The Best Horror Film Ever! The Best Films Ever!

Hi, I'm David Hasselhoff. You may know me as the king of TV,

but I've also been in more movies than Kim Kardashian's

been in nail bars.

Horror, sci-fi, action, romance, dance, sports, I've done it all.

Sometimes all in the same scene.

Well, tonight, I'm going to give you the benefit of my 40 years' experience

in the movies.

As I give you

The Hoff's Best Horror Film Ever.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

This programme contains some strong language and scenes which some viewers may find disturbing.

Welcome to the Hoffice.

Come in but don't touch anything, it's not yours.

During my undeniably illustrious screen career,

I've worked on such butt-clenchers as Anaconda III and Piranha 3DD.

And like I always do, I got out of both alive.

Because well, it wasn't real.

But those terrifying experiences taught me

what real fear is probably like.

At the end of this show, I'm going to use that experience

to reveal to you The Hoff's Best Horror Film Ever.

Now, here's a horrifying look at the spine-chilling trip

we're about to take.

Look and learn, people.

Do you want to play?

Along the way, we'll meet some creepy kids...

I'm already scared of having children,

but now I've got to factor in having a child that might be a devil?

Are you mad?

..get disturbed by some scary sounds...

Eee-eee-eee.

That's classic.

..bump in to the baddest of the baddies.

-Here's Johnnie.

-Here's Johnnie!

How has Jack Nicholson ever slept with any women?

We'll meet some horror victims...

You don't have a look in the cupboard,

you don't look underneath your bed to see what's there, you run away.

You'll need eyes in the back of your head

as we change the way you see your home for ever.

Shut the mirror,

there's something there.

Next thing you know...

his face is in the sink.

You don't want to miss a thing.

So stick around.

Feeling scared yet? You should be.

You know back in Knight Rider, I came up against probably

the greatest bad guy I've ever seen.

It was me, playing my own double.

You know people often say to me, "David, how did you do it?"

Well, I simply put on a small beard

and raised my eyebrow in a menacing way.

The bad guys in horror movies each have their own style too.

But which is the baddest of them all?

Well, there's no shortage of scary characters to choose from.

Congratulations. You are still alive.

I'm right behind ya!

This...

is God.

The best horror baddie has to have some mystery.

It has to be more than one person.

GASPING

When you realise what human beings are capable of,

there's no supernatural at all, a person did this.

It chills me more because your next door neighbour, Barry,

who's always a bit quiet and he's staring out of his window,

that could be him.

The scariest thing is the monster within people.

If it's someone who's genuinely disturbed

that would have a reason to kill someone like you.

That's what makes it scary.

SHE SCREAMS

The scariest baddie for me, is Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.

Another Martini, Paul.

We all know people that could be Patrick Bateman...

The mud soup and charcoal arugula are outrageous here.

..because he outwardly looks

so normal and respectable.

I can't walk in to an estate agent's

without assuming that everyone is probably going to murder me.

Hey, Paul!

My scariest villain in a horror movie, is Freddie Krueger.

Tag.

You're it.

You're not looking at him thinking,

"You look all right, like a normal person.

-"I could spend some time with you."

-You have nothing to worry about.

This won't hurt...

one...

little...

bit.

SHE SCREAMS

It's family that's scary, out of everything.

It's not ghosts, or goblins, it's mum and dad.

But just a bit murderous.

I love you, Danny.

I love you more than anything else

in the whole world.

I would never do anything to hurt you.

Jack Nicholson in The Shining is the scariest baddie in a horror film...

..because he has the trust of his family,

so he can do whatever he wants

and they'll kind of go along with it but he just wants to kill them.

-Wendy...

-Stay away!

Darling, light of my life,

I'm not going to hurt you.

You didn't let me finish my sentence.

I said I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm just going to bash your brains in.

It's so kind of deliciously unhinged.

No!

SCREAMING

How has Jack Nicholson ever slept with any women at all?

Surely you just feel all the way through like,

"He's going to murder me any minute.

"I'm going to get murdered any minute.

"Any minute, I'm getting murdered."

We've all kicked the door open on our girlfriend having a poo

and gone, "Here's Johnnie!"

Here's Johnnie!

SHE GASPS

Pretty creepy, huh?

And what's even creepier is that these guys live in the most

normal places and the one thing we all value, is normality -

a modest house, a small, tight community, a family car.

I'm talking about you here, I mean,

I live in a huge colonial style mansion with armed security but you get the point.

Hold my hand.

As I take you on a journey to explore the calm before the storm.

It's OK, it's OK.

The most frightening horror location for me is suburbia.

A lot of us live in the suburbs, so la-di-da-di-da,

nothing could go wrong here.

It's usually manicured lawns and suburban houses.

You know, this beautiful, idyllic setting.

So you feel like, "Oh, this could actually happen."

You know, kids running around doing some skipping.

The more realistic it is, then the more terrifying it can be.

In that reality you could see yourself easily.

All you're thinking is, "One of them's going to get it."

Creepy Carrie! Creepy Carrie!

It's the waiting for it to happen and knowing it's coming eventually.

So the longer that's eked out the more tense you get.

Paranormal Activity, starting off so boring.

I suppose that's just to get everybody

thinking about their own homes and stuff like that.

Because it was so domestic and normal

and seemed just like everyday life, that was what made it so scary.

Fuck!

Nightmare On Elm street. Elm street of course just a normal,

general, American road.

And then of course the nightmare begins.

CLANKING

The idea of it, obviously, is they're normal people

going about their normal lives.

Then these horrific things happen to them.

Ensure all residences are secure with all doors

and windows firmly locked and barricaded.

THEY SCREAM Fucking hell!

-Oh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!

-Get him!

For some reason, the dudes in great horror films are drawn

to the woods, to the cellars and dark corridors.

Like screaming girls are drawn to a David Hasselhoff concert!

Personally, I wouldn't go in to a spooky forest without my agent,

my assistant, my hair and make-up guy and a couple of armed guards.

Check these dummies out!

The worlds of horror movies are full of stupid people.

Because in real life if there was a ghost or a monster in your room,

the first thing you would do is run.

You don't have a look in the cupboard, you don't look underneath your bed to see what's there,

you run away.

SHE SCREAMS

Some of the cliches of horror films are there to wind viewers up.

You know, "Don't go in to the scary cellar alone."

You'd never go down in to a basement. Why would you do that?

Because as soon as you do that,

you're narrowing where you can get to.

There's never been a good outcome of anyone going up or down any stairs.

Get away!

Just make it a bungalow and you're going to be safe.

The victim doesn't make smart choices.

I'm a five foot five, weaponless female,

I'm going to walk down that dark path and have a look.

Why?

Not in any horror film has anyone ever turned around and gone,

"Maybe we should just leave the house and call the police."

Call the police! And if the phones aren't working...

LINE UNOBTAINABLE TONE

..go and hide.

The victim gets himself in to a situation where there's no way out.

Like, "Oh, I'm trapped in the kitchen,

"why don't I be trapped in the loft?"

Shit!

Never hide in a closet...

..because you've got nowhere to go.

Look what Ronnie did.

Survival instincts tell you to go where there's space and people.

Yet in horror films, those instincts don't kick in.

Help me! Let me out!

Common sense does not make for a good movie.

There has to always be someone dumb enough to walk in to the cabin.

Part of the beauty of the films actually,

is that you are on the edge of your seat shouting at the television.

HE PANTS

Apart from tabloid journalists hiding in your garbage,

there are few things more sinister than a whispering child.

And a good horror flick knows that a clever combination

of innocent imagery and latent evil,

is enough to give anyone the heebie-jeebies.

Except me. I'm totally not scared of anything.

Except...

pre-nuptial agreements.

I hate creepy kids in horror films. Why does a child have to be scary?

Why does a child have to be scary?

I don't know why you've got to go there for.

Do you want to play?

They haven't learnt any sort of morals

or what's right and wrong, and that's why, you know, they are scary.

You have the little kids. The nightgowns that they wear.

One of the scariest moments in The Others,

when Nicole Kidman goes in to the room

and her little girl's playing with this little puppet thing.

What's the matter?

Where is my daughter?

Are you mad?

I am your daughter.

You're not my daughter!

I remember screaming out loud in the cinema.

Kids in horror films are scary just because I think it's in their eyes.

Because you can tell that they're thinking about acting.

They're thinking about where they need to stand

and what they need to say, but in a horror context,

you kind of watch them and you're thinking,

"What are you thinking?"

Damien, Damien, Damien! It sounds like onion.

No, but he's really just demonic.

No, no, no!

No!

SHE SCREAMS

Them two, them Shining two, them twins. "Hello, Danny." That shit.

And now I'm scared of twins.

It's just horrible.

Come and play with us, Danny...

..for ever

and ever

and ever.

And then Danny himself gets a bit freaky

when he gives it all that,

-"Redrum, Redrum."

-Redrum, Redrum!

Redrum!

It meant that when I was 15, 16, I did not want a job as a baby-sitter.

I was like, "I don't know these kids,

"this child could be possessed.

"I'm having no time with it.

"This is horrible."

ALL TALK

We've got a guest.

You're going to die up there.

There's nothing more innocent than a little lovely child,

but then the Devil takes them over!

So The Exorcist, that's like, so scary because it's a kid.

I mean, imagine if it was just some old, grumpy, homeless guy.

It's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're the Devil, OK. You threw up."

I'm already scared of having children,

but now I've got to factor in having a child that might be a devil,

or a demon.

Rocky.

You're trying to get me to be his mother.

Aren't you his mother?

Any symbol of innocence is so much more scary

when you make it perverse or awful.

Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna play?

It's chilling, I know.

Your ears are often the first thing to tell you

that something in the movie is wrong.

Well, that and my face not being on the poster.

Nothing quite sends a chill up the spine like a scary soundtrack.

Let's take an unwise trip through the forest of creepy sounds.

Because I watch horror films from behind a cushion,

I feel like an expert on the soundtrack.

There is a bit of a formula, you've got the creaking door.

DOOR CREAKS

Errrrrr...

Eeeeeeee.

Who opens doors that slowly?

No-one has a creaky door any more.

Have they not heard of WD-40...

in the horror films?

Something falls on the floor, that's always scary.

Even if it's nothing that big.

If it's a cat knocking something over, it makes you go,

"OH, MY... Oh, no, it's fine." It's just the pet of the maniac.

Is it a ghost? Is it their imagination? You get sucked in more

because that's more like what we've experienced.

Her imagination is playing tricks on us.

Silence.

It wasn't until I watched The Woman In Black,

that I realised how powerful silence is

and how terrifying it is.

Constant little bursts of adrenaline.

Daddy.

Arthur!

In the end you're shaking, so by the time that crazy biatch comes on

you're ready to follow through.

SCREAMING

SHE SCREAMS

Just that noise of the knife coming down,

"Eee, eee, eee. " That's classic.

BLADE LASHES

That noise is so intricately associated with that scene,

that it would feel completely wrong to watch it silent.

You've got your Jaws, obviously, that music is iconic.

THREATENING MUSIC PLAYS

You know that danger's coming when you hear that music.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

-Doo-doo.

-Na-na.

-Boo-doop.

-Da-ra.

Voo-doop, voo-doop.

Naa-naa-naa.

Shark.

SCREAMING

That Jaws music is some of the scariest music ever.

Even if you're just in the bath.

It's simple. That's why it works so well.

I think sharks are aware of their soundtrack that they now have.

But I'm sure they'd be proud of that one.

The most important thing you need in a horror movie, is the budget to only afford one piano for your score.

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Because that's the scariest sound - high notes on one piano.

MUSIC PLAYS

HE SINGS TUBULAR BELLS

# Da, da, da, da, da, da... #

CHILDREN SHOUT

The guy who did the effects in the Exorcist used his own

leather wallet to recreate the sound of Linda Blaire's head

turning 360 degrees.

Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with the Father and the Holy Spirit.

HE CLICKS HIS TEETH

So, now I've got you all scared out of your minds,

you'll be wondering where the safest place to hide is.

Somewhere with a lock on the door. Like the bathroom, right? Wrong!

Everybody knows that in horror movies,

if you go to the bathroom you might as well flush your kidneys down the toilet!

If horror films have taught me one thing it's this.

Don't ever go in to the bathroom.

Wee outside, brush your teeth in the kitchen.

Bad things happen in a bathroom.

You're more vulnerable in the bathroom.

Because normally you're naked or halfway through doing something.

SPLASHING

CISTERN FLUSHES

Shut the mirror and there's something there.

Argh!

Shining, you've got scary person in the bath who's dead.

A scene that I remember disturbing me as a kid is in Poltergeist,

when the scientist, I think he's a paranormal investigator,

comes to the house.

He ends up suddenly going in to the bathroom

and he's staring in the mirror.

Next thing you know...

his face is in the sink.

Problem is, that the bathroom is a really necessary thing in life

and horror films have just ruined it for me.

OK. So you've made it out of the bathroom, good.

I just hope you opened the window. Now, death is a nasty business.

I've always imagined that one sunny day I'd slip away quietly

surrounded by weeping Baywatch babes.

People in horror movies don't tend to be so lucky.

If they're not having their head used as a flaming basketball,

they're peeled like a banana and thrown in acid.

But hey, it's a living. Let's see some grizzly stuff.

In a good horror death, you need blood...

Argh!

..you need noise...

SAW DRONES

..and you need something that's usually on the inside of you,

to become on the outside of you.

Deaths in a horror movie are made memorable

because of the inventive ways that they happen.

The death in The Omen where a piece of the church breaks off the spire

and just...goes down and goes through the priest's chest.

No!

It was shown during the Olympics which was a bit inappropes.

The best way is decapitation. That's my favourite.

I think it's a really nice clean-cut way to die in a horror film.

There's no doubt if they're dead or not. There's no way

they can go up to the body and go, "Dave? Dave?" He's got no head.

SCREAMING

Nightmare On Elm street was the first film

to star a young actor called Johnny Depp.

He falls asleep on the job and gets taken by Freddy Krueger.

So he gets pulled along with the television down into the bed

and cascades of blood spurt out from where he once was.

In The Lost Boys, when they fill the bath up

with garlic and holy water to kill the vampire...

If I had my way, I'd always bathe

in garlic and holy water just to check that I haven't turned.

Garlic is like a blood purifier

and obviously vampires have got bad blood.

I would be tempted to throw some oregano on him afterwards

just to see what would happen.

That's like a middle-class exorcism, where you chuck balsamic on.

Probably the best thing is burning someone in a giant wicker man.

SCREAMING

Oh God, I humbly entreat you

for the soul of this, thy servant, Neil Howie.

What could be better than that?

My favourite, they nearly get away but don't quite moment,

is when Rose McGowan is trying to get away from Ghostface

and he's in the garage.

It's so ridiculous, it's so farcical.

I think that's sort of almost how we all fear we might die.

Not with any gravitas.

The more extreme it is, the funnier it is, because you go, "come on."

SHE SCREAMS

No, no!

Well, I've shown you some of the things you need to make a truly terrifying film.

So, now to reveal what I think is the best horror film ever.

Hey, it's my show, my rules.

It's got creepy child twins with bad jumpers,

a toe-curling bathroom scene

and the most deranged human bad guy I have ever seen.

The Hoff's Best Horror Film Ever is...

SHE SCREAMS

Great party, isn't it?

The Shining has all the amazing elements of a horror film.

It's got creepy children,

gore,

and Jack Nicholson.

Jack Nicholson at his creepiest best.

He's got this darkness to him, he's got this wickedness to him.

I'm right behind ya!

The kid on the tricycle in the corridor...

..it puts a shiver down my back now thinking about it.

The Shining is a masterpiece. I still can not watch it on my own.

But please, try not to have nightmares.

After all, horror films are just fun, artistic fantasies

made by sick people with sick senses of humour.

It's actual psychopaths that you should really be worried about.

Sweet dreams, Britain.

This is The Hoff

signing off.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd