Episode 5 World Series of Dating

Hello, and welcome to the latest heat

in the UK's first ever season of the World Series Of Dating.

My name is James Chetwyn-Talbot,

and joining me tonight is WSOD legend and five-time champion Doyle McManus.

I hear the ladies are literally

chomping at the bit tonight down there, Doyle.

Are you kidding me!

This is the WSOD UK-style. You might have to tie me to a chair

to keep me from diving into the Date Zone myself, cos it's on.

OK. Tell me, Doyle,

what makes competitive dating such a great spectator sport?

Well, Jimmy, imagine taking a greased-up naked man,

covering him in pate and throwing him into a pool of sharks,

and those sharks have machine guns!

That, my friend, is what we're going to be watching tonight.

Not according to the TV listings.

Doyle, I think it might help if you explain the rules.

All right, Britain, here we go.

The World Series of Dating sees seduction, sport and supper

smashed into each other. Kaboom!

In each heat, four guys enter the Date Zone

and their mission is to date the lady for as long as they can,

each second at the table earning him 10 points.

If you want to have sex with me, that's fine.

You're such an arsehole!

These guys need to be at the top of their dating game,

because if these girls are left cold,

they will hit the blow-out button.

EXPLOSION NOISE

Naughty.

Legendary WSOD referee Bentley will make a judgment call on the date.

For minor errors, the guy may get another chance,

but if a dating violation has occurred....

That's a cleavage violation, man!

..the guy is off the table.

Go ahead, man!

-The winner is the guy who lasted the longest.

-Whoo!

The battle to become UK's greatest living dater has begun. Yeah!

Thank you very much, Doyle.

We are moments away from the action,

so it's time to meet the team of temptresses

the men will have to impress tonight.

It's Marisa, 26. She's only 5' 3",

but she's strangely intimidating,

very much like ice.

-Hot ice!

-Yes, hot ice.

Scientifically utterly impossible,

but yes, probably the toughest lady out there tonight.

Now, Laura is 20. She's from Norwich.

She's a maths student

-and she's double-jointed at the elbows.

-Oh-ho! Hello!

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-That's highly unlikely.

-Inverted reach-around!

-Good God. I was thinking of puppetry!

Right, on to Robyn. She's 26

-and describes herself as a real woman.

-Well, that's reassuring,

because when a lady turns out not to be,

-it kind of puts me off my rhythm.

-Robyn's from Preston...

Obviously it doesn't stop me, but, you know.

Good to know. Thanks for that.

And completing the ladies' line-up,

it's enigmatic elfin enigma

Charlie, 19, from Cardiff,

and she's after a man who plays rugby, which,

interestingly, is a sport I thought I'd come to the BBC to commentate on.

But no, no, here we are on a dating show.

One gender in the bag - and what a bag.

Now show me the British beef!

This is Ben.

He's a sales advisor from Newcastle,

which means he's a Geordie.

You know, James, I think

we should keep religion out of this.

No, that's not... Never mind. We need to move on to Kieran.

He's a student from Birmingham

and he likes a Hobnob.

Ah, playing it gay!

Girls love that.

No, it's a...biscuit.

Next up, it's Paul.

He's a Glaswegian barman and his favourite chat-up line is,

"I've lost my phone number,

"can I have yours?"

On first listen, that sounds clever,

but actually, that doesn't even make sense.

No, not really. And completing the line-up...

-He's thinking about something out there, isn't he?

-This is Matt.

He's 22, and he's a vet.

Which war?

The war against sick animals, I think.

And there he is, Referee Bentley.

Ah, the greatest WSOD referee ever.

Oh, I've seen that look before. Cincinnati, '98.

A man died that night.

Welcome, noble datesmen.

I wish you good fortune in my realm of bromance.

I'm your referee, Bentley.

HE LAUGHS

Do not cross me!

Ladies.

HE LAUGHS

We shall date 'em.

We shall date 'em on the beaches,

we shall date 'em on the landing grounds,

we shall date 'em on the fields and in the streets.

We shall date 'em on the hills.

We shall always date 'em.

God speed and good luck.

Date on!

-Hiya, you all right?

-Hello.

Ben. Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, I'm Marisa.

-You look nice.

-Thank you.

-What's that on your neck?

-Tattoo.

-A tattoo?

-I've got a lot.

-Your tattoo's really bothering me.

-Why?

-Just cos it's the only thing I can look at.

-Shame I can't cover it up.

-And your earrings, obviously, as well.

Why have you got two earrings in?

-Cos I wanted to.

-Oh, right.

Why've you got two in?

I'm a girl.

-Do you want us to take them out?

-Will you?

-Yeah.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah, seeing as I'm nice.

-Thank you.

-No bother.

What about the bracelet? Do you want to take that off?

From Marisa, that is a warm welcome.

-As warm as hot ice!

-Yeah.

Ben's off to a tough start.

Let's see who Kieran's drawn.

-Where's the menus?

-Yeah, shall we have a look?

I thought this was part of the table.

Oh.

Vegetarian?

-Am I?

-Yes.

-No.

-No, OK.

-Like a good bit of meat.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Cheeky!

Is that what you Brits call flirting?

I have no idea. I've never done it.

At this stage, I think they're just feeling each other out.

What? Mmm. I hear you. It must be those double-jointed elbows, right?

How tall are you?

I think I'm about 5' 11".

I haven't ever...

-Measured yourself?

-Measured.

I don't really see the need.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, I think I'm happy with my height.

Yeah.

I'm a bit too skinny as it is,

so if I was any taller, I'd be like a beanpole.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, that's funny.

Hmmm. What kind of man doesn't know his measurements?

I can tell you mine in millimetres, inches or feet.

Well, staying on a measurement theme,

let's go over to the shortest lady in the Date Zone tonight.

Wait, you weren't talking about height, were you?

Nine out of a cold pool, my friend.

Behold.

HE GRUNTS

HE STRAINS

This one's for Uncle Sam.

HE STRAINS

All right there.

Buzz you out now for dressing better than me.

Oh, no, you look fine.

Thank you. I like your bling.

We could be matching.

Aye, we can be bling buddies.

But you're beautiful.

-Thank you.

-You're beautiful.

-Thanks.

-I love your hair.

Aye, sounds like a fun day.

Me, I went for a haircut yesterday and I'm starting to run out of hair!

Probably end up having to shave my head one day.

There seems to be a sound problem down in the Date Zone.

Can we get a new mic on this guy, please?

No, it's not the microphone. He's Scottish.

He was talking about shaving his head,

or as Scottish people say, "heid".

Scottish, huh? Are you sure, because

Mel Gibson doesn't sound anything like that in Braveheart.

You know, I was just out with Mel the other day.

We were driving by a synagogue and he rolled down the window...

OK! Doesn't matter what he said. Who cares?

Let's get back down to the Date Zone.

I hear Marisa's still grilling Ben about his tattoos.

You've got to let me tell you what he said...

Why've you got lips on your neck?

Is that meant to mean anything?

-It's just a design. It's no-one's lips.

-What does that mean?

Because that can't portray anything good

to any girl that you will remotely be interested in.

-Do you regret having it done?

-No, I love it.

Right.

HE EXHALES

Errr...

Awkward moment.

Not good...at all.

-Ben's on thin ice already.

-Thin hot ice!

I do keep a diary.

-That's quite geeky.

-That's a bit geeky.

-Yeah.

It's not a proper in-paragraphs diary.

I'll just write down words...

Little notes and stuff.

..that will trigger it,

so if I look back at a day,

I'll remember that day.

-OK. Perfect question for you now.

-Right.

If you were to write a diary entry on this date, what would you put?

Robyn seemed a very nice girl.

-Oh, that's rubbish!

-I don't give out compliments.

-So I did well to get one, then?

-Yeah, that was a lot of effort.

There's a barrier in my mind that just stops me giving any.

Probably not the right thing for this, cos you've got to impress me

-in a really short space of time.

-Yeah, I realise that.

-What do you want to do with a maths degree?

-I want to teach.

Erm...what was I going to say?

But maths? It's a degree that's not...

unless you want to go into accountancy,

but then you've got to...

Or teaching?

Yeah.

Or anything?

-You can do anything with a maths degree.

-Really? Right.

Engineering, computing...

So, do you want to go into the maths side of computering?

No, I want to be a teacher.

-I've told you.

-If the teaching's...

You don't seem to be listening very well.

I'm really sorry.

EXPLOSION NOISE AND SIRENS

There it is. The first blowout button of the night.

Rookie mistake. He's clearly not listening.

Plus, "computering" is not a word.

How will referee Bentley judge this one? He's with Laura now.

He's not listening.

He keeps repeating the same questions over and over again,

then it'll be quiet for ages

where he's umm-ing and ahh-ing for something to say.

-Awkward silence. OK.

-Yeah.

-Come on, let's take care of this.

How are you calling this one, Doyle?

Well, COMPUTERING what she said, my guess is he's going.

-How you doing, young man?

-All right, thanks.

Yourself?

I'm good. I'm real good.

We got a problem here.

You're drifting off,

going all different places. Now get your ass up!

Take a walk, man!

Whoa, there it is!

I called it right.

That's a Yawn Star violation.

You've got to listen to the lady, man.

-It's the only you'll eventually get to the goods.

-So sad.

Kieran's gone already, only clocking up 12,770 points.

And he didn't even get to finish his melon boat.

I'm pretty laid back, to be fair, like.

Dead affectionate as well, like, really affectionate person.

-Do you like hugging?

-I love cuddles, man.

-Oh, God, right, OK.

Cuddles are the way forward.

Why?

Cuddles are... Everyone loves a good cuddle, man.

-Are you an affectionate person, then?

-No.

-At all?

-No.

So are you impressed, then, or what?

No.

Wow! Blowout buttons being hit all over the place, but what a challenge, though, huh?

I'd love to be out there defrosting that hot ice!

All right, young man, here's the deal.

She's not impressed.

You had a good run, you just take a walk.

-Do you want your jewellery?

-Yeah.

Thank you.

Bye!

That's the only jewels of yours she's gonna be touching.

Ben has clocked up 23,980 points.

However, he must kiss goodbye to his date.

Probably with those tattooed lips.

Ho-ho! Excellent punning.

Thanks very much. He's with Poppy Weathers now. Let's lip-sen in.

Ah, you killed it, man!

Ah, Ben, tricky start there, tricky start with Marisa.

She made you do bling. She did. How do you feel about that?

Totally gutted.

And she also didn't like your tattoo, did she?

The lips, particularly. Whose lips are they?

Just a design, that I got.

Design you liked?

A design I wanted.

I like tea. I've got a massive cup of tea on my back. Massive, steaming.

Lovely.

-If you want to see it, I'll show it to you, but later. At teatime.

-Cool.

Now it's time to throw another piece of man meat to the lady wolves.

-Who's next?

-This is Daniel, and exotically, he comes from Colombia.

He likes computers and heavy metal.

Then, why is he even here?

This guy's gonna last, like, two seconds.

-Hiya.

-Hi, how are you?

All right, how are you?

I'm very nice. My name is Daniel. Nice to meet you.

-I'm Laura.

-Laura?

-Where are you from?

-I'm from Colombia.

-Colombia, ooh, wow!

-Yourself?

-Uh, I've got a bit of South American in me.

-That's a nice coincidence.

-Do you say Lo-ra or Lau-ra?

-I say Lau-ra.

Lau-ra. I love my name being pronounced Lau-ra.

It's sexy.

Yeah, it is.

Yo, freeze, there. Check out those signals right there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she does seem

to be enjoying that spaghetti Bolognese.

What?! No wonder you're a virgin! Look.

Those eyes mean she's interested, and that wide-open mouth?

Hang on, I've never said I'm a virgin.

Pfft! You didn't have to!

Anyway, this isn't about me.

This is about how Daniel and Laura are getting on.

I'm just hearing that an old friend is heading back into the date zone.

Hello!

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Good, thanks.

I'd normally ask what your name is, but as it says Marissa...

It's not Marissa, it's Marisa.

Nice of you to correct me on my pronunciation. What's your hobbies?

Um...

-Do you like football?

-No.

Have you ever come across a lady as tenacious as this?

I sure have, J-Dog.

James, it's James.

I played this game, J-Wizz.

You've got to dominate this kind of lady in the date zone.

Break 'em before they break you.

And, if you do, ride 'em, cowboy!

On behalf of the BBC, I'd like to apologise

for the deeply inappropriate nature of that metaphor.

So, have you got any talents you can impress me with?

Ah, I can dance.

-You can dance?

-Yes.

-What sort of dance?

Er, I can dance salsa.

You going to show me a dance?

If you would be willing to be my partner for dancing, yes.

I will be more than happy to show you.

-Would you like to?

-What, right now?

Yeah! I mean, why not?

Would you like a dance with me?

Are you intimidated by my height?

No, actually I'm not, because I noticed your heels.

I know you're wearing high heels. OK.

So, we're going to dance merengue.

Merengue? OK.

That goes quite easy,

that's just like, as you would imagine, one, two, one, two, yeah?

-You got it.

-OK.

OK, I'm going to grab you here, and here.

And then we go Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm.

And then we go backwards, and forwards.

Backwards, and forwards.

Oh, what an amazing play!

He does the double effect of acceptable touching

and it keeps Laura's hands away from the buzzer.

This kid's a genius.

That's right. What are you doing?

Whoa, I'm sorry. I misread the signals. My bad.

-I'm not Rihanna!

-OK!

What kind of music are you into?

It sounds awful, but I quite like Lady Gaga and Rihanna and Kesha.

Wow! Pretending to like girls' music usually guarantees third base.

All right, young man. You like Lady Gaga?

Yeah.

Some things, man, you got to keep to yourself.

Get your ass up, man!

I told you to go nowhere yet.

Now, get the hell out of here, man!

MUSIC: "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga

Closet Gaga, he's go-gone.

Yes, our third boy is out.

But Matt's currently in the lead with 26,800 points.

He's talking to the lovely, really delightful, smells delicious, Poppy.

She had a problem that you were gaga about Gaga. Why... Ga?

Erm, I wouldn't say it's about her in general, just, musically,

I'm a fan, but I don't see any point in lying about that

because eventually you'd get to the stage when all you would hear coming

out of my room was Lady Gaga music, so why lie about it?

SPEECH IN SLOW MOTION

Off you go.

Nice bottom.

Where are you coming from?

Were you with your parents, were you born here?

-I'm not from Scotland. I'm not from Scotland!

-Oh!

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm so embarrassed, too.

I can't believe you thought I was from Scotland! I'm sorry.

KLAXON SOUNDS

How could Daniel make such a mistake?

Unbelievable!

You seem like a pretty good dater, man.

You got your little dance going on, I'm kind of feeling that, you know what I mean?

-Yeah?

-Yeah, but for right now, I'm going to need you to get your ass up.

-I will.

-Yeah, go ahead, do it. A'ight.

And just take a walk right round for me, man.

-You got a future in this game, son, I can feel it.

-Thank you very much.

Nice to meet you.

It's a simple conversation violation, but, you know what?

I like this guy. He's a maverick.

I really hope we get to see him back in the date zone.

Breaking news.

Mumbling Paul has mumbled his last mumble in the zone.

Charlie has simply had enough.

The zone can be brutal, but one dater's disaster

is another's opportunity, as Ben returns to the action.

Hiya, you all right? How are you? I'm Ben.

-I'm Laura. Nice to meet you.

-You OK?

-I like your tattoo.

-Thank you.

What made you get that done?

I wanted, like, a random one, like, pretty cool. I'm a random guy.

-Where are you from?

-Newcastle.

-How about you?

-Norwich.

-Like your smile, by the way.

-Oh, thank you.

-It's nice.

I like a smile on a girl. Eyes, teeth, nose.

And a smile. I know that's, like, in with the teeth thing, but...

Nice lips as well.

Ben there, complementing nearly all of the elements of Laura's face.

-Tell me, do ladies like face compliments?

-Yes, they do, James.

Complementing the face is good, but don't stray below the neckline.

-Yeah, I don't think we need to spell that out.

-Girls don't like rack-chat.

-Thanks for spelling that out.

But I flew 19 times last year.

You what?

-I flew 19 times last year.

-Did you? Where did you fly to?

I went to France six times, I went to Germany twice.

I went to Belfast twice, I went to Mexico.

I went to Egypt, I went to Tunisia...

Yeah.

Yeah, hmm.

Do you like transport? Is there any particular transport you don't like?

-Nobody's asked me that before.

-Really?

-There's a first time for everything, isn't there?

-You're freaking me out.

-It's not as if I...

-You are. You're freaking me out.

-Ooh!

-KLAXON BLARES

-Mentioning transport is a kamikaze dating move.

Surely Kieran can't survive this.

He asked me what my favourite mode of transport was,

-which is a bit of a rubbish question.

-Yeah, yeah, right, OK.

All right, Kieran.

Favourite mode of transport, man?

You kidding me? Get your ass up, man.

Two dates for Kieran, two yawn stars.

I suppose you could say he threw himself under the dating train.

-Ho-ho! Nice!

-Yeah.

-Daniel's back in the Date Zone, yeah!

Do you know any jokes?

Um, let's see.

No.

Stop us if you don't understand, like, what sayings...

You know what craic means? Like, having craic? No.

Like, I would say to my mates, "Oh, your craic's good."

-SHE GIGGLES

-That sounds so awful!

Oh, my God!

-I'll just say your banter's good. I'll just say that.

-OK.

-Not your craic.

Not my crack! I can't!

That guy just mentioned the lady's crack and got away with it!

I've tried that move twice in my career.

The second time I ended up in the hospital for three days.

-Hi, I'm Matt.

-Hello.

-Pleased to meet you.

-You all right?

-Yeah, not bad. Yourself?

-Yeah, good, thanks.

I'd like to point out this isn't my shirt. I was given it to wear.

I would never normally wear a shirt that's too big and an awful colour.

Um... That's the situation we have.

Who gave you the shirt?

Well, the one I turned up with would have given people epileptic fits.

-SHE LAUGHS

-So, I couldn't wear it.

Wow, this date could be the game-changer right now.

-Hot ice is thawing out there!

-She's dripping, Jim Bob.

Hmm, it's James, and not dripping, thawing.

-Are you into Spanish music?

-Well, actually, no.

-No?

I'm more of a rock person.

-A rock person?

-Yes. Mostly just chilling out in my house.

I like to listen to metal or grunge.

You listen to metal and grunge to chill out?

-Sometimes.

-Yeah?

-You look at me like, "This guy is nuts."

Yes, I think you are quite nuts. Are you into horror films at all?

Sometimes, horror films as well.

-Are you one of those people that watches horror films by themselves?

-No. No, that would be just creepy.

Yeah.

-Do you go to the gym, then?

-Aye.

-Can I have a feel of your guns?

-Got what?

-Can I have a feel of your guns?

-Can you feel them?

-Yeah.

-If you want.

Go on, then. You've got to lean!

-Wow, I'm impressed!

-And now I've got to feel yours.

Yeah, Mrs Muscles!

-Nice, nice.

-It's a sexy pose, innit?

That's a nice little pose. Do that.

-What, like...?

-Again. I like that! That's nice. It's really nice.

Oh, yeah! This is homosex-hibition play!

He's touching, she's posing and I'm loving it!

Also still dating very well is Matt.

-If you are an animal, what animal would you be?

-A camel.

Why would you be a camel?

I, like, don't really drink a lot...

..so I'd have phases where I'd drunk loads and stored it

-and then I could just carry on with my day.

-Right.

-Fair enough.

-What would you say?

-I'd be an elephant, I think.

-I was going to say elephant.

-Hmm.

-Why would you be an elephant?

-Nothing really attacks you.

You don't have to chase anything, you just find vegetation and eat it.

-It would be quite relaxed, I think.

-Why doesn't anything attack you?

-Because you're too big.

-Would you believe it? I think he's thrown her.

He's taken her WAY off-piste.

Epileptic shirts and camels, it's hypnotic!

Shall I feed you?

-SHE GIGGLES

-Only if you want! Shall I feed you?

-You want to feed me?

-If you want. Do you want us to?

-Go on, then.

Aye? Just for the craic?

-Right, it's coming.

-HE MIMICS AEROPLANE

Oh, my God!

I've got make up...!

There you go.

-No, I don't trust you.

-Right, no, no, pinky square, I'll get it in your mouth this time.

BOTH LAUGH

Right, here, quick. One, two, three. Go on, I won't get it on your nose.

Woah! Stick a fork in her, she's done!

He just said, "I'll get it in your mouth this time."

This is the finest British dater we've seen so far.

But, for every Ben, we have a Matthew.

The hairy hunk didn't show enough interest in Robyn...

-Whereabouts are you from?

-Oh, wow!

All this way in and you've not asked me? That's it.

KLAXON BLARES

How will you take her home if you don't know where she lives?

JAMES: '..and was promptly dispatched.'

If I knew how to, I would teach self-defence kung fu for girls.

You would do that to someone? Like, kick him on his face?

Would I kick someone in his face?

Would you? Wearing high heels?

Would you not just...bam?!

Oh, my God, you're dumped!

-KLAXON BLARES

-Oh, man!

-No, no.

When you fly too close to the sun like the famous Nostradamus did, you're going to get burnt.

Kicking guys in the face with high heels?

-Not even I could make that line work!

-Don't kick a man on the face.

I think we know how Bentley's going to call this one.

All right, young man. You talking about fighting around a young lady?

-That's man talk.

-Yeah, it kind of is.

Man, get your ass up again, man!

-# Can I kick it?

-Yes, you can

# Can I kick it?... # See you around, Jackie Chan.

-# Can I kick it?

-Yes, you can

-# Can I kick it?

-Yes, you can

-# Can I kick it?

-Yes, you can

# Well, I'm gone. #

-I want some of your cream.

-You what? Oh, my God!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, no!

Here's some of my cream.

Is it juicy?

-Are you ready?

-Right, keep a straight face. It's coming.

Oh! Wait there.

Mmm, I like that face you pulled when it was coming towards us, like.

What was that look? You went...

You are sexy, like.

KLAXON BLARES

And the klaxon is sounding.

That can only mean one thing, it's the end of dating.

Thank goodness, frankly, because that conversation was becoming a tad racy for my liking.

Well, that kid Ben finished in style if you ask me. "Cream. Juicy."

-Yeah.

-Oh, "I'm going to get it in your mouth."

-Yeah, OK, all right, so let's go straight back down...

-Woah, woah!

-You know what, stop a minute there, J-Bone.

-Its James.

-Everybody, eyes up here, look at me.

I'm totally aroused. I'm just putting it out there.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, let's go straight back to the Date Zone where referee Bentley is about to announce the winner.

All right, gentlemen, we've come to the end of what can only be described as a classic dating period.

And I've got to say, at the end of the day,

it's been a pleasure watching you work.

Dating is a great spectacle, like ballet or happy hour at Hooters.

But, there can be only one winner.

I would love to give you all medals but if I did that,

then that would make this sport lame and sissy like soccer.

So, my one winner tonight is...

-..Ben.

-Cheers.

-You the man.

Can you all give it up for Ben, man?

APPLAUSE

That's classic stuff, man. Fantastic.

JAMES: And as we all expected, confirmation there that Ben

is tonight's winner with 55,800 points.

-That should see him safely into the final.

-Yeah!

-Doyle, your final summary for tonight.

-Yeah!

What have we learned tonight?

We learned that talking about cracks, juicy cream

and getting stuff in your mouth seems to work on British chicks,

so I know what I'm doing tonight! Win-win!

Britain, you have risen to the challenge, and in watching you, hey, I have too.

OK, so, that's it for this date week,

but join us next time for more action from the World Series Of Dating.

Good night from me, Doyle McManus. Date strong, Britain.

-Please, step back. Just take one step back.

-No way.

-Please?

-Mm-mm.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd