Episode 4 World Series of Dating

Hello and welcome to another round of love combat

from The World Series Of Dating.

My name is James Chetwyn-Talbot

and joining me as ever from the USA is five-times WSOD champion

Doyle McManus.

And, Doyle, it appears you've brought a friend with you tonight.

-Sure have J-man.

-James.

Allow me to introduce PC Welton.

For one reason or another we've become inseparable these last few hours.

What happened?

Let's talk about it later, OK?

We've got dating to do.

The World Series Of Dating sees seduction,

sport and supper smashed into each other.

Kaboom!

In each heat four guys enter the date zone.

Their mission is to date the lady for as long as they can,

each second at the table earning him ten points.

If you want to have sex with me that's fine.

You're such an arsehole.

These guys need to be at the top of their dating game cos

if these girls are left cold, they will hit the blow-out button.

Too cheesy.

Legendary WSOD referee Bentley will make a judgement call on the date.

For minor dating errors the guy may get another chance,

but if a dating violation has occurred...

Get the hell out of here, man!

-The guy is off the table.

-Go ahead, man!

The winner is the guy who lasted the longest.

The battle to become the UK's greatest living dater has begun, yeah!

And here are the four lady temptresses who will be out there in the date zone tonight.

It's tiny temptress, Becca.

Small but perfectly formed, 5 feet 1 inches of hot!

She's from Bristol

and we all know what bristols is a euphemism for, don't we?

No, vagina?!

Oh, goodness gracious.

Next up, it's Ava from Iran, a Middle Eastern enchantress.

Mysterious and complex, much like her mother country.

Red hot!

Here's Norwich-based maths boffin, Laura.

Oh, I love a math minx.

It's actually maths, Doyle, not math.

Only an idiot would think that.

You've just insulted an entire nation.

Only a small one.

Who's this fox?

23-year-old Louiza, glamorous.

Look out the British are coming! God knows I am!

I can only apologise. Those are our ladies tonight.

Let's go down to the date zone

to meet our first four brave men.

CHEERING

First out tonight is Declan.

Good, strong thinking pose.

Well, he is a student but claims to suffer from shyness.

This walk doesn't suggest shyness to me J-bam.

I got a good feeling about Declan.

And this is Jordan.

He's buff, it's underarm monsoon season out there.

If I was out there I'd be sweating.

If you were out there something's gone badly wrong with this show.

Well, I'm not, but this guy is, it's Jack.

Boom! He's firing one out already and he's not even met a girl.

Car salesman Jack's favourite book is The BFG.

Big Foxy Girls is one of my favourites too.

No that...ah, doesn't matter.

Last into the arena, it's Ste.

-BRUCE FORSYTH-STYLE:

-Nice to see you, to see you, nice!

You're freaking me out again.

It's a famous British catchphrase.

Whatever. Hey, I like this guy, he's got swagger.

Those are our first four boys and here's the man with the golden guns.

The sheriff of chivalry, the judge of getting jiggy.

It's referee, Bentley.

Greetings, heterosexual males.

I see before me a fine example of manhood.

Now, you guys are about to embark on a lot of serious seduction.

I wish you well.

Date hard, but date fair.

All right, gentlemen, commence dating.

-How you doing?

-Hi, you all right?

-I'm Jack.

-Hi, I'm Louiza.

-Louiza, nice to meet you.

-What we having anyway, have we got a menu?

-There's one there.

Have you got something in your eye?

-Oh, no, it's just a sparkle.

-Oh...OK.

Thanks for handing me the menu, by the way.

Sorry about that, right, erm...

COMMENTATORS: Ohhh.

Shaky start for Jack. Let's watch that ice breaker again.

-SLOWED SPEECH:

-You got something in your eye?

Oh, it's just a sparkle.

Oh, OK.

Are you a football fan?

I am indeed.

-Who?

-Manchester United.

Who do you support? Do you follow football or...? Norwich?

-They were quite a surprise, that Paul Lambert's doing all right, as well, isn't he?

-He's brilliant!

-You like him?

-Yeah.

-He's from Scotland, isn't he?

-Yeah.

I thought he were.

So, what we having?

So what do you do for a living?

I do some modelling. What about you?

Public services. I want to be a fireman, ideally.

-Oh, really?!

-Yep.

So would you not worry about jumping into a fire?

If it's somebody like a child or something like that...

-Yeah?

-..the child comes first.

-Yeah.

-The child's got a whole life ahead of itself.

Yeah. Oh, that's really sweet.

Ava, lovely name.

Is that Scottish, where's that from?

-Iran.

-Iran?!

-I'm from Iran, yes.

Excellent. I'm from, I'm half Greek, actually.

Are you? And the other half?

My mum's Scottish, my dad's Greek.

-OK.

-So I came here when I was about two years old.

I've been here for five years and a half.

-Five years?

-Yeah, since I was 18 so I'm 23 now. How old are you?

I'm 19.

HE LAUGHS

A bit young?

Erm, yeah...just a little bit.

-It's not about age, but.

-19?!

HE LAUGHS

Well, Ava's not keen on younger men by the looks of it.

Half Greek, half Scottish, what is that, Grottish?!

It's a mystery to me. Talking of mysteries,

we haven't really got to the bottom of you being handcuffed to

a member of the constabulary, Doyle, what's going on?

Well, as I was in Britain I thought I'd go down to the Tower of London.

I saw something that looked like candy so I swallowed it.

Turns out it was one of the crown jewels.

Now we're just waiting for it to pass.

-Right. Quite literally the million pound drop.

-Huh?

What are you going to have for dessert anyway, the choice?

SHE LAUGHS

-Is it all sorted?

-Yeah, probably the old tart there.

Yeah, nice one. Everyone likes a nice tart, apparently.

Yeah, I mean, have you got plans for children yet?

-No, no, no, no.

-That's not an invite!

I'm not saying, "What you doing afterwards?"

-SHE LAUGHS

-No, just asking.

-OK, good.

Seems like a strange start from Jack, to me.

No, no it's he old confuseroony.

He's hitting her with so many things at once, she doesn't know which way's up. Textbook play.

So you don't make much time for a girl,

going out at the weekends a lot to watch football?

-Not usually.

-Not many like football, so...

Yeah, I know that's why you've got to be careful.

If they don't like football,

usually go out and... Thank you very much.

..go for something to eat, go to Nando's, something like that.

-Oh, I love Nando's...

-It's awesome, innit?

I love long hair on girls.

SHE LAUGHS

Definitely. Your teeth... I sound a bit forward here but I like to compliment before I do anything.

KLAXON SOUNDS

There you go. And again, my apologies to the Queen.

What?

There it is, Doyle, our first blow-out button of the evening,

and Jordan could be on his way.

It didn't look good from the start. She didn't like his age. Then again, those compliments were pretty crappy.

To me this isn't a clear violation one way or the other.

Well, let's see how referee Bentley calls it.

All right, young man,

a woman like that needs a man that's more mature, know what I'm saying?

-Yeah.

-Get your ass out of here, man!

Go now, boy, get!

# I would do anything for love... #

A classic age rage and Jordan's walking.

Our touchline reporter Poppy Weathers

and her lovely hair is waiting for him.

I think you should be very confident, look at you.

I mean, come on, look at those muscles.

Look at those, look at those, just look!

Look...

Wow... 100% British beef.

Back to the date zone...

I like going to the gym, what about you, do anything like that?

Yeah, I go to the gym sometimes, yeah.

You got a wonderful smile.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Becca there is just too hot for that would-be fireman Declan.

She does have a lovely smile though.

Pah, so do I, but I don't need to hear about it every two minutes. It's annoying.

Declan, oh, young Declan.

I just need you to get your head in the game.

Go back to the drawing board, all right?

And come back and just up your game.

-All right?

-Right.

-I just need you to take that walk for me.

# And it burns, burns, burns

# The ring of fire

# The ring of fire... #

What's your favourite movie?

Favourite movie...

-Probably the Bourne trilogy.

-Yeah?

It's a good one, that is. Not a bad trilogy.

You know at the end? When he's holding the gun at him

and he fires the gun and you don't know if he's been hit or not?

-I started crying.

-Really?

I'm not one of those girly girls that will cry at The Notebook.

I cried at that. I was like, "Oh my God! Jason Bourne!"

-My favourite film's Finding Nemo.

-Is it?

It's something you can sit down and watch and have a good laugh about.

Have you ever cried at a film, Doyle?

Oh yeah! I remember the first hundred times I saw Buttmasters 5.

It always brought tears to my eyes.

Although technically, it wasn't tears.

Do you usually go out, just around town,

or would you ever stop in and watch films and stuff like that?

-I prefer to go out, have a dance.

-It's awesome, I love it.

What sort of music do you like?

80s.

Oh, Jesus!

Ah, come on!

-SLOWED DOWN REPLAY:

-What sort of music do you like?

80s.

Oh, Jesus.

You know the dance called the two-step? It's an 80s dance.

-I do indeed.

-You do indeed? Good stuff.

All right, I need you to two-step your ass up that ramp.

Roger that.

# Don't you want me, baby... #

Well, I don't agree with it, but it's a Bum Note Violation.

Music is a dating death trap and if asked what I like,

I like to answer Lady In Red by Christopher de Burgh,

that little gargoyle's voice makes thongs drop like hot...

thongs, guaranteed.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-Becca?

-Yeah.

-How you doing?

-Good, thanks. You?

-I'm not bad. Are you Scottish?

-No.

-You're not Scottish.

-No, I'm not Scottish. I'm from Bristol.

-Bristol?

-Yeah.

-Definitely see you with the whole tractor thing.

-Oh, God, yeah.

-Well, I'm Scottish, so it's the haggis thing.

-Yeah.

-Kilts and stuff.

I wouldn't ever do any of that stuff.

Nice to see Jordan back in the Date Zone,

but I don't know what that was about.

-Well, those were stereotypes.

-Ah.

Nothing impresses a woman like regional racism(!)

Ah, now, here's a new boy.

This is Karl, a cadet in the Navy

and it looks like he's on his way to Ava.

Will he sink or swim?

-How old is he?

-19.

-Man the lifeboats.

-Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Karl.

-Nice to meet you too, Karl.

You're the one I wanted to be with.

I've seen the rest of them,

-but I made sure I had a good look when I was up there.

-Guy stuff.

-Yeah, so, do you come here often?

-Erm.

-I'm only joking.

-What's your name, by the way, sorry?

-Ava.

-That's not a normal name, is it?

-Hmm, kind of.

-Yeah?

-European?

-No, I'm from Iran.

-Iran?

-Yeah. How about you?

I'm from England originally, but live in Scotland.

-How old are you?

-I'm 19.

-Oh.

-Oh!

So quick! We know she doesn't like them young, Doyle.

That's a nailed on Age Rage Violation.

Yes, her second of the night. Let's go back down for the verdict.

All right, young man, a woman like Ava,

she needs a man who is probably a little bit more mature.

-Get out of town, man.

-Thanks.

Just 36 seconds in the Date Zone, 360 points on the board.

# Sail away, sail away, sail away. #

I've been to Disneyland Paris, that's good,

-but I'd say Florida's the one...

-Have you been to Florida?

-No.

-No.

I've been to New York, Toronto and Vegas, did that all in a trip.

-Oh, OK.

-So, that was really nice.

We went up to Toronto and that was good, just, sort of, couple of days.

-Yeah.

-And then, erm...

-Clear Chomping Violation here, Jamezilla.

-James. It was silly.

-No lady I've ever met likes a man with a mouthful.

-Oh, Jimmy, you dog.

No, no, I wasn't... I didn't mean anything by that.

I can't believe you said that.

A Chomping Violation, that's rule one in The Dater's Almanac.

Oh, actually, no.

Rule one in The Dater's Almanac is "Approach a woman like a lion

"to a wounded gazelle, show your teeth and pounce."

Let's go back to the Date Zone for the decision.

You can't be talking to a lady with your mouth full, man.

-I want you to tap dance your ass out of here.

-Nice to meet you.

-Oh, Jack off.

-Nice one.

-What do you mean? Jack's off.

HE SNIGGERS

Oh, grow up.

-How tall are you?

-5'1".

-5'1"?

-Yeah.

-Can you stand up and see?

-How tall are you?

-6'1".

-You're 6'1". Stand up.

-Right, let's see.

-I've got heels on.

-I suppose if I was like this size.

-Yeah.

-It's good though.

-Not too bad.

-Yeah, it's good. I don't like short...

-Did you say five foot one?

-5"1', yeah.

Is that not, like, two inches off a midget?

That was pretty mean.

Just a fact.

Two inches off a midget is, coincidentally,

the name of an album I recorded back in 1995.

All right, buddy, you're out of here.

# Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

# Bad boys, bad boys

# Whatcha going to do? Whatcha going to do? #

Well, there goes Jordan again, but here comes

a new dating gladiator to face Ava.

His name is Cardelle and the good news for us

is that he's 28.

The bad news is

that his name is Cardelle.

-Hi.

-Hello, I'm Cardelle.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-What was your name again? Ricardo?

-No, Cardelle.

-Cardelle.

-Nice to meet you, Cardelle.

-Nice to meet you.

-Right, sell yourself to me.

-Pardon?

-Sell yourself to me.

Oh, I think you have to sell yourself to me.

It seems to me, Ava's proving a worthy adversary

for all of tonight's boys.

Speaking of which, one of her rejects in back in the Zone.

Can Karl do better this time?

-So, how old are you?

-I'm 23. Don't buzz me out again, please.

-Oh, who buzzed you out for that?

-Ava.

-She's 23, though.

-Yeah, I asked her, she says she needs a 28-year-old.

-Great defence.

That's what we call adaptability on the pro dating circuit.

-SLOW MOTION:

-I'm 19.

I'm 23.

Ste's re-entered the Date Zone and sat down with Becca.

Let's see how he's doing.

-So, what kind of girls do you go for?

-Tanned.

-Tanned, dark-haired girls.

-Are you saying that just because that's me?

And short.

-OK.

-Right.

-What about personality-wise?

-Same as me, like, chilled out, likes to go out, have a drink.

-Yeah.

Doesn't mind, like, making a fool of yourself.

Last weekend, I had two bruises on both my knees, I'm thinking...

Why? What were you doing?

-That sounds so dodgy, by the way.

-I was dancing.

I know it does, but, no, Karl said I fell over when I was dancing.

I couldn't believe it.

Enough cheese for you there?

-Do you do sports?

-Me?

-Do you play sport?

-Yeah, I play rugby.

-Ah, OK.

-But I'm doing marine engineering at the moment.

-OK.

So, when I'm on the ship, like, there's not really much space

to do rugby, so I've become, like, pretty awesome at table tennis.

-Have you?

-Yeah, I'm like Forrest Gump and shit.

Oh, my gosh, I just said that to this other guy.

How long was your previous relationship with a girl?

Two months.

It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault.

-Clearly was your fault.

-I swear. I didn't break it off.

-Yeah, yeah.

I didn't break it off.

-Where did she come from?

-Erm. Coventry.

-Oh, I've been to Coventry as well.

-Wow, you've been everywhere.

-I love travelling, actually, it's one of my hobbies.

-OK, cool.

-Yeah, impressive.

-Oh.

-So, I impressed you?

-Of course.

-But you haven't impressed me yet.

-Really?

-Yeah.

HE MOUTHS

-Oh, this woman is in heat tonight.

-How you doing, man?

-All right.

-I like you, so this is going to be tough.

Get your ass out of here, man.

So, Ava's third victim of the night leaves with a Yawn Star Violation,

but he has clocked up 12,400 points on that board.

That's more than anyone else has managed

with the Sexy Beast from the East tonight.

-I don't think that's very appropriate.

-Sorry.

Sexy Beast from the Middle East.

That's made things a lot worse.

So, where's your dessert?

I don't know, taking a while.

Pretend to look skinny, breathe in and they'll think you're hungry.

Do you think I'm fat?

-What did I say?

-"Pretend to look skinny!"

No, I said both of us, pretend to look skinny.

I really want to do it, sorry.

Becca, sweetheart, will you come over here and talk to me for a sec?

What's the problem?

OK, basically, he was, like, "Oh, just pretend to look skinny."

-Right, OK.

-I was like, "What does that mean?"

Two things.

Age and weight.

Two things that don't sit well with ladies.

I need you to get your ass up.

He was walking before Bentley had even finished there.

He knew he'd committed date-icide on that one.

Let's go over to lovely Poppy now for some post-date analysis.

What the hell happened?

-Well, I thought it were going really well, weren't it?

-Yeah.

-But I asked a silly question, really, and...

-Very silly question.

-SLOW MOTION:

-Do you think I'm fat?

-No.

-Sorry.

-That's it, innit?

-Yeah.

-But I had, I had to just...

-It was a bad call.

Other than waggling little Ste in front of her face,

you couldn't have done any worse.

Oh, Jordan's back in the game with Laura.

-As a wee kid, I was, like, "Girls, urgh. I'm scared of girls."

-Yeah.

And then... Would you say I'm like that now?

No, I think that you need, you're a little bit,

you need to have that confidence, though.

You need to have that wow factor, you need to woo me.

You're not, you're just, you're lovely, don't get me wrong.

-But I'm not wooing you.

-You're more of a mate, at the minute.

I don't know,

there's something about you that's keeping me chatting, so...

What are you...? Why did you just do that?

I'm terrible, couldn't you have just said?

No, no, it was good.

SHE GIGGLES

-Let me see you do it.

-Me?

See, that looks much better than me.

So shiny, your lips are so shiny.

-It's that conditioner.

-Hmm.

It make them more kissable?

If this was you, I'd be like.

Don't, don't.

Proper tonguing.

Oh.

# I can feel it coming in the air tonight... #

Look at that.

Yes, yes!

No!

-Doyle, quite a display there.

-Yeah, a lot of tongue.

-From their mouths.

Are we witnessing the beginning of Date Zone love?

James, that's not love, but it does mean Jordan's doing well.

Oh, wait, who's this? Jack is back.

-Oh, and he's being thrown to the Lioness.

-Nice to meet you, I'm Ava.

-How you doing, Ava?

-Good, thanks. How are you?

-Yeah, not bad, not bad.

-You're looking really nice tonight.

-Thank you.

-Really nice. So, erm.

-Where abouts are you living?

-In London. How about you?

-Northampton.

Is it close to London?

-It's not too far, it's about an hour away from London.

-OK.

Well, he's already done better than Karl did with her.

Yes, but Karl's been with Louiza for a long time now

and I'm just hearing, she has played the Heartstopper.

-Doyle, what does this mean?

-Oh, it's a man test,

often seen when a guy's been at the table for a while

-and the lady wants to test him. It could be physical or verbal.

-OK.

And I'm hearing it's The Language of Love,

which means he's got to read her romantic poetry.

Poetry! Jesus Christ, stick my head in a bucket of shit already.

I want you to read out these words to the lady

and make them sound really lovely. Three, two, one.

Go.

-Can I just play the harmonica?

-Uh-oh, it's a refusal.

Let's do this instead, it'll be fun.

-Sorry.

-That was really good.

That is some fantastic dating improvisation, man.

-Continue dating.

-Thank you.

-That was really good.

-Unbelievable.

-I'm not the best reader.

-Aren't you?

-Just keep that on me all the time.

-Fair enough, you did well.

-Thank you very much.

-I'm impressed.

Very impressive stuff but technically, he broke the rules.

When it comes to the WSOD, there are no rules.

-Hang on. What about this rule book?

-That, sir, is the sacred Almanac.

-Jazizzle-stick.

-It's James, all right?

Forget it. Here comes a new boy.

Hazel Irvine never has to deal with this.

Who?

Is that Johnny Depp?

No, this is Andrew, but he does, in fact, model himself on Johnny.

And, at 18, he's the youngest competitor out there tonight.

Then, God help him.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-Is it Becca, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

I'm Andrew or Andreas, whatever you prefer.

I'm half Greek, so you get a wee special boy here now.

-I'm in a band and I'm the drummer.

-What kind of music?

It's like, erm, AC/DC.

I know who they are, but I've never heard their music.

-You've never heard their music?

-No, because it's not my kind of thing.

How can she not know AC/DC?

Come on, I mean, it's Brian Johnson, it's Angus Young, it's... Come on.

MIAOW

Well, that's coming out of your salary.

Fine.

-I've got something to admit.

-Really, cool.

-This might put you off.

-I play World of Warcraft.

-Honestly?

Wow.

You can't buzz me. Oh, my God.

I am really proud of my geekiness.

-I can imagine you with a big screen, like...

-Oh! What is he doing?

I gave it my best.

Another date-icide. Can't see Bentley letting this one go.

I was feeling your style, but you know what I don't like, though?

-What?

-When you take the feet right out of the jaws of victory.

-I think you should take a hike.

-Oh.

I can't believe he tried to press the Blow-out Button.

You do not break the rules of the WSOD.

You just said there weren't any rules.

-This game is built on rules, Jay-brama-hama.

-It's James.

-Have you seen The Notebook?

-No.

Yeah, at the very end, she's got Alzheimer's

but she comes back to him and they're dancing

and then, she just switches again and she doesn't know him.

And you know why.

Louiza.

Beautiful Princess, what seems to be the problem?

The worst sin of all.

He didn't look into my eyes, he looked...

somewhere else.

I've got two words, man.

Eye contact.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

When you keep eye contact,

you stop taking your eyes to forbidden areas,

-you know what I'm saying?

-I know...

That's a Cleavage Violation, man.

Stand up, get your ass up.

Go on, let's keep walking.

A rookie error there from Karl,

which could well cost him the prize tonight.

Yup, as the famous dating motto goes,

"Only look at her rack when she's having a snack.

"And when she's eaten enough, you can look at..."

I understand things are hotting up in the Date Zone.

-OK, that's great.

-Yeah, so, how old are you?

-23. How about you?

-21.

SHE COUGHS

-Are you all right?

-Oh-oh, not a good sign.

Maybe I ought to get down there, I know the Heimlich.

-No, you stay right there. Stay there.

-She's in distress.

-You've had one arrest today already.

-I can help this lady.

You'll be asked to leave the country.

-It's worth it.

-Just stay where you are!

BUZZER RINGS

Well, that's another great night of dating competition over.

All that's left is for Bentley to crown tonight's winner.

All right, fellas.

Now, I could say we're all winners tonight, then I'd be lying.

Truth is, there's only one winner.

One man that made me proud tonight.

And the winner is...

..Jack.

APPLAUSE

I salute you, young man.

You're flying the flag for the male race.

All give it up for Jack, man, come on.

-SLOW MOTION:

-Have you got something in your eye?

-SLOW MOTION:

-My favourite film's Finding Nemo.

Confirmation there that Jack wins with 33,300 points.

But look how close that was,

Karl is right behind him.

Doyle, your thoughts on tonight's play.

-There you go, Jay-shizzle.

-James.

Well, tonight's been a busy night down there in the Date Zone.

Our girls were on fire.

Ladies and gentlemen, the WSOD has not come to the UK

purely so that I can see Nelson's Column

and fulfil the love dreams of several famous Brit women.

No, no, no, no.

We are here to teach you the ways of the date.

Men of Britain, never look at a lady's milkers...

..when she might catch you doing it.

Keep your eyes on the prize,

not the prizes.

Until next time, date strong, Britain.

Mmmm.

Enjoying my urine?

Ah. Oh, God. Eurgh!

-Ugh!

-Mmm.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd