The Best Action Film Ever! The Best Films Ever!

Hi, I'm David Hasselhoff and if you've never seen me before

the chances are you're either not human or you're under a week old.

I've done all kinds of movies, from horror, sci-fi, action,

romance to sports and even dance movies.

And now, I'm ready to share my encyclopaedic knowledge of film with you -

the normal people who make it all worthwhile.

So, join me as I lead you all through

The Hoff's Best Action Film Ever!

This programme contains some violent scenes

I love action movies.

They fire the audience up like no other genre.

Later on, I'm going to reveal

which one the Hoff thinks is the best action film ever.

I think a great action movie has to have things going for it

that really make it zing.

So, take my hand, follow me

into the danger zone

and let's see what those mother kissers are.

First up, we'll have some reckless driving.

Every time I get into a taxi, I do want to just shout, "Drive!"

We'll meet the heroes whose job it is to save the day.

They're just all-man.

Man, man, man, man!

Get in there,

beat him up,

get the girl,

good to go!

And they'll be doing it all in their underwear.

Every action hero's got to have a white vest.

Die Hard's vest is the best vest,

because it's really manky.

We'll meet the villains who are out to cause trouble wherever they go.

Agh!

They're so bad they don't even need to be angry.

It was the least I could do for a friend.

They used to need a cat, not any more.

And we'll have chaos...

..destruction...

Guys, we lost another car.

Who's paying for this?

..And non-stop explosions.

They have outrageous expenditure

where they just completely don't take reality into question.

That's it.

Now, let's get the adrenaline pumping.

Nothing lets you know who's the cat and who's the mouse,

in an action movie, like a good chase scene.

Now, they could be on boats, on foot, mopeds, horses, cats, anything.

Actually, scrap cats, cats are a pain in the ass to work with.

But which movie chase is the best ever?

Buckle up and let the Hoff take you on the ride of a lifetime.

I love a chase.

There's nothing that gets the heart racing in an action film

like a good chase.

So the boat chase in The World Is Not Enough, right?

Bond's rolling and he's chasing the thing and they're rolling around

and they're bumping and his hair is staying immaculate, by the way.

And he jumps over the thing.

They blow up on the thing and then they roll around on the thing

and they bounce, bounce on that thing.

And then they go up on the thing and the thing goes bang.

And that's Bond - he just rolls, that's how he rolls.

Particular favourites are those that are done in reverse.

In Drive, those car scenes are incredible.

Everything that I'll never be, Gosling is.

The way he just drives and is this silent, avenging hero.

Whereas, I'd be pulling over,

neurotically overanalysing the situation, double-checking my map.

"Have I got the address right?"

I'd run out of fuel, I'd have to top up my fuel just to make sure I didn't...

And then I'd just lose it.

You need a market.

The market, then straight.

There's got to be fruit.

Because when the car crash comes through the market,

the fruit goes everywhere.

And I'd be like, "No, not the apples."

CROWD SHOUTS

Gene Hackman in The French Connection

has one of the best car chases,

which goes to show a '70s movie still holds up for its cars.

Hold it!

He waves the car down.

Police emergency, I need your car.

And the guy goes, "Hey, what are you doing? That's my car!

"Aah, ooh!!"

And then they cut to the chase.

Something that really annoys me in some contemporary action movies

is that they're shot very, you know, shaky cam,

you just sort of can't really make out

what's actually supposed to be happening.

What I think people tend to overlook in a chase scene is

the fact that there's lots of cars around them.

They've ruined their day.

There's going to be a lot of fall back from that.

There's going to be queues for hours.

Boys, you've got this crash element too. You want to see it crash.

Every time I get into a taxi, I do want to just shout, "Drive!"

You want to see it be loud and go fast and smash.

I get that, I think it's ridiculous.

All men are children.

But then we see a car chase and we go,

"Oh, I just...I want to play with my Scalextric again

"and crash them into each other and go kaboom

"and set everything on fire." Yeah!

Amateurs! Haven't they ever heard of turbo boost?

OK, OK, big budgets can take an action movie to another level

like no other genre.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no fan of wasting money,

but spending the kind of dough that could stabilise

a small African country on blowing up a sugar-glass ice palace?

Well, it sure looks good on camera.

Here are some big budget action sequences that would make

your bank manager's eyes water.

Outrageous destruction is why we see action movies.

I think ultimately we want to see stuff blow up

and we want to see stuff blow up real good.

Most action films are outrageous.

In fact, I think that's the sign of a good action film

when they have outrageous expenditure.

Where they just completely don't take reality into question.

Action movies are a lot of money.

You have to blow up a certain amount of cars...

..a bridge is always good...

..helicopters are great.

No!

I know from doing a little bit of filming myself

that there's a lot of takes involved!

Imagine setting those explosion wires and everything that goes off.

I mean, Die Hard 4.0, that moment when the car goes off the ramp,

hits the helicopter...

You're going to lose a helicopter, you're going to lose a car.

What if the car doesn't quite hit it?

You're going to have to reset it. "Guys, we lost another car.

"How many is that?" "I think it's ten, John. Ten cars."

"Who's paying for this?"

Yeah, so it's very, very expensive to do.

Well, as you pick the glass out of your hair, it's time for us

to meet someone no action movie could do without -

the heroes.

Everyone needs a hero.

Let's face it, yours is probably me,

which I'm cool with.

Action movie heroes have to be cool - check.

Handsome - check.

Tough - check.

Brave - check.

Resourceful - check.

Flawed...

I'm...I'm sorry, I can't help you there, the Hoff doesn't do flaws.

Check out the Hoff's very own action hero dream team.

An action hero has got to be a born and bred action guy.

He's just a muscly guy who's in the gym 18 hours a day.

People, they're going out there and they're brave and they're cool

and they're so confident and they quit their jobs

and they take the law into their own hands.

They're just all man.

You know - man, man, man.

Life's a joke, shitbird.

If you don't want that Fu Manchu knocked back into the '60s,

you better keep your gum-chewing trap shut and show some respect.

Bring it.

A good action hero has to be autonomous,

they have to make their own decisions.

Just pack up your little circus or I'm going to come

and I'm going to kick your ass.

Can you imagine Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible going,

"I just need to check something."

"I just need to make sure, are we allowed to do that?"

Can I ask you something, Kittridge?

"OK, can you...? Right, no, we can't."

"They're saying no. We're getting a no here, guys."

A pleasant evening.

With James Bond, he's sort of sophisticated as well as tough.

Daniel Craig, I think,

is a brilliant blend of both of those things, perhaps more so

than any of the other actors who've ever played James Bond.

Most men think, "Oh, yeah, I'm a few steps away of being James Bond.

"With a bit more training,

"I too could have a licence to kill and be a bit like 007."

There was a trend in the 1980s of incredibly muscled action men

led by Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, of course.

Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't the everyman.

Sly Stallone isn't the everyman.

I suppose more recently,

Jason Bourne seems a bit like that but you know, you soon see

their skills and their kung fu kicks and you realise they're not.

He's probably the first action hero who doesn't have any,

sort of, funny little quips.

I mean, he really looks like he can kick some butt

and he does, obviously.

Do you have a Jason Bourne in custody?

-Yes, I do.

-Listen, he's an agency priority target...

MUFFLED SPEECH

-'Call me back as soon as he's secure.'

-I understand.

Not bad, guys, not bad.

Though I do suspect I could take any of them on mano-a-mano,

if that's Spanish for "with a flamethrower".

But that ain't going to happen, because I am no bad guy.

I'm David Hasselhoff!

Bad guys in action movies are narcissistic,

delusional about their ability and hellbent on world domination.

Wait a minute, maybe I am a bad guy.

Whatever, here comes the baddest of the bad.

You need to have that guy that you really hate throughout the film

and you think, "Go on, just go on, lamp him. Lamp him!"

Just as long as in an action movie you can shout out

and get really passionate about it.

They have to have a swagger, a sneer

and most often they have to have a British accent.

ENGLISH ACCENT: You see, Mr Bond, like every great artist,

I want to create an indisputable masterpiece once in my lifetime.

The death of 007.

It seems to be something to do with

the tightness of the posh, middle-class English...

People, in their heads abroad, they associate it with a

tight inward character - if you clip your vowels and clip your language,

there must be something inside you that hates everyone.

It's that look, that steely, murderous look

that a villain needs to have.

Especially when you can go from laughing

to suddenly looking serious.

Hilarious question.

They're so bad they don't even need to be angry.

It was the least I could do for a friend.

The villain in an action movie is always weaselly and smart.

Just do it.

He's always injured in some way.

And you know what I think that is?

I think that in high school the bully is the tough guy

and the little smart guys are like "One day, asshole, one day!"

The villain is always the little guy who got picked on

who finally lost it and became a psycho.

-HE GROANS

-No!

Leon, Gary Oldman in that is incredible.

It's that bit, just where he just...

BACK CRACKS

Just does that before the fight scene, the shooting,

basically, where he takes out a whole family.

They used to need a cat.

Not any more. If you've got a cat, hmm, doesn't really cut it.

The villain needs to be evil.

And yet still you can relate to them, you know?

Like, you can almost want them to succeed.

Still got a lot of love for Rickman in Die Hard.

How nice to make your acquaintance.

Just so sneery and snide

and he's got his own funny little payback lines.

All your little speeches, you're nothing but a common thief.

I am an exceptional thief, Mrs McClane,

and since I'm moving up to kidnapping,

you should be more polite.

He's got that mixture of being absolutely psychopathic

and nasty and will clearly do anything to get his way.

Give me the code.

One...

..Two...

..Three.

I don't know it, I'm telling you.

Get on a jet to Tokyo and ask the chairman, I'm telling you,

you'll just have to kill me.

OK.

Wow, those guys are bad.

Now, let's take a look at some truly jaw-dropping moments

from the best action films ever.

I'm not talking about me with my shirt undone!

I'm talking about the crazy world of action stunts.

Stunts are the most important thing to nail in an action movie.

For you guys, the idea of being thrown out of a burning helicopter

on fire is a worst-case scenario.

For me, it's something I get the stunt guy to do

while I play golf with Hulk Hogan.

Here's the Hoff's guide to amazing action movie stunts.

I've got to call Hulk.

The best place to put a great stunt

is right at the beginning of the film.

It captures the audience and from that minute,

you're kind of sucked into the film. You're on the edge of your seat.

The stuntmen in these action movies...

I think they've just got to be slightly off their crock.

Pierce Brosnan's stunt double did the bungee jump for real.

It's over 200 metres.

It set a record at the time.

Stunts make the film,

but then again, I don't like people who are a bit cocky about it.

You know you get these actors like,

"Hey, I'm Tom Cruise, I do my own stunts."

Do you? Who cares. Jog on.

In Mission: Impossible where - I like to call it the wedgie scene -

where he's lowered down.

And there is that kind of stunt where he's held

and he's doing that for the whole... he's just waving his arms about.

The man is mental.

How much insurance must've cost for him is like...unimaginable!

If you think of the last Mission: Impossible film

with that building in Dubai.

His director must be sort of just thinking, "What is he doing?"

So, we have established that for a great action flick

we need hair-raising stunts,

exploding cars, cool heroes and psychopathic bad guys.

But there's something missing.

Something that makes the Hoff's world go round.

I'm talking about the ladies.

Women. The fairer sex.

Las chicawandas!

And though I've traded in all my 40 volumes of my little black book,

I still know a thing or two about what makes a babe sizzle on screen.

Suck in those stomachs, guys, here come the girls.

I think there is a part for women in action films.

The part where they're like, "Oh, no!"

SCREAMING

"Oh, nooo!"

That's the part for women in action films.

Move over, women, it's for men and their muscles.

Heroes need inspiration and there's nothing more inspiring

than somebody that you fancy just a little bit.

I mean, you've only met her five minutes

so you fancy her a little bit, not great.

It's not like love but you fancy her.

Mr Bond?

I'm sorry, what was the bet?

Women have a hard time in action movies cos they're often

written in purely to be this kind of, you know, damsel in distress.

The purpose of women in action films generally speaking,

sadly, and this is something that stems from the '60s,

a very sexist time, was for them to be kidnapped and ultimately rescued

and then look at the leading man

with, you know, luscious, long eyelashes

and just bat them and simper.

But it's changing, it is changing.

Angelina Jolie is a real trailblazer in that respect.

Of course ladies have a place in an action film! Of course they do!

And their place in it is to show the man that they can be

as strong as him and kick ass as well as him, if not better than him.

Yeah!

And if they look good too it's a great attribute, I'm just saying.

Hi yah!

Kill Bill is a real exception to the sort of weak female characters

in action movies' standard.

Uma Thurman, that yellow jumpsuit.

There's that whole scene where she takes out, what is it, 150 henchmen?

It's an incredible scene. An amazing, amazing scene.

Yeah, she's ruthless.

Wow, pretty hot, right?

Woo! But don't start thinking the Hoff is going shallow on you.

Because now we're going to check out the men.

Yes, it's not just the girls' bodies on show

in the action movie genre, the guys like to show off their guns

and their pecs as often as the director will let them.

And having spent over a decade in nothing but a pair of red shorts,

I can certainly relate to that.

Here come some Hoff-approved hunks for the ladies.

At some point, the guy usually takes their top off.

You've got to take the shirt off. Take the shirt off!

Hey, man, just do what you got to do.

MUSIC: "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent

-Fire it up.

-Well, let's do it, bro,

it's taken you a couple of years to do a couple of letters.

This nation loves a torso.

It's never a hairy torso any more.

I miss a hairy torso.

You don't want it waxed because then it grows back like stubbly,

so, really, we want you to cover up that spiky stubble with

a lovely, you know, Egyptian cotton, if you can manage it, T-shirt.

The white vest is a symbol of manliness

and the kings of the white vest are people like

Nicolas Cage, as Cameron Poe in Con Air,

and of course Bruce Willis as John McClane.

Die Hard's vest is the best vest, because it's really manky.

When you're running around, you're sweating, you're dirty,

you forgot to put on deodorant

cos you're not exfoliating, you're a man!

Now it's time for me to talk about something

that gets all action fans' pulses racing

and shuffles their butts to the very precipice of their seats -

the big showdown, the finale,

the climax of our boom, bang-a-bang bullet fest.

I'm talking about the fight at the end where the good guys

and the bad guys start to look like my career...

they will not die!

My favourite thing of any action movie is the classic knife duel.

It happens in a lot of films where they basically go, knife,

and the other person stops it just before it gets to their head.

-And they're like - "Oh, oh, oh".

-LABOURED BREATHING

And then maybe it touches the eyeball and they're like...

He goes...

He goes...

.."Aaah," and then throws him off.

There's got to be that moment where he's like...

He sees that moment where he knows what he's got to do.

He's got to beat up someone who's twice the size of him.

There's that scene in Bourne Ultimatum

where he just puts the book against the guy's neck,

there's a punch, there's a twist of the book...

It's very fast - action paced.

You're usually left with one villain who is almost impossible to kill

and the triumphant, climactic moment

may well be where you finally dispatch them.

There's always got to be a bit as well where the action villain

is dead but then, "Oh, God, he's come back to life!"

And he tries to shoot.

So, earlier I promised I would lead you through the fireballs

to reveal which action movie kicks all other action movie butts.

Well, I think you've probably guessed by now,

it's the one that has the baddest bad guys, the biggest explosions,

the funniest lines, and a plot simple enough for your dog to understand.

It's simply the best.

Yippee-ki-yay, the Hoff's best action film ever is...

Die Hard's got all those ingredients

and more that you need for an action film.

Die Hard is just such a simple story.

The idea of this skyscraper that one guy has to save,

I think is very basic but brilliant.

Shit!

Wonderful relationship between the hero, John McClane,

and the bad guy, Hans Gruber.

Still the cowboy, Mr McClane. Americans - all alike.

Well, this time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset

with Grace Kelly.

That's Gary Cooper, asshole.

Enough jokes.

John McClane makes Die Hard such a classic,

because he's a little bit rough around the edges.

He's reduced to just running around...

..there's glass everywhere,

he's got no shoes on for God's sake.

It's like they really can't push him any further in that film.

Great plot, great location, sense of humour, thrills - it has it all.

So, Die Hard is officially the Hoff's best action film ever.

But remember, mega-violence, however fun to watch,

isn't the way to solve problems in real life.

So if you find yourself in an elevator,

staring at a bomb on Christmas Eve, do what I would do -

run away in slow motion, Baywatch-style.

This is the Hoff, signing off. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd