Episode 1 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 1

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, in a mixture of clips, animation and funny phone calls.


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Transcript


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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

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Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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Mr T is on a special mission.

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He's been searching far and wide -

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assembling an army of extraordinary individuals -

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people who boldly venture where others fear to tread -

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people who dare to do things differently -

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people who aren't afraid to ask questions like...

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"Can I fit in that?"

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"What's through that door?" And, "Do I really need a parachute?"

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He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.

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He's found the world's craziest fools.

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Hello, people of Britain. I'm Mr T and you're watching my TV show.

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I've searched all over the world

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and I've found the craziest fools you can imagine.

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I've found fools jumping off stuff.

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I've found fools breaking things.

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I've found fools crashing into other fools.

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I've found so many fools I'm amazed this planet is still turning.

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But enough of this jibber jabber. We can do small talk any time.

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I want to see some action!

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First up, we're going to see some people parking their cars

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in new and exciting ways.

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Put on your seatbelt and strap yourself in.

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It's going to be a riot.

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You're looking at a parking lot in Ontario, Canada.

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The car's looking for somewhere to park.

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As you can see, there's lots of good spaces around.

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That ain't one of them!

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I like this guy - he thinks differently.

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"I ain't going to park where everybody else parks,

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"I'm going to park on top of another car."

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Here's a lady in France who's already parked.

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All she's got to do is reverse out.

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Reverse? Who wants to reverse?

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Why go backwards when you can go forwards?

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Next up, Finland.

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You can tell it's Finland because it's so cold.

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There ain't nobody outside.

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This guy's seeing what it's like to park in a big puddle.

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It's wet!

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Welcome to Spain, or as they say in Spain, "Welcome to Spain."

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That's what the English speaking people in Spain say anyhow.

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This lady is having trouble parking.

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I like her. You know why? Because she perseveres.

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You should never quit. Quitters never win.

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OK, lady, you should quit now.

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Come on! You can get a tank in there!

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What do you do when you ain't got change for a parking meter?

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Boom!

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What does it look like from a different angle?

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Similar.

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Our next piece of television is from right here in the UK.

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This fool has parked in a no parking zone,

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right in front of someone's garage.

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Here comes the owner. He's old and he's angry.

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What is he going to do?

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That's right.

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He's going to push that car right into the road.

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# Move, bitch, get out the way... #

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The message here, don't mess with this guy!

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Our next lesson comes from Poland.

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Don't sneeze when you're at the wheel or this happens.

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# Get out the way, bitch, get out the way

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# Move, bitch, get out the way

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# Get out the way bitch, get out the way... #

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She ain't going to have no trouble finding her car.

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"Where did I leave it again?

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"Oh, yeah, at the end of that massive trail of destruction."

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More parallel parking - this time from Russia.

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I'm starting to think bright yellow is a good colour for this lady's car.

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We can all see her and get out of the way when she's coming.

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# Move, bitch, get out the way, get out the way, bitch... #

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Here's a tip.

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When you find your parking space,

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don't waste time with jibber jabber, otherwise this could happen.

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I like this woman's style.

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I also like her convertible. Convertibles are great.

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I like the feel of the wind rushing through my hair

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when I'm driving down the road.

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HE GRUNTS

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Next up, this happens.

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# Get out the way, bitch, Get out the way

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# Move, bitch, get out the way Get out the way, bitch... #

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That garage door closed too soon! It will not make that mistake again.

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OK, now that we know HOW not to park,

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let's find out WHERE not to park.

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Here's five places you shouldn't put a vehicle. Listen up.

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Number one, on a boat.

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As a general rule, if you can hear seagulls and smell cod,

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it's probably not a good place to park.

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Number two, in a pothole.

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If you find a pothole like this on your road,

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write a letter to the council.

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Sign it "yours angrily" so they know you're angry.

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Number three, on a house.

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Next time you want to borrow a cup of sugar,

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just ring the doorbell like everyone else.

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Number four, in the gutter.

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This may look like a good way to hide from traffic wardens,

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but it isn't.

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They'll find you and give you an extra big ticking off.

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Number five, in a shop.

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It doesn't matter how much you want that can of fruity juice,

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if you can't find a parking space on the street,

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go back home and take the bus instead.

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Now, how many times have I got to tell you people? Crime don't pay!

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Now, this is you and this is Mr T.

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Now, if you do a crime, this is what's going to happen.

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Now, only if these dummies had listened.

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London, England. This guy thinks he can walk in and rob a bank.

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Wrong! The alarm goes off and he tries to make a run for it.

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He doesn't realise that it's a pull door.

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Watch when his hat comes off.

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There goes your disguise, sucker!

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Here's another disguise.

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This crook has put a bag over his head.

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Advantage, no-one knows who he is.

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Disadvantage, he can't see.

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ALARM

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This guy turned out to be the security guard of the store.

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When your security guard needs a security guard,

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it's time to find a new security guard.

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Here's another law-breaker

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who thinks he can take someone's money and get away with it.

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He's not happy with the dollar bills,

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he tries to steal the whole till.

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Man, these guys make me so angry!

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I just want to reach into the television and give this guy a slap around the face.

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This guy has been caught on camera breaking into a golf shack.

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Once he's in, he can't get back out.

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While you're trying to open that window, let me tell you what it's going to be like in prison.

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It's going to be hard. It's going to be lonely.

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Some big guys are going to come up to you and tell you they want to be your friends.

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But you want to stay away from them.

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I got carried away. The point is, don't steal stuff!

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Here's another dumb criminal.

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Course he's dumb - all criminals are dumb.

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This one walks into a bank in Arkansas and hands over a note

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demanding money.

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He obviously didn't do his homework - he doesn't notice

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there's a cop sitting right behind him!

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That's right. The two of them are going to tango all the way to the police station.

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This house is being robbed.

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The burglars are about to make their getaway...

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straight into the pond!

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How do you feel now, toerag?

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This is a pharmacy in Florida.

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Looks like crime figures are through the roof again!

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Fools profess to be wise but they are ignorant.

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They can't DO no better because they don't KNOW no better!

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They are fools!

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The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and fools have wasted theirs.

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This guy had better head straight to the aspirin aisle

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because he's going to have a huge headache in the morning!

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Here's a burglar trying to escape the law by climbing a fence.

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This is the definition of being caught with your pants down!

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You dumb fool! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

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This crook breaks in a door, runs in, grabs some money

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and then tries to run out a different door!

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All doors for this guy lead to the same place - jail!

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Those law-breaking fools deserve everything that's coming to them.

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Have a listen to this.

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A man in Iran was arrested after

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one of the worst thought-through bank robberies in history.

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During one busy lunch-hour, the hapless thief entered the bank

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and began snatching money from customers' hands.

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He was quickly overpowered and the police were sent for.

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The man was surprised and confused to find himself arrested.

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As he later explained to the court,

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he had paid a wizard £290 to make him invisible,

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which should have allowed him to rob the bank to his heart's content.

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Amazingly, the wizard's spell hadn't worked

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and the man instead found himself facing a long prison sentence.

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Now, I know what you're thinking. In a world where criminals are this dumb,

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why don't they get caught all the time? Why ain't they in jail? Here's the answer.

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I like the police. They play a valuable role in society.

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They work hard to do that. In fact, they work so hard

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it's no wonder they make mistakes from time to time.

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This cop pulled the driver over for speeding.

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He's about to write him a ticket. Watch what happens next.

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That's right. He locks himself out of his car,

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then offers the driver a deal.

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"Drop me off at the police station and I'll forget about the ticket."

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Frisking is an important part of police work.

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Just make sure when you're frisking someone

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you don't get too frisky yourself.

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This is all kinds of wrong.

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We're going to have to kick this door in.

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Next up, a cop notices a house on fire.

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He decides the best way to alert the owners

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is by smashing all the windows in.

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Police Department! Your house is on fire! Come out!

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Police Department!

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-What is the burning for?

-I don't know. Come on out.

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-Is there anybody else in the house with you?

-No.

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We got the Fire Department on route. Come on out, ma'am.

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Unfortunately, he then finds out that he's been smashing

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the windows in the wrong house.

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OK, there's one occupant in the house. I'm getting her out right now.

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OK. That's the house next to it, Todd.

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The one that's on fire is over here.

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It's the house next door that's on fire. Error!

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He kicked the door in on the wrong house.

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I knocked all the windows out of this lady's house.

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I thought it was on fire but it turned out it was the house next to it.

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-How do we write this one up?

-You're the supervisor, you tell me.

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Well, I want to thank you for alerting me about the fire.

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-Well, I...

-Even though it wasn't my house.

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Our next clip comes from Russia.

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You can tell it's Russia because everyone is wearing a hat.

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These riot police have just loaded a couple of troublemakers into the back of a van.

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In a situation like this,

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you need discipline, control and tactics. You also need locks.

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Where did they go?

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Costa Rica.

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Take a look at these guys who think they're pretty tough.

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Boom! Look after your head, people.

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It's where all the happy thoughts are made.

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This policeman pulled a guy over for reckless driving.

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He gets out of his cop car, but he forgets to put his handbrake on.

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Morning. Can I see your driver's licence and insurance, please?

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-I pulled you over to stop cutting corners... Oh,

-BLEEP.

-Goddammit.

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Ah!

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-Ah,

-BLEEP, BLEEP.

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BLEEP

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-Goddammit!

-BLEEP.

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Don't worry. The guy in the other car ain't going nowhere.

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He's too busy laughing.

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Whatever you've seen here today, you should respect the police.

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They have to deal with dumb people on a daily basis.

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Take a listen to this.

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You see, people. That's why you need to pay attention at school.

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If you can't spell, you'll never excel!

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The human body is a beautiful thing.

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Sometimes you just want to show it off.

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It doesn't always work out, though. Take a look at these sexy fools.

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RAP MUSIC

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The Netherlands in Holland.

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Something exciting is about to go down.

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THEY SPEAK DUTCH

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THEY SHOUT IN DUTCH

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I guess we've all learned some Dutch today.

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San Francisco.

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This girl in the window is shaking her bootie to Lady Gaga.

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LOUD MUSIC

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Oh-ho, ho, ho!

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Her butt just broke the window.

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Don't worry. She's still dancing. She's fine.

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It's the window pane that's in window pain.

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Next up, this happens.

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Listen up, ladies. Gravity don't care how hot you are.

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You mess with gravity, you lose.

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I'll say stick to your day job.

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Unless your day job is pole dancing, in which case, give it up.

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But let's not judge these sexy fools.

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I guess some people are just lonely. Have a listen to this.

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PHONE RINGS

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DIALLING TONE

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That woman was arrested and charged with wasting police time.

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She got a date all right - a date with justice.

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That was exciting! What's next?

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Now if you ever worked in a warehouse,

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you'll know that driving a forklift ain't easy, unless you're me of course.

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But then, I can drive anything cos I'm Mr T.

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But for those of you who ain't Mr T, here's the rules for forklift fools.

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Rule number one - don't go messing around and breaking stuff.

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Rule number two - don't go driving your forklift through a space

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you ain't going to be able to drive it through.

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Looks like now would be a good time to take lunch.

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Rule number three - this is a serious piece of machinery, don't go showing off.

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Luckily, he was wearing his high-visibility jacket

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so we all saw him land on his butt.

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Rule number four - if you're loading up a truck,

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make sure the truck knows you're loading up the truck

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so it doesn't drive away and leave you on your face.

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Rule number five - forklifts work better when standing up.

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They ain't so good on their sides.

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Don't worry - he's OK.

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Rule number six - don't go driving indoors with your forks up. This fool did.

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And now look at him. He's set off the sprinklers.

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I was only going to do six rules,

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but this guy is making so many errors I'm going to have to add another one.

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Rule seven - be careful when using ladders.

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Rule eight - don't mess around with things you don't know about.

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Don't be this guy, just be someone else. It's easier.

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Rule nine - keep your foot away from the accelerator.

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Were fools born that way?

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No, some were born losers, lunatics, jerks, idiots, morons,

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suckers, dimwits, nitwits, halfwits, misfits,

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derelicts, dingbats, bimbos, winos, weirdoes.

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That's right!

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That's the end of the show. Did you enjoy it? Say yes. Good.

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Before I let you leave, I would like to share my final thought.

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Wise men talk because they have something to say.

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Fools talk because they have to say something.

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See you next time. So long, suckers.

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# I pity the fool

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# I said I pity the fool

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# Well, I pity the fool, yeah

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# I said I pity the fool

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# That falls in love with you

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# And expects you to be true

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# Oh, I pity the fool... #

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

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Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglars to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls... and is not for sissies.


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