Allotment Wars

This programme contains some strong language.

The British allotment - an oasis of peace and tranquillity,

a place to nurture nature,

to relax and escape from the stresses of a busy life.

It's a little bit like a haven for me

cos I write in here, I chill in here.

Except when it isn't like that.

It's just them against me

and it looks like I'm losing at the minute.

Like, it's sickening.

Too many strangers, too little land,

too much time and too many sharp tools.

It doesn't always bring out the best in people.

If I had my way, I'd tar and feather 'em.

These precious plots can become a blight on your life,

a veritable thorn in your side.

They can be places where your prize-winning vegetables

can be viciously attacked.

Places where battles are fought and friendships lost.

We're not happy. We will get to the bottom of it and we will find out who's done it.

All is not harmony in British allotments because...

This year it's war.

There are about 350,000 people with allotments in the UK today.

City folk and serious gardeners who want a piece of land to tend.

Somewhere to grow their own food.

But these cherished plots are often easy targets for troublemakers.

-Welcome to Monk's Farm.

-Yeah.

Michelle has a problem. Her allotment shed has been broken into.

Five times.

And it looks like it's the same intruder every time.

An intruder with very particular tastes.

Right. Let's open this shed of doom.

That's it.

This is my lovely allotment shed.

It's a bit like a haven for me

cos I write in here, I chill in here.

And it feels like my haven's been violated!

Right. He comes through this way. There was a gigantic footprint there

so I'm pretty sure he's a male.

Then usually what he does is make himself really comfortable.

He puts on the kettle, he makes himself a cup of tea

and he seems to follow a pattern.

What makes me laugh is he actually tidies up after himself as he goes.

After he makes his cup of tea,

he lights my candles.

For some reason, this one in particular

and it really smells quite disgusting, but he likes it.

So what I think he does is he has a little lay like that

while he drinks his cup of tea in the candle light!

I think he's tall. For one thing, being able to get in the window like that.

He'd have to have quite long legs.

If I had to liken him to someone then I'd say probably on the Tom Cruise line.

But - or maybe even you know like Tom Hanks in Castaway?

He starts off all fresh and nice

and ends up looking like a shadow of himself.

Michelle's Tom Hanks lookalike may be living rough in the woods nearby.

But Michelle has an ally to help protect her.

It's her sister Sharon, who's the allotment site representative in charge of security.

I bet you do!

It's only a few days after the last break-in,

and on her daily security patrol,

Sharon hears that someone's been seen acting suspiciously

just outside the allotments.

I think he might be in the trees.

-What, literally?

-Yes!

'There's a tramp that's been seen in the vicinity

'and we're going to go on a mission to see if we can see any evidence

'that he's sleeping rough in the surrounding area.'

This is the lengths we go to to defend our allotments.

Ooh, does that look like a camp?

Look, there's a camp.

It smells like perfume.

Do you know what, he could have stolen that off someone's line

cos it smells clean. Smell that.

Doesn't smell of urination.

Ooh, that bit does!

Some bloke just really creepily came out the trees.

But he's walking very fast. Quick, run!

THEY GIGGLE

He's gone in a house there.

He's delivering leaflets!

He's a pizza boy. Sorry about that!

But I still feel that he's close by.

What's worse than defending your plot from outsiders?

Defending it from insiders.

Civil war amongst the potting sheds.

It's spring. Time to plant.

But there is mud-slinging amongst the plot-holders.

Life here may be run by an elected committee,

but there is opposition to the way the site is being managed

and, of course, it's the committee chairman who's on the receiving end.

I came up here to find that somebody had removed the saddle

and thrown it onto the plot with the screws.

So I looked inside the shed

and at first I had a good look around and there was nothing missing.

Everything was in its same place the night before,

which puzzled me, really.

But I did notice that one thing that was missing...

..was Bill and Ben,

which is a great favourite of Janet's

and she was rather upset to see that they were missing.

But as we bolted up with a new lock, et cetera,

we went to the communal shed

and we found these tucked away behind a down pipe.

And the wife, Janet, loves Bill and Ben.

She was quite upset to see them over there.

So somebody's got a weird sense of humour.

It's more or less a message to say, "If we want to get into your sheds, we can get into them."

I think it's being spiteful, to be honest.

We've had things going on here now for the past four years.

Vegetables being attacked.

Whoever that is must be on this site

to know exactly what plots to attack,

what sheds to attack, and everything else.

It's got to be somebody on here, and I'd put money on it.

Six other plot-holders were attacked at the same time

and there's a suspicion that they weren't chosen entirely at random.

This window had been taken out and the glass thrown over there somewhere.

And shelving removed and scattered all over the place.

Nothing taken.

They hadn't broken into everyone and swept through.

They'd selected certain ones. Mine was one of them.

We seem to have been targeted as people who were committee members.

An allotment is a reflection... It's a microcosm of society.

You get a lot of doers, but there's always a few people who are going to cause a problem.

One of my water tanks was poisoned.

Somebody put weed killer in it.

I came in one morning and watered three tomato plants

as they were dry in the ground.

The next day I came and they were dead.

Which I'm not happy about.

Since the new chairman took over, a lot of people have been anti the chairman

and he's had some of his crops damaged.

We have a show every year in August.

And it's only been people that are committee members that have had their vegetables damaged.

Chairman Tony is what you might call a competitive gardener.

This year he's after the coveted Best Vegetable in Show

at the Torquay allotment-holders' annual competition.

This year again, it's time for growing the stuff, planting it

and getting it ready for the show.

I've got a lot of ambitions this year.

Unless somebody decides that they don't want me to win the competition.

It's planting time in Newcastle, too,

and Frank needs to plant his show vegetables now

if he's going to win back the title of Master City Gardener of the Year.

I'm a very competitive animal.

The Master Gardener. Well, I like to win it.

I've won it three, maybe four times.

This is one of my passions. I've done this since I was about seven years of age.

To be Master City Gardener again,

Frank needs to put up the very best display at the City Show in autumn.

But this year, he has a problem.

I like a challenge.

I do. I like a challenge.

But this business with the greenhouse was a challenge too far.

I came down one Thursday night to actually water the plants

and I was devastated

because quite clearly the place had been burnt down.

I lost everything.

Everything. Which has, in effect, put me a month behind.

If you're growing for shows, that's a lot of time to try and catch up.

That was a Pendle leek. But never mind.

Things have happened in here for the last five years at this time of year.

This is the second burn-out. The second one.

Last year, I had all my carrots weed-killed.

If someone is that vindictive to do something like that,

that's their loss, really.

I'm going to just keep on going, regardless of what they do.

I'm so passionate about showing that I will have produce

and those people doing the Master Gardener, beware.

Michelle and Sharon did not find their intruder in the woods.

But as the break-ins continue, they remain constantly vigilant.

Do you reckon that he can see us like now?

I think that now and then if it is someone sleeping rough,

over the field, there,

every now and then he watches to see if we turn up.

Cos he knows when we've been here, there's going to be food here.

So he knows what we look like, but he don't know what he looks like.

-Yeah.

-I don't like that.

It don't bother me. I think that's quite...

-..quite sexy, actually!

-No, I don't!

I need to know who he is, why he's breaking in,

-and what his story is.

-That's cos you're nosey!

He gets in there and puts his foot on the side bit.

Can you get in that gap?

I want to see how long his legs actually are.

How tall do you think he is?

-Six foot.

-Right. He's six foot. Now look at me.

Come on, then! Put your leg in.

Up you go!

See - I can get in the window!

All right. Perhaps he's short and fat, then!

-Is it gonna take my weight when I get in?

-Yes. Go on.

See? I can do it.

I can't believe you did that.

-That just bust the six-foot theory!

-There you go.

So this six-foot-tall chiselled man that you've got in your illusion

could now be a five-foot-four, fat, bald-headed tramp!

Yeah. It's lost its appeal, really!

I should leave him a message on there.

"If you are the tramp, tick yes or no.

"Do you look like Brad Pitt?"

No, Tom Cruise.

I'll leave him a yes box and a no box.

"Are you hairy?

"Yes or no?

"Do you live in the park?"

If he fills this out, I'm gonna wet myself laughing.

I think that's quite a good start.

"Please complete questions.

"Thanks. Michelle

"And Sharon."

-Shall I put it where he comes in?

-Yes.

He won't miss it there.

You're hard with a hammer, aren't you?

Get in that, Tom Cruise!

All secure.

The Torquay committee is still under attack.

And now Janet, the chairman's wife, has had her show plants targeted.

I was gardening on the plot

and Janet came up to me and said, "Have you seen the pansies?

"All the prize pansies I were growing have vanished!"

She said, "Have you put them anywhere?" I said, "No."

She said, "They were there! But they're to be seen nowhere."

And they'd been stolen. A whole tray. I mean,

why Janet? Why my wife?

If they want to pick on somebody, pick on me.

If it's a case that they've got a grudge against me, come and tell me.

But these people are cowards.

They haven't got the guts to come and tell you.

They're quite happy to go behind your back,

create problems, steal your plants, damage your plants,

and they think they're winning all the time.

The answer is, yes they are winning at the moment,

but there will come a time when it'll change.

As well as dealing with the sabotage,

the committee have also had to evict a plot-holder

for not maintaining his sheds or cultivating his allotment.

Chairman Tony and committee member Bob

are clearing out the evicted tenant's plot to make way for a new arrival.

Dear, oh dear, Bob.

That's 13, 15, 16 years of rubbish.

30 years, I think.

He's been on the site for 34 years.

It's been in such a state, I think it was time the gentleman went.

The stuff that's in here!

His tools can go down to the free bench, for anybody that wants them.

-Yeah.

-And the same with the sprayers.

There's an old bucket you can have, Bob. That must be an antique!

That'll go with my antique watering can that I've got in the shed.

But as they clear the shed, there's a formal complaint to the local police.

At approximately 4.30 today I had a visit from a police officer

from Devon and Cornwall police

referencing an alleged theft from an ex-member's shed.

I've never, ever been in trouble with the police.

And Bob's completely upset about it.

He's really annoyed.

And I'm not very happy with it, either.

Um, I'm a bit stronger willed than my wife.

But she is very upset at the situation.

This one thing is just like another thorn in our side.

It's one more bit of trouble after another.

We're trying to be happy there.

More and more people dream of having an allotment.

So nearly 100,000 gardeners are on waiting lists for plots across the UK.

Getting back to basics and growing your own food is getting more popular.

Nearly half of today's plot-holders are women.

And many newer allotmenteers are young.

New people bring new ideas

but they are not always welcome

when old traditions are questioned.

28-year-old teaching assistant Ben and his family tried for two years to get their plot.

But it was in 2011 that Ben's war really began.

I thought, when I was going to go to the allotment,

it would be harmonious.

I thought that it was going to be idyllic.

And I suppose it turned out far from idyllic.

One of my friends, he said to me when I got there,

"It's not like Alan Titchmarsh here!"

This is what I get chased off with.

This area you can see is all my plot.

Over there, where I've just started weeding and turning over,

is where the pumpkins go.

It turned out that my soil was perfect for pumpkins.

It used to be the old tipping ground of the people from surrounding areas.

The committee said, "We're glad we've got you cos you're young

"and you can use your energy

"and none of us old farts would be able to do this."

So I turned over the land, a back-breaking two months to do that.

After the two months, I kind of just got exhausted.

I just had to have that three weeks off.

And when I went back, everywhere was two feet high in weeds.

This is where the problem started.

This was the first time that anything was said.

The neighbours here, all on this side, everybody seems to be cool and nice.

I've got along with everyone really well.

It's just over yonder

that they dwell.

The committee, over on the dark side there,

seems to be where they all congregate.

I believe that once I'd got it cleaned up and done the hard work,

the committee saw how, even though it was weeds that was growing,

that things was growing rapidly fast.

Once they realised how fertile the land was,

this is when they started suggesting that maybe it was too much for me.

Maybe I couldn't cope. Maybe they should give it to somebody else.

The committee chair went public and informed the press

that "Ben has been given every opportunity to keep his plot fit for purpose,

"but he hasn't."

I received a letter that said, "You are being evicted from the allotments in 28 days.

"Start packing your stuff up and you're out."

The council intervened

and I got to keep my plot,

which was great.

I'll tell you it feels almost now at the minute

like two antagonistic forces coming together in battle.

I feel like I've come out on top and I've won this battle,

but, as we all know,

I've won the battle, but it feels like the war's only just begun, really.

It's the wettest summer in 100 years.

Frank is behind with his crops.

He's trying to catch up in time for the Master City Gardener competition in two months' time,

but the site is flooded.

We've had rain every day in the last two months, bar one day, I think.

I mean, look at that!

The constant rain attracts other deadly adversaries.

Of course the slugs and the snails have absolutely wallowed in this. They think it's brilliant.

There's been no restriction on them whatsoever.

And that's the consequence. You know if you look at that,

I've been picking these things all year,

trying to save the plants and just getting absolutely nowhere.

Look. There they are.

Waiting poised. But not tonight, gentlemen.

Disgusting.

Look at that one. Look at that!

It's absolutely skeletised, you know?

I've lost the battle with the slugs this year.

I could be evil, I suppose, and find my competitors and put them in their garden!

But I'd never do that!

That would be a bit harsh!

We started with fire.

Then I was flooded. Two foot of water.

Then bloomin' pestilence. So what comes next?

Locusts?

Pillage? What? What's next?

Heavens, it's Biblical, that's all I can say. It's Biblical.

If the Newcastle slug and snail plague

doesn't destroy Frank's chance to win the title of Master City Gardener,

then there's someone else who might.

Last year's winner.

Well, I've got Master Gardener

for two years in a row.

I was quite chuffed with what I had achieved.

I mean, it's satisfying when you win.

To get a phone call from my daughter to tell us that we'd won the big one.

My reaction was, "What big one?" and she said, "Well, you beat Frankie."

Frank and Harry's plots are next to each other.

But they don't discuss the competition.

In fact, they don't discuss anything!

I haven't spoken to Harry for two to three years.

I just ignore him. It's as simple as that, you know?

And that'll never change, now. Never.

You know? So...

What could change that?

An apology.

I'm not going to fall over myself to speak to him.

And he certainly will NEVER get an apology off me.

Frank and Harry were both committee members

but fell out after an annual general meeting of plot-holders.

I know what aggravated him.

Because I said to a couple of ladies

if there was a vote for committee members,

don't vote for Frankie Lightfoot.

I thought I was saying this in a light-hearted conversation.

I discovered he'd been trying to tell people not to vote for me

in any votings that take place in the annual general meeting.

Which I thought was a disgrace.

And the comment about him wanting to know why people shouldn't vote for me

and of course, my comment to him then was,

"Because in the past you've promised to do so much and you end up by doing so little."

I think he was very foolish about the whole thing.

I can't see where it was getting him.

I feel I need an apology from him.

Because of his outburst at the, um, the meeting.

I mean, there's no love lost between me and Frankie.

After the confrontation at the meeting,

they both resigned from the committee

and they haven't spoken since.

Ben was nearly evicted in 2011.

He did eventually win that battle.

But a year later, Ben's war with his fellow gardeners is not over.

"Your rent is now more than 28 days in arrears.

"If we don't hear from you within the next seven days,

"you will be deemed to have quit.

"Should we not hear from you, we will reallocate your plot

"as we have a waiting list of over 20 people waiting for allotments.

"Regards, the Committee."

Ben says that he tried to pay his rent before the deadline passed,

but he couldn't get through.

So he's in danger of being evicted.

Again.

Nope.

I was late with the payment.

I didn't realise.

Last year, I paid in June.

It doesn't matter. It's always been relaxed.

That's not the issue.

It's not money.

I've come here today to keep this allotment.

Well, here's the cabin.

Here's my money.

It turns out they tried to evict me

cos I owe them about £12.

There's a sign saying, "All plot holders, rent and water rates are now due."

Excuse me.

Is any of you a member of the committee?

-No idea.

-Are you a member of the committee?

-I'm making no comment.

-Can I just pay, anyway? I've got the money.

-No.

-No?

No?

There's a sign over there saying the rents are due.

So I've got the money.

DOG BARKS

I'm just trying to pay.

'I think it's just gone too far.

'Can't they just let me live my life and grow a fucking pumpkin?'

Why do these people... What fucking drives these people?

I don't understand it. This is the thing. I don't get it.

Why would you do this?

This is my land. All I want to do is get the pumpkins in.

This one's gonna be the best one.

It's the pumpkin of defiance!

-Hello.

-Hiya.

This is our plot.

It's my plot.

They've given you the plot

and they shouldn't have, really. Um...

As far as I know, they've given it to us cos they said this plot had become available.

They're trying to evict me for no real reason.

We've paid for it. We were given it. We know nothing about this.

It looks like what's decided is they'll give you my plot.

As far as I'm concerned, they have absolutely no right

to give my plot away.

I'm a bit embarrassed, really.

-It's a strange scenario.

-What transpires, transpires.

-It's embarrassing.

-That's what it is.

-I'm embarrassed as well.

-Yeah.

'I'm gonna say I'm not accepting that they can take it away

'because it's not theirs to take away.

'I'll speak to a different member of the committee.

'I'm gonna make another attempt to pay.'

I'm coming to take a stand and show them that I still want my allotment.

I'm gonna drive past the hut where they all maybe are.

I think they're all committee. They've locked the gate.

If a plot holder has been evicted

and then returns to the site,

this could be seen as trespassing.

All I want to do is speak to them

and ask why they've done it like this.

I don't know what you're planning. I'm scared. I want to go.

You're not letting me go. You're keeping me hostage.

I've come in peace and I'll go in peace.

-MAN:

-Peace? You've caused nothing but aggravation, stress and upset.

'I was hoping to speak to one of the committee members.'

'They went to the gates, locked me in, changed the locks.'

I said, "Look, I've got to go and pick my son up from school.

"Please let me go and I'll give you the key back."

-If you let me go, I'll give you the key.

-No.

I need to go and get my son. You're keeping me against my will.

What you're doing is illegal.

-Trespass is illegal.

-I'm trying to leave.

I came to offer the money that it said on the letter that I owed.

They've rang the police, but at the same time they're keeping me against my will.

When the police came, I just said, "I've offered to give them the key."

So I just passed it to the policeman and he peacefully took me out.

I'm all right.

Wow!

I feel like I've been pushed around.

I want to keep the allotment, but I don't want to go anywhere near those people.

I think they're vile.

It would be hard for me to be on that allotment with them.

So I suppose I'll have to move on.

I'll probably go to an allotment where there's a lot nicer people.

# The man from Laramie... #

Chairman Tony is no longer in danger of getting a criminal record.

So he can now concentrate on winning the Best Vegetable trophy at the allotment-holders' annual show.

The police have dropped their investigation of the disputed shed clearance

and everything can now be removed to make the plot ready for a new tenant.

Since your last visit,

the police have told us that there will be no further -

they're not looking into it any further.

There will be no charges brought forward.

Janet's over the moon. Janet's relaxed now.

They've told us to just carry on and enjoy our gardening which we intend to do.

But there was little time to enjoy any gardening.

With the annual show just days away,

someone has been at the committee members' vegetables.

Basically, I've come down here

and found the bins have been emptied of carrots.

I suppose in the rush they missed these two and pulled them out.

They didn't have any tops on.

Don't know if there's anything else in here.

-Why?

-Precisely.

What's the advantage?

Unless somebody's trying to stop somebody winning points in the show. I don't know.

Could be. Could be.

Dear, oh dear. All for £1.50 first prize. Good Lord!

They're very clever. They leave it till the last minute before the show

where they know it's going to hit you harder.

Gary and I were talking. He said, "They've all gone. Every single one of them."

I rang him about ten o'clock or something last night, it might have been,

and he answered the phone and I said, "Are you all right?"

He said, "No, I'm not." I said, "What's wrong?"

"Somebody's had my bloody carrots!"

You look at the size of this site.

Who's gonna know, almost to two foot square,

-of carrots in a container like that?

-That's right.

-That's right.

-Nobody.

-Nobody.

-Unless you knew where they were.

-That's right.

It's just two days until the Newcastle Master City Gardener competition.

Frank and Harry are both hard at work.

Separately.

But there's one thing that Frank and Harry do agree on.

It's been a very bad year for carrots.

Skip.

Worst year ever.

Bin. Bin. Bin.

You've got desperation carrots here.

Maybe I should do the smallest carrot varieties.

No, they're just little tiddlers.

A disaster.

I've no doubt that's all you'll hear. "It's been a bad, bad year."

Although they agree about the meteorological conditions,

there are rumblings about whether Harry deserved the title of Master City Gardener last year.

Last year was just a fluke.

Because I got disqualified.

I was told quite categorically that I should have won that.

Well, Frankie maintained that he had been disqualified.

The general opinion was that Frankie was not disqualified.

He doesn't like getting beat

and he does not take defeat graciously.

Without sounding arrogant, I did think it was better than Harry's.

But he won, for whatever reason.

In the opinion of the judges,

I beat him twice, fair and square.

Since 1902,

Newcastle's best growers have competed against each other

at regional shows.

At the city show for allotment holders,

all eyes are on the competitors for the prestigious Master City Gardener's trophy.

It's awarded for the best mixed display.

Frank and Harry prepare to set up their displays for the judges,

but even here they are forced to be neighbours.

They're put right next to each other.

What have I done with the rhubarb?

After setting up side-by-side for an hour-and-a-half in silence,

it's Harry who finally grasps the nettle.

You need twice the width.

We'd never fill it.

I didn't think I'd have enough stuff, but now I'm looking at that space, I know I'll fill it.

Very surprised Harry spoke to me today. First time in three years.

I don't know what that's about.

Maybe he's decided to be on speaking terms. I don't know.

Or it could be maybe because he's being filmed. Who knows?

Well, I felt the need to talk to him

was because of the close proximity.

Beautifully displayed. The quality is very high.

-Not a bad one there, that I can see.

-No, I can't see any.

-I'm not sure I like these snail shells.

-I'm a bit uncertain about the snails!

-I mean, it's an idea, but we've all seen too many snails this year!

-You're right.

The Champion City Gardener for 2012 is Frank Lightfoot.

-Thank you.

-Congratulations.

-I've got to watch this now.

-Yes, take it off.

I always end up throwing it across the floor.

-This is absolutely fab.

-Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot. Thank you.

There's one thing I do know - I smile more than he does.

He always looks miserable.

He had a face like my backside when he was going back to his seat.

Very pleased. Right. Excellent.

Right. Good.

Newcastle Championship Gardener.

Back to where I belong, at the top of the pile.

I think.

Next year, I don't think that for one moment that we'll enter the Master Gardener.

I just don't want to enter it because it's too much hassle!

It's not because Frankie's won this year.

Next year, we're not entering.

The Bexley shed burglar has broken in again.

But he hasn't filled out the questionnaire.

Michelle and Sharon are still trying to catch him.

They have joined Plot Watch,

a scheme to encourage tenants and residents

to keep an eye on sites that are being attacked.

THEY GIGGLE

The Plot Watchers set up camp so they can secretly spy on Michelle's shed from a safe distance.

We should switch off all the lights now and just sit there.

And wait.

Without being mouthy and loud.

-Why are you looking at me when you say that?

-Shh.

PACKET RUSTLES LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

I think I just dropped some popcorn down me top!

'My better half would like to cave his head in.

'He sees it as my sanctuary.

'Quite a few of the other halves are up here.

'Because a lot of us are female, they see us as damsels in distress.

'We definitely aren't damsels in distress.

'But the idea was to catch him unawares

'and give him what for.'

What's the time?

-About ten.

-Ten o'clock, isn't it.

I don't reckon it's too early. I reckon we're too noisy!

I think we might, even just for ten minutes, turn everything off.

I think we're quite funny, actually.

-If anyone could see us, they must be thinking...

-Divs.

-Yeah.

I bet he's just walked straight past!

-Have you checked your shed in the last half hour?

-No.

He's probably in there having a cup of tea!

If somebody does come, what would you do?

We'd wrestle him to the ground...

..put him in a head-lock,

and then unmask him!

Unmask him?

We're being silly, now.

Sharon, stop it.

Shh! Shh!

Did anyone just hear that gate?

No.

Did no-one hear that gate? Seriously?

You're winding me up.

I'm not.

The lock was like that.

I'm sure we put it on the outside.

-It was tucked inside like that.

-Like that.

I wouldn't have put it like that.

I've just put the chain up like that and put it like that, but it was moved over.

So someone's pulled it out.

I've just seen a tiny little light just go across.

See anything?

SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

Fucking hell! You scared the shit out of me, then!

-It's him, look.

-Tit!

It turns out to be a local plot holder alerted by the suspicious crunching of crisps.

We didn't hear you coming in the gate.

-No, I tried to come in quietly.

-You're stealthy, aren't you? I know!

-I seen lights down there, lights across...

-We've been patrolling.

-I thought it was kids.

-We've been patrolling for hours.

-What for?

-Cos we're under Plot Watch, aren't we?

-What does that mean?

-It's a new Neighbourhood Watch, but for allotments.

-You must be crackers.

-I know.

I think it's time to go home to bed now.

It's a shame that we didn't catch him out.

Before you go, go and make sure there's a drop of milk in there for him!

Better off in my shed tonight.

There's loads in yours.

If you can hear us, go in Sharon's shed. There's more stuff in there!

Night-night, allotment.

It's the day before the annual show

and the Torquay carrot snatcher has not been apprehended.

Tony and Janet are harvesting what they can.

But thinking ahead is second nature to keen gardeners

and Tony has a cunning plan to defeat the vegetable vandals.

He has another plot in a top-secret location.

He's been growing his best vegetables there.

He calls it Plot X.

'What I done this year is I found a plot which is miles from anywhere.

'We'll call it Plot X.

'Nobody knows where it is. It takes me a while to get there

'but I know that when I go there

'the stuff I plant in there, the water I use is perfectly safe

'and I've got no problems.

'Hopefully, the produce I grow on there this year

'will be good enough for our show.'

This is all in the life of allotments.

Right. Today is the grand opening of our tubes

with this gorgeous weather.

And once they're out, if one can get them out,

one has to see what's inside.

Well, that's what it's all about.

Weeks and weeks of waiting.

And they're still here.

Look at that!

JANET CHUCKLES

Well, this is going better than I expected.

And nobody's sabotaged any of 'em.

Once we've finished, we can go home, strip off, have a shower or bath.

GLEEFUL LAUGHTER

That's about 42 inches long.

No bragging!

All right, Janet. Just to feel the weight of that.

Gosh!

The show's tomorrow, so to the show we must go.

Obviously grown in pipes.

But lovely.

Some of the best I've seen this year, actually.

Best Veg in Show.

I've got first on the carrots.

I've got first on the two marrow.

And first and second for the longest runner beans.

Plot X is coming out champion.

It goes to show if you can grow your stuff

away from people that think they can just help themselves like in a supermarket,

it's come up trumps. I'm chuffed to pieces.

Could I call up Tony Mason, please?

Because Tony has won the Best in Show Shield, Vegetable Section.

-Well done, Tony.

-Thank you very much.

Oh, dear, I didn't expect any of this.

Well, yeah, all the troubles, that's been a set-back.

We found it very upsetting. That set us back quite a bit.

Because you just lost interest for a little while

and you didn't want to carry on, really.

You do. Then you just pick yourself up, after a day like today, pick yourself up and carry on.

The one thing we're going to do is go and have a nice hard drink.

We'll probably have a Bourbon and Coke or a scotch on the rocks.

And then we'll consider going to bed.

-And that'll be the lot.

-Yep.

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