Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show with a fondness for fabulous fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a chef who likes to experiment with food, as do I.

Sometimes I put the beans under the toast. It's Heston Blumenthal.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian who's so posh,

he employs a chauffeur to deliver his punch lines.

It's Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a member of the Fox acting dynasty.

Her cousin is Laurence Fox, her uncle is James Fox

and her second cousin is Basil Brush.

It's Emilia Fox.

APPLAUSE

And a man who's gone from a long-haired layabout

dreaming of becoming a comedian

to a long haired layabout who actually is a comedian.

Ed Byrne.

APPLAUSE

And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

Now to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

They've got no idea what they'll be faced with

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Miles, you're first up tonight.

After a visit to a school fete,

I had to tell my neighbour their cat had been run over

while my own face was painted like a kitten.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team.

Oh, please be true, please, please.

You were at the school fete as what,

as a dad or were you working on the stall

doing the face painting or anything or were you just visiting?

I... There was a sort of shift so I did help with one of the stalls

but I was also there just as a parent.

What was the stall you were helping on?

-Bric-a-brac.

-Bric-a-brac?

-Bric-a-brac.

How did you find out the cat had been killed?

Because it was killed regrettably close to our house.

-What kind of cat was it?

-A tabby cat.

And how was it killed, sorry?

Unfortunately it was a truck that shouldn't have been...

Not just normal sized lorry, a very, very long lorry,

that should not really have thought

that it could drive around those streets

but was attempting to and it flattened, um...

So you actually saw the lorry flatten the cat

-and then you had to go and tell the neighbour.

-Yeah.

-ED:

-I feel like this is the truth except for the part about the truck

and that actually you killed this cat.

What was the cat called?

She was called...

She was called Jenny.

-LAUGHTER

-Jenny the cat?

-Jenny?

What was the owner called, Tiddles?

LAUGHTER

In a horrible name mix up,

they started calling each other by the wrong names.

If you want to find fault with someone's cat naming logic,

you've got to have a go at my neighbours.

-Well, they're grieving. Let's leave them out of it.

-Yeah.

-After you killed their cat.

-I didn't.

You say you didn't kill it.

You might have been partly responsible.

You were dressed as a cat when it happened.

-It might have been the driver of the truck....

-Not dressed as a cat, I was just...

..has looked over and gone, "The size of that cat..."

Meanwhile, the little cat crossing the road has gone,

"Is that you, Mummy?"

Those two incidents combined...

you've killed little Jennifer, to give her her full name.

Either that or it was a hit aimed for you

and the description given was,

"Looks a bit like a cat." LAUGHTER

Did you pick the cat up and take it to the neighbours

or did you just point to the cat and say, that's where your cat is?

I didn't, I didn't pick it up.

What happened when they answered the door?

Talk us through that conversation. Must have been very awkward.

Had you still not remembered that your face was painted like a cat?

No, I didn't until after. I went home and went, "Oh, I've just had to tell so and so..."

So they've opened the door. Can you remember the conversation?

Well, it was very awkward. I've never had to do that before so I said...

Meow.

LAUGHTER

They said "Hello" in a sort of cheery,

"Oh, maybe he's come round for some sort of jolly reason."

Wonder what gave them that impression?

And I said, "I'm really sorry,

"but I'm afraid that I've just seen Jenny get run over."

-And they said...?

-What?

What did they say then?

-Oh, sorry, you're acting.

-They said, "What?"

-I thought you were asking.

-I genuinely thought you didn't understand but you were in character, sorry.

-Yeah.

If we get to a point where you're asking questions I don't understand, something has happened.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The regulars like that one.

And they said, "Thank you very much for telling us."

And then I went back into my house, cos I live next door and...

Did you go through the front door or back?

LAUGHTER

When you realised you had your make-up on still, at home...

It's my wife pointed it out to me.

I came home and I said, "Oh, this dreadful thing's happened."

And my wife said, "You know that you've got your face painted like a kitten?"

and I said, "Oh, no!"

LAUGHTER

Did you and your wife look at each other in shock

and just feel terrible or did you both instantly start laughing?

She laughed immediately.

But she's an awful woman, though.

LAUGHTER

No, you're not. You're not. Ignore the Irish man.

You're the best female truck driver in the world.

LAUGHTER

MILES COUGHS

Are you all right, Miles? You know what that is? Fur balls.

LAUGHTER

So what are you thinking, Lee?

Does this have the ring of truth for you?

Emilia, what do we think?

-I think it's a total lie.

-Do you?

-Not even an ounce of truth in it.

-Not for me.

It's going round to the neighbours

and you haven't really actually told us anything about the neighbours.

You haven't talked about who it was who answered the door

and how you then got to talk to them.

-All right, well, Paul answered the door.

-Paul?

-Paul.

-And Paul is married to...?

-Paul is not married.

Oh, but you did say "them", you told THEM that their cat had died.

Yeah, there are a number of ways in which people cohabit.

LAUGHTER

-I don't believe it.

-You don't believe it?

You don't believe it.

-Are we going to say lie?

-We say it's a lie.

OK, Miles, truth or lie?

Oh, ye of little...

It's a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie

and Miles didn't have to tell his neighbour

their cat had been run over while his face was painted like a kitten.

Ed Byrne, it's your turn.

I once found a steak pie down my trousers.

LAUGHTER

-David's team.

-No further questions.

Was it hot or cold?

By the time I found it, it was body temperature, you know, really.

From which direction had it reached body temperature?

From piping hot downwards or from cold upwards.

I think it was, I think

it had gone from room temperature to my body temperature.

I was actually sitting on the Tube

and I realised that there was a steak pie

-in my trousers.

-Which line were you on?

Actually, you know, it wasn't the London Tube,

it was the Glasgow underground actually, more specifically.

So you're sitting there,

what time of day is it?

It's... It was morning, I was on my way home

and I felt uncomfortable and I put my hand down the back.

So early morning, you're on your way home from some sort of party or...?

I was a student and I think that answers all other questions.

Were you drunk?

I was not drunk at the time. Just cos I was in Glasgow?! No, um...

No, because you're Irish! LAUGHTER

That takes the curse off it, right?

I surmised what had happened was I had fallen asleep at a...

In someone else's living room and somebody thought it would be funny

to put a steak pie, not just in my trousers, actually in my pants.

-It was in your pants?

-Yes.

Was it at the front, back or side?

I would say what has happened is I've fallen asleep face down

and it has been shoved down the back.

It was down the back.

Well, I tell you, whoever it was made an effort. They pushed.

-It had become...

-It was down in the gusset.

In fairness, I don't think they were really my friends.

I sort of inveigled my way back into somebody's house,

without really having been invited.

There was a group of people going back

and I think I wasn't entirely a welcome addition to the evening.

So you wake up in the flat.

You've been asleep face down

so you've not yet felt the effects of the pie.

-That's right.

-You stand up.

Yes, still not aware of it.

-You don't feel that there's something extra?

-No.

You're talking about a man

who's already carrying quite a lot of weight down there.

OK, so it's only added maybe 2, 3% to the general wealth of matter.

Yes.

And then you walk,

presumably from this flat to this underground station.

You don't notice on that walk

that there's something not part of you...

For all I know, I might have been shedding pie crust

like something from The Great Escape.

Wasn't it smelling? Were you not walking along constantly going,

-"There's a Greggs everywhere around here."

-LAUGHTER

So then you get on the train. What point do you notice the pie?

You know, it's only a five minute,

eight minute journey then to my stop, so at some point there

while sit... It was only when I was sitting down.

At some point? Not the moment you sat down on a pie?

No, it definitely...

That wasn't the time, it just... You gradually became aware.

-Yeah, yeah, I was like...

-I don't believe that.

I mean, you've got a pie in your pants.

David, even if you don't believe it, you don't need to be angry about it.

LAUGHTER

-We're all, we're all...

-I'm trying to break him.

What sort of pants were you wearing?

If that's not too sexy a question.

I don't want to sound like I...

I'm making things up but I don't remember exactly what.

You don't remember what pants you found a pie in?

That's not a mental image that stayed with you?

-The type of pants from which the pie emerged.

-No, because...

I would remember that.

They didn't emerge, I was sitting on the Gla... On the underground

and I went... And I just sort of, I put my hand down and...

Oh, can you imagine the face of the person opposite?

LAUGHTER

-Especially...

-Especially when I started eating it, yeah.

So what are you going to say, David? Which way?

Well, I think it's full of plausible detail

such as they didn't want you at the party.

LAUGHTER

So we think it's true that he did have a pie in his pants.

OK, Ed, was it the truth or were you telling us a lie?

To my eternal shame, it is true.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I'm afraid that was true.

Ed did once find a steak pie down his trousers.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Rodney.

APPLAUSE

So, Miles, what is Rodney to you?

This is Rodney. I was so excited to see him driving my old car

that I gave him a cheery honk and he drove into a hedge.

LAUGHTER

Heston, what is Rodney to you?

This is Rodney.

He helped me break the world record

for the most sit ups in two minutes.

And finally, David, your relationship with Rodney.

This is Rodney and he had to retrieve my shoe

when a drunk man

threw it at the skittles in a bowling alley.

LAUGHTER

There we are.

So, it's Miles's distracted driver,

it's Heston's sit up supporter

or David's bowling buddy.

Lee's team, where would you like to start?

Right, let's start with Heston. We'll start with Heston.

This two minute sit up world record,

how many did you do?

It was 128.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You did more than one a second?

Yes.

Because I'd been looking at this for two years before

cos I was doing about 3,000 a day.

You were doing 3,000 sit ups a day?

At first.

-And that's still not even the weirdest thing he's ever done.

-LAUGHTER

Can you do a sit up now for us?

Actually, I can't, because I am having a hip replacement.

I'm not surprised, the amount of sit ups you did in two minutes.

What are you going to do with your old hip?

Cos I reckon you should make a casserole out of it.

LAUGHTER

So, how did Rodney help in a sit up session?

Well, I needed somebody to spot me.

What does that mean?

It's basically somebody making sure you're doing the correct sit up

-and then counting.

-So he's like the ref.

-Yes.

All right, who would you like to quiz next?

OK, we'll go for Miles.

Could you just remind us of the statement?

Driving along, I was very excited to see my old car,

which Rodney was driving, and I gave a cheery honk

and as a result of that, he steered into a hedge.

Did you sell it to him?

No, I sold it to a dealership.

And then he bought it off the dealer.

-Yeah.

-Where exactly were you?

-When he went into the hedge?

-Yes.

Cornwall.

-You saw your old car...

-Yeah.

You don't know the guy driving it

and you think, "Let's honk at him cos he's driving our old car."

-Yeah.

-And he'll be able to tell the difference between a cheery honk

and a "Get out of the way, what are you doing,

"you crazy fool?" And a "Oh, that's our old car!"

Or have you got a selection of honks?

Is there, like, an aggressive one and one that does, you know, Agadoo?

In retrospect, it wasn't well thought through.

No, you're right.

What speed were you going?

Well, we would have been going... It was a windy lane,

so probably somewhere in the region of 35, 40mph.

And was he badly injured?

No, he wasn't badly injured, but he was...

He wasn't as relaxed about it as he looks now. LAUGHTER

So what happened? Did you then get out of the car and...

Well, I... Yeah, I felt very guilty, stopped the car and I got out

and he went, "What are you doing?" And I said,

"I'm... I'm really sorry that we honked.

"The reason I honked was because you are...

"We... This used to be our car. You're driving our old car."

At what point did he say, "But why have you got a cat's face on?"

LAUGHTER

How do you behave if you see a man

and he's going out with a girl that you used to go out with?

We're not talking about big numbers here.

Well, whatever her nickname was, we don't care.

LAUGHTER

OK, what about David's statement?

You'll have to remind us, David.

He had to retrieve my shoe

when a drunk man threw it at the skittles in a bowling alley.

OK, well, first of all,

what were you doing in a bowling alley?

Second of all,

what were you doing in possession of your own shoe in a bowling alley?

And thirdly, they're not called skittles, they're called pins.

-But apart from that, so far it's all adding up.

-LAUGHTER

Surely your shoe was behind a counter somewhere.

Well, precisely. It was, until just before it was chucked.

Oh, it wasn't the shoe you were wearing.

It was the one that was in the bit, that you swapped.

I wasn't currently wearing the shoe.

When he threw it, I wasn't in it.

LAUGHTER

Was it your bowling shoe that was thrown or your own shoe?

-My own shoe.

-Your own shoe.

-Who was the guy that threw the shoe?

I think his name was Chris.

And what year was this?

It was the year 2012 AD.

So you were... you were...

Who was the guy that threw the shoe?

-A friend of a friend.

-So what's he done?

-I'm getting my shoe...

-Right.

-We're leaving.

-OK.

-You know,

the bowling expedition is coming to an end, very sad time.

LAUGHTER

So he's thrown the skit... The shoe at the skittle and...

It wasn't just my shoe.

-What did he throw?

-There was a group of us

and we were all leaving at once and he was part of the group

-but he was sort of enjoying himself on a different level.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

There was... I'd say there was disagreement in the group

as to on what level life should be lived.

And he was on the very much the heightened, you know...

"Tomorrow we may die."

I can imagine you were lobbying other members of the group

to join your level of life enjoyment

versus his level of life enjoyment.

I was already very disappointed by the bowling alley's wine list.

LAUGHTER

But he, this guy that threw the shoe, he was having a lovely time.

Beer had been drunk.

And when some of us were trying to get our normal life shoes,

rather than the magic shoes of bowling...

Do you get up in the morning and call them

-the normal life shoes to start with?

-Absolutely.

"Mummy, the normal life shoes and the normal life vest."

"I think again today,

"I shall have the skis of exceptional invention."

LAUGHTER

So the shoes were being handed back and this guy runs past,

snatches three or four shoes.

Wow, how many legs have you got?

-Oh, the friends'. Sorry.

-They're on the counter at this point.

He chooses his moment

-with... Frankly, with the accuracy of a sober man.

-Yes.

Runs, and he does it with some sort of Viking shout of glee,

-chucks them towards the... what I now realise are pins.

-Right.

You haven't said what the occasion was.

Erm, it was a stag do.

A stag do for one of your chums.

For a stranger.

I was the stripper. LAUGHTER

No, yes, a friend's stag do.

And how does Rodney come into the story?

He worked at the bowling alley.

I think still does and you can't just... You can't just wander down.

He went and he walked down one of the...you know, the gutters.

Did he?

And retrieved the shoes.

So did anything else happen on this stag night?

Did they do anything to the groom?

Like tie him to a lamp post, strip him naked, anything like that?

Anyone get a steak pie down their pants?

No, because everyone had been invited.

LAUGHTER

All right. Well, we need an answer.

So Lee's team, is Rodney Miles's distracted driver,

Heston's sit up supporter

or David's bowling buddy?

Well, this is difficult, isn't it?

Because you would have thought

that if Heston would have been that good at sit ups,

I feel I would have known that.

One of the flaws I see in David's story is the idea

that there was all their...loads of their shoes were on the counter

and he picked up a load of shoes,

whereas when you're in a bowling alley

and you get your shoes back, there's one person giving the shoes back.

The flaw I think in David's argument

is the amount of friends he claims to have.

LAUGHTER

-I don't believe Miles's story.

-You don't believe Miles at all.

You wouldn't just honk at somebody driving your old car.

-EMILIA:

-No. I thought it was Heston or David.

-You think it's Heston or David. You think it's...?

-I think it's Heston.

So that means that I'm going to take the mean average

and say it's Heston and half of David.

LAUGHTER

So you're saying that it's Heston.

OK. Rodney, would you please reveal your true identity?

Hi. I'm Rodney and I helped Heston break the world record for sit ups.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Rodney.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Lee.

Every time I make a cup of tea, I pretend I'm in the World Darts Final

and test out my skill at throwing the tea bag in the cup.

David's team?

That's not exactly what you have to do in darts, is it?

LAUGHTER

How far away from the cup do you stand to throw the bag?

I do exactly four paces.

But large paces, so, Rob, about six paces.

LAUGHTER

And, what sort of tea bag do you favour?

Oh, the old David Mitchell chat up line.

LAUGHTER

The tea bag of preference is...

-Pyramid bag?

-No.

-Or a Frisbee-like Tetley affair?

The little round ones, the round ones, because, as we all know,

if you're going to try and throw a pyramid-shaped tea bag

into a cup at four paces,

well, you're an idiot, we all know that.

What's your success rate?

About one in...one in ten.

The way I do it is this. So you get three tea bags.

You take your four paces, and then you do a little bit of... You know,

psyche yourself up, pretend it's the World Darts Final,

-give yourself a...

-Have a pint of bitter.

Yeah, you know. Put on a bit of weight, yeah.

Get the tea bag and then give myself a bit of pressure

by saying to myself, "Here he is. Lee Mack.

"He needs to get one tea bag into the cup

"to become the World Darts Champion. Can he do it?"

If you get it in the cup, do you then say, "180!"

No, because there's only one. I just go, "One!"

LAUGHTER

But I do the end bit, I go, "One...tea."

LAUGHTER

And then I'll throw three,

and then I'll go back and I'll gather the three,

I'll do it again and then I'll give myself one final throw of three.

-This sounds remarkable and we're all now picturing it, aren't we?

-Yeah.

In our minds, but how lovely it would be if we had a mug.

Yes, well. That's the thing.

And if we had some tea bags. And if the mug, for example,

got popped just on the desk there, why don't we?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is far more than four paces.

Yeah, you've got to come over here.

I tell you what, after this,

we're going to forget all this truth and lies stuff.

This is a much better game. LAUGHTER

Right. So what I do is go up to the cup like that and I'll sort of do...

-One, two, three, four.

-Yeah.

I'll often do this. I look to my right.

Might put the kettle on, get it ready.

And I'll often look to the left and go, "Rob, get out my kitchen."

LAUGHTER

I'll go like that, I'll go, "Heston,

"the beans are burning. You were in charge of them.

-"David, put some clothes on." And then I'll...

-LAUGHTER

And then I will... And the trick is to get the...

You can't squeeze too hard because you'd split the bag.

Oh, ho, I know.

LAUGHTER

The trick is to give the tea bags a little shake,

and then you've got to get them compact.

It's a bit disgusting but a real little trick is,

if you've got sweaty palms, you'll get a bit more...

I've got sweaty palms.

Yeah, but I don't want you, because I've got to drink the tea.

-Oh, right.

-And you're not always going to be there for me, are you?

I am! LAUGHTER

Please say you're not, David.

Then you put it onto your head.

Lee, Lee, just say, you've obviously got quite a large kitchen.

Well, no, no, because I'm now in the living room.

But you just said the kettle's there.

Yeah, no. I keep the kettle in the living room.

I'm old school. Why get up to make a cup of tea?

Put it next to your sofa. I'm not an idiot.

-Right, and then you do that, you get it on your head.

-Yes.

Like that and then you do that.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I tell you what, when it hits the cup, it's a lovely noise.

DAVID LAUGHS

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Now at this point at home, I'll be going...

Look at this, this is actually turning into an event now.

And I'll go, "Lee Mack. He's only got six tea bags left

"to become the World Champion!

"He's going to have to make sure that this one goes in

"otherwise Jocky Wilson will be in!"

AUDIENCE: Hooray!

APPLAUSE

Well, there we are.

So, what are you going to say then, David?

Well, the thing is, it is difficult now

because whether or not it's true,

he's definitely going to do it from now on,

as am I.

-Do you think it's a lie? HESTON:

-I'm not sure.

Well, I think we're going to say true.

Going to say it's true. OK. Lee, truth or lie?

It was, in fact,

-true.

-Oh, wow.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Lee does pretend he's in the World Darts Final

every time he makes a cup of tea.

Next.

It's David.

There is something about me that elephants like.

LAUGHTER

Every time I visit a zoo, they thunder towards me

and point their trunks in my direction.

Right, Lee's team.

When did you first notice elephants finding you so attractive?

I don't think elephants liked me

before I hit puberty.

And do you believe that puberty was the triggering thing?

Correlation is not causation.

Oh, another one of your catch phrases.

I told you, they don't catch on, David.

-IMITATING BRUCE FORSYTH:

-What's correlation... Oh, forget it.

LAUGHTER

OK. Where were you? When did you first notice it?

-I think it was probably at the Cotswold Safari Park.

-Right.

I had recently become a man.

Yes.

I was quite an imposing figure,

striding around the Cotswold Wildlife Park.

Still intellectually juvenile,

in that I was still interested in the animals.

And then I was passing the elephant's enclosure

and, you know, it swivelled its head towards me.

And it was quite alarming

and then it started to move slowly towards me and then,

as it moved towards me, its trunk rose.

It straightened as if... as if in arousal.

Yes, yes.

Have you ever been on safari?

No, I haven't, for obvious reasons.

LAUGHTER

How many zoological gardens/safari parks

have you been to and observed this in elephants?

At least nine or ten sort of times.

You play you, right.

I'll play the elephant.

Right, now you...

LAUGHTER

If you'd like to walk towards me and I'll...

No, you... You've got to spot me.

It's not about what I do, it's about...

LAUGHTER

It's exactly like that.

-Is that how it happens?

-Yes.

-Wow.

There was something about being the elephant then

-I believe it to be true. I was...

-LAUGHTER

Have you always been with the same people or different people

-to the safari park?

-Oh, it's...

Has it been mixed up enough to know it's you, specifically?

Yes. The only person who is always with me

is my friend, Kevin the bun seller.

LAUGHTER

So what do you think then, Lee?

Do you think, do you think that's true or was he...

Was he making that all up, what would you say?

I don't believe it at all. No.

-There's not even an ounce of truth in it.

-No.

I think we're going to have to say it's a lie.

OK, so you say it's a lie.

David, attracting elephants, truth or lie?

Well, it is,

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Elephants don't thunder towards David

and point their trunks in his direction when he visits the zoo.

-BUZZER

-Well, that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 3 points to 2.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game. My individual liar of the week

this week is Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's Miles Jupp. He's as honest as the day is long,

in the Arctic in the middle of the winter. Good night.