Episode 5 World's Craziest Fools

The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

Last year, Mr T went on a mission.

He scoured the globe to find the world's craziest fools -

those people with a lack of common sense,

a terrifying disregard for health and safety,

and whose favourite question is what's the worst that can happen?

And you loved it.

But now, you want more and you want them crazier and even more foolish.

So, once again,

Mr T has delivered an array of the world's least talented people.

This is the World's Craziest Fools -

Return Of The Fools.

Unless I'm mistaken, you're here to see some fools

and I'm never mistaken.

Guess what? You are in luck.

Coming up today, we've got fools fighting things,

fools jumping into things

and fools messing around with things that ain't none of their business.

So sit back, put your feet back and, unless I'm mistaken,

you are going to enjoy this show

and I'm never mistaken.

Did I mention that I'm never mistaken?

They say the most important thing about sports is taking part.

But they are wrong.

The most important thing is protective headgear

and a nearby ambulance.

Watch these clips.

This fool was trying to combine his favourite two sports -

golf and swimming.

Oh, shit.

He's become his very own water hazard. I pity him.

This is a new sport called ball in the face.

It's a short game but a fun one for the kicker.

Not so much for the in the face guy.

Next up, pole vaulting.

This guy jumps over the bar,

then gets hit by the pole in an unfortunate place.

By the way,

there are no fortunate places to be hit by a pole,

but that's especially unfortunate.

This kid's trash-talking a punching bag.

And that's what you trash-talk a punching bag.

You know you ain't cut out for running,

if there's no-one else in the race and you still lose.

Jesus Christ.

Mini golf.

If this was a romcom,

those two were going to fall in love.

But it ain't, it's real life,

so she went to the hospital and he went to jail.

The end.

Now gymnastics.

The thing about crash mats is

they only help the bits of you that land on them.

Don't worry, he's OK.

If you want to be good at sports, you've got to stay focussed.

The middle of the race ain't no time for taking a bath.

Sports first, bath time later.

Here we go, here we go, come on.

Weightlifting now.

Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up. Yeah, there it is.

If you can't lift a big weight, it's time to hit the dumbbells.

Here's a good workout rule.

If the machine you are using is smarter than you,

get out of the gym.

Hurdling.

If you want to get better at sports, what's the harm in practising?

That's the harm.

Right there, between his legs.

Here's three fools having a kick around.

Boom! Right in the Hacky Sack.

If this guy don't end up on his face, I'll eat my shoes.

I'm going to eat my shoes anyway.

I am hungry, and it's two hours till lunch.

Jousting.

This guy's so bad at it,

he don't even have a horse or a shield or an opponent.

This is some bad jousting.

Hammer time.

There's only one thing you've got to remember in the hammer throw

and that's to throw the hammer.

If your mind can't hold that one piece of information,

then you're probably not cut out for the sport.

Time now for a story. Are you sitting comfortably?

You shouldn't be. It's not that kind of a story.

Here's some Fool News.

The following is a true story.

In March 2008, a masked man walked into a Chicago garage

in an attempted hold-up.

18-year-old Ruben Zarate pulled out his gun

and asked staff to hand over whatever money they had on site.

One of the mechanics politely explained that what little

money they did have was in a safe that only the manager could open

and that he would not be back until the afternoon.

Interestingly, Mr Zarate decided that his best option was to leave

his phone number and get the manager to call him when he returned.

Sure enough, later that afternoon, he received a call from

the manager of the garage, so he returned and repeated his request.

However, it turns out Zarate had not been the garage manager's

first call, and this he realised as soon as the two plain-clothes

police officers waiting there for him arrested him.

The next phone call he made was to a lawyer.

This is my driver's licence.

It says I can drive a car, a truck, a motorcycle and a tractor.

A plane, a train, a crane and a horse.

A space shuttle, an oil tanker, a jet ski,

a hoover-craft and an ice cream van.

These next people shouldn't drive any vehicles at all.

They should stay as far away from vehicles as possible.

First up, Pakistan.

If you are taking the bus in Pakistan, here's a tip.

Make sure you sit at the back.

The front gets a little draughty.

I wouldn't put this guy in charge of one car, let alone two.

Whoever put this man in charge of these cars

should not be in charge of putting people in charge of cars.

Don't worry, the only thing that was hurt was his pride

and both cars.

Don't worry about it, sucker,

look at all the other cars you've got in the yard.

Just keep practising till you get it right.

You'll nail it one day.

This U-Haul truck has driven up the road and got stuck.

As you can see, he's also driven right past the sign telling him

not to drive up the road or he will get stuck.

Next time, drive with your eyes open.

Merde.

Our next clip comes from France.

The man behind the camera is saying the word merde a lot.

Merde.

I'll translate that. Merde means hoorah.

Merde.

Merde.

Merde!

This man is celebrating,

because now he doesn't have to drive that stupid car any more.

I can see a stop sign, but I can't see a stop being such a fool sign.

They should add one of those too.

"Hello, do you sell brakes?"

The United Arab Emirates land.

The real tragedy is, this guy was delivering my pizza.

Come on, fool, put those flame out,

get back behind the wheel and bring me my American Hot.

You said 30 minutes or less.

Time is ticking, Papa Joe.

Hey, you, pull up your socks, tuck in your shirt,

straighten your Mohawk, it's school time.

Hello and welcome to Mr T's School For Fools.

Today's lesson is math. What is math?

Math is about numbers.

Numbers are things like 3, 9, 27.

There are others too,

but I haven't got the time to tell you about them all.

We'll call that this week's homework.

Learn all about numbers.

Anyway, here's an example of working with numbers.

A car has four wheels. One of the wheels stopped working.

What are you left with?

The answer?

A car that don't work.

So stop being a stupid fool

and get that thing off the road before you hurt someone.

Class dismissed.

When people have a long week, they go out dancing

and let their hair down.

But these fools are letting more than their hair down.

They're letting us all down.

Oh!

Looks like someone's break-dancing lessons haven't paid off.

Unless that's what they've been teaching him to do.

If that's what they've been teaching him to do,

those are some bad lessons.

Oh!

Are those my arctic camouflage trousers?

You better not split those trousers, fool.

They have been with me through some tough missions.

If it wasn't for those trousers, I would be a dead man.

Why can't these fools use their roof area

for something more worthwhile?

Like having a barbecue or growing some plants

or looking after a beehive.

If what you're doing is less worthwhile

than looking after a beehive,

you should be doing something else.

You've heard the phrase, "Dance like nobody's watching."

Sometime it pays to recognise that people are watching.

And filming.

Some people call this Jazzercise.

I've got another name for it -

ugly. It's just plain ugly.

This guy thinks he's good at getting down.

He is. Look at him.

But I like his style.

And the crowd love it.

What a showman.

There's a fine line between break-dancing...

..and breaking.

Who are these people?

I want names and addresses and photo IDs.

One visit from Mr T, and all this stuff will stop.

I am serious, I want details.

Are you people seeing this too?

I'm not sure that pizza was a good idea.

I think it was a bad pizza.

Oh!

What kind of mushroom did they use on that thing?

Oh!

Oh!

Look what's going on here.

I've seen a lot of jibber-jabber in my time,

but I've never seen it coming out of someone's feet.

If you can't use your feet properly,

take them off and give them to someone who can.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Are you going to keep going until you break something, Alex?

Have a clue.

You are not going to be the great break-dancer you think you are.

Your momma just said it all.

You are good,

but you are not going to get up to those little Asians' level.

Listen to your momma, fool.

Well, it's true. You'll just destroy your body.

Little Asians?

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This is a normal person. This is Mr T.

As you can see, I live life on the edge,

but that's OK, because I can handle it.

Now, if a normal person tries to live life on the edge,

he wouldn't be able to cope.

See?

Now check out these fools who got too close to the edge and fell off.

People who know Mr T, know I'm not a man of many words.

Skiing sucks.

That's it, two words.

Here's a fool trying to play basketball on a scooter.

It can't be much fun being this chump.

He must wake up every day

and worry about what stupid horseplay he's got to think of next.

Gravity is the thing causes you to fall down the hill.

And rocks is the thing causing pain in your face.

Ukrania. Did God give us wheels on our feet?

No, he did not. But imagine if he had.

This kid is living in that world.

Everything would be like, "Whoa, whee, yeah!"

You're the crazy man. Oh, no.

Mexico land. You see that big satellite dish on the roof?

Last year, that thing beamed the first series

of World's Craziest Fools straight into this young man's house.

Did he watch it? I'll let you decide.

Pray for you, brother. Please, don't hurt yourself.

SCREAMING

Oh, shit.

Don't worry, he's OK.

Our next clip also comes from Mexico.

The problem with Mexico is, it's so hot and sunny, it melts your brain.

It's made this kid act all crazy.

That's the bad thing about Mexico.

The good thing is, they've got great beaches

and their burritos are delicious.

France.

This guy and the quad bike have been through some good times

and some bad times.

This is one of the bad times.

Aargh!

But they have gotten through their problems

and now they're having a little cuddle.

That's nice to see.

Over the years,

many great men have played their part in man's quest to fly.

Ah...

These guys are going at it from a whole new angle.

..aaargh!

It's horizontal.

And it's dangerous.

Aaargh!

Don't try this at home.

Aaargh!

Signs are good, because they tell people what to do.

Some of them say stop. Some of them say go.

Some of them don't say either of those things.

It's confusing.

So lucky I'm here with my rules for sign-writing fools.

Mr T's rules for sign-writing fools.

Rule one -

if you have a simple message, have a simple sign.

In many languages.

Rule two -

again, if you have a simple message, refer to rule one.

Rule three -

spell-check.

Rule four -

basically, just get a dictionary.

It's cheaper than a new sign, and you might get to keep your job.

Rule five -

some products need signs to help them sell,

but others should be more of an under-the-counter kind of operation.

And finally, rule six -

whoever you're making signs for, you should really know your onions.

I've always felt that the world is a richer place

for all the different people in it.

Apart from these next guys.

These fools are freaky and need to leave us all alone.

France.

And look at this panda, standing upright

and walking along the street.

That's the problem with nature - it's evolving so fast.

Aaargh!

That's right, lady, you be scared.

You see that smoky thing?

That's called dry ice.

Ice is supposed to be wet,

which is why, if you dry it out, it gets mad.

And it explodes.

Chemistry lesson over.

Next up, Turkey,

where this musical is turning out to be a real turkey.

I've written a musical about my life

called Mr T, The Musical About My Life.

It's the greatest story ever told.

Yo, yo, yo, white bitches, you know you want to talk shit,

you got to back your shit up.

That's all I've got to say to you little, immature, little girls.

If even your own picture of you thinks you suck...

..it's time for a different approach.

This is a microwave.

That was a microwave.

Ow!

Son of a bitch.

You've got to think fast to keep up with this show.

Ow!

An airport in France. Check out this baggage handler.

He's throwing suitcases straight into the garbage truck.

It's either his first day on the job or his last day on the job.

Either way, it's his last day on the job.

Canada land, land.

If you are easily shocked, I suggest you look away now.

In fact, I suggest you look away now anyway.

Nobody needs to see what's about to happen.

You looked, didn't you?

I told you not to look.

Don't worry, I looked too.

Check out this street market in Bangkok.

Only they didn't build it on a street,

they built it right in the middle of a railway line.

TRAIN HORN BLARES

This is a bad example of forward planning.

These people are going to regret that every two or three minutes.

Oh, shit!

Oh, God!

BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP!

-Oh, Jesus!

-BLEEP.

-Oh,

-BLEEP.

-God! Oh,

-BLEEP! BLEEP!

-Lord,

-BLEEP!

-Lord,

-BLEEP!

-BLEEP!

-Whoa! Whoa!

That was awesome!

That was awesome, right there! God damn!

As a demonstration of my martial arts skills,

I'm going to show you my fist of lightning.

That was so fast you might not have seen it.

Let's see it again in slow motion.

Pretty fast, huh?

Get ready for some fools that ain't fit to tie my black belt.

MUSIC: "You're The Best" by Joe Esposito

Canada land, land, land.

A lot of people here don't seem to be looking after their faces.

# Try to be best cos you're only a man

# And a man's got to learn to take it

# Try to believe... #

Faces are important, because that's where

we keep things like our noses and our eyes and our lips.

# Try and you'll succeed... #

So it's not a good idea to let other people kick us there.

# And you can have your dreams

# You're the best around... #

It's not a good idea

to smash ourselves in the face with a plank either.

# You're the best around... #

What did I just say about smashing ourselves in the face with a plank?

You know, some of you people don't deserve to have faces.

This is the green room.

Aaargh!

This is where they put people who are bad at karate.

Aaargh!

If you are struggling to beat your opponent

when he's facing the other way...

..maybe karate's not for you.

# You're the best around

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

# You're the best around... #

There is a time and a place for karate.

The time is not now and the place is not here.

Ah!

There are also people who are built for karate.

She is not one of them.

You get all sorts of belts in karate.

Black belt, white belt, green belt.

But none of those things can help you

when you get kicked in your special place.

Argh!

MUSIC SLOWS TO A HALT

MUSIC RESUMES

You're going to feel some pain.

Argh!

This guy has potential.

Give it one more go.

Argh!

If you want to master the art of karate,

you've got to watch and learn.

# You're the best around... #

You might want to watch from a little further back though.

# You're the best around... #

Our last clip comes from Azerbaijan.

The man in the middle is a karate master.

He's giving off a special energy

that defeats all people who comes his way.

Either that or the people who come his way

are the worst karate people in the world.

Tell that man to come pay me a visit.

We will see who's the master.

# Fight till you drop

# Never stop, can't give up until you reach the top

-# Fight!

-You're the best in town

-# Fight!

-Listen to that sound. #

THEY LAUGH

That's it, it's the end of the show.

It's been a great ride, hasn't it?

We've been on a long road called failure,

but we have stopped at a service station called nearly

and we have made it to a destination called learning.

We have learned that when the world says, "Give up,"

hope whispers, "Give it one more go."

I'll be back next week. So long, suckers.

Oh, wow. Man.

Oh, boy.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd