Episode 3 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 3

Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, in a mixture of clips, animation and funny phone calls.


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Transcript


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The following show is full of fools doing VERY foolish things.

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Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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This programme contains some strong language

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Last year, Mr T went on a mission.

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He scoured the globe to find the World's Craziest Fools - those people

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with a lack of common sense, a terrifying disregard for health and safety,

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and whose favourite question is, "what's the worst that can happen?" And you loved it.

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But now, you want more - and you want them crazier and even more foolish.

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So once again, Mr T has delivered an array of the world's least talented people.

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This is the World's Craziest Fools...

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Return of the Fools.

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Welcome to World's Craziest Fools. I brought a friend with me to help host the show.

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Don't be stupid, it's just a doll. He can't talk.

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I'M hosting the show, and you better get your head in the game,

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cos we got all sorts of fools coming your way.

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Fools running into walls, fools jumping into pools, fools falling out of planes.

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Let's start this show.

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Then you say, "I'm Mr T."

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Say "I'm Mr T" for Big Daddy.

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("I'm Mr T.")

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As anyone knows, you have to stay one step ahead of the game.

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I'm so far ahead of the game, sometimes I'm thinking about the next game.

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This guy's trying to use a piece of playground equipment to hurt himself in a surprising way.

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Unsurprisingly, he succeeded.

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These two dummies are trying to do a synchronised back flip.

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Maybe "synchronised" means something different to them.

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This kid wants to prove he's better than a car, by jumping over it.

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1-0 to the kid.

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2-0 to the kid.

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2-1 - the fightback begins.

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Oh, crap. Oh, crap.

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This guy wants to back-flip off a truck.

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If you are on a farm and you are dumber than the animals,

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you might want to shut yourself up in a barn for safekeeping.

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This Spanish kid's haircut is all wrong.

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He needs to take a look at MY hair, then take a look at HIS hair.

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Then go buy himself a hat.

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Germany... And it looks like a nice day to hit the beach.

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Now we're in Estonia.

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And it looks like a nice day to hit the town.

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OK, time to stop hitting things.

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This fool's trying to escape from his fool prison.

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Keep trying, pea brain!

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It takes a special kind of stupid

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to miss every single rubber mat in that room.

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Hey you - put your shirt back on, and finish building that house like you supposed to.

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What is it with all these people? Don't they have anything better to do?

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I can make some suggestions, if that's what's needed here.

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How about, go get yourself some jobs for starters?

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Or do some stuff for charity.

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Why don't you go down to the old folks' home, and help them find some fun stuff to watch on TV?

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Or you can go down to a dog sanctuary, and clean up some poo.

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Basically, stop jumping off stuff and do something useful with your hands and feet instead.

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Back in the '80s, I invented a little thing called "The '80s".

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It was a crazy party, and it went on for a whole decade.

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Then everyone woke up in 1990, and found out

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they couldn't remember anything, and they were covered in tattoos.

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Tattoos seem a good idea at the time, but they can turn out badly.

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Mr T's rules for tattooing fools.

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Rule One. Tattoos are a great way of reminding yourself of a good time you once had,

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but pick those incidents carefully.

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Rule Two.

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Don't let anyone make you choose between your favourite film star or animal.

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Rule Three. Don't commit yourself to one mood for the rest of your life.

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Rule Four.

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Always remember the famous proverb -

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when a man loses an arm, he often gains a dolphin.

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Rule Five.

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When having a tattoo,

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always remember to leave room for your face.

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Rule Six.

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You may be asked to choose your design

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from the wall in the tattoo parlour.

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Be careful not to choose the actual wall as your pattern.

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And finally, rule seven.

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Don't be a dickhead.

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Being a fool is dangerous at any time of the year

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but it's especially dangerous at winter time.

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That's when nature turns the heating off

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and people start suffering from brain freeze.

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Take a look at this if you think you can handle it.

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If you don't think you can handle it, just close your eyes.

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We'll be back on me in two minutes.

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This guy's kite boarding.

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It involves attaching a kite to your snowboard

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and then screaming and flailing your arms

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while the wind blows you all over the mountain.

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It's not as much fun as it sounds.

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This guy's trying to snowboard over a ditch.

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He's tried it before but failed.

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This is his last ditch attempt.

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MR T LAUGHS

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I'm a funny, funny man.

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Oh, boy.

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This biker has taken the wrong turn

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and accidentally ended up in the snow...

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..upside down.

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Or maybe he's just programmed

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the wrong destination into his sat nav.

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Here's another gold medal buffoon.

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The amount of fools I've seen today,

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I'm surprised there aren't more queuing up behind him.

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Russia. This guy has licked a bar and now he's stuck to it.

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This is a story of grit, pain and forbidden love.

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It's also a story of bad judgment, low intelligence

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and stupid friends you'd be better off without.

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There's got to be a better way to get down mountains.

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Don't go up mountains in the first place.

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That's the better way to get down mountains.

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This guy's so stupid, he's skiing backwards.

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I guess if you are that dumb,

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it doesn't matter what direction you're going in.

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This guy is even stupider than the last guy,

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unless it's the same guy.

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Those two stupid guys could very well be

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one super-stupid guy.

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Snowmobile racing.

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They say once you fall off something, the best thing you

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can do is get right back on it.

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Unfortunately, that saying doesn't account for people

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who are really bad at whatever it is they are riding.

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if you're really bad, don't get right back on it again,

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otherwise you will just fall off again.

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Much better to give the whole thing up and go and have a sleep.

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Don't worry, he's OK.

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This little man has potential.

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Whee!

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This went wrong the day he was born.

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Whee!

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I don't think I need to tell this guy not to have a second go.

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He probably ain't going to be having any conversation

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for a few days anyway.

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Ain't you ever heard of physics, fool?

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This snowmobile has realised its owner is a fool

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and is making a break for it.

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That's it, little machine, you're better off on your own.

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I like this guy.

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Oh.

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He's still at the age where it's OK to be this dumb.

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This Skidoo is an all terrain vehicle.

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That doesn't mean it's going to help you if you smack it into a tree.

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This Skidoo is not an all terrain vehicle.

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That's why it's sinking.

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It's for ground only.

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See if you can ride it on the ground at the bottom of the lake, fool.

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I like the emergency services.

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They do a great job keeping us safe.

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That don't mean they can't have a bad day

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and sometimes that bad day is caught on camera.

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Take a look at this.

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This fireman's on his way to an emergency.

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Looks the emergency is down there around his ankles.

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He got there quicker than he imagined.

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Next up, this Turkish SWAT team guy tries to kick down a door

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that's already open.

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Who cares?

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It's never a bad idea to show off your power moves.

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Police officers have to deal with all types of dangerous criminal.

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This dog is wanted for a string of crimes.

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Urinating in public, disturbing the peace through barking,

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making obscene gestures at a pussycat, and also...

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murder.

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Don't worry though. They caught him in the end.

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Notting Hill Carnival.

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That's a big carnival where once a year the police dance around

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like crazy people to entertain the rest of London.

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I think some other stuff goes on too.

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But this is the main part of it, right?

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Russia, where this police officer is struggling

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to apprehend his own motorcycle.

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Never mind, sergeant, Russia's a small country.

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You're bound to run into it again.

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These officers have just arrested a guy and they have sentenced him

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to nine seconds in the back of the police car.

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Time's up, sucker. Don't do it again.

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These cops have used their cars to make a road block.

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Never mind, you'll get them on the way back.

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This rescue helicopter is trying to make a landing.

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Unfortunately, the pilot has temporarily confused the sea

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with the ground.

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The bad news is that helicopter's going to sink.

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The good news is

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they caught themselves a couple of tuna for dinner.

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Don't worry about the pilot, though, he's OK.

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Right, what's next?

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The following is a true story.

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A police officer called to the scene of a domestic dispute decided

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that the only way to bring the situation to a swift end was

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to use his Taser gun on the husband of the woman who called.

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With his gun at the ready, he prepared to shoot.

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His first shot missed the man

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and instead managed to hit the family cat.

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The second shot also missed and this time hit the son's teenage friend.

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He missed again with the third shot but, on the upside, he had

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managed to avoid hitting any innocent bystanders.

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With the Taser gun now empty, the officer reloaded

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and prepared to fire again.

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In a triumph for marksmanship

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he hit himself with shot four.

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Shots five and six then hit the ceiling and after fully discharging

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the weapon twice and failing to hit the man once, the policeman

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finally abandoned the Taser and reached for the pepper spray.

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This safety first approach also failed as he managed to discharge

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it in the face of the man's daughter who had just walked in.

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Eventually, realising that this policeman was doing more

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damage than he ever could, the man decided to give himself up.

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I like swimming as much as the next guy,

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unless the next guy is any of these next guys who all hate swimming.

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Basically, here's some bad swimmers.

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Mexico.

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And the first rule of water is...

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it's slippy.

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The second rule of water is...

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it's slippy.

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I just said the first rule twice.

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What are you going to do about it?

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This show-off does a triple somersault swan dive and then

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lands straight on his back.

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He thinks that's pretty funny.

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Wait till he finds out there's sharks in there.

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The important things bout jumping over water

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are the jumping, the over and the water.

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Argentina. Now keep your eyes on the girl about to dive.

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She's pretty, isn't she?

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Next clip.

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In the time it took that guy to climb to the top of the slide...

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..someone's stolen his pool.

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This girl's trying to learn how to surf on a wave machine.

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Wave goodbye to her.

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Someone told this jerk, it'd be good if he jumped in a ditch.

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He's so stupid, all the dogs have come along

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to see him make a fool of himself.

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Here's a tip.

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If you run like this...

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..you'll find yourself doing a lot of that.

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Here's another tip.

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If you can't climb a ladder, you probably shouldn't be thinking

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about going up on a roof and jumping into a swimming pool.

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Master the basics first, people.

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This girl needs to go back to falling in the water school.

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She's nearly there, but her technique is just a little off.

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It's tough to swim on the top of a fence.

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Other places tough to swim, are in a car,

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in a real shack. Basically, anywhere there is no water.

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This guy parked his van in the water so his friend can drive his

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jet ski straight in.

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Jet skis are water vehicles. Vans are not water vehicles.

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Back to vehicle identification school for this chump.

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Those were a few tips on how to survive in the water.

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But if you still not sure about the water, don't go in the water.

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Stay away from the water. Don't even drink water.

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Drink juice instead.

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Mmm, juice is good. Mm.

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PHONE RINGS

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Those two fools deserved each other.

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Here's some other people who deserve each other.

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That's why we put them together in the next bit of the show.

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It's Assorted Fools.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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-Do you want to say some last words?

-Go on.

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Time now for everyone's favourite part of the show.

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Of course, everyone's favourite part of the show is the whole show,

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but this next bit, it is especially favourite.

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It's Mr T's School for Fools.

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Hello, and welcome to Mr T's School for Fools.

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I'm going to go easy on you today.

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I'm going to teach you about the theory of relativity.

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What is the theory of relativity? Listen up.

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This guy's clearly a fool.

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But relative to this woman, he's a genius.

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That's the theory of relativity. Class dismissed.

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Alcohol is a great way for normal people to experience

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what it's like being a fool.

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Here's some clips of people walking a mile in a fool's shoes.

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# Well, I got to get drunk and I sure do dread it

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# Cos I know just what I'm going to do...#

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The USA.

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Looks like this quarter back has lost the rest of his team.

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Don't worry, champ, they'll find you soon enough.

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All they have to do is follow the sound of everyone laughing.

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He's going! Oh, Jesus.

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Russia.

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This guy is so drunk, he can't even get on his bicycle.

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This guy's invented a new sport.

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It involves stacking boxes on top of each other.

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I'm going to call it, boxing. That's a great name for a sport.

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I'm surprised there isn't already a sport called, boxing.

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Ukraine, and this drunk guy's going for a swim.

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How's the water? Cold and hard.

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Here's some advice, drunk, Japanese man.

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When you're going over a zebra crossing,

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you do not have to do impressions of a zebra.

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If you are looking for a sign you have drunk too much...

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..this one's pretty good.

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Your standards drop when you're drunk and maybe you end up

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doing things with people you don't want to be doing things with.

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Personally, I think this dog could do a lot better.

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Here's a drunk guy picking a fight with a lamp post.

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If that lamp post knew he was coming,

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it would have ended very differently.

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That's the only way the guy's going to beat a lamp post, at anything.

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Alcohol lies to you. It tells you ugly people are attractive.

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It tells you stupid things are funny...

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..and it tells fools like this they can dance.

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Check out this drunk dummy.

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He just made everybody else's day at the beach

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10 times more entertaining.

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Who needs a donkey ride when you've got a tanked up fool

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throwing himself into the sea?

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Call the land line now.

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This guy just found out that shell suit trousers

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don't look any better when they're on fire...

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..or after they've been on fire.

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And my final piece of advice is, alcohol in sports, don't mix.

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I think that's what the security guard is politely pointing out

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to that drunk fool.

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That's the end of the show.

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Before you turn off your television set,

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I'd like you to think about this.

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It's true, you don't know what you got till it's gone,

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but it's also true you don't know what you been missing

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until it arrives.

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So, keep your eyes open my friends, and be good to yourselves,

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and each other.

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See you next week. So long, suckers.

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Come on, little buddy.

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Comedy series in which the A-Team's Mr T tracks down the world's craziest fools, from dumb drivers to stupid soldiers, brainless builders to silly sportsmen and bungling burglars to crazy cops. The show is a mix of clips, animation and funny phone calls... and is not for sissies.


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