Episode 6 World Series of Dating

This programme contains some strong language

Hello, and welcome to another night of battle

from the World Series of Dating. My names is James Chetwyn-Talbot MA,

and joining me as ever

is five-time WSOD champion and dating legend Doyle McManus.

-Hello, James, and hello, Britney.

-It's Britain.

Nope. She was definitely called Britney.

-Great.

-Yeah - Great Britney.

Doyle, talk us through the rules of tonight's sporting combat.

The World Series of Dating sees seduction,

sport and supper smashed into each other. Kaboom!

In each heat, four guys enter the Date Zone,

and their mission is to date the lady for as long as they can,

each second at the table earning him ten points.

If you want to have sex with me, that's fine.

You're such an arsehole!

These guys need to be at the top of their dating game,

because if these girls are left cold, they will hit the blow-out button.

Too cheesy.

Legendary WSOD referee Bentley will make a judgement call on the date.

For minor dating errors, the guy may get another chance,

but if a violation has occurred...

Man, get the hell out of here, man!

-..the guy is off the table...

-Go ahead, man.

The winner is the guy who lasted the longest.

The battle to become UK's greatest living dater has begun. Yeah!

Let's meet the four terrifying lady daters who'll be gracing the Date Zone tonight.

First up, it's...

Ava. 24, originally from Iran.

Ooh, a Middle Eastern delicacy.

Iran course was once known as Persia.

Or Purrrrr-sia. Like a cat!

This is Charlie - enigmatic and elfin.

-El-fine.

-Just five foot, one inch tall and lives in Wales.

Little lady, big hair.

And the third lady on tonight is Becca.

-Bristol Pretty FC.

-Whoa!

-Incoming bombshell!

-Boo, yes.

A key photographer in her spare time...

-I'd like to see her flash.

-That's vivid.

-I'm on fire!

-You're on heat.

Final girl out is 26-year-old Marisa, our Latin lovely.

-Veni, vidi, vici.

-Are those coffee sizes?

-No, it's Latin.

-I came...

-Oh, God, that's disgusting.

Come on, man. Clean it up.

Let's meet our first four brave men who'll be out there tonight.

Here is Andrew, 23. A touch of class.

Loves pheasant, I should imagine.

I like this guy. He's got a vibe of a young Hugh Grant.

Let's hope he bags his Liz Hurley tonight.

-And steers clear of prostitutes!

-Wow.

-Next, it's Michael, 24. A banker.

-Hey, I like this guy.

He's got swagger.

And finally it's Ross, a red-headed lothario form the North East.

-I'm thinking...Mick Hucknall.

-One of UK's premier daters.

He's an engineer and enjoys...

Wait, wait. Mick Hucknall is not an engineer, J.

He's a very, very sensual man.

And here's the man with the golden guns...

GUNSHOTS

..it's referee Bentley.

-I'm being told he's actually got some very sad news for us.

-Oh, what?

Gentlemen, welcome to the Date Zone.

You join us on a sad day for the dating world.

A legendary dater and five-time World Series Champion Randy Cummings

died this morning, aged 93.

I need you guys to join me in a moment of silence

to remember a great man.

(SIGHS)

He dates with the gods now.

-All right, fellers.

-Let's do it for Randy.

To your dates!

It's a very sad day.

Apparently Randy was very much regarded as the father

of competitive dating, a true master of the game.

I'm told that he died doing what and indeed who he loved.

-That's beautiful.

-Actually...

thinking about it,

I guess that makes our own Doyle the world's number one living dater.

But anyway, Randy Cummings will always be number one in our hearts.

Back up a little bit. What did you say?

I suppose you're now the world's number one.

I hadn't thought about it, but I guess I am.

But it's not really the time, is it?

I guess I am! How about that? Yes!

OK. I think we should also show our respect with a moment's silence.

(LAUGHS) I've got to tell you... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I TOLD you this day was coming, Cummings! (LAUGHS)

You old bastard! Woo!

Number one! God! Feels good. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Randy Cummings, good man.

But...fuck you.

Well, that's that ruined. Let's go into the Date Zone.

-So where are you from, Ava?

-I'm from Iran. How about you?

-You're from where?

-Iran.

-Yvonne?

-Iran?

-Iran, oh, sorry.

-No, don't worry.

That's very foolish of me. What are you doing in the UK at the moment?

-I'm just working as a model.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-I'm not surprised at all - you're beautiful.

-Thank you.

I'm originally from Winchester, but I studied in Cardiff.

-You studied in Cardiff?

-Where you from?

-I'm from Newcastle.

Newcastle?

-Me stepmum is from Cardiff. She raves about it.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I've been there once or twice,

but every time I go to Wales it's always raining.

Yeah, it is always raining.

What's the ideal way for a guy to get you to go to dinner?

Someone who's just really...polite

and quite humble.

I like it when people are good-looking and they don't know it.

I don't like speaking to girls who know that they're good-looking.

It's probably the same. But, erm...

Sorry, rocket is everywhere in my mouth just now.

I feel so rude every time I open my mouth.

So what do you do in your spare time?

In my spare time I like to play golf,

which is probably not too interesting.

-Have you ever played before?

-No, just boring for me.

-It's all about miniature golf, the crazy golf.

-No.

-You never did that, not even when you were a kid?

-No.

I just checked online and can reveal

there are no crazy golf courses in Tehran.

Other things it doesn't have

are Legoland, bouncy castles and Laser Quest.

-Great research, Doyle. Thanks.

-Thank you.

What do you like a guy to come over and say to you?

How would he impress you?

Mmm... Nothing pervy.

I wouldn't like a chat-up line like,

"You're the reason for climate change, you're so hot,"

or something like that.

-I've not heard that before!

-There's been loads.

Please don't use it because you will get a slap.

What's the worst one you've used? Have you used one before?

-I don't use chat-up lines.

-You don't?

-No.

What would you say, apart from hello?

-That isn't allowed to be an answer.

-Nice smile.

-Nice smile?!

-Nice smile. Makes you smile when I say it.

-Yeah!

-With it being a nice smile.

-Seemed like you're being sarcastic.

No, because I've got a cherry face.

I don't think anyone would ever take us for being sarcastic.

I'd say, "Nice smile, my name's Ross, are you having a good night?"

-Did you see what happened?

-No, I was too busy concentrating on what he was saying.

Textbook hair play. Let's take another look.

(IN SLOW MOTION) Seemed like you're being sarcastic.

Hair touching. That is a tell, a clear flirt.

I think Ross is going to be there for a while.

And do you have any idea what Ross said?

They appear to be words.

No, I've been on, like, a major diet and stuff.

Been totally not eating loads of what I used to eat.

-You're on a diet?

-I've lost, like, a stone and a half and stuff.

-Really?

-Yeah, I got totally fat.

-"I got really fat!"

-I did, I got totally fat!

Totally honest, I did get totally fat.

Have you got far to go?

Ooh! Wow!

Another alpha female down there, Doyle.

Oh, this is what these girls train for. They are dominating tonight.

So, Andrew, would you like to do something to impress me?

I'm getting a little bit bored.

Don't sugar-coat it for me!

-I'm trying hard to keep your interest.

-Well, you fail so far.

-I can do the worm.

-What is the worm?

-It's when you do with your body like that.

-OK.

So, probably just like...

Ow!

-Ooh.

-Ah, ah, ah!

-I gotta see that again!

-Yeah.

It's great. One right in the goolies!

He's going to need some ice on those.

-His balls.

-I got that. Yes.

-Are you bored?

-No.

-You're not?

-No, well...

-I'm bored.

-Really?

What can we do to change that?

BUZZER

There we go! There it is! The first blow-out button of the night.

Mike is in trouble here. This has yawn star violation written all over it.

All right, buddy, here's the deal.

You stand up.

Hell, you look like you got some swag, man.

I want to see you swag up that ramp for me, man. Go on, boy, get!

Swag up that ramp, man!

Nice call there, Doyle, but it's not terrible news

because Michael did manage to bank 18,620 points.

-How would you make your date laugh?

-How do I make her laugh?

Like, naturally.

When you're on a date, how would you make the girl laugh?

Would you want someone to tell you jokes and things like that?

-Yeah, I like a guy who can make me laugh.

-OK.

-I think this is really important.

-Yeah?

-Very. To me, it comes first.

Have I turned out to be very unfunny so far?

That is not a wise question to ask.

BUZZER

Potentially a no joke violation here, Doyle.

Yep, he's just not funny.

All right, body, you're going to have a bag of tricks.

Keep pulling out tricks to keep the lady engaged. You haven't done that.

Get moving, boy!

Oh, look, Michael's back.

-I'm Michael. Nice to meet you.

-I'm Marisa.

-Marisa? My apologies.

-That's all right.

-Do you mind if I join you?

-Not at all.

-Thanks.

-What's on your T-shirt?

-Just my ex.

-SHE LAUGHS

-That's your ex-girlfriend?

-No.

No, honestly, random T-shirt.

I actually quite like it. It's quite cool, isn't it?

I actually, as soon as I put it on, I thought,

"What if people are offended by it because it's like...?"

-No. Let me see.

-I'll stand up.

-Yeah, it's quite cool.

-There she is. She's pretty.

-Yeah.

And here is Andrew's replacement - it's 21-year-old Winston.

From what we've seen of Ava tonight, kitty's got claws.

So he needs to be on his toes.

So what are your interests, basically? Do you play sports?

I like swimming, yeah. Sports is one of my favourite...

-Maybe you should teach me how to swim.

-Can you swim?

I can jump into water and that's the last you'll see me.

So you can't swim? No? Oh, my God.

Like, "Can you swim?" "Of course I can swim, beautiful girl, of course I can swim."

-You go in and...

-You don't come out any more!

-That is the last you see from me!

-Yeah, that's quite funny, actually.

I had to do...

an audition for the play Grease.

I got given three or four solos.

-Have you seen the film Grease?

-Yeah.

I was supposed to sing Beauty School Dropout

and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Oh, that's a look off. I can see this one coming.

What would be your tune in karaoke?

Yeah, he's chugging that stuff down - dead man drinking.

-I'm going to buzz now.

-You're going to buzz?

BUZZER

All right, young man. I'm going to need you to get up, man.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, yeah!

That's the second yawn star tonight.

But a healthy 37,060 points on the board for Ross.

But one man's failure is another man's opening - Andrew's back.

-Hi.

-Hi there. I'm Andrew, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. I'm Becca.

-So, Becca, how did your last date go?

-He was so boring.

-He was so boring?

-Yeah.

-So obviously I've got to try quite hard to impress you, then?

-Yes.

Shit! Right. So this should be interesting.

-So, Becca, whereabouts are you from?

-I'm from Bristol.

-You're from Bristol.

-Yeah.

-You don't have a very thick Bristolian accent.

-It'll come out.

-Will it?

-Yeah.

So, previously, have you ever been...

Apart from this experience, have you ever been on a speed date before?

-No way.

-No. Not met any Mr Rights so far?

-Definitely not, no.

-That's a shame.

Well, hopefully maybe I can try and change your opinion.

If it is someone, hopefully myself...

Don't know why I said someone...

You remind me of a cartoon character!

-Who's the cartoon character?

-Don't know!

-You don't know?

-No.

I'm just trying to be enthusiastic so maybe...

You sound like you're like...

-reading from a book or something.

-SHE GIGGLES

Interesting.

SHE LAUGHS

-Didn't make my last date laugh that much.

-Really?

-It was a shame.

-Who did you...?

-I had Ava.

Tough cookie to crumble, that one.

I'd far rather glad to be on a date with you right now anyway.

Oh, that's good.

What are the chances of me becoming bored?

-Don't know. Fair to middling. Depends.

-OK.

I don't know anything about you at all,

so tell me about your upbringing, like, why you're...

That's boring. Let's have a more exciting conversation. Come on.

Because I'm really close to buzzing you, and I don't want to.

-Genuinely?

-Yeah, so stop me from doing it.

How's dating going for you? And I don't mean in this sense,

-I don't mean in this room or anything.

-Rubbish. Next question.

-Why are you single?

-I don't know. Next question.

-How long have you been single for?

-I don't know. Next question.

Oh, a new contender has thrown his hat into the ring.

Why do they do that?

And where do their hats go? And do they even get them back?

No, I think it's a metaphor.

What, like, from outer space?

Next up is Patrick. He's 19 and he's from Northern Ireland.

-Hello, what's your name?

-I'm Patrick. Nice to meet you.

-And you're Charlie.

-Yeah, I am.

-I'm nervous.

-Are you?

-Yeah, really nervous.

-So be nice to you?

I've never done anything like this before so everything's totally new to me.

So what do... Do you live in halls?

Yeah, I live with three other boys and a girl.

And there's four blocks all next to each other.

So it's like 1,000 people something?

Yeah, there's loads of people.

But I know so many of them. Most of them.

I'm staying in halls with 1,000 people as well.

I've pretty much met everyone when I'm out at some stage.

There's a girl like it bumping into that I couldn't remember her name.

-Oh, no.

-And every time...

-What's my name?

Charlie.

SHE LAUGHS

-Yes.

-Oh, my God, you checked!

I just wanted to make sure because the way you laughed,

I was like, "Shit, it's not, is it?"

It's, like, amazing food. It's the best food I've ever had.

I think it is quite a good vintage wine as well. It's from a good year.

-Yeah.

-Great grape.

Just get your nose in there. Really get the full aromas.

I definitely... I can definitely smell

some sort of Ribena-esque...

notes coming through.

That is good wine.

-Doyle, did you know that Andrew is an oenophile?

-Whoa!

-What the hell? I didn't know this show was like that!

-No, no...

-This is a classy show.

-You're not listening.

He's a wine lover, oenophile.

Well, I don't know about that. Sounds disgusting.

You're good so far, but I'm not impressed yet.

With what? Oh, so what do you want me to do?

And I forgot your name.

-My name is Winston.

-Winston.

-And what was my name?

-I don't know.

Hey, love. You never told me.

Cease dating.

All right, buddy. You know what?

I can't believe, man, I almost gave you the nod, man.

You know what it means for me to give you the nod?

That means you the pimp, man. Cat daddy!

You got this dating game in the back of your pocket, man.

But you about to throw it all away, man.

You can't remember the lady's name?

Get yo' ass outta here, man!

-# Don't you remember... #

-That's a Forget She Not violation.

Learning a lady's name is the first thing to learn in date school.

The lovely Poppy Weathers is with him now.

Oh. Sort myself out...before Winston turns up! Hey, Winston.

-Hey, how are you doing?

-I'm all right. I'm concerned about you.

-But you have a smile on your face.

-I always have a smile on my face.

Good, good. So, she put you through your paces.

-Oh, yes, she's something else. She's good.

-You forgot her name.

I can't believe you forgot her name.

-Her name is Ava.

-Her name is Ava.

Say it for me now, five times, very quickly.

Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava!

Good. Don't forget it.

-OK, get back in there and Win...

-I'll win.

-Hopefully.

-..Ston.

I was out last night and never got a chance to read the rules.

-Nearly missed...

-You went out last night?

-Yeah, the pub golf.

So, it's a bad decision, going out the night before a date.

-Yeah, I am really sorry about that.

-You will be!

DOYLE: Heartstopper! Boom!

This means the lady's not sure about the guy. She wants to test him.

It could be a physical challenge, could be a mental one.

-How you doing, young man?

-Not too bad.

I got the language of love for you.

Some of the greatest love words ever written.

I need you to read 'em out, make 'em sound really sweet.

I'll give it a go.

Three, two, one, go.

You know we belong together. You and I, for ever and ever.

No matter where you are, you're my guiding star.

And from the very first moment I saw you, I never felt such emotion.

Like walking on air, just to know that you're there.

Hold me in your arms, don't let me go.

I want to stay for ever, closer each day, home and away.

That's moving, man. That was some good stuff.

-Thank you.

-You've got a future in this game, young man.

-Continue dating.

-Cheers.

Wow, man, that got me here.

Randy would have liked that.

Who wrote those words? Shakespeare? Dickens?

No, it's the theme tune to Home And Away, an Australian soap.

-Wow, sounds like a powerful show. I've got to see it.

-You really don't.

I think I'm going to challenge you.

So, it is another heartstopper. I'm told he's getting the flower play.

Since the beginning of time, the rose has been a symbol of love.

I want you to hand your date this single red rose,

and make it real sensual and erotic.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Marisa, this rose is for you.

I won't get down on one knee.

But this rose is for you.

It's a symbol of beauty.

It's a symbol of love.

I'm not saying I love you,

but I feel that I could grow to love you.

Maybe one day.

And I would like this rose to represent what could come as well.

I feel that it represents you very specially, because you're beautiful.

However, there are some pretty sharp barbs on there, as well.

And I feel that it suits your personality perfectly.

Thank you.

-Thank you.

-How did I do, Boss?

Unbelievable, man. Continue dating.

Did you put this rose down your pants?

No, I made as if to, as if it would be funny,

but I definitely didn't touch... anything with any part of that rose.

Well, he survived, but this was a shaky start.

-And potentially very dangerous. He could have cut his winky.

-His what?

-His Wee Willie Winkle.

-Ah, his penis!

-Don't say it like that.

It's aggressive.

-Penis!

-Don't, please. Please, please.

-PENIS!

-Willy.

-Huh?

-Just... His little...

-You keep calling it that. It's a PENIS!

God, my headache's coming on.

Thunder stick! Meat hammer! Vulcan love whip!

Big Ted and the boys! Skin chimney!

I like it when people...

um...do what I want them to do.

OK, I'll do it. What do you want?

-Jumping?

-Run to that side and run back 15 times.

15 times? Are you having a laugh? Well...

Go on.

There's only, like, three steps in between. One...

No, you've got to do little steps.

-So if I'm going like that?

-Yeah.

15 times. One, two... slower.

-Slower.

-Slower?

-Slower.

-Five.

-I'm pretty sure that's six.

-Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Three.

Four, five...

-Six...

-There you go, that's 15.

High five.

-You were like holding it back here, high five.

-Soz.

-Yeah, all right.

-Thanks for that.

-It's all right.

-I'm not going to press the button now.

-At the moment.

-Not yet. I'm quite out of breath, actually.

-Really?

-Not really. It's more...

-Do you keep fit?

Yeah. Bloody love the gym.

Fantastic dating from Lord Andrew there.

He's been out there a while, and he's doing whatever it takes to stay in play.

THAT is the mark of a champion.

-Reminds me of the time I had to furiously pump...

-Let's not go there!

Let go to Marisa's table instead.

I'm really struggling here.

Are you having a good time, really?

If I say no, Marisa, there's only one thing that could come from that.

-Honestly!

-Are you having a good time?

-There's no hard feelings between us.

-Are you having a good time?

-It's not personal.

-It's not, is it?

It's not personal at all. Let's agree on that.

We're friends, aren't we?

-We're mates.

-Let's push the buzzer together.

No!

Well, Doyle, I suspect that mutual buzz has just

sent ripples through the pro-dating community.

I have never in all my days seen anything like that.

A dumping pact? That is like shooting yourself in the junk!

Oh, my God, I blew my balls off!

-You know what I mean?

-Yes, I think so.

-Yeah.

Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back.

# No mo' no mo', no mo', no mo'... #

What are you still there, boy? Get yo' ass up!

Oh, we are through the looking glass here, people.

Even the officials don't know what that violation was.

Perhaps Poppy can make some sense of this mess.

You survived, just about.

-The flower play?

-Yeah, there and thereabouts.

-I got past that.

-Until you...?

-Not much further after that.

-No.

-She is thornier than most ladies.

-Oh, she'll cut you.

If you were to fall in that bush, you would be minced.

It is very late in the game, but here comes Winston once more.

# I'm on a highway to hell... #

-How are you, Marisa? I'm Winston. Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Are you all right?

-I'm fine, very fine.

-My name's Winston.

-Winston?

-Winston, yeah.

-Where have you got that American accent from?

-From America.

-Yeah, obviously, but where from?

-Boston.

-OK.

I just... Should I start trying to impress you?

-What's your best talent?

-I can sing.

-You can sing?

-A little bit, yeah.

-OK.

-I would love to sing for you.

-Go on, then.

Oh, no!

Tragically, it looks like we'll never get to hear Winston's beautiful singing voice.

Sadly, that signals the end of tonight's dating.

Who has managed to amass the most points?

Only Bentley holds the answer.

All right, fellas.

You young soldiers have been a credit to the dating community on this sad day.

Old Randy would have been proud.

And as we say goodbye to one champion dater,

the time has come to honour one for the future.

The winner is...

..Andrew.

Yes! Yes.

Bloody love the gym.

Irrefutable confirmation that Andrew takes tonight's prize.

Plus probably a place in the final

with a very respectable 47,100 points.

Doyle, your final thoughts on what we've seen tonight?

Randy's passing has tragically been marked by a weird evening of dating.

We've seen a man buzz himself out.

We've seen a member of your Royal Family perform the worm.

He's not the Royal Family - he's just posh.

Shh. Daddy's talking to the people.

But even more important than any of that, I, Doyle McManus,

am now the world's greatest living dater, and I just want to say:

suck it, Cummings! Yeah!