Dream Me Up Scotty

For a start, there's not just one accent.

There's not even just one language.

The delights of the banter, frozen in celluloid!

Lichts!

Camera!

Accents!

HIS VOICE ECHOES

Telaww derraw!

We're doomed!

Ladies and gentlemen, laddies and lassies, loons and quines,

tonight we bring you the Scottish accent as you've never heard it

before, because when Tinseltown paints its tonsils tartan,

this is what happens.

Hello.

You're coming with me.

Did you know that you were speaking to yourself?

Well, it just so happens I'm Scottish!

And if you are a Scotsman, I'm ashamed to call myself one.

I'll die for Scotland, but not for him!

This Scottish stuff can be complicated.

CROWD ROARS

For nearly 100 years now, international audiences have

struggled to comprehend our braw brogue.

Och aye, ach, they can't even understand each other.

But such accent aberrations were not just confined to the silver screen.

Ever since a Scotsman invented TV, TV has been inventing Scotsmen.

You Scots sure are a contentious people.

You just made an enemy for life!

HE TALKS IN FAKE SCOTS GIBBERISH

Pardon, sir? I said...

HE TALKS IN EVEN FASTER GIBBERISH

Tonight, we are going on a Scottish accent safari.

So, lend me your lugs and you'll hear the good...

Heid! Move!

..the bad...

You look like a woman, you stupid haggis! Haggis?

..and the absolutely bowfing of mock Jock acting.

A wee, braw flower... for a wee, braw lassie.

Someone's been mudurd? Aye. Mudurd, aye, mudurd. Mudurd. Mudurd. Mudurd.

Scotland, lassie.

It's always been tricky, trying to put an accurate

depiction of our wee country up on the big screen.

For a start, there's not just one accent.

There's not even just one language.

I mean, we've got Gaelic speaking communities,

not to mention Chinese, Punjabi, Polish speaking Scots.

And then, we've got Glaswegian, Dundonian, Doric, Lallans,

Orcadian, the salt 'n' sauce Scots of the East Coast.

I tell you, the whole thing is just a grammatical guddle.

Er, that means a mix, by the way.

But over the years, the sound of Scotland on screen has been anything but subtle.

We may lift our heads high and say, "Scotland forever."

I have come to accept that people who don't hear our accents

all the time genuinely cannot tell the difference between mine,

yours and the guy who played Scotty in Star Trek.

Aye, the haggis is in the fire for sure.

We will be teaching some keen young actors

how to speak top-notch Scotch.

Murdur! Gonnae no' dae that?

Revisiting the most memorable words ever spoken in Scots.

That is a brassiere! She's got a brassiere!

No, I mean...

But they'll never take our freedom!

It's a piece of brilliant Hollywood bombast.

CROWD ROARS

Everybody paints their faces blue and shows their arse.

And finding out if we speak funny.

# C-H-I-P-S

# I'm talking C-H-I-P-S! #

'It's not just the accent, it's what is behind the accent

'which is the character, but then, character is accent.'

# I... Amazing! #

It's the campness that allows Gary to get away with murder.

# Perfection! #

'He can say, like...'

"Your auntie's dead, that's shockin'. Listen, check out these new trainers."

# Oh, oh, oh... #

And we'll be asking if accent actually matters,

or do we have a chip on our shoulders?

She said we could take it out on the lake. That's LOCH!

But first of all, can we have a little sympathy for the poor actor?

Well, let the frame of things disjoint.

See, the thing is, unless you are a genuine Jock,

putting on a Scottish accent can be a bit like doing your own stunts.

It's high risk, it's dangerous and it could so easily go wrong

and destroy your entire career.

Now, later, we'll be hearing some of the worst Scottish accents

ever to blight our brogue.

But let's begin with the good news.

# I will ride, I will fly... #

In Scotland, "disnae" means "does not".

But to the rest of the world, Disney means slightly sugary,

sentimental cartoons.

So, when the Scottish fairy tale Brave came out,

that means a Mickey Mouse Scotland, does it not?

Naw, it disnae!

Uh! That scaffy witch gave me a gammy spell!

Far from laughing at our lingo,

Disney actually boosted Scots' confidence,

because speaking in broad Scots is something

we have been historically self-conscious about.

'Fraid to muss your pretty hair? At least WE have hair!

And all our teeth! If he was a wee bitty closer, I could lob a caber at him, ken?

I was pleasantly surprised by Brave, but the fact that the suitors

speak various dialects of Scots was fantastic.

And that's the way it should be.

And because it was such a great film,

people made the effort to tune in.

Here we go, another hunt through the castle.

We haven't even had dessert yet.

Since you're saying it and I wasnae there tae see it masel',

I'll hae tae take yer word fer it.

HE LAUGHS I have no idea.

I remember going to see Brave and being really quite surprised,

and pleasantly surprised,

by the fact that they had characters speaking in Doric.

And that while it was obviously, to some extent,

exaggerated for comic effect, these people weren't being

laughed at simply because of what they said and how they sounded.

Actually, quite a lot of the observation, I thought, was pretty spot-on.

I did some voice work on Brave and what was so fantastic about it

was that we were all encouraged to use our own accents.

SHUT IT!

'I think ever since the political union, Scots looked over

'their shoulder for approval from the larger culture, from England.'

I mean, James Boswell saying, "I do indeed come from Scotland, but I cannot help it."

I mean, that was the beginning of the Scottish cringe.

Jings, crivvens, help ma boab!

I think that if Brave had been an all-Scottish production,

the cringe would have entered the debate,

and they wouldn't have had the confidence to have such

full-on Doric and Scots as part of the soundtrack.

Who would have thought that Disney would crack the accent?

An almost all-Scottish cast, making a big American blockbuster,

without cringe or compromise,

and using real live Scottish words that Scottish folk actually use.

Michty me! Whae wud ha' thought it?

But we've come a long, long way since the start of our story.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

MUSIC: "The Burst Mattress" by Sharon Shannon Friends

Once upon a time,

the Scots emigrated to the far-flung corners of the world.

They brought with them their imagination,

a copy of Robert Burns and probably a wee dod of square sausage.

In the New World, these Scottish expats exaggerated their stories and

tried to hold on to what remnants of "Scotch" they could remember.

Now, Scotchland might have been a wee bit of a hazy memory, but hey,

in the early days of film-making, it was visually easy to recreate.

MUSIC: "I belong to Glasgow" By Winifred Atwell

Hollywood wants to construct this fantastical space, which they

know doesn't exist, but they are not particularly

interested in the authenticity of history, or the authenticity

of anyone's voice, but one of the things I think you have to

recognise is that Scots were complicit in this.

That Scots went to the States and presented caricatures of themselves.

So, you can't really be surprised if Hollywood picks them up,

puts them on the screen and then throws them back at you.

And then, the talkies came along, and inevitably,

Hollywood tried out its Scotch.

That was great, except it wasn't a voice that anyone in Scotland

would have recognised.

MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE

Hang on. What's that wee village over there?

# Brigadoon... #

I can see a wee Highland village,

full of strange, unrealistic Scottish people!

COW MOOS

# Brigadoon, Brigadoon... #

It very clearly announces itself as a fantasy,

and that is reflected in the Scotland that we hear

and also the Scotland that we see on screen in the film.

# Once in the Highlands, the Highlands of Scotland... #

Arthur Freed, who at that point was the head of the famous

musicals unit at MGM, spent quite a long time scouting

locations in the country, and famously,

and perhaps apocryphally, declared that he couldn't find

anywhere in Scotland that looked like Scotland.

So, they built the sets from scratch on a Burbank backlot.

And of course, if you can't find anywhere that

looks like Scotland in Scotland,

then I think you don't start to worry about people who

sound like Scotland.

Jean! Come away from the winda!

I'm trying to see Charlie. I know you are, and you are not supposed to.

In some ways, Brigadoon was prophetic.

A hammy, Highland vision of Scotland does mysteriously reappear

again and again.

It's a strange place that nobody can ever find, and where its simple,

tartan-clad inhabitants speak in strange trills and toots.

Sshh! Sorry.

This is my wedding day, laddie,

you are my invited guests, help yourselves.

The showbiz Scotch accent was treated as a hilarious

high jump for Hollywood stars.

In films like The Little Minister,

Katharine Hepburn struggled to sound like a seductive Scottish Gypsy.

It would be nice to be able to speak for a whole hour to people who

can neither answer nor run away.

I've noticed that when they tried to represent Scotland in Hollywood,

they used the words "laddies" and "lassies" as kind of punctuation.

Cos you're a lad and I'm a lass.

Can you imagine them on a climbing wall,

tackling the Scottish accent? And if we're being honest, it's a very hard accent to crack.

Aye, that she is. If I can get to the next "laddies", I'll be fine.

Where is old Jock, laddie?

DOG BARKS

To me, those films, whilst being entertaining,

are the same as the shops I see in Edinburgh that sell kilted towels.

They have as much relevance to, I think, Scotland, as that.

Lassie! Mind who you're speaking to.

I think that came out of the music hall tradition of comics using

dialects in their songs and in their stage act. But...

I mean, I use "lassies" and "laddies" and "d'ye ken?"

That was my everyday language, growing up.

And in The Barkleys of Broadway,

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers showed us

that even if they could walk the walk, talking the talk

was r-r-r-really, r-r-r-really tr-r-r-ricky.

Though we are called a people of serious mind,

'tis often we dance and 'tis often we sing.

'Well, firstly, it's Fred and Ginger,

'looking fantastic in tweed and tartan.'

OK, they sound as if they come from Mars, but it kind of doesn't

matter, because it is an act, within an act, within an act.

So, they get away with it, because you are not expected to

believe that that is how they might actually talk in real life.

# Hopin', watchin', waitin'

# For the r-r-real, r-r-real thing... #

'It's a classic example of the idea

'that the accent is there to be performed.'

And it is basically scripted around the premise of,

how many times can we get them to pronounce a word that has R?

# The years I'll weather-r-r-r

# In the hame or on the heather-r-r-r

# With me one and only Heilan' fling. #

'Shortbread tinnery? Yes, it's lovely, isn't it?'

And the thing is, I do like it. I know that it's shortbread tinnery, but I love shortbread!

Oh, I'd love a taste of Ginger.

The point is, if you are a 1950s cigar-chomping Hollywood mogul,

you don't care what audiences in Alloa or Islay or Inverness

think about your Scottish accent.

You care about the people in the American Midwest.

BAGPIPES PLAYING

Hollywood just wasn't interested in realistic Scottish accents.

It wanted to hear storybook Scotland,

an ancient land of castles, bagpipes and wee dugs.

Then and now,

Hollywood sees the Scottish burr as a kind of a fairy tale accent.

Ancient, charming, whimsical.

And I suppose we really should be flattered,

because they tend to give the English accents to the baddies,

whereas we have an underdog accent,

that is considered humorous and trustworthy.

Attention, all...fairy tale things!

To this day, there are lots

of fantasy characters with Scots accents.

In fact, I'm going to see this guy Farquaad right now

and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Princess tends to have a nice accent.

Then the Hobbit and the ogre and all the short, ginger people...

GLUGGING

..the ugly ones, really, are Scottish.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

You rarely get a handsome prince from Paisley.

In that case, lead on.

'When it comes to films like The Hobbit,'

you will notice that Scottish accents usually signify lower class.

Does he offer us insult?

So, the dwarves, for example, have Scottish accents,

because they are considered uncouth and barbarous.

Whereas Gandalf and Saruman...

PLUMMY ENGLISH ACCENT: ..speak with these very, very

important English accents.

No, Master Gloin, he is offering you food.

But possibly, the most famous fantasy Scotsman ever

comes not from an old fairy tale...

..but from the future, Captain!

Something like Star Trek, you are talking about a cross-section

of the human race being sent into space.

There was a Scot there, so why are we complaining?

I didn't see any Lithuanians!

The ship is yours, take care of her until I come back.

Aye-aye, sir, and have a bonnie trip.

He was a proper engineer, he kept the thing going,

and also, it was kind of a throwback to the engineering

tradition of the Scots, so there was a very, very slight,

slaver-thin history lesson there.

Well, now, what do you think of that?

'It wasnae that good an accent.'

Was Scotty not supposed to be from Linlithgow or something like that?

Start forming shore parties immediately.

And then, years later, the real Linlithgow wanted to have

a plaque, for a guy fae the future that didnae really exist.

Laddie, don't you think

you should rephrase that?

We might snigger at Scotty's strangled attempts at patter.

But we are just not used to the idea of Scots boldly going anywhere.

A spaceship full of Scots? No!

Cap'n! What noo?

There's a richt big hoor o' a spaceship comin' towards us!

Ye want tae see the basturtin' size o' the thing,

it's a gid yin or twa sizes bigger than oors, ken?

Set phasers tae malky.

Scots is a good accent for ancient tales and fantasy worlds,

but it is a tough gig for actors who have never sampled the real thing.

Your tongue is about the size of your hand...

'I joined a group of game young thesps

'at the Actors' Studio in London, as they tried to get

'their tongue around Glaswegian for the very first time.'

What we are going to do today is get you all started in the right

direction for a Scottish accent. And when a Scottish person does an R,

they curl their tongue back a little bit more.

Just say, "Curl girl."

ALL: Curl girl.

And your tongue should stick just a little bit behind your teeth.

Let's try, "There's a moose loose aboot this hoose."

There's a moose loose abou...

THEY LAUGH

There's a moose loose aboot the hoose.

There is a moose loose about the hoose. Aboot. Aboot the hoose.

Let's just try "murrdur". We say "murder" in RP and it's boring.

TOGETHER: Murrdur. Murrdur. Perfect. So, "murrdur" is almost 2 words.

Murr-durr. Thank you! Could you do this for us, Alex, please?

What would you like to hear? "Ach, away and boil your heid."

Ach, away an' bile yer heid!

THEY LAUGH

Ach, away and bile yer head!

THEY LAUGH

Ach, away an' bile yer heid! Och, away and beel yer heid! Bile.

Bile yer...ye head.

More dismissive, like somebody's really in your face. Ach, away an' bile yer heid!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, I thought it was a guy at the bar!

All right, now here's a quick lesson in Glaswegian.

Gies three fish suppers an' a can o' Irn Bru, please, Margaret.

Gizz three fish suppers and a can of Irn Bru, please, Margaret.

Gie us three fish suppers and a can...

Aargh! ..And a can o' Irn Bru, please, Margaret.

Gie us three fish suppers and a can of Irn Bru, please, Margaret.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good, OK.

Gonnae no' dae that?

Gonnae no' do that? In Glasgow, they would say "dae" for "do".

Gonnae no' dae that?

Gonnae no' dae that?

There is a sound at the end of the "aah",

it doesn't just end on "thaa".

Gonnae no' dae that? Gonnae no' dae that?

Pretty good, eh? That's nice.

It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht, the nicht.

It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht, the nicht.

It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht, the nicht.

It's a brawl, bracht, moonlacht nach... nicht tonight.

It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nit... Nicht. Nicked.

It's a braw, bracht, moonlacht nacht, the nacht.

THEY LAUGH

I think you can give yourselves a big round of applause.

Micah, do you think the Scottish viewers at home would forgive us

for trying out their Scottish accents?

Och, well, at least we're giving it a go! Aye!

THEY LAUGH

Which part are you from? I'm from Go-van. Where are you from?

I'm from Partick. Fantastic, well, it's lovely to meet you. You, too.

Ach, even Americans are learning to speak with a Scottish accent.

Ach, it's brilliant, they can do it nae bother an' all.

Ach, we've totally cracked this accent. Aye, that was easy.

Let's go and audition for a big Scottish film.

Now, one of the reasons the Scottish accent was

so hard to master was because it was so rarely heard.

In the early days of the BBC under Lord Reith, himself a Scot,

it was decreed that RP, received pronunciation,

was now to be the standard for exemplary English.

That is the end of the news.

Your BBC men

all spoke, and presumably were conditioned to speak,

in a sort of educated, Southern English voice.

Why was it that you wanted them all to speak like that,

rather than in some rich, regional way, like as you do, yourself?

Do I speak, very definitely, Scots, do you think?

Oh, very. Look, I can still talk,

myself, as broad Glasgow as anybody you would hear, do you see?

But I don't think I should talk like that on the wireless.

This was the Queen's English,

despite the fact that even then, less than 3% of the UK

population would have spoken like Betty Windsor.

What do you think of television coming to these parts, Mrs McIntyre?

Well, I think it will be super, you know,

because there is no other alternative of amusement.

But Scotland was about to get its own BBC.

This is the Kirk O'Shotts TV transmitter,

and it was from here in 1952 that BBC Scotland began broadcasting.

Cue action, please.

It was the dawn of a new era.

People from Scotland would make programmes for people in Scotland.

At last, a chance for Scotland to find its true voice

and rid itself of all that Brigadoon malarkey once and for all.

ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

Well, good evening, friends, and welcome.

You know, I've been promising my friend Alec here a good feed

of salt herring and tatties for some time, and I've just got round to it.

Clearly, 1950s BBC Scotland wasn't all about cutting-edge realism.

And most of the time, it spoke in accordance with Lord Reith's

idea of a refined voice.

What was christened "BBC Scots", the voice of authority.

Here is the Scottish news summary.

The Provost of Greenock has said that an Admiralty statement

issued this morning has not overcome fears about the future

of the Royal Naval torpedo establishment in the town.

It would be really quite a good idea

if you went back to the Reithian principle

of having a national pronunciation which we all understand.

Scottish standard English was, and remains,

the default accent of the BBC North of the border.

Our first sight of the batteries of lights and the boom microphones

and the creeping cameras, of course, so, we've a lot to do.

Right, standby, all in the studio.

Och, they are getting on like a house on fire!

'Right from the beginning of broadcasting, we are completely

'used to seeing dialect in comedy, also dialect for drama was fine.'

If something is serious, it's usually delivered in

standard English, with a regional standard accent.

KLAXON SOUNDS

This is direct television from the studios at Alexandra Palace.

A Scottish accent was considered uncouth.

And a Scottish working-class accent?

Well, just pure forget about it, pal.

I'm speaking to you at the moment

from a studio in Broadcasting House in Glasgow.

And actually,

that's a sleight-of-hand on behalf of the powers that be, because their

language is a dialect, it's just a dialect used by people in power.

This is London calling. Here is the news, read by Hugh Myers.

We associate truth with standard English and English accents,

and the posher the accent gets, the more we associate that with truth.

But not everyone's up for an accent revolution.

BRIAN SEWELL: I have travelled extensively,

and I have talked to persons who have spoken really very good English,

and they have learned it entirely from the BBC.

And God save them from having to learn Glaswegian!

Aye, whatever you say yersel', big man.

The problem was, there were competing ideas of what

"real Scotland" sounded like.

Tonight, Talkback is in Glasgow, before a Scottish audience.

We did find one file growing that we really didn't expect.

People living in Scotland, who objected to this.

MUSIC: "Mhairi's Wedding"

Throughout the '60s, Scotland continued heuching and teuching,

and although many people adored the traditional image,

a new generation dared to ask for more.

You know, it's stage Scots, it's not real.

It's blatantly not Scottish, I mean, to people in Scotland, anyway.

# I'm Sandy McKay I'm Andy McKay

# Two Highland lads are we

# I'm Sandy McKay I'm Andy McKay

# We're happy as can be... #

As kitchen-sink dramas began to emerge elsewhere, Scotland

and its White Heather Club waltzed on, through 1965, to '66,

to '67, to '68,

with skirls and lilts and jigs

and Jimmy Shand and accordions and tartan and...

STOP!

After years of being drowned out by bagpipes and accordions,

Scotland spoke.

McCafferty!

Your tea's oot!

Come ahead, McQuillan!

In the mid-70s, Peter McDougall wrote a trilogy of BBC plays that

revelled in the drunk and disorderly world of the Glasgow hard man.

Gie them something to listen tae!

This was working-class, West Coast Scotland.

Sectarianism, alcohol, violence, contemporary Scottish life,

warts and all.

And one of the main reasons it worked was

it spoke in an authentic voice.

The grittiness wasn't forced or contrived, it was genuinely

the way these guys were, the way the streets were, the way it was

shot, and especially the way it was written, which was brilliant.

Take it easy, hen.

I didnae notice you, did I?

Did ye no'? No, I didnae, did I?

I don't know, dae I?

Well, I didnae! Ya shite!

Oh, aye. Lend us yer face tae haunt a hoose!

I think there is a whole load of writers,

whether it be drama or comedy,

when McDougall's stuff started to appear, you realised that you could

actually write in that style, in the language that you were hearing.

That's ma bird.

And it didn't diminish the drama, it actually enhanced it.

Serves ye right.

So glad ye weighed in!

Move, ya tube! Make way for a living legend.

I think the most powerful example of me seeing something

and being shocked by how recognisable and familiar

and how real those accents were was by Peter McDougall,

which I was absolutely gripped by.

Gies 5p or get aff ma bus.

Hen, I wouldnae gie ye the pickings of ma nose if ye were starvin'.

All of it, the acting, the direction, the writing, all that came together brilliantly.

I'll have you know I'm a Catholic, no' a Pape!

Aye, yer all mince, missus. I hope your driver's a Pape, too.

It was just a wonderful piece, and it changed, I think,

my whole attitude to television drama,

the fact that you could actually do that.

Throughout the '70s and '80s, there was a flowering of TV dramas

with Scottish accents, in Scottish situations.

With characters who spoke, ate, lived, cursed, laughed

and carried on like us.

Tutti Frutti gave us rock 'n' roll characters

wi' a gallus Glasgow swagger.

# A wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a lop-bam-boom! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think the characters in Tutti Frutti were

very complex and conflicted.

One more remark about left-hand rolls and tryouts

and your ugly kisser is going straight through that windscreen!

'They weren't defined by the fact they were Glaswegian working class,'

what defined them was, you know, what they wanted,

what they were interested in, what their passions were.

What's the word? Stylish.

Sophisticated. Intelligent.

No, no.

Gallus.

I like being gallus, so there!

'One of Janice's main attractions was, she didn't

'care about what other people thought of her,'

so that was really liberating, and she was a nippy sweetie

and she was incredibly deadpan.

So there wasn't a lot of upward inflection!

Here! Do you mind, sweetheart? Dae I mind what?

Standing here like an idiot, holding on to the slack of your bum,

when I could be downstairs, having a large gin and tonic?

What do you think? Pay no attention to Miss Toner, Danny.

She's gonnae get her jotters when we get back. Just try it!

# A wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a lop-bam-boom! #

Of course, not everybody got it.

In fact, some folk didn't even understand our drama.

HE SIGHS

First, Tutti Frutti,

or "Tooty Frooty", as they call it North of the border.

Well, I couldn't understand it, I did find the Scottish accent...

I know it's snobbish, but it was so thick that quite a lot of words,

I just couldn't understand what was being said.

I have a real problem with television and accents,

because if they are so thick that I can't understand what's being said,

there is no point in watching or listening.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Glasgow is the one that I really don't understand, it's too thick.

It's oor language, we'll dae what the bloody hell we want wi' it!

Edinburgh seems to me to have a rather mean, thin...

..unpleasant sort of accent.

Are you kidding me on, or what?

I seem to remember being in Dundee once,

and finding that fairly unpleasant.

Sorry, pal, didn't get any of that.

When people don't understand something,

they often criticise it or make a cheap joke of it.

So, the Scottish accent was considered very funny indeed.

Hold on to your sides(!)

A wee tattie bogle! D'ye ken? The noo! Fur auld lang syne.

And no messing!

You must be English tourists, eh?

HE SPEAKS IN FAKE SCOTS GIBBERISH

..Touch and go!

I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond Monster!

Oh, God. Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.

Once again, it fell to film-makers in Scotland, because the Scottish

accent isn't the joke, the joke is just funnier in our Scottish accent.

The 1980s was a bit of a boom time for the Scottish film industry.

In particular, Bill Forsyth gave us

three memorable films that made us proud of our accent

and proud of where we came from, so cue jazz, rain and glaikitness.

MUSIC: "Gregory's Girl Main Theme" by Colin Tully

That Sinking Feeling, Gregory's Girl

and Local Hero were authentically Scottish,

charming and funny.

Bill Forsyth captured the pauses

and hesitancy of being an awkward

adolescent in 1980s Scotland.

Hello, darlin'! All right there, darlin', eh?

'If you had grown up in the West of Scotland,'

you'd lusted after girls in exactly that way.

And what Bill Forsyth really captured was the way people spoke

without saying anything.

Good afternoon.

Do you know

that when you sneeze,

it comes out your nose at 100mph?

It's a well-known fact.

100mph. Poofft!

Just like that.

'They tried to say something, that they really meant,

'that was the heart's desire to speak, and they couldn't say it,'

and it was all this, this nonsense, and that's a very Glaswegian thing.

See you later, Gregory, OK? How, where are you going?

Well, I just want to stay here a wee bit longer and watch the traffic.

I like looking at the big trucks.

Hah!

Like, do you know that at least 12 tonnes of cornflakes passes

under here every day? Really?

It's a well-known fact. Huh! Gee! Is it?

Never knew that. I'll see you later. Yeah, see you.

The films celebrated small-town Scottish voices,

but they were so odd and charming, they had a universal appeal.

That was exactly how it was written, and that's exactly how we spoke,

there was no worries, no problems,

nobody telling us that they couldnae understand what we were saying.

Have you got any plasters in here? Oh! There's none next door.

No. Maybe.

I'll get some.

Don't panic, it's just a scratch.

I only want to save my tights getting blood on them.

'Gregory's Girl came along, that was much more like my world.'

And that was joyous, actually, to hear people being quite

naturally funny in a character driven way, we're not laughing at their accent.

We're laughing at what they are saying, because it's funny, it's natural.

And they happen to be in this geographical location.

I'm in love.

Since when? About half an hour ago.

It's great. I feel restless and I'm dizzy. It's wonderful.

'That's not a film about being Scottish,

'that's a film about being a teenager and trying to find love.'

And in that way, it's the same

as Pretty in Pink, or Sixteen Candles,

it's just we've got Scottish accents.

Someone in the football team.

Really? Yeah.

Have you told anyone else about this?

Probably just a phase.

Who is it? Andy?

No, it's Dorothy! She's a girl. Oh.

In an act of unforgivable vandalism,

Gregory's Girl and That Sinking Feeling

were both redubbed with posh Scottish accents

for their international release.

So, here is the original...

I've been thinking.

You know that Irn Bru factory up the road, up the cross? Aye.

It's a natural for a hit.

THEY MUTTER AND GRUMBLE

Look, the summer's coming in, right?

There will be hundreds of thirsty people. We could make a fortune!

20,000 gallons of Irn Bru? Hey, that's no' tae be sniffed at!

Now, try not to boak,

because here's the dubbed version for the international market.

I've been thinking.

You know that ginger beer factory up the road, up at the cross? Aye.

It's a natural for a hit.

THEY MUTTER AND GRUMBLE

Look, the summer is coming in, right?

There will be hundreds of thirsty people. We can make a fortune!

20,000 gallons of ginger beer? Hey, that's not to be sniffed at!

'The poshness disnae work,

'because it's no' about a group of posh guys, you know?'

We're all young Glaswegians, just out of school, no money,

on the dole, desperate to get a bit of money.

But they're streetwise, they're wideboys, you know?

No' think it's time you traded that in for something wi' wheels?

If you take that away, you've lost a wee bit of the humour, you know?

CHEERING

Bill Forsyth's films captured us at our most absurd

and our most realistic, including the one linguistic skill

that the Scots have totally mastered. The fine art of swearing.

We are PHENOMENAL at it.

Oh, look, here we go. Ha-ha!

'I'm a big fan of swearing, when it's used properly.'

And I think Scottish people swear particularly well.

Ya couple o' fannies!

We've had "fannies" used on screen, you know? It's wonderful.

I mean, it sounds really childish, but that's about ownership.

That validates your language.

Here! We're burnin' your claes!

Ya couple o' fannies!

For a long time, we were told that swearing was bad language.

Which meant that most of us grew up believing the colourful way

we expressed ourselves was unacceptable.

Then came the God of swearing.

Oh, and if you're slightly offended by industrial language,

then please, cover your ears now.

People say it's, it's...

it's a limited vocabulary that makes you swear. Well, I don't think so.

Because my vocabulary... I know at least, oh, my God, about 127 words...

LAUGHTER

..and I still prefer fu...

Here was the accent that you heard every day,

or I heard every day, on my way to work, from work, at work.

And there was no compromise.

Cos "Go away" kind of dissipates, doesn't it? "Go awa-a-a-ay!

"Go away! Shoo!

"Go away, go aw-uurgh!"

It was the subject matter that he was dealing with,

he dealt with religion and bodily functions!

So, he's away up to his tenement building, through the close -

that's the entrance to the tenement...

LAUGHTER

..Into the back green, into the wash house,

and sure enough, there's a big mound of earth.

There's a bum sticking out of it.

He says, "Is that her?" He says, "Aye." He says, "What did you leave

"her bum sticking out for?" He says, "I need somewhere to park my bike."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

His rhythm of delivery is very individual to him,

specifically at that time.

And then he would go like that, and then like "tha-a-at",

and he would let it "go-o-o", which would let the laughs go.

I love to play in Scotland and be a comedian,

because suddenly I get the luxury of speaking at the right speed.

You speak a bit like a pillar box, you don't move your mouth at all. And you point with your feet.

People say, "Excuse me, could you direct me to Sauchiehall Street?"

You go, "Aye, it's o'er there."

Used to go into pubs, guys in Stirling and Falkirk and Inverness

doing The Crucifixion, supposedly in Billy Connolly's style,

their version of a Glasgow accent.

I'm not on a YOP scheme, this is what I do!

It was so big, that. We can't underestimate how big that was.

Billy, when I first came to London and spoke with my Scottish accent,

I was so conscious of it feeling very flat-footed, and I wondered,

when you came to London, to begin with,

did you have awful problems with the Scottish accent? I did.

It was... Well, I didn't really have a problem. I kind of, eh...

People treated me a bit like I was a Swahili poet.

MUSIC: "Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop

'Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.'

Amazingly, our supposedly uncouth accents were becoming sort of cool.

BRAKES SCREECH

In the 1990s, two films were released that showed two very

different versions of Scotland, and spoke in very different ways.

'Choose good health, low cholesterol...'

These films exemplified the two very distinct genres of Scottish cinema.

They spoke in different accents, but both contributed to a bigger

conversation that was going on throughout the country.

I think the mid-90s are a key moment for Scottish culture.

In 1993, the book Trainspotting is released.

In 1994, James Kelman wins the Booker Prize,

written in the Glaswegian language.

I love the Glasgow vernacular. It uses the word "boak"...

Then in 1995, Braveheart comes out,

then in 1996, Trainspotting, the movie.

So, suddenly, there's all this Scottishness.

'A lot of it very radical.'

William Wallace? Can't be.

'Using the language of the working class, unadulterated, undiluted.'

Braveheart gave Scotland the full Hollywood treatment.

Stirring score, bonnie banks and an A-list actor.

But would he have a B-movie accent?

We were all lined up, and it was

a big speech from Mel, like, a BIG speech.

And everyone was sort of waiting, thinking,

"What's it going to be like? Is it going to be 'Mel'?"

Sons of Scotland,

I am William Wallace.

William Wallace is seven feet tall! Yes, I've heard.

Kills men by the hundred.

And if he were here,

he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes...

and bolts of lightning from his arse.

THEY LAUGH

I've got to say, I think he did a great job of it.

Really, it was a tough call for this guy, you know?

But he had the cojones to get up there and do it,

and I thought, "Good on you, man."

They may take our lives...

but they'll never take our freedom!

CROWD ROARS

It scarcely mattered that Braveheart was deep-fried Hollywood hokum.

It spoke directly to the Scottish soul.

And there was at least one line written by a Scot.

We were doing a scene where I got shot with an arrow.

ARROWS WHISTLE

Pull the arrow out of me, and I smack this guy for pulling it out of me.

Mel said, "Hey, Jimmy," he said,

"What would you say if someone pulled an arrow out of your chest?

"I mean, Jesus!" I said, "Ah, that'll wake you up in the morning, boy."

That'll wake you up in the morning, boy.

He went, "Yeah!" And that was my line!

I'd just like everyone to know, that was my line, I made that up,

ME, James Cosmo!

It's the only thing I've ever made up in my life!

HE GASPS IN PAIN

And in true Scottish style, the best bit was

when our Highland hero suffered a glorious defeat.

FREEDOM!

The execution scene in Braveheart lasts an extraordinary

nine minutes and at the end of it, after acting like he's been

digesting a week-old Forfar bridie, Mel bellows out the most

single famous word ever yelled in Scottish film history.

FREEDOM!

What you've got to remember is, that film got standing ovations

in cinemas in Scotland.

People really loved it, and they didn't just love it, it tapped into

something very, very important, if stupid, in the Scottish character.

Because it was, in the end, completely fictitious.

The film had an extraordinary effect on Scotland's sense of itself.

Any Scot who did something even fairly heroic

was immediately labelled a Braveheart.

What?

What blue paint?

On my face? Oh, my God!

MUSIC: "Born Slippy" by Underworld

Trainspotting could hardly have been more different.

It was the small, cool, urban Scottish movie

that conquered the world.

There!

While Braveheart is famous for its yelp for freedom,

Trainspotting give us a slightly less heroic picture of Scotland.

In one of its most infamous speeches,

Trainspotting told us truths that we could only hear in our own accent.

What are you waiting for?

Tommy...

This is not natural, man.

It's the great outdoors!

There is a great sense of release,

because we are in the landscape that people say,

"Oh, isn't that lovely?" And that sparks off a very political

assessment of what Scotland is and where we are.

Doesn't it make you proud to be Scottish?

It's shite being Scottish!

We're the lowest of the low!

The most wretched, miserable, servile,

pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilisation.

Some people hate the English. I don't.

Cannae even find a decent culture to be colonised by!

We're ruled by effete arseholes.

It's a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy.

I'd not seen that on screen before, where the easy thing to say was

that everything is the fault of the English,

and he was going beyond that, saying, "I don't blame them, we're rubbish."

'His fury in that scene, because they are surrounded by hills,'

and it's like, this is the nation you're supposed to love, isn't it beautiful?

But that element of Scottishness

is almost what Scotland has been reduced to.

In terms of Scottish culture,

I actually think it's a kind of bottoming out scene, that.

And from that point on, the only way is up.

# Oh, it's such a perfect day

# I'm glad I spent it with you... #

MUSIC: "Kickabout" by Teenage Fanclub

Scotland was growing ever more confident about using its real

voice, and in recent years, the strongest,

most authentic Scottish accents are to be found in TV comedy.

Wait a minute, there's one more. Here we go...

ALL: Stoneybridge!

Div ye nae ken fit a futret is?

F-E-R-R-E-T.

Futret.

Gonnae no' dae that?

How?

I might sound like I come fae Priesthill, but I don't stay in Priesthill, all right?

ANYTHING can happen.

These are shows that know their audience.

For me, comedy is a lot about truth.

If it comes from a place and you get all those details right,

people will see that, they'll understand that.

Gentlemen, I give you...

the Stoorie Midori.

THEY COUGH

That's nice of you. Aye, I GIVE you.

12 pound. Ten pound. 13.

12.

You don't start on the outside, thinking about accents,

you just start with the character.

And it turned out that I wanted Gary to be more Fife-based,

because it gave him...

No offence, Fife, but it gave him slightly more naive character traits.

Depends who's asking. I am. Gary. I'm askin'.

I think people are genuinely disappointed, if they have

seen Gary and then they meet me, they'll come up and be like,

"Gary! Gary!

"Gary!" And they want me to go, "Oh, hiyuh, brullyant,

"let's just hang oot fur the day, let's just dae this, me and you,

"we'll become best pals." But it's not like that, so they are disappointed.

Don't laugh at his name, Gary.

It's just a wee, furry animal.

It's lovely old Scotch, though. What, old Scottish people?

The drink, Corporal. Oh, right. I like the old Bailey's.

My wife, Betty, she loves Bailey's. Betty Badger? Mrs Badger.

Yes, sir. Right.

TV comedy give a platform to some unlikely Scottish heroes.

The accent was raw, it was uncompromising, it was in-your-face!

It was funny.

Ach!

Rob? Rob, it's for you, it's Mary. I think there's something wrong.

Mary? How, what's the matter?

I don't know, I can't understand what she's saying. Wha'?

I said, I can't understand what she is saying.

Oh, it's no use, doll, I cannae understand what you're saying.

There's never a pull-back, it just was what it was, whatever it was.

And we didn't seek to dilute it.

Eh, Mary, what's the matter, doll?

'And I think people liked that, they responded to what'

they saw as some kind of cultural integrity.

There are more people in Greater London than

there are in the whole of Scotland.

Aye, but I mean, for goodness' sake,

it's quality that counts, not quantity.

Occasionally, people would say things like,

"Oh, it's very funny, but I don't understand it."

Well, how do you know it's very funny, then?

Hello there, Mary doll!

What the hell time do you call this?

What am I talking about?

What the hell MONTH do you call this?

Viewers South of the border enjoyed Rab's musings.

How, did ye no' miss me?

But in Scotland, there was some discomfort over the steamin',

haverin', Govan philosopher. I will tell you this, lady...

No, I will tell YOU this...

We suffer greatly from the cringe here in Scotland, you know,

like, "That's a ridiculous view to give of Scotland."

I see yous are all turning against me now, eh?

The problem is, we get so few pictures of who we are.

I will walk alone!

If you look at New York, you get Scorsese, you get Woody Allen,

you get musicals,

you've got a plethora of different images of a fantastic city.

In Scotland, we maybe get three pictures a year of who we are,

and that's why everybody goes, "That's no' who we are!"

Your country is like your own fizzer, in't it?

I mean, it might be a pockmarked, drink-ridden eyesore,

but you're stuck with it, in't ye?

So, I mean, you might as well try and love it.

LIFT PINGS

But does accent actually matter?

You ever tried voice recognition technology? No.

They don't do Scottish accents.

11.

'Could you please repeat that?'

11. 11! 'Could you please repeat that?'

11! We are very proud of our accent,

more so than anywhere else in the UK.

'You have not selected a floor.' Aye, we have! 11!

'You have not selected a floor.' AAGH!

And if we are honest, we can sometimes enjoy righteous

indignation when people can't follow what we say.

'You have not selected a floor.' Up yours, ya cow!

If you don't let us out these doors, I'm gonnae come tae America,

I'm gonnae find whatever desperate actress gave you a voice

and I'm gonnae go to the electric chair for ye!

Scotland! Scotland!

FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM!

But films and television are a business,

they are bought and sold and transmitted all over the world.

And in reality, a strong Scots accent can be a bit of a drawback.

So, is it more important to be authentic, or understood?

I'm afraid the board has decided

that the West End just isn't ready for Whoops, My Kilt.

'There are 6 million Scots in the British Isles.'

There are more than 60 million people in the South.

What about Hoots Mon, Here Comes Bonnie Prince Shuggie? Afraid not.

We don't deserve to have your accent inflicted on us.

And what does it tell us about national identity in modern Britain?

It's like saying we can only listen to Kirsty Wark

on...er, Newsnight.

I mean, there is a woman with a voice like

a tonne of gravel being tipped off the back of a lorry!

Meaty, beaty, big and bouncy.

I gave you 100% loyalty.

I carried out every one of your orders without question.

'I think it seems to be'

our mainstream TV who get completely terrified about accent.

See that, over there? That's Glasgow.

'I just did The Wee Man about Glasgow,

'and a producer said, "We need to make sure somebody in Oklahoma can understand this."

'But I thought it was an absolute disgrace.'

I mean, let's make this for Glasgow first,

because if you stay true to the script

and to the film, and you make a good film, somebody in Oklahoma will say,

"Good." If it's crap, someone in Oklahoma won't go,

"Well, I can understand it."

He never grassed me up.

I'm a real guy. You've been doon the toon, drinkin'.

You're oot on your erse! See, there it is again.

You know the only people I know that talk like you, Chief Inspector?

Shitey Scottish actors. I mean, how can you no' just talk like me?

Like a real guy?

Like your da or your uncle or whatever, just a real guy,

just pure like that, blah, blah, blah, just pure

talking like with nae punctuation or nothin', just being like a real guy?

Get...oot!

Oh, enunciating your Ts an' all, aye?

Is that in case there's any English watching?

Now, the argument with Shakespeare is that you're told,

"Oh, you have to make the effort.

"Because this language is rich

"and deep and powerful and poetic,

"and this is the greatest that the English language can aspire to.

"So, if you're not prepared to make the effort with that language,

"what does that say about you?" And yet,

when it's a broad Glaswegian accent, it's like, "Sorry? Sorry?

"No, sorry, I can't understand you."

It's like, OK, where's the effort there?

Up with the kilts. Whit?

You havin' a laugh? You'll never sleep again, officer.

Shut up. Up, I said! THEY SIGH

Recent feature films, such as NEDS and The Angel's Share,

were critical and commercial successes.

Now, they may not have been blockbuster movies,

but they made most of their money in Scotland,

talking about Scottish life, in broad Scottish accents.

What I want you to do is have a little nose of the whisky

and tell me what you think it reminds you of.

My dad's breath when I was wee, that's what it reminds me of.

The Angel's Share had the chutzpah to combine very authentic

Scottish voices...

It's like a Christmas cake I had once at my nana's house.

..with the very tourist-friendly images of tartan and whisky.

MUSIC: River City theme tune

And on the small screen, BBC Scotland now has River City,

which speaks to us about our wee part of the world in our own voices.

Come on, just get oot! Whit? Gimme some space, eh? Fine!

I was just going, anyway!

'It's about our confidence as well.'

This is how I speak, you make the effort, you come to me.

What is it they see in me, anyway?

What kind of guy would want to meet up with me?

It's ours, it's a sense of it being ours,

and the fact that we can spot a phoney.

Where are you fae? I'm from Scoddland.

Scoddland?!

'The most remarkable thing about all of this is the robustness of the Scottish accent,'

despite the fact that we've been told

that the way we speak is not acceptable.

It goes on and on and on. It tholes, it endures and it will last forever.

Cos this is the real Scotland, ye know?

Dinna be ashamed of yourself, lad.

Scotland is a wee country with a big voice,

and for the first time in decades,

our population's actually growing, with new Scots arriving

and setting up home here, embracing and enriching our patter.

I think the future of Caledonian cadence is looking bright.

MUSIC: "One Great Thing" by Big Country

That's pure bampot!

And pure Scottish is pure invented, anyway.

So, for happy ever after, we celebrate that there will

always be a few versions of Scotland echoing around.

Maybe that's no bad thing.

Here we go, gang. Welcome to Dramoonano... Drumnadrochit.

Gesundheit!

That's the banter done wi', James. Best of luck in Act Two, boys.

GET OOT!

As for me and my fellow Scottish actors, well,

we're quite happy to roll our Rs or make a special effort

to articulate when Hollywood comes calling.

And as long as we've got great stories to tell,

the rest of the world will coorie in, listen closely

and enjoy what we have to say, and the way that we say it.

MUSIC: "Throw The R Away" by The Proclaimers

# I've been so sad

# Since you said my accent was bad

# He's worn a frown

# This Caledonian clown

# I'm just gonna have to learn to hesitate

# To make sure my words on your Saxon ears don't grate

# But I wouldn't know a single word to say

# If I flattened all the vowels and I threw the R away

# Flattened all my vowels and I threw the R away

# Flattened all my vowels and I threw the R away. #