The Best Sport Film Ever! The Best Films Ever!

I'm David Hasselhoff, a grade-A TV superstar and a movie man too.

In fact, I know Hollywood better than I know my own face.

And I've spent a long time in make-up.

I've done horror movies, action movies, sci-fi, dance,

rom-coms, but tonight,

we look at a genre that a lifelong winner like yours truly

cannot get enough of as we knuckle down

and train hard for the title of The Hoff's Best Sports Film Ever.

Welcome to the Hoffice.

You know, I've never counted all of these trophies before. Why?

Because they're props!

I've got way more than this in my real house, believe me!

At the end of the show, I'm going

to reveal to you The Hoff's Best Sports Film Ever,

but first, I'm going to tell you what I want in a great sports movie.

OK, team! Let's do this!

We'll have unlikely sports heroes...

The Jamaican bobsleigh team.

-..a touch of sporting romance...

-Please be 18.

Hi. My name is Lola Bunny.

I know she's a rabbit and a cartoon, but she's actually quite hot.

Adrian!

Rocky has Adrian, hasn't he?

Adrian!

-Adrian!

-Adrian!

..some mean, mean coaches...

-Like that.

-Touch! Touch!

You've got to get mean! That's the only way you can play.

There's no crying in baseball!

There's no crying in baseball.

..and the most effective training method there is.

Training definitely has to be in a montage.

MUSIC: "Rocky Theme: Gonna Fly Now" by Bill Conti

-SINGS:

-# Getting stronger

# Montage, montage! #

# Baby, ooh, you made it stop! #

First up, it's the guys I totally cannot relate to, the underdogs.

That's right, you can't have

a story about winners without someone who initially sucks

so bad at a sport, that someone had to make a movie about it.

Prepare to wince.

GRUNTS

'Here comes the underdog, Brendan Conlon.'

I love an underdog story.

His character... He's not supposed to make it.

What's the matter? Mommy not here to dress you?

We are all the underdogs.

We all suck at so many aspects of our lives.

I'm not fat! I'm just... I'm unfit.

They can't be someone who looked like they could win to begin with.

If you've supported England and Crystal Palace for as long

as I have, you naturally root for the underdog.

Who does she think she is, Beckham, or what?

Can we chest it like him, you know? Give us some "bam".

Chest it, Jess, go on. Chest it. Argh!

'In Bend It Like Beckham,'

the fact that she is not only a girl but she

is a Punjabi girl, an Indian girl,

who is fighting against everything...

-I'm joining a girls' team.

-Huh?!

Her family, who want her to become like a doctor or a lawyer...

What family will want a daughter-in-law

who can run around kicking

football all day but can't make round chapattis?

They don't want her to play football, so when they find out

that that's what she's doing, they try and put a stop to it.

That's it! No more football!

Cool Runnings,

it's a classic. The Jamaican bobsleigh team.

They shouldn't be there. They're a joke.

We're different. People are always afraid of what's different.

Hey, Jamaica!

Watch out for number 12 turn. It's scary, eh?

John Candy somehow makes these four guys into

potential competitors

for the Olympics.

Whooooah! Arghhh! Arghhhh!

METAL SCRAPES, CLANKS

Good sports films have got that they where, you know, you start off,

you're losing, you're down and out...

-I think everybody I fight is a bum.

-Well, ain't they?

The while thing with Rocky, the first movie,

is that it was the underdog movie.

You had the talent to become a good fighter!

And instead of that, you became a leg-breaker, some cheap,

second-rate loan-shark!

It's a living.

My favourite underdog team has got to be in Dodgeball.

'What a motley crew.'

'Everything goes wrong.'

They have the worst team ever.

But it's brilliant, because every single one of them is an underdog.

I'm going to send you to hell!

Don't worry, they'll get it together, they always do.

Especially if there is a love interest to win over. But wait!

Romance and sport don't mix? Wrong.

As anyone who has been to a gym in LA will tell you, working out

and making out go together like tight jeans and cowboy boots.

Check out The Hoff's luscious lovers leaderboard.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Hey, driver! Drive these! Wooo!

Please be 18.

Every sports film these days seems to need the romance story,

because it can't just be enough

that you have a man being good at sports,

there has to be a hook of a love story.

I'd like to try out for the team.

Hey!

Hi. My name is Lola Bunny.

I know she's a rabbit and she's a cartoon,

but she's actually quite hot.

You want to play a little one-on-one, doll?

-Doll?

-Uh-huh!

-On the court, Bugs.

-Sure!

There tends to be this moment where romance plays a part in a sports

journey, like Micky Ward, The Fighter.

He meets this girl.

Come on, let me take you out.

When?

You need to have a little bit of romance in the film

to know that a sportsman is not just sport, sport, sport.

'The more romance there is in the sports film tends to'

make you at home, believe that, you know, they're just like us.

-I thought you weren't going to watch.

-I lied.

You absolutely need a good woman to believe in you,

even when she's faking it. I mean, we do fake it a lot.

And you need to rev your engine, you need to fire it up,

and you need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos

and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra.

Rocky's got Adrian, hasn't he?

-You look great.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

Terrific. I mean, you could be a heartbreak.

She's always been by his side, she's always been his rock.

-You want me to rub you down?

-No, no, I'm just sore, OK? I'll just...

-Just sit here.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, I'm sure.

Everyone used to say, when I got really, really drunk

back in the day, that I used to look like

Rocky when he said "Adrian"!

Adrian!

-Adrian!

-Adrian!

Adrian!

-Adrian!

-Rocky!

-Was it all right?

-I love you!

-I love you.

Now, in a sports movie you can't just have a hero soaring to victory.

I mean, not everyone is David Hasselhoff.

So, you need some competition, someone who looks like

they could kick our underdog's butt, and knows it.

He's the guy with the killer punch, the 100 percent record,

and he's got the scowl to go with it.

Step forward, the stony-faced rivals.

BELL DINGS

You watch sports to just see how nasty it can get.

All right, you guys, you know this is for fun,

so take it easy and give them a good show.

Tomorrow...will be war!

The bad guy's always more fun.

Meet Fran Stalinovskovichdavidovitchsky.

You want someone who is comedy evil.

-Arr!

-Grahh!

-I'm here.

Rivals will do whatever it takes to win.

May the best man win, huh?

I will destroy him!

You are evil! Pure evil,

your whole family is evil!

Dolph Lundgren's Ivan Drago is possibly

the biggest sports nemesis for me.

Boo! Boo to Ivan Drago.

He's a guy who kills Rocky's best friend

within the first 15 minutes of the movie.

No...!

And is completely unapologetic about it. He says, "If he dies, he dies."

If he dies, he dies.

Normally, the perfect sports film is they lose to their biggest rival.

Ah! Jesus!

And there's that sort of, "Oh no! But I wanted them to win!"

And then sometimes in the film, they'll come back and win it

and you just think, "Yep, that's good."

Son of a bitch!

'Here come the cars to the finish line.

-'It's Cole Trickle taking the win!'

-All right, all right!

Beating your rivals, there's no better feeling.

So, we've got an underachiever

and an arrogant rival that needs bringing down a peg or two.

What a sports movie needs now is a grumpy coach with crazy methods.

Now, I've done a bit of coaching myself,

and find that the best results

are always achieved by speaking in German.

IN TRANSLATION FROM GERMAN:

But whatever the technique,

all that matters is that our ungrateful hero pays attention.

Let's meet the coaches.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Girly, tough ain't enough.

Do something! Tackle somebody,

don't let these guys chew up the goddamn clock on us!

Now, you start using your head!

That's not love, that's three feet above your ass!

Oh, that's Tom Hanks, from Big, he's so nice,

and...and he's shouting, but he's good at it.

Are you crying? Are you crying?!

There's no crying... There's no crying in baseball!

-There's no crying in baseball.

-There's no crying in baseball!

There's no crying in baseball. There's no crying in baseball!

Imagine not even understanding your own team.

They were like aliens to him

and he had to teach them to play baseball without crying.

-Why don't you leave her alone, Jimmy?

-Oh, you zip it, Doris!

Mr Miyagi would be your original Mr Motivator.

Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand.

Daniel has cleaned a car for three days. He's like, "How is this going

"to help me? All I've done is this." He goes to punch him and he goes...

I think the grumpy trainer is grumpy because he almost had it,

but never quite.

And now he's like some kind of pushy mum.

Shut up! You guys stink. I thought we came here to play hockey.

-I knew I forgot something.

-Oh, you think it's funny?

You think losing is funny?

Well, not at first, but once you get the hang of it...

Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks is

definitely my favourite grumpy trainer.

I mean, look at what that man has had to go through.

Married to Paula Abdul, a brother of Charlie Sheen,

and now he's coaching hockey players who don't know what to do.

That was the sloppiest playing I've ever seen!

Why the hell won't you just listen to me?

Why the hell should we?

The grumpiest trainer is Patches O'Houlihan,

played by the wonderful Rip Torn in Dodgeball.

The name's Patches O'Houlihan.

I'm your new coach.

He's just this wheelchair-bound torrent of rage.

-You've got to get

-mean,

-that's the only way you can play!

-Well...

I guess, I'm not really an angry person.

YELLS

SQUEALS

Are you angry now?

He'll just spout it at anyone in his general direction.

He has some of the most amazingly quotable lines.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

What?

But enough of that. There is work to do.

At some point in a sports film, I need the hero to wake up,

avoid the coffee, and get started on the most punishing

form of exercise known to man.

The training montage.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Training definitely has to be in a montage.

-SINGS:

-# Montage, montage! #

MUSIC: "The Love You Save" by Jackson 5

You haven't got time, in a sports film, to get the player

or the team as good as they need to be to win.

MUSIC: "Jump" by Mystikal

So, you've got to do it over the course of a 90 second montage with

an inspirational song, you have to.

MUSIC: "Do Your Thing" by Basement Jaxx

Yes!

The Wrestler, that is my kind of montage. That is a makeover montage.

The montage for The Wrestler

was sort of like a montage for The Only Way Is Essex.

Half the montage is him getting himself ready to look good.

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

The music is definitely key to a good montage.

MUSIC: Theme from "Rocky"

-SINGS:

-# Da-da-da-da-da-daaa... #

I don't even know that movie, I don't know anything about that movie

except there's a lot of them,

but I know # Da-da-daaa, da-da-daaa... #

MUSIC: "Rocky Theme: Gonna Fly Now" by Bill Conti

If only real training was like that - so good.

# Trying hard now... #

He needs to be focused, he needs to be dedicated.

# ..Getting stronger... #

SINGS: # Getting stronger... #

Who hasn't imagined themselves running up the stairs

and punching the air?

# Gonna fly

# Fly, fly... #

There's not many steps, I don't know why he's punching the air,

celebrating.

There comes a point in every man's life when he has to say to

himself, "I can't do this." For me, it was running down the beach

next to Pamela Anderson while trying to look straight ahead.

For the dudes in sports movies,

it's the moment every competitor fears, the set-back.

It's time to lose the plot

with some of my favourite sports movie moments of doubt.

There's got to be a set-back.

Why, why, why, why, why, why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

At least one big set-back, otherwise it's too easy.

You don't want to see someone have an easy rise to the top.

-I think I broke my ankle.

-What?

Something always goes wrong when someone is on the upward path.

But I'm not even sure he even knows where he's at right now.

This makes us all realise the kind of pressure these drivers are under.

Mr Bobby, come on down here!

Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God!

Help me, Allah! Aaah! Help me, Tom Cruise!

Yeah, good example of a set-back in a sports film is in Dodgeball.

Patches O'Houlihan, their coach, leading this shambolic team.

Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low

and will someone catch a goddamn ball?!

They walk into the lobby and the lighting fitting just falls on him.

-Tomorrow, we're going to pecker-slap those Globo Gym

-BLEEP.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-You really think we can beat Globo Gym?

As long as we've got Patches, we've got a shot.

'Kills the coach dead, right there and then.'

You have this moment, this sinking feeling, as do the team.

They're like, "Well, how are we going to win?

-'"He was going to teach us everything we needed to know."'

-My God.

And that's what you need. You don't want it to be perfect, you don't

want them to win everything all the way.

You have to have that set-back.

-Jamaica, to your positions.

-ALL: Respect!

In Cool Runnings, the set-back is their skis on the bottom of

their sled, or sledge, or whatever it's called... It's not good.

They bought a cheap bobsled.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the ride! Get 'em up! It's bobsleigh time!

Cool Runnings!

On their final race, when they're doing really well,

they've got the kit, they're getting a bit respected...

'With that rickety old sled,

'the Jamaicans are flying through the turns.'

..breaks.

'This does not look good.'

And that's it then, isn't it?

'Oh!'

I think my favourite set-back is in Happy Gilmore,

where Carl Weathers dies

'when Happy Gilmore shows him

'the head of the crocodile that ate his hand.'

-Oh, this looks nice! What is it?

-Open it up.

-Gee...

-Oh, man!

-Remember the gator that got your hand?

I got his head!

-Aaarghhh!

-Chubbs!

-Chubbs!

-'So, he has a real set-back,'

he's killed his trainer.

A truly great victory can only be earned by overcoming adversity.

When the chips are down and the game is going the wrong way,

what I need is the speech to end all speeches.

I've got a bunch that will bring tears to your eyes, right here.

Great moments... are born from great opportunity.

You can do this.

How you play today...

..from this moment on, is how you...

..will be remembered.

This is your time!

Now go out there and take it.

CHEERING

I think just a pat on the back is fine, something like that.

It is better to die like a tiger than to live like a pussy.

Yeah. Thanks for telling me that, that's all I needed.

You've got to approach every day like it's your last.

Things are not looking good for Peter in Dodgeball.

He has basically taken the money and run.

He has left his team behind at the pivotal moment

in the dodgeball tournament.

And who comes in to, you know, give them a bit of a kick

but Lance Armstrong?

You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed

with brain, lung, and testicular the cancer, all at the same time.

But with the love and support of my friends and family

I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times.

But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.

And that was a brilliant joke in 2004.

Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough,

they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life.

But good luck to you, Peter.

I'm sure this decision won't haunt you for ever.

'Now, in 2013,'

sadly that cameo doesn't work quite as well.

In fact, I've heard he may actually have that cameo

stripped from his record.

The Al Pacino speech in Any Given Sunday

is genuinely biblical.

We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me.

-And we can stay here and get the

-BLEEP

-kicked out of us,

or we can fight our way back into the light.

We can climb out of hell...

..one inch at a time.

For the whole speech, he talks about inches.

Because we know when we add up all those inches, that is going to

-make the

-BLEEP

-difference between winning and losing!

There's one guy who looks like, like he's OD'd on speech.

Between living and dying!

Real-life coaches and managers are now playing this speech

to motivate their own troops. Which saves them the trouble, I guess.

Now, what are you going to do?

SHOUTING

You know, sometimes you've got to seize the moment.

In sports movies, that moment happens right near the end

as the clock ticks down and our hero has one shot at glory left.

That is when The Hoff wants a showdown. Bring it on.

BELL DINGS

'A good showdown in a sporting movie.

'There normally has to be a point where the team'

or the individual look like they're about to lose.

Ah-ha-ha...argh...ah.

I think American football is a very good one for it,

when time is about to run out.

You think, "Oh, God, they're not..."

They always make it, though. They always make it.

Mom, Mom, Mom!

And the seven seconds last about 98 seconds

and everything happens in slow motion.

So, there's got to be some sort of you're nearly going to die,

or lose, and then you remember something,

or think of someone and it just inspires you.

Dad!

But there needs to be that bit

where they are losing, and then they win.

-He did it!

-Yeah!

There's two ways a sports movie ends.

It's either you win, and everyone goes, "Yay!"

'I can't believe it, I can't believe it! Marshall has won!'

Touch down!

INTENSE CHEERING

Or you lose, and everyone goes,

"Yay!" Because you've just done it in such a noble way.

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS, CROWD CHEERS

Cool Runnings, they don't win the bobsleigh

when they are up against it.

But they finish the race, that's the important bit for that film.

A good sports film isn't necessarily about the team winning

or succeeding, but they succeed in some way.

I think that's why we get het up by them.

Monsieur Bobby... By defeating me today, you have set me free.

And for that, I thank you.

I will never shake your hand. Ever.

But I will give you this.

OK, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.

So, I guess I'd better present the trophy to our undisputed

champion sports movie. It's a true classic that's got everything.

A down-and-out journeyman who's going nowhere,

a girl who is with our hero every step of the way, and the greatest

ever use of a flight of steps on a public building in cinema history.

Why wasn't I in this film?

The Hoff's Best Sports Film Ever can only be the one, the only...

..Rocky!

MUSIC: "Rocky Theme: Gonna Fly Now" by Bill Vito

The only movie you watch for the boxing is Rocky.

That's the only boxing movie that's about the boxing.

'A 50 to 1 underdog living a Cinderella story

'and he's captured people's imaginations all over the world.'

It showed me as a kid growing up

that the unachievable was achievable.

'I don't believe this! The champ is down.'

That first one was a low-budget, gritty little movie,

so for it to win Oscars, which it did do, was a huge achievement.

It's his struggle and his life and how he turns it around and the

ending is so good. I think he's a very inspirational character.

-I love you!

-I love you.

-I love you!

-I love you, I love you.

-I love you.

I love you.

Well, it's time for me to hose down the changing room

and get out of here.

But before I go, remember, winning isn't just about dedication,

hard work, reaching the peak of performance.

It's also about having great chat-up lines, so chicks like you.

This is The Hoff, signing off.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd