Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 4

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

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the show with a fondness for fabulous fibs.

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On David Mitchell's team tonight,

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a chef who likes to experiment with food, as do I.

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Sometimes I put the beans under the toast. It's Heston Blumenthal.

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APPLAUSE

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And a comedian who's so posh,

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he employs a chauffeur to deliver his punch lines.

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It's Miles Jupp.

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APPLAUSE

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And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a member of the Fox acting dynasty.

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Her cousin is Laurence Fox, her uncle is James Fox

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and her second cousin is Basil Brush.

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It's Emilia Fox.

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APPLAUSE

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And a man who's gone from a long-haired layabout

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dreaming of becoming a comedian

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to a long haired layabout who actually is a comedian.

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Ed Byrne.

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APPLAUSE

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And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths,

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where our panellists each read out a statement

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from the card in front of them.

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Now to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

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They've got no idea what they'll be faced with

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and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

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Miles, you're first up tonight.

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After a visit to a school fete,

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I had to tell my neighbour their cat had been run over

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while my own face was painted like a kitten.

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LAUGHTER

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Lee's team.

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Oh, please be true, please, please.

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You were at the school fete as what,

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as a dad or were you working on the stall

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doing the face painting or anything or were you just visiting?

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I... There was a sort of shift so I did help with one of the stalls

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but I was also there just as a parent.

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What was the stall you were helping on?

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-Bric-a-brac.

-Bric-a-brac?

-Bric-a-brac.

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How did you find out the cat had been killed?

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Because it was killed regrettably close to our house.

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-What kind of cat was it?

-A tabby cat.

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And how was it killed, sorry?

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Unfortunately it was a truck that shouldn't have been...

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Not just normal sized lorry, a very, very long lorry,

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that should not really have thought

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that it could drive around those streets

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but was attempting to and it flattened, um...

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So you actually saw the lorry flatten the cat

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-and then you had to go and tell the neighbour.

-Yeah.

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-ED:

-I feel like this is the truth except for the part about the truck

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and that actually you killed this cat.

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What was the cat called?

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She was called...

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She was called Jenny.

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-LAUGHTER

-Jenny the cat?

-Jenny?

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What was the owner called, Tiddles?

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LAUGHTER

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In a horrible name mix up,

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they started calling each other by the wrong names.

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If you want to find fault with someone's cat naming logic,

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you've got to have a go at my neighbours.

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-Well, they're grieving. Let's leave them out of it.

-Yeah.

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-After you killed their cat.

-I didn't.

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You say you didn't kill it.

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You might have been partly responsible.

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You were dressed as a cat when it happened.

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-It might have been the driver of the truck....

-Not dressed as a cat, I was just...

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..has looked over and gone, "The size of that cat..."

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Meanwhile, the little cat crossing the road has gone,

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"Is that you, Mummy?"

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Those two incidents combined...

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you've killed little Jennifer, to give her her full name.

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Either that or it was a hit aimed for you

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and the description given was,

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"Looks a bit like a cat." LAUGHTER

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Did you pick the cat up and take it to the neighbours

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or did you just point to the cat and say, that's where your cat is?

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I didn't, I didn't pick it up.

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What happened when they answered the door?

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Talk us through that conversation. Must have been very awkward.

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Had you still not remembered that your face was painted like a cat?

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No, I didn't until after. I went home and went, "Oh, I've just had to tell so and so..."

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So they've opened the door. Can you remember the conversation?

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Well, it was very awkward. I've never had to do that before so I said...

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Meow.

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LAUGHTER

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They said "Hello" in a sort of cheery,

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"Oh, maybe he's come round for some sort of jolly reason."

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Wonder what gave them that impression?

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And I said, "I'm really sorry,

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"but I'm afraid that I've just seen Jenny get run over."

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-And they said...?

-What?

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What did they say then?

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-Oh, sorry, you're acting.

-They said, "What?"

-I thought you were asking.

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-I genuinely thought you didn't understand but you were in character, sorry.

-Yeah.

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If we get to a point where you're asking questions I don't understand, something has happened.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The regulars like that one.

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And they said, "Thank you very much for telling us."

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And then I went back into my house, cos I live next door and...

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Did you go through the front door or back?

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LAUGHTER

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When you realised you had your make-up on still, at home...

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It's my wife pointed it out to me.

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I came home and I said, "Oh, this dreadful thing's happened."

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And my wife said, "You know that you've got your face painted like a kitten?"

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and I said, "Oh, no!"

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LAUGHTER

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Did you and your wife look at each other in shock

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and just feel terrible or did you both instantly start laughing?

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She laughed immediately.

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But she's an awful woman, though.

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LAUGHTER

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No, you're not. You're not. Ignore the Irish man.

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You're the best female truck driver in the world.

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LAUGHTER

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MILES COUGHS

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Are you all right, Miles? You know what that is? Fur balls.

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LAUGHTER

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So what are you thinking, Lee?

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Does this have the ring of truth for you?

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Emilia, what do we think?

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-I think it's a total lie.

-Do you?

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-Not even an ounce of truth in it.

-Not for me.

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It's going round to the neighbours

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and you haven't really actually told us anything about the neighbours.

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You haven't talked about who it was who answered the door

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and how you then got to talk to them.

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-All right, well, Paul answered the door.

-Paul?

-Paul.

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-And Paul is married to...?

-Paul is not married.

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Oh, but you did say "them", you told THEM that their cat had died.

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Yeah, there are a number of ways in which people cohabit.

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LAUGHTER

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-I don't believe it.

-You don't believe it?

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You don't believe it.

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-Are we going to say lie?

-We say it's a lie.

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OK, Miles, truth or lie?

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Oh, ye of little...

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It's a lie.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, it's a lie

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and Miles didn't have to tell his neighbour

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their cat had been run over while his face was painted like a kitten.

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Ed Byrne, it's your turn.

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I once found a steak pie down my trousers.

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LAUGHTER

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-David's team.

-No further questions.

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Was it hot or cold?

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By the time I found it, it was body temperature, you know, really.

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From which direction had it reached body temperature?

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From piping hot downwards or from cold upwards.

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I think it was, I think

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it had gone from room temperature to my body temperature.

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I was actually sitting on the Tube

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and I realised that there was a steak pie

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-in my trousers.

-Which line were you on?

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Actually, you know, it wasn't the London Tube,

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it was the Glasgow underground actually, more specifically.

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So you're sitting there,

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what time of day is it?

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It's... It was morning, I was on my way home

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and I felt uncomfortable and I put my hand down the back.

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So early morning, you're on your way home from some sort of party or...?

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I was a student and I think that answers all other questions.

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Were you drunk?

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I was not drunk at the time. Just cos I was in Glasgow?! No, um...

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No, because you're Irish! LAUGHTER

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That takes the curse off it, right?

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I surmised what had happened was I had fallen asleep at a...

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In someone else's living room and somebody thought it would be funny

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to put a steak pie, not just in my trousers, actually in my pants.

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-It was in your pants?

-Yes.

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Was it at the front, back or side?

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I would say what has happened is I've fallen asleep face down

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and it has been shoved down the back.

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It was down the back.

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Well, I tell you, whoever it was made an effort. They pushed.

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-It had become...

-It was down in the gusset.

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In fairness, I don't think they were really my friends.

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I sort of inveigled my way back into somebody's house,

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without really having been invited.

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There was a group of people going back

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and I think I wasn't entirely a welcome addition to the evening.

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So you wake up in the flat.

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You've been asleep face down

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so you've not yet felt the effects of the pie.

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-That's right.

-You stand up.

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Yes, still not aware of it.

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-You don't feel that there's something extra?

-No.

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You're talking about a man

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who's already carrying quite a lot of weight down there.

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OK, so it's only added maybe 2, 3% to the general wealth of matter.

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Yes.

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And then you walk,

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presumably from this flat to this underground station.

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You don't notice on that walk

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that there's something not part of you...

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For all I know, I might have been shedding pie crust

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like something from The Great Escape.

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Wasn't it smelling? Were you not walking along constantly going,

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-"There's a Greggs everywhere around here."

-LAUGHTER

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So then you get on the train. What point do you notice the pie?

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You know, it's only a five minute,

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eight minute journey then to my stop, so at some point there

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while sit... It was only when I was sitting down.

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At some point? Not the moment you sat down on a pie?

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No, it definitely...

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That wasn't the time, it just... You gradually became aware.

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-Yeah, yeah, I was like...

-I don't believe that.

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I mean, you've got a pie in your pants.

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David, even if you don't believe it, you don't need to be angry about it.

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LAUGHTER

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-We're all, we're all...

-I'm trying to break him.

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What sort of pants were you wearing?

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If that's not too sexy a question.

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I don't want to sound like I...

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I'm making things up but I don't remember exactly what.

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You don't remember what pants you found a pie in?

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That's not a mental image that stayed with you?

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-The type of pants from which the pie emerged.

-No, because...

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I would remember that.

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They didn't emerge, I was sitting on the Gla... On the underground

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and I went... And I just sort of, I put my hand down and...

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Oh, can you imagine the face of the person opposite?

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LAUGHTER

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-Especially...

-Especially when I started eating it, yeah.

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So what are you going to say, David? Which way?

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Well, I think it's full of plausible detail

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such as they didn't want you at the party.

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LAUGHTER

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So we think it's true that he did have a pie in his pants.

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OK, Ed, was it the truth or were you telling us a lie?

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To my eternal shame, it is true.

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, I'm afraid that was true.

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Ed did once find a steak pie down his trousers.

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Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

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who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

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Now this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

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that has the genuine connection to the guest

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and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

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So please welcome this week's special guest, Rodney.

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APPLAUSE

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So, Miles, what is Rodney to you?

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This is Rodney. I was so excited to see him driving my old car

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that I gave him a cheery honk and he drove into a hedge.

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LAUGHTER

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Heston, what is Rodney to you?

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This is Rodney.

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He helped me break the world record

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for the most sit ups in two minutes.

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And finally, David, your relationship with Rodney.

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This is Rodney and he had to retrieve my shoe

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when a drunk man

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threw it at the skittles in a bowling alley.

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LAUGHTER

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There we are.

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So, it's Miles's distracted driver,

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it's Heston's sit up supporter

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or David's bowling buddy.

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Lee's team, where would you like to start?

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Right, let's start with Heston. We'll start with Heston.

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This two minute sit up world record,

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how many did you do?

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It was 128.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You did more than one a second?

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Yes.

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Because I'd been looking at this for two years before

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cos I was doing about 3,000 a day.

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You were doing 3,000 sit ups a day?

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At first.

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-And that's still not even the weirdest thing he's ever done.

-LAUGHTER

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Can you do a sit up now for us?

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Actually, I can't, because I am having a hip replacement.

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I'm not surprised, the amount of sit ups you did in two minutes.

0:12:350:12:38

What are you going to do with your old hip?

0:12:380:12:40

Cos I reckon you should make a casserole out of it.

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LAUGHTER

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So, how did Rodney help in a sit up session?

0:12:490:12:54

Well, I needed somebody to spot me.

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What does that mean?

0:12:570:12:58

It's basically somebody making sure you're doing the correct sit up

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-and then counting.

-So he's like the ref.

-Yes.

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All right, who would you like to quiz next?

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OK, we'll go for Miles.

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Could you just remind us of the statement?

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Driving along, I was very excited to see my old car,

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which Rodney was driving, and I gave a cheery honk

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and as a result of that, he steered into a hedge.

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Did you sell it to him?

0:13:190:13:20

No, I sold it to a dealership.

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And then he bought it off the dealer.

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-Yeah.

-Where exactly were you?

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-When he went into the hedge?

-Yes.

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Cornwall.

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-You saw your old car...

-Yeah.

0:13:290:13:32

You don't know the guy driving it

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and you think, "Let's honk at him cos he's driving our old car."

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-Yeah.

-And he'll be able to tell the difference between a cheery honk

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and a "Get out of the way, what are you doing,

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"you crazy fool?" And a "Oh, that's our old car!"

0:13:430:13:47

Or have you got a selection of honks?

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Is there, like, an aggressive one and one that does, you know, Agadoo?

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In retrospect, it wasn't well thought through.

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No, you're right.

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What speed were you going?

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Well, we would have been going... It was a windy lane,

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so probably somewhere in the region of 35, 40mph.

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And was he badly injured?

0:14:030:14:04

No, he wasn't badly injured, but he was...

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He wasn't as relaxed about it as he looks now. LAUGHTER

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So what happened? Did you then get out of the car and...

0:14:100:14:13

Well, I... Yeah, I felt very guilty, stopped the car and I got out

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and he went, "What are you doing?" And I said,

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"I'm... I'm really sorry that we honked.

0:14:180:14:20

"The reason I honked was because you are...

0:14:200:14:22

"We... This used to be our car. You're driving our old car."

0:14:220:14:25

At what point did he say, "But why have you got a cat's face on?"

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LAUGHTER

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How do you behave if you see a man

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and he's going out with a girl that you used to go out with?

0:14:320:14:34

We're not talking about big numbers here.

0:14:360:14:38

Well, whatever her nickname was, we don't care.

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LAUGHTER

0:14:410:14:43

OK, what about David's statement?

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You'll have to remind us, David.

0:14:540:14:56

He had to retrieve my shoe

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when a drunk man threw it at the skittles in a bowling alley.

0:14:570:15:01

OK, well, first of all,

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what were you doing in a bowling alley?

0:15:020:15:04

Second of all,

0:15:050:15:07

what were you doing in possession of your own shoe in a bowling alley?

0:15:070:15:10

And thirdly, they're not called skittles, they're called pins.

0:15:100:15:12

-But apart from that, so far it's all adding up.

-LAUGHTER

0:15:120:15:16

Surely your shoe was behind a counter somewhere.

0:15:160:15:19

Well, precisely. It was, until just before it was chucked.

0:15:190:15:21

Oh, it wasn't the shoe you were wearing.

0:15:210:15:23

It was the one that was in the bit, that you swapped.

0:15:230:15:25

I wasn't currently wearing the shoe.

0:15:250:15:27

When he threw it, I wasn't in it.

0:15:270:15:29

LAUGHTER

0:15:290:15:31

Was it your bowling shoe that was thrown or your own shoe?

0:15:310:15:34

-My own shoe.

-Your own shoe.

-Who was the guy that threw the shoe?

0:15:340:15:37

I think his name was Chris.

0:15:370:15:39

And what year was this?

0:15:390:15:40

It was the year 2012 AD.

0:15:400:15:43

So you were... you were...

0:15:430:15:45

Who was the guy that threw the shoe?

0:15:450:15:47

-A friend of a friend.

-So what's he done?

0:15:470:15:50

-I'm getting my shoe...

-Right.

0:15:500:15:52

-We're leaving.

-OK.

-You know,

0:15:520:15:54

the bowling expedition is coming to an end, very sad time.

0:15:540:15:58

LAUGHTER

0:15:580:16:00

So he's thrown the skit... The shoe at the skittle and...

0:16:000:16:03

It wasn't just my shoe.

0:16:030:16:05

-What did he throw?

-There was a group of us

0:16:050:16:08

and we were all leaving at once and he was part of the group

0:16:080:16:12

-but he was sort of enjoying himself on a different level.

-Yeah.

0:16:120:16:16

LAUGHTER

0:16:160:16:19

There was... I'd say there was disagreement in the group

0:16:190:16:22

as to on what level life should be lived.

0:16:220:16:25

And he was on the very much the heightened, you know...

0:16:250:16:29

"Tomorrow we may die."

0:16:290:16:31

I can imagine you were lobbying other members of the group

0:16:310:16:34

to join your level of life enjoyment

0:16:340:16:36

versus his level of life enjoyment.

0:16:360:16:38

I was already very disappointed by the bowling alley's wine list.

0:16:380:16:41

LAUGHTER

0:16:410:16:44

But he, this guy that threw the shoe, he was having a lovely time.

0:16:440:16:47

Beer had been drunk.

0:16:470:16:50

And when some of us were trying to get our normal life shoes,

0:16:500:16:53

rather than the magic shoes of bowling...

0:16:530:16:56

Do you get up in the morning and call them

0:16:560:16:58

-the normal life shoes to start with?

-Absolutely.

0:16:580:17:02

"Mummy, the normal life shoes and the normal life vest."

0:17:020:17:06

"I think again today,

0:17:080:17:10

"I shall have the skis of exceptional invention."

0:17:100:17:12

LAUGHTER

0:17:120:17:15

So the shoes were being handed back and this guy runs past,

0:17:180:17:22

snatches three or four shoes.

0:17:220:17:24

Wow, how many legs have you got?

0:17:240:17:25

-Oh, the friends'. Sorry.

-They're on the counter at this point.

0:17:260:17:29

He chooses his moment

0:17:290:17:31

-with... Frankly, with the accuracy of a sober man.

-Yes.

0:17:310:17:34

Runs, and he does it with some sort of Viking shout of glee,

0:17:360:17:41

-chucks them towards the... what I now realise are pins.

-Right.

0:17:410:17:45

You haven't said what the occasion was.

0:17:450:17:47

Erm, it was a stag do.

0:17:470:17:49

A stag do for one of your chums.

0:17:490:17:51

For a stranger.

0:17:510:17:52

I was the stripper. LAUGHTER

0:17:550:17:57

No, yes, a friend's stag do.

0:17:570:17:59

And how does Rodney come into the story?

0:17:590:18:01

He worked at the bowling alley.

0:18:010:18:04

I think still does and you can't just... You can't just wander down.

0:18:040:18:09

He went and he walked down one of the...you know, the gutters.

0:18:090:18:13

Did he?

0:18:130:18:14

And retrieved the shoes.

0:18:140:18:16

So did anything else happen on this stag night?

0:18:160:18:18

Did they do anything to the groom?

0:18:180:18:19

Like tie him to a lamp post, strip him naked, anything like that?

0:18:190:18:22

Anyone get a steak pie down their pants?

0:18:220:18:24

No, because everyone had been invited.

0:18:250:18:27

LAUGHTER

0:18:270:18:30

All right. Well, we need an answer.

0:18:340:18:37

So Lee's team, is Rodney Miles's distracted driver,

0:18:370:18:42

Heston's sit up supporter

0:18:420:18:44

or David's bowling buddy?

0:18:440:18:46

Well, this is difficult, isn't it?

0:18:470:18:49

Because you would have thought

0:18:490:18:51

that if Heston would have been that good at sit ups,

0:18:510:18:53

I feel I would have known that.

0:18:530:18:55

One of the flaws I see in David's story is the idea

0:18:550:18:58

that there was all their...loads of their shoes were on the counter

0:18:580:19:01

and he picked up a load of shoes,

0:19:010:19:02

whereas when you're in a bowling alley

0:19:020:19:04

and you get your shoes back, there's one person giving the shoes back.

0:19:040:19:07

The flaw I think in David's argument

0:19:070:19:09

is the amount of friends he claims to have.

0:19:090:19:11

LAUGHTER

0:19:110:19:12

-I don't believe Miles's story.

-You don't believe Miles at all.

0:19:120:19:15

You wouldn't just honk at somebody driving your old car.

0:19:150:19:18

-EMILIA:

-No. I thought it was Heston or David.

0:19:180:19:19

-You think it's Heston or David. You think it's...?

-I think it's Heston.

0:19:190:19:23

So that means that I'm going to take the mean average

0:19:230:19:25

and say it's Heston and half of David.

0:19:250:19:27

LAUGHTER

0:19:270:19:28

So you're saying that it's Heston.

0:19:280:19:30

OK. Rodney, would you please reveal your true identity?

0:19:300:19:32

Hi. I'm Rodney and I helped Heston break the world record for sit ups.

0:19:320:19:36

APPLAUSE

0:19:360:19:38

Thanks very much, Rodney.

0:19:400:19:42

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

0:19:440:19:47

and we start with...

0:19:470:19:50

It's Lee.

0:19:500:19:51

Every time I make a cup of tea, I pretend I'm in the World Darts Final

0:19:520:19:57

and test out my skill at throwing the tea bag in the cup.

0:19:570:20:00

David's team?

0:20:020:20:04

That's not exactly what you have to do in darts, is it?

0:20:040:20:07

LAUGHTER

0:20:070:20:08

How far away from the cup do you stand to throw the bag?

0:20:080:20:12

I do exactly four paces.

0:20:120:20:14

But large paces, so, Rob, about six paces.

0:20:140:20:18

LAUGHTER

0:20:180:20:20

And, what sort of tea bag do you favour?

0:20:200:20:23

Oh, the old David Mitchell chat up line.

0:20:230:20:25

LAUGHTER

0:20:250:20:29

The tea bag of preference is...

0:20:310:20:33

-Pyramid bag?

-No.

-Or a Frisbee-like Tetley affair?

0:20:330:20:36

The little round ones, the round ones, because, as we all know,

0:20:360:20:39

if you're going to try and throw a pyramid-shaped tea bag

0:20:390:20:42

into a cup at four paces,

0:20:420:20:43

well, you're an idiot, we all know that.

0:20:430:20:46

What's your success rate?

0:20:460:20:48

About one in...one in ten.

0:20:480:20:49

The way I do it is this. So you get three tea bags.

0:20:490:20:52

You take your four paces, and then you do a little bit of... You know,

0:20:520:20:55

psyche yourself up, pretend it's the World Darts Final,

0:20:550:20:58

-give yourself a...

-Have a pint of bitter.

0:20:580:21:00

Yeah, you know. Put on a bit of weight, yeah.

0:21:000:21:03

Get the tea bag and then give myself a bit of pressure

0:21:030:21:06

by saying to myself, "Here he is. Lee Mack.

0:21:060:21:09

"He needs to get one tea bag into the cup

0:21:090:21:12

"to become the World Darts Champion. Can he do it?"

0:21:120:21:15

If you get it in the cup, do you then say, "180!"

0:21:150:21:19

No, because there's only one. I just go, "One!"

0:21:190:21:21

LAUGHTER

0:21:210:21:24

But I do the end bit, I go, "One...tea."

0:21:240:21:26

LAUGHTER

0:21:260:21:29

And then I'll throw three,

0:21:300:21:31

and then I'll go back and I'll gather the three,

0:21:310:21:34

I'll do it again and then I'll give myself one final throw of three.

0:21:340:21:37

-This sounds remarkable and we're all now picturing it, aren't we?

-Yeah.

0:21:370:21:41

In our minds, but how lovely it would be if we had a mug.

0:21:410:21:45

Yes, well. That's the thing.

0:21:450:21:46

And if we had some tea bags. And if the mug, for example,

0:21:460:21:50

got popped just on the desk there, why don't we?

0:21:500:21:53

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is far more than four paces.

0:21:530:21:55

Yeah, you've got to come over here.

0:21:550:21:57

I tell you what, after this,

0:21:570:21:58

we're going to forget all this truth and lies stuff.

0:21:580:22:00

This is a much better game. LAUGHTER

0:22:000:22:03

Right. So what I do is go up to the cup like that and I'll sort of do...

0:22:030:22:06

-One, two, three, four.

-Yeah.

0:22:060:22:09

I'll often do this. I look to my right.

0:22:090:22:11

Might put the kettle on, get it ready.

0:22:110:22:13

And I'll often look to the left and go, "Rob, get out my kitchen."

0:22:130:22:16

LAUGHTER

0:22:160:22:18

I'll go like that, I'll go, "Heston,

0:22:180:22:20

"the beans are burning. You were in charge of them.

0:22:200:22:22

-"David, put some clothes on." And then I'll...

-LAUGHTER

0:22:220:22:26

And then I will... And the trick is to get the...

0:22:260:22:28

You can't squeeze too hard because you'd split the bag.

0:22:280:22:30

Oh, ho, I know.

0:22:300:22:32

LAUGHTER

0:22:320:22:34

The trick is to give the tea bags a little shake,

0:22:400:22:42

and then you've got to get them compact.

0:22:420:22:44

It's a bit disgusting but a real little trick is,

0:22:440:22:46

if you've got sweaty palms, you'll get a bit more...

0:22:460:22:49

I've got sweaty palms.

0:22:490:22:50

Yeah, but I don't want you, because I've got to drink the tea.

0:22:500:22:52

-Oh, right.

-And you're not always going to be there for me, are you?

0:22:520:22:55

I am! LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:58

Please say you're not, David.

0:22:580:23:00

Then you put it onto your head.

0:23:000:23:02

Lee, Lee, just say, you've obviously got quite a large kitchen.

0:23:020:23:05

Well, no, no, because I'm now in the living room.

0:23:050:23:07

But you just said the kettle's there.

0:23:080:23:10

Yeah, no. I keep the kettle in the living room.

0:23:100:23:12

I'm old school. Why get up to make a cup of tea?

0:23:120:23:14

Put it next to your sofa. I'm not an idiot.

0:23:140:23:17

-Right, and then you do that, you get it on your head.

-Yes.

0:23:170:23:19

Like that and then you do that.

0:23:190:23:21

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:23:220:23:23

I tell you what, when it hits the cup, it's a lovely noise.

0:23:230:23:26

DAVID LAUGHS

0:23:260:23:28

AUDIENCE: Oh!

0:23:290:23:31

Now at this point at home, I'll be going...

0:23:310:23:33

Look at this, this is actually turning into an event now.

0:23:330:23:35

And I'll go, "Lee Mack. He's only got six tea bags left

0:23:350:23:38

"to become the World Champion!

0:23:380:23:40

"He's going to have to make sure that this one goes in

0:23:400:23:43

"otherwise Jocky Wilson will be in!"

0:23:430:23:45

AUDIENCE: Hooray!

0:23:480:23:50

APPLAUSE

0:23:500:23:53

Well, there we are.

0:23:560:23:57

So, what are you going to say then, David?

0:23:570:23:59

Well, the thing is, it is difficult now

0:23:590:24:01

because whether or not it's true,

0:24:010:24:03

he's definitely going to do it from now on,

0:24:030:24:05

as am I.

0:24:050:24:07

-Do you think it's a lie? HESTON:

-I'm not sure.

0:24:080:24:10

Well, I think we're going to say true.

0:24:100:24:13

Going to say it's true. OK. Lee, truth or lie?

0:24:130:24:17

It was, in fact,

0:24:170:24:18

-true.

-Oh, wow.

0:24:180:24:20

APPLAUSE

0:24:200:24:22

Yes, it's true. Lee does pretend he's in the World Darts Final

0:24:220:24:27

every time he makes a cup of tea.

0:24:270:24:29

Next.

0:24:290:24:31

It's David.

0:24:310:24:33

There is something about me that elephants like.

0:24:330:24:37

LAUGHTER

0:24:370:24:39

Every time I visit a zoo, they thunder towards me

0:24:420:24:46

and point their trunks in my direction.

0:24:460:24:49

Right, Lee's team.

0:24:500:24:51

When did you first notice elephants finding you so attractive?

0:24:510:24:55

I don't think elephants liked me

0:24:550:24:58

before I hit puberty.

0:24:580:25:00

And do you believe that puberty was the triggering thing?

0:25:020:25:05

Correlation is not causation.

0:25:050:25:08

Oh, another one of your catch phrases.

0:25:080:25:10

I told you, they don't catch on, David.

0:25:110:25:14

-IMITATING BRUCE FORSYTH:

-What's correlation... Oh, forget it.

0:25:150:25:18

LAUGHTER

0:25:180:25:22

OK. Where were you? When did you first notice it?

0:25:220:25:25

-I think it was probably at the Cotswold Safari Park.

-Right.

0:25:250:25:29

I had recently become a man.

0:25:290:25:31

Yes.

0:25:310:25:32

I was quite an imposing figure,

0:25:320:25:35

striding around the Cotswold Wildlife Park.

0:25:350:25:38

Still intellectually juvenile,

0:25:380:25:41

in that I was still interested in the animals.

0:25:410:25:43

And then I was passing the elephant's enclosure

0:25:430:25:46

and, you know, it swivelled its head towards me.

0:25:460:25:50

And it was quite alarming

0:25:500:25:51

and then it started to move slowly towards me and then,

0:25:510:25:54

as it moved towards me, its trunk rose.

0:25:540:25:56

It straightened as if... as if in arousal.

0:25:560:26:01

Yes, yes.

0:26:010:26:02

Have you ever been on safari?

0:26:030:26:05

No, I haven't, for obvious reasons.

0:26:050:26:06

LAUGHTER

0:26:060:26:09

How many zoological gardens/safari parks

0:26:090:26:12

have you been to and observed this in elephants?

0:26:120:26:16

At least nine or ten sort of times.

0:26:160:26:19

You play you, right.

0:26:190:26:21

I'll play the elephant.

0:26:210:26:23

Right, now you...

0:26:230:26:24

LAUGHTER

0:26:240:26:27

If you'd like to walk towards me and I'll...

0:26:270:26:30

No, you... You've got to spot me.

0:26:300:26:32

It's not about what I do, it's about...

0:26:320:26:34

LAUGHTER

0:26:360:26:39

It's exactly like that.

0:26:440:26:46

-Is that how it happens?

-Yes.

-Wow.

0:26:460:26:49

There was something about being the elephant then

0:26:490:26:51

-I believe it to be true. I was...

-LAUGHTER

0:26:510:26:54

Have you always been with the same people or different people

0:26:540:26:57

-to the safari park?

-Oh, it's...

0:26:570:26:58

Has it been mixed up enough to know it's you, specifically?

0:26:580:27:01

Yes. The only person who is always with me

0:27:010:27:03

is my friend, Kevin the bun seller.

0:27:030:27:06

LAUGHTER

0:27:060:27:08

So what do you think then, Lee?

0:27:180:27:21

Do you think, do you think that's true or was he...

0:27:210:27:23

Was he making that all up, what would you say?

0:27:230:27:25

I don't believe it at all. No.

0:27:250:27:27

-There's not even an ounce of truth in it.

-No.

0:27:270:27:29

I think we're going to have to say it's a lie.

0:27:290:27:31

OK, so you say it's a lie.

0:27:310:27:32

David, attracting elephants, truth or lie?

0:27:320:27:35

Well, it is,

0:27:350:27:37

a lie.

0:27:370:27:38

APPLAUSE

0:27:380:27:40

Yes, it's a lie. Elephants don't thunder towards David

0:27:420:27:46

and point their trunks in his direction when he visits the zoo.

0:27:460:27:48

-BUZZER

-Well, that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.

0:27:480:27:52

And I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 3 points to 2.

0:27:520:27:56

APPLAUSE

0:27:560:27:59

But it's not just a team game. My individual liar of the week

0:27:590:28:04

this week is Miles Jupp.

0:28:040:28:06

APPLAUSE

0:28:060:28:08

Yes, it's Miles Jupp. He's as honest as the day is long,

0:28:080:28:13

in the Arctic in the middle of the winter. Good night.

0:28:130:28:15

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