Episode 4 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 4

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, in a mixture of clips, animation and funny phone calls.


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Transcript


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The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

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Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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Last year, Mr T went on a mission.

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He scoured the globe to find the world's craziest fools -

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those people with a lack of common sense,

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a terrifying disregard for health and safety,

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and whose favourite question is, "What's the worst that can happen?"

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And you loved it.

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But now you want more, and you want them crazier and even more foolish.

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So, once again, Mr T has delivered

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an array of the world's least talented people.

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This is World's Craziest Fools...

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Return Of The Fools.

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The world is a dangerous place.

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Seems like everywhere you look, you got people doing stupid things,

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especially if you are looking at BBC Three for the next 30 minutes.

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On today's show, we got fools smashing up shops,

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fools diving off roofs, fools skiing off mountains.

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But don't worry, I'm here to guide you through it.

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You can relax. You're safe now. You're safe.

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In sport, you got to overcome every hurdle to be the best,

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especially if it's hurdling.

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Here are some fools that failed.

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'First up, basketball.

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'This little kid is practising so he can make it in the big leagues.

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'He's going to be a big smash.

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'Next up, steeplechase.

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'Come on, suckers!

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'You think these people were all gathered to watch a race?

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'They want to see someone get wet. Give them a show!'

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GROANING

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'Good work, number 17. Gold medal for you.

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'When playing sports, it's important to know what sport you're playing.

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'For example, if you're standing behind a starting line

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'with seven other guys, it's probably a race.'

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STARTING WHISTLE BLOWS

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LAUGHTER

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'And if you're in a race, don't start busting out gymnastic moves.'

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HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

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'I do know a lot about this game.

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'The strikers are trying to score a goal basket with their racket sticks.

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'I think that's six points.

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'People think sport is a physical thing.

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'It's actually 90% mental.

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'If you want to win, all you got to do is use your head.

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'Here's the proof.'

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CHEERING

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'These fans are watching a game of American football.

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'Or, to use the correct term, football.

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'Keep your eye on number 88.'

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Yeah! Yeah!

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-MAN LAUGHS:

-We got that on video!

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'Nice work, big guy. I hope you got a helmet to match that jersey,

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'cos when your mama get home, she's going to slap you around the head!'

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-HE SHOUTS

-Yeah! Let's go, Giants!

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There are three types of criminals -

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the ones who don't get caught, the ones who do get caught

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and the ones that are so dumb they catch themselves,

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leaving the police time to catch the first type of criminals.

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Listen to this.

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The following is a true story.

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A woman in Penn Valley, California, entered a local shop

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with one thing on her mind - theft.

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After picking up a few items from around the store, she ducked down

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between the aisles to conceal her contraband.

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She made sure that she was not seen by the clerk, but sadly did not

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display the same level of vigilance for the surveillance camera

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that was pointing directly at her.

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She walked confidently up to the counter and paid for only one item.

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The shop assistant, unaware at this stage that her bag was stuffed

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with concealed goods from the store, allowed her to leave.

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However, on her way out, the thief noticed a stall selling tickets

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for a local raffle.

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Emboldened by her success and perhaps believing this was

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her lucky day, she stopped by the stall to enter the raffle

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and left the shop in the hope of further riches to come.

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But the stars, it seems, weren't in alignment for her that day.

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Soon after she returned home,

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she received a knock at the door from the police.

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They had managed to track her down, using her name, address

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and phone number that she had supplied the organisers of the raffle and, thus, the store.

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They arrested her immediately.

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Fortune, it seems, does not favour the foolish.

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Everyone knows that water is made from hydrogen and oxygen,

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but fools think they can improve on that by adding themselves to it.

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Wrap your eyes around this!

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'This fool is clearly about to do something stupid.

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'At least he's wearing a safety hat.

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'He's also wearing his safety glasses and his safety moustache.

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'You can never wear enough protection if you're a fool.

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'Always make sure you use the right equipment for water volleyball.'

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WOMAN SCREAMS

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'If your ball has two arms, two legs and screams when you chuck it

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'in the air, you may have picked up the wrong item.'

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MAN SCREAMS

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'This is the worst Tour de France' I've ever seen!

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MAN SCREAMS

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'This young athlete's about to change diving for ever.

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'A reverse somersault, into a head plant, into a belly flop.

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'Take that, rule book! You just got rewritten.

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'Here's another page ripped out of the diving rule book.

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'An arms-up, ankle-first, forward leap.

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'Ooh!

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'Fools are drawn to water. Nobody knows why.

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'They just get an overwhelming urge to throw themselves in it.'

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Oh-h-h!

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'It's one of nature's mysteries.

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'That diving rule book is taking a real beating today.

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'Over to Australia, where this guy's about to take one for the team.

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'Unfortunately for him, he's not on a team. He's all by himself.

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'He just took that for no reason.

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'See if you can spot the fool in this clip. I'll give you a clue.

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'He's a big guy, and he's wearing an orange top.

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'Have you seen him yet?

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'If not, try turning your chair around

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'so you can face the television screen.'

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LAUGHTER

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Dear The Queen,

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unfortunately I am going to have to turn down your kind offer

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of succeeding you to the throne as the crown would ruin my hair.

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Yours truly, Mr T.

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Sorry about that.

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I was just taking care of some personal business.

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Here's some clips of assorted fools.

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'First up, a photographer at a wedding.'

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-PHOTOGRAPHER:

-Argh!

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'Splash down!

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'If someone needs to be taking photos of your photographer,

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'you need to get a new photographer.

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'New York City subway. Next stop, Painsville.'

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-COMMUTERS:

-Ooooh!

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'No matter how much I warn people,

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'they still want to try to get to Painsville.

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'If you can't tell the difference between a road and a river...

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'..look for the fish.

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'If there's lots of fish, you'll be biking on a river by mistake.

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'Next up, take a look at this clip from Brazil.

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'These guys are either too big for their car,

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'or their car's too small for them.

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'That's no longer something they have to worry about.

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'This little girl has climbed into a claw machine, and now she's stuck.

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'Her parents have a decision.

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'Do they use their last quarter to get her back out,

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'or do they go for one of those cute stuffed zebras?

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'It's a real tough one.

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'Bikes take you from A to B.'

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Oh-hoo! Oh, my God!

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'Sometimes, they go all the way to A&E.

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MAN LAUGHS

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I don't know what the questions was, but the answer is painkillers.

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A back flip is a great way to start a party.

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Breaking your face on the kitchen floor is a great way to end a party.

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They say it's unlucky to walk under a ladder. It's also unlucky

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to fall off the top of a ladder.

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Ladders are generally unlucky.

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When I'm elected president of the universe,

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I intend to have them banned.

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If you want me to become president of the universe,

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which you do,

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you need to go online and sign my petition.

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When I reach two billion signatures, I'll start my campaign.

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-MAN FILMING:

-Come back this way without falling off,

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I'll be impressed.

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-WOMAN:

-Without falling... Shit.

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Some people have got a mountain to climb

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if they want to achieve their ambitions.

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If this man's ambitions are to get his bag back,

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then that saying is especially true.

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This guy was OK, although his mum was real angry with him.

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Hello, is that 911? Yeah.

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I just wanted to say you're doing a great job. OK. Bye. Bye bye.

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No, you hang up. Nah. You hang up! OK.

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Those are the kind of calls the police like to receive,

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not ones like these.

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TELEPHONE RINGS

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DIAL TONE

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I'm hungry for some clips of fools with a side order of dipsticks.

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It's delicious.

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-MAN:

-Yeah, now you got it, Maddox.

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Yeah, bro!

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Cheese, tomatoes...

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Pepperoni...

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Mushroom, peppers and extra beef...

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Extra cheese...

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Extra beef too, you know.

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Yeah, that's the way I like it.

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CHILD SCREAMS

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-WOMAN:

-Back up so he can throw it to you.

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Oh, my gosh!

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CHILD CRIES

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-WOMAN:

-Here it goes. All right, Andrew. This is my not-so-smart kid.

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TRUCK HORN

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# Happy birthday to you. #

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-CLOWN:

-Cha, cha, cha. Go ahead and blow out the cand...

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CHILDREN LAUGH

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PARTY BLOWERS

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-WOMAN:

-Oh! Ow!

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As if fools weren't dangerous enough on their own, some of them

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go around on roller-skates and skateboard and other things.

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The good news is, they usually get their comeuppance.

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Coming up, some comeuppance, coming up now.

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First up, this happens.

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That lamppost had a great view of that piece of foolishness.

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It was having a really boring day before those two chumps

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came along and livened things right up.

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How can you tell if you're cycling too fast?

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When that happens.

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Watch your speed, people!

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Also, wear a seatbelt, especially if you're on a bicycle.

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Here's a fool on a bike in the woods.

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The woods is the best place for him.

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He's not safe to be around normal people like you and me.

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I'm assuming you are normal. You might be a fool like this girl.

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-WOMAN:

-Oh, Jesus!

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If you're a fool, I'm going to have to terminate our friendship.

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Stop calling me.

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And don't try finding me on Facebook either.

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I haven't put my face in a book.

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My face is OK where it is, thank you very much.

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You're going to need a bigger fence.

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I can't help but feel the wrong person is wearing all the protective gear in this clip.

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If you can't stand the heat, get out of the roller disco!

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You know you're bad at skateboarding

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if your skateboard wants to punch you in the face.

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Here's another guy who irritated his skateboard into giving him a slap.

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These poor skateboards are going through a lot today.

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A lot of men take their shirts off before attempting stupid things.

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It doesn't make the clips any easier to watch.

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This skateboarder is trying to jump over a chain.

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At least he's got his shirt on.

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That's about the only good thing I can say about him.

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A lot of people have gathered to see our next bit of stupidity.

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Maybe they've seen this guy before.

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They know he's going to pull of something

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pretty special in the failure department.

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They were right.

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Night, night, sucker.

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I hope you're dreaming of a place where everything has padded corners.

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LAUGHTER

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This kid better get used to life in the gutter.

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I think he's going to spend a lot of time there.

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This is either an enormous skate board or a tiny man.

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I'm going to go with enormous skate board

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cos, if this is a tiny man, then this clip shouldn't be on

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World's Craziest Fools,

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it should be on World's Tiniest People.

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And I don't present that show. Not yet anyway.

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This fool is about to attempt the loop de loop.

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He's loop de loopy, if you ask me.

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Someone had better be writing these jokes down

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and putting them in Mr T's Joke Book,

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contains at least 12 great jokes, coming to stores near you soon.

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Put on your sun cream.

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It's time for some rules for holiday fools.

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You don't need to put on your sun cream, by the way.

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It's just television.

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Mr T's rules for holidaying fools.

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Rule one.

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If your hotel is right on the beach, that's good.

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If your plane is right on the beach, that's bad.

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Rule two.

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Having a whale of a time and having a time with a whale

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are very different things.

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Always check the brochure.

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Rule three.

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When you're hitting the beach, be careful of camel toe...

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and leg...

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and mouth...

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and, basically, be careful of the whole camel.

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Rule four.

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Remember that while some laws are different abroad,

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the laws of physics are roughly the same.

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And finally, rule five.

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Getting up close to tourist attractions is all very well,

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but sometimes it pays to take a step back.

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Hey, you! Yes, you!

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Put that down and concentrate on this.

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Welcome to Mr T's School for Fools.

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What's up, kids? Today's lesson is biology. What is biology?

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It's animals. Animals are like us,

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only they got more claws and fur and teeth and things.

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Also, they don't like it when you try to wrestle with them.

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I'm going to show you some examples of animals

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so you can recognise them if you see one walking down the street.

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So, now you know what all the animals look like.

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If you are confused, just ask Mr B.

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He's my deputy head.

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Class dismissed.

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Did you know that there are over 100 different types

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of animals on the earth?

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There are lions and tigers and sharks and other ones too.

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They all have one thing in common.

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They don't like it if you mess with them.

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ROARING

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LAUGHTER

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So everyone thought the first animal to rise up against man

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would be the ape, but it was the geese.

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Just as I predicted.

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Next, I said it would be cats.

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They going to come for us one at a time.

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This isn't nothing to do with animals rising.

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This is just a fool getting too close to a cow

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and getting kicked in the face. Next time, buy your milk at a shop.

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Lapland, home of Santa and his reindeers.

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Deers are frisky. Always stay on your guard when they're near.

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You ain't safe indoors either. Here comes another deer...

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SCREAMING ..looking for someone to attack or get frisky with.

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These people are doing the right thing

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by screaming and waving their hands around and running out of the way.

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SCREAMING

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This guy's pain is your gain.

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HE GROANS

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Don't worry. The only thing that was hurt was his pride.

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This guy has set up a camera so he can propose to his girlfriend.

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Unfortunately, he brought his dog along for the ride.

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Next time you're planning a special moment

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between you and your lady, leave Fido home.

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Three's a crowd, especially when number three is a dog.

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You're about to watch a story of forbidden love.

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It's not a very good story.

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The plot thin and the characterisation is weak.

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It needs a lot of work.

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Los Angeles, USA. You see a lot of crazy things in LA.

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I once saw a man riding another man dressed as a horse.

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Or maybe it was just a man riding a horse.

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Anyway, this is footage of a bear that got loose

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and roaming the streets.

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Or maybe it's a man dressed as a bear.

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You can never be 100% sure. That's LA.

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No! No!

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SCREAMING

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Whether it's holy because God loves it or whether God loves it because of its holiness...

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So, say, take a table or something and say...

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Is this cat as bored as everyone else?

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I'm guessing he's looking for the off button.

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What have I told you people? Always wear your seatbelt,

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especially if you're on a horse.

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They don't put them on there for fun.

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This old couple think they're pretty safe.

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They can see the horses in front of them.

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They're calm and under control.

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But horses can attack from anywhere at any time.

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Never let your guard down.

0:27:150:27:16

Don't worry, they're animals. They were OK.

0:27:190:27:22

Working out at a gym is more fun if you do it with a friend.

0:27:270:27:30

So while you're lifting some weights,

0:27:300:27:32

ain't no reason why your dog can't get in a few squats.

0:27:320:27:36

So there we go. The end of another show.

0:27:440:27:46

And remember, it takes a lot to make a fool of yourself.

0:27:460:27:50

That's right. It takes skateboards, rivers, cars, parachutes,

0:27:500:27:55

wet floors, lack of judgment, false confidence

0:27:550:27:59

and a never-say-die attitude.

0:27:590:28:01

In conclusion, it's a lot easier not being a fool at all.

0:28:010:28:05

Until next time, so long, suckers.

0:28:050:28:09

# Well, I pity the fool

0:28:090:28:12

# I said I pity the fool

0:28:140:28:17

# You know I pity the fool

0:28:190:28:23

# I said I pity the fool

0:28:240:28:27

# That falls in love with you

0:28:300:28:32

# And expects you to be true

0:28:320:28:35

# I pity the fool... #

0:28:350:28:38

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:390:28:43

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglars to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls... and is not for sissies.


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