Episode 8 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where lying is the order of the day.

On Lee's team tonight is an actress who is well used to lying.

How else could she convince the nation she enjoyed kissing Sid Owen? It's Patsy Palmer!

APPLAUSE

And an actor who, after starring in the movie In The Loop,

is now on first-name terms with James Gandolfini.

Unfortunately, James thinks he's called Steve and works in the props department. It's Chris Addison!

APPLAUSE

And on David's team, we have a comedian with the looks

of a Greek god and the morals of a Greek waiter.

-It's John Bishop!

-APPLAUSE

And, you know, I've had the honour of working with some great comic actresses in my time.

But putting that to one side, here's half of Gavin And Stacey, it's Joanna Page!

APPLAUSE

So, Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.

They've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the tosh. Patsy, you're first. Please reveal all.

I got Wellard the dog drunk on the set of EastEnders.

David's team, is she telling the truth?

What, uh...

What's EastEnders?

-LAUGHTER

-What... Thank you.

Excellent.

-What's the alcohol in question?

-Vodka.

-Vodka.

How much vodka?

It was just, you know, like a small glass?

-That's small, is it?

-A small glass of vodka(!)

It was one of those small, round, flat-bottomed, little glasses.

-You've just described a glass!

-How did you get it in his mouth?

-I didn't put it in his mouth. We put it in his bowl.

-He thought it was water?

-Yeah.

-How far through it did he get before...?

-He drank the whole bowl.

I would have thought at some point, as a dog, you're going to go, "Something here is different."

Also if you're a dog, you smell your bowl and it's full of vodka,

you think, "This smells like a girl from Birmingham. It's clearly not water."

-Smell, that's it! That's what dogs do all the time.

-Exactly.

-Yes.

Why have you got a bottle of vodka on the set of EastEnders?

We didn't have a bottle of vodka, just a glass of vodka.

When we first started working there, all of the bottles of drink in the pub were real alcohol.

That strikes me as a flawed policy.

Not then. Now you couldn't have it, health and safety, but then there was real drink in the pub.

Is that why Den was so dirty cos everyone was just pissed?

-The vodka is diluted with water, so the dog doesn't notice?

-Yeah.

The whole place is stinking of booze anyway with all the pissed-up actors forgetting their lines!

He went a little bit funny and he laid down. It wasn't like he was punching people in the face.

You know, we did get really worried because he kind of did lay down. He was very quiet.

A bit like when he died, so we knew he could do that!

I think it's true because it's the sort of thing I'd do.

LAUGHTER

-To see what happens.

-What are you going to say?

I think, if you haven't at some point tried to make a dog drunk, you're not normal.

-I think it could be true.

-We think that almost anyone,

given enough time, sitting in the same room as some vodka and a dog,

will either put the vodka in the dog or the other way round.

-So we're saying "true", I think.

-True.

-OK, Patsy Palmer, is it the truth or is it a lie?

It's a lie.

-APPLAUSE

-Nice work, Patsy Palmer.

I would never do that to an animal.

It is a big, big lie. Patsy did not get Wellard the dog drunk on the set of EastEnders.

Of course, Bianca was there when Wellard was put to sleep after eating a chocolate.

She held him in her arms, sobbing as he died.

Patsy, they don't give Oscars for soap operas, but if they did,

-they'd have given one to Wellard!

-Yeah.

Joanna, you're next.

I recite my times tables every night before bed.

Why?

Because... I've always been rubbish at maths.

It just doesn't go in my head. My brain doesn't compute that way.

I can learn loads and loads of lines if I'm acting,

but I've never been able to get my times tables in.

And I thought, before I die, I want to be able to do my times tables.

And also when you go to a sale and you go shopping,

when it says 75% off a dress or 40%, I can't work that out.

I know it's thick and I feel embarrassed cos I'm sitting next to you and you've got a degree.

I'm a famous mathematician(!)

Actually, my secret identity is Percentage Man.

I thought, "I don't want to die and not be able to do my times tables."

- Could you recite them now? - Before I go to bed, my husband lies next to me and I do them.

-I say...

-It's nice to see that romance isn't dead!

"Dear, it's cold in the valleys." "Don't worry, I've got a game that'll cheer us up."

-What's the first one? It's not your two times table?

-Yeah, it is.

I've got as far as my six, I get to seven, don't go in.

What's seven times five? This is so embarrassing.

-35.

-35.

APPLAUSE

That is why I'm doing it. That's why I'm learning them.

-You might have "dyscalculus" like me, so you're not thick.

-Have what?

-Dyscalculia, same as dyslexia.

-Oh, yeah, right(!)

-Really?

I've got "shortulus".

Well, that's true.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Don't come round here giving any of that, sweetheart!

-You'll be barred from this bloody pub!

-But you might have that. You're not thick.

If there are any kids watching, you're not thick if you can't add up.

-You're a bit thick.

-It's a bit late, isn't it?

You're not bright. Let's say that.

Do you do it every single night? Even if you come in really pissed, you still do your times tables?

Yeah, I still try to do it. Yeah.

If there's a dress for 80 quid and it says "50% off", will you struggle?

Right, well... No, that would be £40, wouldn't it?

But I've got to check. I can't say it straight off.

What I often find is in shops when they take a percentage off the original price,

they will also tell you the subsequent price.

It's quite a minority of shops that make you work it out.

-No...

-If you get it wrong, that's what you pay. Even if it's less than they wanted to charge.

They go, "I hope we don't get one of those dyscalculus people in.

"They thought it was 50p!"

-Lee, is she telling the truth?

-What have you cracked?

-I've cracked one, two, three, four, five...

-One?! You mean you've learned how to count?

You've cracked the ones, the twos.

I cracked seven the other night, but I can't do it now.

One seven is seven... This is my worst nightmare.

One seven is seven, two sevens are 14, three sevens are 21,

-four sevens are 28, five sevens...

-35.

-Five sevens are 35, six sevens are 42.

Seven sevens are 40... Right, this is... 49!

49. Eight sevens are 54?

-52?

-Higher!

-56.

-56. What was that?

Nine sevens are 56? Ten sevens are 70, 11 sevens are 77, 12 sevens are 84.

APPLAUSE Eighty...eight, nine... 92!

-Right, so...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't clap. It's not The Jeremy Kyle Show!

-It's the seven times table!

-I think this could be a cracking new round. Don't you?

Lee, is it the truth?

I think it's a lie. Why do you think it's a lie?

That's the last thing you need before you go to bed.

-I think it's true.

-We'll go with Patsy then.

So, Jo, truth or lie?

That is...

true! APPLAUSE

Well done, Patsy.

Yes, it's true.

Jo, I've got a mental arithmetic problem for you.

If you take one husband and recite multiplication tables at him seven nights a week,

how many divorce lawyers will he need?

John, you're next.

I had a job where we started each day with a motivational song.

-Lee's team?

-What was this job?

-It was...

-Don't give him time to think of the song!

-The job was selling vacuum cleaners.

-What was the song?

-There were a few songs.

-Give us your favourite.

-Me favourite, um...

Me favourite one was, eh...

# We sell Kirby cleaners, we sell Kirby cleaners

# Suck, suck We sell Kirby cleaners... #

Was it on the phone or was it in a shop?

No, it was, eh...

It was door-to-door vacuum cleaner selling.

Door-to-door vacuum... What year was this? 1946?

When was this? It would have been...

one of my first jobs when I left school, so it would have been in the '80s.

-What was your other song? You had a few.

-It was a long time ago.

You used to go in... There was always a fight on a Monday morning for the tambourine.

Then the boss would say, "Here's the songs for today." There'd be like three or four songs.

We'd have to sing the songs, then we'd have to face the window

and throw our negative thoughts out the window, so we could go and sell.

Why didn't you just hoover up the negative thoughts?

Did you get commission on how many hoovers you sold?

Yeah. You know when you see those adverts in the paper and it's like,

"Are you sad and lonely? I used to be, but now I have a speedboat, two girlfriends and a house in France.

"If you want to be like me, phone Chas after seven." It was one of those...

I worked for a sales company when I was 16.

They gave us a bottle of wine and a packet of ProPlus every morning to motivate us.

-Wine and ProPlus?

-You were pissed and on drugs selling life insurance?

But they did. That's what they did, so you never know.

-What do we think?

-I think he's lying.

-Patsy?

-Let's say "lie".

-You're saying "lie"?

-It's a lie.

So, John Bishop, were you telling the truth just then or were you in fact telling a lie?

I was telling...the truth.

Aaagh! APPLAUSE

Yes, it was true.

Which means, at the end of that round, it's Lee in the lead by three points to two.

The next round is This Is My... where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Each of Lee's team will claim the genuine connection and David's team must spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest Mark.

APPLAUSE

Welcome, Mark. So, first off, Patsy, what is Mark to you?

This is Mark and he is currently teaching me to swim

to overcome my fear of the water.

-Right. Lee?

-This is Mark and he started the pub darts team that I play in,

but I had to ask him to leave because he was so bad.

-Finally, Chris, your relationship with Mark?

-Mark is my next-door neighbour.

He lost a bet of £200 that In The Loop would win an Oscar,

so I gave him my wheelbarrow.

There we are. What could be simpler?

Patsy's swimming teacher who cured her fear of water,

Lee's sacked darts team-mate or Chris's neighbour who likes a bet.

-David's team, where would you like to start?

-Darts. How can anyone be bad at darts?

What standard of darts playing are you expecting?

Two out of three darts in the board would have been sufficient.

-What did you say to him to chuck him out?

-Patsy, can you be Mark?

Yeah.

This might involve acting, but just go with it.

-Mark...

-Yeah.

-That's you. Yeah, you're Mark.

-You know this whole darts thing?

-Yeah.

-And you keep missing the board?

-Hmm.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

We don't like the fact that you keep trying to get the dog drunk

and also we'll have to let you go because you keep missing the board.

I cannot imagine YOU would say that to HIM.

LAUGHTER

There's not a chance you're going to say, "Listen, mate, you set up the darts team,

"but big Lee Mack's in the room. Get off!"

-How seriously did you take this darts team?

-I take darts very seriously.

-Do you?

Ask me any check-out.

I don't know what that means.

151.

That's your classic treble 20, treble 17, tops.

I don't know if that's true or not, but it could be.

-164.

-That'll be treble 20, treble 18, bull.

Bull, what's bull? A hundred and eigh...ty?

You work that out...

-He's getting the numbers right.

-Is he getting the numbers right?

-Just say "180" again, Jo.

-A hundred and eigh...ty!

I feel like we've just engaged with foreplay!

Ohh! She's at 180. We're on for a good 'un tonight!

Wait till I get to 69!

Did he set up another team?

Did he walk away and say, "I'll give up darts because Lee told me..."?

He struggled because he went round saying, "I'd like to set up a darts team." "Any experience?"

"I just recently left one because I was thrown out for being terrible."

That's not the usual next question, "Have you had any experience?"

You're either interested in playing a bit of recreational darts or not.

-Recreational darts?

-"I'm a busy man. I want to play in a high level darts team..."

-Darts is a serious sport!

-David, do you want to move on?

-Yes, OK.

Chris, why did you feel the need,

when your neighbour had bet some money on a film you were involved in winning an Oscar,

why did you make up the loss for him with the gift of a wheelbarrow?

I live in a terraced house. The houses next door are flats.

It's a communal garden and Mark is the only one who looks after them.

Mark's never seen the film, but he went to the bookies, put 200 quid on it and lost it.

In the conversation that we were discussing this, it came up that he needed a wheelbarrow.

And I felt bad cos he'd sort of staked it cos it's me...

So if he'd said, "I could do with a leg-over," you'd have said, "There's me missus"?

No, John. No, I wouldn't.

I don't know how things work where you live,

but wheelbarrows and women are not the same thing where I'm from.

You may well have given the wheelbarrow to assist him in cleaning up the communal gardens,

but surely you didn't give it to him as compensation for your film not winning the Oscar.

I sort of intended to offer... that he might borrow it. It kind of got out of hand.

Patsy, you have a fear of water, is that right?

I did, yeah.

Have you had this all your life or was it some harrowing experience you could amuse people with?

I think so, but I didn't really know that I had it.

How did you not know you were scared of what surrounds us?

Um, because I've always swum, but I just...

You swam, but you didn't know you were shitting yourself...

But you wouldn't refuse to swim?

No, I swam. We had to swim when we were kids. We just used to get put in. It was freezing cold.

The teachers used to make you get in and that was worse

because it was freezing cold, kids would be crying, swimming, but they did make you get in.

Sounds like you're talking about Dunkirk!

So you already could swim before you encountered Mark to teach you to swim?

Yeah...

How was your first lesson?

When Mark said, "Let's have a go at the water," and you did 20 lengths, what did he say after that?

I didn't do 20 lengths.

So you have some lessons to improve the efficiency of your swimming, you get into the water and realise,

"Oh, my God, I hate it here! This has been the problem.

"It wasn't the efficiency of my kicking and arms. It was that I hated it!"

No, I just realised that I was actually quite scared of water.

That's why I don't swim very well. I don't breathe under water.

None of us breathe under water. That's a standard human thing.

No, you can breathe under water. No, you can't.

Mark, this should have been lesson number one!

Just cos I throw you out the darts team and you're looking for a new career!

-Telling people they can breathe under water!

-Right, David, we need an answer.

Lee gives every impression of knowing a bit about darts,

but I'm not the best person to scrutinise that.

He knows his darts. That doesn't mean that story is true.

I believe Chris cos of the wheelbarrow or I believe Patsy cos Mark looks quite built.

-Who will you go for?

-I'd go with Patsy.

I think Patsy, yeah.

So you're saying Patsy's swimming instructor. Mark, reveal your true identity.

I am Patsy's swimming instructor and I helped her get over her fear of water.

APPLAUSE

So, Mark, the first thing I want to clear up is this thing

of telling her it is possible to breathe under water.

It's not quite true. She does very good front crawl and breathes out under water, doesn't breathe in.

Thank you, thank you. APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,

where our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.

They don't know if they're about to read out a true fact or a made-up lie they've never seen before.

And we're starting with...

David.

-Ah, possession.

-Take out a small box underneath the desk there.

Have a look inside and show us what's there.

LOUD THUMP

This is my special travel dressing gown.

LAUGHTER

It's true! Definitely true! We need to hear no more, David.

-It is true without any shadow of a doubt.

-I'm contractually obliged to finish the card.

It's the one item I always pack when I go on holiday.

First, could we have the full modelling of the dressing gown?

-Give us a nice twirl.

-Can we smell it?

I think you should come out here.

Enjoy the space. Oh, he's having trouble putting it on.

Well, he's not abroad. He's confused.

-Have you forgotten the cord?

-The cord is missing.

Just hold it as though it were done up, so we get a proper idea.

-Yeah.

-Could you mime smoking a pipe and solve a crime?

Oh, I'd love that.

LAUGHTER

-Can I ask, where did you get it from?

-Eh...

-1924!

-I think it's from Marks & Spencer's.

-In 1924!

-Did you say, "It's my special TRAVEL dressing gown"?

Yes. I don't know if "travel dressing gown" is a technical term.

But I have two dressing gowns. This is one.

The other is a thicker, towelling dressing gown which takes up more space in a suitcase.

Do you take pyjamas? Do you wear anything under it?

-Yes, I...

-I feel sick.

What I don't do is I don't tend to wear it over normal clothes like this.

That is the worst sexy chat line I've ever heard in my life!

-You...

-"I'm naked under here."

To be honest, Lee, I don't know why you come into so many encounters with me expecting arousal.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Does that go with you on any trip or certain trips?

-No, only if I'm going to stay the night somewhere.

-Obviously, yeah...

I didn't think you were walking round Dixons in it!

Is he telling the truth or is he constructing a lie?

-Patsy?

-True.

-It's true?

-Yeah.

-Chris?

-Based on the design of the dressing gown and his demeanour, I think they fit.

So, Lee, what's it going to be?

-I'll say that's true.

-David, is it true or is it a lie?

-It is true.

-APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. That is David's special dressing gown.

It's just a dressing gown. It's not my special dressing gown like I think it's got a personality!

It's David's SPECIAL dressing gown.

You are never going to get away from that now. Everyone who sees this show will look at you and see that.

My entire image has been destroyed by this show.

I was a cool guy who was into music and modern art before this show,

before all the stuff about dressing as an 18th century nobleman and having a little bell came out.

The travel dressing gown is just the tip of the iceberg of naffness!

Just so we're in no doubt, that is David's SPECIAL dressing gown.

Next...

Lee.

I once lost a game of swingball to a chimpanzee.

David's team?

-OK, um...

-Why were you with a chimpanzee?

I was visiting a zoo in South Africa

and the trick that the chimpanzee could do was play swingball.

And we all took it in turns to have a go and I'd had a few to drink and he beat me.

-What time of day was this?

-Time of day?

-Yes.

-Before the monkey's bedtime.

-Are you refusing to answer?

-No, but I don't know if you mean South African time or English time.

-I think there's an hour's difference. Do you mean South African time?

-Yes, the local time.

Sorry, you've thrown me a bit because most of the time...

Local time at the zoo of your match against the chimpanzee.

Over the years, I've been using this anecdote.

"Did I tell you about when I played swingball with a chimpanzee?" No-one has said, "What time of day was it?"

It threw me for a second. Most people go, "A chimpanzee? Swingball?

"Tell us more, you interesting person!"

What's different is that when you tell that as an anecdote in the pub,

-people will go, "It's polite to go along with the bullshit that Lee talks."

-No, they're interested!

APPLAUSE

Why were you in South Africa?

No, I want the time of day, the time of day!

-The time of day...

-Make up a time of day!

I couldn't beat a chimpanzee at swingball because I was drunk. How will I remember the time of day?

I'm thinking, "I'm terrible at this and it's only a quarter to three...three(!)"

What I'm trying to get at is why were you going round a zoo pissed?

Oh, I see.

It's not a usual post-pub trip.

"Let's have a few jars. I tell you what, I fancy a trip round the zoo

"because at around about one in the morning, they get the chimp out

"and the chimp takes people on at swingball.

"The chimp likes nothing more than a load of pissed contestants."

We don't all go to the British Museum for stag weekends.

-But zoos aren't open after the pub!

-No, no, it was afternoon. We'd been drinking since the morning.

-You'd had a boozy lunch?

-We'd had a boozy morning. We started at 11. Arrest me!

Why didn't you go and see some strippers?

We were that drunk, we thought we were. We thought that was a pole.

"This is a rubbish pole dancing club. That pole dancer hasn't any tits and hasn't shaved for ages!"

It was awful. I'm not going to lie. We were about to walk out.

But then someone said, "No, it's a swingball-playing chimpanzee."

"It's even better than we thought. I wondered why she wasn't letting me put ten quid in her bra?"

-Before someone phones the RSPCA...

-It was a consenting chimpanzee.

I don't think he'd say, "I quite like it here at the zoo,

"but what would make it peachy was if I could take on some visitors at swingball, badminton at a push."

-I don't think that happened.

-He had no choice.

He had no choice. That's my point! Right...

-Is it the truth or is it a lie?

-I thought it was a lie, but it seems the sort of thing he'd do.

What? Why?

-I think it's a lie, but I'm happy to be...

-I'll go with "lie".

-We'll go with "lie".

-You all say it's a lie?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Lee, truth or lie?

-It is in fact...a lie.

-APPLAUSE

Yes, it is a lie. Lee has never lost a game of swingball to a chimpanzee.

For the record, it was Scrabble.

-BUZZER

-That noise signals time's up and it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team have five points,

but the victors with seven are Lee's team!

-APPLAUSE

-We're the champs!

But it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week is Joanna Page!

APPLAUSE

Yes...

Joanna Page. And let me assure you that's not favouritism because she's Welsh.

SPEAKS IN WELSH

REPLIES IN WELSH

Good night!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2010

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