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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.
Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,
you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.
Mr T is on a special mission.
He's been searching far and wide -
assembling an army of extraordinary individuals -
people who boldly venture where others fear to tread -
people who dare to do things differently -
people who aren't afraid to ask questions like...
"Can I fit in that?"
"What's through that door?" And, "Do I really need a parachute?"
He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.
He's found the world's craziest fools.
Hello, people of Britain. I'm Mr T and you're watching my TV show.
I've searched all over the world
and I've found the craziest fools you can imagine.
I've found fools jumping off stuff.
I've found fools breaking things.
I've found fools crashing into other fools.
I've found so many fools I'm amazed this planet is still turning.
But enough of this jibber jabber. We can do small talk any time.
I want to see some action!
First up, we're going to see some people parking their cars
in new and exciting ways.
Put on your seatbelt and strap yourself in.
It's going to be a riot.
You're looking at a parking lot in Ontario, Canada.
The car's looking for somewhere to park.
As you can see, there's lots of good spaces around.
That ain't one of them!
I like this guy - he thinks differently.
"I ain't going to park where everybody else parks,
"I'm going to park on top of another car."
Here's a lady in France who's already parked.
All she's got to do is reverse out.
Reverse? Who wants to reverse?
Why go backwards when you can go forwards?
Next up, Finland.
You can tell it's Finland because it's so cold.
There ain't nobody outside.
This guy's seeing what it's like to park in a big puddle.
Welcome to Spain, or as they say in Spain, "Welcome to Spain."
That's what the English speaking people in Spain say anyhow.
This lady is having trouble parking.
I like her. You know why? Because she perseveres.
You should never quit. Quitters never win.
OK, lady, you should quit now.
Come on! You can get a tank in there!
What do you do when you ain't got change for a parking meter?
What does it look like from a different angle?
Our next piece of television is from right here in the UK.
This fool has parked in a no parking zone,
right in front of someone's garage.
Here comes the owner. He's old and he's angry.
What is he going to do?
He's going to push that car right into the road.
# Move, bitch, get out the way... #
The message here, don't mess with this guy!
Our next lesson comes from Poland.
Don't sneeze when you're at the wheel or this happens.
# Get out the way, bitch, get out the way #
# Move, bitch, get out the way
# Get out the way bitch, get out the way... #
She ain't going to have no trouble finding her car.
"Where did I leave it again?
"Oh, yeah, at the end of that massive trail of destruction."
More parallel parking - this time from Russia.
I'm starting to think bright yellow is a good colour for this lady's car.
We can all see her and get out of the way when she's coming.
# Move bitch, get out the way, get out the way, bitch... #
Here's a tip.
When you find your parking space,
don't waste time with jibber jabber, otherwise this could happen.
I like this woman's style.
I also like her convertible. Convertibles are great.
I like the feel of the wind rushing through my hair
when I'm driving down the road.
Next up, this happens.
# Get out the way, bitch, Get out the way
# Whoa, bitch, get out the way Get out the way, bitch... #
That garage door closed too soon! It will not make that mistake again.
OK, now that we know how not to park,
let's find out where not to park.
Here's five places you shouldn't put a vehicle. Listen up.
Number one, on a boat.
As a general rule, if you can hear seagulls and smell cod,
it's probably not a good place to park.
Number two, in a pothole.
If you find a pothole like this on your road,
write a letter to the council.
Sign it "yours angrily" so they know you're angry.
Number three, on a house.
Next time you want to borrow a cup of sugar,
just ring the doorbell like everyone else.
Number four, in the gutter.
This may look like a good way to hide from traffic wardens,
but it isn't.
They'll find you and give you an extra big ticking off.
Number five, in a shop.
It doesn't matter how much you want that can of fruity juice,
if you can't find a parking space on the street,
go back home and take the bus instead.
Now, how many times have I got to tell you people? Crime don't pay!
Now, this is you and this is Mr T.
Now, if you do a crime, this is what's going to happen.
Now, only if these dummies had listened.
London, England. This guy thinks he can walk in and rob a bank.
Wrong! The alarm goes off and he tries to make a run for it.
He doesn't realise that it's a pull door.
Watch when his hat comes off.
There goes your disguise, sucker!
Here's another disguise.
This crook has put a bag over his head.
Advantage, no-one knows who he is.
Disadvantage, he can't see.
This guy turned out to be the security guard of the store.
When your security guard needs a security guard,
it's time to find a new security guard.
Here's another law-breaker
who thinks he can take someone's money and get away with it.
He's not happy with the dollar bills,
he tries to steal the whole till.
Man, these guys make me so angry!
I just want to reach into the television and give this guy a slap around the face.
This is a Radio Shack in Indiana, USA.
You don't have Radio Shack in Britain.
You got Dixons and Curry's and PC World, but that's not the point.
The point is this guy's trying to rob it,
only he's too dumb to hold onto the money.
Instead, he keeps dropping it all on the floor.
Now he lets it go all over the street outside.
You better get better with your hands, sucker,
cos where you're going you don't want to be dropping anything. Believe me!
If you want to be a robber, here's a tip.
Get used to the sound of alarms.
If they scare you, you're probably in the wrong line of business.
Look at this fool.
He walks into the grocery store and starts waving a shotgun around.
Then he leaves the shotgun on the counter and the owner grabs it.
It ain't no fun when the owner got the gun.
This crook breaks in a door, runs in, grabs some money
and then tries to run out a different door!
All doors for this guy lead to the same place - jail!
Those law-breaking fools deserve everything that's coming to them.
Have a listen to this.
A man in Iran was arrested after
one of the worst thought-through bank robberies in history.
During one busy lunch-hour, the hapless thief entered the bank
and began snatching money from customers' hands.
He was quickly overpowered and the police were sent for.
The man was surprised and confused to find himself arrested.
As he later explained to the court,
he had paid a wizard £290 to make him invisible,
which should have allowed him to rob the bank to his heart's content.
Amazingly, the wizard's spell hadn't worked
and the man instead found himself facing a long prison sentence.
Now, I know what you're thinking. In a world where criminals are this dumb,
why don't they get caught all the time? Why ain't they in jail? Here's the answer.
I like the police. They play a valuable role in society.
They work hard to do that. In fact, they work so hard
it's no wonder they make mistakes from time to time.
This cop pulled the driver over for speeding.
He's about to write him a ticket. Watch what happens next.
That's right. He locks himself out of his car,
then offers the driver a deal.
"Drop me off at the police station and I'll forget about the ticket."
Frisking is an important part of police work.
Just make sure when you're frisking someone
you don't get too frisky yourself.
This is all kinds of wrong.
This is a Glock 40.
50 Cent, Too Short, all of them talk about a Glock 40.
OK, I'm the only one in this room professional enough
and I know I'll be careful with the Glock 40.
-I'm the only...
Don't worry. Is everybody all right?
Let's hope he's not too sore in the morning.
We're going to have to kick this door in.
Next up, a cop notices a house on fire.
He decides the best way to alert the owners
is by smashing all the windows in.
Police Department! Your house is on fire! Come out!
-What is the burning for?
-I don't know. Come on out.
-Is there anybody else in the house with you?
We got the Fire Department on route. Come on out, ma'am.
Unfortunately, he then finds out that he's been smashing
the windows in the wrong house.
OK, there's one occupant in the house. I'm getting her out right now.
OK. That's the house next to it, Todd.
The one that's on fire is over here.
It's the house next door that's on fire. Error!
He kicked the door in on the wrong house.
I knocked all the windows out of this lady's house.
I thought it was on fire but it turned out it was the house next to it.
-How do we write this one up?
-You're the supervisor, you tell me.
Well, I want to thank you for alerting me about the fire.
-Even though it wasn't my house.
Our next clip comes from Russia.
You can tell it's Russia because everyone is wearing a hat.
These riot police have just loaded a couple of troublemakers into the back of a van.
In a situation like this,
you need discipline, control and tactics. You also need locks.
Where did they go?
Take a look at these guys who think they're pretty tough.
Boom! Look after your head, people.
It's where all the happy thoughts are made.
This policeman pulled a guy over for reckless driving.
He gets out of his cop car, but he forgets to put his handbrake on.
Morning. Can I see your driver's licence and insurance, please?
I pulled you over to stop cutting corners... Oh, shit. Goddammit.
Ah, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Goddammit! Son of a bitch!
Don't worry. The guy in the other car ain't going nowhere.
He's too busy laughing.
Whatever you've seen here today, you should respect the police.
They have to deal with dumb people on a daily basis.
Take a listen to this.
You see, people. That's why you need to pay attention at school.
If you can't spell, you'll never excel!
The human body is a beautiful thing.
Sometimes you just want to show it off.
It doesn't always work out, though. Take a look at these sexy fools.
The Netherlands in Holland.
Something exciting is about to go down.
THEY SPEAK DUTCH
THEY SHOUT IN DUTCH
I guess we've all learned some Dutch today.
This girl in the window is shaking her bootie to Lady Gaga.
Oh-ho, ho, ho!
Her butt just broke the window.
Don't worry. She's still dancing. She's fine.
It's the window pane that's in window pain.
Listen up, ladies. Gravity don't care how hot you are.
You mess with gravity, you lose.
I'll say stick to your day job.
Unless your day job is pole dancing, in which case, give it up.
Hey, what's going on? This is...
And finally, we are off to Jamaica to meet a man called Rick.
His name is Rick and where you from, Rick?
He's been a member of Hedonism II for how many years again?
-How many times you say you've been here?
40 times. What brings you to Hedonism that many times?
The wild women. The wild women, the ripping and the tearing, the ripping and the tearing.
-That's what I'm talking about.
-That's what I'm talking about. So what have you done to...
There's no other place in this universe like Hedonism II.
None. None. You hear that? You hear that?
You hear that? Do your dance. Do your dance.
Do you see this is a... This is a...
Now, ladies... I mean, I can't comment, but...
I got nothing to say...
For more of Hedonism II. Be there.
Ripping and tearing!
I'll be ripping and tearing my eyes out
so I don't have to watch that any more.
But let's not judge these sexy fools.
I guess some people are just lonely. Have a listen to this.
That woman was arrested and charged with wasting police time.
She got a date all right - a date with justice.
That was exciting... What's next?
Now if you ever worked in a warehouse,
you'll know that driving a forklift ain't easy, unless you're me of course.
But then, I can drive anything cos I'm Mr T.
But for those of you who ain't Mr T, here's the rules for forklift fools.
Rule number one - don't go messing around and breaking stuff.
Rule number two - don't go driving your forklift through a space
you ain't going to be able to drive it through.
Looks like now would be a good time to take lunch.
Rule number three - this is a serious piece of machinery, don't go showing off.
Luckily, he was wearing his high visibility jacket
so we all saw him land on his butt.
Rule number four - if you're loading up a truck,
make sure the truck knows you're loading up the truck
so it doesn't drive away and leave you on your face.
Rule number five - forklifts work better when standing up.
They ain't so good on their sides.
Rule number six - don't go driving indoors with your forks up. This fool did.
And now look at him. He's set off the sprinklers.
I was only going to do six rules,
but this guy is making so many errors I'm going to have to add another one.
Rule seven - be careful when using ladders.
Rule eight - don't mess around with things you don't know about.
Don't be this guy, just be someone else. It's easier.
Rule nine - keep your foot away from the accelerator.
Were fools born that way?
No, some were born losers, lunatics, jerks, idiots, morons,
suckers, dimwits, nitwits, halfwits, misfits,
derelicts, dingbats, bimbos, winos, weirdoes.
That's the end of the show. Did you enjoy it? Say yes. Good.
Before I let you leave, I would like to share my final thought.
Wise men talk because they have something to say.
Fools talk because they have to say something.
See you next time. So long, suckers.
# I pity the fool
# I said I pity the fool
# Well, I pity the fool, yeah
# I said I pity the fool
# That falls in love with you
# And expects you to be true
# Oh, I pity the fool... #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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