Waves of Laughter Funny Business

There's a good feeling about looking after people out to enjoy themselves.

So what else can I do but carry on cruising? Any questions?

This programme contains some strong language.

Carrying on a holiday at sea is not what it used to be.

Sid James and Kenneth Williams

wouldn't recognise these floating cities, population 4,000.

Once the inhabitants have waved goodbye to land,

they need one thing 24-7...

Some kind of activity.

'A ship makes money when it's sailing'

and people are on it and they need entertainers and comics all year.

The fun isn't confined to ports of call.

The vessel itself has become a destination.

Yes, you can still get drunk whilst horizontal,

but you're also encouraged to try the ice rinks, climbing walls,

casinos and cabarets.

The world's your oyster without even going ashore.

And if that strikes you as a voyage of the dammed,

a lot of people love it.

It's a 3 billion industry with entertainment at its heart.

But long before the business was coining it,

cruisers have had an important relationship with THESE jokers.

The comedians are as important as anything we do on board this ship.

Although the love wasn't always reciprocated.

I would never even TELL them I've done a cruise ship.

People were telling me, "Your career's ever."

It's like, oh, you're THAT kind of comic...

# Volare! Vo... # All that rubbish.

..which means the worst kind.

Nowadays, it's changed.

Changed almost beyond recognition.

And fortunes can be made by comedians

who can service this burgeoning audience.

'Cruising is the gig to have.'

Cruising now is like the new Las Vegas.

But as the liners update the entertainment to please a younger,

cooler audience, they still have to satisfy the old,

loyal supporters, who've kept them afloat.

'You've got two worlds there'

and trying to please those two worlds is very, very hard.

And so for the cruising comedian, it's a tricky route to navigate.

It can be a very lonely place and when you lose them, it's very tough.

Get it wrong and financially, they're in very choppy waters.

He's effectively walking a tightrope. No safety net.

'I don't envy him.'

On the banks of the Clyde,

the cruise ship, the Ocean Countess,

is ready to welcome on board 800 passengers,

who were tempted to give up dry land in exchange for an itinerary

including stops in the Hebrides and Faroes, lungfuls of sea air

and if all goes according to plan, gales of laughter.

Joining them is Jimmy O, making his debut as a comedian at sea.

After a six-year apprenticeship in working men's clubs

in the North of England, this could be Jimmy's big break.

Excuse me, sir, but you're a contributor.

Oh, I'm in the wrong place?

-You're in the wrong place, so come this way.

-Lovely.

-Right, this way.

Anybody can get a laugh by standing on the stage swearing

and just being crude. It's like, kind of base.

But it's really scary to shed all that

and just put yourself in front of a new audience.

'You see, I've never been frightened of playing to different audiences.

'To be honestly with you, I can't wait for this gig here.'

-Hi!

-Club suite.

-Are you OK?

-Not as good as you, but I'm all right.

-Can you talk me through all this?

-Of course I can.

I've never been on a boat before.

-Hello.

-How you doing, you all right?

-No ticket.

-No ticket...

-Nice to meet you, mate.

-I'm Jimmy, nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Richard Sykes.

-Nice to meet you.

-Good to see you, Jimmy.

-Splendid.

-Ready to go on board?

-Oh, yeah...

5054.

Leading the way, Jimmy's boss, the cruise director, Richard Sykes.

Here we go.

What a lovely chest. RICHARD LAUGHS

Richard's the man in charge of all the entertainment offered on board.

Thank you very much.

If this cruise goes well, suddenly that puts his earning power,

it more than doubles it, it can treble.

'Goes to the largest ships, and if you get in demand as a comic,

'especially if you're something different,'

then suddenly you're quadrupling it. It really is that essential.

-Will you get paid?

-Yeah.

-I mean, take a look at that. That's all you've got to entertain.

-Lovely, isn't it?

-Easy.

Easy peasy. RICHARD LAUGHS

Here goes nothing, kids.

They could earn in the region of between £1,000 and £2,000 per week.

So, it's a really good living and obviously if you do well,

if you're booked up, it's a very reliable, very nice income indeed.

We're seeing more and more acts who in the past

would perhaps put their nose up at cruising,

who had a pretty full diary working in the corporate world

who are now looking at cruising,

a booming industry, where the corporate markets are dying.

In a year, I would think 40% of my work is on cruise ships.

Which is where the people are.

It's the new Mecca of show business, really.

FOGHORN

This tour is run by Cruise and Maritime Voyages, CMV.

The clientele is a mostly Scottish,

mostly retired golf club kind of a crowd.

Not an obvious match for a Wigan lad

from the harsh northern club circuit.

There's someone else in the crowd Jimmy must impress.

Richard Barstow is the company director.

If he doesn't make them laugh,

then we're not going to be happy with him.

And we will probably not re-book him.

It's not that way, is it?

Back on ourselves.

Most of the regular comics here are traditional, safe,

tried and tested veterans.

This way?

The bosses are hoping that a fresh kind of comedy

-will bring a new audience to their ships.

-How are you doing?

-Hello.

Pleased to meet you.

'For 2013, we're commencing a theme called Laugh On The Ocean Waves,

which will be featured on a good number of our cruises.

That way.

We think there is some room in there to promote individual artists,

or comedy themes as an incentive for people to book,

as a promotional tool, if you like.

-Hello.

-Hiya, how are you doing?

There's a lot riding on this gig,

not just for Jimmy, but for the man who booked him, Lloyd Cross.

It's really showcasing to our audience

the different styles of comedy that there are

to give me an idea of where possibly we should be going

in the future and what is suiting our audience.

So, Jimmy is an experiment.

If he can connect with his on-board audience, he's laughing,

with the prospect of a regular billing

on the company's new comedy line-up.

It's like Spinal Tap backstage.

I would like to move towards doing

a comedy-club-style entertainment on board the ship.

And that's an idea that I have.

We'd be going into new territory with that.

And Jimmy's only competition is himself.

On this trip, he's the sole comic on board,

treated like a regular passenger with a room just like them

and free use of all the on-board facilities.

See you later.

Home.

Last time I was in a room like this, I was locked up for 12 hours a day.

I'm only joking.

Up and down the country,

Jimmy's been killing them on the comedy club circle.

I was going to go to watch that film, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes.

Then, I realised I live on a council estate in Wigan.

LAUGHTER

So if I want to see dirty, sweaty primates

dragging their knuckles across the floor

I just have to look out the window.

LAUGHTER

And it's in 3D.

LAUGHTER

This is the first time I've been on a cruise, you know,

I'm used to playing pubs, clubs, comedy clubs, you know,

this is an entirely brave new world for me.

I have to work clean as well,

which is something, if I'm being honest, I'm not really used to.

I'm used to dealing in rough pubs

and giving the hecklers as good as they'll get, you know.

You're disturbing when I'm working.

I don't disturb you when you're working, do I?

I don't come in the alleyway knocking cocks out of your mouth.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

You know, I've been practising to be clean,

but you can take the boy out of Wigan, but you can't take Wigan out of the boy...

It's a brave departure for Lloyd Cross to book a first-time sailor

whose usual audience likes things salty.

Normally, his entertainers are a far safer proposition.

SHIP HORN HONKS

At a rugby club in South Wales,

Lloyd is joining fellow cruise bookers

to assess a showcase of performers

who've tailored their act to the demands of the cruise scene.

The pick of tonight's artistes

will be booked on next year's lucrative sailing circuit.

The clients that are coming today

come from four, five-star cruise companies.

And I invite a hand-picked audience of the same age group

as the clients' ship people.

So the comics can do exactly what they do,

thereby, the clients can see the sort of material they use

and how it goes down in the room.

It's a big business, but a small world.

Cruise Director Richard Sykes is Andy's partner in this agency.

To open tonight's show, guys,

the wonderful Mr Thomas Anthony.

APPLAUSE

You will know within the first couple of minutes

whether somebody's going to be right.

It doesn't take very long to either switch on or switch off from an act.

'I do comedy and magic mixed together,

'making it into a visual kind of show.

'So if you have an international audience, it'll play to anybody.'

Now, there's no way I can get in front of the bookers on my own.

It's people that run these showcases

that basically put you in front of them.

This can literally fill their diary

and make it a very lucrative business for them.

Where they may have had one or two bookings in,

they now have eight months.

The one and only Mr Bruce Thompson!

Are you in the mood for a singsong?

Audience: Yes!

OK, off you go!

LAUGHTER

MAN HUMS

Oh, there's always one.

Comedy is very important within the cruisers.

People love to laugh on holiday.

I've done cruises before where I've not had a comic.

I've had passengers complain cos they haven't seen a comic.

I'd also like to dedicate this song to my late father, who...

He was a man of few words, my father.

I remember one day, he said to me, "Son..."

LAUGHTER

Young comics don't really work because of the older clientele.

They like to see people who are in their age range.

So I try and get the older comics, if I can.

Because they've been around the block as well.

They know what works and what doesn't.

# And if you say the word, I could stay with you... #

It's getting as old

as most of the passengers.

That's the secret.

If I, comedy-wise, if I think this would offend me,

then it would probably offend them, and I wouldn't do it.

I want somebody to get up here, put all the gear on and do a song.

I need somebody young.

LAUGHTER

Start from here and then you get a good one. There you go.

LAUGHTER

Do you realise how good I am now?

LAUGHTER

Wouldn't it be funny if you got a cruise and I didn't?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The bookers are always on the lookout for new talent.

So long as they, like the veterans, know how not to rock the boat.

I do like to try new comedians

because, when you've got people coming back

for several cruises within a year,

I have to be very careful of not repeating the same comic,

because then, passengers are going to complain,

"I've seen this guy before."

The last Saturday in March, I made love to my wife.

For one hour and three minutes nonstop.

It was the night to put the clocks forward.

LAUGHTER

'Today, you'll have a situation

'where a lot of the big cruise ships are trying to encourage

'more package-type people to come on board.

'And then, you have the traditional cruise people,

'who are more used to a more refined way of cruising.'

So you've got two worlds there.

And trying to please those two worlds is very, very hard.

It becomes a big headache for a booker on a cruise company

to decide how far they want to go without alienating your base.

And this is where people like us come in

to try and find people to bridge that gap.

A golden rule of cruising is - cause no offence.

Transgressors will end up in this office.

-Grab a seat.

-Thank you very much.

Well, I just always have a little meeting

-with any guest act when they come on.

-Yeah, yeah.

I just lay out a few rules and make sure everything is abided to.

OK, Jimmy.

So the material that you use,

-it can't be offensive in any way.

-No.

-It doesn't mean swearing.

-I know, I know...

-You need to be very careful.

It's always scary for a comedian who's used to work in blue

to work in clean, because clean is traditionally a harder medium.

I mean, there are grades of blue.

Um... To be honest, I'm not happy with any shades of blue.

So you've got to be ultra, ultra careful.

I have learnt, you know,

I'm taking the next step up of the comedian to work clean.

-Also, please don't abuse the passengers.

-No, I don't do that.

My act, I don't know if you've seen it, it's very low-energy,

-It's laid-back.

-OK.

-It's deadpan.

So it's 45 minutes. Bang on, please.

-No problem.

-Thanks for that.

-Thank you very much.

-My pleasure.

-Thank you.

-Welcome to the ship. Enjoy.

Thank you very much. See you later.

I'm a little worried. I've got to be honest.

A club background doesn't always strike well on this kind of ship.

So while there is lucrative new work at sea

for comedians like Jimmy,

they must tread carefully.

I always use the illustration of a true story

that happened several years ago on a ship

with a comic who told the joke,

"Why did the Mexican pushed his wife off the cliff?"

And the punch line is, "Tequila."

And it was just unfortunate that, in that particular cruise,

there was a group of 50 Mexicans on board, who were offended by it

and were very vocal about it.

And it created a mini disaster on board.

If you say something on board a ship

that a section of the audience don't like,

they're going to walk out.

And you're in trouble.

Because then, you're in trouble with the cruise director,

who has the job of balancing

the passengers on one side and the act, you know.

And it'll always come down on the side of the passengers.

-Give me an idea of what you're going to be doing.

-I just...

Barbara Brown is Jimmy's agent,

here to support Jimmy on his first venture at sea.

I just had a thought now, basically...

Could I get away with wearing a life jacket,

coming out with a life jacket around my neck?

-That'll be brilliant.

-Do you think they'll let me do that?

-Yes.

-I just think...

-What would you say?

I'd just say, "I'm taking no chances."

SHE LAUGHS

-Yes!

-Do you think I should do something like that?

-Definitely.

-And then, if I can get them laughing before...

There'll be a lot of people there relating to that.

-If I can get them laughing there.

-Yeah, get them laughing as soon as you walk out.

Then, I could say, "There's a whistle on...

"There's a whistle on this.

"Who's going to come and rescue you, Lassie?"

Excellent!

I would always stir comedians away from doing any material

that's sexist, that's racist, that's religious.

And that really doesn't need much more for a comedian to do.

So a comic really has to be creative.

When you're working with an audience with a mixed age range, you know,

different people from all over... parts of the world,

I think it can be quite unnerving sometimes,

because, obviously, you can't please everybody.

But you have to try.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Matt Edwards!

I'm not finished.

Stay there...

'The kind of act that I do is very visual, anyway.

'I pull a lot of stupid faces and it's very, it's almost slapstick,

'it is a very universal thing.'

So it doesn't matter if they can't speak English

or if you're American, if you have a different sense of humour,

'it doesn't matter who you are, it's universal, it works for everybody.

'I like to do a bit of magic, a bit of ventriloquism

'and I like to mess around with all of it.'

Tequila!

'It just keeps the audience guessing.'

At the age of 30, Matt Edwards is a cruising veteran.

80% of his workload involves wowing audiences in the Med and Caribbean.

His booking sheet is always full,

as is his bank account.

In this little bag here, I've got two hours.

This is 2:45 minutes in this bag.

This is Oik, he's been all over the world with me.

He's a massive part of my show.

'I love you.'

Oh, thank you, I love you too.

'Not you, her!'

LAUGHTER

This is another part of my ventriloquist routine.

It's a mask that you place on somebody and you vent that person.

Danny, are you...having, are you having a very good night tonight?

'Yes, I am, thank you. Ha-ha-ha-ha!'

My act kind of works almost like a tree.

I will kind of go down this branch and, if they laugh at this thing,

I know to do this, and if they don't, then, I'll try something else.

So it's very made up just for them on that night.

'When I first thought about cruising,

'I thought that it would be a stepping stone.

'Until I got onto the cruise ships'

and then, I realised that it's not a stepping stone at all,

it's where I want to be.

Morning!

They're making a documentary about Weight Watchers.

I'm their biggest star, you see.

'It's quite overwhelming.'

Even you can be walking for a cup of tea or a sausage roll,

you're on stage, you know.

Hello, Lloyd, how's your dog?

You know, you have to be really friendly to everyone

and sometimes that can be, if you're not in the mood, I suppose,

it can be precarious, you know.

You work in the theatre, you arrive, you get ready, you do the show.

But you finish your show and you go home.

But on a cruise ship, it's quite the reverse.

Your audience is with you for the whole of the two weeks of the run.

A cruise entertainer works 25, 20% of his act on stage

and the rest of it on deck.

Or between decks, talking to people, listening to people.

You're an entertainer all the time,

it's something like being a redcoat.

How are you this morning, Dougie?

Oh...

Is your kilt in the wash today? Are you not wearing the kilt?

-You only wear it on special occasions?

-I'll wear it tonight maybe.

I'm spoiled for choice, we don't have such delicacies in Wigan.

It's like visiting paradise, you know.

You'll have to watch your waistline.

I'll give up on that one, you know.

The secret of comedy on board a cruise ship

is mixing and mingling with people.

And getting to know all the ins and outs of their journey.

I go on trips with them,

I go ashore and we get on a bus and we go up a mountain somewhere.

It's important that you know from the off

exactly what kind of humour would suit these people.

And the only way you can learn that is to go on and do it.

-The Isle of Skye?

-Yes.

It this where cable television comes from?

This is where we're going to have a great day out.

You tell me what to do...

Don't tell me that.

SHE LAUGHS

Escorting passengers on short visits

offers a comic the chance to win them over

long before he steps on stage.

Get these personal touches right here

and they'll be on his side.

But if he makes enemies on dry land,

his audience could leave him adrift during his act.

-If we just muster here...

-Let's muster here, everybody.

Just till we get the coaches labelled.

There's dozens round this area, you know.

Now, you just make sure everybody's off safely. Come on!

-Right, everybody.

-Come on down!

-Come on!

It really is crucial that you're a good people person,

you enjoy meeting people

and that your performance on stage continues off stage as well.

-You're all right, love?

-Just take your time.

I suppose I should hold yours.

Any time you want, love, any time.

'If you can actually put a name to a face with some of the guests

'before you actually go on and do your show,

you're not doing it to a cold room.

You feel these people there that you know.

You might have gone on a land tour with them or something like that.

It's so important to actually start to get to know the guests

right from the start.

Stepping off into magical ports of call

has always been one of cruising's big attractions.

It's a well-established tradition -

off the ship, soak up the exotic sights

and then, safely back to the familiar.

In time for tea.

On a completely different scale is the Carnival Group,

the biggest cruise company on the seven seas,

entertaining almost 4.5 million passengers a year.

Carnival cruise lines main advertising focus is the word "fun".

And fun comes in many, many different forms.

But right at the top of the list to me is laughter.

Laughter is an international language.

The Breeze is their brand new flagship,

just commissioned at a cost of 740 million.

She's taking a mixed crowd of around 4,000 Americans and Europeans

on a 12-day Mediterranean round-trip from Barcelona.

John Heald is the Chief Cruise Director

for the entire fleet of 24 enormous vessels.

Each of those ships will have

between three and eight different comedy shows during that cruise.

So, right now, on land or at sea,

we hire more comedians than anyone.

I have a budget of around 10,000 per cruise

for the comedians, who we fly in.

This is a family-friendly show,

you're not going to hear anything here

that we think will offend anybody,

even the Baptists at the back there, they'll be fine.

Tom Pepper began honing his comedy act

and topping up his tan at sea more than 40 years ago.

..a round of applause, the one and only Mr Tom Pepper.

For the last three decades,

he's played the international corporate circuit.

But, as that work has dried up, he's found himself back at sea

and loving it.

Great to be back in The Punchliners.

I've been before, but it's great to be back, you know.

'I've done 18 cruises this year.'

Next year, they're looking at 32 cruises for me.

I'm looking forward to it.

I mean, when I leave a ship, I get withdrawal symptoms.

HE LAUGHS

We've got a place in Liverpool called Toxteth

that it's known as the roughest they come, you know,

and the police, it was said on the radio,

the police have raided a house in Toxteth behind the library,

only to find 17 Lithuanian prostitutes living there.

They've seized two kilos of crack cocaine

and a large amount of undisclosed cash.

A spokesman for the area said, "We're all in shock."

He said, "We didn't know we had a library."

The business of cruise has changed in a big way. It's not so stuffy now.

You've got families coming on with their prams and their babies.

Everything's down to earth. You can put your black tie on and go into a top restaurant

or you can just leave your shorts on and go to deck ten, the lido,

and that's all buffet. It's so relaxed these days.

And did you know today was Ladies' Day?

Did you know that? Come on, lads. Give it up for them. Ladies' Day.

Look at that. Should have been yesterday but they weren't ready.

Part of the meat and potatoes of our products

has always been comedy. What we've done now is branded it.

And like all good brands, little is left to chance.

Each comedy venue is as finely constructed

and market tested as the acts themselves.

You can change ships,

but every Punchliner club you visit will look like the last one.

We went on land and we looked at comedy clubs in the UK and in the US

and we found the best ones weren't these huge, lavish rooms

with incredible architecture.

It was chairs close together.

It was a stage where, literally, you could reach out

and touch the comedian.

They say there's a recession.

These ships are full and building more.

And every one they build gets full.

So it seems to me it's going to be the way to go.

It's the morning of the big gig

and Jimmy is still refining his material for his new audience.

-Good morning, sir. You all right?

-You ready for it?

-I'm raring to go.

I want to ask you something as a mark of respect.

I have a gag, basically, wherever I go and it's food.

"Can you get yourself down to blah blah restaurant tomorrow?

"There's a special event happening. The chef's washing his hands."

It's just an innocuous gag but I wondered

-if you disapprove of me using that line?

-It's a bit derogatory.

-Do you not dig it, no?

-If you have a look at rewording it maybe but...

-I would not use it.

-Sometimes you can sanitise it

-and it's not a joke any more.

-Sanitise is the word!

-Hey, he's better than me, isn't he?

-We've got to be careful.

Yeah, no problem. I just thought I'd ask you anyway.

When a guest artist comes on, my goal isn't to teach them

how to do their job. That absolutely is not what I'm doing.

My goal is just to make sure that they follow absolute guidelines.

-So, shall we do this?

-Absolutely.

-Sound check time.

-Where can I go to without it feeding back?

-Feedback's fine.

-There's no feedback so I can just walk all around and stuff?

-Yep.

It's pretty straightforward. I'm not doing songs or anything so...

-Welcome on stage, Jimmy...

-Jimmy O.

-Can I just come out like that?

-That's fine.

-A bit like confused.

The build up for me is looking confused. Like, what am I doing here?

-OK.

-That kind of thing, you know?

-Right.

-Honestly, it's funnier when I do it.

HE LAUGHS

You'll be laughing tonight. When I do it tonight,

your glasses will be falling off your head, it's that funny. But no, it's not funny.

It's cos I've not got my cap on, you see. That's the secret to comedy.

On the cruise ships, they feel that the entertainment is

part of what they paid for.

So they don't treat you with the same kind of respect.

So people will often get up in the middle of your act and walk off.

I've seen entertainers who have actually challenged

certain audience members and gone, "Excuse me, love.

"Where are you going?" And they'll go, "Well, we're not enjoying

"the show, dear. It's not funny." And they'll leave.

Often they've had a long day, been out in the sun,

been on an excursion, they've eaten, they sit down there,

they've got the front seats and then they nod off.

So sometimes you can walk on and see most of the front row half asleep.

So it's very disconcerting.

I came off going, "Oh, God, that was bad."

And the cruise director went, "No, that was really good for here."

That's it right there, baby. Coming on. You're coming on.

You're coming on.

That's it. Come on, yeah. We're going to work, baby.

We're going to work, baby. Everybody get up...

On board the Breeze, their second comedian, Percy Crews,

is finalising arrangements for his evening show.

There might be some older people in here and they don't like loud music.

But, oh, well, they're going to have go with it. Do you know what I'm saying?

So we're going to play it a little loud cos I like people to talk loud, get their energy up...

-Bam. And then we go to work.

-Nice.

-I'm bringing them energy and I want them to have some energy

-when I get up there. Give me a hard cut. Don't fade it out.

-Hard cut?

-Man, we're going to work, baby. We're good.

-OK. Consider it done, man.

I appreciate it. You're the man, bro. I'm just the man standing next to the man. That's all.

We have to do five shows out here.

All of my sets are different because the people come back

to see the comedians and you can't do the same things.

'If you're a singer, you can sing the same set every night.

'But comedy, they don't want to hear the same jokes. They've heard them.'

Percy Crews II!

Back home in the States, Percy has opened for Chris Rock

and Jamie Foxx. But he chooses to be a star of the sea,

spending his year jetting from one liner to the next.

# We've got shows for you. #

What's up? How are you all doing? Are you all right? Are you all all right?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

What's up with the men and their pants, huh?

Seems like the younger they are, the lower your pants get. Pull your pants up.

I'm really tired of seeing your stinky drawers.

Pull your pants up, man.

I've seen a 16-year-old reach in his back pocket, right behind his knee.

You know what I'm saying?

'I'm on cruise ships 98% of the time

because I might do one club a year, you know what I mean?

The clubs just don't pay what the ships pay. I've got a family to feed.

This is what I do. This is how I put food on the table

and pay all of my bills. I'm living pretty good, man.

I'm doing pretty well, especially during a down economy.

I'm middle class.

Kids are so soft nowadays, they've got to wear helmets

and elbowpads and kneepads just to ride a damn bike.

We would ride butt naked.

'I'm back and forth all the time.'

It's difficult. It's difficult and that's one of the down parts

'about this job as a comedian is that I'm away from my family

'and miss playing basketball with my son, my daughter.

'She's a basketball player also. Spending time with my wife.

'But this is what I do.'

I've worked in ships a lot, man. I've been up on lido deck a lot.

I've seen a lot of stuff up on lido deck. You know what I'm saying?

All I'm saying is dress your damn body size. That's all I'm saying.

I've been out here doing Carnival for 15 years so I have a lot of friends

'that's out here. We go eating together,

'we're getting off the ship, going to be port,

stuff like that, man. Hanging out. We're having a ball.

I really kind of hate to say that on camera cos my wife will see this, she'll be like...

Cos I tell her, "Baby, it ain't the same. I'm working."

But I'm really having a lot of fun.

On board the Ocean Countess, Jimmy is moments from finally

stepping onstage for his first show at eight o'clock,

with his second set two hours later.

I mean, I'm not going out there tonight to have a bad gig.

I've rehearsed more than probably any other gig I've done.

So I'm going out to conquer,

if that doesn't sound corny.

But it is live performance.

You can't really forecast what's going to happen, you know.

-You all right?

-I'm fine.

-He's my hero.

-He's going to do great, isn't he?

-Showbiz.

-You've got a massive audience out there.

-Have I?

-Mmm.

You've got lots of supporters as well who've all been saying,

-"Tell Jimmy good luck."

-Really?

-Yeah. They've all been saying that.

-That's nice.

-Really nice.

I just want to get on with it.

I've been chomping at the bit all day, you know?

Once you've done this one, you'll be full of confidence for the next one.

The Ocean Countess and his officers and department heads...

And Jimmy's been given a prestigious night for his debut...

none other than the captain's formal reception.

Good evening, everybody.

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening.

How was your day today? Did you enjoy it?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-Very good.

Traditionally, cruises will honour their guests with an official formal night.

In smart tuxedos and long frocks, they're brought together

for cocktails with the captain and his senior officers.

It's a throwback to the early days of cruising.

But it's still embraced by many lines and their passengers.

Enjoy your cruise.

Formal night is a very strange night for a comedian.

Personally, I dread it.

People are dressed in dinner suits. People who never wear a dinner suit.

And they're all trussed up and they're sitting there...

As soon as that bow tie goes on, everybody becomes somebody else.

Everybody thinks they're almost James Bond.

Because on a cruise ship, you don't know anybody.

You're there with your wife. She's in a beautiful ball gown. You're in your tuxedo.

All of a sudden, you're somebody. And so you become a bit more reserved.

OK, Jimmy. We've got five minutes. I'm going to do the first bit

which is my song. So straight after that, it's straight onto you.

-Thank you, Richard.

-Pleasure.

-Have a good song.

-Yeah, I will. Don't worry.

-I'll do my best for you.

-OK.

'With an audience, you have to engage them.

'This is the whole art of show business.

'Walking out, making a rapport'

The first two or three minutes in any performance you do

are the most important two or three minutes of your act.

# On a Saturday night... #

You have to go out, make contact and make the audience feel relaxed

with your personality so that they'll enjoy

what you're going to do.

Welcome to the show. Cheers.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to a very special evening on board the Ocean Countess.

It's now time to welcome out the comedy, the man,

the myth, the legend of mirth, Mr Jimmy O!

APPLAUSE

# Raindrops keep falling on my head

# Just like the guy whose feet

# Are too big for his bed

# Nothing seems to fit

# Those raindrops are falling

# On my head

# They keep falling. #

Thanks.

I'm the warm-up act.

That was my best joke.

I've brought my ball.

I hope you don't mind.

I take it everywhere.

Means the world to me.

That was my second best joke.

AUDIENCE TITTERS

I'm not taking any chances.

I don't want to drown in waves of laughter.

I made that up.

I think I'll be all right though.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is my first cruise.

Got quite upset yesterday.

I was on top deck crying.

The captain came up to me.

He said, "What's the matter with you?"

I said, "I feel a bit sad.

"And I'm homesick."

He said, "Don't worry.

"We're all in the same boat."

I don't get that one.

I was staring out to see and I saw an arm come out of the water.

And I thought, what a lovely wave.

Don't worry. I won't go overboard.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm quite depressed at the minute.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awwwww.

I'm that depressed...

even my blood group's negative.

In order to grab that audience, you cannot have that sort of delivery

where it's, basically, a passive delivery.

You either come out singing or you come out shouting

or you come out with a woofer.

This used to be my work jacket.

Now it's my signing-on coat.

I've got to protect the product so I can't let him go on for the second show.

It could be too damaging for Cruise Maritime Voyages.

The house is boarded up.

The window cleaner's got a sander.

I've got the show team on standby. I'm going to do

a Tannoy announcement and just say that due to technical problem

or something like that Jimmy will not be able to perform.

We live in a semi.

It's semi-condemned.

'Horrific. I can't let him go on again with an act like that.'

I was walking down the street today.

Saw a sign on the lamppost.

It said, "Have you seen this missing cat?"

So I rang the number.

I said, "No, I haven't."

LAUGHTER

This woman on the other end of the phone

started screaming and shouting at me.

I said, "If you speak to everyone like that, love,

"it's no wonder your cat buggered off."

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jimmy O.

Thank you very much and enjoy your evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Jimmy O.

Come on, folks. A very great man. It's Jimmy O!

APPLAUSE

'You can never say that he was funny tonight.'

He also didn't fulfil the contract. He's done for 45 minutes.

He barely did 25.

So, really, genuinely, it's half a show on a very important night.

It's formal night. We've just had the captain's reception

and this is a huge letdown.

He did 25 minutes. For a comic...

I can't believe he just did 25.

Behind the locked dressing room door, Jimmy's getting the news

that his ten o'clock performance will not be required.

He said, I don't want you on again.

Everyone's been coming out and saying, "That was brilliant. Well done."

So I don't think it's a problem with the audience.

For some reason, the character, the gags didn't connect that much.

Some did and then it was kind of like, "Yeah, no. Yeah, no."

And they weren't sure. I tried my best. I kept going.

I kept at them and...

That's it. He wasn't happy so...

-Richard's here. Hello, Richard. Sorry.

-Richard...

-Sorry again.

-It didn't cut the mustard.

-If it just didn't work, it didn't work.

I didn't see... I saw four people leave that room.

20 walked past me and I've had comments which I'm not going

-to share in front of Jimmy.

-It's fine. I can take it on the chin.

-You may as well, while you're on camera.

-Go on. No, I'm not going to do it. Not on camera.

But I have to... I'm sorry.

-That's showbiz, Richard.

-Unfortunately so.

No hard feelings, anyway. I'm sorry...

-I'm sorry it didn't cut the mustard for you.

-You didn't cut it on here.

-Doesn't mean everywhere else you can't.

-I know.

-It's a very different crowd. Don't worry.

You'll to have to let the ten o'clock passengers know he's not on.

-I know. I've already done it over the Tannoy.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Anyway...

-Sorry about that, Richard.

-You're not knocking me off at the next port, are you?

-No, no.

Throw a dinghy at the side of the thing or else I'll swim back.

-No, we'd never kick you off.

-Thank you very much.

-You're still welcome.

-I still think your suit looks nice, by the way.

-Thank you.

My opinion's not changed. I'm a professional. These things happen.

I was interested in getting involved in the cruise world. But perhaps

the cruise world was not interested in getting involved with me, you know?

-Hello. How are you?

-Well done. Well done.

-Well done.

-That was good.

-Did you like that?

-Yes!

-We liked it.

Can I tell you something? Richard the cruise director wasn't a happy bunny.

-Everybody was chuckling away.

-I was due to have another slot at 10.15

but I'm not now so... Do you fancy a game of football?

SHE LAUGHS

-Come on. We'll go and lose a couple of quid.

-Are you going in goals, Jean?

Come on. Who needs comedy? I'm going to be a football star. Come on.

You an throw my scarf down for a goal.

JIMMY SINGS

At ten o'clock, Jimmy's place on stage is taken by

the tried-and-tested show team.

Sometimes it just don't work.

Some people you're going to get. Some people you're not.

Bill Cosby, great comedian.

You know what I mean? A legend in this business.

He said, "I don't know the key to success.

"But the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

It just ain't going to happen.

Pleasing everybody is easier if you don't try to please them all

with the same thing.

With 4,000 passengers, you can afford to offer

many competing entertainment choices simultaneously.

And on-board the Breeze, this strategy means offering

urban late-night comedy

to those adults with a taste for spicier fair.

Sit down. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

I want to go through some of the things you'll be doing tonight.

You have two shows and then the later shows we take the leash.

You're uncensored. You can say anything you want.

Work the room and if you feel you want to go all out, you go all out.

We make it very clear verbally before the show

that if you're offended by anything, then please, respectfully,

we would ask you to leave. It covers you, it covers me,

-but most importantly, it covers the guest.

-OK. Cheers, John.

Thanks, guys.

You must be 18 years of age and, or, not easily offended.

If you're offended by anything, this probably won't be your cup of tea.

you can go to the casino or you can go play shuffleboard or some shit.

All right.

It's not the same as cruising on a British cruise line

with lots of other British guests.

It's an American product and they love the brashness of what we do.

After two or three days, the Brits start to watch the Americans

and they change. The British people change.

They laugh out loud. They kick off their shoes.

They go to the comedy club and they hear something that may be

a little bit cross the line and they watch the Americans

and they think, "It's OK to laugh. Let's laugh with them."

The postman's got the one letter for this cottage out on its own.

And he's posted it into the letterbox.

And as he turned around, this Rottweiler just jumped up... Doof.

And pinned him to the door.

And the little side window opened and the little lady said,

"Kick his balls. Kick the balls. He loves it."

And the postman went, "Fuck off."

And the dog went...

HE GROANS

And the lady said, "Oh, dear. You're in trouble now."

She said, "I meant the balls on the lawn."

'Doing blue material at sea is a new concept to me.'

And on this particular ship, it's going down an absolute storm.

'I'll feel my way in.'

I'll do a few easy ones.

Then I'll try one a bit stronger and if they roar laughing, you think,

yeah, keep at that level. Then another couple of minutes of that

and throw a stronger one again in.

He's digging a hole in the garden

and the neighbour put her head over and she's dead posh.

She said, "George, what are you doing?"

He said, "I'm digging this hole to bury my budgie."

"Oh", she said, "It's a very large hole."

He said, "It's still in your fucking cat."

I've talked to some comedians who work on land only.

They go, "I can't do cruise ships because they're too confined."

And I tell them, "Well, when you're doing a family show,

"it's like doing TV. But as for the adult shows,

"you can do whatever you do in the clubs."

Ladies, you wear wigs. Wigs. You dye your hair. Put all the make-up on.

Fake fingernails. Fake eye contact lenses.

Fellas, you don't know what the hell you're getting nowadays. You don't.

You get your woman back. She starts taking hair off.

Take her titties off, put them on the chest of drawers.

You don't know whether to do her or do the damn chest of drawers.

Something this blue is a million nautical miles

from cruising's traditional image.

If it ever was a preserve of the newlywed and nearly dead,

it's not any more.

Now it's a holiday being enthusiastically sold to anyone

attracted by an all-inclusive value-for-money proposition.

Last year, more than 1.7 million British people took a cruise

and the economy benefited to the tune of £2.4 billion.

Cruising makes more money than the entire British

bed-and-breakfast industry.

And the bad news for B&Bs is, cruising wants to get even bigger.

In a smart business hotel in Birmingham,

350 delegates are gathering.

Today, 40% of passengers are new to cruise

and the majority will then cruise again.

These cruise lines and travel agents need to be bang up-to-date

if they're to keep luring holiday-makers offshore

-and keep them satisfied year after year.

-Good morning, everyone.

Welcome to Birmingham and to the full-day of networking

and conference sessions focusing on the key issues

facing the cruise sector.

Worldwide last year, cruise ships carried over 20 million passengers

for the first time. That's big business.

Challenging the past, land-based package tour groups have found their sea legs.

People like Thompsons, First Choice and Airtours have changed the face of cruising

with a new mass-market approach, leaving conventions behind.

People are changing. I think we need to reflect that

and think about that as we develop our products

because it's not just the same traditional cruise.

It really is people who are looking for something different.

And as the holidays change and the passengers change,

the leisure package has had to change too.

The entertainment now on cruise ships is incredibly slick.

It used to be, 20 years ago,

you'd get a sort of end-of-the-pier type show.

"You think my wife's fat, you should see my mother-in-law."

There was that sort of style of humour.

But now as the standards have changed on television,

so people want something a bit more slick

and a bit more alternative, perhaps, but not that alternative.

Comedy is very important to what we do.

There's much more knowledge of comedy

and desire to experience comedy in these years

than there was 20 or 30 years ago.

We tried removing it a few years ago because we thought that

the audiences were maybe tiring of comedy as part of the cruise.

The actual feedback was so strong we immediately put comedians

back on and they've stayed with us ever since.

Cruise is changing, the consumer is changing, people are looking

for a different kind of holiday then maybe they were 20 or 30 years ago.

All right!

Scared yet? This really is a cruise.

Over the past five years, American superliners have embraced

a radically different audience, who go to sea to see rock fan cruises.

Music promoters charter an entire ship,

then artists like Kiss or Weezer are booked with like-minded

support acts to entertain discerning fans over a week of cruising.

Not only can you overdose on music, you're living right next

to your heroes, offering the chance to bump into them in the night.

Rock 'n' roll cruisers have suddenly taken off.

They are huge, there are massive.

Lynyrd Skynyrd, Motley Crue, Kid Rock, the moment these things

go on sale, two or three days later they are gone.

The reason they're so popular is afterwards you are interacting

with them, eating dinner in the same restaurant.

Autograph sessions, a chance to actually meet these people.

They are very popular.

We are in Newcastle, and somebody is on a mission.

Keren McKean helps organise the T in the Park music festival, and managed Snow Patrol.

Last year, she was a curious guest on one of these fan cruisers.

I went on one of the ones in America, and honestly, they are crazy.

You cannot get your head round it. It is like a playground for adults.

2,500, 3,000 people who are all like-minded,

all loving the same music.

It is just chaos, it is brilliant.

Keren will be taking the idea up a notch,

promoting her own festival of music and comedy from the decks

of a cruise ship in the Mediterranean for Brits.

The ship is still a ship, if you just take the 80-year-olds off

and put on a load of 30-year-olds, it changes everything.

The offshore festival is all about recreating the festival

you would normally have at land at sea.

18 bands, 15 comedians, 15 DJs, all in one week.

It is the holiday of a lifetime.

Keren is looking for comedians that will fit the rock 'n' roll mix.

She has come down from Glasgow to check out a new comedian,

Jeff Leach.

He is a bit rock 'n' roll, that's what we like about him, he has

a different attitude, and we want him to do a couple of shows on the ship.

Keren is targeting a client base that is more Madonna than Madhvani.

Maybe I could go up and down your pole.

Christopher, you're very beautiful. Is this your boyfriend?

Tell me more.

He is enjoying this, I can feel it.

You smell like terror and broken dreams.

That just happened.

It is easier when you speak to people face to face,

cos when you tell them you want to put them on a cruise ship,

-they all just go, really?

-Look at him, strange, isn't he?

The bottom half of a fat Mick Jagger,

top half of a skinny Danny Dyer.

I don't like it.

Overall look of a Gothic Tintin.

Just last week I said to my cook... You know I'm joking, ladies.

I don't talk to the hired help.

That would be dirty.

I'm glad you enjoyed the set.

It is a bit risky, like, "are you going to do that? Yes, you are. Carry on."

I think that'll fit well with everything we have on the ship.

If you're pushing the boundary in terms of what people

expect of a festival, and a cruise,

you might as well push with the expectations of comedy as well.

A comedy festival at sea makes a lot of sense, but they do cost

a lot more than sitting in a tent in a field for a few days.

I think there are people in their 40s who were maybe doing

that in their 20s and say, "Let's go on a cruise. We will be in

"comfort, we can hear some bands and have a laugh at the same time."

What is not to like about that?

I don't see any reason why the UK market would not be

just as receptive to these types of ideas going forward as the US

and other markets have been.

I could see people gravitating to interesting and compelling themes.

Next morning, bloodied but unbowed, Jimmy O faces his public over

scrambled eggs and hand-engraved hard fruits.

The comedian was dire.

Absolutely dire.

Had he been in Glasgow and stood up the way he was,

he would have been booed off the stage.

Yesterday morning I got my sausages with him,

and I thought he was very funny when he was chatting to me,

but last night I didn't think that came across.

It is a deadpan style full of irony,

and every word counts because it leads up to the punchline.

Unless you appreciate that, then you will miss it, really.

You will miss the point he is making.

It was just brilliant all the way through.

We should have had a chance to see him

and to make up our own mind.

-We might have liked him.

-I've been on 15 cruises, so I've seen

a lot of comedians, and he does not come in anywhere near the middle.

-Near the bottom, surely.

-This is my new job, actually.

-I'm getting a job in the kitchens. How much do you want?

-Not so much.

He just needs a wee bit of pace, and a wee bit of sharpening up.

We've had quite a bit of constructive criticism,

and the best thing to do with that is to take it and use it.

A lot of people are saying they like you more as yourself,

so I really think it is worth trying that.

You said yourself that quite a lot of people said that to over

the years.

I'm not asking you to change your act, just try it as an experiment.

At the end of every cruise,

you collect something called a customer service questionnaire.

Looking at the first one, for instance, they have marked

the production shows as very good, but the guest act as terrible.

The thing they liked the least was the comedian.

The production shows, excellent, guest act, poor. OK.

This one has ticked excellent for Jimmy.

They have ticked excellent for everything, so unfortunately it

looks like they have just had a good time and done that all the way down.

Very nice, but it doesn't mean anything, really.

It was made very clear to Jimmy that he's really got to hit

-the ground running, and he hit the ground.

-I can't make fun of myself now.

There was not an affinity with him as a performer.

I certainly have seen there is an affinity with him as an individual.

But, for whatever reason, that did not translate in his performance,

and possibly therefore it is his delivery.

But then that is what we booked.

It is a business, it is showbusiness.

My character, my act perhaps does not fit this world at the moment.

Jimmy, I think it fits this world, it didn't fit this audience.

-On that specific occasion.

-Absolutely.

We might well try again in a different setting.

I wouldn't actually change anything, I would rather change the audience.

As a person, I'm quite private. I can be aloof sometimes, you know?

Locked in my own world.

I have enjoyed coming out of myself.

It has been quite therapeutic in a way, being nice to people.

That has been a really good experience, I did not realise how nice I could be.

I'm walking away from this with my head held high.

Everybody, no matter what level you attain in the entertainment world,

you're going to have bad nights.

I did all I could, it just wasn't my night.

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