Episode 1 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a comedian who used to sell furniture.

A shabby dresser, a knackered tallboy, a leathery old pouf,

it didn't matter what people shouted at him,

he carried on selling that furniture. It's Micky Flanagan.

APPLAUSE

And a TV star who's most famous for presenting the BBC News.

Reading autocue can be tricky, you've got to make sure

you don't accidently wrong the words say. It's Fiona Bruce.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a presenter

who last year came top of a poll for TV's most irritating hair cut,

a decision still being contested by Micky Flanagan's lawyers.

It's Claudia Winkleman.

APPLAUSE

And lock up your daughters, sisters, mothers, aunts and grannies.

It's Steve Jones.

APPLAUSE

So we begin with Round One, Home Truths

where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

And it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Tonight, we start with Micky.

I once livened up a lacklustre hen do

by taking my clothes off for the ladies.

I don't know much about religious cultures,

what is a lacklustre Hindu?

-Hen do.

-Oh! There was a misunderstanding.

-Where were you?

-I was in Minorca.

Yeah, there was a group of girls sort of wandering round

a little bit, forlorn like, you know...

Was it a restaurant, Micky?

A town square, a restaurant, what was it?

It was in a sort of restaurant-bar type thing.

-I know what you mean.

-You know with an outside area.

-Who were you with?

-I was with my now wife

and someone else's wife and you know.

LAUGHTER

I just went around asking various wives if they cared

to spend time in Spain with me.

So what did you do again?

I could see the girl sort of walking around tables, talking to men,

and then suddenly she came up to me

and said, "Oh, would you do a, um, strip for us?"

And your now wife and your then wife were like, go ahead?

My wife's a very open-minded person.

Hey, you don't have to tell me about it.

LAUGHTER

So she said, would you do a strip?

To be honest with you, I initially said no

and it was my wife who went, you should do it.

Why?

Because I'm a great dancer.

Micky, is there any chance you could give us some visual proof

because you just said you're a great dancer.

If I could see a bit then I may believe the story a bit more.

To be honest, I can't remember what I did.

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Come on!

Oh. I see your wife's in.

LAUGHTER

Peer group pressure.

Yeah, it's not a group really. It's just one person

who shouted "come on" in a TV recording.

It could spread though, David. I've seen it spread.

So go on, Micky, so there you were, in the restaurant,

your wife said, go on, Micky, have a strip.

What happened next?

I, sort of, then had to set the scene.

Set the scene?

Did you have props?

Not props but I knew I'd need a stage and a pole.

What?

I don't think male strippers have poles, do they?

Why not? A man can swing round a pole, can't he?

I think you're thinking of Morris dancers.

I told them to play Keep Your Hat On, classic.

And I sort of just improvised from there, really.

So just by complete coincidence, they had the song you asked for?

Yeah, well, I went and checked with the DJ.

What kind of restaurant was it?

I would say dubious.

I think the sort of restaurant where there's a DJ and a pole,

you start to doubt the quality of the paella.

And how much did you take off?

I sort of got to my pants and then I could see across the restaurant

bar, diner, alfresco area, my wife went to me...

HE MOUTHS

Even though ten minutes earlier she'd said,

you should strip for them. They're sad, they're having a rubbish time.

I said she was open-minded, she's got standards.

No, she hasn't.

LAUGHTER

OK, I want to try and set this scene. You're there,

the hen is there, your two wives are there.

We're wondering, is he going to do it, is he going to do it?

You scamper up to the DJ, you have a word, and you say, hit it.

MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On

I think we've seen enough. We've seen enough, we've seen enough.

Fiona, on behalf of the BBC, I offer a full and profound apology.

Please don't press charges.

OK. What are you thinking, Lee?

Here's my problem, is I think that a gang of girls who were on a hen

aren't lacklustre. If you've already got on a plane,

you've committed, you're in, you're on board.

But Claudia I would say,

that once I'd got over the slight kind of..."Oh, my God,

"what's going on?" thing, there was a moment,

when Micky put his knee on my shoulder

and I thought,

this has gone from lacklustre...

to stellar.

Yeah.

Yeah, I fancy a pint of Stella after that.

So, what are you thinking?

Ah, I don't know. This is a tough one, because

there's something about Micky that says he would do it.

CLAUDIA: Course he would.

This is not real. It's horribly vague, it's all over the shop.

So you think it's a lie. You think it's...?

-I think it's totally true.

-I'll go with true.

OK. Micky, truth or lie?

It is...

true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Micky did liven up a hen do by taking his clothes off.

Steve, you're next.

I once saved P Diddy's life.

-Erm, David.

-How?

Well, hang on, before we get there. David. P Diddy.

LAUGHTER

Where does one begin?

A rapper, a singer, very popular sells a lot of records.

Right.

We can have a look at a photo. Here he is, take a look,

for viewers at home perhaps.

-That's the man whose life I saved.

-DAVID: Right.

FIONA: So, how did you do it?

Er, he was drowning and I saved him. I jumped in and I saved him.

You were lucky he was drowning,

because you couldn't have saved him from drowning if he'd been choking.

What was he drowning in?

Water.

OK, where was this? Where was this?

St Tropez.

Get you. You and P Diddy in the sea in St Tropez.

-Yes, indeed.

-So were you...you were socialising with P Diddy beforehand,

you didn't just happen to come across him.

Yeah, we were socialising. We were on the same boat together.

Hang on a minute. Are you Welsh?

Yes, I'm a Welsh person.

Then I find this very hard to believe.

-OK.

-So why were you on this boat?

We have a mutual friend who owns a boat.

-What, you and P Diddy?

-Yes.

Derek Evans from Pontypridd.

LAUGHTER

Derek has been very close to Diddy for some years now.

-When was this?

-Five years ago. Four or five years ago.

Four or five years, all right.

Why were you both in St Tropez at the same time?

It was Cannes at the time.

And we just went there to party and she said, one day, "Oh, P Diddy

"is joining us tomorrow." And I was like, oh, cool.

-And why did you get invited?

-Uh...

LAUGHTER

Harsh, bit harsh.

I'm friends with the lady who owns the boat,

and her friend's with P Diddy, so.

Did he come on his own or did he have some of his entourage with him?

He came with one giant body guard.

-And so they get on the boat, him and the body guard.

-Yep.

-And then he goes for a swim or does he fall off?

-They....

Or was he pushed?

We got pretty steaming that night when he got on the boat,

it was a bit of a raucous party. The next morning

he was a bit hung-over, I remember him saying, "Yo, I'm hung-over."

And I was like, "Yeah. We all are."

Did he think your name was Yo?

Yeah, possibly.

He was hungry and I remember him

eating a big bowl of pasta for lunch.

Then he was like, I'm going to go for a dip.

And he jumped into the ocean.

I thought you said he couldn't swim.

Well, this is... OK, let me finish!

I'm sorry, as he dived, he went, "Oh, I can't!"

"ARGH, I can't swim! I forgot!"

I've done that. Haven't you done that?

Know what I mean? We've all done it.

Who's team are you on?

So was this wasn't a very high boat then?

Well, it was like a speed boat that was part of the bigger boat.

We took the smaller boat to go out into the open ocean to swim.

So you took him further from somewhere where he might be saved.

I'm not his father. I'm not like, "P Diddy, can you swim?"

He just jumped in.

I think, if I was socialising with a rap star,

I might not ask them whether or not they can swim

-before they go swimming. I think.

-Oh, I would.

-You would.

Yeah, because if they jump in then suddenly they're drowning

they'll start...

HE MAKES GUNSHOT NOISES

Start shooting it up, you know.

So you've got into a smaller boat.

He jumps off the smaller boat.

I didn't think much of it, I turn around to look

how he's doing. I just glance. It's P Diddy, you're going to look.

And he's got his hands balled into fists

-and he's kind of doing this.

-That is a fatal error.

Hitting the water with clenched fists and I thought he was messing around.

Like he's trying to destroy the sea.

I couldn't work it out.

My nemesis!

LAUGHTER

So I jumped in, I swam across to him,

and I'm like, "You're OK, calm down." He's like, "Argh, help!"

and I grabbed him around his chest like this and, kind of,

swam back to the boat and you know got him on the ladder

and he said thanks.

And I was like, you're welcome, P Diddy.

All right, so what are you thinking, David?

This is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard.

I think that is P Diddy, if he'd have done anything that stupid

and you would have saved him he'd have said to you,

"Nobody ever hears about this, do you understand?"

The various rap stars whose lives I've saved,

they've all sworn me to secrecy.

So David, truth or lie?

Well, I think we think it's a lie.

You're saying a lie. Steve Jones, P Diddy, truth or lie?

It is...

-true.

-No!

APPLAUSE

-Good call.

-Not bad.

Our next round is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Laura.

APPLAUSE

So, Fiona, what is Laura to you?

This is Laura, she fell asleep when she came on the Antiques Roadshow

while an expert was valuing her egg cups.

Micky, how do you know Laura?

This is Laura, she owns my local chippy,

and she said if I got her close to Steve,

she would give me free chips for the rest of the year.

Finally, David, what's your relationship with Laura?

This is Laura, she's the first woman I ever bought flowers for.

I gave them to her to say sorry

for being sick on her floor.

So there we are.

Fiona's conked out collector, Micky's chip shop chum,

or David's bouquet buddy. Lee's team.

So, Micky. When was this incident?

It's not an incident.

It's built up over time because I've been going in there

and Laura says to me, oh, I've seen you on the TV

and we got chatting and she's always going on about Steve.

"Do you ever work with Steve?" And I was like, yes.

-Oh, and this is coincidence?

-He's young, good looking. I'm like, thanks.

-What's the name of the chip shop, Micky?

-The Zappian.

-The what?

-The Zappian.

-The Zappian.

-What does that mean?

-The Zappian.

I don't know. Not everything makes sense in the world.

All I know is, I used to live very near you, as you know,

and I don't remember the....

Hence the court case.

Yes. I don't remember the Zappian chip shop.

I sort of stumbled on it, if anything.

It was sort of en route

because I would normally go to the Cod Father,

as you know, in East Dulwich.

I prefer the new one, the Cod Father II.

Set the scene and talk us through the moment

when you knew you were going to be on with Steve

and you had this thing to tell. How did it go?

I come in with my little boy, Friday night tradition,

we go and get fish and chips, right, OK.

I know you see your boy on a Friday night.

Yeah, but he, he finishes playing... He finishes...

I get the tag removed for the evening and go and pick him up.

I walk in, and I say to her, I'm only on with that Steve Jones

that you always go on about, blah. You know, roughly. We have a chat.

-This is what...

-And she says...

She said, "Could you get me on the show? I'd love to meet him."

-And I said, "Yeah, I think I can."

-Yeah.

I didn't run round there and knock her up in the morning...

Well, that...

LAUGHTER

Micky. No-one doubts what you'll do for a free bag of chips.

Laura, Laura, can you look, look at me, Laura?

Laura's not allowed to speak, Steve.

-No, she's not speaking, just looking.

-She's not allowed.

She's not drowning, Steve. You can't touch her.

-She's not allowed to look at me?

-No.

-She can look at you.

That's all I want. I'm not going to speak to her.

That's how it always starts, isn't it?

Now is this close enough?

FIONA: He wants to see if she looks adoringly, doesn't he? That's the thing.

She couldn't look any less interested.

LAUGHTER

This lady does not care for me.

Not at all.

Not in the slightest. Nothing.

And yet...

You watch what happens now.

LAUGHTER

OK. Fiona, were you the person

interviewing her when she fell asleep?

No, it was it was one of our experts,

Will Farmer, who's a ceramics specialist,

and so he was the one who was talking to her.

So you didn't witness this event.

This is something you found out later.

No, no, I did witness it, because I saw it on the monitor.

I waited to see what would happen,

because I thought it was pretty funny.

Thought it was funny? "I think this woman just died.

"She's going to be an antique soon."

You'd be surprised how often people do fall asleep on the Roadshow,

-because it's a very long day.

-I wouldn't.

-Oh.

-How many egg cups was it?

-Well, I don't know how many were in the entire collection,

but on the table were about a dozen.

-Are...

-How... Sorry.

-Are you sure...?

-How... Sorry.

-You ask.

-No, no, please.

-Did you...?

-How?

LAUGHTER

I promise you, right, I won't do it again.

-Claudia, have you got a question?

-Yeah, I do. Um...

Nyah!

LAUGHTER

Did Laura immediately say, yes I've fallen asleep?

Like, did she... Was she open about it or did she wake up

and do that thing where, I think I got away with this.

-She kind of went like that...

-How much?!

Tell me the period of time

from when you noticed her falling asleep to when she woke up.

It was only it was only about 30 seconds probably, it's not that...

-30 seconds?!

-That's a long time on television, to have someone falling asleep.

-This didn't end up in the finished show?

-It didn't.

-And Laura was embarrassed?

-Because I'm sorry, Laura. The egg cups weren't interesting enough.

-Oh, dear.

OK, David, tell us your fact again if you can remember it.

Well, she's the first woman I ever bought flowers for

-and it was to say sorry for being sick on her floor.

-Right.

When was this?

I was a student, so it would have been in the...the mid '90s.

Was it a party?

It was, sort of... There were a group of people

had gone back to her room after being at a bar...

David, just so you know, that's called a party.

Well, no, no, well... What I'm saying is,

invitations hadn't been issued.

-Right.

-Right.

-You don't have to...

LAUGHTER

-There's a gang of you, you've gone back...

-Yeah.

You're drunk, at what point do you throw up?

-Are you on all fours?

-Claudia, wait a minute,

-we don't know if he was drunk or not, he might have just...

-Were you drunk?

-I was drunk.

-OK.

-Right.

So you get back to the room, you put on some music, what do you do?

-I, well... There was definitely drinking.

-Yes.

-I think there might have been crisps.

-Right.

I'll tell you what, all the clues are saying party.

It is looking that way, isn't it?

There was a brief... a brief round of musical statues

but it didn't really...

No, I remember sitting on a sofa and drinking,

and then...then it goes a bit... And my memory fades slightly.

-I think I might have fallen asleep.

-Before that.

Dozed off, passed out.

And then suddenly, you wake up and you think,

I'm not going to make it. Do you ask for a bucket?

No, I didn't think I was going to die.

I don't remember much. I remember, I wake up,

I'm definitely going to be sick in a minute

and I essentially have enough time to lean forward.

Oh.

-And, and then someone produces a bin.

-Yes.

Sort of, I would say, 60% of the way through the process.

And what about the flowers, when did they come into it?

The next day.

I woke up the next day and felt very hung-over, and quite guilty.

-Did she clean it up, did she say? Didn't ask.

-I think she cleaned it up.

But I certainly... What I didn't say is, here's some flowers

and if it's still festering there, I'll go and clean it up now.

All right. We need an answer, so, Lee's team. Is Laura...

I'm so confused.

..Fiona's conked out collector, Micky's chip shop chum,

or David's bouquet buddy?

-Who do you want to rule out?

-Micky!

You want to rule Micky out.

The Zappian that make... What, who, what?

So you want to rule out Micky for no other reason

than the name of the chip shop.

The other thing is, I don't want to get pernickety,

but unless Micky has some magical line to the producer who goes,

"Who's on?" three weeks in advance...

I found out who I was with, I think, today,

like, I don't think you know that far.

To be honest with you, Claudia,

some people get booked well in advance.

LAUGHTER

Was it just me?

I think I think she went to university with David

and he threw up on her carpet.

-STEVE:

-Mitchell's not vomiting on people's carpets.

He's a class act, he doesn't vomit on floors.

The one thing you can say about vomit is that everyone's done it

including the Queen.

That is treason!

You conjuring up the image in people's minds

of Her Majesty hunched over the toilet bowl

heaving and heaving and heaving? You disgust me.

-Would it not...?

-Her crown falling in.

Picking it out, giving it a rinse.

-Right, so, Claudia, you're saying David. You're saying?

-Micky.

-Micky. We'll go with Micky.

-OK, you're saying Micky.

-Right, Micky.

-OK.

Right. Laura, would you please reveal your true identity.

My name is Laura,

and David gave me flowers after he was sick on the carpet.

Yes.

Laura is David's bouquet buddy. Thank you, Laura.

Thank you very much.

Which brings us to our quick fire round, Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Fiona.

I have a recurring dream in which a monkey in silver hot pants

-feeds me soup from a bowler hat.

-Oh.

-Lee's team.

-Do you find primates attractive?

It's that primates find me attractive.

Well, we've seen that with Micky earlier.

LAUGHTER

When was the first time you had this dream?

I've been having this dream since adolescence.

OK, what kind of monkey is it?

I don't know exactly what type. It's a bit like a capuchin monkey,

it's quite small.

Are they the ones with the frothy bit and the chocolate on the head?

How does the dream affect you?

When you wake from a night having had this dream,

do you awake fulfilled, are you...

Are you a better... That's not what I meant and you know that.

Do you wake in a good frame of mind or are you troubled?

I am satisfied, I am sated, I am replete.

Where are you in the dream when the monkey's...feeding you, did you say?

-What are you wearing?

-I don't notice.

-Yeah, what are you wearing?

-I... No, that doesn't.

I never notice that, it doesn't form part of the dream.

Do you think there's any amorous connotations to this dream?

You've got the little Kylie Minogue hot pants on,

probably why you can't get it out of your head.

APPLAUSE

So what do you think? Could this be true?

I think it's so brilliant,

but I think Fiona might just be a fantastic liar.

-She was very quick on her answers. I think it was.

-True.

-I think it's true.

-CLAUDIA: Let's go true.

-We'll go with true.

OK, Fiona Bruce, truth or lie?

It is...

a lie.

Oh. You did it so well.

APPLAUSE

Yes, lie. Fiona doesn't have a recurring dream

where a monkey in silver hot pants feeds her soup from a bowler hat.

Next...

it's Lee.

Oh, possession.

Right. There should be a box under your desk.

Would you first of all read the card out

and then take the possession out and pop it on the desk.

This is the set of keys I carry around with me every day.

I know what every single one is for,

apart from one.

LAUGHTER

OK, pop the box back on the floor.

Just take us through the set of keys, Lee.

In your own time, please don't feel you have to rush.

It's not in his own time,

it's all of our time, really, isn't it, but OK, carry on.

So, now, I've got three keys that look very similar,

so I have to put those little things on

-to give you the different colours.

-Yeah.

And these colours help me a lot

because that's for the blue door, that's for the green door

and that's for the yellow door.

Now.

I'll never forget because the blue door is blue,

the yellow door is yellow

and the green one is my next door neighbour's, Shakin' Stevens, and...

What lies behind those doors?

-That's my front door key.

-And that's blue?

-Which genuinely is a blue door, my front door.

-OK.

The green one genuinely is my next door neighbour's key

-but it isn't Shakin' Stevens.

-FIONA: Yep.

I'm not an idiot. It's Howard Jones.

And the yellow one... the yellow one is, um,

the key for the door at the back of the house.

Now this, this one that's... the key for the front door

that the...bottom lock, where, what do you call that?

Bolt. Bolt.

Yes, I wish I could.

LAUGHTER

This... This unusual looking key, that's for the money chest.

The money chest.

That for a small tin, that we keep some money in.

And some things that we don't want the kids to see.

Why don't you want the kids to see money

-and what else don't you want the kids to see?

-There's other things in it.

-I don't mind the money, it's the other things...

-Like what?

The remains.

OK, that's where you keep your money

and the remains of those who you've killed.

Yes.

Then you've got PBU, that's that one there.

What does PBU stand for?

-PBU on the key ring?

-Yes.

It's the place...for bins,

you.

LAUGHTER

And, er, and it, it's a little, um...

Just like that!

-My... I... What happened...

-He couldn't have made that up!

It's true.

We've got one of those outside little shed things

you're supposed to put the bins in to make it look tidy

and my wife constantly comes out and says, "There's a place for the bins, you!"

And to help me remember that's the key, I put PBU on the thing.

So you give yourself the job of remembering

the night before the bin men are coming, to go out, unlock these bins,

every time you go to put some rubbish away, you unlock the bin.

-No.

-This is, none of this...

Because the shed that the bins are kept in doesn't have the lock.

The gate leading to the shed to put the bins in has the lock.

What is going in these bins?

My wife basically thinks more of the bins than me.

Then we've got this little baby here.

Whoa ho, this tells a story. This one is for the safe.

-Ah.

-But the safe...

-Aha.

..bizarrely, it was already in the house

and it's behind a picture, how exciting.

The key has never fitted. We never know what's in the safe.

Now, what is the picture in front of the safe?

-The picture in front of the safe?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that picture.

The you know the safe that doesn't exist?

There's a picture that doesn't exist in front of it.

-This is the thing...

-What's it of?

It's a painting of your bins that you had done.

This is the bit...

The bins that must never be taken from the house.

This is the bit you're going to find crazy.

It's a picture of the safe.

I know, I know, it's crazy.

It's absolutely crazy.

And this, David, is the key to your heart.

It's not, that is to the side passage.

And it's quite annoying to get through the side passage

because I have to open the gated community for the bins

and that takes me through to the side passage which I open

and that's all the keys apart from this one,

do you know what that one's for, Fiona?

Nobody knows.

And how did you get that key?

That key was given to...

Right, this is the bit that's not funny and I don't want any jokes.

My great grandfather fought in the First World War

and he had a key round his neck,

and we don't know what the key was for.

But it was passed on, he gave it to his father, his father gave it to his father....

He gave it to his father? So he passed it on backwards in time?

No, sorry, no.

All I will say is, just in summary, I'm not pitching it to you

because it is true, but if you don't believe it, quite simply,

the story is simple, what is there not to believe?

I come home, I make sure the side gated community to the bins are unlocked

so I can get the bins out, leave them on a Tuesday,

and let them open the side passage, get in, lock the side passage,

come through to the house, open the safe by moving the picture,

I can't open the safe, I always forget, I close the safe, I get the tin, open it up,

move the eyeballs, get the money out, close the tin, open the thing,

back inside, straight to the front door, which is blue, go out,

feed Howard Jones' cat next door, who I accidently said was Shakin' Stevens.

What part of that are you telling me is not true?

APPLAUSE

So what are you going to say, David? What does your team think?

I think we're going to say it's a lie.

Saying it's a lie. Lee.

Was it the truth or was it a lie?

It was a lie.

APPLAUSE

-BUZZER

-And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team have won by 3 points to 2.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Steve Jones.

Thank you.

Yes, who'd have thought it?

Wales' best-looking man

telling Steve Jones that he's the liar of the week, good night.