Episode 5 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 5

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, in a mixture of clips, animation and funny phone calls.


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Transcript


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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

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Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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Last year, Mr T went on a mission.

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He scoured the globe to find the world's craziest fools -

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those people with a lack of common sense,

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a terrifying disregard for health and safety,

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and whose favourite question is what's the worst that can happen?

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And you loved it.

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But now, you want more and you want them crazier and even more foolish.

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So, once again,

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Mr T has delivered an array of the world's least talented people.

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This is the World's Craziest Fools -

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Return Of The Fools.

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Unless I'm mistaken, you're here to see some fools

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and I'm never mistaken.

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Guess what? You are in luck.

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Coming up today, we've got fools fighting things,

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fools jumping into things

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and fools messing around with things that ain't none of their business.

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So sit back, put your feet back and, unless I'm mistaken,

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you are going to enjoy this show

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and I'm never mistaken.

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Did I mention that I'm never mistaken?

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They say the most important thing about sports is taking part.

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But they are wrong.

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The most important thing is protective headgear

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and a nearby ambulance.

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Watch these clips.

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This fool was trying to combine his favourite two sports -

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golf and swimming.

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Oh, shit.

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He's become his very own water hazard. I pity him.

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This is a new sport called ball in the face.

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It's a short game but a fun one for the kicker.

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Not so much for the in the face guy.

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Next up, pole vaulting.

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This guy jumps over the bar,

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then gets hit by the pole in an unfortunate place.

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By the way,

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there are no fortunate places to be hit by a pole,

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but that's especially unfortunate.

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This kid's trash-talking a punching bag.

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And that's what you trash-talk a punching bag.

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You know you ain't cut out for running,

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if there's no-one else in the race and you still lose.

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Jesus Christ.

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Mini golf.

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If this was a romcom,

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those two were going to fall in love.

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But it ain't, it's real life,

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so she went to the hospital and he went to jail.

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The end.

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Now gymnastics.

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The thing about crash mats is

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they only help the bits of you that land on them.

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Don't worry, he's OK.

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If you want to be good at sports, you've got to stay focussed.

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The middle of the race ain't no time for taking a bath.

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Sports first, bath time later.

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Here we go, here we go, come on.

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Weightlifting now.

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Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up. Yeah, there it is.

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If you can't lift a big weight, it's time to hit the dumbbells.

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Here's a good workout rule.

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If the machine you are using is smarter than you,

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get out of the gym.

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Hurdling.

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If you want to get better at sports, what's the harm in practising?

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That's the harm.

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Right there, between his legs.

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Here's three fools having a kick around.

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Boom! Right in the Hacky Sack.

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If this guy don't end up on his face, I'll eat my shoes.

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I'm going to eat my shoes anyway.

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I am hungry, and it's two hours till lunch.

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Jousting.

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This guy's so bad at it,

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he don't even have a horse or a shield or an opponent.

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This is some bad jousting.

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Hammer time.

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There's only one thing you've got to remember in the hammer throw

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and that's to throw the hammer.

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If your mind can't hold that one piece of information,

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then you're probably not cut out for the sport.

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Time now for a story. Are you sitting comfortably?

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You shouldn't be. It's not that kind of a story.

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Here's some Fool News.

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The following is a true story.

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In March 2008, a masked man walked into a Chicago garage

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in an attempted hold-up.

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18-year-old Ruben Zarate pulled out his gun

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and asked staff to hand over whatever money they had on site.

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One of the mechanics politely explained that what little

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money they did have was in a safe that only the manager could open

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and that he would not be back until the afternoon.

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Interestingly, Mr Zarate decided that his best option was to leave

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his phone number and get the manager to call him when he returned.

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Sure enough, later that afternoon, he received a call from

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the manager of the garage, so he returned and repeated his request.

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However, it turns out Zarate had not been the garage manager's

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first call, and this he realised as soon as the two plain-clothes

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police officers waiting there for him arrested him.

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The next phone call he made was to a lawyer.

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This is my driver's licence.

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It says I can drive a car, a truck, a motorcycle and a tractor.

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A plane, a train, a crane and a horse.

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A space shuttle, an oil tanker, a jet ski,

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a hoover-craft and an ice cream van.

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These next people shouldn't drive any vehicles at all.

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They should stay as far away from vehicles as possible.

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First up, Pakistan.

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If you are taking the bus in Pakistan, here's a tip.

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Make sure you sit at the back.

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The front gets a little draughty.

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I wouldn't put this guy in charge of one car, let alone two.

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Whoever put this man in charge of these cars

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should not be in charge of putting people in charge of cars.

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Don't worry, the only thing that was hurt was his pride

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and both cars.

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Don't worry about it, sucker,

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look at all the other cars you've got in the yard.

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Just keep practising till you get it right.

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You'll nail it one day.

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This U-Haul truck has driven up the road and got stuck.

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As you can see, he's also driven right past the sign telling him

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not to drive up the road or he will get stuck.

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Next time, drive with your eyes open.

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Merde.

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Our next clip comes from France.

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The man behind the camera is saying the word merde a lot.

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Merde.

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I'll translate that. Merde means hoorah.

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Merde.

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Merde.

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Merde!

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This man is celebrating,

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because now he doesn't have to drive that stupid car any more.

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I can see a stop sign, but I can't see a stop being such a fool sign.

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They should add one of those too.

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"Hello, do you sell brakes?"

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The United Arab Emirates land.

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The real tragedy is, this guy was delivering my pizza.

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Come on, fool, put those flame out,

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get back behind the wheel and bring me my American Hot.

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You said 30 minutes or less.

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Time is ticking, Papa Joe.

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Hey, you, pull up your socks, tuck in your shirt,

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straighten your Mohawk, it's school time.

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Hello and welcome to Mr T's School For Fools.

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Today's lesson is math. What is math?

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Math is about numbers.

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Numbers are things like 3, 9, 27.

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There are others too,

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but I haven't got the time to tell you about them all.

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We'll call that this week's homework.

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Learn all about numbers.

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Anyway, here's an example of working with numbers.

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A car has four wheels. One of the wheels stopped working.

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What are you left with?

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The answer?

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A car that don't work.

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So stop being a stupid fool

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and get that thing off the road before you hurt someone.

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Class dismissed.

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When people have a long week, they go out dancing

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and let their hair down.

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But these fools are letting more than their hair down.

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They're letting us all down.

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Oh!

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Looks like someone's break-dancing lessons haven't paid off.

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Unless that's what they've been teaching him to do.

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If that's what they've been teaching him to do,

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those are some bad lessons.

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Oh!

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Are those my arctic camouflage trousers?

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You better not split those trousers, fool.

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They have been with me through some tough missions.

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If it wasn't for those trousers, I would be a dead man.

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Why can't these fools use their roof area

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for something more worthwhile?

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Like having a barbecue or growing some plants

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or looking after a beehive.

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If what you're doing is less worthwhile

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than looking after a beehive,

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you should be doing something else.

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You've heard the phrase, "Dance like nobody's watching."

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Sometime it pays to recognise that people are watching.

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And filming.

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Some people call this Jazzercise.

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I've got another name for it -

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ugly. It's just plain ugly.

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This guy thinks he's good at getting down.

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He is. Look at him.

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But I like his style.

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And the crowd love it.

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What a showman.

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There's a fine line between break-dancing...

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..and breaking.

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Who are these people?

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I want names and addresses and photo IDs.

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One visit from Mr T, and all this stuff will stop.

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I am serious, I want details.

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Are you people seeing this too?

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I'm not sure that pizza was a good idea.

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I think it was a bad pizza.

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Oh!

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What kind of mushroom did they use on that thing?

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Oh!

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Oh!

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Look what's going on here.

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I've seen a lot of jibber-jabber in my time,

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but I've never seen it coming out of someone's feet.

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If you can't use your feet properly,

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take them off and give them to someone who can.

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Oh!

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Oh! Oh! Are you going to keep going until you break something, Alex?

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Have a clue.

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You are not going to be the great break-dancer you think you are.

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Your momma just said it all.

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You are good,

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but you are not going to get up to those little Asians' level.

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Listen to your momma, fool.

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Well, it's true. You'll just destroy your body.

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Little Asians?

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And now a word from our sponsors.

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Mr T is proud to present a new product from T-Industries.

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Is your house all trashed up or your microwave totally exploded?

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Has someone mangled your fence?

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It could be that you've got a fool infestation.

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Over 80% of British households in Britain

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have a wild fool running around, all crazy,

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which is why we at T-Industries have developed

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the Fool Net.

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The Fool Net is a simple device that helps you catch

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the idiot running around your house.

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Easy to erect, you just put it up and let the net do the rest.

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Available in two different sizes, the Fool Net costs just 9.99

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and can be delivered straight to your home.

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Fool Net - erects in seconds, protects for a lifetime.

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One-month guarantee.

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T-Industries is not responsible for any non-fools

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caught in the Fool Net, excluding leading sportsmen and opera singers.

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T-Industries, making it all better since the 1980s.

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This is a normal person. This is Mr T.

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As you can see, I live life on the edge,

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but that's OK, because I can handle it.

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Now, if a normal person tries to live life on the edge,

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he wouldn't be able to cope.

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See?

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Now check out these fools who got too close to the edge and fell off.

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People who know Mr T, know I'm not a man of many words.

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Skiing sucks.

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That's it, two words.

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Here's a fool trying to play basketball on a scooter.

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It can't be much fun being this chump.

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He must wake up every day

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and worry about what stupid horseplay he's got to think of next.

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Gravity is the thing causes you to fall down the hill.

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And rocks is the thing causing pain in your face.

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Ukrania. Did God give us wheels on our feet?

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No, he did not. But imagine if he had.

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This kid is living in that world.

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Everything would be like, "Whoa, whee, yeah!"

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You're the crazy man. Oh, no.

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Mexico land. You see that big satellite dish on the roof?

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Last year, that thing beamed the first series

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of World's Craziest Fools straight into this young man's house.

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Did he watch it? I'll let you decide.

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Pray for you, brother. Please, don't hurt yourself.

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SCREAMING

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Oh, shit.

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Don't worry, he's OK.

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Our next clip also comes from Mexico.

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The problem with Mexico is, it's so hot and sunny, it melts your brain.

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It's made this kid act all crazy.

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That's the bad thing about Mexico.

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The good thing is, they've got great beaches

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and their burritos are delicious.

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France.

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This guy and the quad bike have been through some good times

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and some bad times.

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This is one of the bad times.

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Aargh!

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But they have gotten through their problems

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and now they're having a little cuddle.

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That's nice to see.

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Over the years,

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many great men have played their part in man's quest to fly.

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Ah...

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These guys are going at it from a whole new angle.

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..aaargh!

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It's horizontal.

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And it's dangerous.

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Aaargh!

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Don't try this at home.

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Aaargh!

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Signs are good, because they tell people what to do.

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Some of them say stop. Some of them say go.

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Some of them don't say either of those things.

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It's confusing.

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So lucky I'm here with my rules for sign-writing fools.

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Mr T's rules for sign-writing fools.

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Rule one -

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if you have a simple message, have a simple sign.

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In many languages.

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Rule two -

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again, if you have a simple message, refer to rule one.

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Rule three -

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spell-check.

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Rule four -

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basically, just get a dictionary.

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It's cheaper than a new sign, and you might get to keep your job.

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Rule five -

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some products need signs to help them sell,

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but others should be more of an under-the-counter kind of operation.

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And finally, rule six -

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whoever you're making signs for, you should really know your onions.

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I've always felt that the world is a richer place

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for all the different people in it.

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Apart from these next guys.

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These fools are freaky and need to leave us all alone.

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France.

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And look at this panda, standing upright

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and walking along the street.

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That's the problem with nature - it's evolving so fast.

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Aaargh!

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That's right, lady, you be scared.

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You see that smoky thing?

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That's called dry ice.

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Ice is supposed to be wet,

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which is why, if you dry it out, it gets mad.

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And it explodes.

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Chemistry lesson over.

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Next up, Turkey,

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where this musical is turning out to be a real turkey.

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I've written a musical about my life

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called Mr T, The Musical About My Life.

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It's the greatest story ever told.

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Yo, yo, yo, white bitches, you know you want to talk shit,

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you got to back your shit up.

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That's all I've got to say to you little, immature, little girls.

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If even your own picture of you thinks you suck...

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..it's time for a different approach.

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This is a microwave.

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That was a microwave.

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Ow!

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Son of a bitch.

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You've got to think fast to keep up with this show.

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Ow!

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An airport in France. Check out this baggage handler.

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He's throwing suitcases straight into the garbage truck.

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It's either his first day on the job or his last day on the job.

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Either way, it's his last day on the job.

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Canada land, land.

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If you are easily shocked, I suggest you look away now.

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In fact, I suggest you look away now anyway.

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Nobody needs to see what's about to happen.

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You looked, didn't you?

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I told you not to look.

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Don't worry, I looked too.

0:22:390:22:40

Check out this street market in Bangkok.

0:22:500:22:52

Only they didn't build it on a street,

0:22:520:22:55

they built it right in the middle of a railway line.

0:22:550:22:57

TRAIN HORN BLARES

0:22:570:22:59

This is a bad example of forward planning.

0:23:080:23:10

These people are going to regret that every two or three minutes.

0:23:120:23:16

Oh, shit!

0:23:200:23:21

Oh, God!

0:23:210:23:22

BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP!

0:23:220:23:24

-Oh, Jesus!

-BLEEP.

-Oh,

-BLEEP.

0:23:240:23:28

-God! Oh,

-BLEEP! BLEEP!

0:23:280:23:31

-Lord,

-BLEEP!

-Lord,

-BLEEP!

0:23:310:23:34

-BLEEP!

-Whoa! Whoa!

0:23:340:23:37

That was awesome!

0:23:370:23:39

That was awesome, right there! God damn!

0:23:390:23:42

As a demonstration of my martial arts skills,

0:23:420:23:44

I'm going to show you my fist of lightning.

0:23:440:23:47

That was so fast you might not have seen it.

0:23:480:23:51

Let's see it again in slow motion.

0:23:510:23:52

Pretty fast, huh?

0:24:050:24:06

Get ready for some fools that ain't fit to tie my black belt.

0:24:060:24:10

MUSIC: "You're The Best" by Joe Esposito

0:24:170:24:19

Canada land, land, land.

0:24:190:24:21

A lot of people here don't seem to be looking after their faces.

0:24:210:24:25

# Try to be best cos you're only a man

0:24:250:24:27

# And a man's got to learn to take it

0:24:270:24:29

# Try to believe... #

0:24:290:24:30

Faces are important, because that's where

0:24:300:24:33

we keep things like our noses and our eyes and our lips.

0:24:330:24:37

# Try and you'll succeed... #

0:24:370:24:39

So it's not a good idea to let other people kick us there.

0:24:390:24:42

# And you can have your dreams

0:24:420:24:45

# You're the best around... #

0:24:450:24:46

It's not a good idea

0:24:460:24:47

to smash ourselves in the face with a plank either.

0:24:470:24:50

# You're the best around... #

0:24:500:24:52

What did I just say about smashing ourselves in the face with a plank?

0:24:520:24:56

You know, some of you people don't deserve to have faces.

0:24:560:25:00

This is the green room.

0:25:010:25:04

Aaargh!

0:25:040:25:05

This is where they put people who are bad at karate.

0:25:050:25:09

Aaargh!

0:25:090:25:10

If you are struggling to beat your opponent

0:25:110:25:14

when he's facing the other way...

0:25:140:25:16

..maybe karate's not for you.

0:25:180:25:20

# You're the best around

0:25:200:25:23

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

0:25:230:25:25

# You're the best around... #

0:25:250:25:27

There is a time and a place for karate.

0:25:270:25:30

The time is not now and the place is not here.

0:25:300:25:32

Ah!

0:25:330:25:35

There are also people who are built for karate.

0:25:350:25:38

She is not one of them.

0:25:380:25:40

You get all sorts of belts in karate.

0:25:400:25:42

Black belt, white belt, green belt.

0:25:420:25:45

But none of those things can help you

0:25:470:25:49

when you get kicked in your special place.

0:25:490:25:52

Argh!

0:25:520:25:53

MUSIC SLOWS TO A HALT

0:25:530:25:55

MUSIC RESUMES

0:25:550:25:56

You're going to feel some pain.

0:25:560:25:58

Argh!

0:25:580:25:59

This guy has potential.

0:26:040:26:07

Give it one more go.

0:26:070:26:08

Argh!

0:26:090:26:11

If you want to master the art of karate,

0:26:110:26:14

you've got to watch and learn.

0:26:140:26:15

# You're the best around... #

0:26:150:26:17

You might want to watch from a little further back though.

0:26:170:26:19

# You're the best around... #

0:26:200:26:23

Our last clip comes from Azerbaijan.

0:26:230:26:27

The man in the middle is a karate master.

0:26:270:26:30

He's giving off a special energy

0:26:300:26:32

that defeats all people who comes his way.

0:26:320:26:34

Either that or the people who come his way

0:26:350:26:38

are the worst karate people in the world.

0:26:380:26:40

Tell that man to come pay me a visit.

0:26:420:26:44

We will see who's the master.

0:26:440:26:46

# Fight till you drop

0:26:480:26:51

# Never stop, can't give up until you reach the top

0:26:510:26:56

-# Fight!

-You're the best in town

0:26:560:26:58

-# Fight!

-Listen to that sound. #

0:26:580:27:01

THEY LAUGH

0:27:010:27:03

That's it, it's the end of the show.

0:27:050:27:07

It's been a great ride, hasn't it?

0:27:070:27:09

We've been on a long road called failure,

0:27:090:27:11

but we have stopped at a service station called nearly

0:27:110:27:14

and we have made it to a destination called learning.

0:27:140:27:18

We have learned that when the world says, "Give up,"

0:27:180:27:21

hope whispers, "Give it one more go."

0:27:210:27:24

I'll be back next week. So long, suckers.

0:27:240:27:27

Oh, wow. Man.

0:27:330:27:35

Oh, boy.

0:27:370:27:39

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:020:28:05

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglars to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls... and is not for sissies.


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