Episode 2 Late 'n' Live Guide to Comedy

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE

The Edinburgh Fringe,

the most celebrated Arts Festival in the world, where every August

arty types flock to the city to enjoy high culture in exquisite surroundings.

Yeah, and then there's the ones that come and see Late 'n' Live.

Last week's show reminded us why

the Scottish audience are notorious for being the hardest in the world.

No, I will not go. No, I won't.

Late 'n' Live has a reputation for being a very tough gig.

Like the very best, best, best will die on their arse there.

Those sort of audiences are like horses,

they can smell fear and within the first 30 seconds, if they've

kind of gone... "No, we can have this," they'll buck you off.

They'll what? Anyway, tonight, totally different.

Tonight we examine the comedy wisdom of ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle.

Yeah, right.

In tonight's show, we ask...

"Why do it? When you're having such a good festival, the life is good.

-Exactly!

-Oh, you brutal fuckers.

It's the performing equivalent of self-harm.

First you're going up and you're going,

"Oh I'm going to do a nice gig...ARRRGGGHHHH!"

That's what it's like.

So, if it's honestly as tough as that,

what makes an act say to themselves "Oh, I really want to gig there."

If you can get a roomful of really drunk, evil people to face

the right way and listen to you and laugh at you and give you

like a huge reception afterwards, then you'll never... You've conquered.

You've conquered comedy, basically, right there.

Yeah, but if you can't, they'll eat you alive.

Oh, comedy fairy, if only you could bring me some previously unreleased

footage of top comedy talent facing that crowd, for the very first time.

And I want to pound you all like yesterday's beef.

Oh, no quite the comedy fairy I was expecting.

Nevertheless, tonight, alongside the performers themselves,

let's watch some previously unreleased footage

of the very first time they braved the stage at Late 'n' Live.

Hello. Would you like to sit down before you fall over?

I remember just absolute terror that I was going to go on at Late 'n' Live.

I'm almost teary thinking about it.

I actually threw up before I went on, I was that scared.

Before you go on, they always have this like,

I think it's called a sting

and it basically goes, "Din din d-d-d-d."

The lights go and the music comes on and the smoke comes up.

-It kind of goes, "Din din d-d-d-d."

-Oh, God, this shit's going to take off.

Wow! Hello. You all look so clean, well done.

Throughout this whole interview,

I've been a bit twitchy because you mentioned you've got footage

of my first Late 'n' Live and it's just... Oh! I don't know,

it's, you know, you put your past in little compartments and little boxes

that you never want to open again and already I'm... That's why

I've been a bit, "Oh, my God, when are you going to pull that horror on me?"

Oh, oh well, far be it from me to rummage around in your box

but we're going to pull it out now.

Ten years ago, Shappi Khorsandi was a fledgling comedian.

With barely 20 shows under her belt, she ventured

on to a stage that had defeated many a more experienced comic.

I was actually born in Iran, but it's all right, I'm unarmed.

'It was very tough growing up as an Iranian in London'

in the '80s, cos all you see of Iranians on TV is this.

"Allah Achbad... I kill you..." And we're not all like that, actually,

it's just my cousin Ali.

I wanted to do Late 'n' Live.

I did it very, very early on in my career and I've only ever done

it once and I wouldn't even say I had a career when I did it.

I was an open mic spot. But it was just something I knew I had to put myself through.

I had to do it.

It could have been a lot worse, my name. I have a cousin called Poo Pak.

Now, in Persian, Poo Pak is a beautiful name,

but in English, you're finished.

You can't even shorten it.

Shappi, you're doing fabulously.

You know, I am just so glad that's not one of those audiences where there's a random Scottish drunk.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Bit fat, ain't you?

Ah, it is.

Hello. You're what?

You're pished? Lucky you. Fucking lucky you.

Hello, this is my first Late 'n' Live. I'm so excited.

I was so terrified. I want to help myself.

Would you like to sit down before you fall over?

Oh, you're going to sit right in front of me. That's nice.

I can see a seat right at the back there, on the pavement in the...

There's a, there's a, there's a taxi outside with your name on it.

I'm actually a little bit scared.

If that woman queued up for a regular paying show

that an act was on at, the door wouldn't let her in.

But at Late 'n' Live it's like,

"No, no, incredibly drunk stupid lady, this is, this is your moment."

My name's Poo Pak. Poo Pak.

Let's just give a big cheer for me cos I'm, like, handling it quite well.

CHEERS AND LAUGHTER

Hooray!

It was like boot camp. I had to... I would never have respected myself

if I hadn't put myself through it once. And I coped.

Thank you very much. I've been Shappi. Good night.

More than coped, Shappi. More than coped.

Shappi Khorsandi!

Just goes to show you - faced with adversity, we women never fail.

Well, almost never.

I don't know why I did the Late 'n' Lives.

I always felt there was something to prove.

But sometimes you couldn't prove it,

you just could not prove you were funny. They wouldn't let you.

Now, shut up, I'm leaving. You win. Do you feel good?

JEERING

Oops.

It's the Carnegie Hall of comedy deaths, you know,

the hardest you'll ever do it.

Hmm Hmm! Oh, yes.

But this late-night audience aren't particularly sexist,

they make it tough on everyone.

Way back in 1998, stadium-filling comic Jason Byrne

was just starting out.

My first ever Late 'n' Live, I went out and I had all loads

of props, and if a drunk audience see you coming out like kind of young

and vulnerable... So I had sticks with those rubber hands on it

and immediately I'm going, "Aw, eh, second line D..."

and they went, "Fuck off!"

And they're going, "Get off, get off!" And I went, "OK." And I just turned around and left.

Aw, luckily for us he came back again, and again, and again,

and again, and again.

What I learned in Late 'n' Live was how to deal with the public.

LAUGHTER

Fuck off!

It was like getting in the ring with Mohammed Ali if you've never boxed.

My heart rate's going BANG, knocking me out again. Me going, "Right I'm coming back."

Then BANG, then go, "OK, I'm going back."

Then eventually I learned how to block,

cos every time the crowd hit me, I'd go bang, like that,

and then they'd go, "You bastard!" I'd go bang!

And eventually I was able to hold me own then.

Oh, and talk of holding your own, Rich Fulcher,

regular with The Mighty Boosh, is best known for his TV appearances,

but in 2010 he introduced his cross-dressed alter ego Eleanor,

an aging groupie, to Late 'n' Live for the very first time.

I am Eleanor. OK, first of all.

I invented the phrase, "Hello, space cowboy."

"Pound you like yesterday's beef." I also invented the sound, "Oooho."

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm getting turned on by myself.

No, early on, I hung out with loads of pilots, I was a jet lag hag.

I hung out with kidnappers, I was a ransom money honey.

And then I hung out with a narcoleptic bartender,

who also owned a hot tub. I was a snoozy boozy Jacuzzi floozy.

Come on, that's a good fucking joke.

'Late 'n' Live, I don't think knew what to think of her.'

It's funny, there are factions in this gig where they were wanting me

to go on, but half of them also were against me.

'Before I became a groupie, I hung out with comics,'

I pegged Simon, I, eh, I branded Russell.

I drank Bill Bailey's.

"Get off." That's what they say at Late 'n' Live. It's all coming back now. "Get off."

I was pretty much basically the world's greatest gag hag.

And you know what I did?

Oh no, they're turning.

Come on, Eleanor, turn them round, turn them round.

See, I'm singing, that's helping now.

# I'll be a gag hag Go on, tell me a joke

# I'll be a right slag I may let you poke me

# With a lit fag Go on, stub it right out

# Don't make me heckle Just make me shout

# Cos I'm a gag hag So hang your microphone

# Above your ball bag I'll tell you where I'm from

# I'll be your call-back But just don't waste my time... #

'You've got to love this, love me, love me! Yeah!'

# Here's a dance break. # Dance break!

CHEERING

'See, the dancing wins them back.'

I'm winning them back with my dancing!

# I'm a gag hag It's the funny way you speak

# I'll be your joke WAG

# I'll be your super freak

# But please don't feel bad Go on, just give it a tweak

# Cos Eleanor will be here all week

# Try the fish, yeah! #

Thank you, everybody. Goodnight.

Good save there, lady. I mean, well, you know what I mean.

It's like, "Oh, my God, I've done Late 'n' Live."

It's like, "Now I can do anything. I could run for President."

Obama should have done Late 'n' Live. Why didn't he? Did he? Where am I?

Nah, Obama never did Late 'n' Live,

something to do with the Republicans not letting him.

On the other hand, we do have some other surprising first-timers.

In 2005, virtuoso Tim Minchin brought some much-needed class to this late night stage.

I mean, my particular form of musical comedy tends to

require some pretty close attention because I'm a wanker

and I put all these dense lyrics into a lot of my stuff.

If you know the words, you can sing along.

'Late night drunk crowds are not my crowd. My comedy's not cool. It's nerdy.'

And not only is it nerdy, but once I start down a nerdy path, I can't stop cos it's a song.

'I can stop, but that's just giving up.'

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tim Minchin's touching Peace Anthem.

A plea for understanding between the Israelis and the Palestinians.

# We don't eat pigs You don't eat pigs

# It seems its been that way forever

# So if you don't eat pigs And we don't eat pigs

# Why not not eat pigs together? Rock. #

'So much of comedy, especially for men, is trying to show everyone'

how big your cock is. And if you, as a comedian, value other

people's opinion of how big your cock is, you have to a Late 'n' Live.

I agree entirely, but then, my cock is enormous.

But for the new wave of stand-ups like fresh-faced Tom Allen,

there's none of that, there's just toughing it out

with a microphone and a fantastic display of self-confidence.

Hello. Oh, this is lovely. Hi. You what, what are you doing?

You, you, you love me?

Oh, thanks. That's a nice way to be greeted on to the stage.

What... Who the fuck are you? No, what's your name? Daisy?

No, don't keep talking. It's annoying. So, em...

I'm just... I think I just tried to keep breathing through this.

When people first meet me they seem to think I need to be toughened up

and I've known this since I was about 17, when I overheard my parents talking.

"Oh, I'm sick of him, mincing round the house like a fanny."

"Oh, leave him alone," said my father.

For me, comedy's very much a tennis match in which the audience

has to play ball with you, otherwise it doesn't work.

So the great thing about Late 'n' Live is that they are playing

really hard and, em, and that's a big challenge for a comic.

Tennis, eh? Well, on this night in 2010,

a couple of drunks in the late night crowd thought they were Borg and McEnroe

I know, you cannot be serious.

There is this organisation set up by the government called Gaydar.

LAUGHTER

Which, if you don't know it, it's like Facebook for gays,

often without the face.

Lovely opening shot there, Tom.

The difference between like Match.com and Gaydar,

is that on Match.com it'll say things like, "What are you in to?"

And people will put, "Country walks, European cinema, cook..."

-What?

-Oh, offside! Actually, is that even the same sport?

Did you just shout "Bum"?

That is the most shit heckle I've ever heard.

But now I will have to kill you.

Who the hell are you, interrupting my impeccable comedy set?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You absolute... CUCKOO SOUND EFFECT

Do you know what I mean?

I'm clearly much more confident than I realise.

I wish I was better at doing "yo mama" jokes,

I could do one of them now, couldn't I? Like, your mother's so fat the way she sits around the house,

we can see that she's fat, in the context of different rooms.

So on Match.com, it'll say things like you know,

"What are you into?" "Country walks..."

On Gaydar it'll say, "What are you into?" People will put, "Fisting".

Sorry, you did interrupt me again

and that is quite a key moment rhythmically for this bit to work.

It's the same hair cut that you have.

Yeah, he was bald and he shouted out, "You've got a shit haircut."

My trousers are better than yours.

That would be the same, surely?

I don't have to do the both of those, to get the next comedian on I'd have to go.

If you want to have a conversation, I will have a conversation,

but you look like you don't have any bones, you're so off your face.

I'm boring. Am I boring?

Oh, they were nice. There are nice people. If you're confident with them.

People always go on about them being... It's only one person.

At this point all we can do is just go, "You're a..." CUCKOO SOUND EFFECT

"..You're a..." CUCKOO SOUND EFFECT

Ah, but I do think you're a... CUCKOO SOUND EFFECT

..and everybody here knows that and will be thinking that.

CHEERING

And game, set and match to Tom Allen. New balls, please.

Sorry, I just always wanted to say that.

Thank you very much for having me. See you again.

GREAT APPLAUSE

That's the thing with comedy, you're putting on this facade of confidence.

I think most comedians are kind of, you know, often kind of socially awkward,

often were bullied at school, and so

it's kind of carrying this kind of strange insecurity but yet, going, "Waaayyyyy!!!"

There's a lot of smoke and mirrors that goes on,

like, "I'm not nervous. Yeah, I can take this on."

And I'm not like that, I'll be just like, "No, properly, I've messed my pants."

You and me both, pal. Comedy hot property Zoe Lyons

first appeared on the stand-up scene back in 2003, but waited a whole six years

before feeling her Late 'n' Live fear and just doing it anyway.

I've got friends that are like,

"I love it when my boyfriend is in touch with his feminine side.

"Richard came home last week,

"he bought flowers and a DVD and we watched the film and he had a little cry

"and cos of that, I love him an awful lot more."

I've never heard Richard say, "I wish Mary was more in touch her masculine side."

I've never gone round their house and gone, "Where's Mary?"

"Oh, she's upstairs drinking Stella, playing Mortal Combat and cracking one off.

"She came home drunk last night, I found her pissing on the DVD player.

"She's very much in touch with her masculine side."

See the fear in my face?

"Just shout loudly, shout loudly, keep going and don't let any spaces,

"so then nobody can say anything." It's so obvious.

'It's so obvious watching that.'

I walked into a shop the other day and I caught sight of myself on a CCTV monitor

and I walked in and went, "Fucking hell. Oh, my God.

"Is that me? Is that me?"

You're at a funny angle, you've got to make sure it is you.

So I was like, "Is that me, is that...? That is, oh, that is me.

"Look at that. Fucking hell."

Then I had this awful thought, I thought "D'you know what?

"If I go missing after shopping in this establishment,

"that's the last piece of CCTV footage they'll ever have of me.

"I deserve to be found in a shallow grave with hair like that.

"Look at that! Fuckin' hell." You've got to be careful, there are four million CCTV

cameras in this country, any one of them could catch your last moment.

I don't want my mum to turn on Crimewatch to see,

"We're looking for Zoe Lyons. She was last seen in WH Smith picking her nose and buying pornography."

You've got to be careful.

I think it's the fear of being heckled by an incredibly drunk

Scottish man at four o'clock in the morning

but who is still sharper than you.

That's the real fear. And you're just stood there. Cos sometimes

what happens in those situations, your brain goes,

"Right, we're lower the shutters and just leave you on your own."

Phhhhhh!

Everything can go. It's that fear of being left on stage in front of a baying crowd with nothing

to come back at them with, nothing. And that has happened to me before on stage.

Ironically, the only people who never look good in make-up are those

bitches that sell make-up.

Cos they love make-up so much, they've just got to wear it all at once.

You just see them go, "What're you wearing? Is it Mac?

"Is it Estee Lauder or L'Oreal? Is it Bobby Brown?"

"Sharon, I'm wearing fucking everything.

"I've been up since 4am just layering, layering, layering,

"layering. Waiting for the primer to dry and layering some more.

"Do you know, my face weighs so much my neck is going to snap."

I've used every like-me trick in the book.

It's about as subtle as a sledgehammer in the face, that performance, it really is.

If I'd come on and sort of whimsied away about my love of tulips

I think I'd have been... Who knows? I might have got away with it. But I wasn't going to let that happen.

Take care of yourselves. Goodnight. Cheers.

So what? Every trick or not, it totally worked.

And when it works, everybody knows about it.

If somebody had really done a good gig at Late 'n' Live,

you would know about it within 24 hours.

Equally, if somebody had suffered an agonising and messy death,

you would know about it within 24 hours.

So the stakes are high.

Because when you walk on to that stage, you know that audience,

sometimes quite literally.

Late 'n' Live is one of those rare rooms, as we call them

in the business, where comedians will watch at the back.

It's the toughest crowd in Edinburgh

but it's also your peers watching you

play the toughest crowd in Edinburgh.

It's all turned horribly pear-shaped!

We were all there to see death or glory.

Basically what would happen is,

all the comics would loiter in the bar and then if someone came on

that they thought might die, they'd all come in and watch.

Somebody'd just lean against the door like that

and have a look through, just checking on what was going on

and as soon as it started kicking off, the door was open and they just,

all the comics would flood in and gather around and go, "Right. Here we go.

"Someone's having a horrible death."

All of a sudden you'd just have a flock of mean-spirited drunken,

you know, shite hawks just gathering around the death

of another comedian like fucking vultures.

"Oh, somebody's dying on stage."

If someone's had a very bad high-profile gig, everyone knows

and chances are a lot of people will be secretly very pleased.

Clap your hands, stamp your feet and welcome Ava Vidal.

When Late 'n' Live first-timer Ava Vidal took to the stage in 2004,

the comics didn't just watch the gig, they joined in.

The first couple of minutes were going fine

and then I started hearing this heckling.

Do we have any Big Brother fans in? Yes, no? Good.

I'm glad because I don't watch reality TV either.

I refuse to support the genre that revived the career of Peter Andre.

I'm not going to do it.

You're indifferent to it either way?

So I only had, like a new comic, a couple of sort of trade lines

that you use to sort of put someone off and that normally stops someone

and not in this case and this person would not stop and it was relentless.

You got in free?

I couldn't really see what was happening in the room,

but as the voice was talking more and more,

I kind of recognised it and it turned out to be Daniel Kitson.

Stand up sharp-shooter and Perrier Prize winner Daniel Kitson

was a regular compere of Late 'n' Live.

For that particular show, he had a night off,

so he was at home tucked up in bed, or was he?

Who is heckling me? Is that Kitson? Oh shit, I can't take on Kitson.

Please, Daniel, please, please no. Leave me alone. I wouldn't dare.

After that, I was so new, I stayed up all night.

I was furious and I was just writing and writing

and writing answers for everything he'd said to me.

If he ever tried that again.

And so I was quite keen to go back, you know,

cos once you do that, you can't have that as your Late 'n' Live memory,

as your only Late 'n' Live story.

So I went back to do Late 'n' Live again the next year

and the second time it was better.

Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

It's a general rule that you learn more from a bad gig than you do from a good gig.

Cos the good gig, you roll it out and everyone loves you and it's great.

But the bad gig is the one at which you go, "God why did that not work?"

And you also have to learn how to deal with a bad gig,

so you need to do gigs in which you die.

Fear plays an important part in comedy and I always find that when

you've done something that raises your fear bar, you can move on.

You can move on.

If it's raising the fear bar you're after,

then Late 'n' Live is a right of passage.

You have to be confident, you have to face your fear

and you have to keep an eye out for those hecklers.

In 2001, Francesca Martinez took to the stage, readily prepared.

Let's have a huge, enormous round of applause for Francesca Martinez.

Come on. Keep it going, come on!

Keep it going, cos she's still not here!

Hello.

There was a big pressure on me doing it for the first time

and also because I think the fact is that I'm wobbly.

I think a lot of people kind of were suspicious

and thought "Oh, is she just a novelty act?" you know.

"Is she just there because she's different?"

And I was very aware of really wanting to shoot that down in flames

and go, "No, you know, being wobbly doesn't make you funny." It had nothing to do with it.

And so I really wanted to go out and prove that.

Oh, by the way, em, the correct word for my condition is sober.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's quite funny cos at the beginning they're very wary,

they're a bit nervous.

You know, when I was at school, em,

I was always asked, "Do you ever wish that you were normal?"

Now that's a really tough one, isn't it?

But no, cos I reckon, right, that the world would be so boring

if everyone was disabled.

LAUGHTER

But the World Cup would be a lot more interesting, eh? Yeah.

And England might actually win. Even Scotland, eh?

You know, as a comedian, you're constantly trying to evolve

and that's what I love about comedy, like, you never get to a point

where you go, "Oh, I know this now."

You know, you're always growing and learning.

You know, though, seriously, guys, sometimes it can be quite hard

coping with an imperfect body because you tend to feel isolated.

You feel unattractive and you lose all your confidence.

That's why now my ex-boyfriend goes to the gym.

I came across a lot more confident than I felt.

I think I hid my terrifying fear quite well.

Thanks a lot, you've been great.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

'But I was a bit nervous that I'd get heckled'

but I think everyone was way too scared to heckle a wobbly woman.

I guess that would be true equality.

The day I get told to piss off will be a good day.

Next time, we've got Johnny Vegas,

Jimmy Carr and Bill Bailey,

posing the question, "Can you go too far at Late 'n' Live?"

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