Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show that

sorts the facts from the fibs. On Lee Mack's team tonight -

an actor who shot to fame as an Ewok.

An Ewok is an alien being in the Star Wars films,

and not, as I thought, an electronic cooking device.

It's Warwick Davis. APPLAUSE

And a comedian and actor whose father was a bishop,

which meant, growing up, he was always on the move - diagonally.

It's Hugh Dennis. APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team tonight -

he's the BBC's World Affairs editor,

who's spent decades in the middle of mindless,

stupid conflicts. So, welcome home -

it's John Simpson. APPLAUSE

And a comedian who once went onto a cookery show

and made an omelette in 20 seconds.

You've heard of death by chocolate, this was death by salmonella.

It's Katherine Ryan. APPLAUSE

And, so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists each

read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before -

they've no idea what they'll be faced with -

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Katherine, you're first up tonight. OK.

My motto is - "Never give a child a one-syllable name,

"because life has taught me that people with one-syllable names

"are generally dim."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lee.

Hugh, me and you. You're all right. Me? War-wick, yeah, that's fine.

So, do you mean your own children, or nobody should

give their children one-syllable names? It's just my motto.

No-one should do it. Who do you base it on?

Anyone I've ever met with a... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't say ANYBODY you've ever met. Well, say what you're going

to say first, and let's see where it goes.

Anybody you've ever met... with a one-syllable name?

Yes. Keep going. In my country. Oh, here we go.

APPLAUSE Well, well rescued.

I'm from Canada, and it started with boyfriends. I dated a Bob,

I dated a Steve, and they were both... When was this? The 1970s?

Sorry, Rob, that's a fine name. Bob, though, it's quite...

Why is Bob a '70s name? Because Bob's not really the name of...

I'm guessing this was a few years ago.

It's not quite as "now" as Lee, I'll give you that.

I mean, that doesn't smack of 1970s inner city deprivation, does it?

I feel sorry for Dave in the middle there.

Hey, whoa, what about John? John's a very bright fella.

He's got one syllable. Well, I'm on this programme.

APPLAUSE

You have this attitude towards British people as well?

You were just saying that, weren't you? You actually do believe that

everyone with a one-syllable name...

I just think that, if you're expecting a child, you have a

long time to consider it. You want to give that child a name

that can transition them into any field of work in life.

Hugh, how do you feel about all this, being a one-syllable loser?

Are you offended?

I'm not a one-syllable, cos that is my middle name.

MURMURS OF INTRIGUE

My God, it's like EastEnders, isn't it?

My real name is Peter. Why are you called Hugh, then?

I've always called you Hugh.

Because, you know when you joined Equity?

Did you ever join Equity? 'Course I did! How dare you!

So, when you join Equity, you can't have two actors with the same name.

And there was another Peter Dennis, and he was...

I was like, 23, and he was in his mid-60s. So my agent wrote to Equity

and said, "Look, can our Peter Dennis be called

"Peter Dennis? Because there's no chance of confusion with

"the other Peter Dennis, who is about to retire, etc."

And they wrote back and said, "Under normal circumstances, that

"would be absolutely fine, but the problem is that the other

"Peter Dennis is the chairman of the Equity Name Change Committee."

So you don't see yourself as a one-syllable name, really?

God, no. No, no, no.

What's your partner's name?

My partner moved to Japan this morning, so...

What was his name? ..I think we broke up.

Are you serious? You think you broke up this morning?

I think so, cos he just moved to... You THINK so?

Wow. Lee, Lee, move on.

Did he have a one-syllable name? No, his name's Alex.

Alex. Yeah. Ah, lovely Alex. Or, as you'll now call him, Al.

Or Ex. APPLAUSE

Nice. That's good. I'm very good.

Can I ask a question? So, you live by this rule, but have you

ever thought about the psychology, what's going on here?

I have thought it through.

I think that dim parents just have dim children.

Can I just say, both my parents had one-syllable names.

This is all starting to stack up.

So, what do you think, Lee? Is she telling the truth,

or has she made this all up?

Under normal circumstances, I would say,

"She's just saying any old rubbish,"

but she's under a lot of stress at the moment,

because she broke up with someone. Not like last week, or a couple...

This morning. This morning.

That's added a new little energy to the room, hasn't it?

Well, you know, if it is her main motto, and I'm sorry to hear that

Alex has gone, but he's got two syllables, so it doesn't really

work, does it? Because obviously he IS dim, leaving you. Aww!

That was quite good. Oh, thank you.

So, you think it's a lie? Yeah, I tend to think that, yeah.

And you think...? I think it's a lie. We'd better go lie, then.

You're going to say lie? I hope it's a lie.

OK. Katherine, was it the truth, or were you telling a lie?

It was a lie. I lied about it all! APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Katherine doesn't go by the motto,

"Never give a child a one-syllable name." Warwick, you're next. Ah.

A possession. Ah. There will be a box under your desk. There is.

Put the object that's in the box on the desk first,

and then read the card, please.

This is the bottle of hand gel I use to wash my hands before I

handle my main bottle of hand gel.

David's team.

I think we can see the reasoning behind that.

So, explain your process.

In this day and age, you have to be very conscious of germs.

And I meet a lot of people and have to shake their hands, and some

of them, you know... Are diseased. ..potentially a bit unsavoury.

I will have a bottle of hand gel, cleanse my hands, then I can

get the other bottle of hand gel now,

the outside of which is not contaminated.

So the second bottle remains pure the whole time? Very pure, yeah.

But if you take the bottle in the hand you didn't shake

the person's hand with... Yes, yeah.

..so that hand is clean, all you need to do is just

pour it on both hands. You'll have no problem.

Yeah, you make it sound so easy.

I'll tell you how all this started, and I think there is some sort of...

It started when you picked up that box and opened it.

There is some sort of trauma that I've got, and it was from

a time being in a gents' toilet... Don't.

And what happened was... I have trouble reaching things in

the toilets, you see, and on one occasion I went for...

What are you trying to reach for?

No wonder you need this stuff.

This is how it developed. I squirted some of the cream soap on, right?

LEE SNORTS On the wall, OK?

But it was only then I realised I couldn't reach the tap.

From that moment on, I pack a couple of bottles of hand gel.

How soon after meeting us...? We were all here about tea-time today,

weren't we? You came in with a lovely... "Great to see you again."

Everyone was shaking hands. How soon after that did you

scurry away, reach into your pockets, and furiously...?

How long...? What's the gap?

Well, it's just whenever I would get a quiet opportunity.

I don't think this is the truth, because I've had several

interactions with Warwick Davis, and I don't think that this is

something I would have missed. He certainly didn't do it after...

IMMEDIATELY after I shook hands with him.

No. If he does it, he's subtle.

You have to be, don't you?

I mean, I can't be seen to be going, "Hello!"

You know, because that's rude, isn't it?

And it's not just "Hello, mmm."

It's "Hello, mmm, mmm."

You know how you can do it? If I'm sitting at a table

and I meet somebody, I can do it down here.

That's worse. APPLAUSE

That's definitely worse.

OK, it's time to take a guess. What are you going to say? It's a lie.

It's a lie? Lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. You're saying it's a lie.

Warwick, was it the truth, or was it a lie?

It was...

a lie. APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. That isn't the hand gel that Warwick uses before

his main bottle of hand gel.

John, you're next. OK.

I once crawled through passport control on my hands and knees

because I'd forgotten to pack my passport.

Lee's team. Where was this?

Er, Brussels.

On the way in, or on the way out? On the way out.

Oh, it's horrible when Brussels are on the way out.

So how...? When did you start the crawl?

There was a passport official, sitting there, at this high desk,

reading an adult magazine.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, stop. Stop. Let's get that image, first of all.

The man is at passport control, and he's reading a girlie magazine?

First of all,

why does he think he's allowed to do this and get away with it?

Well, it was 9:30 at night. I suppose he thought he'd had

the last passenger through. He, erm...

You honestly want us to believe that everyone's going through,

and he's, er...

When did you realise you didn't have your passport?

When I saw the desk, cos I put my hand in my pocket, and I realised

I'd left it in my wife's car when she'd dropped me off at the airport.

And how far would you say, approximately, the crawl was?

Shall I show you? Please do, yes. OK. That would be even better. OK.

Now, also, I get to look at all the, erm...

So he couldn't see me from behind.

Right. OK? That was the title of the magazine, was it?

I see he's looking at the magazine, I see he's not looking at me.

OK, so then you...? So I got up, and about here... Yeah?

I got down on my knees and I crawled along here

in front of him. The desk was much higher. OK. Much higher.

It was about.. Like that.

I think, actually, Rob, in your case,

you'd better stand on the chair. APPLAUSE

I would not put up with that. I would not put up with that.

I don't mind it from him, but from an educated man like you...

And so here...

Whoa! Oh, hello.

Not on there, Rob! Don't stand on the desk, you fool.

No, the desk is made out of papier mache.

Quite heroic, isn't it? It is. Magnificent.

OK. Now... APPLAUSE

OK. The desk is up to there.

And I came along like this, only on my hands and knees.

Yeah, go on, keep going. And then I carried on a bit.

And then I ran like the clappers!

Just stay... Just stay there a minute.

Just in case I ever forget my passport.

APPLAUSE

Do you want a hand getting down, Rob?

I'm all right. You're all right.

So, what are you thinking? It's pretty ridiculous, isn't it?

Actually, I think it's true. Oh, really? I'm going to go with true.

So, Warwick says it's a lie, Hugh says it's true.

I will say it's true. OK, John.

Truth or lie?

Well, it's in fact completely true.

Oh! APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the

genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to David's team

to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Michael.

APPLAUSE

So, Hugh, what is Michael to you?

This is Michael.

He once tried to sell the remains of my lunch for ?100.

Warwick, how do you know Michael?

This is my neighbour, Michael,

and I first met him when his shot put came over my garden fence.

Finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Michael?

This is Michael, and last summer, I threw his phone in a boating lake.

So, there we have it.

Is Michael Hugh's snack seller, Warwick's shot put slinger,

or Lee's phoneless friend?

David's team, where do you want to start?

Well, shall we start with Hugh?

What was this lunch, and where were you having it?

It was in a cafe in Cornwall... Oh, right. ..that Michael used to run.

And I had a... Well, I had a sandwich, I think.

Now, I knew nothing about this selling of my lunch

until much later.

I was told by a friend that, in fact, what had happened was that

Michael had set up this thing in the cafe,

called The Museum Of Celebrity Leftovers.

Sounds like the name of this show.

APPLAUSE

As far as I remember, there was this sort of little jar...

A jar? ..with the leftover of the particular person.

Sort of like a specimen bottle.

It wasn't like a proper leftover? It was just, essentially, crumbs?

It was crumbs, then put into a glass...

It wasn't just me. It was various celebrities. Various...

Who were the other celebrities that featured? Yeah. Jan Leeming.

I'll tell you what - at the moment, you are the best. Yeah.

Michael Winner, I think, was there. Oh, right. And...

..Prince Charles. Whoa! Prince Charles?

Do you know what Prince Charles had left?

I think it was bread and butter pudding.

How much did it go for, in the end?

I don't know. Surely you know how much your own memorabilia...?

The only bit of memorabilia I do know about was that, on eBay,

my autograph - ?1.35.

On a ?5 note, yes, yes.

Who would you like to ask next?

So, Warwick, Michael is your next-door neighbour? Yes.

What does Michael do for a living

that he can afford to live next to you?

He's a very successful businessman.

And so the shot put is just a hobby for him?

Well, it was something he used to do in his younger days.

He was in the army, and they used to have a sporting event,

and the shot put was his particular speciality.

So, if he... Describe the incident. OK. Erm...

I've got quite a large garden. I was having a walk round.

I was on a two-day expedition.

And I just heard a sort of thudding sound,

and you could almost feel the ground vibrate a little bit. Mm-hm.

And I thought, "What on earth was that?",

and looked around, and behind me was

what I thought at the time was a cannonball.

It had made a big divot in my lawn.

You thought you were under fire from a medieval army.

Yeah, well, I didn't know what had happened,

and your instinct is to look up, you know?

I don't know what I was expecting to see, but I looked around,

and then I heard this little voice go, "Sorry!"

And I looked towards the fence, and Michael was looking over...

If you'd had any sense, you'd have got it next to your head,

laid down like that.

Where there's blame, there's a claim.

May I approach Michael? You may approach Michael.

OK, so, like...

One of my many talents is that I can spot wealth in a man.

And yet, when I do this to women...

So, from your inspection, Katherine, do you think that Michael is

sufficiently affluent to live next door to Warwick?

Where do you think Warwick lives? In Graceland, or somewhere?

He's been in a few films! With no disrespect...

I doubt it's like Simon Cowell's house.

APPLAUSE What about Lee?

Erm, Lee. Yes. You threw Michael's phone in a lake.

See? He agrees. It's the truth.

Why did you throw his phone in a lake?

Because I was trying to give him his phone back.

And he was in a boat, on the lake? No. I was in the boat.

Do you know Michael?

No. How did you know it was his phone?

Because he was shouting at me from the bank.

Not the ba... I don't mean he was drawing money out, I mean the side.

He was saying, "Throw me my phone across the water," to somebody

he'd never seen before, and whose throwing qualities he didn't know?

No. This is what I heard at the time. "'Scuse me!"

DISTANTLY: "My te... in your boat."

"What?" He said, "I think I...tele...in your boat."

"Here, mate, you're miles away." And he said,

"My telephone is in your boat!"

And I thought, "That's an unusual way to talk,"

cos I was shaking his hand at the time.

Eventually, I worked out he was saying, "My phone is in your boat."

So, I sort of look around and, sure enough, under my seat was a phone.

Well, why didn't he just wait until you reached the shore?

Which is what he wanted to do. What he wanted to happen.

But I, being a bit more confident in my throwing abilities

than I should be, thought, "Well, I'll row towards him a bit."

And I went like that, and I just did the worst throw I've ever done.

And it just went straight into the water.

Do you know Michael's surname?

I don't, no.

How did you get on to him to invite him onto the programme?

Oh, I think you'll find that I don't deal with the admin.

APPLAUSE

But it seems to me not absolutely impossible that the admin

people would have said, "That's an interesting story, Lee." Yes.

"What's Michael's other name, so that we can get in touch with him?"

Well, you haven't heard the rest of the story, have you?

Cos I felt guilty, and so I decided to buy him a new phone.

And so I said, "Give me your number,"

cos obviously, his home number, "and I will phone you when I've

"got the other phone for you, and I'll deliver it."

So when the people working on this show heard the story and said,

"Cor, blimey, that's quite fascinating.

"I don't suppose you know his surname, do you?"

I said, "I don't, but I've got his number, right here."

They said, "Great. Chuck it over." Well, I threw it...

APPLAUSE It went straight out the window.

Landed in a puddle.

We need an answer.

So, David's team, is Michael Hugh's snack seller,

Warwick's shot put slinger, or Lee's phoneless friend?

Well, Hugh's story...

I don't think Hugh was even trying to make his story that believable.

No. And so there's a chance that it's a fiendish double-bluff,

and that means it's true.

I love the idea of a celebrity leftover museum. But it sounds...

What, do you?

I've been to Cornwall,

and it sounds like it could be quite an attraction.

APPLAUSE

Erm... Warwick's story, that could be true.

Michael, he looks like a shot putter. Mm-hm.

I mean, he wouldn't put it over somebody else's fence, would he?

So what are you saying? You think it's LEE? Well...

Katherine, which way are you leaning?

I feel like the shot put story is real,

and that is because Warwick looked up to Michael a lot.

I feel like they have a certain intimacy.

Then again, it could be on the boating lake, the phone mishap.

It is.

I feel like a more likely admin story as to why Michael is here,

after Lee throwing his phone off the boat,

is perhaps Michael got on social media, and was like,

"Lee Mack threw my phone into a lake,"

and the show reached out that way.

I don't want to stereotype,

but to me, Michael looks more like someone who threw a shot put in the

army a few years ago, than someone who's massive on social media.

Yes. APPLAUSE

So, what's it going to be? We're going to go with Warwick. Warwick.

OK. Michael, would you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Michael, and I did try to sell the remains of a lunch.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Michael.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's David.

Last summer, I lost a tennis match when

a bee buzzed up the leg of my shorts at a crucial moment.

Lee's team.

Right. What was the crucial moment?

Match point.

What was the score at that point, in sets?

I'll be honest - we only played one set.

And what was the score in games at that point?

At that point? Yes.

The score in games...

I think you know what I'm asking you, David. ..was 5-4.

To you? 3, 2, 1, I'm going to tell you...

It was 5-4. To you. No, no, I lost.

Oh, I see, at a crucial point.

Right, so, did this bee sting you, or did he come in,

have a quick shufti, and exit?

A shufti and exit. Did it exit out the other leg?

No. Or was anything blocking his passage?

Do you play regularly? I don't really, no.

I used to play more regularly, but now I play...

What standard would you say you are?

If zero is someone that's never played ever,

and ten is Boris Becker, what are you?

What's one?

Tim Henman.

Well, in which case, I'm probably a 0.3.

Would you give us a demonstration of your serve technique?

Oh, yes, that...

It would be lovely, I think, for Lee and his team if they had an idea.

They look at this serve, they say, "Well, there's a guy

"who wouldn't be bamboozled by a bumble," or maybe "he would."

All right. I have to say, I think this is totally pointless.

But I'll do it. Shall we say...?

I like a man who joins in with the fun.

I'm so sorry, this is just a waste of your time.

This is the racquet, in my right hand. David, why don't...?

I'm so sorry, I...

Rob... OK, caught it.

Ready? Are you going to actually...?

You're not going to fire it at me, are you?

No, I'll... Aim it over there. I'll zing it down that way.

Please do, yeah. OK.

Well, it's a bit... Bit tepid, David. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's barely even over the net. You don't believe I serve like that? No.

I want to see your feet off the ground, and put some...

I want to see you grunting.

Oh, hang on! Wait a minute!

Haven't got a ball, have you? It went over there.

All right, ready? Right, go on, then.

I'm going to grunt. Go for it. I'm going to put my back into this.

Go on, then. I'm going to show I want it.

What you doing that with your hand for?

You trying to get rid of the bees?

I'm bouncing the ball. Looks like you're congratulating a small child.

"Well done, son. You did very well."

OK, and... BZZZZ!

GRUNTS EXCESSIVELY APPLAUSE

That was lovely, thank you. That was lovely. That was...

That was more than we could ever have hoped for.

Thank you. What do you think?

He doesn't look like a tennis player.

He probably has picked up a tennis racquet.

I don't think he's claiming to be at county level.

He doesn't look like he would be at any level. No.

I just... I don't think...

I think that's a lie. You think it's a lie. Yeah.

Warwick. I think it's a lie, cos he...

Maybe a bee flew up his shorts when he was having an ice cream,

but he definitely wasn't...

That's the most belittling thing I've ever heard on this show.

OK, we'll say it's a lie. OK. David.

Was that the truth, or was it a lie?

It was a lie. APPLAUSE

BUZZER SOUNDS That noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show, and I can reveal that Lee's team

have won 4-1. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks for watching. Goodnight.

DISTANT RINGING What?!

DISTANT RINGING What?!