Episode 2 Bizarre Crime

This programme contains some strong language.

Britain's bobbies see some bizarre things in the line of duty, and for this series,

with the help of victims, cops and crooks, we've unearthed the UK's most audacious...

Go faster!

-..deviant...

-The guy's completely naked in the chimney.

..and downright daft acts of criminality.

Stealing from a CCTV shop is not ironic, it's moronic.

These odd offences all prove one thing. Crime doesn't pay.

And the police won't rest until they get their man.

We had him bang to rights.

So observe your right to remain silent as we sentence you

to 30 minutes of guilty pleasure in the weird world of Bizarre Crime.

# Crime don't pay, crime don't pay

# X and Y were the best of friends

# They stuck together round the awkward bends

# Since the killing, Y tried to find

# A way to pay the guilty back in time

# Crime don't pay, crime don't pay

# Crime don't pay... #

Coming up, a curious kidnap leaves crooks in a flap.

Once an owl gets his claws into your arm, your neck or your face could cause fatal injury.

And a European round trip, plus a bogus Bulgarian

form part of the world's most surreal speeding fine scam.

The most ludicrous suggestions that I've come across

in many years of policing.

But for our first case,

we're heading to Wigan where one morning in 2008,

the town's rooftops became the scene of a bizarre bungled burglary.

Help, help!

That wasn't just humiliating...

And there he was, completely in the nude, you know.

-..but almost fatal.

-He's lucky to be alive.

-I thought I was a goner!

HEAVY BREATHING

Early one October morning, just as Wigan was waking up,

newsagent David Clayton was alerted to an unsettling sound from across the street.

I arrived to open up the shop and the delivery driver

said he'd heard some muffled voices

but was unsure as to where they came from.

David and the driver went in search of this strange disembodied voice.

'Help, help!'

We were just baffled as to where this sound was coming from.

Deciding that the cries for help clearly constituted an emergency,

they dialled 999.

And firefighters from Leigh's Bluewatch sped to the scene.

When we arrived, it was a matter of finding out where these noises were coming from, you know.

'Help, help! I'm stuck.'

So we had a quick search around the building.

Obviously, we were looking upwards.

They suspected the noise might be coming

from someone trapped in a room above the supermarket,

but what they discovered was far more bizarre.

'Help, help!'

To their astonishment, the cries for help were coming from the chimney.

What the hell's this guy been up to, like.

I've never seen anything like that in all my career.

But who was the mystery man trapped in a chimney?

And what was he doing there?

Meet local lad, Daniel Davies.

His mates call him Babs, which is short for Baboon,

because of his trademark baboon boogie.

# I'm bringing sexy back. #

But that fateful night in 2008, Babs wasn't out dancing.

He'd been watching footie with his mates

and he was heading home with a takeaway.

But as he passed the supermarket,

he was struck with a barmy and bewildering notion.

He decided to scramble up to the roof and break in

by climbing down the chimney.

I just climbed up onto a square box and I went down a slope

and then into the chimney.

Babs had his heart set on one thing.

Ale. Alcohol.

Clearly, Babs had given detailed thought as to how he'd escape

once inside the locked and shuttered shop... Right?

No, not really.

And he had a clear plan for getting his loot out of the store... Yes?

Phuh, I can't really remember.

But not planning his getaway would be the least of Babs' worries.

The clueless crook didn't get anywhere near the goodies on the shop floor.

Instead, he became firmly lodged inside the flue,

not so much supermarket sweep, as supermarket chimney sweep!

When I went down the chimney, it was dusty and tight,

like, up to my face there, really, really bad.

I couldn't breathe proper, obviously, cos there was no oxygen

so I thought that was it, that's, like, me gone.

If he'd left it another half an hour or hour, when the traffic builds up,

nobody would've heard his cries for help.

He'd have been there until demolition.

He'd have been a skeleton.

Fortunately for Babs, fire crews were on hand

but their job wasn't going to be an easy one.

The building was old so they had to tread carefully.

We slowly had to start to chip away at the brickwork with hammer and chisel.

We started at the bottom

and then sort of slowly worked our way up, bit by bit.

Their delicate demolition work soon started to pay off.

We could see a pair of trainers on the bottom of the chimney

and then we chipped away a little bit more

and then feet appeared.

# I want to break free... #

Brick by brick, the chimney was dismantled

until crews were finally able to free the felon from the flue,

only to be faced with one final startling revelation.

There he was, completely covered in soot from head to foot, completely in the nude.

# I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight... #

There was an ambulancewoman there as well so she got an eyeful

of whatever he had.

LAUGHS

# Got to have love tonight (Hot stuff). #

I wasn't really bothered if anyone could see me naked.

I was glad to be out of there and rescued.

In case you're wondering how Babs ended up buck-naked in the chimney,

in his attempts to wriggle down, his top had come off,

and when he tried to wiggle his way up and out again,

he'd lost his tracksuit bottoms.

SIRENS BLARE

Naked or not, his Santa-style swipe was still a criminal offence

and after a thorough medical check,

he was carted off to face burglary charges.

PC John Caterill was just clocking on at Wigan's Priority Crime Office

when something in the custody suite made him look twice.

His face was quite dirty, his hands was dirty.

Was something like out of an Oliver Twist film.

It was PC Caterill's job to find out exactly what Babs had been doing

naked in a supermarket chimney at five in the morning.

He denied the burglary.

He said that he'd been going to a kebab shop

and that on his way back a car pulled up with two lads inside.

-I said I was getting chased by drug dealers.

-And his place of hiding was down the chimney.

Yes, being caught burgling in his birthday suit

wasn't enough for Babs.

He told police he was running from drug dealers

who he owed money to, neatly implicating himself

in an additional serious criminal offence,

but the police weren't buying it.

I could understand him just hiding on a roof but to actually climb down a chimney is unbelievable, really.

Babs ultimately saw sense and admitted the offence.

In court, he pleaded guilty and received two months

but was released because of time served.

# What she gonna look like with a chimney on her? #

Back on the streets of Wigan, Babs doesn't boast of his blunder.

Something stupid I done and regret.

It was, like, embarrassing at first

but I'm just going to have to live with it now, so...

But his exploits won't be forgotten fast by locals.

I just thought it was so bizarre, that somebody would try to go down

a chimney stack, so it WAS the talk of the street, yeah.

Top of the list really. I've never come across anything like this before

and I very much doubt whether I will do again.

# What she gonna look like with a chimney on her? #

Babs isn't alone in being a rooftop raider.

Take this bloke, for example,

who's been caught on CCTV pinching from a Teesside pizza parlour.

The doors were locked and the shutters down

but that didn't stop the canny crook clambering in through the ceiling.

Having nabbed a bag of coins, it's time to make his escape...

back the way he came.

# Oh, what a feeling

# When we're dancing on the ceiling

# Oh, what a feeling... #

Desperate to escape with the dosh, the tumbling tea-leaf tries again.

# Oh, what a feeling! #

LOUD CRASHING

Ooh! Right on his dough balls.

LOUD CRASHING

LOUD CRASHING

LOUD CRASHING

After no less than eight attempts

and having caused a shocking £3,000 worth of damage,

the clumsy crook finally escaped.

For our next story, we're heading to Plymouth

where the domestic bliss of one family was shattered

after a night of high speed police chases

that followed a cruel and curious kidnap.

So many are kidnapped for extortion, for blackmail.

I was broken-hearted. It was a lot of panic,

and our house was just...manic.

OWL HOOTS

Meet the Godbeers. Dad, Andrew. Mum, Linda. Daughter, Hannah.

-And Addie, the Barn Owl.

-ADDIE HOOTS

When you come to our house there's a barn owl flying around, so it's a bit different.

Like birds of a feather, these four flock together.

I've had for so long, she IS a member of the family.

And she's nibbling in my ear.

But one midsummer night in 2007,

this happy family would be ripped apart.

Addie was about to become a target thanks to a craze

inspired by everyone's favourite boy-wizard.

The first Harry Potter film

with owls, everybody wanted one for Christmas.

Where there's a demand, you can bet your life

the thieves will latch on to it and cash in.

While the Godbeers slept,

two callous crooks crept into their garden.

As silent and swift as an owl on the hunt, they swooped on Addie.

With Addie under their wing the thieves took flight,

stealing a neighbour's car to make their getaway.

DOORS SLAM, TYRES SCREECH

But this wasn't to be their lucky night.

The neighbour had spotted the car-jacking,

and police were soon in hot pursuit.

SIRENS BLARE

As far as the police were concerned,

at that stage, they were following a stolen vehicle.

They had absolutely no idea that an owl had been taken.

OWL HOOTS

But the bird brain burglars had a bigger problem than the cops on their tail.

Addie wasn't the sort of owl to come quietly.

As the car flew through the streets of Plymouth,

inside was a frenzied battle of felons versus talons.

The horror stricken crooks flailed manically,

as Addie deployed her razor sharp claws,

her metre-wide wingspan obscuring the windscreen.

Once an owl gets his claws into your arm, your neck or your face,

especially around the neck, it could cause fatal injury.

I can only begin to imagine what's going on inside that car at that time.

Fearing they might career off the road, the feckless villains

had no option but to quickly and callously dump their hostage.

You see a white object thrown out of the passenger side of the car.

The police thought at the time, and the CCTV operators at the time, that it was drugs.

Free from Addie's clutches, they hit the accelerator

and a frantic 70 miles per hour chase across Plymouth ensued.

SIRENS BLARE

Two lads are seen on CCTV then, one out the driver's side, one out the passenger side,

and they're seen to then run. They take their chances and hide in a bush

and hope the police miss them.

Unfortunately, they didn't.

The police got their men.

But as far as the cops were concerned,

they'd only collared carjackers.

At this stage, they were still unaware of the evening's earlier kidnap.

OWL HOOTS

Until an officer went back to investigate the curious cargo the crims had dumped during the chase.

He was directed by CCTV operators and it was established then

that the white package was actually Addie the owl.

He removed his jacket and when he got close enough to Addie,

he was able to throw the jacket over Addie and then be safely able to pick her up.

A few hours later, back at the Godbeers',

the family awoke to a devastating scene.

I was broken-hearted and crying as well.

I was just really upset.

It was a lot of panic and our house was just...manic.

To their relief,

a call to the police revealed that Addie was safe

but the family's joy was to be short-lived.

When they were reunited, Andrew instantly spotted

that Addie was in a bad way,

and she was rushed into emergency surgery.

CASUALTY THEME SONG

Addie had a broken right leg and was bleeding from one eye.

Addie was obviously in pain from the injury.

She could have died from her injuries,

actually being thrown from the car

and, in effect, she came away luckily with only a damaged leg.

The vet worked fast to fix her fracture

before putting her leg in a cast.

With a broken limb, they can continue to function normally,

so we decided to place metal pins through the bone

and put an external frame around it

to hold the joint in position while it fused together.

I saw her for one check-up about a fortnight later and all was going really, really well.

Thankfully, it was a speedy recovery for Addie,

And justice would come quickly for her kidnappers.

Pleading guilty to charges of burglary, owl-knapping, and car theft,

one was given a nine month suspended sentence,

and both were ordered to complete over 200 hours of community service.

No doubt they also learnt a valuable lesson.

I think they'll think twice about stealing an owl in future,

especially one that's as feisty as Addie.

But it's thanks to her feistiness

that Addie's now home safe and sound.

I'm very proud of her for her scratching and digging 'em

when she got stolen. If it weren't for her fighting back

we'd never would have got her back. You're a good girl.

Owls well that ends well - eh, Addie?

OWL HOOTS

Addie the owl may have been an innocent bird,

but bizarrely pets can be perpetrators as well as victims,

and this week's criminal countdown profiles

the world's weirdest, furred, feathered and fishy felons.

Bottom of the pecking order is Cambridgeshire's vicious ASBO swan.

This beaky badass has been terrorising rowers

on the River Cam, causing one skuller to capsize,

and leaving one punter so petrified

that he'll no longer take to the water alone.

SQUAWKING

You might have heard of a drugs mule,

but have you ever encountered a drugs pigeon?

Police in Colombia caught one winged wrongdoer attempting to fly

into jail with a tiny knapsack of cocaine paste and marijuana.

Alas, the 45 gram load proved too hefty

and the dopey bird crashed and burned a block away from the prison.

Back on terra firma is Southampton's notorious knicker thief -

a feline felon who looted lingerie

and underpants from 70 gardens during a sordid spree.

CAT MEOWS AND HISSES

Just as brazen are the cheeky monkeys at Knowsley Safari Park,

who've nabbed everything from boots to bras.

The trouble began when the pesky primates

learned how to open luggage on roof-racks.

MONKEYS HOWL

I can't stand all this monkey business.

But burgling baboons are not the weirdest

mammalian marauders in this week's countdown.

Our runner up is a carjacking goat -

yes that's right, a goat, who was held by police in Nigeria

after vigilantes seized the poor little bleater,

claiming he was an armed robber, who'd used black magic

to transform himself into an animal, and make his escape.

But top of the pet shop today is possibly the world's oddest,

and most unlikely animal accomplice.

One Scot called the cops after he was slapped full in the face

with a fish while walking through a park in the town of Grangemouth.

Completely out of the blue, he was approached by his assailant

and his aquatic acquaintance, and asked -

"You want to kiss my fish?"

When the stunned victim kept schtum he got a big fat trout-pout

for his troubles, and a warning -

"You fucking answer me next time I ask you to kiss a fish."

A crime so bizarre, it's off the scale!

For Bizarre Crime, we've turned the spotlight on the cops,

asking serving and retired officers from across the country to recount

the funniest and freakiest things they've encountered.

What you're about to hear might sound far fetched,

but it's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

COUGHING

Welcome to Bizarre Crime's police confessional.

Exhibit E - Celebrity Cellmates.

First night shift in charge of Middlesbrough custody

and my first reviews, in Cell 1, Michael Jackson,

in Cell 2, Joe Calzaghe, in Cell 3, Cinderella,

and in Cell 4, Wild Bill Hickok.

Obviously a fancy dress party where a fight broke out,

they had been arrested, put in the cells and then they were actually photographed, believe it or not,

for the mug-shots in those costumes.

Exhibit F - the VIP.

A colleague was once put on the entrance of the VIP car park at the County Show,

and then was told - "you don't let anyone in unless they've got the correct VIP pass".

So when a Range Rover turned up with a gentleman in it who insisted

he should be let into the VIP car park, the bobby said -

"if you haven't got the pass you aren't coming into the car park".

That argument traded back and forth, and got increasingly bitter, and ended with this bobby being,

so the story goes, the only officer in the county to be told to fuck off by the Duke of Edinburgh.

Time for another incompetent crook caught on camera.

This criminal mastermind is trying to rob an electrical store,

disguising himself using, what else, but a bag over his head.

Although he's forgotten one small detail -

he's not cut any eyeholes in his makeshift mask.

CRASHING SOUND AND ALARM

Not content with causing a racket by taking a tumble,

he's also set off the alarms, before his final genius idea,

alerting any police and passers by to his presence

with the aid of a flashlight.

When it comes to a criminal masterclass

this truly is the blind leading the blind!

For our final case tonight we're heading to Manchester

where seasoned officer Mark Beales has pretty much heard it all

when it comes to dodging a speeding ticket.

But when one couple concocted a plot that involved a 1,500 mile trip to the Black Sea,

and a mysterious Bulgarian, even he was left flabbergasted.

There are people who take things to extremes and there are those that go beyond that.

This case certainly fits the latter.

It was the morning rush hour in Manchester when this man, who's asked to remain anonymous,

so we're calling him 'Brian',

was driving his daughter to swimming practice.

We were probably running slightly late so we'd be going a little quicker than normal.

As he crept over the speed limit, he was flashed by a camera.

As sheer bad luck would have it, Brian's wife, let's call her 'Brenda',

had been flashed by a speed camera too and a ticket was on its way to her as well.

Two was a bit of a surprise.

Once we opened the tickets it was the usual thing of a bit of despair, annoyed with yourself.

So what would you do if two £60 speeding fines dropped through your letterbox?

A, cough up the cash and clock up the penalty points,

B, contest the fine in court

or C, travel hundreds of miles to the Black Sea to enlist the help of a bogus Bulgarian?

Unbelievably, our criminal couple opted for C.

We just basically decided that we could do with an option

and we'd try something to see if we could get out of the speeding ticket.

In moment of madness they hatched the cunning plan

to claim that someone else had been driving their car when the cameras flashed.

You hear people chatting in the pub

and somebody had made suggestions of blaming foreign nationals on driving the vehicle.

And so was born Konstantin Koscov.

They'd named their new fake friend after a chap they'd come across on holiday.

-He was a taxi driver working in Bulgaria.

-(Hello!)

They wrote to Manchester's ticket office informing them that Konstantin,

a former colleague, had been driving their car at the time of the offences

and that he'd now returned to his homeland.

First to read their bizarre tale was ticket office clerk Mark Hindley.

It was just too helpful.

It went into great detail about how he was employed in this country, how he was a good friend,

he's gone back to Bulgaria and probably will never return.

It just stood out as being total fabrication - just total nonsense.

Unconvinced by their story, Mark referred the case to Sergeant Mark Beales.

It did seem a little far-fetched. I was quite clearly suspicious.

The police officer rang up and said, do I recall who was driving the car?

I replied that it was Konstantin Koscov.

He asked if it was possible to prove that.

The cops had called their bluff

but rather than coming clean the couple decided to make an astonishing new move

that would take their bizarre scheme to an even weirder level.

# We could fly away... #

In an attempt to prove the existence of a man who didn't exist, Brenda flew to Bulgaria.

Once there she penned a postcard from their fictitious friend writing as if she was Konstantin Koscov

before sending it back to herself and her husband in Manchester.

When the postcard arrived in the UK, Brian sent it on to Sergeant Beales

confident that this would convince the cops and get the couple off the hook.

Certainly hoped that once the police received the postcard that would be the end of it.

But Sergeant Beales smelled a rat.

Well the card was in the shape of Bulgaria

and it was full of the most ludicrous suggestions that I've come across in many years of policing.

"Many thanks for the opportunity to work in your office.

"I enjoyed the experience and would gladly return the favour.

"Unfortunately my car is nowhere as good as yours but it will get you about.

"Many thanks again and look forward to my next trip. Regards Konstantin Koscov."

It's a ludicrous proposition what he's saying in that.

It's not what you would put in a postcard and also to make a reference to a car

in the middle of a sentence which he's talking about working for somebody, again, is ludicrous.

But Sergeant Beales had to prove their alibi was as bogus as their Bulgarian buddy.

He started by putting in a call to Interpol to see if he could track down the elusive Konstantin Koscov.

Despite making extensive enquiries with Bulgarian authorities

we still couldn't trace him so that added weight to the suspicion that they were false details.

Confident they had Brian and Brenda bang to rights, the police arrested the couple

and charged them with perverting the course of justice -

a much more serious crime than the speeding offence.

One which carries a potential life sentence.

I've only ever associated perverting the course of justice with aiding and abetting murder and things.

It did seem rather heavy for a speeding ticket.

A fixed penalty would have dealt with the speeding offence.

A fixed penalty won't deal with an offence of perverting the course of justice.

A hefty fine or even a custodial sentence would deal with that.

In court, realising the game was up, the pair pleaded guilty.

Narrowly escaping prison, they breathed a sigh of relief but their wallets didn't get off so lightly.

They were ordered to pay a whopping £9,200 in fines and another £1,900 in court costs.

It's a five-figure sum and, er,

obviously it hurt the bank account quite a lot.

I know what I'd rather pay. I'd rather pay the fixed penalty ticket than an £11,000 fine.

It's a no brainer really.

Let's take a look at how much this whole sorry saga cost them.

Initially, they were hit by a couple of £60 fines.

but once their bizarre scam kicked in, the cost mounted up.

Flights, £700. One night in a hotel, £60.

Postcard, £1. Stamp, 48p.

Add to that a total of £9,200 in fines and another £1,900 in court costs

and you're looking at a grand total of £11,861.48.

That's nearly 100 times the original fine and undoubtedly a valuable lesson.

Looking back it was a foolish thing to do

for the sake of a couple of speeding fines and a few points.

I hope that people they associate with know the story and I hope that they have told them,

"Look, if you get a speeding notice through the post do what it says. Don't do what we did."

My example is an ideal one for speeding tickets and how not to avoid them.

Next time on Bizarre Crime:

One village is rocked after a surreal smash n' grab.

-It looked like there'd be an explosion.

-Absolute destruction.

We're used to having a hole in the wall but not that big.

A cold-hearted conman breaks hearts as well as laws.

I don't think he has a single regret except that he got caught.

Plus, fines, signs and automobiles - another bonkers speeding scam backfires.

You almost question your own judgement that somebody would do something so stupid.

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