Episode 7 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 7

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools - from dumb drivers to reckless teens - in a mixture of clips, animation and funny phone calls.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

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Although nobody was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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Last year, Mr T went on a mission.

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He scoured the globe to find the world's craziest fools.

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Those people with a lack of common sense,

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a terrifying disregard for health and safety,

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and whose favourite question is, "What's the worst that can happen?"

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And you loved it.

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But now, you want more and you want them crazier and even more foolish.

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So once again, Mr T has delivered

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an array of the world's least talented people.

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This is...

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Look at my face.

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Do this like a happy face?

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This is not a happy face.

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You know why?

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Cos I just seen what's coming up on this week's show.

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We got fools jumping out of planes, fools crashing tanks,

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fools filming other fools riding bicycles over cliffs.

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I'm amazed there's anyone left to watch the show.

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For the record, this is my happy face.

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Have you ever looked up into the sky and thought how great it would be

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if you could fly?

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For most people, that's where that thought ends.

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Not for our next bunch of champions.

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They launch themselves into the air

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and were surprised when they came right back down almost immediately.

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Watch and laugh.

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New Year's Eve.

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This guy New Year's resolution is to be more of an idiot.

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I think he's going to pull it off.

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If a biker falls over in the woods and there's no-one to hear him...

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YELPING

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..does he make a noise?

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The answer is yes.

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YELPING

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You just heard it.

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Next clip.

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News flash, numbskull.

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Bikes have two wheels.

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You try and skimp on wheels, you suffer.

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HEAVY METAL MUSIC

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A musical festival in Hungary land.

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They say three is a crowd, try telling that to this guy.

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I admire this man's courage,

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but there's got to be a better way to catch salmon.

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Jump it!

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SCREAMING

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Oh-ho-ho, my God!

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Argentina land.

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Here are two planks,

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fighting it out for plank of the year.

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They both lose.

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This sucker thinks he's going to jump his bike over some railings.

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Is he going to do it?

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Take a look at the title of this show.

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It ain't called The World's Greatest Achievers.

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There are two types of people in the world.

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Those who are unable to successfully launch themselves out of a cannon

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and Mr T.

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You should find out which of those types you are

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before attempting this.

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Don't worry. He's OK.

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Russia. You are looking at a guy jumping up and down on a trampoline.

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Now you are looking at a guy falling off a trampoline.

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This clip takes me back to Mexico, 1984.

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I was trapped in a warehouse, surrounded by bad guys...

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..with nothing but a bicycle and some parachute canvas

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and an old car engine.

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You know what I did?

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Built myself a horse.

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Rode that thing all the way across the border.

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Don't worry. He's OK.

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OK, get some Barry White on the stereo,

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light some candles, and take off your socks.

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Then slip over on the laminate floor,

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land on the stereo, knock over the candles.

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It's time for some sexy fools. Oh, yeah!

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SCREAMING

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The wheel is a great thing.

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It helps you get from A to B, and B is a good place unless I'm at B.

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And if I'm at B, you don't want to be at B.

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You want to get back to A or maybe move to C.

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In fact, go to D.

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D is the safest place to be.

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Anyway, the point is, wheels are good -

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unless you misuses them like these chumps.

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Cycling can be a dangerous pastime.

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Always remember to wear a helmet.

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This kid is wearing a helmet, which he's going to be thankful for

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when he smashes his knees on those rocks below.

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You're about to witness a quick and cheap way to get a nose job.

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I don't advise it.

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This is a chase scene.

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Some of my best memories involve chasing someone.

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CRASH!

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This don't look like it's going to be a good memory for this guy.

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He's not going to remember anything at all.

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This sucker's trying to ride a dirt bike.

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Why do they call it a dirt bike?

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Cos you end up in the dirt.

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That's a pretty funny joke I just did.

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You'd better be laughing.

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In Portugal now.

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This guy riding his skateboard at high speed on a busy road.

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He's doing pretty well under the circumstances.

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The circumstances being that his brain is made of peas!

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Crashing your bike in front of lots of people

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is painful and humiliating.

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It's pain-miliating.

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That's a new word I just made up.

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I like it. I'm going to find every dictionary in the world

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and write it in.

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Don't take it offence if I call you a chump, fool.

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This clip was brought to you by the letters A and E.

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Our next clip is from Australia.

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It's hard to ride a bicycle in Australia cos it's upside-down!

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More often than not,

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you're going to end up falling into a shed, like this guy.

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They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget it.

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Either this dummy forgot

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or he never learned how to ride a bicycle in the first place.

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One thing I'll say about this kid, he really throws himself into it.

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Bam!

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Pain-miliating!

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That's that word again.

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If you don't know what it means, look it up in your dictionary.

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It's hard to believe, but even Mr T makes mistakes.

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I remember it vividly.

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It was 1998, I put on a sweater when it was sunny outside

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and I got too hot.

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There's not a day goes by when I don't think about it.

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Sure, I can laugh about it now...

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No. It's too soon.

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The point is, nobody's perfect.

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Not even these highly-trained army guys.

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First up, a rifle drill in Poland.

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Keep your eye on the guy in the front row,

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three from the left.

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That's only so many times you can tell a guy

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that his beret don't suit him before you have to take drastic action.

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GUNSHOT

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GUNSHOT

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Next up, Russia,

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where these soldiers are proving that given the chance,

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they can turn anything into a weapon. Even a wheelbarrow.

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At ease, Sergeant.

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A United Nations tank being loaded onto a truck in Bosnia.

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Don't you hate it when that happens to your tank?

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What do you mean, you don't have a tank?

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I thought everybody had a tank.

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This Chinese soldier is practising his grenade throwing.

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As you can see, it's not his strong point.

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Luckily, he's good at hurling himself down

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and curling up into a little ball.

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France. This soldier is disproving the mantra

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that his rifle is his best friend.

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His rifle clearly hates him.

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He'll be lucky if it gives him the time of day.

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And finally, how do you know if your mortar fails to launch properly?

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If everyone around you is screaming

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and running in the opposite direction,

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that's probably a good clue.

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And now a word from our sponsors.

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Mr T is proud to present a new product from T-Industries.

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Is your house all trashed up?

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Or your microwave totally exploded?

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Has someone mangled your fence?

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It could be that you've got a fool infestation.

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Over 80% of British households in Britain

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have a wild fool running around all crazy,

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which is why we at T-Industries have developed

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the Fool Net.

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The Fool Net is a simple device

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that helps you catch the idiot running around your house.

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Easy to erect, you just put it up and let the net do the rest.

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Available in two different sizes, the Fool Net costs just 9.99

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and can be delivered straight to your home.

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Fool Net - erects in seconds, protects for a lifetime.

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One month guarantee.

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T-Industries is not responsible for any non-fools caught in the Fool Net

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excluding leading sportsmen and opera singers.

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T-Industries - making it all better since the 1980s.

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Hey, you. Yes, you.

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Put that down and concentrate on this.

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Most fools only got themselves to blame,

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but some are a danger to others and that ain't funny.

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It's quite funny.

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It's not funny at all. Have a listen to this.

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The following is a true story.

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A West Virginian man

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decided to take a long-standing termite infestation in his home

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into his own hands.

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Opting against expensive professional solutions,

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he decided that DIY fumigation was the best way forward.

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So, turning on all the gas in the house

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and shutting the doors and windows to stop it escaping,

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he retired for the evening to let nature take it's course.

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Emerging the next morning, the man approached the house

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and opened the door to survey his handiwork.

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Unfortunately he was unable to do this,

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as a slight spark caused by the door latch opening

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ignited the gas that now filled his entire house.

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It was immediately engulfed in a gigantic fireball.

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Not only was the man blown into a nearby creek,

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but the telephone and electricity supplies to the town were destroyed

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and the doors blown off the local church.

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The blast was heard up to six miles away.

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The termite nest however, had been destroyed.

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Unfortunately, so had the house.

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The uninsured man received severe burns and an enormous gas bill.

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What do you think about when I say the word snow?

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Fun stuff? I'll bet.

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Happy Christmas scenes,

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with children playing and guys in roll-neck sweaters,

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and girls in pretty red coats?

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Snow is great, right?

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Wrong! Snow is deadly and dangerous.

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The minute you see it you should run inside, lock your doors,

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hide under your beds. Don't believe me?

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Take a look at this.

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First up, this kid is biking on the ice.

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Put your training wheels back on, sucker.

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You still got some learning to do.

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Check this out.

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If I was friends with this guy, I'd follow him around with a camera too.

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Nine times out of ten, you're going to get gold!

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If you're in Finland and you're on a frozen lake,

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remember one thing.

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You're on a frozen lake!

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Are you a penguin?

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No? Then get off the frozen lake.

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This guy's being pulled across the ice on a bed.

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This is not a good use for a bed.

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Beds are for sleepy time only.

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Does this look like sleepy time?

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It does not look like sleepy time.

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Actually, now it looks like sleepy time.

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Don't worry, the only thing that was hurt was his pride.

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Next up, skiing.

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Even going downhill is an uphill struggle when you suck this much.

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This guy's having a pretty good time sledging.

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Whoo!

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When you're having this much fun, who needs a face?

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Check out this Russian dummy. He decided an icy day

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was the best time to take his car out for a quick spin.

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At least he got the spinning bit right.

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Canada.

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Now I don't know who the biggest fool is in this clip.

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This guy laying down, or the guy driving the snowmobile.

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I'm going to call it a tie.

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They both get to go home tonight

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feeling equally ashamed of themselves.

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Finally, we're going to school for a big snowball fight.

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That serves you right for hiding up there on the fifth floor.

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Next time you see a snowball fight,

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go downstairs, pick up some snow and that's how you win a snowball fight.

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School time!

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Hello, and welcome to Mr T's School For Fools.

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I am Mr T and today's lesson is all about geography.

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What is geography?

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It's where things are at.

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Like maybe you're thinking, "Where's France at?" That's geography.

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Maybe you were thinking, "Where's my keys at?"

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That's geography.

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Maybe you were thinking,

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"When did they invent geography?" That's history.

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Forget about history. We're doing geography.

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Now open your books to page one. Where stuff's at.

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This guy doesn't know where the ground is at.

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You should always check and see where the ground is at

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before you start anything.

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So stand up, now look down.

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That's where the ground is at. Geography is easy.

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Class dismissed.

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Back in the '80s, I invented something called swimming.

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Before it, going into the water wasn't much fun.

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People would just sink to the bottom and drown.

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You won't believe what swimming pools were like

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before I invented swimming.

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Anyway, here are some folks who are no good around water.

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This guy's trying to dive into a pool off a plastic stool.

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Don't be sad for the plastic stool.

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It was just its time.

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It had a good life.

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He died doing what he loved.

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These two ladies are trying to get onto a boat in Portugal.

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There are some boats that just don't want to be gotten on.

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If you've got one of those boats, don't try to get on it.

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Just cos your friend's gone and done something stupid,

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doesn't mean you have to go and do something stupid too.

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One dumb chump in any group of friends is more than enough.

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Serbia now.

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And here's a great example of why you should pay attention in school.

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If this man had paid attention in school,

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he would have learned about distance and velocity and gradient

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and he would have built that thing so he'd have landed in the pool.

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But he didn't, and look what happened.

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It's a bad day for physics.

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You see that ladder?

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That ladder is what you're supposed to use

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for climbing into the hot tub.

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If you jump in, you make the floor slippy.

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And if you make the floor slippy, you make the floor slippy.

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That's why this happens.

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Man crosses log.

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Man ends up in the river.

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This is a familiar story.

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This dummy is thinking about jumping from one piece of ice

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to another piece of ice.

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Looks like he got cold feet.

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Also, he's got cold ankles, cold knees, cold thighs.

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Basically, the lower half of his body is all cold.

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This guy thinks carrying a big stick will make him less of a fool.

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Negative.

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There's only one rule when you are water-skiing,

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but it's a pretty basic one.

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Make sure you stay on the water.

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LAUGHTER

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That's it. The show's over.

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Thank you for making this last half an hour

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one of my favourite half-hours of all time.

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I'm going to leave you with this thought -

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you will only regret the things in life that you didn't do,

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not the things you did.

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Now get out there and do some stuff.

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Unless it's late, in which case, get some sleep first.

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See you next week. So long, suckers.

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HE SNARLS

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# I pity the fool

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# I said I pity the fool

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# I pity the fool

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# I said I pity the fool

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# That fall in love with you

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# And expect you to be true

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# Oh, I pity the fool... #

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to reckless teens, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglars to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls - and is not for wimps.


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