Episode 2 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 2

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

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The show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.

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On Lee Mack's team tonight,

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a man who's spent his whole career sitting next to a comedy genius,

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so tonight will be a welcome change for him - it's Bob Mortimer.

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APPLAUSE

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And a comedian and actress who's been described as having a bit of

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Morecambe and Wise about her.

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Hopefully, they mean Eric's quick wit

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and not Ernie's short, fat, hairy legs -

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it's Diane Morgan. APPLAUSE

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And on David Mitchell's team tonight,

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winner of The Great British Bake Off,

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she's in such demand

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that last December she was asked to go to Luton and

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turn on their Christmas light - it's Nadiya Hussain.

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APPLAUSE

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And he's an actor and comedian who had his own show

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where he cycled around Northern Ireland.

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Dressed head-to-toe in Lycra is how I chose to watch it -

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Michael Smiley. APPLAUSE

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And so we begin with Round 1 - Home Truths,

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where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of

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them. To make things harder,

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they've never seen the card before,

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they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

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and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

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Michael is first up.

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Michael, please reveal all.

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OK.

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"I have developed a technique to help me deal with annoying idiots."

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Lee, do you want to kick this one off?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, first of all, who do you find is an annoying idiot?

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I mean, what type of people?

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Just, you know, the GP.

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You know, the General Public wind me up from time to time.

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-OK.

-And I really want to tell them how I feel,

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and instead of doing that I scat.

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-You do what?

-What?

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I, uh...I scat.

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Can I ask at this point...

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what is a scat? Do you know what a scat is?

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-Like jazz....jazz scatting, isn't it?

-It's like, the old jazz scat,

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-yeah.

-It's your basic jazz rap.

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So, you must make random noises?

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Let's... Can we have a scenario now, right?

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-Is it a...?

-That's a very negative view of music, Lee.

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It's jazz, though.

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Fair enough.

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So, if I'm the doctor...

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-Yeah.

-..what would annoy you if I was a doctor?

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If you kept me waiting for too long and then,

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say you come into the reception room

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-and I thought I was next...

-Right.

-..and I went to get up

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-and then you picked somebody else, for example.

-OK, well, imagine that

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-scenario, OK?

-OK.

-So, I walk in, you think I'm going to see you,

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and I go, "Mr Brydon, we've got the results of your test."

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And I'd go, "Oh for the bampity-bampity, le-bampity, bam...

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-"Da-da-da-dah."

-HE MUMBLES ANGRILY

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"Bom-bom-bom-da-da-dah pow!"

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It's an STD.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you promise me that you always do it out loud?

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You don't just do it in your mind?

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I always vocalise it. Otherwise, if I don't let it out,

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it might turn into a haemorrhoid.

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I must say, that explains a lot.

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Well, imagine now, imagine I've made you angry, OK?

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Perhaps he's given you an STD.

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LAUGHTER

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At least have the decency to say I've given it to him via his wife.

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Watch him now. Go on, jazz scat him, quick!

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I haven't got any babidee-bap-da-diddlygo-da-da-dah

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dah-bam-bam-bam-bam.

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-Yeah!

-See-babbidee-boo-bap!

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See-babidee-boop-boop-boop! Baaaaah.

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LAUGHTER

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Wow.

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This is really weird.

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When was the last time you had to employ it, Michael?

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Oh, I'd say...

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God, about two weeks ago.

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-Yeah?

-What happened?

-The classic thing of the, you know,

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the tourist walking out of the department store and stopping.

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And I wasn't paying attention and I walked up and they were there in

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front of me, and I went "Why did you fuh-foh-feh-foh-fah-ba-bee-dee..."

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And walked round them and carried on walking.

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What are you thinking, Diane? Does this have the ring of truth for you?

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Yeah, it does. He seems really convincing.

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-Don't you think?

-Mmmm, I don't know.

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Why are you getting so upset in the first place?

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Why don't you just be like me and really just laid-back?

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Just get outside the department store and just stop and enjoy life.

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When I've ever left a department store, I'm always sprinting.

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LAUGHTER

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It's very bizarre behaviour. If you encountered it, you know?

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You can't spend your life doing that.

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So, what are you going to say?

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So we're going to say... You're saying true,

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-you're going to say lie.

-Yeah.

-I'm going to have to go lie.

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-It can't be true.

-You're saying it's a lie.

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OK, Michael Smiley, was it the truth or was it a lie?

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Oh ye of little faith.

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-It is the...truth.

-Aw!

-O-o-o-o-oh!

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, it's true - Michael does have a technique to deal

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with annoying idiots and it is scatting. Diane, you're next.

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"I once dumped a boyfriend, because I didn't like the way

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"he fell down the stairs."

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APPLAUSE

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David's team.

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How often had you been pushing him down the stairs?

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I just hid his wheelchair.

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If you've been affected by any of the issues

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raised in tonight's show...

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How did he fall down the stairs?

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-What was the...?

-Very ungainly.

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What kind of stairs did he fall down? Where was he?

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It was just outside his flat and there was, like,

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five steps and then another five steps.

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You know those ones that go sort of in different directions?

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-Concrete steps?

-Yeah, concrete.

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So this is nasty, this isn't...

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It was a nasty fall, yeah.

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-Yeah.

-Did you finish with him, because he was so badly injured

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he was no use to you?

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This is sort of, like, the last straw, really.

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What was the other straws?

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There were so many straws.

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Tell me one.

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He used to fall out of cupboards.

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He was quite mean, he was quite a mean person.

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Can you walk us through the scenario? What happened?

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Yeah, OK. So, we're leaving his flat, he locks the door,

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he loses his footing on the steps, makes a little scream.

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-And he just fell.

-How many stairs did he go down?

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Because the way you've described it, there were corners.

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Did he go round the corners?

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-I think...

-He's a man, not a slinky!

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No, he did.

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He did.

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So, how did you react? Did your compassionate side come out?

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Well, I asked him if he was all right,

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and then I sort of made a mental note to cut him out of my life.

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So, what are you going to say? Nadiya, does it ring true for you?

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Did you want to leave him before the fall?

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-I'd been thinking about it.

-Yeah, cos it was the last straw.

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It was the last straw, yeah.

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But she only offered up one straw.

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If I had a resentment against an ex-lover,

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I could give you a shortlist off the top of my head.

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-Even that was a bit scatty.

-Yeah.

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-SCATTING:

-Waking up and seeing her in bed with the milkman. Ooh!

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-I think it might be true.

-You're saying true?

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-We're going to go with true.

-Saying true.

-Yeah.

-Diane -

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-truth or lie.

-It is actually...

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-True.

-Yes.

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Wow.

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It's true. Diane did dump a boyfriend

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because of the way he fell down the stairs.

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Nadiya, you're next.

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Right.

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"To celebrate her last birthday,

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"Mary Berry and I went tenpin bowling."

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-Lee's team.

-Which one did you go to? She'll say, "Hollywood Bowl."

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-Hollywood Bowl.

-It was the Hollywood Bowl?

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Hollywood wasn't with us, though.

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-Why did you not invite him? Do you not get on?

-No, not really.

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No, he's very...

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We'll just edit it at that bit and leave it at that.

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Just don't like him, just don't like him. He's um...

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And also his head is so orange,

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you could accidentally pick it up and throw it down the thing.

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Put your fingers up his nose and in his mouth

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and end up accidentally bowling him, like that. "Argh!"

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-He was busy.

-Was Mary good at bowling?

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She's pretty good, she's quite fast, yeah.

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-And are you quite good?

-No, I'm rubbish.

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The thing is, I don't understand bowling.

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All I know is that I need a size eight ball, that's it.

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Don't!

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Do you go out a lot with Mary in your spare time?

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No, because it would look like she let me win, so we can't really

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-publicly...

-You mean the Bake Off?

-Yeah, it would just look awful,

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wouldn't it? "Look at her having a great time with the winner of..."

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Did she let you win?

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-No.

-Cos it's hard to tell when you watch it on telly.

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-You don't how dry the cake is.

-Yes, she did, I can't bake.

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No, no, it's true, isn't it?

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You never quite know. You have to trust Hollywood and Berry.

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They could be just going, "Say she's the winner, she'll take us bowling."

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Did you and Mary together get a lot of hassle from other people in the

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-bowling alley?

-We picked a good time when it was quite quiet,

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-so it kind of...

-What time is that?

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It's kind of between four and six.

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-In the morning?

-No...

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Although I think she wouldn't mind a drink at four.

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She'd happily have a drink at four o'clock in the morning.

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Right, this is all going on record. So Mary Berry drinks at four

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in the morning and she cheated to let you win the cake-making.

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When you got to the end of the bowling, did you have a meal

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-or did the group just split, then?

-No, we had...while we were bowling,

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we had lots of food kind of brought over to us,

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-so we had lots of chips and nachos...

-Lots of finger food?

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-Yeah.

-Always makes you think, "What's in the holes?"

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Oh, no, I never thought of that.

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So, what are you thinking, Lee?

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-Is that the truth?

-For what it's worth, I'm saying no, lie.

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It's a lie. What are you thinking, Diane?

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Oh, see, I think it's true.

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Why do you think it's true?

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Cos it's quite a dull story.

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That is your trailer.

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So, you're saying a lie, Diane's saying it's true.

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-This time I'm going to go with Diane...

-You're saying it's true?

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-..say it's true, yeah.

-OK. Nadiya, truth or lie?

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-It's a lie.

-Ugh!

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Well done.

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Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

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who has a close connection to one of our panellists. This week,

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each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine

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connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot

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who's telling the truth.

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So, please welcome this week's special guest, Michael.

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Right, we'll start with Diane.

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What is Michael to you?

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This is Michael.

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I once punched him in the face, because I thought he was a ghost.

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Bob, how do you know Michael?

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This is Michael and after cutting his hair,

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I got a job on a campsite as a hairdresser.

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And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Michael?

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This is Michael. Together we helped free a donkey

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that had trapped itself in a cubicle of a seaside toilet.

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So, there we have it. Is Michael Diane's ghostly guy?

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Bob's campsite client?

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Or Lee's donkey do-gooder?

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David's team, where would you like to start?

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Um, well, Diane.

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Where were you when you mistook Michael for a ghost?

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I was backstage at the Theatre Royal, Bath.

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And what were you doing there?

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-I was in a play.

-What happened? You were in the dark,

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-waiting to go on in the wings?

-I was in the wings.

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-In the wings, waiting to go on?

-And...

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I'd been told a ghost story about this...

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-The Theatre Royal, Bath is haunted.

-Where was Michael?

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What was the story?

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Well, that the theatre was haunted.

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They said that about once a week, this ghost,

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a man with white hair would float around the theatre.

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-So, you heard that story...

-I'm standing in the wings...

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-Uh-huh.

-..I turn round,

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and I see... Well, I know it's Michael now,

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but at the time, I thought it was the ghost cos of the hair.

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And I sort of inadvertently punched him.

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And what was he wearing?

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He was wearing quite dark clothes, because he was, you know,

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working backstage.

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He looked like he was kneeling on some sort of prop,

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so he looked like he didn't have any legs.

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That's what made me think, "Oh, my God! It's the ghost!"

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So, he had sort of sidled up and knelt on something?

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-Yeah.

-I have to say, I have slightly less sympathy for Michael now

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I realise that what he did is he sort of crept up behind you

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and knelt there.

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That is slightly creepy behaviour, isn't it?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I did ask him why he was kneeling on the bookcase.

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I imagine that, at that point, he was also asking you why you hit him.

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-Yeah.

-Which presumably...

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Did he answer you? Was he able to say why he was kneeling on there?

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Yeah, he said there weren't any chairs backstage.

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All right, who next?

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Bob. You cut Michael's hair and this was on a campsite.

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-Yeah.

-How did you come to...

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Cos you're not a hairdresser, are you?

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I'm a hairdresser, David.

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You had previously worked as a hairdresser, had you?

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I'm from a family, I'm the youngest of four boys,

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and in my family, tradition is that the eldest is a priest,

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-then a lawyer...

-LAUGHTER

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..then a teacher and then a hairdresser. So...

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So it fell to me to take up the scissors.

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I was given my first set of scissors when I was 13.

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I actually had a pair of scissors when I was younger than that.

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-Were you the fourth child?

-No, no, it wasn't...

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It was more for, you know, cutting out bits of coloured paper and...

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No, these, no, no, these were Japanese steels, these were Yasukis.

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Right, OK.

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So, you...

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you were given these hairdressing scissors at the age of 14.

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-Yes.

-Had you undergone any further training

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or just were encouraged to experiment?

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Well, here's the rub, because Michael, or Micky as he's known,

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Micky the Drink, he's...

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Why is he called Micky the Drink?

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Ah.

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Anyway, so, he was one of the first people that I ever gave a haircut

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to as a young boy, as one of my friends.

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And then fast forward to 1982,

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I go to the World Cup in Spain.

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There was Michael, Billy the Pigeon...

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-Gentle Ken...

-Billy the Pigeon?

-Gentle Ken...

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Why's he called Billy the Pigeon? Always finding his way home?

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No, he's a pigeon.

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Because he had, like, a flat chest.

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We all went to Spain, we were on the campsite for the England fans.

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I, as always, gave Micky his haircut,

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and the one man army from Nottingham,

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the Nottingham Forest fan, who caused all the trouble out there,

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he demanded that he had a haircut.

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What trouble did he cause out there?

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Well, for example,

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he rushed to the cafe that we were in and threw a coin like that.

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Could've damaged anyone.

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Luckily, it went straight in the slot machine and won the jackpot.

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I'm just going on here, it was really a rather simple story.

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So, I cut Micky's hair as I've done since he was 13...

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So you'd cut his hair regularly, you first did it when he was 13...

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-When he was 13.

-..and you were his regular hairdresser.

0:16:110:16:14

No, that would be a lie, but I would always cut Micky's hair.

0:16:140:16:16

I was seen doing this, and before you knew I,

0:16:160:16:18

over the course of the next ten days,

0:16:180:16:20

I probably did 50 to 60 haircuts.

0:16:200:16:24

And were you paid for these haircuts?

0:16:240:16:26

I probably was, but in kind.

0:16:260:16:28

Oh, no.

0:16:280:16:30

The only thing any of these English fans could say was

0:16:340:16:37

"Huevos solo," and that got you an egg sandwich.

0:16:370:16:41

And I seem to remember that people, cos I was cutting hair,

0:16:410:16:43

it was always in the morning that someone would bring me...

0:16:430:16:46

"Mate, you're busy cutting hair, have a huevo solo."

0:16:460:16:49

-So, you were paid in egg sandwiches?

-I think maybe I was.

0:16:490:16:52

-I don't, I think...

-And you did 50 haircuts over, what, how many days?

0:16:520:16:57

I think it was probably eight days.

0:16:570:16:58

So you're having 50 egg sandwiches over eight days?

0:16:580:17:03

I mean, I'm interested in the haircuts themselves.

0:17:030:17:06

-Yeah.

-Was there a signature style? It was the early '80s,

0:17:060:17:08

were there mullets going on? I mean, what was the look?

0:17:080:17:11

It was a feathered look I was expert at.

0:17:110:17:13

Where I'm from, it's called the foffer.

0:17:130:17:15

You'll probably think of it like Rod Stewart.

0:17:150:17:18

-Oh, it's a lovely look.

-Layered at the bottom, yeah?

0:17:180:17:21

Yes. Do you still cut hair now?

0:17:210:17:23

Oh, not so much now, Rob. I...

0:17:230:17:26

To be honest with you, I can't... I can't do the new cuts.

0:17:270:17:32

Did you hear that? "I can't do the new cuts."

0:17:320:17:35

-I can't do the new cuts, no.

-Right, what about Lee and the donkey?

0:17:350:17:38

So, Lee, tell us your story.

0:17:380:17:41

-I was at the seaside. I went to...

-Whereabouts?

-Blackpool.

0:17:410:17:44

-When was this?

-This was last year, believe it or not.

-Last year...

0:17:440:17:47

Only last year, since the last series

0:17:470:17:49

-and why it hasn't cropped up so far.

-Fair enough, fair enough.

0:17:490:17:52

On holiday or were you summer seasoning there?

0:17:520:17:55

-Summer seasoning?

-Doing a summer season?

0:17:550:17:57

I'm not a juggler.

0:17:570:17:59

They have comedians in Blackpool.

0:17:590:18:00

Or were you giving a keynote speech at the

0:18:000:18:03

Conservative Party Conference?

0:18:030:18:05

All right, I was doing a summer season.

0:18:090:18:13

No, I was just, I was on a little weekend break.

0:18:130:18:15

I decided to take my family to Blackpool.

0:18:150:18:17

What sort of loos are these?

0:18:170:18:19

Public toilets on Blackpool seafront.

0:18:190:18:21

-So, you go into the loo...

-I go into the loo...

-Yeah, where's...?

0:18:210:18:24

-..to use the toilet.

-Where's the donkey?

0:18:240:18:26

The donkey is in the cubicle. The door was shut and I did that thing

0:18:260:18:29

where I looked underneath, and I just saw two hooves.

0:18:290:18:32

LAUGHTER

0:18:320:18:35

I said, "Will you be long, mate?"

0:18:360:18:40

Which way was the donkey?

0:18:400:18:41

-Which way?

-Which way in was he?

0:18:410:18:43

He was actually facing outwards,

0:18:430:18:45

so the bottom was stuck in the cubicle

0:18:450:18:48

and the head was sticking out the front.

0:18:480:18:49

So, he reversed in, did he?

0:18:490:18:51

No, he didn't reverse in, the toilet reversed up to him.

0:18:510:18:55

Yes, he reversed in.

0:18:550:18:56

-OK.

-It turns out that someone had witnessed this happen.

0:18:560:18:59

-Yeah.

-He'd gone into the toilet...

0:18:590:19:00

Who is this person who witnessed this happen?

0:19:000:19:02

It was...some guy was in there.

0:19:020:19:04

Some other guy, not Michael, and he goes,

0:19:040:19:07

"I tell you what's happened here, this donkey..."

0:19:070:19:09

-And what did he say?

-I walked straight over and I went,

0:19:090:19:11

"Blimey. There's a donkey stuck in the cubicle!"

0:19:110:19:13

And the man told us, "This donkey has wandered in from the beach,

0:19:130:19:16

"you know, where they do the donkey rides and then someone had used

0:19:160:19:20

"the hand-dryer and he's freaked, ran round, got disorientated

0:19:200:19:24

"and then reversed into a cubicle."

0:19:240:19:28

At this point, Michael was in there, cos the other fella went out,

0:19:280:19:31

he said, "I'm not dealing with that, I've got to go."

0:19:310:19:33

"I'm just the one that's here to explain the scenario."

0:19:330:19:36

The guy said, "I'm not dealing with this,

0:19:360:19:38

"I've just got a leopard out the sink. You can do this one."

0:19:380:19:41

So he goes out, and the donkey's back end was literally stuck inside

0:19:430:19:46

-this, inside the cubicle.

-How did you get the donkey out?

0:19:460:19:49

I pulled, I pulled the reins as hard as... He had reins.

0:19:490:19:52

That's why we knew he wasn't a wild donkey, cos there are wild donkeys

0:19:520:19:55

in Blackpool. I'm pulling on the reins like that,

0:19:550:19:57

and Michael sort of tried to lean over the back,

0:19:570:19:59

and he had his beach towel with him, and gently gave him a little...

0:19:590:20:02

I wouldn't say a whip, that would be hard, but enough to make him try

0:20:020:20:05

and come forward. But it just didn't work.

0:20:050:20:07

-We could not get this donkey out.

-Right.

0:20:070:20:10

-It died.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:100:20:13

The hooves fell off. "Join us next week on..."

0:20:130:20:16

-Yeah, and...

-At least he was the right way in to use the loo.

0:20:170:20:19

Yes, perhaps he was using the loo!

0:20:190:20:21

-That's why he wouldn't come out, he needed the loo.

-Yeah.

0:20:210:20:23

I hadn't thought of that. I say donkey, I mean fat bloke.

0:20:230:20:26

I remember now, it was a fat bloke, and I wanted to use the toilet.

0:20:280:20:31

I think he had one of those funny little Blackpool masks on

0:20:310:20:34

of a donkey. It's all coming back to me now. "You're arrested!"

0:20:340:20:38

I did three months in Parkhurst.

0:20:390:20:42

-That's the end of the story.

-You did three months in Parkhurst

0:20:440:20:47

since we last did the show?

0:20:470:20:49

Actually it was the prison office.

0:20:490:20:51

HE MUMBLES

0:20:520:20:55

So, there we are. We need an answer.

0:20:560:20:58

David's team, is Michael Diane's ghostly guy,

0:20:580:21:02

Bob's campsite client,

0:21:020:21:04

or Lee's donkey do-gooder?

0:21:040:21:06

Well, what do you think?

0:21:060:21:08

See, I first, when I heard Diane's story, I thought that was a lie,

0:21:080:21:11

and then I heard Bob's story...

0:21:110:21:14

And Lee's story,

0:21:140:21:16

-and then suddenly, Diane's story seems a little bit more real.

-Yes.

0:21:160:21:21

I think it's Bob. I think giving your man a haircut is the truth.

0:21:210:21:26

50 haircuts a week, paid in egg sandwiches?

0:21:260:21:28

I don't know that you can do that hairstyle with one pair of scissors.

0:21:300:21:33

I'm from a family of hairdressers and I just don't think you can do

0:21:330:21:36

-Rod Stewart with the one pair of scissors.

-She's from a family of

0:21:360:21:39

-hairdressers. Did you have more than one pair of scissors?

-No.

0:21:390:21:42

My response to that, Nadiya,

0:21:420:21:43

-is a family of not very good hairdressers.

-O-o-o-o-oh.

0:21:430:21:46

Two sets of scissors?

0:21:480:21:50

-He looks round about Bob's age.

-And Bob's haircut.

-Yeah.

0:21:500:21:54

-DAVID:

-Can I just say, one final chance,

0:21:570:21:59

he looks to me like a man who hangs around gentlemen's toilets.

0:21:590:22:02

-I'm going with Diane.

-Yeah.

-You're going with Diane, you're set, then?

0:22:070:22:10

David's team are saying that it is Diane.

0:22:100:22:13

Michael, would you please confirm your true identity.

0:22:130:22:17

My name is Michael and Bob gave me a haircut at a campsite.

0:22:170:22:20

We can actually see photographic evidence of Bob

0:22:280:22:30

cutting Michael's hair. There they are.

0:22:300:22:34

-Oh, my gosh. It really did happen.

-Thank you very much, Michael.

0:22:340:22:36

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

0:22:400:22:45

It is Lee.

0:22:460:22:48

-Possession.

-Right.

0:22:480:22:50

Under the desk is a box, so pop it on the desk very carefully,

0:22:500:22:54

very carefully, like that.

0:22:540:22:56

"I've recently got into baking and here's a cake I made yesterday,

0:22:570:23:02

-"specially for David."

-Oh.

0:23:020:23:05

Oh, it ain't bad, is it?

0:23:080:23:10

Let's have a proper look at that cake.

0:23:100:23:13

Wow.

0:23:160:23:18

That is uncanny.

0:23:180:23:20

It's got all of my thousands of teeth.

0:23:200:23:22

Why don't we see how close a depiction it is?

0:23:240:23:26

We have the technology to do what they call split screen.

0:23:260:23:30

Look down camera one.

0:23:300:23:32

OK, so, talk us through what's gone into making that cake.

0:23:420:23:46

-Well, how do you... What do you want to know first?

-How you made it.

-OK.

0:23:460:23:50

Right, first of all, I made the cake,

0:23:500:23:53

let's call it the cake bit, right?

0:23:530:23:54

I made a sponge, that's the word.

0:23:540:23:56

-I made the sponge first.

-How do you make a sponge?

0:23:560:23:59

How DON'T you make a sponge?

0:23:590:24:00

How DO you make a sponge?

0:24:000:24:01

No, let's do "How don't you make a sponge?"

0:24:010:24:05

-OK, what you do is you get your eggs and your flour...

-Of course.

0:24:050:24:08

-..and then...

-How many eggs for a sponge of that size?

0:24:080:24:11

-I would say, for that size, the bottom bit...

-David's bottom...

0:24:110:24:13

Or the other bit, really, they're the same size.

0:24:130:24:16

Oh, no they're not. They're not, David.

0:24:160:24:17

Your bottom is a lot bigger than your top half.

0:24:170:24:20

For the bottom, I use about...

0:24:200:24:22

-I would say I use about six eggs for the bottom sponge.

-O-o-o-o-oh.

0:24:220:24:26

Nadiya, six eggs for the bottom, yes or no?

0:24:260:24:28

So, 12 eggs altogether?

0:24:280:24:29

-No.

-Yes.

0:24:290:24:31

No. I didn't say how I'd made the top sponge.

0:24:310:24:34

What temperature did you bake it at?

0:24:360:24:38

It was... The room was room temperature at the time.

0:24:380:24:42

I preheated the oven at 180 degrees, because it's fan-assisted,

0:24:420:24:47

so I knocked off 10% for that.

0:24:470:24:49

-Oh, right, so...

-That sound right, Nadiya?

0:24:490:24:51

-Almost convincing.

-Yeah.

0:24:510:24:53

-Wow.

-You knocked off 10%.

-You always do.

0:24:530:24:54

Knock off 10% if it's fan-assisted.

0:24:540:24:56

Mm-hmm.

0:24:560:24:57

Just going to have a little lick of your moustache, David.

0:24:590:25:02

I hate to say it, Lee, but you've slightly spoiled my present.

0:25:090:25:13

Wait till you eat it and you pass out and wake up in me cellar.

0:25:150:25:19

So... Six eggs per sponge?

0:25:190:25:22

-No, no, no, three eggs per top half and bottom half.

-OK.

-Right.

0:25:220:25:26

-How long do you leave that sponge in?

-I would say...

0:25:260:25:28

What I tend to do is, I don't do it the traditional way of timing it,

0:25:280:25:31

I keep a good eye on it, and I wait till it's sponge-like

0:25:310:25:33

-and take it out.

-OK.

-It takes about...

0:25:330:25:35

-I'd say it took me about...

-Half an hour, Nadiya?

-..40 minutes.

0:25:350:25:38

I mean, unless you bake, you don't know...

0:25:380:25:40

when you've got a fan-assisted oven...

0:25:400:25:42

-It's difficult, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:25:420:25:44

-LAUGHTER

-Difficult.

0:25:440:25:45

He seems to know...he seems to know that bit.

0:25:450:25:47

You seem to know that bit of information, which is...

0:25:470:25:50

-Not everyone knows that.

-Well, people are stupid.

-Yeah, well...

0:25:500:25:53

Let's go to the centrepiece.

0:25:530:25:55

-Yeah.

-The crowning triumph,

0:25:550:25:57

which is the wonderful visual depiction of David.

0:25:570:26:00

How did you approach...?

0:26:000:26:01

-Yep.

-..bringing him so vividly to life?

0:26:010:26:04

-Well...

-Talk us through that.

0:26:040:26:06

-Well, I started off, I tried to do you.

-Here we go.

0:26:060:26:10

But that came out very bitter.

0:26:100:26:12

Lee, even though you violated David's face,

0:26:170:26:20

who would like to try a piece?

0:26:200:26:22

-I'll try some.

-All right.

0:26:220:26:25

Now, what flavour is it, just so we know when we taste it.

0:26:250:26:27

It's a sort of, it's an orangey citrus invention.

0:26:270:26:31

OK, here we go. Here's the first slice. This is going to Diane.

0:26:310:26:34

-Yes.

-There you go. And then Bob.

0:26:340:26:36

How would you describe the flavour, Diane? I won't be insulted.

0:26:360:26:39

It's very dry.

0:26:390:26:41

Well, it wasn't dry when I made it last week.

0:26:410:26:44

-David, would you like a slice of your own head?

-Yeah, I would.

0:26:440:26:47

-Yeah, I'd love one.

-Nadiya, you be the judge.

0:26:470:26:49

-Listen, don't hold back, I can take it.

-We can all have this.

0:26:490:26:52

It looks like cake and it tastes like cake...

0:26:520:26:55

But it acts like a carpet.

0:26:550:26:56

It's dry enough for me to believe that you might have made it.

0:26:580:27:01

-Aaah.

-What?

0:27:010:27:02

-What are you thinking, Michael?

-I think

0:27:030:27:05

that he's been doing a bit of baking. I think he's made it.

0:27:050:27:08

-I think it's bad enough for him to have made this.

-Whoa!

0:27:080:27:11

-Michael, you also think...

-Unfair.

-..you also think he did it?

0:27:110:27:14

-I think he did.

-Yeah.

0:27:140:27:16

Yeah, I think, I think maybe... I think...

0:27:160:27:18

He's just cutting your eye out.

0:27:200:27:21

You know, often on this show, you say I don't see things from your

0:27:220:27:25

point of view? Well, let's...

0:27:250:27:27

Is everyone still here?

0:27:360:27:37

David, it's time to decide.

0:27:390:27:41

Was it the truth or was it a lie?

0:27:410:27:43

Well, I think...

0:27:430:27:44

We think it could be true.

0:27:440:27:46

-You're going to say true?

-Yeah.

0:27:460:27:47

-OK, Lee...

-I'm going to keep these and take them home.

0:27:470:27:50

And wear them when I make love to my wife.

0:27:500:27:53

All right. Was it the truth or was it a lie?

0:27:570:28:00

Well, actually, it is in fact...a lie.

0:28:000:28:03

BUZZER Oh, that noise signals time is up.

0:28:070:28:10

It's the end of the show, and I can reveal

0:28:100:28:12

that David's team have won by three points to two.

0:28:120:28:16

Well done. Well done.

0:28:160:28:17

Thanks for watching. Goodnight.

0:28:190:28:21

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