

-All right, thanks.

-How are you?

-Not bad, thank you.

-So how old are you?

-23.

-How about you?

-23.

-Oh! When's your birthday?

-27th of September.

GASPS: Do not lie.

-That's my ex-boyfriend's.

-Really?

Right. OK.

-How's your food?

-It's good, thank you. Is yours?

-Yeah.

-Mine's good too.

-I even ate the raisins. I'm being picky.

-Me too.

-BOTH:

-Weird!

SHE LAUGHS

-That is so mad!

-That is crazy.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Tom playing the food distraction card very well there

-with the tasty fruit tart.

-That's a little harsh on Bambi, JK Rowling.

Or James. And that's not what I meant and you know it.

I started my own business when I was 18 and did an IT solutions company for two years.

After that... I'm a consultant for Apple now

and I also manage a nightclub in Newcastle.

I do club nights, mainly on a Saturday.

-Do you drive?

-I don't. Erm...

-Ooh! She's got him!

-She nailed him!

The motormouth floored there by the motoring mention.

High five on that one, Jay-Claw!

-I missed it.

-You did.

-Can we try again?

-Do you like tattoos?

-Depends.

Do you like Mel C?

SHE COUGHS

I'm rocking one of those tattoos.

-Let's get the full view.

-It's just a tiny little... Just there.

-There's a really good story about it, actually.

-It would have to be.

HOOTER

And that sound means only one thing.

We have reached the end of dating.

BENTLEY: Cease dating.

Not knowing the tale of how Neil came to have a tattoo

-like a Spice Girl will haunt me to my grave.

-Will it?

Heck no! I thought you Brits did "ironism" around here!

Let's find out who won and get to a bar.

All right, gentlemen.

We've come to the end of this dating period.

There can only be one winner.

And the winner is...

Tom.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Weird!

SHE LAUGHS

Tom's food deflection tactic

brought him out on top tonight with 64,240 points.

That is, in anyone's book, superb.

-Nice!

-Thank you.

Doyle, your final thoughts on a strange evening out there tonight.

Men of Britain, learn from what you've seen here tonight.

Do not think French is funny.

Do not raise the tricky subject of feline AIDS at the dinner table.

And never open a date with a cosmetic surgery line.

Use the truth sparingly, and only if you absolutely have to.

And remember, if all else fails, distract her with soup play.

Good night, and date strong, Britain. OK, Jay-Man, let's get out of here.

I know a bar called The Throbbing Fist.

Apparently they got a beanbag room. It's going to be a party!

SPRAYS INHALANT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd